Hello!
Welcome to Writing.Com! I had the pleasure of reading your work, and I am offering you this review in the spirit of support and encouragement.
My Initial Thoughts~ This is a bit of a dark look into the future of the youth. Although I am personally more optimistic about aging, I rather enjoyed this short poem!
Suggestions~ In the line below, the last comma should follow "hope" instead of "and": of years younger full of love, hope and, grace
Because "their" and "they" are plural, I suggest adding an 's' at the end of "disgrace" and "face" to make them plural as well: the bed pan reminds them of their disgrace
and all they can do is turn their wrinkled face.
What I Like About Your Unique Writing~
It's interesting how you begin this piece with a rather upbeat and pleasant image of a beautiful day. Then, the poem takes a turn with the image of young people growing old with fragile bones, wrinkled and bed ridden. A sad, but true fact of life- which is why I like to enjoy every moment of the time and good health given to me. Life is a gift- and so is writing- so Keep writing!!!!!
Great job! Write On!
The pain behind this poem is evident. It spoke volumes to me about tragedy and sorrow. The rhyme and flow of the poem lends to a smooth read.
Perhaps this line: but wonder why. might read with a bit more emphasis if you placed "why" in italics and ended it with a question mark to denote an internal thought:
but wonder why?
You are the best judge of your own work; I like the way it reads as is, but I thought I'd mention the suggestion in case you might agree. I hope you find Writing.Com a welcoming place to house your writings.
Hi Cultural_Fusion, I am Noelle ~ TY Anon!.
Welcome to Writing.Com! I have had the pleasure of reading your work, and I am offering you this review in the spirit of support and encouragement.
My initial Thoughts~
A very interesting and philosophical look at creating art!
My Suggestions~
I could be wrong, but it seems to me a comma after "bridge" would help the flow of this stanza: Crossing the bridge
I followed a path
What I Like About Your Writing{/s}:
Your poem is thought provoking, and It has an easy rhythm. My favorite stanza is: Encountered me
And found myself at home
I am a proud member of "The WDC Angel Army" [ASR].
I have to wipe off my keyboard to type this review because I've dribbled teardrops all over it. What a pull this story has had on my heartstrings. What an impact it has had on my own soul. My initial reaction is - Fantastic Story!
My Suggestions~
I am actually so excited to mention this to you. Nicki, I really think you should consider moving this line and make it your very first line: Tomorrow was the day she had chosen. April 11th. The day she would die.
Here are the reasons why:
- As your reader, while I think it is is well-crafted, I found the first paragraph as it stands uneventful. The information is all necessary, but as I read along about Marilyn's depression it became clear and predictable that she had chosen suicide as a way out. I knew this even before I read the line. So, why not give your reader the info right off the bat? Give them the nitty gritty and hook 'em with the heart-wrenching truth. Then, go on ahead and tell your reader about Marilyn's "last run" just like you have it. I think the first paragraph will mean more to your reader if they already know she's going to kill herself. It will bring about the sympathy your reader needs to have for this character. Here's what I'm suggesting:
Tomorrow was the day she had chosen. April 11th. The day she would die.
Marilyn Dreyfuss scowled as she pushed awkwardly through the exit door, twice bumping the frame with the bulky package in her arms. The walkway between the post office service entrance and the parked truck was flanked with lilac bushes in full bloom, and the air was infused with their sweet perfume. Once, spring had been her favorite season, but it was a long time since she noticed the earth's annual reawakening from its wintry slumber. Depression was a vacuum that sucked the joy out of anything that once stirred her soul. Years ago, it began to creep into her spirit, though she couldn't put her finger on the exact moment of its instigation. It may have been around the time her husband grew complacent with her as a roommate instead of a wife. Like a parasitic vine it lashed itself to every crevice of her soul, binding her to a joyless life, making her small frame feel unbearably heavy.
Entering her truck, an empty smile tightened her face. This was the final run, the last delivery she would ever make.
Ever since deciding to take her own life, her mood had improved....
So, what do you think? You know, it is well written the way it is, I just thought about the move, so why not mention it, right? Besides, I have "first lines" on my mind
2) You say earlier that Marilyn drives a 'truck', so this phrase confused me: Pulling the package from the car
3) I don't think this line is necessary: Many things happened simultaneously in the next three seconds that changed lives forever. I think your readers can figure this out on their own.
What I liked~
This was such a joy to read. I liked the foreshadowing of the end and Marilyin's awakening from her depression with the spring season's "reawakening from a wintry slumber". Clever!
