This is a very interesting piece. You don't mince words. You pull the reader right in. I love your descriptions and the words you use to tell the story. I think my favorite part is "I'll turn you to jelly, I'll turn you to stone." I find it humorous in the way that the two parts contradict each other. Technically speaking, I think that comma should be a semi-colon. The piece takes us on quite a ride and only gives us enough information to make us want a little more. Great job!
I can relate to the overflow of emotions. You try to contain them; but they overflow. You've captured that perfectly. I like how you only have the beginning of sentences capitalized in this piece. That makes navigating it a little easier since there is no punctuation. Personally, I think a little punctuation might be useful. It's okay without though.
Towards the end, you say you never have/ you never will. In my mind, I'm putting in "been" and "be" (respectively) at the ends of those lines. In the second part, (will) I was wondering what was supposed to come after "will." It took me a moment to connect it back to "You are not worth it."
Also, I think the last line deserves to stand on its own. Those four words convey so much. Rather than having it connected to the previous sentence, I would capitalize 'you' and make it a short, final statement to finish the piece. (Just my personal opinion.)
I really relate to the first part. I haven't quite mastered the 'you're not worth it' aspect of moving past whatever emotion the offender is evoking. That's what I really like about this piece. There are so many emotions welling up; yet you simmer it down and realize that it just isn't worth it. Good job!
This is a very interesting piece. The foundation is simple; the piece, itself, is bordering on complex. The words you use really add a lot to the piece. Also, the way you've chosen to display the piece adds something as it takes you from moment to moment. Your descriptions are fantastic. Who knew one could make such a piece based on chewing gum? Great job!
This is a lovely pantoum. The form has been done well and your rhymes are good. I appreciate how you have outlined the form at the end for people who may not be familiar with the pantoum form.
Personally, I would like a little bit of punctuation to guide me through. I see a couple of different ways this could be read and interpreted.
I enjoyed the images you presented. It feels somewhat soft and a little secretive. I can imagine lying on the grass, watching the sky enact stories. Great job!
This is a wonderful, informative poem! I find your rhymes to be inspired. They are all spot on and work extremely well. You tell the story extremely well and seem to have covered everything possible. It is hard to imagine pythons roaming freely about Florida. Great job!
This is a fun and accurate piece. I really like how you have described the black hole. Your descriptions are vivid and creative. This piece is a terrific way to teach everyday people (although some may prefer to have a dictionary nearby) about black holes. You have laid down the facts in a clear manner.
Of course, we can't actually know how things would actually be in a black hole. But you have our best guesses presented well. For instance, I read somewhere that light is shifted near a black hole so that, when you look at or out of one, light is bent so things look different (like looking through a lens). Thus, the view of the world gets smaller the further you descend into (towards?) the black hole. Also, (according to my sources) black holes actually are more of a brown versus black. Those are the only two technical aspects that I can question. Other than that, technically, you have presented the black hole as I have imagined it.
I thoroughly enjoyed your images of the gravitational forces as you draw nearer to the black hole. My favorites are {c:blueTorn by a celestial rack, crushed by an ethereal vise, and by the Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Incredibly creative. Great job!
This is a fantastic short story. Your dialog and the thoughts of your main character are expressed realistically. The whole story reads like life. It's a very short story; but it feels big. I feel like I know the characters. I like how you brought the story around to end the same way it started but with a twist. I didn't notice any errors. Excellent job!
This is a fantastic story! It's a little suspenseful and scary in the beginning then wonderfully lighthearted and humorous. You've captured the scene perfectly. Your descriptions are fantastic and I love the unveiling of the 'monster.' It's very clever. I didn't notice any errors. Excellent job!
This is a good short story. Your descriptions are good. It's very suspenseful and I love the action within.
One thing that I'm wondering though is why the store had been "ravaged by the mob." Was there some sort of riot or just a run on the store? If it was just a run on the store, why was there a run on the store? It seems like an overreaction for just a thunderstorm. I would like a few more details on that portion of the story.
A couple of suggestions for the fourth line. Instead of "was she," try "she was." "Expresion" has two s's. Technically, it should be "as I;" however everyone seems to say "as me" so, really, you're okay there. (I just like to point it out as everyone seems to switch 'I' and "me" in phrases like that. For instance, you could say, "She was the same distance away as I was." but it would be incorrect to say "away as me was.") Instead of "in her face" it should be "on her face."
