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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/neothehedgehog
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97 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I mostly review things from a story writer's perspective as well as a reader's. If you're looking for grammatical correction or spelling that's not quite my strong suit but I'll try.
I'm good at...
Suggestions. I can give options for changing up the story in a way that might make it more exciting at the cost of being a bit more adult.
Favorite Genres
Action/Adventure, Sci-Fi, Fantasy
Least Favorite Genres
biographical anything & nonfiction
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Cry For a Soldier  
Review by Black Bear (Neo)
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
First Thoughts: I could imagine this piece set to a piano solo.

Review: Well done, friend! The tone is dramatic and the flow was smooth and focused, I hardly caught myself on any one word for too long. The emotion expressed here is very specific, the love for those who are long away and far gone. Like a well-written memorial/tribute piece should be!Nothing wrong with the grammar or spelling from what I can tell.

Some Notes: Although nearly perfect, I do have some suggestions for your work to add emphasis and flair should you want the advice.

-Extend it just a little and add a few more words, fancier words, stuff you find in a thesaurus.
-Colors, font size, and font style will put the extra finesse on this, especially with pieces like this.
-A subtle picture done in the sentences can add some character to the look as well as the reading if you can manage it.

Take what I've mentioned or leave it, It's up to you my friend. I hope I offered some useful advice and until we meet again, Ciao!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of I Remember You  
Review by Black Bear (Neo)
Rated: E | (4.5)
1st Thoughts: Such a wonderful expression of emotion!

Review: This was a very enjoyable read. The tone and setting are all very mellow, yet in that lies the bittersweet sting which you handled well. Grammar and spelling are spots on from what I can tell and as a poem, it flows nicely too. It's got a somber rhythm to go with the tone of death. I was a bit confused, though. I didn't know whether you were talking about a car or a person, but, that also contributes to the tone, a sort of mystical quality, if you will. THe car was very much a person in its own right or a person was like a machine yet human still.

Take that as you will, I also recommend a larger word vocabulary, though as a poem this may be very difficult to do as you do have constraints. In any case, I'm glad to have stopped here and taken a look only to read it through. If your poems are this thought provoking all the time you might just have something here, but, don't just take my word for it. It's up to you if my opinion matters. Cheers!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of Creatures  
Review by Black Bear (Neo)
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
1st Thoughts: just wrote something like this, I wish I articulated as much.

Review: I think this does read better as song lyrics. I personally would rap everything but the chorus. Some word usage makes a difficult song so that's why I'd do rap instead but I understand if that's not your thing. I like the chorus especially. The word use is a subjective nitpick in a spotless piece. It flowed nicely once I gave it a thorough read and the lyrics are music worth at worst and Academy award winning at best.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review by Black Bear (Neo)
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I don't know how to change my signature. Help please.
5
5
Review by Black Bear (Neo)
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (3.5)
1st Thoughts: Wow, I didn't expect to find another fanfiction around here... Crash Bandicoot Muscle Growth? Why is Crash talking? Whoa... Some Sonic Unleashed type stuff going on.

Review: I like the idea, however, the execution, in my opinion, was a little cliche.

First off, Crash doesn't talk, but he does express his ideas in gibberish unless you refer to Skylanders Crash in which case he does and also doesn't. That's a personal nitpick from me. Second, I suggest a bit more description using similes and more expressive words to show Crash's transformation to a hulking muscle mountain. Flesh it out, keep everyone in character by doing a bit more research and this story is just fine.

Cheers!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review of Wings  
Review by Black Bear (Neo)
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (5.0)
1st Thoughts: This is encouraging to me, inspiring even.

Review: I love the airy tone and word usage. It's constant and rhythmic. It really speaks to the soul too. I hope this kind of work get's published somewhere, some people really need it. Cheers, Friend. Your work is spectacular


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review of Heart Break  
Review by Black Bear (Neo)
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
1st Thoughts: Heartbreak is a natural disaster and love is the cruel god that seeks them on others.

Review: When a poem speaks truth to me on a level far deeper than I expect, I can't help but find joy in it. Though a bit more spacing might have made it easier to read, the poem is dripping with emotion and that in and of itself is a triumph.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review by Black Bear (Neo)
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
1st Thoughts: Respect, real respect.

Review: I like this, it's a straightforward piece about the lack of respect some people have for those heroes of the last generation. The rhythm is solid and the tone is somber yet adventurous. Overall a well-made piece of literature.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review of Prologue  
Review by Black Bear (Neo)
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (5.0)
1st Thoughts: What a trip!

Review: Thanks for the recommendation to this other work of yours. Once I got engaged the idea both intrigued and terrified me. That's the well-placed tone and setting. Characters and their motivations were set up well and I think you could go much farther with this than a short story, though that's your choice, not mine. Cheers!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review by Black Bear (Neo)
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
1st Thoughts: The use of the word "I" is creative.

Review: I like this piece, it flows nicely once you get the hang of it and the word choice is very well made, however, I found the last section, before the second to last "I" confusing. Also, you may have spelled faux pas incorrectly, if I'm wrong, please correct me.

Over all a much-enjoyed piece.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review by Black Bear (Neo)
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
1st Thoughts: What a beautiful assembly of words in this piece.

Review: I see potential here, a lovely tone and a balanced blend of dark and enlightening energies. However, there is an error, that I can see, one in fact.

"but out of my reachs, untouchable..." I'm sure you meant "reach" or "reaches"

I hope to see more from you, Write On!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review of April Showers  
Review by Black Bear (Neo)
Rated: E | (4.5)
1st Thoughts: I like the rhythm, very sing-song and bouncy.

