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151
151
Review of Spilt Milk  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Eliacie !

I read your story
 Spilt Milk  (E)
Oliver and Peter are inseperable, But do the adults really understand their friendship?
#1986660 by Eliacie
some time back where it won the first place in Four times Genre and deservedly so. Though I am no gifted writer or a re-knowned reviewer but I would still like to offer my impressions of this story, in hope that some of it might help you. Please feel free to take or throw away anything what you like from this. *Smile*

Strengths:
To me, the unexpected end formed the highlight of this piece. The fact that you kept it all a well-disguised secret right until the end speaks – hollers on the top of the lungs - of your credentials as a writer. The length is just right for the flash fiction which serves it well. I kind of guessed the first secret by the three fourth of the story but the ending gave me a real wow! Spooky, I must say!

The title was clever enough to draw me in while the description was brilliant. It gives nothing away but is Inviting!

The dialogues of the children were perfect for the story line. They talk about nothing in particular but still manage to hold the attention.
I also like the fact that the story has a linear plot which you remain loyal too PLUS the fact that there is a scope for a Sequel kind of a story. Don’t you think so? Don’t forget to the share your royalty with me, once you write the sequel *Laugh*

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
There were a few places where minor changes would work wonders:
a) “…using his finger wipe up the chocolate..”
Change  insert “to” between his and finger in above sentence.
b) “…friend’s eye that made him unsettled...”
Change  if you could reword it as “..that unsettled him..” I believe it sounds better.

c) “… Oliver never came with to the room.…”

Change “…Oliver never came with “him” to the room …”

d) “ Nanny Carol had been changing Jamie’s nappy upstairs while he was in the kitchen with Oliver. “

Suggestion  Since this is the very start of the story, in my opinion you should introduce Peter in this very sentence. I am saying this because I was a bit confused the first time I read this story as to who was in kitchen with Oliver. The Nanny? Carol? Somebody Else?

So if you could say “Nanny Carol had been changing Jamie’s nappy upstairs while Peter was in the kitchen with Oliver” it would erase the scope of any doubt.

e) At one place you use this line “‘Stop telling fibs Peter,’ they always said.”
This line is in a new paragraph, which signifies,(atleast to me it did) that it tells what is happening in present in the story but on further reading the next line I understood that no you were still talking about why Peter always landed in trouble with Oliver and what adults used to say. So, in my opinion it would be better to keep it in the previous paragraph, I think but its your call.

The lasting memory of this piece in my mind
I especially like the end PLUS the place wherein you talk about the rocking chair and the fact that Oliver never went in there. Well crafted, dear!

Overall Feel
I really liked this story. The dialogues are good and I am pretty sure that in your second draft you make them even taut so as to change this very good story to an excellent one.

Don’t forget to call out for the review. I will be more than happy to oblige!
*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Keep writing and keep rocking.

Thanks,
Kanish ~ we got this! of House Stark!
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152
152
Review of Annie  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (1.0)
Hi carlton607 !
I just finished reading your story, Annie, and I would like to offer you these impressions:

Story Strengths:
To me, the distress which you tried to portray and the unexpected end formed the highlight of this piece. You have done it well. Also, the fact that you were trying to “show” rather than “tell” was strength of this story. The length is just right for the flash fiction which serves it well.

Suggestions:
1) On reading the story, I feel that you have all the ingredients right out there and what needs to be done is to mix and match them properly. For example, I see that you were trying to set up the environment by telling the reader about dog Buster in these lines “. Buster was a mix breed dog and he liked to play.” But at its current place in the story, it stymies rather than aids in the flow of the story. Infact, it is a minor bump in the flow but a bump nevertheless.
Similarly, while talking about Annie, when you write these lines “She was not that old and her hair was blonde turning brown and her waste was small” it feels out of place. It is not wrong to tell about your central characters but it should never be done at the sacrifice of the story line. In its current place it doesn’t serve its purpose.

In my opinion, it would be better if you could club these character information in a neat little paragraph once you have shown the reader the environment of the night. That is when the reader would be most likely to aspire for more details of the characters.

2) In my humble opinion, it would be better if you rearranged the sentences to form a logical movement ahead. What I mean to say is, that I can understand that it was a scary night and Buster howled but it seems to be an incomplete picture even though you have all the details there. The visualization could have been even stronger if you would rearrange the paragraph something like below. This is my version of the first 2 paragraphs.

