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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/nan0818
Review Requests: OFF
171 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Springtime At sea  
Review by kittygirl
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Bluehawk,
I am reviewing your "Springtime At sea in the "Rockin'Review Station" Rockin' Review Academy. These are just my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.*Star*

Summary: A very short but descriptive moment in your life (the characters life). It made me wish I could be there seeing this wonderful and miraculous sight. I can just envision the deep blue water, the foaming break of the waves as the dolphins swam along side the ship.

What I Liked: The beauty of the scene before the character and the awe it inspired in him/her.

Setting: Oceanic, peaceful, beauty.

Character: A little thin on this part. I would have loved to see more detail about the person to build him/her up a bit. I believe this character would be someone worth knowing.

Punct/Spelling/Grammar: n/a

Flow: Quick and moving. A short, short to be sure.


Suggestions: Although I know you meant this as a short story, I believe with a little more work you could turn it into a longer story with more details, descriptive color and textures, sounds and smells. It would bring the reader in more knowing a bit more about the character and his/her background, strengths, likes and dislikes. Was working on a ship a new experience for this person? What did he/she do before? Does this person have family, wife, girlfriend? Did this person like working on the ship? Where were they going? Etc.


Overall: A good short story with a huge potential for more. I liked the first line. It drew me in and had me wondering about the main character. Your sense of wonder and awe was evident through-out the story. Your sense of miracles and the beauty of the vastness of an ocean and being on a ship midst it all. Good job and I look forward to reading much more from you in the future. You have a good start here..will you bring the story further????




Write on and write happily.*Star*

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2
2
Review by kittygirl
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Mystic Angel
I am reviewing your "SPIRIT OF ALTRUISM These are just my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.*Star*

Summary: I liked the premise of this essay. With life as busy as it is people tend to forget of the tragedies of past. You did well conveying the emotional undertones of those witnessing and those involved in this event...and of those like you who remember this event and although years have passed still feel the pain inflicted and remember the heroism of all those involved on that sad day.

What I Liked:The emotional undertone of this work, the heartfelt sorrow with which you described that fateful day.

Setting: Clearly expressed although I would have liked to seen a bit more detail with the downtown area. For those of us who don't know the city this information would have been helpful.

Character: n/a

Punct/Spelling/Grammar: I think you need to go back through and check spelling and sentence structure. I found a few errors and a few sentences that didn't quite come off the way I think you meant them to. With a bit of revising this work will be excellent.

Flow:Good flow, even tone through out the work.


Suggestions: A bit of revising and attention to spelling. Ex: In paragraph one: The smokey, dusty air was thick, and the tension in the air left hurt people confused and wondering around, (should this word be wandering?) It is easy to overlook areas such as this but it does distract the reader.

Overall: An exceptional subject matter and essay. I enjoyed reading it and would definitely like to reread once a few small areas are corrected. You have written with heart and compassion and this shows through in your words. It is an emotional piece and gives the reader pause wondering how we ever managed to forget such tragedies do happen here in the US. It also portrays the hope felt by all despite such destruction. Great job Mystic Angel. Your on the right track here and I can't wait to read more of your work.



Write on and write happily.*Star*

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3
3
Review of Remember You  
Review by kittygirl
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello Matt
I am reviewing your "Remember You in the "Rockin' PDG Gift Station" as a student in the "PDG Newbie Rockin' Review Academy. These are just my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.*Star*

Summary: I find this poem gently and lovingly sad. The intermixing of breath and love touches one deeply. The simple act of breath and the repetitiveness of it reminds me of the circle of life and how its beginnings always meet its ends and how fleeting love and life truly is. It also reminds me of how we are under the assumption that we are individuals when it fact we are connected to each other, with in each other and how fragile this connection is.

What I Liked: The first line of the poem. It drew me in and held me captive. Its tenderness, its gentleness. Also the descriptive line, "Like gentle rain patters.." There is a simple beauty in this one line that captured my imagination and I could see, smell and hear this rain as it fell.