I liked that she took up "collecting" sleeping pills- I thought it was a bold statement and symbolic of her resolve to end her life (sleep) instead of collect butterflies (life)- Nice metaphors!!
I loved that the baby's name is Mariposa, meaning 'butterfly', again symbolic of life Beautiful!
I loved that God wasn't a deaf God after all. I am so happy that Marilyn will be here tomorrow!!!!!
I commend you, Nicki for another creative work well done! Bravo!
Hi toonie! I am Noelle ~ TY Anon!!
Let me be one of the first to welcome you to Writing.com!
My initial Thoughts~
This is a scary letter to read, because to me it tells me the narrator has overwhelming emotions involving a lost sense of hope and feelings of helplessness. Depression is a curable disease and suicide is never the right answer. It hurts too many .
My Suggestions~
The contraction for "it is" requires an apostrophe (it's): Its so insane it makes me scream,
Its full of sadness, full of hate,
What I Like About Your Unique Writing~
I like your poetic style. These lines flow well and have a nice rhyme and rhythm: I fear what is in store for me,
Are all the stories true?
Is my soul to burn to ash or am I born anew?
The questions presented show a glimmer of hope for the soul's journey and a will to survive. That's what the reader wants to hear
I am a proud member of "The WDC Angel Army" [ASR]. Please check out this fun group for great support and friendship!
My Initial Reaction~
Wow, this is so good. It amazes me how you come up with a great idea for a story and make it into a true piece of artwork. I loved the plot- it was clear and executed with style, symbolism, and wonderful imagery.
What I liked~
All of it, but here's some things that really stood out! .
I LOVE your opening with the unmistakeable "ch-chink" sound of the subway. I like the word "lulled": CH-CHINK-CH-CHINK... The rhythm of the subway rattling down the cross town line lulled Jane into dark preoccupation. - I am on that subway with Jayna as I read this line!
This line reads so beautifully. Not only that, it is so symbolic with the color of blue on Jayna being brilliant in the drab, bland, world around her: His quiet voice cut through the din with surreal clarity. "That blue pops against all the shades of gray in here." Wonderful imagery! This is a great example of foreshadowing Jane's transformation from Jane to Jayna. The color is so symbolic. In fact, I love all of the color references you chose to symbolize Jane's world: the gray sky, the dimly lit coffee house. But, everytime you referred to Alex, he radiates a glow and has colorful paint splattered on his sneakers. Wonderful writing!
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation~
* I think you sould separate this line into 2 sentences by replacing the comma with a period. Both are complete thoughts (w/ a noun and a verb) so it at least needs a semicolon. However, I would suggest the period instead because the first clause is a statement and the second clause is a question: "There's a coffee shop across the way, can I buy you a cup?"
My Suggestions~
I have a few issues with this line: She wanted to be alone to reflect on his words, and excused herself to the restroom.
1) After the profound statements Alex just made, as a reader, I want to know something about what Jane thinks. While, it makes sense she wants to reflect on what he said, I think you should consider adding a "wow I can't believe he just said that" line before she excuses herself to reflect on it.
2) I think the line reads a bit awkward. I think it's the ", and excused herselft to the restroom" part that is giving me a pause. Technically, you don't need a comma before the and because there's no noun before the verb.
My Favorite Part~
My favorite part of all are these wonderfully written lines: A light behind them danced on the dense air and outlined Alex with a radiant glow. An intoxicating energy suddenly permeated the space around them, vibrating in Jane's head and erasing the room. His intense sapphire eyes became inky pools of knowledge, diffusing silent truth like a statue in a church. Mesmerized, Jane reveled under his spell. When Alex spoke, she swore his lips weren't moving.Perfect!
My Overall Thoughts~
I call front of the line at your first novel's book signing!!! This is just a small example of your amazing talent. It is brilliantly written- I just love the ending- JAYNA, YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Write On!
Noelle
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My first thougts~
What a beautiful poetic prayer! I was moved by the love that eminated from these words you have written- Well done!
What I got from your writing~
You message is well established.
Written in the first person, the narrator suffers emotional pain and seeks solace in the Lord: The salty mist cast shadows from my tears that fell today.
I'm all alone with so much pain. God, please send help my way.
Second, it seems to me the narrator finds strength in love through praying for her enemies and asking for God to show them His way: As I pray for those that hurt me,so their hate will turn to love,
Will your kindness then surround them, with your message from above? and And no longer will they hate me, or cause trouble anymore. They will find your peace and kindness, like they've never felt before.
