Pheonix,
The words are so obviously from your heart--this brought me to tears. I am so sorry about the loss of your uncle, especially in such a senseless manner.
My wish is that those who read this poem walk away thinking twice (or more!) before driving while intoxicated.
This touched me deeply, thank you for sharing it.
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Lisa,
This is excellant!
You asked me to review the first chapter not very long ago, so this caught my eye.
Nice flow in the continuation. I like the fact that the readers will get both sides of the story.
I found nothing to comment on.
Wonderful job!
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Omega,
I love this!
I especially like the comparison of the tree in winter and the old woman's life--the cycle of the seasons and of our lives.
I feel this is well written and flows nicely.
I enjoyed reading it!
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Purplefocus,
This is gorgeous! Ah, to be kissed like that!
You use of imagery intensifies the feeling of this poem. I like that!
Thanks for sharing--I enjoyed reading this!
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DesertRose,
Very nice!
I like the honesty of this poem. It is straightforward and doesn't leave me wondering what you meant.
Very well written!
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Matthew,
Wow! This is a powerful story!
It grabbed me from the first word and held on tight to the last.
This piece was plugged on the Sing Someone's Praises page. Someone obviously knew a good story when they saw it!
My only comment:
When quoting the lyrics, center them and put them in italics. This will set them off even better than quotations.
Great work!
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Harddrive,
This is a beautiful follow-up to the first part!
It answers any questions your readers might have been left with.
This piece was also listed on the Sing Someone's Praises page. I'm glad that these were included!
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Harddrive,
A very touching story! This deserves 5 stars!
Not a thing out of place. It reads wonderfully!
This, by the way, was plugged on the Sing Someone's Praises page. It is a page on which someone plugs work that has moved them in some way. I can see why this was chosen!
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jetrepair,
This is a well-written and powerful piece. You have laid out your case in a conversational tone--I like that.
A few comments: ...was the only recourse available to me (God only knows why.)
Place the period on the outside of the parentheses.
The problem *lie...
"Lay" rather than "lie."
(...what her wishes might be, however.)
Again, place the period on the outside of the parentheses.
"the residence of the accused"
This works fine. However, don't use it in back-to-back sentences. It comes across as repetitive. Try something else in one sentence or the other.
As I mentioned, I really like the style of this piece!
Keep up the good work!
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Vivian,
What a great story! I was engrossed from beginning to end!
The dreams and the storms added a great deal to the suspense.
I really enjoyed reading this!
Excellant!
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Brian,
This is a very nice beginning to your novel!
My comments:
The opening paragraph is great! It captures the reader's interest and is well written. Good work!
The mystery man is an intriguing character. You give the reader just enough info to keep them curious and to have him in their mind while reading.
Good character development on Karen. She seems so real and your readers will be able to identify with her and empathize with her.
The trasitions between scenes is smooth and natural. The reader will know there is a transition without feeling like it hit them on the head.
"two-storey" should be "two-story" (unless you want the British feel)
You got to drink last time.
and Damn alcohol.
These are thoughts of Karen's and should be in italics so that your readers will realize that these are set apart.
This was a delight to read! Great work!
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Harry,
This is very powerful! I like the way you set up most of the poem with the vivid example of the cat, using only the last stanza and couplet on your point about man. Very clever!
An excellant poem--and yes, it does cause one to think.
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Karumi,
This is short, sweet and paints a word picture that I can envision. In just four short lines, you have shown a lot!
Very nice work!
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Darla,
This could be a really intriguing tale with a little work.(Don't worry. We, as writers, are forever working on our pieces! ** Image ID #confused Unavailable ** )
To make this flow better, add detail. Who is Lydia? Describe her. Describe her house, especially the kitchen since this is where the better part of the story takes place. This will draw your readers into the story and keep them interested.
Give us more info on Bar-Bar. How did he come to be? how did Lydia first meet this strange creature? What is his purpose? And of course, describe him in detail.
Look hard at each sentence. Read it aloud. Does it make sense? Does it say exactly what you want it to? Make every word count.
A few examples:
Once again, she got quickly dressed with the usual gear and went downstairs. She heard where the boom had come from the kitchen...again.
Try something along the lines of: She quickly pulled on her robe again and made her way downstairs. She knew where the noise had come from...the kitchen.
Do you see the difference?
But Lydia saw her own brilliant green eyes that everything was not fine.
But Lydia saw that everything was not fine. (In some cases, you don't need all the extra description. A simple sentence will make your point.)
The muddy brown jars that *were neatly in their own place were scattered..{/c]
Perhaps "had been" rather than "were." "Were" leads the reader to think that the jars are still in place, whereas "had been" clues them into the fact that something has taken place.
Just work on this some more and you will have a polished piece that readers will enjoy!
Keep writing!
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Sarah,
A good poll. This should make us step back and take an honest look at ourselves as writers.
I feel my work is good. But I always feel there is room for improvement. That's where honest reviews come in handy. Other writers (and readers) aren't as close to what I write as I am. They are able to pick up on things I've missed or areas that need clarification.
Thanks! I like to be made to think!
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A good question!
I've found that ratings ebb and flow. At the low times, I don't get as many readings and reviews as I'd like. But when it is busy, I have enough to keep me busy. Even then, as a a writer, I'd always love to have more!!
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Lisa,
This is well said!
My dearest friend's oldest is much like your son. He was the teenager that wore black and listened to thrash metal. (Oh and the bass thing! (e:laugh}That too!) His tongue is pierced and he likes to talk about dark things.
But, if one watches him closely enough, they can see the beautiful heart that beats in his chest.
He is in his 30's now and to be a father in August. He'll make a great one!
This is what your words have brought to me. Watching Jody grow up.
From what you've written, I'd say your son is showing his beautiful heart too!
Thanks for sharing this!
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Incurable,
Thanks for this!
Should I ever find my special partner in life, I will think of this piece. (And more than likely have him read it too! )
It is nice to know that there are still romance left in this world. I seem to see so little of it in evidence anymore. This lifts my spirit!
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Lea,
This is a delightful story! It is written in such a way that children, as well as adults, can enjoy it.
One comment: "My house is made of rose *of petals, and the morning dew holds them together so well,"
You don't need the second "of." Other than that tiny thing, I love this sentence! It is so sweet and so visual. It makes me want to peer into my rose bushes looking for fairy houses!
I feel you did a wonderful job with this piece.
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Beholden,
Nice, very nice.
I like the contrast of the beautiful word picture of each stanza followed by the question. I feel this causes the reader to pause a moment and reflect on the words they've just read. I know I did!
Wonderful work!
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Stephani,
I can relate to this poem so well!
I just turned 41 and I still have to deal with these issues from my mother. Sheesh!
My only comment is to capitalize Bubblicious because it is a brand name.
This piece speaks volumes. I like the way you wrote this piece! Very strong in emotion.
Bravo!
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