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26
26
Review by Naveed
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (3.0)
A Review for "The Iron Bank of Braavos


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Hi,

I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!


First Impression:

It's a fanfiction write up about Yu-Gi-Oh, a popular anime. The piece begins from where chapter one concluded, as the protagonist wakes up, after being battered and bruised in the battle.

What I Liked the Most:

The thing I like the most about ALL fanfiction pieces is the thought that their writer must be so passionate about writing them.

What Can be Improved:

The thing that bugs the reader the most is the fact that this is written in the present tense. It feels real odd, you know, reading stuff like, "He has the migrane to prove it...". It might not be incorrect (I don't exactly know) but the fact of the matter is that most readers are used to reading, and comfortable in, reading stuff that's written in the past tense. So, writings that are written in present tense, completely, just hit them by surprise and feel...odd.

Writing flashbacks as you've done is not...formal I feel. They can be expressed in a better and much more interesting manner.

What I'll Remember:

The passion that you have for the show is surreal. Being a fanatic of DragonBall, I can understand the passion you must put into your writing!

Peace!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
27
27
Review by Naveed
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (3.0)
A Review for "The Iron Bank of Braavos


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Hi,

I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!


First Impression:

It's a fanfiction write up about Yu-Gi-Oh, a popular anime.

What I Liked the Most:

The thing I like the most about ALL fanfiction pieces is the thought that their writer must be so passionate about writing them.

What Can be Improved:

You missed putting in quotation marks on the first dialogue:

"Go,Flame Wingman! Skydive Scorcher!"

It's not a rule, I guess, but it'd be better if you'd given a line break after this first dialogue. It's a common practice (as far as I've seen) and looks good too.

You repeated it here, as well:
"Now for my favorite part you take damage equal to Cybertutu's attack points"

When you're writing dialogues, it's better to change lines whenever a new speaker is introduced.

There are multiple errors of quotation marks! This piece needs a rewrite, desperately. It's not polished!

Also you've written in the present tense. That's odd. It'd sound a lot better if it's written in the past. In the present tense, it's just...odd. I can't quite put my finger on what's wrong with it. Apologies!

What I'll Remember:

The passion that you have for the show is surreal. Being a fanatic of DragonBall, I can understand the passion you must put into your writing!

Peace!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
28
28
Review of Segment 7  
Review by Naveed
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A Review for "The Iron Bank of Braavos


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Hi,

I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!


First Impression:

This is it, the finale! "I Hook By Night - A Crochet Soap" was a wonderful series, to say the least. And the finale was, well, out of this world! It wasn't what I was expecting it to be, yet again! This just goes to show that it was a good mystery, or I'm just a bad reader and I know, for a fact, that I'm not!

What I Liked the Most:

I loved the ending! I love all such endings when the unthinkable happens and then you find out that it was all a dream. I've had dreams and nightmare--we all have. Reading such pieces makes me think back to such experiences when I woke up from such an experience, either elated or scared to death. Everything feels good when it reminds you of something, I guess.

What Can be Improved:

Nothing as such. This story has potential, no doubt. But another thing in which I have no doubt is that it needs to be polished, lengthened, built up on and made into a longer piece. It has the potential to be one.

What I'll Remember:

"The feelings and lights engulfed her, becoming so intense that she felt her body jerk.

Alicia was sitting up in her bed..."

Could it be any other?

It's a great series. I'm looking forward to reading more from you!

Peace!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
29
29
Review of Segment 6  
Review by Naveed
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A Review for "The Iron Bank of Braavos


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Hi,

I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!


First Impression:

This is a continuation of the series, "I Hook By Night - A Crochet Soap". The last chapter was very good so a build-up to a grand finish can be expected from this chapter.

What I Liked the Most:

These segments, at times, don't seen to be doing justice to the "mystery" genre at all, but then, there at the end of it all, there's a sentence that shrouds the reader in mystery. It's wonderful really!

What Can be Improved:

There were a couple of errors and grammatical oversights in this segment, but nothing that cannot be improved upon:

"I could do this all night," she thought.

