Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.
First Impressions
I love the idea of listening in to a whale conversation. I think you've captured it beautifully. They are far more understanding than we.
Suggestions
I think you need a comma in the first paragraph, third sentence, after "nearby." Also after "head phones," which I think should be one word.
Third paragraph, "though" should be "thought" in the first sentence.
The dialog in the sixth paragraph feels a little awkward. The first phrase is "I'm telling you" but the speaker proceeds to ask a question rather than make a statement. "The" after "ocean" should be "they," and I think "one" in "come one" should be "on." Was there something tangled in the net or was it just a discarded net? I'm not sure what she's referring to when she asks "What if that had happened to me?"
In the eighth paragraph, "tying" should be "trying." In the ninth paragraph, "They" should be "There" unless you remove "of them." They are far too few of them The last sentence of this paragraph implies that the humans do the same to the whales as the whales to the humans. Instead of "must they do the same," I think it should be "Why can't they do the same."
Overall
I like the open end. I think a second part would be an interesting one. What would happen in the world could hear the conversation that Susan and Luke had just heard? Would we change or not? Great job!
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.
First Impressions
This is a terrific piece. We don't take the time to think about the people out there protecting us everyday. I especially appreciate this piece as my brother-in-law is a police officer.
Suggestions
In the third paragraph, I think you meant "They're" instead of "There" in the second sentence. There labeled as guardians
I think the last paragraph could be split into two. You describe the life, then launch into questions. I think the questions deserve their own paragraph. You also need a comma in the last sentence after "life."
In this last paragraph, you switch your subject a little bit. The rest of the piece deals specifically with police officers, I believe in general. The last paragraph refers specifically to Marines. I think it would be best to leave it in a general sense rather than be specific at the end.
Overall
This is a terrific essay. You give a great overview of the general life and duty of a police officer. I love the tone of the opening paragraph. It does a great job of setting the piece up. You end the piece beautifully as well. Great job!
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.
First Impressions
This is a tremendous piece. I love how it transforms.
Suggestions
I've noticed some inconsistencies in capitalization. Generally, you only capitalize the beginning of a sentence, but there are a some instances where the beginning of the line is capitalized. For instance, in the third stanza lines six and seven are capitalized though they are in the middle of the sentence.
The comma before "that flickered brighter" isn't needed.
Overall
I like the inset of different colors. It really helps mark the transitions. The piece starts in an almost abstract sense of descriptions and quickly builds to a complete story. Your descriptions are terrific. The ending really ties the piece together; it makes it feel truly complete. Great job!
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.
First Impressions
It never ceases to amaze me, the power and flexibility of words. Books, any written material really, are amazing things.
Suggestions
In stanza three, you end the third line with a period, but forgot to capitalize the beginning of the next line. Same with the sixth line of the last stanza. The previous line ends with a period, but this line isn't capitalized.
Overall
I love the wide range. You really can find words anywhere, and they can take you anywhere. It's incredible the number of worlds that be contained within a page. Great job!
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.
First Impressions
This is a beautiful piece. You've captured the images wonderfully.
Suggestions
The first phrase of the second line can't stand on its own. When I read it, it feels like it is a continuation of the first sentence. I think the semi-colon at the end of line one would be better as a comma to join this sentence with the next phrase.
In the fourth sentence, I feel a contradiction in "light fading" "before dawn."
Overall
Your images are as terrific as they are numerous. All the images are fitting as well as diverse. I'll never think of Topaz the same way again. The last two lines really resonate with me. Great job!
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.
First Impressions
This is a lovely piece. The rhymes and flow swept me away into a wonderful and fanciful world.
Suggestions
In the second stanza, I'm wondering if you don't need a comma in front of "snap" as well since it's somewhat like an interjection. In the third stanza, you don't need the comma at the end of line three. It separates the subject (dreams) from the verb (scamper).'
