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376
376
Rated: E | (4.0)
Frank,
This is a heartwarming story that touches on more than the death of a pet. I liked the dialog between Tyler and Grandpa. I brought them to life and movd the story along.
I have a few comments:
Add an apostrophe on "fishin."

New paragraph beginning with "it took almost an hour to dig the hole big enough. This separates the thought from the previous sentences.

"We talked about a lot about a whole bunch of things(.) omit "sitting there talking and" and then begin a new sentence with "Sharing words were always the thing that bound my grandfather and I together." This will flow better.

"The deepest hurt comes from remembering all the things you wish you had done when we(you?) had the chance. All the games of fetch you wish you could go back and play." Great line! So much wisdom here--a lesson in life.

This is a touching story that shows how the death of something we love can bring people even closer.
Nice work!
~Nikola
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377
377
Review of The Gate Shift  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Natsplatt,
Have a bad day at the theater, did we? *Smile*
Having worked with the public myself, I can relate to a lot of this. You have a bit of comic bite to this that I bet you could work with and have a very funny piece.
I have some comments for you:

Unless someone is actually doing dialog, there is no reason to begin every paragraph with quotation marks.

"Take this one guy for example, despite *me telling..." (I would drop the "me".)

Capitalize "Eleven" in Ocean's Eleven.

Either capitalize (I would) or don't capitalize the screens and their numbers (Screen Seven).

"Don't whinge!" (Do you mean whine?)

"boringest" should be "most boring"

"I had a customer stand and talk to me for *half-hour today" ("a" in front of half-hour)

"But we got chatting about the movie..." (Try "got to chatting" or better yet "started chatting")

I feel that if you polish this a bit you will have a really great comedic piece that a lot of people can relate with!
Keep up the great work!
~Nikola
378
378
Rated: E | (4.0)
Harry,
I like this. It causes the reader to think about their own circumstances and the potential they have in spite of them.
I have a few comments. These are only my opinion. Read this again with my suggestions and see if it makes a positive difference to you. It's your work and I understand how personal it is.
Here is what I feel:

In the first stanza:
I would put a period at the end of the second line. These first two lines read like a complete thought.

Drop the comma on the end of the fourht line. Too many commas will chop up your piece.

Add a period at the end of the sixth line. And then drop the "and" on the next.
Also, put a period at the end of the eighth line.

Stanza 2:
Delete the comma after the word "plain."
I would also put a period after "killing."

Stanza 3:
Put a period after "domain."
Begin the next sentence with "yet" instead of "but."
Insert a period after "that might transport him back."

I really feel this would make this read better. You have done a wonderful job with your words.
A great, thought-provoking work!
Keep it up!
~Nikola

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