“Windows clanked against the grills as the howling winds kicked it. Just above Annie’s house, the lightening painted the dark night sky in its own silvery color. Annie recoiled at the sight of it. She could sense something ghastly about to happen. She took some deep breaths to take her mind away from it all but just as she was trying to gather herself she heard her dog yelp, as if it was strangled by an unearthly force; a scream escaped her sobbing lips which betrayed the strength in her frail body. It worsened her already shook up mind.”
Please understand that this is just my version of how I saw things and you may decide to reword it absolutely differently.*Smile*
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:

There were a few places where minor changes would work wonders:
a) “…waste was small..”
Change  waste  waist

b) “…peace of old wood...”
Change  “peace”  “piece”

c) “…pieceful slumber …”

Change “…peaceful slumber…”


The lasting memory of this piece in my mind
I especially like the end when it is revealed that how is she finally relieved of her distress. Dog – human bond stories never stop to impress me!

Overall Feel
I really believe that there is a solid storyline which you have and only if you can restructure it and produce a second draft you would see that how much more could be done with this lovely tale.
Don’t forget to call out for the review. I will be more than happy to oblige!
*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Keep writing and keep rocking.

Thanks,
Kanish ~ we got this! of House Stark!
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153
153
Review of Holding His Hand  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Chels! I just finished reading "Holding His Hand" and I would like to offer you these impressions. Please remember that it is just my perception and you may decide use or overlook it :

I landed on this item via the Noticing Newbie review page. The title was tender and romantic, while the description leaned somewhat towards the mystical side. Thus, I jumped in.

Story Strengths:
To me, the strength lies in the fact that it talks about unrequited love in a heart touching way. Plus, the fact that a guy nearing the end of his life chooses to be with his friend for his last breaths touches the heart. The core of the story was real strong, and the story was well knitted around it. Good work, there.

Characters:
There are just two central characters and by the end of the story, I feel like I know them, especially Rose (what a simple yet lovely name :) ). She seems to be the girl next door, the best friend all of us want; the one caring, loving sort of a person we could depend on and I think you brought it out well. Kudos to you, especially for this character!

Sebastian, on the other hand, is not a guy you see every day but there is a chord that connects me with him because of the angle of the Foster parents thrown in there, I could see his loneliness, in bits and pieces.


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar/Other suggestions:
Just a minor corrections here and there:
1) At one place you write “is that to much to ask”. Replace “to” with “too” and you are done.

2) I couldn’t help notice that you used “wheezed” at a couple of places more than you ideally should have. That happens, I know, we get lost in our stories *Smile* Just replace the word with a synonym or a phrase depicting the wheezing like say something dramatic - “his lungs dying to purchase more breaths” or something simple like “he gasped/panted”

3) The CAPS seem a bit odd, here. The few sentences, all in upper case, somehow end up devaluing the situation. I know you are trying to show the frustration and the irritation of Rose but then also, you words alone should be able to do it. In fact, I think you have the right words in that segment there, so you could very well drop these CAPS.

Other suggestions -
1) The very first line where you use the word “leisurely” seem a bit odd considering the serious health issues which Sebastian is facing. “Dragging my heavy foot” or something to that effect would be more like it, I think.

The lasting memory of this piece in my mind:
It would be the point in the story where the two characters kiss each other. It is a curious pick considering the fact that first when I read it, the passion in the kiss seemed a bit odd considering the tenderness in the story until then but then I thought of my love and imagined myself leaving, never to return. It clicked *Smile*

Overall opinion: :
All in all, I must say that it was a nice little story and I liked it. The tale is heart touching at some places but if you add even more intense emotions to it, the reader would be able to feel the emotions such as the pain, the suffering and the death from up-close which would turn this good story into a great one.
This is a great start nevertheless and I suggest you to add more layers to it. If you decide to do it and want my opinion on the revised piece please feel free to get in touch with me. I would love to review for sure.

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Keep writing and keep rocking.

