This is a great conversation! I don't miss the exposition at all. You cover the scene wonderfully with just the dialog. I love the back and forth of it, especially considering who she is talking with. The dialog feels very natural. The ending is fantastic. Great job!
This piece has a sweet, melancholy tone to it that I enjoy. I'm not quite sure why you have chosen to display the echo the way you have. For me, it detracts a little from the piece. I wonder if I'm reading it the way I'm supposed to, or if I'm missing something you had intended that I see.
Your descriptions are good. The words you have chosen bring the piece to life. You might consider reviewing your comma use. I don't believe that each line needs a comma. Some of the commas break the flow a little bit for me. I wonder which is the main thought and which are the asides. Let me regroup a little. I think I understand now that the commas are meant as an aside for the echo. Looking at the piece, I lost the echo for a moment. So, the commas are fine. In the second stanza, I've lost the subject of the phrase. What is reverberating?
In your brief description, you define the piece as a "double echo poem." Does this follow a specific form or something you created? I'm unfamiliar with the "double echo" as a form (versus a description of the echo you employed). The flow of the piece is lovely. I have a great feel of space when I read this. Good job!
You have some great, inexpensive ideas for Halloween. I love the idea for grocery bag ghosts. In the end, I thought you were going somewhere else when you said "treats." I was expecting ghost suckers or something like that.
In the second paragraph, halfway through, "bad" should be "bag." (I love the "Ghosts don't have handles as a rule." Fantastic! The first word of the fourth paragraph should be "Now" instead of "No." Also in this paragraph, "Hope Depot" should be "Home Depot."
You have some great ideas for Halloween decorations. You present your ideas in an easy to follow manner. Now, with your help, anyone can have some spooky Halloween decorations for their home. Good job!
The is a fun, spooky Halloween poem. The piece flows extremely well. I was unable to find a syllabics pattern, but it is close. Your rhymes are good. I love the descriptions that you use. You weave a spell with your words and pull me into a night full of scary creatures. I love the ending. Great job!
This is a fantastic quiz that every member should take. It covers the "Guidelines To Great Reviewing" really well. I think a couple of the options make finding the correct answer a little too easy (key characteristics for instance-I hope that no one got the wrong answer to that question). Furthermore, I think that the review tool should be called "The Reviewinator!" Great quiz!
This is a terrific piece! I love the story you have woven. You don't see many epic poems anymore (that's what I would call it-an epic poem). It flows very well, and your rhymes are great.
I like how you only have opening and ending quotes at the extremes of the dialog, rather than opening at the start of every new line. I think you could do this in the fourth stanza as well. It would also make it consist in application.
This poem is a great story, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Excellent job!
This is a fun piece. I can absolutely relate! Only thing worse than frogs, is a lonely cricket outside your window. I love the comparison between frogs and waves. I think the second comma in the first line of the last stanza should be a semi-colon. You've really caught the scene perfectly. I think you've been spying on me! The piece flows well and your rhymes are great. Excellent job!
This is a really fun piece! I love how you have woven two sides of the story together. The different colors work extremely well to set them apart. In stanza four, you have quotes in "I'm" instead of an apostrophe. The piece flows well and your rhymes are great. The last stanza is different. But I like how it ends the scene. Great job!
This is a lovely piece. I love the imagery you use in the first stanza. I can see the wonderful summer days full of fun. The second stanza seems a little rushed. I feel like it ends too soon. In the last line, "your" should be "you." The piece flows well and your rhymes are nice. Personally, I think a little punctuation would help the piece and make it stronger. This is a nice tribute to youth and your brother. Good job.
This is a nice simple piece. Your rhymes are excellent. The syllabics pattern you have set up is followed through well and enhances the flow of the piece. In the second line, I feel like something is missing with "the while/ with twinkles." Personally, I would like some additional descriptions.
I find the line They seem so far away funny, because they are so far away. I think I know what you mean though. I think a lot of people would like to visit other stars or just be closer to them. I'd be happy to take another look at this and re-review if you make any changes.
