|Dear Elizjohn ,
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Please note these are my thoughts and you can choose to use them or not.
Well done in creating chaos in the Universe!
A fast paced poem in terms of all the numerous events taking place.You've managed to take the complexity that is the Universe and nibble on a few parts that make up the whole, and then bring it all to our attention. Not an easy task.I believe you've achieved this in an absolute superb manner. BRAVO!
I love the title. It's strong, melodic and pulls the reader in. I would suggest to try and include it into your piece.
The tone is, to me, both of excitement and revelation. The dictation is strong in bringing this to the reader's attention. Exciting events unfolding one after another and revealing the multitude of elements entwining with each other. It is as though we're witnessing an orchestra play drums and then violins and then drums. The emotional rollercoaster is portrayed beautifully by your choice of words.WELL DONE!
You toy with our senses here by using words such as explosions, crash, scorches. All great indicators to bring the reader into the story of the poem. I only suggest a change to line 17 you wrote: "the sun burns and scorches and warms," for me this all sounds like different ways to say it is extremely hot. Perhaps rephrasing is in order on this line.
The flow is good, I think this a perfect flow for the message you are trying to relay to your readers. Although look at your sentences. Avoid lazy words : like, very, that, just, unless absolutely necessary for your piece. You also use adverbs, try and avoid these in poetry. It slows your creative writing down.
"explosions birth new planets
and supernovas kill old stars."
There is repetition in line 17 of the word and. In line 19 and 20 the repetition of the words while the and in line 21 and 22 those two, slows the flow of the poem. A part from these minor matters your peom flows.
In a second version cutting or substituting the lazy words.Space your poem out for a better read. This will make your poem more presentable. All in all, keep it because this is a beautiful poem. Try also to add your title in there, in an alternative version. ALL IN ALL, I LOVE IT!
Look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
All the best,
Natechia dos Reis