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340 Public Reviews Given
364 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am pretty easy going. I don't want to bash your poem. I look for rhythm, color, formatting, form, meter, style, imagery. I look, I listen. I appreciate. For more go to my Poetry Review Forum #1399834 or find it in the Review Forum List.
I'm good at...
Encouragement, helping you when you need it. Suggesting better words or lines, and challenging you to do better and not settle for boring words, lines or writing crap.
Favorite Genres
Poetry - all types but especially free verse.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 -3- 4 5 6 ... Next
51
51
Review by njames51
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Oh my goodness, this is wonderful! It reminds me so much of being back in Maine, by the beach, in the summer.This is breathtaking to read, with images so richly inviting, detailed, alive - the reader is drawn to the scene and wants to stay. The rhyming breaks are perfectly placed, and sweetly lift off the tongue. What a marvelous scene, story, memory.

Favorite lines:

white flowers in a coffee mug,
two lovers in an embrace,
slender volumes of verse
on a windowsill,
promising an eternity of simple joys
to souls with private pains.


I so much enjoyed reading this. It is PERFECTION!





 Nancy's Poetry Review Forum   (13+)
Come in for a free review! If you need help, just ask. A cup of tea is free!
#1399834 by njames51


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Review of Suffer  
Review by njames51
Rated: E | (5.0)

I HAD to go over to your port and read some more of your writing.

Again, honest, brutal, from the gut. Love the beginning line -

"You know, out of everything, I feel the guilt the most."

WOW, beautiful phrasing, very open, aware, philisophical. You look at yourself, you see inside yourself, you admit, ponder, gain insight......

Again, the final line is perfect - absolutely!

You have a natural talent for phrasing, a natural instinct of WHERE to place your lines. You are a shining example of "less is more". Sooooo many writers drag on and on as if they need space filled.

Your work is succient, brief, bare......raw......your reader comes away feeling, FEELING........and that is how talent in writing is exemplified or evidenced by -
Did my reader leave with a feeling? A reaction?

Yet, you don't mean to produce that reaction........you're just writing to get something out of yourself.

Loved this piece. Why do you say your poetry is your weakest piece of writing? I can only imagine what your short stories deliver.

Your poems deliver in every way.

Good job again! KEEP ON WRITING!

 Nancy's Poetry Review Forum   (13+)
Come in for a free review! If you need help, just ask. A cup of tea is free!
#1399834 by njames51


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Review of Unrequited Love  
Review by njames51
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Judy!

Nicely done, yet I am intrigued by the back story:

"You have mended all the open wounds
That have been inflicted on me through my difficult life."

First you describe loving someone, yet they don't love YOU as much. And that hurts! We've been there, all of us. I wish you could describe "hurt" as it affects you, now......descriptive phrases help a reader to emphatize (to say 'I undertsand, exactly").

And the lines mentioned above re: wounds inflicted, a traumatic life....etc.

You may not be comfortable giving specifics, yet, again.......descriptive lines about HOW it felt to be wounded - open wounds are raw, prey to the sunlight, to any remark or look from another. Again, your reader will identify with the sensation, the rawness, the anxiety, the fear that surrounds our wounds.

I know what I felt, I still get the shivers, never wanting to venture down that dark road. I choose not to remember the pain (or perhaps...pain subsides as we grow older).

You understand what I'm saying?

In the last line, take out the word "so".......to yearn is a powerful emotional craving. It is a strong word on it's own.

I believe you are beginning and exploring and learning. I also suggest you sign up for the Poetry Newsletter which comes to you each week. (Go up to SITE TOOLS on the left and in there you will see NEWSLETTERS). They are free, and cover many types of writing. The Poetry Newsletter is awesome, and offers new ways to view, to feel, to construct, to challenge our writing.

Overall, you've done well. I just want more.

KEEP WRITING!


 Nancy's Poetry Review Forum   (13+)
Come in for a free review! If you need help, just ask. A cup of tea is free!
#1399834 by njames51



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Review of Garden of Tears  
Review by njames51
Rated: E | (4.5)

Hello Renflower,

Nicely done, I'm not thrilled with the title, it seems quite common to me. The poem itself is nicely formatted, flows quite easily. I wasn't happy with the last line until I read back and realized your intent for the last line. I like the fact that you cut "filler "words, which many poets stick in there to use up space. Each word you use appears to have meaning to it's placement in the line. I read the piece slowly and enjoyed reading it this way. It would read nicely aloud.

