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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/nora1227
Review Requests: OFF
142 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I am a laid back and positive reviewer who will be honest about the good, the bad and the ugly.
I'm good at...
I am pretty good at helping you find the essence of what you want to say. Run on sentences are my pet peeve. Let's cut together.
Favorite Genres
Fiction, YA, Suspense, Horror, Sci-Fi, Articles, Opinion, Drama
Least Favorite Genres
Romance
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 ... Next
1
1
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi paileykristine ,

Welcome to Writing.com. I think you will find it to be a welcoming community, and like most things in life, you get out of it what you put into it.

Please remember a review is just one person's opinion. I'm an artist and I am used to receiving critiques and I value a good critique, but not all people share my love of impressionism. Some of them prefer abstract and some prefer the old Dutch masters.


THEME


I interpreted your poem as an allegory, or symbolic representation of something else, and the ending seemed to confirmed this. The theme is life and your happiness with what you have.


NOTES AND SUGGESTIONS

Allegories can be quite abstract, although yours is straight forward and you even summarize the idea at the end. I wonder if the poem would pull the reader in more if you removed the word "I" from every line and made it more abstract. The word I makes it personal and sometimes I relate to a piece of poetry better if I can imagine myself as the one experiencing it.

Your first eight lines that create a clear image. Do we need to be told it's a maple? They are helicopters after all. They drift down (good alliteration)
and around.

Leaving out "I"--

Swirling seedlings sweep
Encased in warmth,
The melody of the wind
Pulls me from the deep.

Rising, dancing

(This is active voice)

If you make the wind and the tree and everything else a subject it brings them to life, which I feel is what you're trying to do.

If they are the subjects they are creating action, which is always more interesting.

Instead of you inhaling essence perhaps the wind is streaming into you.

The knowledge is given to you.

You can leave out "I" by changing a few words around.

Humming the tune of the masterpiece
Conducted by the wind
Rustled in this tree

(I really liked this part)

If you keep the important words and leave out fillers like "as" and "then", especially in a short poem like this, the remaining words become MORE important and STRONGER.

MY CONCLUSIONS


The idea is great and you have used lots of nice descriptors. I would recommend that you eliminate unnecessary words and try to make your piece more concise and melodic. I noticed that some parts of your poem rhymed, while others didn't. I think I would use one method or the other, not both. Free verse is legitimate poetry.

There are many tools here at writing.com that can help you learn how to create better poetry. There are even free classes. I took one a couple years ago and learned a lot. Not all poems rhyme, but here is a resource that explains types of rhymes, https://literarydevices.net/rhyme-scheme/

And there is also "meter", which is a more difficult concept. You will get lots of results if you google METER and POEMS.

Good Luck with your writing. It is challenging but always fun.

Now, go write...and rewrite, and rewrite!

Nora *Bigsmile* }


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2
2
Review of You've Missed Me  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Reading this made me think of a lover I had once. He imagined a great love affair and he thought that I did too, when in reality my cold heart felt nothing for him. It's quite a poetic piece. Thanks for sharing it.


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3
3
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I enjoyed your story very much. The premise of an entire country being thrown back to another era 1000 years before is original and exciting! The references to current movies, politicians and people makes it more believable.

Your writing is excellent. I was bogged down a bit by some of the references to British history, because I'm not familiar with it, but overall, the pace and execution were stellar.

Thanks for sharing it with us! I'm giving you a ribbon of some kind because it's the best piece I've read here in a long time.

My Best,

Nora


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4
4
Review of Memories.  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi danni364 ,

You submitted a Review Request to me, so I am reviewing your story
 Memories.  (18+)
A brief chapter of my experience. The aim is to help others who can relate.
#2111382 by danni364
I don't accept all requests, only the ones that have interesting plots and potent possibilities. *Smile* I handle this kind of review in a different way than I do most of my reviews. I will note your strengths, but I will focus on your weaknesses. Please don't allow this to discourage you. I believe the author who requests a review through the writing.com system is searching for a more in-depth critique than the writer who randomly posts their work in a forum asking for a critique. I wouldn't bother to do the review if I didn't think the story was worthy of perfecting. In other words, this is not a fluff review, because you don't want one of those.