I love the sentiment in this piece. It's a beautiful proposal. Your rhymes are spot on. Suggestions
There are a few spots that are a little tricky. What can I say or should I possibly do/Would prove to you I'm in love with you When you read the lines together, there's something missing. At the very least, I would say you need to add "that" before "would."
Overall, I think punctuation would greatly help the piece. There are places that could use an additional pause. Also, it would help separate your thoughts.
In the third stanza, "apart" should be two words. I know that you mean she will always be a part of you, but it sounds like she will be distanced from something or someone (you?). It might be easier to reword it to say that the two of you will never be apart, rather than trying to reword it to express that she will always be a part of you. In the next stanza, "covey" should be "convey."
Overall
It's a beautiful piece. The sentiment and feelings are clear. It could use a little tidying up, and I would be more than happy to take another look and re-review if you make changes.
These are interesting thoughts that you bring forward. The rhymes you employ lend a nice feeling to the piece. Your syllabics are good, but line two is 5 syllables where the rest of the first stanza is 4.
I feel a disconnect between the first part and the second. I'm not sure how you get from forgetting much of what you've learned to There's nothing new under the sun... I feel like you left something out in the asterisks. I think that if you elaborated the piece and connected the sections, it would make the connection between the last lines of the two sections stronger. Also, in How much I forgot?, if you want to keep this question separate from the previous, I think it might be better if you added "have" or changed "I" to "I've."
I feel like there is so much that you could do with this piece. It's simply and fairly straightforward. It is amazing how much we forget the more we learn. We can never ever learn enough. One last quick thought. When we realize we forgot something, generally it means that we've remembered it. Just a little food for thought. I'd be more than happy to come back and read this again if you develop it further or make any changes.
I never thought about worrying in that way before! As I think about it, you're absolutely right. It does seem that whatever we worry about never happens.
Personally, I would like some additional punctuation in the piece. It feels like one long run on sentence to me. I think it might flow better with some extra direction. This is just my personal opinion though.
I love how you connect worrying to saving the world. It's a great idea. I think this is every worrywart's mantra. Good job!
This is a very quick and intriguing piece. You've displayed the scene well with such few words.
Comments
In the fifth paragraph, she "stood to meet his height," yet I don't remember her sitting down in the first place. You might want to take a quick look through and see exactly how she moves down the bus.
I appreciate how you have indented the beginning of each paragraph. You might consider, however, adding an additional line in between each paragraph. It would do more help to break the piece up.
Also, the second to last paragraph ends with a comma. Either the next paragraph should be brought up to the end of this paragraph; or you can move the prepositional phrase "In his embrace," down to begin the next paragraph.
I'm left a little confused. I'm wondering if it was all a dream or if it really happened. When she woke up, was she at home in her bed or in some strange place. She wasn't still on the bus was she? Or, are you using the image of "gleaming daylight" as an analogy for blinding pain?
Overall
There are a few things here and there that could benefit from some extra attention. You have a great foundation though. Vampire stories are very popular. I'd be happy to take another look and re-review the piece if you make changes
This is a free flowing piece that provokes though. Your rhymes are terrific. I love how you have taken bits of the first stanza and twisted them to end the piece. It really unifies the piece. I'm not sure why you have a dash between each stanza. It doesn't take anything away from the piece. I'm just curious what it means to you. Your descriptions are great. Good luck in the contest!
This is a lovely tribute to your friend. You've done an excellent job of turning her name into a beautiful poem. I like how you made the first letter bold. It really makes her name pop out of the piece.
Not being from Australia, I had to look up Golden Wattle. To be honest, at first, I thought maybe it was some sort of inside joke. I had no idea that it was the Floral Emblem of Australia. You might consider making a note of that at the end for people who don't as readily grab the online dictionary.
This is a beautiful piece. I think the words you've chosen to start each line with are well thought out and unique. It's deep and thoughtful. Great job!
How many times have I asked this question! I'm afraid we'll never have an answer. You cover the subject very well. I appreciate that you have covered each side. Many people think of hate and they go to the middle east and forget that everyone hates. I wonder how many people hate others simply because they believe the others hate them? The sad thing, as you pointed out, is that we don't seem to need a reason. I fear millenia of programming may be too hard to change. You sum up your message clearly and concisely in the last two lines of the piece. It really drives the piece home. Great job!