My favorite lines:

A garden of hope has sprung
From ashes of the past.
Take your pick from many
This garden knows no bounds


"from ashes of the past, take your pick from many" is a wonderful, eye opening set of lines. I, personally stopped and thought of that, due to family members who has recently passed, and also because I have tended lately to think of my past, they are ashes, they are memories; but it's true I can take my pick from many.

Those are nicely placed reflective lines.

Altogether a job well done, nicely formatted, by a poet who ponders before they write, who feels before they put ink to a page, who uses a uniformity of subject to draw a reader in.

Good work. KEEP WRITING!!


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Review by njames51
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Hellooooo Mark,

Well, the reader certainly knows your opinion, you've expressed yourself wih specifics, unlike many who rant through generalities. This is a good thing. If one is to take a view of current events, let there be passion and a part of the writer's soul in those views. You've certainly achieved that.

I think you hav done a good job. My only quibble is the seeemingly lack of punctuation folllowing most of the lines/thoughts. This is confusing for the reader. Let the comma be your friend, lest the lines appear to be run-on sentences. That is easily fixed, but definately needed.

I think the last stanza is quite powerful, and as such, should be the final words of the piece. I would delete the last sentence pertaining to Vietnam (even if it is hard for you). That sentence leaves the piece seeemingly disjointed.

This stanza, however, is moving and finishes the piece in a polished way:

"you do not comprehend the irony,
as though you were not warned
that a planted seed grows
in any direction
towards sunlight"

I love those lines, and the whole idea of "irony" and "it's not like you weren't warned" is very powerful. Therefore I would make this stanza the final words to the piece. Very nice.

The other issue I have is with tense. You tend to move from future tense to past tense, to present tense. It doesn't really affect the reading, but, do me a favor...and go over each line and make sure you have some consistancy in tense throughout the piece.

Again, these are minor quibbles, but, remember, a work can ALWAYS be polished up, words changed, lines re-formatted, "filler" words cut out. Your job as a writer is to use the "less is more" principle. Say what you mean in the least amount of words. Language is a writer's tool to capture a reader, and make him WANT to stay throughout he whole piece.

Despite some glitches, I think you've done a good job here. KEEP ON WRITING!!


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Review by njames51
Rated: E | (4.0)

Helloooo Opiner! Welcome!

Interesting style of words, as well as interesting line format and presentation. I sincerely like the theme of the piece; but, in honesty, I believe the theme takes a back seat to the "cuteness" (the concentration on forcing rhyme, or placing witty sing-songy style rhyming) within many of the lines.

I suppose this seems critical, yet, you ARE a fine writer: you obviously show a fine grasp of language, and even your "forced" rhyme at times, is much superior to others who lean on simplistic rhyme: i.e. blue-flew; high-sky etc.

I think many words can be cut, as they honestly affect the rhythm of many lines; therefore overpowering what should be a simplistic journey -from Point A (the beginning word in a line) to Point B (the final word of each line).

For example: these lines:


"Things seem quiet just before the storm…
and that is because nature is trying to conform.

Deception in our time has every form…
with the most popular being the supersized for maximum harm."


In my opinion (and it is only MY reading of the lines) - these lines caould be shortened, and would deliver much more impact/humor.

My re-write would be as follows:

"Things seem quiet before the storm,
Nature tries with fever to conform"

"Deception is our history's norm
Is "Supersizing" now reborn?"

These are just examples. All I did was focus on the POINT needed to be expressed in each line. (these are YOUR points, and are good points/observations to be made).
The route to getting to the POINT was through cutting, cutting, cutting excess, confusing, UNNEEDED verbage. (including this phrase: "and that is because" and this phrase: "with the most popular being"). These two phrases jumble up, or put rocks on the road to the POINTS you are trying to make.

Short is better - poets/writers HATE to cut words or even long phrases - it's like being denied your place in the Sun. BUT, you want to capture the reader's attention right away, else they'll wander off and read a magazine or go mow the lawn.

Go back, watch out for trite rhyming cliche words, CUT absolutely all words which jumble the message.....and, in doing that, you'll begin to feel the rhythm, the timing, the melody inherent in the lines. The syllable count will sing easily off the reader's tongue; and the path from POINT A to POINT B will be shorter, yet filled with more drama, more humor.....and leave the reader with the "ah, ha" moment when they think of your cleverness in using language to force them to think (and to remember).

KEEP WRITING!!