"...he was delighted that he was going to be giving her something unusual."

Unusual sounds strange here. Consider replacing it with "special" or something along those lines, may be?

"...she wondered what wonderful gift he would discover for her birthday this year."

"Being several months away, she went back to thinking about her upcoming birthday."

This sentence is confusing. The first phrase is useless, anyways, for "upcoming" has got it covered.

"I wonder if he'll also plan a party this year, she wandered."

What I'll Remember:

How the last paragraph of all of your segments, almost, make it into a mystery, lol *Laugh*

Peace!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
30
30
Review of Segment 5  
Review by Naveed
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A Review for "The Iron Bank of Braavos


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Hi,

I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!


First Impression:

Yes, this is what I was talking about in the previous review! This should have been segment number four, mate. The segment four, as you've marked, added little to nothing to the story. It was like...umm...fat! Necessary but not worthy of having a separate chapter just for itself.

The story moved well. It was so warming to see the relationship between the teacher and the student. And I still have questions unanswered, which is good, no? I don't know but I have this feeling that everything's not as good as it seems. Something's up! I'd bet on Randy and Janice liking each other but, considering that I've been wrong once before, let's see how it goes *Laugh*

What I Liked the Most:

The relationship between the teacher and the student has been the highlight of the entire series, certainly. I was reminded of the fellowship of...well...Shams of Tabriz and Rumi, sort of. Teaching's the greatest profession ever for a reason! The fellowship that it offers is...surreal almost!

What Can be Improved:

No pointers from my side for this chapter! You rocked it!

What I'll Remember:

"'It will take me hours to go through all these!' he said, a smile engulfing his face."

Smiling in the face of work. This happens if you love your work!

Peace!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
31
31
Review of Segment 4  
Review by Naveed
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A Review for "The Iron Bank of Braavos


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Hi,

I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!


First Impression:

The story is the segment four of the series, "I Hook By Night - A Crochet Soap". Segment three ended at Janice and Alicia looking forward to meet each other. One would be led into expecting, in segment four, that the meeting will actually take place, but be surprised that it hasn't got around to that point yet.

Janice met Jefferson, her boss, for a lunch meeting. He liked her bag and asks her if she'd like to make one for his wife. She, happily, obliges.

What I Liked the Most:

The imagery is getting better by each segment. Descriptions of the scenery and people are getting more and more vivid now.

What Can be Improved:

I didn't really get the point of this chapter. It might be just me but I feel that it broke the flow, a bit. It could've been accommodated into the previous chapter or the next, as the only thing this added was that she had her first order for a purse, and that too came at the very end. The writing's good, but I don't know if it should be a separate chapter or not!

I spotted a spelling error also:

"...Janice could hear his receding footsteps down the hallway."

What I'll Remember:

"Janice's face was consumed with her smile as the approached to restaurant door."

Having gotten my first publication recently, I can relate so closely to this *Smile*

Peace!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
32
32
Review of Segment 3  
Review by Naveed
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A Review for "The Iron Bank of Braavos


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Hi,

I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!


First Impression:

Having read segment 1 and segment 2, already, I was actually looking forward to reading this. This story has got me hooked.

It's so inspiring to see Janice working on her dream, secretly. I can understand every bit of the effort she's putting in because I've been there, or still am...I don't know for certain.

I was wrong to assume a strange relationship between Janice and Alicia, lol. But that's what mysteries are all about, no? Taking guesses from the clues presented at what's going to turn up. No one really know for sure, ever! And the task of a capable writer is to prove a reader wrong, in my opinion, either by bringing up something out of the blue or stating something simple that's been there all along.

What I Liked the Most:

I really like the build-up of this story. It started off slow...too slow, but it picked up pace, fast! The imagery presented, especially, in this segment was better as well. This story's getting better as it progresses. That's the mark of a good story, no?

What Can be Improved:

Nothing specific. But still, a bit more attention to details wouldn't be bad. It might just be me, but I like seeing better than reading!

What I'll Remember:

"...Janice knew she had about 10 more minutes before Tom would call, wondering where she was."

