Beautiful, beautiful composition. You managed to capture so much in those lines - the passion, the excitement, taht anticipation.
Laced with love and i loved it every bit :)
What beauty would it have been if it were a little lengthier composition!! Oh, I wish.
I was curious to see what lies within the poem and it has just been days since i started meditating and the best part was you recaptured it exactly, in the way i feel it. That tranquility, the stillness of the breaths and that calmness!!
About the composition, the rhyme goes a little awry at places but nothing more. On and alll I liked it because it conveyed, what it wante to.
A little help regartding the rhyme would be that when I write teh poem, i either try to keep the 2 rhyming lines of similar length OR the first line of greater length than second. It is not a thumb rule, but it works for me. You can use it too, if you wish..
This is a real sad one and also an eyeopening one for those, including me, who take good things in life for granted. We always run around things and crib when we dont get what we want.
Whenever i see a stranger with a deformity, i cringe and think what if it was me! If only i could remember this lesson always but through your tale i got another reminder. THanks for that :)
I can sense the helplessness of it all right at the start. Also, the background(like the description of the mother, the father, you being elder) helped me feel the sufferings from up close. Oh, how i wish this teaching remains with me - at least this time.
YOu Married the hidden desires of men(some men at least) with the scientific base and we had a good story. I will not call it excellent but it was good, bceuae the plot was clear and so was the ending right in the midway so it sounded a bit predictable.
BUt the idea was original. I liked it.
Thanks for sharing :)
The title caught my attention and drew me into the tale.
The tale moved at a rapid rate, never stagnating.
I myself particluarly like to tell that tale from an animal's eye. It gives so much creativity freedom and hence i might be partial but i think you used it cleverly, pretty innovatively.
Loved it. I am hooked to your tales :) Thanks for sharing
The poem flowed powered by the rhyming words. It was very good and especially, with that part right at the end where the cancer stricken children are introduced in the scene. It added much more emotion to the composition.
Just a couple of places i found the rhyme going awry example "does"//"because" ..."long"//"gone".."faces"//"is" but that is quite negligible considering the wonderful tale within the poem and the flow. Liked it. I will learn a lot from reading these compositions from long timers.
Brilliant because it mde me feel the tension, the nervousness and the panic. ANd the greatest praise for the novelty of the idea. I liked it very much. Thanks for sharing. You deserved that top spot on 300 worder challenge.
1. As you described Arcbuckle, i was imagining him as a young boy with a pale face and just in the next line, lo - you described him exactlyt as i imagined..That spooked !!!
2. I really liked the way in which you built up the story. Like when you said "to spit out the peach seed and venture.. " that actually forms an image in the mind, which helps to transport us to that place. (I will learn from it too)
3. The way Bucky uttered monosyllable, again added to the creep level. His voice was well described too and it creates the zone for the horror. Liked it in other words i was a bit spooked.
4. The ending was good too but that was the only part that i would change if i were you. Don't get me wrong, this was a very good story but it could have been awesome if you had used on the eeriness you built earlier.
In my humble opinion, probably adding another layer of suspense would have worked instead of directly letting her in the cellar - but maybe, it's just me who thinks so :)
All in all, i really liked the sttory and i think, you have that art of storytelling in you - ideas we can always improve upon. Would like to see your other works too.
It made me smile :) Thanks a lot for sharing it. The confusion of the old man was well brough out. That line in where he says "you are a cow" tickled me :)
hahaha..that was a good one. The only thing which ate the fun a bit was the word "life" kind of gave it away but nonetheless a good one. Not easy i know!
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