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Review of Funeral March  
Review by njames51
Rated: E | (4.0)
Helo newbie......thanks for letting me read this piece.
You have talent as a writer, I would most sincerely take the energy and discipline to refine your work, and to practice, practice, practice.

This poem is not bad; and it's not great. I feel it to be quite short in length. The parts that stuck out to me, were phrases that appear to be (not cliches'); yet phrases/wods which we have read before.

Phrases such as: "devoid of all emotion,

only an empty shell, a black void"

Unfortunately hese words have been overused by thousands of folks attempting to describe their experiences/feelings when faced with this particular sad event. "Devoid of emotion" is used very often.........."only an empty shell" is also written as a descriptive for many folks.............."A black void" - again used and overused.

Sometimes we can use "easy" words when describing image, emotion, reaction.........to many real life events. I would like you to write the "common" words/phrases - AND then go back and ask yourself "what other language can I use to reflect/say the same thing. What does "an empty shell" mean? What does a "black void" really mean within YOUR experience?

It's tough to grasp for a different phrase/another word.......or even to make comparisions so the reader might understand the depth of YOUR emptyness - a comparision or analogy of the term "black void". I know intellectually what that means - BUT I want to understand FROM YOUR PRESPECTIVE how this blackness affects you, eats you up inside. When I have, unfortunately, lost family memebers, and made to endure decisions, to LIVE a funeral second by second..I found it not only surreal - but a dream, a finality, somehow a reflection of my own realistic appointment with God. For me, it was near blinding in it's truth: I am not young.....death will be my reality. That scared me so much...,.and it also scarred me in ways I continue to ponder, fear, avoid.

Understand my feeble suggestion? You CAN write - it's really a matter of grabbing deeply, and facing what, we humans, don't want to face, or feel,....avoidance is easy.

Language is your brush, the page, a canvas, your gut.....your claim to humanity.

KEEP WRITING!! I look forward to reading more.

Nancy

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Review by njames51
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello Angel Army!

I was lucky enough to receive reviews from you wonderful folks, and I have been invited to join by:

Sherry B.

Please allow me to join this great group. I have been on this site for almost two years, and have a Poetry Review Forum that has been extending reviews since I joined this site. I have never charged for a review, and feel I have especially encouraged new members/new poets to KEEP WRITING! Please check out my forum.

I love this page, your format, but especially your emphasis on SHARING, ENCOURAGING, and EXTENDING FRIENDSHIP to all on the writing.com site.

Thanks for all you do, and please allow me to join. Thanks to Sherry B. for her reviews AND for her invitation!

Nancy


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Review by njames51
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hay Ya there............Jack...........so glad I read your poem, it is sweet, interesting, and was smooth, and covered a great subject, the need for serenity, and the process or methods of achieveing that calm, quiet part of or souls.

Very nice............KEEP WRITING!

Nancy

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Review of Bethlehem  
Review by njames51
Rated: E | (5.0)
Elliot,
Beautiful poem........really emotional and speaking to the heart of the suffering, trauma of life and the burdens of living, faith tested, a glimmer of hope for the human race.

Very inspiring and a fine piece of writing.

Glad to be in contact with you again. A fine writer you are, my friend.

Have a Year of calm and unespected blessings!

Nice job!

Nancy


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Merry Holidays!
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Review of Shooting Star  
Review by njames51
Rated: E | (4.5)
Jack,
Happy Holidays. I like this short poem. It captures emotion. I enjoyed the laststanza the best and also the final line.

Reviewers might nit-pick about certain things, but I tend to feel the overall emotion an empathize with the
feelings of the writer, who takes pain and captures it in someform of writing. It could be longer, but it seemed the right lenght for you to say what you needed, and how you feel.

KEEP WRITING

Nancy


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Review by njames51
Rated: E | (4.5)
Momsson,

A beautiful poem, nicely dedicated to your Mother. My only suggestion is punctuation at the end of lines, so the reader has a compass of where lines begin and end.
And take notice of your use of Capitalizations which don't need to be there. Go over the piece slowly, read it out loud, and you'll see where some confusdion comes in, where line breaks and punctuation needs to be inserted.

otherwise, I really enjoyed this.

Happy Holidays...KEEP WRITING! You have talent!

Nancy


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Review by njames51
Rated: E | (5.0)

Howdy - sorry this review is so late. I totally enjoyed this, and reading it comes during Christmas, and expresses what I should express more often. God is awesome, forgiving, kind, willing to listen, and always by our side.