Thanks,
Nishank

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154
154
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Pen! I just finished reading "So my dog got brainy..."  and I would like to offer you these impressions. Please feel free to use or disregard any of them :

How I landed on this Item
I was scanning for a newbie item to review and that is when I saw this piece. The title was catchy and had an informal yet inviting tone to it. I could no more resist *Smile*

Story Strengths:
In my opinion, the fact that a pet talked back to his master and that too in a grousing, complaining way formed the life of the tale. It could have been simpler if you would have let the pet reciprocate the love of his master but that would not have been as much fun as you made it to, with that little twist.
Great job on the dialogues and the tone, too. The tone was leaning towards friendly banter which clinched the deal for me. It was almost as of two friends were talking amongst which they were afterall, except for the fact that one of them was a dog.

The dialogues were taut and the sentences were short and thus inviting. Also the certain places you introduced the elements such as:

Sarcasm( when Frank mocks its owner),

Surprise (when the owner learns that Frank his talking today),

Humor(when Frank tells that dog food tastes disgusting AND the best of them all, that Franks hate it when its poop is collected) and
horror(at the end when Frank rises on his hind legs to let the lady know what he thinks)

It all worked well along with the clever use of phrases such as “pick a bone with you”. Made me smile also the words such as “Frank sat next to his newly created Mt. Turd”*Smile*

Characters:
Frank could be anyone’s pet and that made it easy to visualize him. An ageing dog getting cranky as he gets older was a clever trick as you gave him human characteristics yet remaining at his root, a dog. I liked it.*Balloon*
The support characters do their part well including the dog which catches its owner midfall. Not a character out of place, I believe.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I am not grammarian or a learned scholar so not much to offer except for:
1. You know the formatting of the text could have been a bit more eye pleasing, so as to say. Like at certain places where the dialogues start the text appears to be too thick. I mean, separating out the logical chunks of dialogues could have made it even more easier to read.
Please don’t get me wrong. It is easy to read in its present form too, but it is more because of your comic timing rather than structuring. Just a minor observation.

2. You know, I am new to writing too but in the past few months on my stint on this wonderful site, I have learned that adverbs can be a speed breaker to the flow of a story.
“Show rather than tell” is the key to excellent storytelling, friend *Smile*

What I mean is:
a) Frank said sarcastically. - (Current wording)
Frank rolled his eyes - (Suggestion) (Action of eye roll Implies the sarcasm)

b) He said gruffly -(Current wording)
He howled -(Not a very good Suggestion I believe but something of similar effect which shows he said it gruffly, in a subtle manner)

c) looked at me sternly - (Current wording)
Stared at me till I looked away -(Suggestion)

OR
Rolled up his upper lip, flashed his teeth as if challenging me to touch his poop.

The lasting memory of this piece in my mind:
It has to be when Frank tells that the food is tasteless as his owner gobbles up his cornflakes.

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! I really liked it and I look forward to hop into your port some other time. You have a knack of comic timing, I believe and I love funny tales. Keep writing and keep rocking.

If you need to get more of your item reviewed, please let me know *Smile*

Thanks,
Nishank

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155
155
Rated: E | (5.0)
Initial Impression:
I am not sure if this personal recollection should be judged but I must say I could feel the pain, all over the poem. It touched me, made my heart bleed at places and somehow, even made me realize how helpless we are sometimes.
The title set the tone beautifully and you remained loyal to it, throughout.

What I liked the most:
The way you remained loyal to the emotions also to the rhyme. It added an even greater melancholy feel to it.
My favorite line was,which wrenched my heart --> "...there has always been tomorrow"

Keep writing, Lil La Pea, as the writing might very well be the outlet we need in such times. God bless you and thanks for sharing :)


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156
156
for entry "Day 23 - Young Love" 
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Aww not done :|

You set the mood so beautifully to destroy it all at the last minute. I could feel the pain of Jason meaning that it was indeed a well crafted tale.

The imagery was wonderful, the swans et al and since I myself saw that prompt as I was a fello participant in image prompt contest I understand how this story just sticks to it. Lovely.

Sigh for Jason though:)

Thanks for sharing.


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157
157
Rated: E | (5.0)
Ha ha. Not this is hilarious. Lovely use of "rings a bell".

Poor head bonking soul.

The way you set up the scene was commendable especially since this was going to be a comic piece but no, you stuck to it. I could learn a lot from it.


And finally, I couldn't con"Trol"l myself from using this pun of the worse kind.

Thanks for sharing and making me laugh.


