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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/nick133
Review Requests: ON
69 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Nick
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Good short story. Well written, with a nice twist at the end. What more could I ask for?
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Review of Up North!  
Review by Nick
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A review of Up North
Review by Spurs Of Wembley (36)
In affiliation with WDC Power Reviewers Group

Hi there
These are my opinions and nothing more.
This is your attempt at a novella and I must say its very easy to read and quite engaging.
I read all seven chapters and they flow seamlessly from one to the next.
Your ability to describe and evoke the sense of a much gentler age is excellent.
A couple of minor points, would a seven-year-old really be allowed to go unescorted on a long bus journey? How long was the summer break from school in those days? And why did Bruce not have to attend?
Apart from those minor points, I could imagine young people would really enjoy reading about the adventures of Bruce at his Gramma's and Granpa's cabin “up north” and I feel there’s plenty of scope for many more chapters.
Cheers for now,
Nick.
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Review of The Fog  
Review by Nick
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A review of :The Fog
A short story
Genre: Mystery
These are my views and nothing more.


Hi Chermoni.

I saw your review request about and thought I give it a go.

First of all I liked the sense of eeriness that your writing evoked it was perfect for the story.The theme “afraid of the fog” is a well trodden path for many books and films. However I felt you did it justice.

I thought that you put it in the wrong Genre category though. While it's certainly a mystery to everyone when the girl disappears it isn't a typical mystery story. I think it's probably a horror story. The reason I point this out is because people in general are attracted to specific genres and I would imagine that you want to attract a reader that is appreciative of your style of writing
.
I have a point to make about the perspective it's written in, you start off in the first person and then morph into a third person perspective halfway. I think you should try to be consistent throughout. As the girl disappears and can't continue telling the story you should start off in the third person. Lots of scary stories are told by a narrator, “Once upon a time many years ago down by the old creek,” sort of style. You can still use the great dialogue you've written. He said, she said, style.

In summary what you have is a nicely written short story that evokes a good sense of the eeriness of fog. Well done.

Cheers-Nick.
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Review by Nick
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
A review of: The Reviewer: murdered for a low rating!
Genre: Romance, Love, Relationship.
These are my opinions and nothing more.



I try to read stories without stopping or making notes just to get a sense of the piece. So, The Reviewer; murdered for a low rating, the title intrigued me and off I went. 3543 words later and no murder, but an enjoyable enough experience nonetheless.

I did on a few occasions have to fight the urge to go over some paragraphs as my friend “confusion” was tapping me on the shoulder and whispering “what did he mean there, What was that all about.” I resisted. So, my overall feeling at the end was that I'd just read a nice little tale with a few twists and turns, (always a good thing).

The reviewer in a nutshell. A man, slob, shy, nerd, reviewer, low self esteem meets a beautiful woman who has stolen his life story and written an alternative ending. As it's played out in real life it doesn't go exactly as she planned.

The points I missed. What was the relevance of two BPA bottles? At first I thought he was going to commit suicide, I think they're just plastic bottles possibly the coke bottles.

Did she steal a manuscript that he had written, or did she get all her information from the hidden cameras, that she had planted in the room that he rarely leaves?

Did he give her a low score for the review of his story? She changed his name but in truth he didn't really have much of a story anyway, Man lives like a pig in a room and types reviews. That sounds a bit familiar actually.

I thoroughly enjoyed your descriptions of grime and squalor. They were vivid and felt very real.

“The food splashed toilet water onto the seat, cistern, onto the plaster walls and into his face. 
The Reviewer hardly noticed as he knelt, with mouth hanging open, on the floor welcoming the icy cold tiles cooling his shins and bare feet. “ Great lines.



"What are you doing sneaking up like that behind my back? I could almost imagine you were here to kill me but...but I would feel most honoured for my end to come by your hand!"

This line doesn't sound like it comes from a tongue tied loner but a bit of a player “I would feel most honoured for my end to come by your hand.” And before you do it, how about a bit of dinner at a nice little bistro I know. However beautiful the intruder, my first questions would have been how the **** did you get in and what the **** do you want? Just a thought.


In summary you have a nicely written short story with some good descriptions. I found only a few minor anomalies that are probably more down to my inability to read things properly than your writing skill.

Thanks-Nick.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Bedtime  
Review by Nick
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
A review of Bedtime
A short story.
Genre: Horror/Scary.

These are my opinions and nothing more.

This is the story of an eight year old boy who is joined in his bedroom by an unworldly apparition.