As always, remember a review is just one person's opinion. I'm an artist and I am used to receiving critiques and I value a good critique, but not all people share my love of impressionism. Some of them prefer abstract and some prefer the old Dutch masters.

THEME

Your theme is relationships, specifically the one you had with a boyfriend and you share an event that happened with the hope that it might help others.


CHARACTERS

Using first person, you introduce us to the person you were years ago and your boyfriend. You do a good job of developing them. We sense your helpless feeling and the uncaring and manipulative nature of the boyfriend.


SPECIFIC RECOMMENDATIONS-YOUR WORDS ARE IN BLUE AND MINE ARE IN RED


I don’t really know how to write this, but I figured, throughout my life, I’ve alwaaaayyyysss felt better writing stuff and getting it all out my system.
I wouldn’t add letters to a word for emphasis. It distracts the reader and interrupts flow.

I’m still major struggling with something that happened years ago.

So, I will do this, and hope it helps.


Here, instead of saying, “I will do this”, you should combine with your next paragraph, because they talk about the same object. Something along the order of: “So, I will share the story, because it could help someone else….”


I was asked to go for drinks with some people from work.

Top people.

Genuinely.

Some of thee best people I have ever met.


The four previous lines should be consolidated into a paragraph, as they represent one thought/idea.


This should have been a trigger point in my head, looking back. Cause I knew, without a doubt, this would cause problems.

Using “cause” as an abbreviation for the word ‘because’ might be OK in this instance, if you didn’t use the actual word “cause” in the same sentence.

I didn’t totally fear him at this point. He’d been mean before sure; thrown stuff at me during arguments, called me names, and sometimes he’d ignore me for weeks at a time. But he’d never been physically violent before.

Good opening sentence in this paragraph. It hints at what’s to come, while expressing your emotions.

I sat next to him and asked what he’d been doing, not really daring to tell him about my night yet or anything to do with me really. The atmosphere was still incredibly cold and uncomfortable, and I was worried I’d set a bad mood off.

Here you might describe the setting more. Did you sit with him on the couch or at the table? Instead of telling us the atmosphere was cold and uncomfortable, could you SHOW us? For example: “I shivered, and sat in the chair next to him. He glared at me and I saw rage in his eyes.”




MY CONCLUSIONS

CONCLUSION
You have piqued my interest and told a very real story, using first person point of view, about the dangers of drinking and hanging out with people who drink and do drugs. I think you’ve achieved your stated purpose, which was to tell the story and warn others to think twice about becoming involved with controlling men. Writing is cathartic too; it allows us to relive the experience and view it more dispassionately than we might otherwise.
I gave your story 3-1/2 stars. I think it could be improved with a bit of editing, but I like the narrative and how you take us from the nightclub back to your home. More descriptions of people and places might help draw the picture for us and make the scene more realistic.


My review is just my opinion. Your story is yours and only you know what you are trying to say. I hope you have found it helpful. If you have please review someone else's piece.

Now, go write...and rewrite, and rewrite!

Nora *Bigsmile* }





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5
5
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I do know, exactly what that is like and you have put it into words with eloquence. Now, if only we, you and I, could come up with some similes for this set of circumstances, because THEN we would have some drama in this poem. I can relate because I know exactly how this feels. How do we bring in another person, who has never experienced it, and explain it to them? Great job-- made me think.


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6
6
Review of Rocking Horse  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Good morning! I found a link to your story in a newsletter and was drawn to read it by an excerpt. I thoroughly enjoyed this fantasy piece written from the perspective of the rocking horse. Turning what would normally be a tragic life and death into a triumph is not easy, but you managed this extremely well. I seldome give five starts for any piece, but your story is exceptional. I hope to read more of your work.


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7
7
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I enjoyed this story very much. At the end I almost thought that perhaps Snowflake was trying to warn the neighborhood- was he led by the ghost of Walter's wife? Anyway, a well=written, cohesive and thoroughly modern horror tale that felt a bit like a Rod Sterling movie.


