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1,172 Public Reviews Given
1,361 Total Reviews Given
Favorite Genres
fantasy,sci-fi, dark, nature, mythology
Favorite Item Types
Poetry, flash fiction
Public Reviews
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101
101
Review by § Forsaken §
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

*Note6*First Impressions*Note6*

A beautiful story.

*Idea*Questions/Suggestions*Idea*

The piece has five stanzas, four of which have five lines. My only suggestion is that, perhaps, you could add an additional line to the first stanza so that you would have five 5 line stanzas.

*Note6*Overall *Note6*

I'm really intrigued by the last three words. I'm tempted to attribute several meanings hidden in "hidden meaning lies." Depending on how you read it, it reads differently, with different inflection and meaning.
This is a beautiful piece. The imagery, the flow, the rhymes (is there a pattern I'm missing?), the story is magnificently told. It's also a very original idea. I had yet to hear this story told. It's woven very well. Great job!

Keep writing!!!



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102
102
Review by § Forsaken §
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

*Note6*First Impressions*Note6*

A little run-on, but a beautifully painted picture.

*Idea*Questions/Suggestions*Idea*

Some punctuation is needed between the second and third lines to separate the description/back story of the tree.

If the 'he' in the beginning refers to your dad, then I would suggest changing "my parents." You were saying he wanted to dig up the tree because it was cracking the foundation of your parents' house. It makes it sound as though he isn't one of your parents.


*Note6*Overall *Note6*

I thought that the set up (in one long run-on sentence) would detract from the piece. However, it seemed to sweep me away instead. I got caught up in the flow of it. The couplets at the end really solidify the piece. It gives it an abrupt end, yet feels natural. Your descriptions are very vivid. The end really breaks your heart. Great job.

Keep writing!!!



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103
103
Review by § Forsaken §
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

Specifically, I'm looking at The Wave of the Future and an End of an Era (#51, Entry #532720).

*Note6*First Impressions*Note6*

This is a very interesting and technical look at the future of media. The web, and the instantaneous nature that comes with it, is changing our world in ways we did not predict. There is no stopping the change once started.

*Idea*Questions/Suggestions*Idea*

The second paragraph feels like a run-on sentence. I feel a comma is wanting after "welcomed." Also it feels like something is missing around Big Business:

dislike Big Business builds

I believe "Big Business" is the beginning of a new sentence. Otherwise a connecting word is needed between dislike and Big to introduce the new subject.

In the third paragraph, "mans" needs an apostrophe. Generally speaking, when you start a sentence with a prepositional phrase ("At first"), you follow it with a comma. The matching comma around the description of Tower Records is missing (after 'players').

In the fourth paragraph, you need commas around "such as CBS." It's an example of the subject. In the fifth paragraph (and throughout the piece), "Todays" needs an apostrophe before the s.

I find myself a little confused by the sentence:
Right now, exactly the way they require it.

Is "Right now" the way the require it? If that's the case, you might replace the comma with a verb. (Right now is...)

In the seventh paragraph, "doesnt" requires an apostrophe before the t. In the eighth paragraph, in Distributes such as Ingram, do you mean "distributors"? Also, I believe "such as Ingram" should be set off in commas to afford a direct link between the subject (Distributes/distributors) and the verb (have discovered).

In the ninth paragraph, "dont" needs an apostrophe before the 't' and "servers" should be "serves" in servers their needs. The "Its" in the fourth sentence are contractions of "It is" and need an apostrophe before the s. Also, since each instance could be written as a complete sentence, the commas should be semi-colons. In the fourth sentence, "didnt" and "couldnt" require an apostrophe before the t. The "Its" towards the end of the paragraph needs an apostrophe as well. Its written well.

In the last paragraph, shouldn't record artists be recording artists? "Dont" needs an apostrophe.

I feel like there was a wrap-up coming at the end that I missed. Perhaps you might close the piece with a general notion of what the future might look like or a simple summary of the points you've made.

*Note6*Overall *Note6*

Something I think is interesting is that you say most people don't care where the books/CDs come from. I think most people don't know where the media comes from. They just gobble it up. Also, I think you might find that, with the disgust with Big Business, more people would prefer to purchase directly from the author/artist. Why line the pockets of some CEO when you could reward the person who is entertaining you?

The internet is changing everything. I think you've covered what is affected and how the businesses are being effected well. MySpace, especially, is changing the music world. How many new artists have started because of MySpace? With information moving so rapidly, businesses have to change their model or be left behind.

There were a few technical errors, but your facts and opinions have been presented logically and soundly. Good job!

Keep writing!!!