Your formatting of the lines was well done, your meter and rhythm were spot on, and especially you generated an emotion from your heart, that the reader can relate with and hopefully makes the reader feel your love and hope for God. This is well done, and I can feel your heart in this.

You have a wonderful style of writing, and your verses are never trite or cliche. You ponder and relate and let your heart form images, and discover emotion that any reader can identify with.

Great job.......KEEP WRITING, you have talent.





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Review of My Runaway  
Review by njames51
Rated: E | (5.0)

Sorry this review is arriving so late, Sam.

Sam,
I must admit that I only do reviews of poetry. I am not an expert, yet poetry has been a life-long passion - so I felt comfortable helping others and giving them encouragement and praise.

But, I must say, I thoroughly enjoyed this brief glimpse into your life (or the character's life). I'm assuming this is autobiographical. If so, then I applaud you for having the courage and tenacity to plunge head-on into days and months that must be difficult (even now) to process and make peace within yourself about.

My main, pleasant surprise involves two areas:

Your writing is straight on, your language is without cliche, your sentence choices are deliberate, planned and molded in a stuningly good way. You don't haphazardly throw in "filler" sentences replete with "poor me", or just plop sentences or phrases in the story because you feel you need to do so. Every line serves to move the story along, in a way that makes the reader WANTING more. I want to read more. I have a qenuine interest in that seven year old. This line also peaks my interest:

"Inside all of us there is a restlessness, a sense that things should be different somehow. This feeling will not go away, nor will it ever be satisfied. There is just the trying, then after that, the trying again."

I like that you throw in some interpreted, objective bits for the reader to ponder.


The second area is:


Your wit. The natural reaction of a reader is that this is going to be depressing, just down right depressing. You begin with the statement that you first tried to kill yourself at age 7. That makes us gasp with images of the story to come. Yet, you surprise us throughout the piece by making jokes, by laughing at the circumstances, or relating the "joy" of sitting next to a wacko on a bus. You entertain us by detailing the "rules" of your first "hostel or bunk." I couldn't stop from laughing. Your eye is sharp in your descriptives of those around you.....and in general, the witty content of the tale makes us forget that Suicide was attempted, pills were taken for a specific purpose. You are able to joke about that, but underneath, I think the reader becomes invested in YOUR survival (you relate this in the First person).

A wonderful job. Highly recommended. And kudos to you for using your natural writing talent to open the world YOU know, and all YOU have experienced.

Great job........KEEP WRITING!!!





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Review by njames51
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Newbie -I guess you are.

Overal I like the piece, describes one moment in time, visual, articulate, the rhymes don't seem forced. The reader can understand what's happening. A few suggestions about words, cutting word..etx.

First line I'd cut "again.

The first line of the next standza "I sigh through my rancor"....i don't qet get and I'm sure many readers wil stop on that line wondering, whta does "sigh" have to do with "rancor?" Rancor is a brittle, hard word, nd my want to re-think that line.

Altogether, a nice piece.



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Review by njames51
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)

Maeshall - I loved reading this aloud, it was so 'on', so there, in your face, emotional, angry. And using 'f***er' was perfect in this piece. Great lines:

"I used to pretend to be poor.

Isn’t my minivan a kind of coffin?
Can’t a guy who earns a salary
Wax poetic?

f***er, I used to be alive too, you know."

Excellent piece!

KEEP WRITING!


Nancy


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67
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Review of I Have Walked  
Review by njames51
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
A wonderful piece. This so much reminds me of my own thinking at your age. I love the phrase "I have walked". It leads beautifully into each line, and each descriptive thought. The connection between the phrase "I have walked", and the following declaratives such as:

I have walked, and realized
I have walked, and wondered.
I have walked and realized.
I have walked and discovered.......etc.

These transitions are terrific, and lead the reader to a discovery (with you) of all you have learned about yourself and your imaginings.

Some favorite lines:

"And realized how much is still hidden from me, even though so much of my time is spent here."

"I have walked quickly though this world, ducking my head to avoid the curious looks from passers by..."

"I have walked among the people who populate the vast lands I’ve created, marveling at the lives they lead."

So many of these lines are quite good. I admit I had to get used to the way the piece was formatted. I think this could be improved. I would break the lines more, so the phrases have more impact. Example:

"I have walked among the people
who populate the vast lands I’ve created,
marveling at the lives they lead
And wondered who they really are,
although they are the people I know best."