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8
8
Rated: E | (4.5)
WOW. You did an awesome job with this prompt. I was chuckling with every reference to all the seedy dark, gruff, cliched detective novels I've almost read. lol My favorite paragraph, although it was admittedly, a bit hard to choose, was this one: She was from the other side of the tracks. Had a coat that shone like the moon. Her collar was studded with diamonds - real ones, not that cheap costume stuff.

You're an excellent writer and I loved your dialogue.

Best,

Nora


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9
9
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Imram,

I received a review request from you and after reading the essay I decided to accept. I don't accept every request I receive, but this essay struck me as poignant and heartfelt. I also had a very strange feeling of deja vu as I read it, as if perhaps I had read it before or heard the words spoken, but I know I haven't. Then I realized I was relating to your piece on a very personal level. It could have been written by someone I know very well, and it seems as if it almost could have been written to me. So I read your letter five more times, trying to understand it, and every time I came away with something new.

I think your letter can be interpreted on many levels, which makes it ever so intriguing, yet also ambiguous.

I was especially drawn to this part:
The reality is that I don’t know anything other than my own feeling, which may also have been inferred due to circumstances, dilutions and apprehensions. The forceful acceptance of this reality is a very risky venture, especially to the one you had cherished to an extremely unorthodox level.

Who has not felt like this: that the only real thing we know is what we are feeling and that reality is fuzzy and out of our control, especially when our love for someone might be unrequited.

I am wondering if some of this was run through an on line translator, because some of the wording is a bit stiff.

For instance:

I hope you understand as maybe I didn’t understand myself and still in a metaphor..
a rebirth is needed but without closing all the chapters this transaction is impermeable..


Great job, Imram!

Best,

Nora




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10
10
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Ekant ,

Greetings Ekant! Welcoem to Writing.com. I am reviewing your story
 10 Symptoms Of A Boring Wife   (E)
Why a married life becomes mawkish and hell?
#2081783 by Ekant
Your piece caught my eye when I was on line recently. The title, especially drew me in, because really, who would not want to read about boring wives who make their husbands' lives hell? *Wink* As a wife myself, I was eager to gain insight into this distressing situation.

As always, remember a review is just one person's opinion. I'm an artist and I am used to receiving critiques and I value a good critique, but not all people share my love of impressionism. Some of them prefer abstract and some prefer the old Dutch masters.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* GENERAL THOUGHTS ON YOUR ESSAY *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

I thought your essay was going to be a bit tongue in cheek after I read the first few paragraphs. Number one was humorously titled: Reluctant During Sex-Time, and I assumed, wrongly, I'm afraid, that you might offer genuine tips on how to prevent the wife from being bored during sex. Alas, you did not and ended the first section with this mysterious paragraph: Husband need to lavish her with praise and encouragement and you eventually have a mutually satisfying sex-life. She may behave scurrilously if she is forced to have sex against her will. Husband tends to become a moron and married life a morbid with this type of partner.

I suspected you might be writing in another language and then dropping your text into a translator after reading a bit further. Words like "scurrilously" and phrases like "hygienic food" are rarely used in the English language and you seemed to arbitrarily omit articles in your sentences.

You wrote: However, if boredom creeps in unchecked, it will spoil your married life. This sentence is a good summary and if I were you I would consider using it as your opening sentence instead of the current one: There may be many signs of a boring wife that might have been faced by many of husbands, and are struggling a lot to get rid of those unpleasant situations. Why? Because the current sentence has confusing grammar and is ambiguous, leaving the reader to wonder if the husband should consider getting rid of the wife or the unpleasant situation. It's just a bit unclear, and unclear sentences cause the reader to hesitate, interrupting the flow of the narrative.

I was eager to read on when I saw the title of section two: "Unwilling To Try something New In The Kitchen". Who among us has not been mortified to arrive home after a nine hour day, make sure the kids are occupied, head for the kitchen and prepare a meal in less than thirty minutes that we hope will please our husband. Sometimes it's possible with the ingredients on hand but I know I have personally felt tremendous guilt when I didn't use my lunch hour to shop for fresh ingredients and peruse on line recipe sites in hopes of finding that one unique meal that would take our relationship to the next level.