In the second sentence of the third paragraph you need a comma after "arm" and "her" should be "she." You also need a comma after "face" in the last sentence of that paragraph. In the fourth paragraph, I'm not sure what "piece" is in "with the last piece on her hand." Also, in the first sentence (still 4th paragraph), it should be "and ended up on the floor" versus "ended in the floor."
You have a few minor issues here and there; but, overall, you have a good mastery of the English language. I've seen a lot worse from people whose first language is English. You have every right to be proud of yourself.
I like your descriptions of the race. The story needs a couple of tweaks here and there; but it is a good story, and is well written. I would be more than happy to take another look and re-review this after you edit a little bit. Good job!
This is quite a piece. I find some of the language a trifle pompous. For me, the force of the piece is lost in the wording. Also, in the first stanza, "betwixt" and "between" mean the same thing; so it feels a little redundant there to me. Also, I think it should be "Human decency" versus "Humane decency." I keep getting lost in the language.
One section I keep tripping over is this sentence: (at the end of the first stanza/beginning of the second)
Spewing forth hatred they intone/ contemptuous of my plight/ laughing derisively as they/ watch my life force falter.
Personally, I believe there is a better way to get across what you are trying to say. However, that would interfere with your rhyme scheme. Your rhymes have been done well. (The rhyming of 'I' and 'time' is a stretch, but the rhyming overall is good.)
You almost have syllabics in the first stanza. The rest of the piece flows well; but not as well as that first stanza which flows exceptionally well. You have a good message in this piece. Fear drives so much that we do. Good job.
This is a unique piece. In the brief description, do you mean "psychotic" versus "psycothic"?
Technically, when referring to yourself in a prepositional phrase, it should be "me" not "I." Artistically, you have a literary license to do as you please. I just wanted to point that out in case you didn't know. (Lots of people, including myself, lose track when it should be 'I' versus 'me.')
In the first stanza, I'm not sure about your use of dashes. For me, it makes the flow a little choppy. It feels stop and go to me. The last dash works for me as it is a more natural pause.
I like the way you have the piece laid out. The way you trailed out the ellipsis between the first and second stanza is very inventive. I'm not sure why you made "numb" look like an acronym. That's a little odd to me. I'm not sure what it was meant to achieve.
The color and layout really add something to the piece. I find "...But aren't you too?" a trifle humorous. It adds another dimension. It's more commentary, noticing something outside oneself. Good job!
Keep writing!!!
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1383756 by Not Available.
This is an excellent story. You tell it very well. You had me sitting on the edge of my seat! The little surprise in the end was fantastic! It was a really nice touch. I didn't notice any grammatical or spelling errors and I have no suggestions for improvement. Great job!
This is a lovely piece full of emotion and sentiment. Those sentiments have been displayed clearly and vividly.
Suggestions
You have a lot of commas in this piece; but you don't have any periods. I think the periods would add a lot to the piece and help direct it.
Sometimes, it feels like you are forcing the rhymes. Certain sections don't feel as free and open as others. Stanza three, for instance, feels a little forced to me. This is just my personal opinion.
Overall
Beyond just rhyming, I like how you ended all the even lines with -ing so that they all rhyme. It's very interesting. It adds a nice touch and flavor to the piece. This is a lovely story of love. Good job.
This is an interesting piece. I have to admit that I don't know what "The Watsons Go to Birmingham-1963" is in reference to. Is it another piece on WDC? If it is, you might add a link to it.
The shape has been done well. I imagine that it was extremely difficult to get the two sides to come straight down (there's some wiggling in those sides).
I don't understand the meaning behind the piece. It's all very abstract to me. I feel that if I knew what, exactly, it was in response to, I might understand it better. The end has a definite power to it while the beginning is softer. Your images in the beginning are clear. I like the different sizes of font that you use. You really use the it to your advantage.
This is a great piece! It's a humorous story. I can see it all happening over the years. Your rhymes are good and the piece flows well. I really like how you worked WDC in at the end. Great job!
Well, lava on your face certainly isn't fun; but this piece is! I like the colors that you use. They really inspire the idea of fire. Your syllabics are perfect. One thing I would recommend, rather than using hyphens to set apart the phrase in line two, I would just use commas. This is just my personal opinion. A fun piece. Great job!
Keep writing!!!
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1383756 by Not Available.
This is a nice piece. The sentiment and message are clear and something I can relate to. We should always remember this.
At first, I thought the ellipses were going to be a little much. However, I think that it really works in the way you have done it.
I like the evolution of the piece and the continuity "as I often do" lends to it. The last stanza sums the piece up and gives us our bit of enlightenment. You are absolutely right that if we hold on too tightly to the past, we can lose the future. Great job!
