Thank you for sharing this piece, and giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.
First Impressions
This is a beautiful and touching piece. It has been well told.
Suggestions
In the fourth paragraph, I'm wondering if there isn't a better way to tell your readers that he had had a heart attack and collapsed. Personally, the phrase "keeled over" holds a different meaning for me. My relatives use the phrase instead of "kick the bucket." Thus is sounds little harsh to me. However this is only my connotation.
Overall
This is a lovely, inspiring piece. Thank you for sharing this story with us. It gives one a lot to think about. Great job!
Thank you for sharing this piece, and giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.
First Impressions
This is a lovely piece. I love how you personified the characters. They seem very realistic. Your details are terrific.
Suggestions
You might consider a comma after "morning" in the first sentence of the eighth paragraph.
Overall
The ending is perfect. The interactions between the characters are fantastic. I love the little additional touches you add to the characters' actions. The little touches add a lot to the characters. This is a terrific story. Great job!
Thank you for sharing this piece, and giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.
First Impressions
This is a great article dealing with the history of Thanksgiving. You've put a lot of thought into this. I love how you move through time as Thanksgiving changed and evolved.
Suggestions
In the fourth paragraph, I think you could use a comma after "deprivation" in the first sentence.
In the last paragraph, you mention in passing that Thanksgiving is held on the last Thursday of November. Perhaps you could also include how it came to be on this date.
Overall
This is a terrific and enlightening article. Your facts are presented clearly and in an orderly manner. Everything progresses in a clear direction and you don't go back and forth between eras. Great job!
This is a cute piece! You've followed the pattern of the Twelve Days of Christmas very well. I can hear the music in my head.
Suggestions
You might consider breaking the piece up a little bit. An extra space after each 'stanza' would be nice. Towards the end, it feels text heavy. Just an idea, I've also seen the original laid out with each gift on it's own line.
Overall
I'm sure that other fishers can appreciate this piece more than I can. (For instance, I had to look up Rapala.) The jargon of the piece doesn't detract from it. Each gift fits into the beat that I have in my head. Good job!
What a sad story. It's so sad when children's hopes are dashed. You've done your rhymes very well. The whole piece flows together nicely. Your descriptions are terrific. Your story-telling is excellent. Great job!
This is a beautiful piece! I love the way you have it set up. Your details and descriptions are fantastic. You've tied the different seasons together nicely. I like how you have the trees mimicking winter. I wouldn't have thought about it that way. Great job!
This is a lovely piece! The language truly does feel Shakespearean. Your rhymes are good. I couldn't find a syllabics pattern, but the piece still flows extremely well as the lines are a close in syllabics. Personally, I think some additional punctuation would help the piece. The descriptions are good. Line six is my favorite, My heart longs for love's deep glorious stain.
Great job!
Keep writing!!!
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This is a terrific story! I love how you personified pet peeves. I think it was a fantastic idea. Your characters are well developed. I loved the descriptions of the pet peeves and how their actions reflected back on Moira. You've come up with some wonderful peeves as well. It's amazing how many things can annoy a person. I really enjoyed your descriptions of them.
Great job!
Keep writing!!!
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This story is positively hilarious! Your descriptions are terrific. I love the way you have developed the different characters. In the eighth paragraph, you don't need the apostrophe in "election's." Your expletives are extremely clever and amusing. The extra stories woven really add to the overall scene and story.
Great job!
Keep writing!!!
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This is a very pretty and grand tribute to a special person who has graced your life. The piece flows well and your rhymes are terrific.
Suggestions
I was unable to find a rhyme scheme, so I'm not sure why you left syllables off some of the words. For instance, in stanza one, "has pave" should be "has paved," "children heavy load" should be "children's heavy load." Also, I'm not quite sure the intended meaning of Not of contention. I think you might mean, "Not to contend with."
Overall
I love the sentiment that you have presented to us in this piece. It's always such an honor to meet people that you feel graced to have known, if even for just a moment. Good job.
This is a lovely piece. It flows very well and your rhymes have been done beautifully. The story is described well and easy to follow. They emotions are presented clearly.
Suggestions
Since you have a comma in the first line and a period on the last, I would suggest that you fill out the rest of the punctuation in between.
I like how you use "heart," "mind," "eyes," etc. instead of saying "my heart..." I like the style. Since you're using them in place of "I" many times, how would it be if you capitalized them?
You lost me a little bit in the last two stanzas. In the second to last stanza, I get the feeling that she has wounded him (by not returning his feelings?). In the last stanza, is the lie that she wants to stay or that she wants him to stay?
Overall
I like the way the piece (and overall story) flows. The rhyming adds a nice feel to the piece. Great job!
This is a wonderful piece. I can really feel the beauty and majesty of the night sky. They flow of the piece and your rhymes are terrific. I don't think you need the first comma in the second stanza. Your descriptions are terrific. Great job!
This was an exciting story. The first person POV works very well. Your descriptions are fantastic. I love the juxtaposition of the two character's dispositions.
Suggestions
In the first sentence, you need a period or semi-colon after "I hate storms."
In the fifth paragraph, your second sentence runs for most of the paragraph. You might consider breaking it up a little. It feels run-on to me.
Overall
The pups are a great addition to the story. They add a lot to this story. Your characters are great and well developed. Good job.