The first question I always ask myself is, does the piece fit the category? You list it as Horror: Scary: Ghost: Experience. What you have certainly fits the bill. I did have to get past the thought that a child just wouldn't stay in that room after the first night. I think if it was me in there, you wouldn't have seen me for dust.

You write this as a historical account of events in a biographical style. This makes the thought that these events could have happened all the more real. Anything that has the possibility of truth is always more scary. You do however lose some of the shock value because obviously he survives with all his faculties in tact to tell his harrowing tale and we know this from the outset.

On balance you've done a great job of setting the scene and then building the tension. Your descriptions of the dark room and the sense of fear made for palpable reading. The story flows effortlessly and was a pleasure to read.

Cheers-Nick.

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Review of OUT AT SIXTY  
Review by Nick
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi there
You describe your experiences so vividly It can't have been easy "coming out" after so many years.
I think your tale is quite inspirational. i also read your autobiographical account of growing up in rural America with an alcoholic father and an acquiescent mother, it doesn't sound like you had it easy. What inspired me was that after everything your father was and did you still loved him.
I grew up in 60's and early 70's London and so learning about life in A far off country is truly fascinating
Your style of writing is easy to understand. I felt I could hear the sound of your voice telling me your story as I read the words.
Thanks for the pleasure-Nick


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Snapshots  
Review by Nick
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A review of: Snap Shots
Genre: Short story/ Dark
These are my opinions and nothing more
.
Hi Alice.

Well what have we here then. I've read your piece twice through now to try and get a good understanding of what it's all about. You do say that “ It is completely open to your interpretation.”

So this is my interpretation. A woman lost within her own thoughts is contemplating the possibilities of her life. Those brief fleeting thoughts the “snap shots” that flicker across the mind. The maybes and the what ifs.

So I've probably missed the point. But does that matter? A question I ask after reading anything is what was in it for me then ? My answer is that I felt I had just read a really good piece of writing. I was taken by the atmosphere you created, it was quite melancholic. Your writing is very poetic and thought provoking.

“Everything in my head is a mess; fragments of thought a jumble sale in my brain. I’m cold; physically and emotionally frozen. I used to cry. Every day I would cry, each tear bleeding another hour, another day trapped within these malevolent walls of despair and desire. Mourning the past and yet fearing the future. Now, when my eyes begin to sting no tears fall, or if they do I don’t think I can feel them anymore. My skin is too sore; my bones too weak to cope with my anguish.  My spirit, the spirit of the girl I used to be, begs for an escape. I release from reality, through the dark hole of my mind and, like sleep, I fall into the past... “

This is a great paragraph, really emotive. For me it sums up the feel of the whole piece. 

Did it matter that I missed the point? No I don't believe that is does if a person reads what is before him and feels he has gained from the experience then that is a job well done. So well done.

In summary what you have is a well crafted thought provoking piece of writing that was a pleasure to read.

Cheers-Nick
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Review of Unclean  
Review by Nick
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
A Review of:: Unclean
What would you give to have your innocence back?
by Chandler Harp
This is a short story in the genre of: Emotional.
These are my opinions and nothing more
.
A young lady sits in her bedroom staring at the rain. She has very low self esteem and thinks of herself as worthless.

Well what can I say, I just happened to be passing by your portfolio and I read that you like to be reviewed, but who you are is of no relevance. Well if you don't mind me saying, who and what you are is extremely relevant. Most people are born nosy, it's how our inquisitive minds have allowed us to evolve the way that we have. It's a little difficult giving an honest opinion about some ones work if you can't be sure of how that person is going to receive it. I may well not be quite as harsh if for instance I knew that the recipient of my caustic words were to be a fifteen year old child who is basically looking for a pat on the back.

Anyway I got a good sense of poor Nicol's desperation from your descriptions and I could quite well empathise with her plight, so well done with that. I'm assuming that the sentence......

“ For a reason she couldn't name if she wanted to, watching the rain pelt the trees enough to make them sway under the pressure makes her feel as if her own weight were less bone-crushing.”

…..goes to indicate that your protagonist was somewhat of a porker. I feel that's always a bit of a cop out, fat people must hate themselves, and lock themselves away. Well they can't all hate themselves because there's enough of them about.

She imagines herself smashing the window and not jumping out but hovering outside somehow levitating with the rain pelting her as it does the trees. Then she ascends above the clouds meets an angel and is anointed with copious amounts of holy water.