My suggestions~
In
1) This phrase, "to great" should be too great: the pressure's all to great,
2) For this line, I suggest replacing the semi-colon with a question mark because you capitalized the first letter that began the second clause: Can you end this battle shortly; Can you fill their hearts with Love?
What I liked about the poem ~
Your poem has a nice flow and rhyming patterns throughout. I like the poem's message: Instead of seeking vengence or hiding from one's enemies- pray. Pray for God to help give you strength to endure the suffering caused by your enemies AND pray for your enemies to replace their hate with love. It's beautiful and powerful!
Write On! Noelle
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This is a lovely poem that tells a very sad story of a love lost forever. You've done a nice job evoking a sense of sympathy for your main character.
My main suggestion is to go through your poem, line by line, and match up your verb tenses so that they are consistent. There are numerous tense shifts throughout the poem, which can confuse your reader and destract from the flow of the piece. Here is an example from your poem: She looks at the stone,
Wishing he was there.
To keep the verbs in the present tense, consider changing "was there" to 'is there' OR change "looks" to 'looked' to match the second line which is in the past tense. Whichever you choose, past or present, will work well in the poem- it just should remain consistent throughout.
You are successful in giving your reader vivid images of the cemetary, her eyes, the rose, as well as of the man she loved. Great Job!
I loved this poem! You have an awesome flair for rhyming in a fun and coherent way that really works. You give your reader a joyful ride through this piece. I see no errors - at all - It is well crafted and simply delightful!
I have to say that I adore this poem! It is just precious. I like its rhythmic flow, and I like the creative look at nature, written in a form to charm children. It is absolutely delightful!
There were some areas where I found a few typos. Also, I added some suggestions, in the spirit of support, that I hope you find helpful.
1) I suggest leaving out the contraction for "has" used throughout the poem. In creative writing, it is suggested that we avoid using the perfect verb tenses whenever possible to smooth the flow and readability of the piece. These two lines are an example of where you've used the present perfect tense: She's bought the land to life again
She's waved her magic wand.
2) Also, in the first line mentioned above, there is a typo- instead of "bought the land to life" I believe you meant, 'brought the land to life'.
3) In this line, Sprinkled rain drops on there heads "there" should be their
4) Consider adding the word, 'the' before "world": It's all about world
5) Should this be "did [you] know" : But did know mother nature
6) should this be "up in [the] sky": moon up in sky
7) Should be 'used its magnetism': ' Then she use it magnetism
8) I suggest giving "god" a capital "G": You see, god in his wisdom,
9) I think "women's" should be single, 'woman's': Gave the world a women's touch,
I just love the imagry you offer your reader throughout this charming poem. I like how "mother nature" acts like a real mother "dressing the trees in green" and how she gets the flowers from their beds- too cute! Creative and Refreshing!
this is an interesting piece on the view, linking love to death; the view that there is a fine line between love and hate.
I do not see any errors. However, for me, I found it a bit distracting to read in italics- I just thought I'd mention it. I'd find it easier to read in regular font. Of course, this is just my opinion -
I liked the ending. It was dark in a way that had a nice, easy flow - Well done! Write On!
I am feeling very sad and hopeless after reading your poem. You have given your reader great sympathy for the narrator of this piece. The ending makes me wonder "what next" and "will another Guardian Angel come and take over the dead angel's duties?" I hope so!
I just found one typo here:
"im" should be "I'm" here: But im fighting all alone
Also, there is a bit of repetition, but I think it might help to add to the desparation in the voice of the piece.
I had the pleasure of reading your poem, and I just loved it! It is so powerful. You give your reader a feeling of sympathy for the bullies' victims. I liked how you switched around images of female and male victims. If I was a bully, I would be thinking twice about my actions after reading this poem- well done!
I have just a couple thoughts on how to make a strong piece even stronger!
Your final line is so great! It is just so powerful. However, I really think it would be an even stronger statement if you simply consider changing "the" to "a" after "I am": I am the person, just like you. I'd also add a semicolon after the line before it- So your final two lines would read like this:
I am the person who has feelings too;
I am a person, just like you.
Oh! I love this story It is humorous and descriptive, telling a complete story all in 55 words- Great job!
I have just one thought that I hope you find useful.
~~ As you know, when you are writing within the boundaries of only 55 words, every word must be chosen carefully. You could have one extra word available if you chose to keep only one of these two words since they are synonyms: One solitary
Good luck in the contest- it sounds like a winner to me! Write On!
Hi Ruffner!
This is awesome! I love what you are portraying here, that an intelligent mind craves knowledge and education is crucial for the future- well done!