Setting: Simple, loving, tender and filled with emotion. More of a setting of the heart rather than the physical.
Character: I envision a character filled with love yet kissed by the sadness of a fleeting time.

Punct/Spelling/Grammar:N/A

Flow: Nice flow. Easy to read. Only one area of disrupted rhythm. See comment below.


Suggestions:There is an area that the rhythm seems forced to me. As the reader, I found myself hesitating in this area and working to capture the tempo. (The second paragraph, the first four lines.)

Overall:A very good poem. Touching and tender tugging on the hearts strings. Brings vision to the reader and encourages the mind to see the characters as well as feel the single moment that this poem is speaking of. It is as fleeting and delicate as the scent of a spring flower and I loved the emotion that this poem drew forth in me. It encouraged me to use my minds eye and to feel the emotion of the poem as it unfolded through the delicate dance of the characters.



Write on and write happily.*Star*

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4
4
Review of Unexpected Snack  
Review by kittygirl
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello
I am reviewing your "Unexpected Snack and these are just my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.*Star*

*BalloonR* Welcome To WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon!*BalloonR*



Summary:OMG! What an interesting dialog/story. I hadn't realized, and this is the first time I've read a piece such as this, how wonderful a story can be just through dialogue. You did a tremendous job. The story had clarity and an intimate view of what was going on inside the mind of the characters. It moved along quickly and kept me interested from start to finish with quite the surprise at the end. It was a pleasure to read this short story.

What I Liked: The creativity of the story and the realistic dialog.

Setting: Even though this was just written in dialog I could envision all that was taking place, the kitchen, the squad room and the characters.

Character: Clearly given great personalities. I felt I could know each of the characters through how they interacted and spoke with each other.

Punct/Spelling/Grammar:N/A

Flow: Easy, interesting and smooth. A quick read.


Suggestions: None


Overall:A pleasure to read, a great story that was worked creatively through dialog only. Great job!



Write on and write happily.*Star*

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5
5
Review of Lillian  
Review by kittygirl
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello Andrew
I am reviewing your "Lillian in the "Rockin' PDG Gift Station" as a student in the "PDG Newbie Rockin' Review Academy. These are just my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.*Star*

Summary: What a great story. How you can take lawyers and make them human amazes me. And to boot, give them humor and personality. I followed along with this story anticipating the ending and somewhat surprised although pleasantly at how it ended. You injected wit and humor what otherwise would have been a serious subject, wrongful termination. Throw in a bit of a love story and you've hit your mark. I truly fell in love with the main character, Thom and the secondary character,his friend, Blake. Both had unique and strange personalities that made me want to get to know them better. Your description of the female lawyer as a Howitzer in high heals...just floored me. You have a great skill for injecting comedy into stories to make them light, laughable and enjoyable to read.

What I Liked: Your dialog. Witty, funny and real. I could see the bar and the two friends sitting back with drinks in hand and just shooting the breeze.

Setting: Wonderful descriptive setting. Every step of the way through this story I could see the characters, I walked with them through the offices and the bar and could envision the humorous way they perceived their surroundings.

Character: Strong and believable characters. Colorful and somewhat odd...uniquely out of the norm.

Punct/Spelling/Grammar:No apparent structural errors.

Flow:Quick, fast paced and funny through out. No awkward pauses or transitions.


Suggestions: Just one. In the dialog between Thom, Beth and Lillian some areas appeared a little rushed and at times confusing as to who was talking with who. I had to re-read this area several times to keep straight what was going on..who was talking, who was asking questions and distinguish a phone conversation in the mix. Perhaps a little clarity here would make the story a little clearer.


Overall: Funny, witty and entertaining. Loved the story, the dialog and the characters. I found myself laughing at the reality of the conversation between Blake and Thom and felt that I was sitting with them at the bar witness to their bawdy humor. Realistically they could be friends of mine...
Your descriptive characterization is wonderful. Each character was given personality that the reader could relate to and envision. This is a great story and I enjoyed reading it. Can't wait to read more of your wonderful work.