In the second to last stanza, I think the period in the first line would be better as a comma. In the second line, I believe the question mark should be a comma as the next bit starts with a lowercase.
Overall
Your descriptions are wonderful. I feel like I can see the entire scene. The introduction of the second character lends humor to the piece. I can relate to the scenes, especially what she experiences looking back at her childhood and the memories brought forth in swinging. Great job!
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.
First Impressions
This pulls you in immediately. Your descriptions are vivid.
Suggestions
How about expanding the piece? You really had me until the last four words. The last four words jarred me awake! I'm left with questions: What exactly is going on?!? What's with the needle? I have my ideas and theories, but I'd like to know what idea you're presenting.
Overall
A very intriguing piece. It's much more than I thought it would be upon reading the first sentence. The style and flow pull you into the piece immediately, which is important for short pieces. I feel that the end is a cliffhanger, and I really want to know what happens next! Great job!
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.
First Impressions
A terrific piece! The rhymes and syllabics are perfect.
Suggestions
None.
Overall
This has been marvelously done. Your descriptions are fantastic. You've turned an ordinary object into a fanciful, haunting creature. I love how you change the tone from scary to humorous. Terrific job!!
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.
First Impressions
A short, yet poignant piece. You get all the myriad of feelings across simply.
Suggestions
In the last two stanzas, you connect the middle two lines and leave the outer two separate. To me, this feels backwards. The first line of the fourth stanza seems to need the second line. If you take away the lines outside of the semi-colons in the last two stanzas, the middle sentence reads: I cannot want, and what I want. I think it might be clearer and closer to the intention to move the semi-colons to the second line of the fourth stanza.
Overall
Beneath the simplicity lies complex emotions. It's so strange how we can want something only because we can't have it. I know I can relate to this piece, and I'm sure that almost everyone else can too! Emotions can be difficult to express and understand. You've really captured that in this piece. Great job!
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.
First Impressions
This story just goes to show how much we're willing to go through in order to have a change of scenery!
Suggestions
About halfway down in the paragraph that starts "He whispers to me," the ending quotes of his dialog are missing (before, "I settle down...).
The middle of the story is in present tense while the beginning and end are in past tense. You might consider changing the tense in the middle to keep continuity.
Overall
You've told the story very well! The thoughts and feelings have been expressed clearly. Great job!
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.
First Impressions
This is a very humorous story! Your characters feel very realistic.
Suggestions
In the first paragraph, I think you should include "he" before "had some crazy ideas."
In the second, third and fifth paragraphs you have a comma outside your quotation marks. (person",) Commas should always go inside the quotation marks.
In the third paragraph, the second sentence is a trifle long and has quite a few instances of "and." You might consider replacing the first 'and' with a comma.
he quickly finished his bath, and dressed in his pair of newly-bought jeans and a white shirt and left his hostel room
In the fifth paragraph, I don't think you need the first instance of "on" in the first sentence. put on an apron on Isaac
Fourth paragraph from the bottom, Isaac left the salon and rushed out. As it's difficult to rush out after you've left, I might suggestion that Isaac "rushed out of the salon."
Overall
I'm a little curious as to what, precisely, happened to his hair. Did Mike do it as protest for cutting his hair, or did Isaac unknowingly do something to change the color?
I feel like I know the characters, even though we've just met them. You do a terrific job in introducing them and making them feel real. This is a great piece for St. Patrick's Day. The descriptions and interactions are wonderful. Great job!
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.
First Impressions
This is a lovely piece. The simplicity allows the sensations to come to the foreground.
Suggestions
In the first line, I don't think that "tag's" need the apostrophe s. I don't see anything that belongs to the tag, and it isn't carrying out the action. Rather than: The sound of my dog’s tag’s chiming
I think it would be clearer to say: The sound of my dog’s tag chiming
Overall
The lack of punctuation really works for this piece. Your descriptions are clear. I love the sensory idea of exhaust and fresh cut grass. It seems like an odd combination, but one I, too, am familiar with. You bring the world to life with just the sounds. It's amazing, when you think about it, how much of our world is made up of sound. Great job!
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.
First Impressions
This is a beautiful, heartfelt piece. It's full of love and emotion, and it brought a tear to my eye.
Suggestions
In the first stanza, the word "nodded" is synonymous with assent in my mind. This seems a little contradictory to me. I think that something like "She shook her head..." might give the reader a clearer description and has the same number of syllables as "She nodded no."
In the last stanza, you have a semi-colon after the phrase "So with out love" in the third line. Since this phrase can't stand on its own, I think the semi-colon might be better off as a comma.
Overall
The piece flows well and your rhymes are terrific. You tell their life story beautifully. The descriptions are fantastic. I especially like the description of the ring. How it started off inscribed and was worn smooth through the years. It's a great symbol of their enduring love. It's a beautiful piece. Great job!
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.
First Impressions
This is a lovely piece. Megan Rose is a wonderful person; this is a great poem celebrating her as a person and friend.
Suggestions
None.
Overall
I appreciate the note on form at the end. You've stuck to the form very well. The rhymes and flow are terrific, as is your imagery. It amazes me how many different images that you present in this piece. This is a wonderful testimonial. Great job!
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.
First Impressions
This is a lovely piece. The images and emotions you invoke go deep. There really is nothing like new life.
Suggestions
In the last stanza, I think the punctuation should be the same as in the first stanza. In the first stanza, you have commas at the end of lines six and seven. I think they are still appropriate in the last stanza. I'm wondering if a comma might be appropriate after "and" to set off the phrase.
Overall
Your rhymes and flow are terrific. You get a real feeling for the ultimate joy of new life. The emotions drip off the page. The simpleness of the piece in form and structure lets the true meaning, light, and love of the piece to shine and take center stage. Great job!
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.
First Impressions
This is a lovely piece. You've captured the characters perfectly! I can really relate to the sibling rivalry.
Suggestions
I would like a little more description of the exterior of the box. I don't feel like I have a feel for what the box looks like. It's antique, but it is plain or intricate, unvarnished or varnished (dull or shiny)?
Overall
This is a terrific piece. Your characters are very realstic. The whole story seems transposed from life. I love how you woven in that she could smell the flowers. It really helps to bring the garden to life. Great job!
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.
First Impressions
This is a beautiful essay!
Suggestions
None.
Overall
You've expressed yourself very well. Your thoughts are clear and presented in a succinct manner. This is an uplifting piece. I'm sure countless others felt as you did during the inauguration (I know I did!). You've expressed your opinions in a simple and factual manner without actually pushing your views. You've done a marvelous job with this piece!
Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.
First Impressions
This is an interesting piece. I can relate to the idea and musings. It's amazing all we have at our disposal when we are alone and without distraction.
Suggestions
The last six lines feel like they are more than one sentence. It might be that I feel this as the last four lines are the same as the first. If you want them all as one sentence, I don't think you need the comma after "chair." I think you will want to end the piece with a period.
Overall
This is a fun piece. Sometimes, we get caught up in all the electronics and gadgets and we forget all that we have within our minds. I like how you leave the journey open. We will all find different things within our minds. You leave us to discover them rather than put the end result out in the open. Great job!
Thank you for sharing this piece, and giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.
First Impressions
This is a really interesting analogy. I love the comparison. You've done a great job explaining it all out.
Suggestions
You use dashes and ellipses where I think traditional punctuation would work fine. In the third line, the dash makes one wonder if something has been left out, or if there is another parallel to draw. I think a comma here would be best as it feels like part of the phrase set aside to describe whiplash. I have a better feeling and understanding of the use of the second dash.
Ellipses are typically used to show that something has been omitted or to show a thought or dialog trailing off as though the character's mental train has been derailed. I don't really get that sensation in the places where you have used ellipses. It feels more like the ending of a sentence than a trailing of thought. I also don't get the sensation of skipping ahead or that something has been omitted.