Cracked me up!

Peace!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
33
33
Review of Segment 2  
Review by Naveed
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A Review for "The Iron Bank of Braavos


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Hi,

I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!


First Impression:

This is in continuation with the Segment 1 of the series. Janice met, a new character, Alicia in order to teach her crocheting. Wait? Are Janice's crocheting abilities that good? I thought she was just a part timer. Question...so many of them! Wonderful!

What I Liked the Most:

The story's picking up pace. Segment 1 started off slow but now it's picking up from here. However, the last paragraph of the first segment makes me wonder. It mentioned of Janice's interest in someone other from her husband. This when coupled with the fact that the crowd were talking over shoulders about the two women, points towards the obvious question: are they LGBT? The mystery's definitely picking up.

The writer has also created better and more vivid imagery here than in the previous segment. It contributes to an, overall, better experience for the reader. Great job!

What Can be Improved:

I have no suggestions regarding this piece which suggests how big of an improvement it has been.

What I'll Remember:

"The three shoppers whispered to each other as they walked on their way, glancing back over their shoulders at the two women."

This line makes the readers want to go on to the next chapter. I, really, wanna know why they were behaving this way. You added a similar line in the last segment, also. That's the mark of a wonderful writer!

Peace!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
34
34
Review by Naveed
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A Review for "The Iron Bank of Braavos


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Hi,

I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!


First Impression:

The story is a reaction to a prompt. It's about a woman travelling from Moscow (Russia) to Netherlands.

What I Liked the Most:

I loved how the story was able to get through so many different emotions in such short length. The scene of the teen staring at her made me uncomfortable, as I felt that the story was heading towards another one of those endings involving monsters, vampires and what not. But how wrong were my perceptions? This is the strength of this piece. It then transitioned to a bit of politics, which gave great insight into the times in which the story is set up. The knowledge made the readers, now, sympathize with the teen--the same whom they perceived to be a monster or thug just a few lines ago. The mystery and the swing of emotions were just surreal!

It is often thought that good mysteries are length. This story has dispelled that myth, not only for me but for whoever has read it. It's the kind you learn from!

What I'll Remember:

"The fullness of time has a way of dashing rumors and innuendo to shreds."

Oh how how truthful this line is? Not just in the context of this story but from the perspective of life as well. Time has a way of sorting everything out, including rumors.

Thank you for writing this!

Peace!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
35
35
Review of The Dress  
Review by Naveed
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
A Review for "The Iron Bank of Braavos


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Hi,

I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!


First Impression:

This is the story of a woman, Ms. Bear, who's stuck in all sorts of troubles imaginable. All of her troubles, in my opinion, are of her own making.

What I Liked the Most:

The casualty of the piece, to be honest. Plus, there are questions that the reader finds himself wondering about, which sets up a good platform for the rest of the chapters. Questions like: What money is she talking about? What will happen in the jail? Who's the ghost, as mentioned in the genre? And similar stuff.

What Can be Improved:

I spotted a grammatical oversight:
"... I wanted him to be able to do the things he used to do."

This piece, definitely, could use a better usage of comma. For example:
" I loved him, even though I guess it didn't look that way."
It would sound much better, if placed commas before and after I guess. And yes, there are multiple instances of such errors.

You haven't closed off the inverted commas in this one:
"Look," I said to him, "I almost got arrested for speeding, at least you could look slightly ill."

Also, you've carried out an entire conversation between Ms Bear and the cop in the same paragraph. According to my limited knowledge, you're supposed to change paragraphs every time a new speaker starts a dialogue. I'd advise you to look into it!

I had a thought about this line:
"Look, I am in a really big hurry. I have a client that is about to expire, and if I don't get to the hospital in time, I won't get my money."

Wouldn't she have been better served if she had just stated the ACTUAL reason? Cops have hearts too, you know!

What I'll Remember:

" I loved him, even though, I guess, it didn't look that way."

Peace!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
36
36
Review of Segment 1  
Review by Naveed
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A Review for "The Iron Bank of Braavos


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Hi,

I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!