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158
158
Review of Clean Up  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
The overall feel:
It was a creepy little story and you managed to scare me to a certain extent. I braced myself for it since the very first line and I would like to think that I wasn’t disappointed. The story was crisp and the ploy of using a cleaner’s perspective on it was a good idea, I feel. The narrative style added gloss to the story and I think elevated the story from good to very good. The title was very apt too.

Plot:
Set in a cursed or a haunted house which has seen many murders over the past few months/years. A cleaner who has heard whisperings about it before too and infact has been there before, has to do the cleanup once again.
The plot was chilling, no second thoughts there. I could imagine myself as the one listening to the ramblings of this cleaner, and visualizing the state of the house.

Dialogues:
Although there were no dialogues but the narrative style never let it feel so. The word choice was really good and that place where you talked about the boots in the blood puddle and say “just like what you’re wearing” was a clever and a scary trick. It almost transported me to the haunted place. Loved it!

Characters:
Joe’s character was essential so as to introduce a second person’s view of the proceedings and to build suspense and I think you succeeded to do so. The narrator’s character was well shaped to creep out the reader. The cops played their part too by being ignorant :P

Things I liked the most :
As I said before too, that boot trick I talked about above was the favourite part of mine. Part from that, I liked the way you reduced the story to bare essentials for example, you could have rambled on about cleaning the safe places first and so on, but no you dove directly into the creepiest place and I think that it did work.

The alternative suggestions:
Not many, but if I were you, I would have placed this story in a bar, with the bartender listening on.(I got this idea when your character talks about beers) At present, although I can imagine all what is happening, I cant see a place where you are narrating story from so maybe that.
Also, a little bit of more gory detail in the “wolverine” paragraph, where you are trying to actually creep out the reader would have been great. Please don’t take it otherwise, it scares a hell lot in its current state too, but adding another level of ghastliness would have upped the feel of the story even more, I believe.

Score:
This is a great plot and setting which you have at hand and if tweaked a little, I believe you will have an even gem of a story here. I would give you 8 out of 10 for it.
You have all the good things working in your writing I believe and though I am by far still a learner of this craft too, I think you have the vision of a storyteller.

If you plan to edit this story, do ask me to review it and I would be glad to review it again.

It was a pleasure reading to it. Thanks for sharing :)


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159
159
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
That offered me a good chuckle. I for once have never ever gone on diet, but could relate to it all. The gummy bear prompt worked well for you, I can see :)

And a big woohoo for the chocolate pool :D

Thanks for sharing :)


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160
160
Review of mrs adams  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Good part
Hmm. This is an interesting plot. A psychic out to help a couple. I like the way you set it up, and the way dialogues keep it moving at a swift pace. Also, the the angle of an ex-wife also adds another mystery level to the story.

The slightly lose parts
At the beginning, there was a line " She sets about depriving Maria of her recent inheritance from her mother" But as the story progressed it moved in a different direction than it. Maybe it is the nature of campfire stories, which go with the flow of the different writers.

Also, at the end, I wanted to know what happened when Maria came out of Mrs. Adams' spell; Was Mrs Adams also manipulating him?
Was Maria mentally scarred once she came out of the trance?


The conclusion
All in all, i think it is a good story with great potential. Just tweak a few things, and you have something really good at hand. And when you do it, do call me in. I would love to offer my eyes to it. Thanks for sharing :)
161
161
Review of Trepidation  
Rated: E | (4.5)
CHilling words put to use perfectly. I really liked the way you described the actions of the characters and built up the environment so as to say.
Loved it. Thakns for sharing :)


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162
162
Review of Poem 1001  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Ha ha ha...That is a real nice one which neatly bring out the frustations and pain that writicing a poem can be sometimes. Couldnt agree more with the line"There's something always wrong within the lines With every re-read, a new one shines"

3rd para's last 2 lines are a bit too long in my humble opinion but hey, I know it can be painful to adjust all you want to say sometimes so no issues :)


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163
163
Review of Skuz-bucket  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
The story was good but what struck me more was the sketch you portrayed with the well described actions. They added so much to tthe story and made it very good from good in my humble opinion. Sentences like "He frowned and reached out to touch me, but I stepped back. " AND "I couldn’t help but glare at him for a second until my anger evaporated into hurt" Loved them and learnt a bit about story building too.

