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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/nebosite
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25 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Little Lights  
Review by Eric Jorgensen
Rated: E | (3.5)
this felt lovely to read and had a hopeful ending that I enjoyed.

Placed should be "places"

Love, nebosite
2
2
Review of THE DATING GAME  
Review by Eric Jorgensen
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow, that was perfect. I normally have plenty of comments in my reviews about things to possibly fix, but I think yoy nailed this one. There is a full story arc here with a satisfying resolution and back story. I was pulled in by your descriptive language and your explanations of your thoughts and emotions. Thank you for this fun and interesting story.

Love, nebosite
3
3
Review by Eric Jorgensen
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
the story kept me interested all the way through. I felt like I was actually getting to see a bit of history through you storytelling, which os very enjoyable to me. I feel like I have learned something by reading your prose.



I think the question of what would happen after absorbing another person's memories is an interesting one to explore. In spite of the suprise metamophisis into demons I felt cheated by the ending because the main character appeared untouched by the amazing gift of number one's memories. There was no realization, no character development. The story had been building up to a fight and that's exactly what I got.


Love,

Nebosite

4
4
Review of Why in the World?  
Review by Eric Jorgensen
Rated: E | (3.0)
I love meditations like this one, so it is already interesting to me. The Comfortable narration style made it easy to keep reading.

"So, um" indicates hesitation to me, which Feels counter to the sentence before about not beating around the bush. I would have the character just ask straight out.

For me, there was an uncomfortable gap of information between God saying why he created the universe and your internal realization. I did not immediately grasp that sharing was the point. I wish there were a few more sentences or a paragraph to bridge my thoughts to your realization. Maybe dig into some signs of God enjoying the experience of watching you enjoy the canteloup. This would make it easier for you to mirror the enjoyment in your own experience and make the story more satisfying. The other thing this would add is a little suspense while I wait for the answer.

Overall, Nice work. I enjoyed it and you gave me something to think about.
5
5
Review of The Storyteller  
Review by Eric Jorgensen
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was awesome, such a great metaphore which I can relate to. I also enjoyed the tension between creative greatness and the esucational system.

I felt my mind stumbling over the parenthesis in the last sentence. What if the last sentence were this instead:

Which would lead a demon teacher to sentence him to the principals lair.
6
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Review of Destiny's Child  
Review by Eric Jorgensen
Rated: E | (3.0)
An idea you present here that hooked me was the idea of real intellince as a separate race that works in concert with humans. This is a rare viewpoint and im interested to know what the future story spin out of that.

The flash back was used pretty well and made me read more closely to understand what was going on.

One way to smoothly introduce abbreviations and acronyms is to first state the full name and put the abbreviation in parenthesis. For example:

They were both saved by athena, project destiny's real intelligence (R.I.)

Great stuff! write like a maniac!
7
7
Review of First Kiss  
Review by Eric Jorgensen
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a sweet poem. I think you captured the moment beautifully, conveying the innocence of the thought and feeling. I could tell how both characters felt, which is nice.

You kept up the rhyme and rhythm perfectly- this enabled me to move smoothly through the poem and focus on the intent and language rather that the structure and grammar.

The picture is a great touch.

Nice work!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review by Eric Jorgensen
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Caitlin, this is going to sound harsh, but bear with me here because I think you have some great ideas and there are some simple things you can do to flush them out.

What you have wriiten here is not really a story so much as a description of a story. one reason for this is that much of the information here is presented as stated facts instead of a narrative where the read figures it out. For example, kormina is presented as "a beatiful person". you express this in a storylike way further down when you actually describe her beauty. There is no need to state she is beautful when you cab describe it. Descriptions draw in the reader.

Another thing that makes this feel like a plot description is the massive number of characters and interactions in such a short space. The good news is that there is enough material here for a novel if you expanded it into a proper narrative. :)

here's an exercise that might help: pick just two of the characters and write a short story about an interaction between them. Focus on describing details, events, and the feelings of the characters. Avoid stating facts and let the reader figure out the truth from reading what happened. limiting yourself in this way is helpful for slowing down the plot ideas and producing a narrative that is enjoyable to follow.

Keep going! You have the writers spirit!
9
9
Review of Nude  
Review by Eric Jorgensen
Rated: E | (3.5)
Starting with the single syllable Rhyming lines is a great device to ease the reader into the flow and cadence of this poem. I also enjoyed the visual arrangement of the lines, the edges curvy instead of jagged, evoking the thought of a nude body.

The poem spoke to my own feelings and experience and I followed it until it started to talk about the world. I felt like that part was a different poem.

Nice work, keep writing!
10
10
Review by Eric Jorgensen
Rated: E | (2.0)
This feels like the writing that comes out just before the first draft- like the raw marble slab that gets chiseled down into a david or a pieta.

There are many great hooks and ideas here, yet as a reader I felt lost without solid structure to guide me. You can think of structure - the paragraphs, sentance order, punctuation - as an important invisible character in your writing.

Your heart is definitely in this. I believe with a few more drafts you would hit the reader with the full power you intended.

11
11
Review by Eric Jorgensen
Rated: E | (4.0)
You kept me wondering where the story would go all the way to the end. The last line made it all worth it. I was reading it one way, and after reading the end, I needed to go back and read it again! :)

The reason I left off one star is that some words and phrases don't seem consistent with the character presented at the end. "Give it her best", "we're going to do this" and "determination" make me think that she really wants to change the battery, but it seems at the end this was never her intention. I wonder if there could be clearer, yet still subtle hints that she was intent on breaking the car? For instance, if she said "All right you hunk of junk, you don't scare me", then there is some ambiguity about whether she is talking about her car or her husband.

Overall, this was a wonderful story. It made me laugh!
12
12
Review by Eric Jorgensen
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
That is so hilarious! I was expecting something surreal, but this was even better. Thanks for sharing a little window into your life.

Something to try- in the paragraph that begins with "He couldn't even consider..." try rewriting the paragraph as a parallel narrative where you are illustrating the action as opposed to stating it. I think this will have a bigger payoff to the reader and fit better with the narrative style of the earlier paragraphs.

The middle paragraph that starts out "To be fair..." could probably be dropped without harming the story.

The final paragraph felt sweet and rewarding.
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