First Impression:

This piece is the first segment of an entire series. It's about a woman (a wife and a mother) who has a passion for crocheting and has kept it a secret from her husband, considering the high expenses of the hobby. In the given scenario, she is working on a crochet for her grandmother, who is a Dutch by origin. She calls it "the afghan".

The story seemed to move on fast--too fast. There was a lot of potential for the creation of imagery here, but the writer chose otherwise.

What I Liked the Most:

I could relate to Rebecca's secret passion, personally, for I, too, am a secret writer. I could relate to the struggles she went through in attempts of keeping her secret...a secret!

What Can be Improved:

As this is the first segment of the story, it needs to hook the reader. I failed to hook me in to reading the rest of the series, sadly. I'd suggest adding imagery to this idea, that has potential to say the least. Show, not tell is the advice that I'll give.

"She must get back to her crochet project, an afghan..."

I'm not a grammar guru, but this sentence sounds odd. Rephrasing it to something like, "She needed to get back..." would sound better. I can't quite put my finger on the grammatical fallacy here. Apologies for that!

What I'll Remember:

"Tom had no idea of her unfaithful thoughts about her passion for another or the crochet dreams that filled her sleeping hours."

WHAT? She has passions for another? Now that's a hook. Too bad you had to wait till the last line to get hooked. Like I said, the story has great potential; it just needs a bit of polishing *Bigsmile*

Peace!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
37
37
Review of THE LEGACY  
Review by Naveed
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A Review for "The Iron Bank of Braavos


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Hi,

I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!


First Impression:

The title of the story is, rather, interesting. If you look at it from the perspective of getting published, fulfilling most writers' dreams that is, then you don't quite hear writer say stuff like, "Getting published is the legacy that I'm leaving behind" or that "It was my destiny!". But if you look at it from the perspective of eight and a half million dollars, then it seems to be coming together.

The story is about a bankrupt widow who has sold her manuscript for eight and a half million dollars. Pretty inspirational, if you ask me *Bigsmile*

What I Liked:

It was a perfect mystery, really. The thrill and suspense could be felt, and I couldn't quit reading without understanding the story about those dreams of eight and a half million dollars. Great job!

What Can be Improved:

I spotted a grammatical oversight:

"...I buried the quiet, conservative lawyer I had shared a quiet, conservative life with for twenty years,..."

The story could use a better set of title and description too, honestly. They don't go hand in hand. The legacy points towards money, while the "every writer's fantasy" part in the description doesn't necessarily have to point in the same direction.

What I'll Remember:

The combination of imagery, thrill, mystery with a touch of inspiration were...astounding! Great job!

Peace!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
38
38
Review by Naveed
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi,

I am a Muslim too and I was intrigued when I saw the title and description of your piece. After reading it entirely, almost twice, I have to thank you for writing this. This piece is well researched and all of the inferences are logical and inspiring, to say the least. You showed me the "other" side of what happened, and I thank you for that.

I'd love to read more from you on such matters. Please keep on writing *Smile*

Naveed!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
39
39
Review of Grey  
Review by Naveed
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

I hope that you're doing fine. My name is Naveed and I shall be reviewing this wonderful item of yours. Please bear in mind that these comments—whether good or bad—are the most honest and sincere words that I could muster up after reading your piece. They are not meant to offend in anyway, and I'm sure that you won't find them to be so *Smile*

First Impression:

The poet seems to be pointing towards the idea that humans—of all castes, colors, genders and religions—will be judged, no matter what they do, by none other than...humans. So, it's better to hide yourself in "grey" and walk around with a layer protecting you...the real you.

I like and agree with this idea!

What I Liked the Most:

The idea, undoubtedly. It was both philosophical and realistic at the same time. The possibilities explored are all real and experienced by people like you and I everyday.

I liked the casual tone of the poem as well. It went well with the idea at hand.