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104
104
Review of Valentine  
Review by § Forsaken §
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

*Note6*First Impressions*Note6*

This is a touching tribute to someone who clearly means a lot to you.

*Idea*Questions/Suggestions*Idea*

For this particular piece, I think punctuation would help control and direct the flow. There are parts that don't flow quite as well and need to be read a couple of times to find where (I think) the pause was intended.

In the first stanza, "write" isn't the proper form in the first line. Since you need it to rhyme with the next line, I think you should change "I have never" to something more like "I never did" to match the verb "write." In the second stanza, it should either be "You've captivated me" or "You captivate me."

In the fourth stanza, "line" should be plural unless Cupid is really only crossing one state line. In that case, I would recommend adding "the" before "state." Also, "entwine" should be "entwined."

In the last stanza, "you" should be "your."

*Note6*Overall *Note6*

This is a very interesting piece. I find it interesting in that you keep expressing an ardor for the person, yet it seems as though you just want the literary connection. I like how you put yourself out there. You're willing to be hurt in order to experience something wonderful.

The red font and the hearts really lend a Valentiney feel to the piece. The rhymes are nice (though occasionally a stretch, like soul/hold) and help the overall feel of the piece. Good job!

Keep writing!!!



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105
105
Review of I'm Special Too  
Review by § Forsaken §
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

*Note6*First Impressions*Note6*

What a marvelous little piece.

*Idea*Questions/Suggestions*Idea*

*Thumbsup*None.

*Note6*Overall *Note6*

Gosh, just reading this made me feel better! You've hit the nail right on the head. It's not really fair to compare ourselves to others. If we were them, we'd have the same weaknesses/strengths. We all have our own unique talents. It's just too easy to forget that sometimes. Sometimes, I think it's just that some talents are easy to see, while others are more obscure or hidden. I don't always think of creativity as a talent, but it really and truly is. We all have talents and we are all special. Thank you for reminding me. Great job!

Keep writing!!!



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106
106
Review by § Forsaken §
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

*Note6*First Impressions*Note6*

A fluid, heartfelt piece.

*Idea*Questions/Suggestions*Idea*

In the second stanza, the last two lines can't really stand on their own. It feels, to me, that they should be connected to the previous line. The same can be said for the last two lines of the next stanza, except they seem to fit more with the next line rather than the previous.

In the fifth stanza, I think "not" in the last line should be "no." With not one waiting

*Note6*Overall *Note6*

In the fourth stanza, I've never encountered "leech" used in that manner. I like how you've given it a new meaning. The whole piece flows well.

The emotions you express are ones that I can easily relate to. It feels like you looked into my soul. Have you been spying on me? You've really captured what it's like to have a broken heart. Great job!

Keep writing!!!



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107
107
Review of Released  
Review by § Forsaken §
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

*Note6*First Impressions*Note6*

Simply beautiful and heartfelt.

*Idea*Questions/Comments*Idea*

I like how the lack of punctuation lets the piece flow and float on its own. It's a nice link to the image sea image at the end.

I didn't notice any spelling/grammatical errors.

*Note6*Overall *Note6*

I love the imagery in this piece. The piece has a very fluid feel to it. I especially love the last stanza. It has a perfect flow and beautiful imagery. Great job!

Keep writing!!!



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108
108
Review of 'The Incident'  
Review by § Forsaken §
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

*Note6*First Impressions*Note6*

The rhythm of the dialog really moves the piece along. I love the drama and the intrigue.

*Idea*Questions/Comments*Idea*

In the 24th paragraph, the verb "there's" doesn't agree with the subject "vegetables." As vegetables is plural, the verb should be plural (are). I think you need a comma after "leave" in the 30th paragraph.

In the last dialog before the break, the agent uses a contraction in the second sentence but not in the first. It seems like if he says "Do not" he would say "You will" instead of "You'll." or "Don't" and "You'll." Just an observation.

Is there another part? It ends so abruptly; I start asking questions just as it finishes! I became very curious about what exactly was happening in the end.

*Note6*Overall *Note6*

I like the dialog style. Her dialog is especially colorful and accurate. It feels very real. I think this piece could make a very dramatic and intriguing longer piece. I'd really like to see more on the government's side. Great job!

Keep writing!!!



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109
109
Review by § Forsaken §
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

*Note6*First Impressions*Note6*

This is a tremendous piece.

*Idea*Questions/Comments*Idea*

I didn't notice any spelling or grammatical errors.