This is a lovely piece. I can feel the peace and serenity at the end of the piece. The emotion is laid out.
I don't always feel connected to the piece though. The beginning almost has a hollow feeling to it. I feel a little like the "crystal sheen" is meant to keep us out. Perhaps that was your intention. If so, it's conveyed well.
I like how you've interwoven it with nature. It adds a descriptive feel to the piece to complete the picture. I love the line "the lake of my emotions." It's a great image. Great job!
This is a lovely piece. I can relate to the sentiment that you describe. Your rhymes are good.
Suggestions
You might go back and take another look at your punctuation. In the second stanza, for instance, I would suggest a semi-colon at the end of line one, a comma after "yet," and changing the comma to a period. These are just suggestions.
You might also look at some of your wording. I was a trifle confused in spots. Lines 5 and 7, for instance. In line 5, I think you need "do" between "Why" and "I." If line 7 is supposed to feed directly into line 8, I think the "Then" in the beginning of line 8 should be "The." Otherwise, it's a little muddy.
Overall
The emotion and sentiment underneath are clear. Again, the rhymes and rhyme scheme are spot on. I would be more than happy to take another look and re-review the piece if you make changes.
Keep writing!!!
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1383756 by Not Available.
This is a terrific story! I like how you keep the reader in the dark and illuminate the entire story at the end. Your details are terrific. I had to look up "Akubra" though. I had never heard of an "Akubra" before. That's neither here nor there though.
Suggestions
Towards the end of the first paragraph, down to his side as shook his right,I think the "as" should be "and".
Overall
The dialog and descriptions are fantastic. You kept me guessing what was going on until the very end when you surprised me. I didn't see that coming. Great job!
Keep writing!!!
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1383756 by Not Available.
This is a fun little piece. It's also very appropriate for today's culture. The piece flows well and made me smile (though it is sad that people can be replaced by objects).
Suggestions
You need a question mark in stanza 3. In general, I think you could employ a little more punctuation in the piece versus using extra spaces to indicate pauses. Also, I think you might want to up your rating to ASR for the 3rd word in the 5th stanza.
Overall
The whole piece is hit home by the last stanza. It sums up everything very nicely. You cover different games well. Good job!
This is a very pretty piece. The piece flows well and the rhythm is good. The rhymes that you have are good. I especially like the imagery of shooting stars forming silver fountains. I think that is an inspired image.
I'm not entirely sure why you have the sections labeled. Is this meant to achieve something or to guide us? I don't think that it adds anything to the piece.
Your imagery is beautiful. I can envision what you are presenting. Great job!
This is fantastic! You never fail to make one laugh. This is a great satire. It's witty and funny. I love the whole Slinky motif. It's a great analogy and well done.
One quick comment. This feels familiar. Is it based on a specific prayer or just from your head? It matters not one way or the other. I'm just curious.
I never would have connected life to a Slinky. Great job!
This is a lovely piece! I can relate to the emotions that you are presenting.
Suggestions
I don't think you need the semi-colon in the third stanza. I think a comma might be more appropriate. The second line seems to be part of the first. To me, it feels like a list.
This is just my opinion. You can take it or leave it as you wish. The "Go Away" line that ends each stanza isn't really working for me. In the first stanza, I thought it would tie everything together. In the end, it was more of a distraction to me. It seemed to be an echo and a little redundant. Again, this is just my opinion.
Overall
Your rhymes are terrific and the piece flows well. I especially like the image of your heart as a book. I can relate to this piece. How often we don't really know what it is that we want. I like how the piece turns. I really like the way you end it. Great job!
I love the nature of this piece. It's dark and a little scary. It flows very well and the rhymes are spot on. WDC seems to think that #1310610 is not an image. You might want to check that out.
Suggestions
In the second stanza, I don't think you need the comma in the first line or the period. Also, I'm not sure about the semi-colon in the first line of the third stanza.
Just a suggestion. What if you omitted the semi-colon and perhaps reworded the second line? I'm stumbling on that area just a trifle. The only suggestion I can come up with is
Impure Angels soar about the room
and bring with them unmistakable doom.
I like the essence of the way you have it. It just feels a trifle unnatural to me. This is just my opinion.
Overall
I love this piece. I think it is amazing and I love the image of "Impure Angels." The imagery in this piece is fantastic. Great job!
Keep writing!!!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/nann0827/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/10
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.66 seconds at 11:49pm on Apr 19, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Suggestions 
Overall