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Hi,
I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!
First Impression:
This is the story of a woman, Ms. Bear, who's stuck in all sorts of troubles imaginable. All of her troubles, in my opinion, are of her own making.
What I Liked the Most:
The casualty of the piece, to be honest. Plus, there are questions that the reader finds himself wondering about, which sets up a good platform for the rest of the chapters. Questions like: What money is she talking about? What will happen in the jail? Who's the ghost, as mentioned in the genre? And similar stuff.
What Can be Improved:
I spotted a grammatical oversight:
"... I wanted him to be able to do the things he used to do."
This piece, definitely, could use a better usage of comma. For example:
" I loved him, even though I guess it didn't look that way."
It would sound much better, if placed commas before and after I guess. And yes, there are multiple instances of such errors.
You haven't closed off the inverted commas in this one:
"Look," I said to him, "I almost got arrested for speeding, at least you could look slightly ill."
Also, you've carried out an entire conversation between Ms Bear and the cop in the same paragraph. According to my limited knowledge, you're supposed to change paragraphs every time a new speaker starts a dialogue. I'd advise you to look into it!
I had a thought about this line:
"Look, I am in a really big hurry. I have a client that is about to expire, and if I don't get to the hospital in time, I won't get my money."
Wouldn't she have been better served if she had just stated the ACTUAL reason? Cops have hearts too, you know!
What I'll Remember:
" I loved him, even though, I guess, it didn't look that way."
Peace! |