*Note6*Overall *Note6*

Wow. I started to get goosebumps when you started to talk about the world impact of music. You just don't think about the impact that music has on everyone's life. It really strikes a chord sometimes. This is marvelous tribute. I wish that everyone would read this! Not just the people who feel sorry for him or for his death, but also the ones who want to debase and criticize him. He wasn't just an eccentric or a musician; he was a human being. Who are we to judge? He touched the lives of millions. For that, he deserves a modicum of respect.

Fantastic job!

Keep writing!!!



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110
110
Review of A Day in My Life  
Review by § Forsaken §
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

*Note6*First Impressions*Note6*

One more great story to add to the list of the crazy things that kids say.

*Idea*Suggestions *Idea*

In the first stanza, I think the comma in the last line should be a period. It doesn't feel like the dialog continues on to the next stanza.

In the fourth stanza, the phrase "young handsome man" felt a little awkward to me. To me, it feels more natural to put young after handsome. Otherwise, I think you need a comma after young to separate your two modifiers.

I'm not sure how the roll of duct tape comes into play. It feels a little thrown in there just for the rhyme.

In the seventh stanza, I think the comma on line two should be a semi-colon or a period. The phrases on both sides are complete. The semi-colon in the next stanza should be a comma as well as the semi-colon in the last stanza.

*Note6*Overall *Note6*

Your rhymes are great and the piece flows very well. Turn around is fair play, and isn't it fun when the shoe's on the other foot? I think everyone has a story in the same class as this, and we can all relate. Sometimes, it would be nice to have a seven second delay on the kids like the FCC with live television. Great job.

Keep writing!!!



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111
111
Review of Scrap Metal  
Review by § Forsaken §
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

*Note6*First Impressions*Note6*

This is an intriguing piece. You paint a clear picture with few words.

*Idea*Suggestions *Idea*

In the ninth and tenth paragraphs, there are a couple of semi-colons that should be commas. The last phrases of each paragraph can't stand on their own and shouldn't be set aside by a semi-colon. If you change the verb tense in the last phrase in the ninth paragraph to match the rest of the paragraph (past tense) the semi-colon will be fine there.

*Note6*Overall *Note6*

A very interesting tale you've woven with only 300 words. This is the second piece I've read in a couple of days with one spouse taking a final nap. It seems to be a new trend. I like how you made the most of the words you had to give us a good description of the scene. Good job!

Keep writing!!!



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112
112
Review of The Scream  
Review by § Forsaken §
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

*Note6*First Impressions*Note6*

I feel a lot of power in this little piece. The words drip with the emotions of the event.

*Idea*Suggestions *Idea*

I didn't notice any errors or confusing areas.

*Note6*Overall *Note6*

The first line really hits home. You don't waste anytime getting to the heart of the matter. The whole scene is vividly painted in a simple manner. I like the repetition and the way you have the piece laid out. The piece really speaks in a visual way from the sounds you've given us. Great job!

Keep writing!!!



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113
113
Review by § Forsaken §
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

*Note6*First Impressions*Note6*

This is a fun piece. I like the nature descriptions.

*Idea*Suggestions *Idea*

In the first stanza, the period in the last line should be inside the quotation marks.

*Note6*Overall *Note6*

The rhymes are terrific and the piece flows well. I didn't notice any particular syllabic scheme, but it's close. I like the lightness of the piece. The main character doesn't seem frightened and, if the wolves noticed him, they realize. An intriguing glimpse. Good job!

Keep writing!!!



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114
114
Review of Hanging Time  
Review by § Forsaken §
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

*Note6*First Impressions*Note6*

Time travel stories are always intriguing in how much trouble the time travelers can get into.

*Idea*Suggestions *Idea*

In the second paragraph, I believe you need a comma after "all" in the third sentence. In the fifth paragraph, you need a semi-colon after "uncle's" to separate the two complete sentences. The "i" in the next paragraph should be capitalized.

In the sixteenth paragraph, I'm not sure what was meant in the strangers answer. Are there other people in the room or is Kit supposed to be a stranger to the old man (in which case "strangers" needs an apostrophe before the s).

In the next paragraph, "rooting" should be "rotting." You also need a comma after "confused" in the third sentence. In the 23rd paragraph, the "i" needs to be capitalized. Ditto for 25th paragraph.

There's an extra space after the comma in the last line of the poem Kit's composing. In the paragraph that follows, you say "Maybe when he found a way to travel home." The professor in the beginning told him to use the sand. What happened to it?

In the next paragraph, the wording of on the door of the old man is a little awkward. It would help to add the word "residence" or something similar after "man" to identify that Christopher is knocking on the door of the man's house not on the door of the man. Also, the hand of silence? "The" implies it is a well known sign, I think that "a" hand of silence would be more appropriate.