Overall
I like the analogy. It's easy to be swept away by the language and flow of the piece. At times, one has the sensation of being lost. It's easy to lose track of the subjects, verbs, and sentence structure. At times, it almost has an ethereal feel to it, disconnected from reality. Good job.
Thank you for sharing this piece, and giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.
First Impressions
This is a terrific piece. I love the feel and flow of it.
Suggestions
In the third stanza, since you aren't capitalizing the first word of each line, I don't think "Me" in the last line should be capitalized.
Overall
Your descriptions are terrific. I love the way the piece feels. It flows well and captures the scene beautifully. I like the personality that you have bestowed upon the hurricane. It reminds me a little of Greek mythology. Great job!
Thank you for sharing this piece, and giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.
First Impressions
This is a beautiful piece. There's something silky about the way it flows. It can feel abstract, yet make complete sense.
Suggestions
In the second stanza, the second sentence is a dependent phrase. It needs to be connected to either the line before or after it. You don't need the comma at the end of line seven.
Overall
I love the images you present, as well as the metaphors and pictures you paint. The idea of voices representing the unique people and circumstances is brilliant. The piece feels elusive at times- disconnected, like an idea not quite yet gained, yet grounded somehow. Great job!
Thank you for sharing this piece, and giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.
First Impressions
This is an intriguing piece. I like how you compare homework to Sims.
Suggestions
Some of your sentences seem a little run on. In the third paragraph, for instance, I felt like I was getting a lost in the first sentence.
I do understand why I have to try and make sure that I stay ahead of it, because if I don’t I get further behind and people who rely on me to get certain bits of information can’t and find themselves lacking it because I didn’t pull up my end.
I think you could break this up a little bit and rearrange parts to make it clearer. Also in this paragraph, you should have commas around "if I don't" and an apostrophe in "A teachers life." Life belongs to the teacher(s?).
In the next paragraph, I think it might sound better to say unfair to them rather than "unfair on them." You also need a comma after "them."
Overall
This is a fun piece. It's very interesting to see your arguments for and against Sims and homework. I think that it is great that you ended on a note of understand, but showed how we may not always follow through even though we understand why we should. Knowing what is right and doing what is right are two different things. Good job!
Thank you for sharing this piece, and giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.
First Impressions
This is a lovely piece. It flows well and your rhymes are great.
Suggestions
I wonder about the age of the grandkids. The presents you have listed seem as they would be for adults (save the cookies). I find myself wondering if all her grandkids are grown. If that's the case, I would sure like a grandma like her!
Overall
I didn't find any specific syllabics pattern, but it flows very well none the less. You present the picture beautifully; your images are great. This poem is a lovely family Christmas. Great job!
Thank you for sharing this piece, and giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.
First Impressions
This is a very interesting piece. I like how you went in a different way than what most people would imagine.
Suggestions
I might suggest a little elaboration. I'm unfamiliar with Douglas Adams and “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy." A little background information would help me to better understand his behavior.
In the first and third paragraphs you have the punctuation outside the quotation marks ("Galaxy", and "panic",) where it should be inside.
Overall
You've described your dishes wonderfully. The character feels realistic. I can imagine this as something that would happen. When we think about conversations with deceased celebrities, we generally imagine them going perfectly. I like how you have twisted it to feel more realistic than idealistic. Great job!
Thank you for sharing this piece, and giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.
First Impressions
This is a great story. Reading it was a lot of fun. I love how you wove everything in.
Suggestions
I'm only wondering one thing: Why he "went to bed" early. Was he plotting his plan of action where no one could question him? I'm just wondering what he did between the time after dinner and 2 A.M.
Overall
This is a fun story. I really like how you left it open for a new chapter. I can only imagine and wonder at what will happen next. I certainly hope that everything turns out for the best. Great job!
Keep writing!!!
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