What Can be Improved:

While I liked the casual tone, an idea that has to be kept in mind is that no matter how casual one might wish to make it sound, poetry is still poetry, and its basic delicacies and principles need to be preserved. One such intricacy is flow. The poem lacked flow and never really got going. It's just my opinion though and I might be wrong, but if you do choose to consider it, then I'd advise that you join "The Poet's Place . The group has a lot of material on poetry and you'll find people there who know poetry MUCH better than I do *Bigsmile*

Also, you didn't use any punctuation, whatsoever. The use of punctuation, especially in such a piece, will serve the reader well. And it makes the piece go easy on the eyes as well, at least for me *Laugh*

What I'll Remember:

"So cover your skin
with grey paint
and grey clothes
and act grey
and be grey
because god forbid
you be human."

Peace,
Naveed!


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40
40
Review of Vanish  
Review by Naveed
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey, welcome to writing.com, mate. I hope that you have a wonderful time here and make long lasting friendships and bonds that may not only evolve you as a writer, but as a person as well *Smile*

Philosophers often call the teen years as the years that either make or break a person. However, I've found that this phase, much like life in general, first breaks and then remakes the person. I understand where you're coming from, for I was a teenager up until last year as well, so I can relate pretty closely to its challenges.

The only advice that I'd like to give you is: write. Whenever you feel something, write about. Write an article, story, poem or even a rant about whatever you're feeling until you can feel it no more. Writing is an effective therapy. I want you to write, write and write until you can't write anymore. And let me tell you where you can start off: convert this piece into a poem. It has everything necessary to be converted into a powerful piece.

And another thing: I know that it might not sound like much but people here are only a message away if you ever need them, including me. I've always found that opening up and venting in from of friends online is much easier than doing it in front of people from real life. The fear of judgement just goes out of the window, and you can be as open as you want about...everything.

Take care and all the best,
Naveed!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
41
41
Review by Naveed
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey Jody, How have you been? I shall be reviewing this gem of yours, fellow rising star *BigSmile*

First Impression:
The poem is about "friends" who leave us at the first sign of trouble. I, like everyone else, have seen such people from up close and, so, I can relate with this piece.

What I liked:
The last line was wonderful. It shows that the writer is not perfect either. They are just like the common masses and as likely to err as the rest of mankind. Too many times we see the writer being portrayed as a saint, but not here.

What can be improved:
Nothing much, to be honest. It's been written well. However, the second stanza felt a bit rough on the tongue when I read it out loud.

What I'll remember:

"But forgive them we must, for it’s our way
And when they need us, we too cannot stay"

Keep on writing! All the best!

Peace!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
42
42
Review by Naveed
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey, I'm Naveed and I shall be reviewing this gem of yours, fellow rising star *BigSmile*

Please bear in mind that these comments, although honest, are in no way 'the word'. They may be wrong.

First Impression:
Wonderful, funny, optimistic, lovely, poetic, lighthearted, enviable- I could go on. Funny, life lessons from a veteran. I love it *Laugh*

What I liked:
The poetic and witty highlighting of the world's problems was a very unique idea. The title was a good enough hook and the content didn't disappoint.

What can be improved:
But who shall be running them, we’ll that will have to be decided then...

I think that the we'll should be replaced with a well. A small typo, I guess.

Also, this piece, although great, is placed in the wrong genre for me. The first thing that I learned abut short stories was that they MUST have a plot. This piece didn't have one so it can't be called a short story, I think. I might be wrong. Take a look at it if you wish *Smile*

What I'll remember:
"And once married, always married"

"Sugar shall be banned except for those who medically need it. And you’ll be on death’s door before it’s proven that it’s medically necessary."

"As for truth and honesty…there shall be times when they aren’t needed."

"Those who love to learn will learn. Those who don’t, well, we’ll weed them out one way or another (like my brother)."

I could go on and on and on *Rolling*

Keep on writing! All the best!

Peace!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
43
43
Review by Naveed
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey, I'm Naveed and I shall be reviewing this gem of yours, fellow rising star *BigSmile*

Please bear in mind that these comments, although honest, are in no way 'the word'. They may be wrong.

First Impression:
'The adventures of Huckleberry Finn' is what comes to my mind whenever I read Twain's name. I'm struck with nostalgia.

