I'm a newbie at poetry, so my comments might not carry much weight; but I still hope that they help.
This poem is so philosophical. One can take out infinite number of observations from it. The scenery is also very strong. I like it.
One thing that I noticed was that it's a bit rough on the tongue. It doesn't let the reader build-up a flow. It could become a master-piece, if you work on this a bit, in my opinion.
I really liked this story. Now, this is fantasy, really. The terrain and the set-up reminded me of 'The Hobbit', in a way. And the town just sounded so...dreamy. I could almost see it all happen in front of my eyes. This deserves an applause, no kidding!
And the part about the man being able to fly. Well, humans are so full of surprises and talents that someone might one day actually fly. The part about flying can also be seen in a profound, philosophical way. The idea certainly hit me.
I hope that you're doing fine. I'm a beginner at poetry myself, so my comments may not mean much, but I'll still give them, assuming that they might help.
I can relate to this. Exercise certainly seems to be burdensome at times, even if you aren't under any compulsion to do it; but hey, there is no free lunch now, is there?
Now, there were a few technical oversights that I observed (Again, I have no master in poetry. I'm just a beginner):
1) The sixth line might sound better if you like it as, "For my heart, you are heaven sent!". I just think that it might go well with the syllable count of the previous line.
2) Partake and great don't rhyme, in my opinion.
3)Wave and engage don't rhyme either.
4) "And greatest wonder: my heartbeat’s strong!"
This line is detrimental to the flow of the poem. Please take a look at it.
Nothing needs to be said about this, it's THAT good. I'll just say that humans don't need any zombies to destroy the earth. We're capable of doing that on our own, sadly. I read the first paragraph and thought: This is not for the future, this is about what's happening now.
And you said that this is not very good...huh? Considering the word limit, this is very good. You built up a very engaging story. When I read the prompt, I thought that you'd write how the character would be denied because the ex wasn't interested. But this is the complete opposite and more interesting. All this lacks is some drama and emotions and scenery, but I can understand that it's because of the word limit.
You really can write romance. Dig deep! You'll find more interesting ideas, trust me :)
The imagery is so strong on this one. If you've experienced times like this, I'm...envious of you to say the least. Our generation will, probably, never see such beautiful natural scenes. Beautifully written!
I do have one observation though. Considering the flow of the poem, the words field and real don't really rhyme. The words trees and breeze aren't rhyming either.
I agree the idea, but the content can be improved. There are a few grammatical errors, too.
I don't get how her future could be ruined if they got together. Shed some light on how they met, what was the man like, how he helped her and other details of their relationship.
This is just my opinion though. You're the author and you're the only one who knows what you want to say.
A very informative article. I just wish that no one has to see such times.
I have a few observations though:
The sentence: "If a person ever has such an experience, there are some things which the healthy spouse can do to look after and help the spouse who is suffering from cancer." is a bit ambiguous. Change it a bit, if you like.
You've written, "...both the spouses". You should replace it with a word like couple or partners.
You should increase the use of commas in your sentences, a bit. Some of your sentences would sound much better if you add some commas in them.
A very strong message. Time really does fly by in the good times and what better time can a mother have than when her child is growing up. Beautifully written!
This story reminded me of Hozier and his songs. Have you listened to any of them? If you haven't, you should. This story can be described as a central idea for a few of his songs. Such tensions in relationships reduces them to just...a word, nothing more. I like this!
I'm no Grammar Nazi, but "I chewed a strain of white-blonde hair, probably going white right now. Silence." appears grammatically incorrect to me. I might be wrong, my grammar isn't perfect either. Do take a look at it.
A good chapter. It was an interesting read, although it wasn't as good as the first and second. I do have a question though:
Why didn't the mouse go through the mirror himself? Why did he require Deal's assistance?
Overall, it was very good. Looking forward to reading the fifth :)
This is a very informative piece for someone who doesn't know a lot about fiction writing, like me. It is like a complete step-by-step tutorial. I've learned so much about scene description from this piece.
There were one or two errors that I came across, though:
You've written, "I felt the sun warm on my face and body." This phrase sounds wrong to me. Please take a look at this, or pay no heed if I misunderstood what you were trying to say.
In the second line of Dramatize, there's a typo. You've written, "...I felt the sun’s [u}hug." Take a look at this too.
Thank you for writing such an informative piece for newbies like me :)
This chapter, although good, kinda didn't live up to what I was expecting. Chapters 1 and 2 made me tie very high expectations with this third one, but it sounded a bit like a drag. The story was very good, but just not what I was expecting.
It's just my opinion. I'll surely check out the fourth chapter too.
I like this chapter. My expectations after reading the first one were extremely high, and this certainly did not disappoint.
This chapter felt like a bit of a drag in the middle (just a bit), but soon my interest was revived, as soon as the conversation between Deal and Piebald started. It was so profound, I loved it!
This first chapter of this book is so interesting that it actually makes me want to read what happens next! The imagery is very strong. An almost perfect first chapter for any fiction. I love it, and I've learned from it.
This chapter has left me with so many unanswered questions. I'll surely get back to you :)
Such a phrase in the first sentence is surely enough to spark interest in a reader like me. I wish more authors would make beginnings of their novels, as interesting as yours. The plot is good, and there are so many unanswered questions in my mind after reading this chapter. I've only read chapters 1 and 2 until now, but I'm already loving this!
You must have spent a long time thinking this through. I've read the first two chapters, and I can say that this is very interesting. The first chapter accounts for a very interesting beginning and the second chapter continues with the flow. I really liked the second chapter's. You can be sure that I'll read more chapters of this.
Wow, 228 chapters. I've only been on wdc for about a week, and this is only the third interactive story I've seen. It is, certainly, the longest. I'll most certainly make an addition to this after I read this completely. But my first impression of this, after reading a bit of weight gain theme, is that this is awesome :) Will surely make a contribution to this, shortly.
This is my first experience of writing in an interactive story. I have to say, reading this was a hell lot of fun. I tried to contribute and take the story forward the best I could. I'm dying to see how my colleagues take this story forward and ultimately end it.
I'll certainly look up more interactive stories on wdc after this experience.
I world is, indeed, full of thoughts. Pythagoras, to an extent, rightfully said that this world is made up of harmonic thoughts and ratios.
But these thoughts can, indeed, be a bit too much to bear at times. They don't even let you sleep. At times, one thinks that he might be better off without them. But neither would we be better off without them, nor is there any escaping from them. So, we might as well enjoy them :)
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.49 seconds at 9:50am on Apr 20, 2024 via server web1.
| (4.5)
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "