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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/njames51/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/6
Review Requests: OFF
340 Public Reviews Given
364 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am pretty easy going. I don't want to bash your poem. I look for rhythm, color, formatting, form, meter, style, imagery. I look, I listen. I appreciate. For more go to my Poetry Review Forum #1399834 or find it in the Review Forum List.
I'm good at...
Encouragement, helping you when you need it. Suggesting better words or lines, and challenging you to do better and not settle for boring words, lines or writing crap.
Favorite Genres
Poetry - all types but especially free verse.
Public Reviews
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126
126
Review by njames51
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very cute......I liked it! Sweet...

Actually the words are pretty good.....I just see the choppiness in how you have the lines formatted (and you need to cut some of the excess words).

I love that line......"To the moon and back"...

I can see why your girlfriend wants us to read this.....it's very sweet.

Polish it up some more.......GOOD JOB!
127
127
Review by njames51
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Well, of course, Bill Maher is correct in his interpretation, because he equates Religion/beliefs with UN-scientific, Un-proven, ideas.

That is correct. Religious "facts" are not proven....they have no statistical basis.....no body of evidence to publish in "fact-based" scientific journals.

But, it is a null argument.

Spiritual beliefs are rooted in FAITH.....not on evidence. It's comical for him to even attempt a comparison of "scientific" thought with "spiritual" thought.

That comparison has been tried for decades. How can one "justify" or "prove" a spiritual belief? One cannot.

"Faith" has no basis - it is FAITH......duh.

He's trying to compare a rock with flight.

There is a basis for a rock...it is solid mass.

"Flight" is ethereal.......it can be "explained", I suppose; but, actually......the flight of a bird is just flight!

A better analogy is comparing a "rock" with "wind"....we know there is a "rock"......but we have faith in "wind". It cannot be seen......it just "is".

I laugh at folks like Bill Maher.......jumbling up their brains attempting to "get a hold of" spiritual belief/thought.

That thought/belief is as ethereal as the wind.....and as freeing as flight!

Good luck, Bill Maher.......keep trying.
128
128
Review by njames51
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is good.

You have alot of slicing emotional content here. I can feel it! Pain.....bitterness seeping like blood from an untreated wound......anger that shreds and scatters like a nail piercing wood.

A couple of suggestions:

"I was ambushed in the dark by those
Because of whom I thought, I was protected!"

This sounds awkward....."because of whom I thought".....you need to change that...

Better:

"With whom I thought I was protected"....."By whom I felt protected".....something like that.

"Wounded, we find solace".......change this to: "Wounded, I find solace" (Back to the "I" voice).

"I embraced someone when I came out from the dark
But he drove a dagger straight through my heart!"

Change this.....you're suddenly talking about "someone" and "he"....before you were talking about "them"....."friends" (plural).

Better:

"I embraced THEM when I came out from the dark,
But THEY drove a dagger straight through my heart!"


"Imagine the pain of a thousand needles poked
When you are unable to move, completely choked!"

Take out the word "choked".......you've suddenly got a rhyme going...and it sounds funny in the middle of a non-rhyming poem. Replace it with a different word.



Lines I loved:

"I narrate my own death
At the hands of my own friends"


"I burn in the flames of a fire
That is colder than the snow itself"



Very good job! Strong emotion.

GOOD JOB! KEEP WRITING!

Remember: KEEP THE BEST - REVISE THE REST!
129
129
Review of The Unspoken  
Review by njames51
Rated: E | (2.5)
Well, I didn't really understand this...so I'm sure you can expand on it.

Problems:

"The unspoken, was once awoken".
I haven't a clue what this means. You are talking about "the unspoken".

Then...you are talking about "he"
"he did not have much to say....he spoke in a whisper, almost a choke". Sounds like you're trying to rhyme "choke" with "awoke". It doesn't work.

"Fire fuels freedom, heavenly is hell"
I don't get this either...."heavenly is hell?"

The next line, I don't understand either.

Then you switch to the "I" mode.
Then you say "By divine revelation I knew...what had been true"......sounds like you're trying to rhyme "knew" and "true"......and just kind of found those words.
"Everything was ok...the day was saved...God died today"...again looking for words that would rhyme.

"By divine revelation...I knew....God died today..."

How can you have divine revelation if God is dead?

Basically, what I'm saying is...you've switched from "the unspoken"....to "he"......to "I" within 6 lines.

You're a good writer, but, you must be clear about your topic, your emotion, what you're trying to say.
Words are not just words to be put in a line of verse.

They must complete a thought....reflect an emotion....describe a mood.......and make sense.

Always help your reader understand!

I think you should ponder what, exactly, you want to say with this poem.....and work on it...re-vise it....re-vise it again......read it OUT LOUD twenty times......and then re-vise each line again.

And then come back here and post it for review again.

I'll be very interested in reading it again.

KEEP WRITING! NEVER STOP!

Remember: KEEP THE BEST - REVISE THE REST!
130
130
Review by njames51
Rated: E
I liked it! Congratulations!

You wrote something that held my interest, and made me want to finish it. It flowed well. The thoughts conveyed were sharp and and crisp, without being muddled with too many words. The poem was brief, consise, and had an expected journey.

I think you did very well! The use of less to convey more, is difficult to accept. Writers like to pontificate with excess verbage....and they get swallowed up by so many words.

I think you chose your words well, and expressed your idea in a sharp, crisp, use of lines. Excellent job!

Keep on writing!
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