Review: I enjoyed the tone and imagery of this short poem, however, a grammar error does reside in the 5th line. You repeated "is".

"God is the is our sovereign Lord"

I suggest rewriting it as:

"God, He is our sovereign Lord"

Beyond that, this piece is flawless from what I can tell, great job!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review of Her  
Review by Black Bear (Neo)
Rated: E | (5.0)
1st Thoughts: Man. That hurt to read, hearing it in my head and feeling it in my chest.

Review: This is a well designed, well toned and enjoyable storem. My gripe is purely my own so don't be bothered with my bit of childish jealousy. I enjoyed the bittersweet feelings though I didn't like the aftertaste, so to speak. It does what a good poem should do, provoke emotion.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review by Black Bear (Neo)
Rated: E | (5.0)
1st Thoughts: Mmm, this food for thought is crunchy and delicious! Especially dipped in personal experience sauce.

Review. This was a much-appreciated paragraph. It's all functionally sound though I feel no particular tone or flow to it. As an archival piece, it does well and provokes thought well too.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review of Vanish  
Review by Black Bear (Neo)
Rated: E | (5.0)
1st Thoughts: Like thoughts given words, my leaking brain's contents seem to be not too uncommon.

Review: This pieces spoke to me on a deep level. From a place I rarely try to go, hiding behind medication and a false sense of hope. I thank you for this, it's just the kind of unhinged, darker than life writings that really is the mirror that everyone who suffers depression needs. Not much more I can really comment on so, again, thank you.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Review of The Tree  
Review by Black Bear (Neo)
Rated: E | (5.0)
1st Thoughts: I always love the "One who Waits" stories.

Review: This piece is filled to bursting with emotional tone. I sympathize with the lonely tree living its life in season. Word usage is great, the flow from scene to scene works well and as is in these pieces, it's short, sweet and to the point.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review by Black Bear (Neo)
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
1st Thoughts: A dark descent into true madness.

Review: this is an interesting piece, though I did get lost in the words. So many descriptions, so many words. This fact and the blocks of text are my only complaint. Your style is magnificent, managing to capture a character without much dialogue. I was engaged, despite the walls of text, but, others may not be so versed in reading. I admit that the word count scared me a bit, however, beyond that is an excellent story that has a grim yet truly psychological tone.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review of Accident  
Review by Black Bear (Neo)
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
1st Thoughts: In summary, the sky is pretty, but I'm f***ed up.

Review. The pacing is nice, I like the short form it's like an entree of reading rather than a 4-course meal. The tone is just right for the piece and though I think a space between the peaceful scene and the damage would make the piece better, you can take that advice with a grain of salt. Well done!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review by Black Bear (Neo)
Rated: E | (4.5)
1st Thoughts: It is quite an interesting read.

Review: I definitely believe there is a story to be told here. The tone is damp and murky, good for subject matter like this but you could go any way you want with it. I suggest expanding on it, but if you decide not to, that's up to you. My only complaint is that it's too short and I want more.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
Review of Marking Endings  
Review by Black Bear (Neo)
Rated: E | (5.0)
1st Thoughts: An Arrow? hmm, quite the shape choice.

Review: Ahh, the nostalgia of the holidays and times passed. This poem is such a delight. Though it has a brief tone it makes up for that in sheer strength I can feel it in my soul. Well done, friend!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
Review by Black Bear (Neo)
Rated: E | (5.0)
1st Thoughts: It's eerie that I read the whole thing like the Joker (Batman the animated series I think. I'm not a big fan of the comics) and ended with a cackling laugh.

Review: An excellent tribute to Clown Prince of Crime. As I mentioned the tone is creeping and eerie yet executed in such a fun way that I can't help but think of the voices. I love the colored words which are a lesser explored avenue to creating the atmosphere in writing. This obviously isn't your first rodeo.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
22
22
Review by Black Bear (Neo)
Rated: E | (4.5)
1st Thoughts: It read like a story you tell people in conversation but transitioned into a sort of cautionary tale for pet owners, ha ha!

Review: A fun little adventure with a bittersweet ending. I liked the cool, evening tone and the sort of nonchalant philosophical meditation. There was one error I could see:

"including the sliding glass door off the dining room." Should be "of"

Other than that you're all good!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
23
23
Review of Should I die?  
Review by Black Bear (Neo)
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
1st Thought: NO! Don't do it!

Review: I'm not going to review this the same as normal because I think you really need help. Please if you're feeling like life has no meaning know that if you need to be understood, I'm hearing for you. I know how it feels to be fat and always eating to fill the wounds life leaves you with. I know the pain of feeling misunderstood. Please respond, I don't want to see someone like me give up!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
24
24
Review of Rusty  
Review by Black Bear (Neo)
Rated: E | (3.0)
1st Thoughts: That was... interesting.

Review: It's an interesting read, don't get me wrong but, there's something fundamentally wrong here. I won't say specifically since I don't know what format you were going for but as far as the premise, it's good and has potential as a dark comedy story.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
25
25
Review by Black Bear (Neo)
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
1st Thoughts: One reason why time travel sucks. You might not return.

Review: I gotta say, I'm a sucker for time travel anything and this is a solid morsel to feed my hunger. The tone, while brief, was like riding a roller coaster that goes up once and drops for the rest of the ride. All technical specs are perfect for this piece, I've got no nitpicks to speak of. Bravo!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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