Write on and write happily.*Star*

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6
6
Review by kittygirl
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome To WCD from "Newbie Welcome Wagon!*BalloonR*




Hello Mr. Javier,
I just finished reading your work and I'd like to offer you the following comments. Please note that this is only my opinion and that I give it with the utmost respect for your work.*Star*

Summary: What a funny story. You had me laughing at the antics of these characters during their moment of boredom. To take something as simple as baking a cake...nice job.

What I Liked:The breaking of the egg and where it led me to.

Setting: Good descriptive sentences with the setting. I could envision the beginning with the boredom then moved with the characters into the kitchen where all heck broke loose.

Character: A little light on character description. Would have liked to see the characters fleshed out a bit more.


Flow: Very good until the next to last para. I seemed to be missing some part of the story here...was there a fight between all of the characters because as far as I knew, only one slipped because of the egg...yet all were nursing wounds? A little more clarity here.


Suggestions: As mentioned above...the clarity toward the end of the story was a little clouded. I feel that perhaps adding more before this would create a clearer picture for the reader. You lost me for a minute in that area and left me guessing as to what happened.
In para one: them should be him.
Deny (typo?)
'out of couch' should be 'off of couch'
'feeling the need to quash' should be:'feeling the need to squash'


Overall: A very funny and wonderful story. I enjoyed it very much and found myself chuckling along with the characters antics. Good job. With a few corrections this will deserve a perfect score.



Write on and write happily.*Star*

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7
Review of Knock Knock...  
Review by kittygirl
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello
I just finished reading your work and I'd like to offer you the following comments. Please note that this is only my opinion and that I give it with the utmost respect for your work.*Star*

Summary: I enjoyed reading this work. To look at the years from the perspective of time gives this work a unique slant. Very well crafted with a super idea.

What I Liked: Your ending...the 365 days of hope, new beginnings, dreams to make come true, opportunities to run with.

Setting:n/a

Character: A good and bold character...you gave time a face and personality.


Flow: A little bit choppy.


Suggestions: In paragraph 2: (Or maybe I'm) should this be (Or maybe I am.)?
Para 2: Many of you said this is the end of the world, this date or maybe that one, no its definitely that (the)one after the big disaster.
Para: 'I open my door to you, for everyone, every alive soul on earth, and all souls everywhere, (Could this hi-lited area be written differently. every soul and all souls seem redundant. I also....' This sentence is run on and confusing to the reader.
Last Para: Too long with run on sentence. Can you break this up into shorter more manageable sentences? I think it would read easier.


Overall: This work has a fantastic basis...a wonderful read and I enjoyed it immensely. I can't wait to read more of your wonderful writing.



Write on and write happily.*Star*

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8
8
Review by kittygirl
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello{Nick:}

I just finished reading your work and I'd like to offer you the following comments. Please note that this is only my opinion and that I give it with the utmost respect for your work.*Star*

Summary: I found this story to be interesting and quite disturbing! In a good way. I enjoy dark stories and yours did not disappoint me. You gave me good character descriptions, I could visualize the setting and sense the mood of this work.



Flow: Smooth and easy to follow


Suggestions: There are some typos that I caught as well as some errors in the work.


Overall: A good story. Interesting and darkly intriquing.



Write on and write happily.*Star*

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9
9
Review of Nightmare  
Review by kittygirl
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I saw your short story for review. Please note that this is only my opinion and that I give it with the utmost respect for your work.

Summary: As far as nightmares go this one was especially scary....yeah! This is the type of story I enjoy reading. It is filled with suspence, fear and the unknown. I especially liked the first few lines of the story: The summer afternoon droned on. The humid air pressed tight against every living thing, stifling the air, making everything seem ominous and unreal. Janie sat listlessly on the front porch, bored and hot. This opening drew me in and kept me reading. Your descriptive skill are top notch. I could envision the setting, sense the fear and move along with the character.