I thought I should mention one line that gave me a pause: The depths of despair present in my intellect.
This line is a bit awkward because "depths of despair" denotes emotion and "intellect" refers to mental power, the opposite of emotion. Therefore, an emotion cannot exist in one's intellect. However, I understand that this is a form of poetry, and perhaps you were actually trying to personify intellect. I just thought I would give you my thoughts- but, you are the best judge of your own work .
I enjoyed reading your work and the message was clear, triggering great thought in your reader's mind.
Welcome to Writing.Com! I have read your poem, "Alone" and thought I'd share my thoughts on your work. I am writing this review with suggestions whcih I hope you find helpful!
To me, the poem seems to be an outlet for expression. There are no images, simply statements showing sadness and lonliness, depicting a deep depression.
I have just a couple suggestions:
1) There are two punctuation errors in this phrase: But no one knows whats really in my heart....
First, there should be an apostrophe in the conjunction what is= what's. Second, I suggest placing a comma after "heart" to add the needed pause for the flow of the line and also to separate the two clauses.
I hope the narrator finds peace, love, and happiness as all of us deserve~
I liked it! You succeeded in giving your reader wonderful images of flying dragons, beautiful and powerful, breathing fire... Great imagry- Very well written!!!
Your ending was just a little weak- I would have rather read more about the dragons- but overall, I really enjoyed this!
I have had the pleasure of reading your work. For me, it is a poem that describes such frustration and loss from a break up, but it ends with a sense of inner strength.
I have just a couple suggestions that I hope you find helpful. Keep in mind, my opinion is subjective and you are the best judge of your work
*** I think it would be grammatically correct if you changed "It" to 'You' here: It showed your true colors
** I am confused with the following line: Without telling us or asking our permission . Why do you write "us" when you begin the poem with "I"?
My Favorite Part~ I like the strength you show in the end- very powerful finish!!
Hi Lily Rose!
Welcome to Writing.com! I enjoyed reading your work. Your poem rang through for me as a tale of heart break and a loss of trust.
In the spirit of support, I am offering you the following suggestions. I hope you find them helpful, but my opinion is subjective- You are the best judge of your own work!
**You have applied a literary usage of repetition that works well in most parts of your poem. However, I found the repetition was just a bit overdone in some places, such as in lines 3 through 6, you have used the words 'trust' and/or 'trusted' in each line. These lines weren't so smooth to read through because of the repetition.
*** I was a bit confused at this line, All that remains is trust, because later you say "all that remains is nothing". I understood the poem to mean that there was no trust left after the relationship broke up. This gave me a pause to wonder how trust could still remain??
My Favorite line~ All that remains is shards,
shards of my hourglass heart I like the comparison of the heart to an hourglass- very creative!!
I enjoyed reading your work. I love optimistic endings. I noted quite a few grammatical errors. I don't want to discourage you at all- I want you to know that I really enjoyed it; I just think it needs a good proof reading for errors.
Just as an example, I will give you this section you have written: It's a Christian station. They're talking of happiness. My exposed ear is soaking in the thought of happiness, channeling the words into my head. He says, and I think to me, "You can only be as happy as the source of your happiness."
1) There is a tense shift here. You begin your story in the past tense, but you switch to the present with 'It's a Christian..." I suggest [It was a Christian...]
2)You start by saying "they were talking" then you switched to "He says" In the context of what you're writing here, I think you should be consistent with one or the other when referring to the radio station.
3)I think you should change [He says, and I think to me,] to [As if he was speaking to me, he said,...] because you have another tense shift with 'he says' and it does not flow well the way you have it written; it gives your reader a bit of a pause.
I hope you find this review helpful. If you proof read your story and make corrections, feel free to let me know. I will be happy to re-review and give you a higher rating.
Again, I do like your story. I enjoyed the images of the "happy" things in life- I found it refreshing!
Hi there! I am Noelle ~ TY Anon!!
Let me be one of the first to welcome you to Writing.com! I have had the pleasure of reading your work~
My initial Thoughts~ I always love a poem that tells a story. This one was an enjoyable, easy read that flowed nicely.
What I ‘Got' From Your Writing~
When I began the poem, I thought I was reading a tale about the narrator's first born child, and was tickled when I realized the 'baby' was a car! I liked the analogy! But the car was lost in a break up But, alas, she's mine no more
He kept her when he left
My Humble Opinion And Suggestions~ * I know it's a poem, but in my subjective opinion, this line gave me pause because I wondered if it was grammatically correct: She was my first car ever owned I think it would read better if you simply added the word, 'I' before 'ever'.