In the next paragraph, you need a comma after Marlow and the "i" should be capitalized. "i" is always capitalized. When you switch from Christopher to Kit, you should start with the name rather than 'he.' It's easy to get confused when going between two male characters.

In the next paragraph, the second sentence is actually two sentences. You need a semi-colon after "brawl" and a comma after 1593. An apostrophe is needed before the "s" in "Kits." I think the period at the end of Could Time Last Long Enough. should be a question mark.

In the last paragraph, there should be a comma after "away." I'm not sure about the last word. Are you tying it back to "Drop and Stop" or is it supposed to link to something else?

*Note6*Overall *Note6*

I'm curious what happens to the Christopher of the 1500's. I guess he really got a new lease on life!

The story is very intriguing, and you really kept my interest. It's a shame about Kit. The story needs a little polish, but you have a great foundation. Good job!

Keep writing!!!



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115
115
Review of Discarded v3  
Review by § Forsaken §
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

*Note6*First Impressions*Note6*

This is a troubled and emotional piece. It really needs a couple of reads to get the full feel of the piece.

*Idea*Suggestions *Idea*

In the fourth stanza, I'm a little confused by one sentence:
As a cat rubbed against my leg,/ it was inescapable/ but to lean over and utterly dreadful to touch it.

I think you meant to describe the feeling of touching it as "utterly dreadful," but I'm not sure.

In the seventh stanza, if you're using the term "cousin" in lieu of a name, you should capitalize the see or add an "a" before it. In the tenth stanza, the semi-colon isn't really appropriate at the end. The first two lines are introducing who "they" are as the subject in the next sentence and should be joined to that sentence. The semi-colon in line four should be a comma, unless you remove the "and" at the beginning of the next line. The semi-colon after "alone" should also be a comma.

The semi-colon in the last stanza should be a comma as well since you are listing a series of things that you can't tell the difference between. Also, I think adding the word "my" before "tears" would be nice. It is implied, but it really feels lacking.

*Note6*Overall *Note6*

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to compare this piece with. Do you have other versions in your port? You might link to them either in the beginning or at the end if you want feedback on how the improvements are going.

I felt a little lost in the beginning during the first reading. I wasn't sure what the setting was. At first, I thought it might be an abandoned kennel or something. It's perfectly clear when you read it again, and it makes more sense the second time through.

I like the spacing, the way you have the piece laid out. The piece is strong on feeling. There's a heaviness to the piece, a serious and somber feeling. Good job.

Keep writing!!!



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116
116
Review by § Forsaken §
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

*Note6*First Impressions*Note6*

This is a wonderfully funny story!

*Idea*Suggestions *Idea*

I'm wondering why "my" in the first line is capitalized. In the lines that end with a prepositional phrase, you don't need the comma before the phrase. Lines 3 and 4, for instance. I'm also not sure why there are so many commas in lines 3 and 4 of the second stanza. Also, I think that "they've" should be "they'd" to keep with the tense.

*Note6*Overall *Note6*

The images you painted bring a smile across my face. You've created quite the story! It's clever and funny. Your rhymes are terrific, and the piece flows well. Great job!

Keep writing!!!



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117
117
Review by § Forsaken §
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

*Note6*First Impressions*Note6*

This is a wonderful piece. The sadness doesn't weigh down the piece. It's a nice piece of remembering.

*Idea*Suggestions *Idea*

I prefer to take punctuation on all or nothing (save, perhaps, one period at the end of a no punctuation piece). I think this piece would do well without punctuation. I don't think you need the single periods to mark the transition between stanzas. Otherwise, I would like to see more markup between the sentences.

*Note6*Overall *Note6*

The piece flows really well, and the rhymes are terrific.

It's really hard to lose a loved one, especially when you watch their children grow. It reminds you of all you've missed with that person. This is a wonderful, heartfelt piece. Great job!

Keep writing!!!



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118
Review of Hotly Scored  
Review by § Forsaken §
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

*Note6*First Impressions*Note6*

I love the analogy. Why are we drawn to things that will hurt us?

*Idea*Suggestions *Idea*

I didn't find any spelling or grammatical errors.

*Note6*Overall *Note6*

I like the shortness of the piece. The rhymes tie it together nicely. I think a lot of people can relate to the emotions and ideas you present in this piece. The first instinct is "When will we learn?" But it's not exactly like the moth to the flame. It's like a fly running into a window. Eventually, it'll get out. One day the results will be worth all the pain! (Or so I hope.)

Great job!

Keep writing!!!