This is such a touching story; you've brought tears to my eyes! It's one of the most beautiful stories I've read. You relay everything simply. Your descriptions are terrific.
I just have one comment in regards to the last sentence of the seventh paragraph. The company I worked for at the time gave out frozen turkeys each Christmas and over 15 of those turkeys were given from our company alone! I think you may have meant to include a total from all companies here because you say "over 15 of those". I'm just wondering what "those" were. It seems like you skipped something here.
People like to forget about the homeless. I'm sure you've opened many eyes. Your relation of Thanksgiving was warm and festive. What happened at Christmas was extraordinary. Christmas really does bring the best out of people. Excellent job!
Love has been the subject of many a sonnet. I like your take on it. In my experience, Shakespearean sonnets are made up of fourteen lines each with ten syllables. You have the fourteen lines and the rhyme scheme has been well executed.
Your syllabics tend to wander a bit though. The first stanza is spot on. The second and fourth lines of the second stanza each have one too many syllables. The syllabics of your third stanza are 8/11/8/8. Also, your third stanza doesn't seem nearly as strong as the others. You've lost me a little bit with Saplings birthed seed no defeat. I'm afraid I don't quite grasp what you are trying to portray.
The language you use takes me back to English class. It reads like a true Shakespearean sonnet (excepting the stray in form). The fourth line of the piece is my favorite. It says so much. I think we can all relate to that feeling as well. The fourth line of the second stanza is exceptional as well. I'd be happy to take another look and re-review the piece if you make any alterations.
I like seeing the comparison between your original version and what you have turned it into. I much prefer the rewrite. You've executed the sonnet form very well. Your syllabics and rhymes are spot on. I love how it moves and flows. Personally, I love the rain and can relate to the feelings you express in regards to the rain. Your sonnet is beautiful. Great job!
This is a lovely, little piece. I like the form you have set up with a word followed by a description of the word. It paints a picture piece by piece.
I'm on the fence on whether a little punctuation might help the piece or not. On the first read through, I wanted to connect the piece together versus reading the second line as a description of the first. I'm inclined to think that some form of punctuation might help illustrate that idea. It works fine as it is, and, in the end, it's entirely up to you.
I really like the progression of the piece. The last two lines are my favorites. I can really relate to that feeling. Sometimes, I think I would like to dream forever. Great job!
This is a very interesting story. You kept me entertained and guessing what might come next. It's all very mysterious. The story seems straightforward, then a twist pops up and it goes in another direction.
I'm reminded a little bit of the movie "Double Jeopardy." There's a lot more you could do with this. I'd love to know exactly what is going on.
I love the clock theme that weaves in and out of the piece. I especially like how it brings the piece full circle. In your first sentence, I think that semi-colon should be a comma since you use "and." Your details and descriptions are great. The ending is fantastic. Great job!
What a terrific story! You hid the bets very well. I had no idea what they were betting until the last line. It was a great surprise! That last line really topped it all off and was the best part of the story. What a terrific punch line. Very funny! All your descriptions are fantastic; I felt like I was there watching the race. Great job!
This is a lovely piece. I can really relate to the sentiment contained within. The piece flows well and you stay true to your rhyme scheme; your rhymes are well done. I think, for this piece, some additional punctuation might benefit the piece.
For instance, in the first stanza, at first I thought the second line was a continuation of the first line. Reading on, I feel the second line is the beginning of a new thought that leads to the third line.
I love your descriptions in this piece. You lend a tangible image to feelings and ideas that are anything but tangible. Great job!
This is a great dark piece. Quick question, is "Where evil dwells" the weekly prompt for the contest? Just curious.
In the second line, I'm not sure why you are contrasting with "but." I think that it would read better if you used "and" instead of "but." Also, in the second line of the second stanza, I think it should be present tense of "pierces" rather than "piercing."
The piece flows well and your rhyme scheme and rhymes are good. I like how you end the piece with the first stanza. It's a nice touch that makes the piece feel cyclical. Good job!
Keep writing!!!
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