Flow: A smooth and easy read.

Suggestions: Only a few. More and more soldiers poured out of the plane as Janie stood watching in terror. I would have left this sentence out. It seems reduntant to me. Instead perhaps: Janie stood watching in terror as rows of soldiers streamed out of the plane......
And then, as her vision cleared, the sight grew worse. I would take out the (and then) and rewrite as: As her vision cleared....

Overall: This is an excellent story. Your skills as a writer shine and with a few revisions, this will be a winner. Can't wait to read more of your work.

Write on and write happily.

10
10
Review by kittygirl
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I saw your request for review. Please note that this is only my opinion and that I give it with the utmost respect.

Summary: What an engaging story. I enjoyed reading it and found your descriptive skills exceptional. I could see the environment, feel the sadness and become familiar with your characters. I liked the title, it fit this piece well and captured my attention immed.

Flow: Good flow through most of this work.

Suggestions: None...a good interesting story. Smooth from start to finish. I only have one question? What were the last three lines the main character wrote? Was it the poem of the children? I would probably have made this a little clearer to finish of this wonderful story.

Write on and write happily.
11
11
Review by kittygirl
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I saw your request for review. Please note that this is only my opinion and that I give it with the utmost respect for your work.

Summary: Overall I thought this was a very informative and educational piece. I believe that everyone should take a look at thier diet and realize that there are a lot of unhealthy food choices out there and to learn for their own sake to make healthier choices. You did a good job presenting the information.

Flow: A little awkward.

Suggestions: Nowadays, should be rewritten. Perhaps (Today) we rarely can find anyone who is whole ( could this be truly?)healthy, because we have many stresses in daily life and also a polluted environment (which) can damage ( damages) to all people & all creatures ( end of sentence. in that area, which unfortunately at this time most of the Earth is polluted with different kinds of chemical and industrial pollutions. These are some bitter facts in our lives. (Can you rewrite this?

But the most important and effective thing in health is feeding, ( could this be eating) and without a nice feeding,(could this be proper food) expecting for (good) health is like a joke! So a nice feeding manner is very very necessary for everyone who wants to be healthy and that’s clear that you can’t include FastFoods and full-hormone meats as healthy foods! Yeah! Junk foods can’t help you to remain healthy at all.Could you rewrite this? Awkward sentence.

I found many areas that were awkward and the sentences just didn't make sense to me. With a rewrite and more careful wording this article could be exceptional. I did a little revising above to give you an example of what I mean. Please don't think I am picking this apart...it does have a good basis for a great article to share with everyone.

I would love to reread this after it has been reworked.
Write on and write happily.
12
12
Review of Time stood still  
Review by kittygirl
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I saw your request for review. Please note that this is only my opinion and that I give it with the utmost respect for your work.

Summary: You did what you set out to do and you did it well. I felt the tension...and the fear of your main character. I could easily envision just how she was feeling and what she was going through. Your setting was clear. You described your character, setting and atmosphere well. It was a story I enjoyed reading.

Flow: Quick paced and moved smoothly from one paragraph to the next with no awkward moments.

Suggestions: The following sentence sounds a little awkward to me. Hard to envision this. (The mouth in her frozen body, of its own accord, muttered ) Can this be rewritten...
Her inner voice screamed “Go away!” silently. (Inner voice implies silence so (silently ) at the end of the sentence is redundant.
On edge, she glanced through her fringe to see the ferryman from the wharf hurrying towards her. (glanced through her fringe) I don't know what you are trying to convey with this?

Overall: Excellent writing. I enjoyed the story. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future. *StarStruck*



13
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Review of Angelic Trust  
Review by kittygirl
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I saw your request for review. Please note that this is only my opinion and that I give it with the utmost respect for your work.