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119
119
Review by § Forsaken §
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

*Note6*First Impressions*Note6*

Terrific piece! I like the rhymes though they almost seem to be random.

*Idea*Suggestions *Idea*

I don't think you need the comma after "more" in the last line of the first stanza. Also, the comma after "only" in the fourth stanza separates your subject from the verb (I only could have)

*Note6*Overall *Note6*

I love the flow and incidental rhymes. Your descriptions are fantastic! The scene you paint is incredibly vivid. It's enough to give one goosebumps and keep them looking over their shoulder. The story has been told well. Great job!

Keep writing!!!



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120
Review of Noise  
Review by § Forsaken §
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

*Note6*First Impressions*Note6*

A wonderful and powerful piece.

*Idea*Suggestions *Idea*

None.

*Note6*Overall *Note6*

I love the way you have the piece set up. Your words paint a vivid picture. Not just of scenes but of people and emotions. I like the reiteration of "you crave noise" it cements the piece together and gives it a complete feeling. Great job!

Keep writing!!!



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121
121
Review by § Forsaken §
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

*Note6*First Impressions*Note6*

Terrific nature themed piece.

*Idea*Suggestions *Idea*

You have a few lines set off that aren't complete sentences. Lines four, eight, nineteen through twenty-one, and twenty-four need to be connected to either the previous or next line.

*Note6*Overall *Note6*

A great descriptive piece. I think its great that you are so mindful of your surroundings. It will make you more prepared. Too many people take things for granted and don't realize how powerful Mother Nature is. Great job!

Keep writing!!!



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122
Review of STANDING TALL  
Review by § Forsaken §
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

*Note6*First Impressions*Note6*

Terrific piece. I love the cadence and rhymes.

*Idea*Suggestions *Idea*

I'm afraid I feel that I've missed the main point, the key event, to the piece. I'm just not sure what happened. I have the feeling that the officer broke a rule, but I don't know what rule he broke.

*Note6*Overall *Note6*

Standing up for what you believe in can be very difficult for the reason you point out in this piece. It's so easy for mob rule to crush people with a different view. Great job!

Keep writing!!!



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123
Review of April Summer  
Review by § Forsaken §
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

*Note6*First Impressions*Note6*

Just wait! Maybe it will snow in June? Terrific descriptions.

*Idea*Suggestions *Idea*

The first stanza has a different feel it it. You don't have the subject "I" in like you do in the rest of the piece. I think you could fill out the implied first person subjects. Instead of saying "Glance at my..." just come out and say "I glance..." I think it will give the first half of the first stanza a fuller feel.

*Note6*Overall *Note6*

Your descriptions are terrific! You paint a vivid picture. Whether balmy or frigid, you can never find a decent parking space in extreme weather. I can also relate to the "Hot enough for you." People are the same everywhere! *Laugh* It's always the same. In the winter here, they all ask "Is it cold enough yet?"

Great job!

Keep writing!!!



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124
124
Review of Kayla  
Review by § Forsaken §
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

*Note6*First Impressions*Note6*

Darling!

*Idea*Suggestions *Idea*

A comma after "heart" in the second line might be nice.

*Note6*Overall *Note6*

This is a wonderful piece! It paints an accurate picture. I love the images, they are so true to life. You don't have to tell us what the animal is, you show us beautifully. Pets are amazing. I adore the image of knocking things off the table with the wagging tail! Just thinking about it brings a smile to my face. Great job!

Keep writing!!!



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125
125
Review by § Forsaken §
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

*Note6*First Impressions*Note6*

I love the idea of listening in to a whale conversation. I think you've captured it beautifully. They are far more understanding than we.

*Idea*Suggestions *Idea*

I think you need a comma in the first paragraph, third sentence, after "nearby." Also after "head phones," which I think should be one word.

Third paragraph, "though" should be "thought" in the first sentence.

The dialog in the sixth paragraph feels a little awkward. The first phrase is "I'm telling you" but the speaker proceeds to ask a question rather than make a statement. "The" after "ocean" should be "they," and I think "one" in "come one" should be "on." Was there something tangled in the net or was it just a discarded net? I'm not sure what she's referring to when she asks "What if that had happened to me?"

In the eighth paragraph, "tying" should be "trying." In the ninth paragraph, "They" should be "There" unless you remove "of them." They are far too few of them The last sentence of this paragraph implies that the humans do the same to the whales as the whales to the humans. Instead of "must they do the same," I think it should be "Why can't they do the same."

*Note6*Overall *Note6*

I like the open end. I think a second part would be an interesting one. What would happen in the world could hear the conversation that Susan and Luke had just heard? Would we change or not? Great job!

Keep writing!!!



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