The scene is broken when Nicole is called to dinner by her mother. She finally reveals how unclean she thinks she is in the eyes of her mother, because she is turning from an innocent child into a not so innocent woman.

This is such a sad sorry little tale, I must say that you have managed to evoke all the right emotions in what is quite a short piece. So I say well done for that. I believe that you have achieved what you set out to do.

As I don't comment on technical stuff, grammar etc. I'm sorry if that's what you were looking for, but I can barely string as correct sentence together myself, so it would be somewhat remiss of me to comment on others.

Cheers-Nick
A dragon reading a book by candle light

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Review of The Fun House  
Review by Nick
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A review of : The Fun House
A short story, Genre: Horror/Scary

Kevin narrates the story of the night he and his two friends Johnny and Becky break into a disused and derelict fair ground. The problem being that only Kevin returned to tell the tale.

So I take it that Kevin now resides in hell.

As a horror story it sticks quite closely to a tried and trusted formula. For some reason people have a strangely illogical fear of clowns and such the like and your writing captures this and you build the tension well.

While I didn't feel that there was much of a fear factor built in for the reader I could most certainly feel Kevin's growing sense of desperation, as he blindly stumbles from one room to the next.

Your writing captures the eeriness of the place well and I suppose that as every horror story seems to take place to the backdrop of a thunder storm it makes it easier for the reader to imagine, as we've got the scene indelibly stamped in our heads from a thousand films.

As a short story it works well and resulted in an enjoyable read. So thank you for allowing me the pleasure.

Cheers-Nick. A dragon reading a book by candle light
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Review by Nick
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A review of:
Giant Snake Holds Community Hostage
Genre: Biographical


Hi Lesley.
Your story about Big Mama being stolen was absolutely intriguing. Life in Nash County North Carolina seems like a million miles away from life in London England. I think that if people here had thought that a giant man eating python was on the loose there would have been some kind of mass hysteria.

I wondered if they ever caught the thieves? Why didn't the police want to investigate, at $200 for each new born snake surely that would have represented quite a serious crime?

You write very clear and concise sentences that make tales of your life in America easy to follow and understand.

Poor Joe was heartbroken when his favourite serpent was pinched. I thought you were very sensible not jumping in the swamp to try and assist Joe and his friends, by the sound of it Big Mama could have swallowed you whole. I was glad that the thieves brought her back I think that she belonged with Joe.

Hope your keeping well.
Cheers for now-Nick.

A dragon reading a book by candle light


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Review by Nick
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A review of: Eine Kleine Nachtmusik (A Little Night Music)
A short story. Genre: Black
These are my opinions and nothing more


Donatella loves music, she hears it in everything. She's enchanted by the night time chorus. Insects chirping, owls hooting and the wind in the trees. Until she encounters a strange silhouetted figure.

Your descriptions of the sounds of the night were very vivid. Donatella and her love of all music shines forth from the page. You have an obvious talent for describing things and making the reader feel that they are in there with the character. I'm always being told I don't give enough description.

However the actual story I found to be somewhat confusing. It was basically the transition from the street, to waking up with rats running across her.

         Donatella took a few steps backward, clutching her purse under her arm a little tighter, while stretching her jacket closer around her torso.  “I’m sorry, it’s late, and I really need to go—“  

         She wasn’t able to finish her sentence.  He didn’t give her a chance.



         Little rat feet scurrying across her face brought her instantly, sharply awake.  She sat up with a jerk, screaming and scratching and swatting frantically at the vermin crawling on her body when suddenly a face—dirty and grimy with stringy, rope-like hair—appeared before her. 

What happened in between? I felt that there was a paragraph missing. Perhaps I've just missed the point.

In summary your story certainly fits into the dark genre well, you generated a lot of atmosphere with great descriptions. Well done.
Cheers-Nick

A dragon reading a book by candle light
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Review by Nick
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A review of: Good Old Boy Factory Hands.
A short story: Genre: Dark.
These are my opinions and nothing more.


Harry and James work at a factory. It's boring work, so they make a half-hearted pact to commit suicide in a rather spectacular fashion, if they are still in the factories employ in ten years time. The deadline passes but inevitably they are both still there. When the time comes, the desire to kill themselves has waned somewhat. A few more years elapse and the factory closes. After a couple of drunken weeks spent in the local bar they finally carry out the deed.

Well! this truly is a sad little tale of hopelessness that ends in tragedy. Whilst I can't deny that it's a well written piece that's easily understood, the sheer lack of hope is astounding.