This is a great story. I loved how you wove all the different book titles in. They transitioned in smoothly. They also add a nice spice to some of the dialog. I like the diary-esk feel to the piece. It gives the piece a very personal feel to it. Great job!
This is a lovely piece. Your descriptions of the American Thanksgiving are fantastic. The piece flows well and your rhymes are great.
Suggestions
I think the period at the end of the first line should be a comma. I don't think you need the first comma in stanza 2.
In the last two stanzas, you have a space after the "I" in the contractions "I'd" and "I'll" and before the apostrophe in "food's."
Overall
I love how you threw Google in there. What would we all do without Google? This has been done extremely well. It's a great description for all those unfamiliar with Thanksgiving. Great job!
This is a very intriguing story! I was trying to figure it all out as I went along. But you had me stumped on this one. You weaved the story in a most clever fashion!
Suggestions
I'm wondering why there was such a big deal if he just bumped into her. Your description of the event tones it down, as if it's no big deal. But then everyone makes a big deal about it. I'm wondering if it was more than just him grabbing the papers and running. Did he knock her down? Or is everyone overreacting a little bit-making something from nothing? Sometimes other people think that an event is big news, while others might not see its consequence.
Towards the end, you need a question mark at the end of "What's his name" Also, in this bit of conversation, you might consider adding a little extra something. Nora says she isn't sure about the lawyers name, then casually agrees when Janice tells it to her. I think it might be nice to add something like, "that's it."
Overall
You've developed the mystery well. I feel like I know Janice. I really like how you ended the story. She could have taken the easy way out, but she truly earned her way to where she was. Great job!
I love how you have introduced a light hearted feeling into such a serious conversation. You present the information in a concise manner that is easy to follow. I really feel for you. I like how you've ended the article with the same sentence you started with. It brings us right back to the beginning and lightens up what has become a very serious discussion. Great job!
This is a nice prologue. You introduce us to the characters and give us all the background information about the main character that we may need in the future.
Suggestions
Your paragraphs are a little on the long side. In the first paragraph, you introduce Jeni and Buddy, comment on Sassy's early life, show us how terrified she is, and illustrate how she is making improvements. Each new topic/movement could be its own paragraph.
I feel very disconnected. You tell me how everyone feels, but I don't feel it. I'm wondering if there is a way that you might show us, rather than tell us, what they are experiencing and feeling.
In the second to last paragraph, Sassy says, "I didn't even know that!" She's referring to the party, not to being adopted, right? I'm just wondering if she knows that she's adopted and just didn't remember being adopted.
Overall
I love how you've given Sassy a blank slate. She has a troubled past, but she has forgotten it all and truly moved on. You've opened the door to a world of stories. I can only imagine where you'll take Sassy and what adventures and trials she'll encounter.
This is a well written story. Your details and execution are good. I didn't notice any errors. You weave the story to where we're rooting for the "bad" guy.
Suggestions
None.
Overall
I like how you left the ending open. The last line is very final, but there are questions left unanswered about the consequences of the action of the last line. Great job!
Hello! I am reviewing your work from the RAOK reading list as part of my participation in The Mod Blitz.
This is a lovely piece. I love the sentiment and ideas you present. You present the scene well. I love the dialog. The piece flows well, and your rhymes are good. Weeds have definitely learned what it takes to survive and thrive in this world. You have turned it into a wonderful compliment. Great job!
Keep writing!!!
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Hello! I am reviewing your work from the RAOK reading list as part of my participation in The Mod Blitz.
This is a great piece. You have captured the scene wonderfully. Your descriptions and details of the different people and contingencies are fantastic. I can imagine each person sitting there.
In the fifth stanza, I think you might consider adding "a" before "T-shirt." To me, it doesn't sound right to say "wearing T-shirt."
I love how you have pointed out the equalizing nature of health care. Regardless of how much money you have, you still have some waiting to do. Great job!
Keep writing!!!
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This is a lovely piece! It flows extremely well. Your rhymes are wonderful and natural. Sometimes rhymes can feel forced or just stick out a little. These fit in perfectly with the rest of the piece.
Suggestions
In the last stanza, should "tears" be possessive? I read it as the "cares" belong to the "tears."
Overall
Your word choices are inspired. The descriptions are fantastic. The lack of punctuation and capitalization really work in this piece. It has a wonderful transcendental feel to it. Excellent job!
This is an interesting piece. Thank you for introducing me to the Dorsimbra. Your explanation of the form is most appreciated. You've followed the form well. You might consider the addition of a little more punctuation. You have one period in stanza three, but stanzas one and two go without. Personally, I think it would be best to be consistent with punctuation. All or nothing. This is just my personal opinion. Your descriptions of the event are fantastic. Great job!
This is really something. You've hit an intriguing philosophical chord. I love the analogy. The reiteration of "Whack" is wonderful. Your descriptions are fantastic. The piece flows well. You're absolutely right. Sometimes the only way to move forward is to completely break from the past and build something new. Great job!
This is a fantastic piece. You've captured what it is like to have a migraine perfectly. I can really relate to this piece. I love the layout and the shortness of the lines. It feels the way I feel when I have a migraine. The piece flows well, and the descriptions are perfect. Excellent job!
Keep writing!!!
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