* I suggest replacing the comma between clauses with a semi-colon because they are two complete thoughts not separated with the word 'and': She was nimble. She was quick
What I Like About Your Unique Writing~ I like the rhyming patterns and flow of the poem. My favorite lines are these: She cruised by once with his new wife
The sight left me bereft. "Befeft" is such a great descriptive word!
I enjoyed reading your poem- Well done!
I am a proud member of "The WDC Angel Army" [ASR]. Please check out this fun group for great support and friendship! Tell Kiya that Noelle sent you!
If you happen to make further changes on your item that I have reviewed, please feel free to let me know and I would be happy to do a re-rate and re-review!
Wow, that is heavy (no pun intended!) I thoroughly enjoyed this poem, feeling the weight of the narrator's heavy heart ache. You've crafted it well with great images. It is an easy, smooth read. My favorite line of all is this fabulously written line: that my entire story is just a sentence in yours Well written! This line brings the whole poem full circle even before the heavy ending. Great job- Welcom to Writing.com and WRITE ON!
This sounds like a much needed and helpful guide!!
I just have one suggestion that I hope you find helpful. I suggest replacing the comma after 'job-hunting' with a semi-colon to separate the two clauses OR end the sentence with a period and begin a new snetence with 'It's': process of job-hunting, it`s a handbook for anyone seeking employment
Good luck with the rest of the book!! It sounds like you have a lot to offer job-hunters!
CONGRATULATIONS on your membership upgrade, Verbum Dragon!! And, WELCOME to this wonderful Site!!!!
I really enjoyed this piece you've written! Probably because I experienced the SAME anonymous gift after I joined the site. Isn't that awesome! There are groups of angels dedicated to gifting new, talented writers such upgrades. And, yes, there are also individuals who do the same- this is a place of kindness and encouragement- and I for one am glad you found it!
This was a great way to show your appreciation. I smiled for you throughout the entire piece !
I just have a few suggestions that I hope you will find helpful~
**I think you mean [An] unknown angel...: A unknown Angel
** I believe you left out the word 'to' before 'do' and I think there is an unecessary quotation mark before 'I' here: stemmed from having nothing else [to] do."I
**Unnecessary end quotation mark: Then I came across this site. I did the usual routine; name, e-mail, address, password etc."
**Just a tip: When authors on Writing.com want to show a thought, we put the thought initalics [use this tag before the thought, curly bracket {} with the letter 'i' inside; and after the thought, use curly brackets with '/i' inside - but without the single quote marks!] Here's your sentence I'm referring to: [What are you
smiling at, my wife wondered.] I would suggest writing it like this:
What are you
smiling at, my wife wondered.
I'm glad you feel welcome here on Writing.com! I enjoyed this tribute to the "unknown angel" - thank you so much for sharing it!!! My name is Noelle- feel free to email me if you have any questions about the site!
Hi there! I am Noelle ~ TY Anon!!
Let me be one of the first to welcome you to Writing.com! Writing is a passion of mine, and when I place my work on this site, it’s like putting my soul on display for all to view. I imagine it might be the same for you and all authors here on Writing.com. I have had the pleasure of reading your work, and I am offering you this review in the spirit of support and encouragement.
My initial Thoughts~
A nice, optimistic poem that tells a tale with a happy ending. Nice job!
My Humble Opinion And Suggestions~
**I'm thinking this line, My love life is not the best, might ring truer if you wrote "My love life has not been the best" because although the narrator has had trouble, you show that she finds true love and happiness. In my eye, as the reader, her love life looks pretty great!
**I suggest tightening it up a bit, especially this line: And once our lives settled down we took a trip to the baby store. I really like this line since it tells that your narrator's new love has created a precious child, I just think your poem would flow better if this line was split, dropping the second half to the next line.
What I Like About Your Unique Writing~ I love your optimism! It is a breath of fresh air My favorite part is know that every moment in life counted,
I made it all worthwhile.
I treated it like it amounted,
thank you so much for sharing your poem! Keep on writing!
I am a proud member of "The WDC Angel Army" [ASR]. Please check out this fun group for great support and friendship! Tell Kiya that Noelle sent you!
If you happen to make further changes on your item that I have reviewed, please feel free to let me know and I would be happy to do a re-rate and re-review!
Write On!
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In the line below, the last comma should follow "hope" instead of "and": 
Write On!
Write On!
Noelle
.
It is humorous and descriptive, telling a complete story all in 55 words- Great job!
My favorite part is know that every moment in life counted,