I've had many a boring job in my time, most people just give up and leave only to end up in yet another dead end job a few months later. Becoming institutionalised from working the same job for years is probably inevitable

I definitely felt the sense of despair at their plight, so well done with that.
The actual act of suicide was slightly confusing.

      “What is this!?” James asked. But with all the alcohol in his blood he couldn’t have determined that he was in any danger. He couldn’t have determined much of anything. He laid down on the ground in a depressive stupor. Harry brought out the slack of the rope with him across the tracks and proceeded to bind his own wrists to the best of his ability. Despite his severe inebriation, he managed to succeed in tying himself.  He then laid down opposite james and waited. His mind had gone entirely blank; blankly he stared at the stars in the clear sky, shivering and listening.

He tied himself and then laid down?

    If luck had been on their side that night the train might have cut the rope and spared their lives. Then again, if luck were on their side they probably wouldn’t have even ended up in such a predicament to begin with. The rope hooked onto a metal bar in the front of the train engine and dragged poor Harry and James hundreds of feet, leaving tandem trails of blood and bone fragment along the track ballast. Eventually, the rope gave and what was left of the two friends came quite literally to a dead stop, side by side, hugging the rocky ground.

If they were both tied to the track no luck in the world would have stopped the train from hitting them.

I understand that happy endings can be seen as boring and life isn't always like that anyway, but I think your story would have more legs if they had woken up by the side of the tracks and in the cold light of day they had been brought to their senses. But it wouldn't have been very dark then, I suppose.

In summary this is a well written piece that certainly fits it's dark genre.

Cheers- Nick.

A dragon reading a book by candle light
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Review of Super heroes NOW!  
Review by Nick
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A review of: Super heroes NOW!

A short story.
Genres: Fantasy, Comedy, Teen.
These are my opinion and nothing more.

This is the story of a young boy Cody, who like most boys of nine years is really into comic book characters and has a slight belief that they might be real. He is on line when he comes across a web site advertising the whereabouts of three unlikely super heroes that live in his home town. He persuades his parents to take him to see them to a slightly seedy part of town. The super heroes turn out to be ordinary men with no powers at all. They are in fact strangely dressed vigilantes. When they leave their meeting place all five are confronted by five armed gang members who are breaking into a car. The super heroes are powerless put the boy is the unlikely saviour of the day.


When I started reading I thought that it was going to be a simple, “boy meets super heroes, has adventure, then remembers nothing of it afterwards. Well! I'm glad to say that I was wrong. The twist at the end was excellent, I certainly didn't see that coming. Well done.


Your story sits quit well into the genres: Fantasy and Teen, however there aren't to many laughs in there. I can however imagine teenagers reading and enjoying it.

I have a slight niggle with the following paragraph.


Brad drove his excited son into the downtown core. For the most part, it was a relatively safe area. It was nowhere near as bad as some of the larger cities. Sure, there was the occasional drunken brawl, even the odd murder, and there were a couple of gangs around; their graffiti was noticeable here and there. But he was never concerned when he came downtown at this time of day by himself. It's just that, he was now here with his son, and he didn't want to put him in harms way, even if there was a remote chance of something happening. His son really wanted this bad, but he still felt a little guilty for bringing him to this seedier part of the city. Well, at least it wasn't dark, yet.

The reader is yet to discover the truth regarding Cody, but his parents know that they are all aliens
and obviously they also know that they are far more advanced than the human race. Judging by the way Cody dealt with the armed gang, would his father be bothered about taking the boy anywhere in the world let alone to a relatively safe neighbourhood? I don't know, but it just a thought.

In summary, this is a well thought out and cleverly constructed piece of writing, with a good twist at the end.

Cheers for sharing your work- Nick.
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for entry "Labels
Review by Nick
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
If nothing was labelled where would it all end. Utter chaos is the short answer.
I don't see the problem with labels as a concept, after all if you're opening a tin of nice juicy peaches you definitely want to know that what you've got are peaches and not Pedigree Chum. I'm assuming that like most of the rest of us you don't mind if the label is a positive one, we don't mind being labelled as" good parents" or as being "good at our jobs." Or I can't imagine too many people complaining about being labelled as" attractive" or "intelligent" So are we then allowed to moan about the not so positive labels. Well of course we can moan about them, but I don't think that it's an argument for doing away with the good old label for ever.

