Hi Piratess. I'm playing.
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All reviews are generated from the random review option. Let the reviews begin!
The problem with using random is that a reviewer can land anywhere in a person's portfolio. It's clearly stated at the top that this is chapter 8. I read it, and didn't pause to think how confused I would be by not beginning at the beginning.
And confused I was. I got all the characters' names mixed up, because Aisling's friends' names could have been used for a girl or a boy. (Of course by the end, I know who the guy was.
So, what can I offer after squinting to read this chapter? Firstly, I suggest a larger font for easier reading. (I use 3.5)
The beginning of anything works best if it starts with something being interrupted, rather than a person waking up late. Unless, that's tantamount to the plot. And that could very well be true.
Remember to show a person's feelings by identifying body language (clenched fists, confused expressions, picking at a napkin, biting fingers, you get the idea.) adding feeling in a sentence tag isn't the best option. It's a direct no-no.
The reader needs to be completely immersed in your dream world. Try to avoid adverbs, as they indicate a weak verb.
Here's one problem sentence.
Glancing at Bailey, Aisling realized that something was incredibly wrong.
What was Bailey's expression? (Eyes round? lips in a firm line, a furrowed brow? teeth clenched...) to name a few. Also the word (realize) pops up often, and it's a distancing word.
Fiction is immediate. In many places, dialogue would help get a writer out of this puzzle. For instance
Realizing that she must have slept through school, Aisling told the person knocking to come in.
Consider dialogue.
"Oh no. I overslept and missed school." or if you want to use internal dialogue
Oh no, I overslept and missed school.
This one definitely needs to be fixed or avoided in the future.
he whispered worriedly,
I'm not even sure what that means.
Some adverbs I noticed.
[really] didn't bother.
[presumably] Taylor had told...
"Taylor, you told Bailey."
Last example, so I don't overwhelm you.
The familiar tingling sensation [immediately] followed, along with a surge of electricity that flowed straight into his body.
You can skip that first part, and go right to
...a surge of electricity flowed into his body.
As you progress with the chapters, remember less is more. Be succinct. Use action, not passive verbs. Avoid filler words.
I'm not tattering your chapter to shreds. Rather, I wanted you to recognize pitfalls to avoid in the future. You have an interesting chapter here, that asks many questions of the reader. This helps propel them forward.
You can add links to the other chapters, making it a breeze to simply click and read (for example) chapter nine. And you can include links going back to Chapter seven, and so on.
Keep on writing. Don't ever give up! Especially after reading one review. And don't be afraid to ask for help.
~Nixie
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