|Well, I didn't really understand this...so I'm sure you can expand on it.
"The unspoken, was once awoken".
I haven't a clue what this means. You are talking about "the unspoken".
Then...you are talking about "he"
"he did not have much to say....he spoke in a whisper, almost a choke". Sounds like you're trying to rhyme "choke" with "awoke". It doesn't work.
"Fire fuels freedom, heavenly is hell"
I don't get this either...."heavenly is hell?"
The next line, I don't understand either.
Then you switch to the "I" mode.
Then you say "By divine revelation I knew...what had been true"......sounds like you're trying to rhyme "knew" and "true"......and just kind of found those words.
"Everything was ok...the day was saved...God died today"...again looking for words that would rhyme.
"By divine revelation...I knew....God died today..."
How can you have divine revelation if God is dead?
Basically, what I'm saying is...you've switched from "the unspoken"....to "he"......to "I" within 6 lines.
You're a good writer, but, you must be clear about your topic, your emotion, what you're trying to say.
Words are not just words to be put in a line of verse.
They must complete a thought....reflect an emotion....describe a mood.......and make sense.
Always help your reader understand!
I think you should ponder what, exactly, you want to say with this poem.....and work on it...re-vise it....re-vise it again......read it OUT LOUD twenty times......and then re-vise each line again.
And then come back here and post it for review again.
I'll be very interested in reading it again.
KEEP WRITING! NEVER STOP!
Remember: KEEP THE BEST - REVISE THE REST!