Right! that's got that off my chest. Have you really got enough different bones to pick to keep a blog going? It's actually a really good subject Gets people thinking, I hope that you can find enough material to sustain it. I suspect that you'll be ok.
Cheers-Nick
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Review by Nick
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is a review of: In Less Than An Hour.
Genre: Dark, Emotional.
These are my views and nothing more.
 In Less Than An Hour  (18+)
A take on domestic violence in a relationship
#1880835 by G. B. Williams



This is a short story about a man, who in a fit of rage murders his wife.

She had been nagging him for ages and deep down he knew that eventually he would kill her.
This was quite a short but riveting read. I liked the way it was written from his point of view. Justifying his actions to himself. Your descriptions paint the scene well and make it easy to imagine that you're in the room with the murderer and the victim. The genre was “dark” and it meets my criteria for the category well. One small point, in the line

“His heart raced like a car in the Indy 500s.”


I think that saying “His heart raced” period, has a greater impact. “like a car in the Indy 500s.” sounds slightly clumsy to me.

Title: In Less Than An Hour. Says it all, no problems there.

Spelling: Good. I only spotted one mistake, and I'm sure that was just a typo.
She had gotten what she deserved, and he was threw with her.  She hadn't been that good of a wife any way.  Now, he could get the right wife for his children, and move on with his life.

I think you meant.
She had gotten what she deserved, and he was through with her.  She hadn't been that good of a wife any way.  Now, he could get the right wife for his children, and move on with his life.

Grammar: Excellent, nothing to report there
Word choice : Avoid “each and every.”
Fear grips him like a vice that is being drawn tighter and tighter with each and every turn of the handle.  Clichés are phrases used so much they lose their original power. Try revising the meaning of this phrase using your own words. It will make a stronger impact on your reader
Style Transitional Phrases.
Good job! 
My overall impression was that this is a well thought out and constructed piece that I enjoyed reading
Thanks for an enjoyable read-Nick..

Click here to request a review!
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Review by Nick
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi there a sun flower in Texas. (Great name, by the way.)
I have just finished reading your short piece. Paul McCartney World Tour.
I was going to call this a review, but it's more of a comment really, I suppose.
I'm extremely fascinated by the events of other lives, and how they achieve different things. This was an episode in yours that not only told me a little about your love of music, but also of the nature of the woman that you are.
A well written story.
I must admit I'm not much of a Beatles fan, but nevertheless your need, or want, to see Paul McCartney live and your journey to getting there shines through brightly.
Getting lost, well I think that I've made that into an art form. I once moved home and when I got off the train from work that first evening I couldn't for the life of me remember where I lived. I had to phone my wife who was still at work an sheepishly ask for directions.
So thanks for a great read, your obviously a talented writer.
Regards- Nick.
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Review of cannibals shoes  
Review by Nick
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
A review of Cannibals Shoes. These are my opinions and nothing more.

A very short story indeed (689 words) but a wee bit confusing nonetheless.
Now let me see if I've got it right. Michael is a Polish immigrant living in London sometime after the second world war, and he preys on people to eat and makes shoes out of their skin.
The explanation of his bizarre actions is that he was fed on human flesh as a child. His father Jan being the first in the family to sample the delights of eating ones neighbours.
As far as horror stories go the premise is quite good
When you set stories in real places it's always best to do at least a little homework first, as you never know who will end up reading your work.

 “the rain pelts down on his top hat”

It's more likely that he would be wearing a flat cap than a top hat in post war England.

The weather seems to be rather gloomy especially for an English winter evening”.

The weather can't be gloomy it's dark by 4pm in winter in London.
When the story starts it's pouring with rain, no real time elapses yet it concludes with him slipping on frost, it must have been a very sudden cold snap.

“his job was destroyed in the same fashion as the work house”

The work house was a Victorian institution that people got sent to if they were in debt I think you meant factory.
You have some grammar issues and a few spelling mistakes but overall I liked the story and I think that there is great scope for you to expand it.
So well done and keep on writing.
Regards- Nick.
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Review by Nick
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.0)
This was going to be a review of Knights Of Concordia. Please remember this is my opinion and nothing more.
I've read the prologue and first three chapters and feel the only advice that I could offer you is to start from the very beginning and read it through word by word, then sentence by sentence. Try getting it to a point where it's possible for anyone to read it and make sense of it , I would be happy to look at it again once you've had another go.
Regards- Nick
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Review of Jenna  
Review by Nick
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A review of Jenna. These are my opinions and nothing more.

This is a chilling little tale about a psychopath, Jenna who's thoughts are related to the reader whilst in an interview with her lawyer.