Summary: I thought the basis for your story was a good one. The title bold enough to capture my attention. You describe your characters and the setting fairly well. The story moves along quickly and easily. I like the introduction of Eric and you've got me curious as to where it will lead. *BigSmile*

Flow: Your characters POV flip flops a bit and I found it hard to keep up with the who's, one section you are talking/seeing in the pov of one person then change to another. The timeline also moves in an off manner, one minute the character is in the now and the next...I've lost her. Flow is a bit choppy. *Confused*


Suggestions: In many areas I found typos, misspelled words, unfinished thoughts. You write part of the dialogue and scenes and words in the present tense and part you use past tense. This is confusing. EX:The way he (use ) to touch me ever so softly when I got mad at him. I think you meant (used). This happens in many lines of your story.
I would reread this work and clean it up a bit. Once that is done, I think this story will be awesome and I'd love to reread it.*BigSmile*


Overall: Work needs some clean up but otherwise it is a great story. Good, strong characters and solid basis for the story.*BigSmile*


Write on and write happily.
14
14
Review by kittygirl
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I saw your request for review. Please note that this is only my opinion and that I give it with the utmost respect.

Summary: I felt that this work was clearly uplifting and well thought out. How many times do we not show those in our lives how much we value and appreciate them? This man's struggle with how to show his employee how much he has grown to appreciate him is one that many people struggle with. It should be such a simple thing to do..yet we tend to make it so difficult.

Flow: Good flow. No awkward transitions from one paragraph to the next.

Suggestions:: First, I would fix the format...too much space between paragraphs.
Second: I think there were two typos: New his leadership,(Should be knew)S
Some People were smiling, laughing sharing remember when’s with each other. (People in this case should not be caps.

Overall: Excellent work. I enjoyed reading this brief piece.

Write on and write happily.*Wink*
15
15
Review by kittygirl
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I saw your request for review. Please know that this is only my opinion and that I give it with the utmost respect. I do not review for grammer, punctuation.

Impression: I enjoyed this story very much. I found myself drawn into the action immed. Your character, setting descriptions are flawless. You gave me wonderful food for vision work needed with all good stories. I especially liked the way you made a back story with the angels and demons...it's like two stories in one and I think this is fantastic. It is an art to be able to do this and do it well.

Flow: Flow was easy and comfortable. I found no awkward areas.

Suggestions: The following sentences either contain errors or could be re-written to enhance the story.

(he watched his hands were shaking as he filled two cups of tide and dumped them onto the blood and dirt mixed clothes.) this sentence does not make sense to me. Should it be: He watched his hands shake as he filled?

(Turning on the shower water he waited two seconds and then stepped into the shower. ) Could be: Turning on the shower, he waited two seconds then stepped in.)

Ceasor scanned the woods for the demons he knew where hiding there. ( Where should be were)

Overall you did a wonderful job on the first of this novel..I can't wait to read more. It is an interested story, filled with suspense and paranormal.

Write on and write happily.
16
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Review of Summertime  
Review by kittygirl
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A valentine review. Please note that this is only my opinion and that I give it with the utmost respect for your work.

Summary: Oh how I miss summertime:) Your words brought back some great memories as I envisioned the hot, summer nights and long summer days enjoying the gift of mother nature. We have very long and cold winters where I live. This poem is simple yet descriptive...pulling the reader in and creating the imagination to work.

Flow: Although there isn't much rhyming with this poem I feel that the flow is nice.

Suggestions: None. I like it as it is. Good job.

Write on and write happily.
17
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Review of WHY GOD!!!  
Review by kittygirl
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a valentines review. Please know that this is only my opinion and that I give it with the utmost respect for your work.

Summary: I liked the basis of this poem...it reminds us of the questions we sometimes ask of God...especially when we see the cruelties and injustices of life.

Flow: A little unrythmic.