This makes for a longer piece, line wise, but serves to improve the reading, and the impact. You might want to have someone help you edit the line format.

But, altogether, I loved this! Good job!

Keep Writing"
68
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Review of Hard Candy  
Review by njames51
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very nice! I liked this alot. The whimsy of it carries the piece, even though the rhyme is pretty simple. The meter and rhythm is good, thought the last line falls flat and messes up the meter. But overall, it serves the point well. In the future, just be aware of pedestrian or simple rhyme: sweet - teeth; tough - huff; head - bed. These are too simple and too easy. There's a big book of language out there, and many more expressive clever rhyming opportunities.

Keep writing!

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Review of Seasons  
Review by njames51
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very nice. I thought at first this was going to be quite lame, because the beginning rhyme seemed so easy. But, you certainly captured me in the third stanza, and the ending stanza is beautiful and ties the piece up nicely. I also was left with a sense of melancholy, so I think the piece made it's mark. There are some lines which could use some tightening, but for me, since it left an emotional impression, it did it's job.

Very nice. keep writing!

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Review of A spark of life  
Review by njames51
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very nice. The meter and rhythm are great here, and the piece flows nicely. I might have wished for some more stanzas before the final one, but I still like this. It is wistful and sad, and leaves the reader moved.
Nice job!
Keep Writing!

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Review of Chameleon  
Review by njames51
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like the beginning of this alot. I like the first two stanzas. Also I love the last stanza. After the third stanza, though, it tends to get caught in simple rhyme, which is too convenient. Rhyme such as: sleep = peep.....slumber = asunder.....just drags this down.

But, since you say this is simple verse, then I have to agree. I think for it's purpose it is fine, but I'm sure you can work on some of the middle stanzas to deepen their impact.

Keep Writing!

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Review of Rescue Me  
Review by njames51
Rated: E | (4.5)
Another good piece of writing. The stanzas flow nicely, the imagery is good. The rhythm and meter are consistent throughout the piece. The content of emotion is evident, and your desperation is clear. The sense of reaching out to God when we are lost is an age old habit. But, you've made it such a personal plea.

Tear down the walls around me.
Draw me from my shell.
Lift me from the darkness,
And save me from myself.

A very insightful, personal plea to the One who loves you!

Nicely done!

KEEP WRITING!

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Review of Barabas  
Review by njames51
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very nice. I had thought this might be rather depressing, but instead found it hopeful and forgiving. The nature of that figure in history is not often discussed, and rather forgotten. Yet, you have made him a real figure of a man. The stanzas are well done and I don't find any awkward forced rhymes.

We have a lot in common,
Barabas, you and I,
Though oceans separate us
And centuries divide.
A bond was forged between us
As He hung upon that tree,
For on the day He took your place,
He also died for me.

That is a good example of empathy of the human form, rather than accusatory condemnation.

You've done a fine job with this, and can understand why you received a first place merit badge!

A wonderful job!

KEEP WRITING!


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Review by njames51
Rated: E | (4.0)
I'm not an expert on Haiku, but I do like these. I think, rather the entire selection could be read as one piece. I don't think you need to put the "*based on....." following the excerpts. It's not needed. Altogether an interesting choice of language to illustrate a theme. Work on this some more as a long free verse piece, and clarify somewhat the meanings to help the reader. But, I do like it!

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Review by njames51
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a good idea for a poem, and you have tried to execute it well. However, if you read the piece out loud, you will hear where the lines are awkward at times, or the rhyme is forced. It's important to have a syllable count which is fluid. There are many spots where you need to chop some words.

Remember that less is more. Don't be afraid to cut words or change words. Get rid of any unnecessary words.

An example for stanza #1: Line #4 is awkward.....the word "corralling" is strange there. I would re-write that line. The last line in that stanza: "That should matter to us not".....OUCH! That is very awkward. That is just a bad phrase. I'm sure you can re-write that and find a better line.

Stanza #2:

Line #2: Awkward...it does not make sense.
Line #4: This is too long, words need to be chopped.

Stanza #3: The last line is too long, and needs to be re-written.

You can see by these suggestions, that there are some lines that could use re-vision. However the bulk of the piece is fine. I think the idea is great, it's only in the execution, that you should consider changes.

Do not be discouraged - all writers continually chop words, throw out lines, tweek stanzas until they have a "sense" that the piece reads well.

Continue to work on this, and remember to KEEP WRITING!

Good job!

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