Quite eerie really, it turns out that she's killed “Daddy” and I'm assuming that it's her father.
The thoughts that she has are well described and I liked the line

 “I wondered if he could see through my black hair like he could see through the rest of me”

Giving the reader at least a glimpse of what she looks like.
Maybe you could have expanded on that because people in general have a morbid curiosity of what “strange” people really look like and what makes it intrinsically more macabre is when they turn out to look normal so to speak.

So let me recap and see if I've got this right, she killed her father and turned him into an art installation.
I had a slight confusion on the line

“Daddy had to burn the pills out of him”. Daddy had to burn the pills out of who?

I think this is a well written tale that has got massive scope to be expanded and if you do I would love to see where you take it.
Cheers- Nick.
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Review by Nick
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A review of The Guy Who Didn't Eat Fish

An amusing tale of a trip to a Dim Sum restaurant.
Well! I can't for the life of me imagine the conversation that took place that resulted in you going there. I too can't stand fish and nothing short of a massive monetary bribe would have got me in that place. I checked out a dim sum menu and there was loads on it that wasn't fish, trouble was it all looked just as disgusting.

Good descriptions of the restaurant and the staff within coupled with a well crafted tale of blue carpets and bed wetting make for a good funny read.
I usually find a little to moan about, but not with this one.
Well done, cheers- Nick.
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Review by Nick
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A review of The Shadow That Came. These are my opinions and nothing more.

This is the story of a person possessed by an evil spirit and enticed into committing suicide.
Your opening two paragraphs were good, luring the reader in

The story unfolds as a conversation between the person and the entity, this was a well written question and answer session. I have a slight problem in that, would anyone that is “possessed” instigate a chat with the devil living inside them and have a philosophical discussion with them, I'm not sure about that one. Maybe the conversation could have started the other way round and you could have described your absolute horror at it was actually talking to you , just a thought I suppose.

Also I'm not sure if what you describe is for real or some manifestation of a mental illness, either way it scared me, I'll not be having any more dark thoughts if I can help it.

Ultimately I think that it's a tale of hope, don't be negative and try to be thankful for what you've got
Great read thanks- Nick
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Review by Nick
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A review of May I have this dance. These are my opinions and nothing more.

A tale about a girl who looses her sister in tragic circumstances and subsequently goes on to fulfil her dream of becoming a professional dancer.

“My body was glistening with sweat as the heavy, addictive beat of the bass rippled through my pulse and dictated my movements. My hair, cropped and layered, bounced with every step and movement I made.”

Your opening two lines drew me into the story nicely
Elysia was described very well and your narration is good throughout.
The middle part where you give some background information

“I used to dance with her in the garden”

etc gives a good sense of the closeness of the two sisters.
I don't comment on the technical stuff, I'll leave that to the experts.
A couple of minor points, you use the word “transmodulated” I can't find it in any dictionary.
Transmogrified means to change in a magical way, perhaps you meant that

“YOU LIED TO ME!” I screamed inside my head as I made a sweeping gesture with my feet and spun around once on the spot. “Elysia, you knew it was coming that day! Why didn’t you tell me what had been going on?!” I yelled mentally at her.”

You told the reader that the scream was inside your head so there's no need to mention that you “yelled mentally at her”

Over all this is a good story well written and well described.
Thanks for the privilege of reading it.
Regards – Nick.

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Review by Nick
Rated: E | (4.0)
Your words ring so true to me, living in great sprawling cities our lives are driven unrelenting, like pieces of machinery.The thought of sitting somewhere and actually being able to appreciate the scenery and be able to here your own thoughts is a great thing. You've managed to capture that sense perfectly. A good piece, well written. Thanks, Nick
24
24
Review by Nick
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
"The drunkard tales, the binges
the days of hazy memory.

WOW, Two great opening lines. I'm not one for poetry, but I could relate to that totally.

"Joy when my thoughts are clouded
by drink that has lost it's taste."

SO true. I've experienced that many times. I've just never put it into words quite so succinctly.
Obviously your poem struck a chord with me, however I'm not educated enough on poetry to comment on any technical aspects of the work . So I'll just say that you've managed to express in a few lines something I haven't been able to do in many thousands.
Well done.
25
25
Review by Nick
Rated: E | (4.0)
As an overall view, it ,s cleverly constructed and the story content, good. However I did have to read it through twice to fully understand it, but that's no bad thing. A minor technical criticism would be that some of the rhyming links could be a little stronger.Generally though a good piece of work
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