Suggestions: In the beginning of each stanza you write: God, why you made relations? (Perhaps you could add (have) in each of the beginning lines. To me this would add rythym as well as make more sense. EX: God, why have you made relations?

In this line should SMILE be plural? (God, why you made smile?)

In this line you begin with (Why) when all the others begin with (When) Why it's been destroyed by its own creature...
Should creature also be plural, (creatures)

Overall: This is wonderful work. I can see through this poem that you have the heart of a poet. I enjoyed reading this and hope my suggestions are helpful.

Write on and write happily.





18
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Review of Torture So Sweet  
Review by kittygirl
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I wanted to review your work. Please know that this is only my opinion and that I give it with the utmost respect for your work.

Impression: What a wonderful story. I can't get over the twists and turns it took and Ester...a great character. You did a wonderful job writing this without making it sleazy. It was tastefully done...erotica at it's finest. You took a good story line and captured my attention right from the start.

Flow: Great flow.

Suggestions: Just a line here and there that contained typos. (Her body entire body ached from her swollen ) I believe you meant: Her entire body (an extra body in there)
(She leaped off her bed) Did you mean (leapt)?
there were a few areas like the above examples. Once these are fixed, this will be perfect.

Overall: One great, sexy story. Your writing is wonderful and a joy to read.

Write on and write happily.
19
19
Review of Dear Mother  
Review by kittygirl
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I saw your request for review. Please know that this is only my opinion and that I give it with the utmost respect for your work.

Summary: OMG! Talk about cry.....reading this beautiful letter brought me to tears. How special those memories you have, how truly wonderful the relationship with your mother. What a gift you have given her with this letter...you may not have always been the perfect child, but I know in her eyes she saw only perfection in you.

Flow: Your letter read easily and simply. You didn't miss a beat.

Suggestions: Spelling....there are several areas you use the word (then) where it should be (than).
(This world isn't the same without a rarity of a person like you mother.) Could this be: the rarity?
(You were knowledgeable of love and God.) should this be: You were knowledgable of (the) love and of God?
(You spoke the world of God ) Did you mean: You spoke the (word) of God.?
I think I would review this letter one more time to just to make sure that I haven't missed any more typo's, spelling errors.

Overall: I gave you high points for the content and the beauty of this tender letter. There are some areas that will need fixing but overall this is great work.

Write on and write happily. (Thank you for sharing this very personal letter with me.)


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*

20
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Review of HE NEEDS ME  
Review by kittygirl
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I saw your request for review. Please know that this is only my opinion and I give it with the utmost respect for your work.

Impression: Sadness yet completion of the circle between mother and child. I found this work touching...sensitive and hopeful. I enjoyed reading your work.

Flow: good smooth flow.

Overall: Although this poem doesn't rhyme, who really says it has to? It works just the way it is.

Write on and write happily.
21
21
Review by kittygirl
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I saw your request for review. Please know that this is only my opinion and that I give it with the utmost respect for your work.

Summary: Okay, this was definately a quickie......I liked the way you tied the title into the body of the story...it worked well. You gave action, feelings and didn't get too graphic with the scenes. You described the act of pleasure in a very tasteful way.

Flow: The story moved along quickly as it was supposed to. Nice flow through out.

Suggestions: (Slowly but surely I set her onto the bench, and began to remove her leather apron, followed by her under-shirt and brassier, which apparently was unnecessary as her large, firm breasts could easily support themselves, and still stand 20 cm off of her chest.) I would have left out the last portion of this sentence...it was not needed in the descripton and seems overkill.
(After getting into position,) What position? Could you clarify this more?
(Maybe I am crazy, but logic wasn't what got me there at that time.) This sentence is a little confusing...Can you clarify it more?

Overall: A very good short story. I enjoyed reading your work and am looking foward to reading more of it in the future. Good luck with the contest.

Write on and write happily.
22
22
Review by kittygirl
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I saw your request for review. Please note that this is only my opinion and that I give it with the utmost respect for your work.