What I liked:
I was supposed to work on this too, but I couldn't because of college and the hectic routine back then. This piece gave me such an awesome summary of the poem and has stirred my interest to read it.

What can be improved:
Nothing. You've pretty much gotten stuff spot-on.

What I'll remember:
The line to remember:
"It’s about facing storms in life and how the pilot man, the craftsman is the hero and not the captain who gives in at the very first drop of rain."

Keep on writing! All the best!

Peace!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
44
44
Review by Naveed
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey, I'm Naveed and I shall be reviewing this gem of yours, fellow rising star *BigSmile*

Please bear in mind that these comments, although honest, are in no way 'the word'. They may be wrong.

First Impression:
As soon as I started reading, I felt like I've seen this something. Then I remembered a nutcracker movie that I'd watched in my childhood. Made me feel nostalgic :)

What I liked:
I liked the simplicity it had. It could be understood by a child as well as sound interesting to an adult.

What can be improved:
You could work a bit on the flow. Poetry isn't my forte, but I felt it a bit rough on the tongue. It's just my opinion though.

What I'll remember:
The nostalgia, certainly!

Keep on writing! All the best!

Peace!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
45
45
Review by Naveed
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey, I'm Naveed and I shall be reviewing this gem of yours, fellow rising star *BigSmile*

Please bear in mind that these comments, although honest, are in no way 'the word'. They may be wrong.

First Impression:
Reading this took me back to my childhood, when I loved everything simple about the world. Too bad, we forget what it really means to be happy as we get hold. We search for happiness, as adults but forget that happiness can be found even in simple things.

What I liked:
The simplicity! I also liked the meter and flow of this piece. You've done well to maintain a flow with a tough abab rhyme scheme. Good job!

What can be improved:
The second stanza. I can't really pinpoint what's wrong there, but it doesn't feel as good on the tongue as the rest. A slight improvement might make it even better.

What I'll remember:

'"Please, Butterfly, come play with me,"
but it will always go.
I run up close to better see,
it flies around in show.'

This really got to me. I really liked this stanza. If looked at solely, it is open to so many interpretations.

Keep on writing! All the best!

Peace!

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46
46
Review by Naveed
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This a very innovative use of the prompt. I like it very much. We've all heard the cliche that 'looks can be deceiving', but this shows that voices can be deceiving too, lol.

There were a few grammatical oversights, but they were not too major.

Keep on writing!

Cheers :)


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47
47
Review of Battle of Wits  
Review by Naveed
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (3.0)
This poem seems to be about some friend, who helped you when no one did. Having such friends is a bliss!

But the thing that bugged me with this poetry was the flow. I could never really develop a flow. It just didn't create the feeling of a poem. I'd suggest that you should make some edits. One thing that I've learned about flow is that it helps when you have equal, or close to equal, syllables throughout a verse. I guess you should try it.

Cheers :)


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48
48
Review of HEART DEAD  
Review by Naveed
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello,

I really like the idea of this poem. Well done!

A problem with this is the flow. I had a hard time reading this piece, especially the beginning, with any flow. You should edit some lines, for example, "The agony descended like an avalanche upon my breast." is too detrimental, and it basically makes you read the next line from nothing.

Also, 'for ever' should be changed to forever.

I really liked it! Keep on writing!


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49
49
Review by Naveed
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like what you've written about brother. I love this topic so much, as you might have guessed from my poem that you kindly reviewed. Thank you for giving a whole new perspective on it.

One thing that might need to be improved is the flow. There are a few lines which break the flow, but it does build-up later on. It's not rough, but can be looked at.

Cheers :)


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50
50
Review of The Rose  
Review by Naveed
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello,

I'll be reviewing your work. Everything I say will be my opinion, and CAN be wrong.

There was a grammatical error. ...every petal and every vein in them WAS boasting...

Secondly, the piece seemed to lack a plot. She was different? Okay, we get it. You should build up on how she was different; build-up a character and show us why she saw herself in the rose.

I hope that I helped.

Cheers :)


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