Thanks for sharing :)


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164
Review of succesfull day  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Although principally I am against hunting but I must give it you for the imagery. Really well knit together, and I could feel the environment many a times. The lines wherein you describe the sun and the coat especially presented an image :)


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165
165
Review of Numb  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I could feel what you wanted to say, because I myself took the same steps some 4 years back when I was broken hearted.It gave me a relief from the harrowing memories of togetherness.

The words were well chosen and I really liked these lines :

Tonight it ends, won't hurt again
It is coming, it is the end.

There was some brimming desire to change it all. I could sense that.BEst of luck and keep sharing stuff.

THanks for sharing :)


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166
166
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Ending caught me unaware and also added to the significance of the overall story. Liked the fact that you offered so much in so little words! Thanks for sharing this tale :)


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167
167
for entry "Invalid Entry" 
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Well put. Liked the way the rhyming was just perfect and also, the fact, that there was a tale within the poem. Great job. The scene played out in front of my eyes.

Thanks for sharing :)


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168
168
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Oh my..I had this story in one of my tabs, and because of one reason or other, I kept procrastinating reading it until today and what a treat it turned out to be!

I have read many stories and tales here at writing.com but this tale which combines emotion, creativity and storytelling is unparalleled in its each and ever facet. This could be a Hollywood movie script I tell you and I am stating what I felt as I read through it. This tale was a tutorial on storytelling.

In fact, I felt a bond with A-770 and I will miss him too.

Thanks for this powerful stuff. Got to read more of your stuff! A big thanks for sharing, Mage I loved it from its story formation to its end. You genius I am jealous of you!

PS: This is my 100th review and I am privileged that it was your story I reviewed as my 100th!


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169
169
Review of Enforced Vacation  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Now this was some serious creativity at work. Lovely and amazing at the same time. It was never too tough to believe the tale and that is the first sign of a story well told. I loved the story plot as well as the flow and the feel of it.

I would like to read more of it if one day you decide to extend it.

Thanks for sharing :)


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170
170
Rated: E | (4.5)
Innovative, taut and thrilling. "Humans" being used to play by devils..Great!Loved every bit of it. Thanks for sharing!


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171
171
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
The title was catchy and it brought me into the story.

The story gripped me as soon as I read "magician" and it moved at a great pace. The place where you said that the pages were torn alarmed me about the possible ending but nonetheless it was subtle enough to doubt whether I had actually sensed it.


All in all, the story fascinated me and I noticed my eyes rolling down the paragraphs to find out the events in store. I totally loved it.

My favorite part was the way you described teh scenes in the old book house and the the anticipation of the character on finding a relevant book. I could totally visualize that.

Thanks for sharing..It was a great read!


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172
172
Review of Death Wink  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
The title was great and it drew me in.
I have read this type of thriller for the first time during my stint here at WdC and you totally elated me, with the kind of grasp you hade on the story telling.

Th eplot was intriguing right from the start and what added to the brilliance of the tale was the way you managed to develop the characters and give the reader a feel about hem, in such a short period of time.

I could share their anxiety , the sweat and felt as if I was in the drama...Okubo was one heck of a villain.

Top notch. Thanks for sharing this tale :)


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173
173
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I read your previous story of tooth fairy and hence I came bakc for more and am I glad that I did!!

This was an even marvellous stry. It had all the things which makes a great story - the characters, the plot, the crisp dialogues and aha the surprise ending. Brilliant on all counts!

The way you created that environment during the first 3 paras was incredible and then you totally twisted the plot on its head. Thomas was a great character and the actions you gave to it would stick with me. The plot was excellent too. Couldnt find flaw even if I am ordered to. Thanks for sharing this wonderful piece :)


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174
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Though I was unaware of this myth, still the title atracted me. I guess that shows the excellent choice of the title!

And then the story! The first two paras really set up the tale. The way in which you described the Lehana’s grace and her features was brilliant. It formed a clear image in my mind.
The second half consisting of entirely the dialogues, really sped up the story which was great again.
Th end was great too and it all fitted with the story.

All in all, I really liked the tale.

Thanks for sharing :)


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175
175
Rated: E | (4.0)
Finally a lady on our side! Now, I will make my future wife read this essay in case she nags me over it :)

All in all, i believe it's about not enforcing your rules on somebody else - which I agree to, completely

Thanks for sharing :)


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