Summary: The title of this work caught my attention immediately. There is so much internet stalking, dating sites that don't require background checks, dangerous activities that stem from visiting and trusting these dating sites that it amazes me that anyone dare become involved in this activitiy. Having said that, your work only covers very little of what does happen (ie: mistrust, broken hearts). This work serves as a reminder to always use caution when entering these on-line dating sites.

Flow: The flow of this work is smooth, transitions well.

Suggestions: I would like to see this piece expanded upon. I think that you could've really included so much more information on this topic and what a service it would be. This work only skims the surface of this topic.

Overall: I found this work interesting. It was a quick read.

Write on and write happily.
23
23
Review of Gutter Rainbow  
Review by kittygirl
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I saw your request for review. Please know that this is only my opinion and that I give it with the utmost respect for your work.

Impression: I enjoyed reading this story. It is tender, touching and sad...the loss of love, the loss of a daughter, the loss of dreams and hopes. Through your vivid descriptions of the setting, the scenes and the detail included, I could envision each character and feel the deep sadness each of them felt. I especially liked the vividness and color of your writing...very expressive.

Flow: I feel that the story moved along smoothly with only one or two areas that didn't quite mesh...(“I’m sorry.” It wasn’t an apology. “I wish you would have called first.”) In this dialogue, it is unclear who is talking? A little confusing.
(The man wondered how she could have taken notice, she whirlwind around the kitchen hurrying the encounter along.) This is another area that is somewhat confusing. Perhaps: The man wondered how she could have taken notice as she flew around the kitchen trying to hurry things along.


Suggestions: I feel that this piece needs to be re-read as there are several grammatical/punctuation errors. Check your sentences for run on...and you have several very long paragraphs that should be split up.

Overall: It is a great story and with some revisions, it will be perfect. You have a wonderful eye for detail in your descriptive writing and it shows in that you focussed on the setting, the characters and the emotion of this piece. I can't wait to see it once it' has been revised and polished a bit more.

Write on and write happily
24
24
Review of The Peasant Son  
Review by kittygirl
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I saw your request for review. Please know that this is only my opinion and that I give it with the utmost respect for your work.

Impression: Your poem made me smile. It has been a very long time since I've read a poem written in the way you've done. Is that Old English? I saw the character clearly and his story of dreams to explore the world beyond his small existance. You showed great expression in this work.

Flow: I had just one area that hooked me up a little: ( I seek adventure, divine release from this monotony,) this just didn't seem to flow well compared to the rest of the poem. It seemed awkward.

Overall: I think you've done a great job with this piece...I enjoyed reading it.

Write on and write happily.
25
25
Review of The Greatest Gift  
Review by kittygirl
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I saw your request for review. Please know that this is only my opinion and that I give it with the utmost respect for your work.

Impression: This piece covered many sensitive topics. The labels we sometimes place on ourselves and others, the judgements we sometime make and the injustices we sometimes suffer. I like how you described your choice to respond or react to certain situations....and why you chose the option you did. The last part of this work touched me deeply on a spiritual level..."The greatest gifts in life are the ones we don't deserve." How fitting this is.

Flow: Upon first reading this I must admit I was a little confused. You went from labels to feelings to judging. It jumped a little too quickly for me from one topic to the other and I feel that there were areas where the paragraphs didn't flow into the next as smoothly as they could have.

Suggestions: The following sentence is awkward to me: (I dislike labels because being labeled something means that you have to live up to whatever it is, unless you don't.) Perhaps: I dislike labels. Labels carry with them the expectation that you are what someone else has perceived you to be and ...you have to either live up to that expectation or you choose not to.

(It wasn't really anything new that I discovered really,) Could this be reworded? Too many reallys' too close together. I would leave the last really off. (It wasn't really anything new that I discovered.)

Overall: I liked the thought and the basis of this work. It shows depth to some very sensitive issues such as Labels, Judgements and the grace of forgiveness.

Write on and write happily.

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