So I have to agree that you nailed it with this summary: Maybe she is not a great cook, but let that not deter her from cooking scrumptious meals. Well said, my man. Okay, I am making an assumption here, and that assumption is that you are male. Still, I think I'm correct in the assumption. Please feel free to respond and correct me if I am wrong.

My dear Ekant, the further I read through your essay, the more I realized I was almost certainly reading marriage advice written by someone who had never been married. I feel strongly that if you had been married, your wife would have killed you, and you wouldn't have been alive to write about your vision of a perfect wife. (Just kidding- in a spirit similar to the one in which your piece was written.)

I found premise no. seven a bit disheartening: Not A Best Mom. I have to admit that I felt my throat tighten a bit as I envisioned what was in store in this paragraph. Would I be a candidate for child neglect too? The previous paragraphs had left me with a deep-seated feeling of uneasiness that perhaps I was performing at a sub-par level as a wife.

You hypothesize:
Every husband likes a wife who loves and cares for him. However, he wants her to be a loving and caring mother of their kids and work hard in their character building. When husband is out on official or business tour, wife is not capable of handling her children, nor is able to assist them in their home work.

A woman who fails to cultivate into her children family and social values, is not fit to be the best mom and guide. She is responsible to nurture and groom them from childhood to lay strong foundation for their bright future.


I was thankful to see that I only needed to assist them with homework and socialize them. I sighed with relief when I realized my awful meals would not hinder their growth.

Your directives speak volumes to me. I raise my hand to my eyes in my imagination and shout, "ENOUGH!" No husband in this day and age would ever expect the wife to be solely responsible for caring for the children. We all know that married couples raise their children together and a family is only as good as the team who leads it: the husband AND the wife; together.

This piece had me laughing and shaking my head at the same time. The beauty of your writing is that I almost took it seriously. I had reached the end before I came full circle and realized you were employing the ridiculous to write a farcical essay about the expectations husbands have when they marry.

I think you did a great great job and it's very entertaining! If not for the poor grammar throughout I would have given you four stars!

I would love to see you write a companion article entitled: Ten Reasons a Wife Should Leave Her Husband. You could discuss socks left on the floor, coming home late at night etc.

My review is just my opinion. Your story is yours and only you know what you are trying to say. I hope you have found it helpful. If you have please review someone else's piece.

Now, go write...and rewrite, and rewrite!

Nora *Bigsmile* }


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11
11
Review of At the Horizon  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Bianca Estrela ,

I am reviewing your story
At the Horizon  (E)
This is a short story based on a beach I used to visit when I was a kid.
#2080379 by Bianca Estrela


As always, remember a review is just one person's opinion. I'm an artist and I am used to receiving critiques and I value a good critique, but not all people share my love of impressionism. Some of them prefer abstract and some prefer the old Dutch masters.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* THEME *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

Your story describes a mother's grief, and how she reacts to the death of her daughter.


*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* CHARACTERS *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

Your place the mother on a beach, half a world away from where her daughter died. She is grieving and wants to escape the pain.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* CREATIVITY AND ORIGINALITY *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

Your descriptions of the beach and the people are good. We smell the ocean, hear the booming thunder of the waves and share the character's thoughts as she thinks of her daughter and what might have been. I felt a true empathy to her, and your writing created this feeling.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* PLOT AND PACING *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

Your pacing is excellent. I never felt the story drag.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* MY CONCLUSIONS *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

I enjoyed the story and I particularly liked the way you left the ending. The reader is left to decide what happened and it's a much better piece because of this.

My review is just my opinion. Your story is yours and only you know what you are trying to say. I hope you have found it helpful. If you have please review someone else's piece.

Now, go write...and rewrite, and rewrite!

Nora *Bigsmile* }


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12
12
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I was not expecting that ending.

Your dialogue is very realistic and you held my interest throughout. Your descriptions of place, both visual and using auditory AIDS, helped bring me into the story.

I don't know anything about the gangster way of life but everyone about this seemed so real.

I'm giving you five stars because there is not much I would change. The "price of doing business" is mentioned earlier and ends on an approprIately chilling note.

Good job and congrats on winning the contest!


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13
13
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi MelanKoliK Ben ,

I am reviewing your story
 Understanding the concept of beauty  (E)
Today we speak about beauty and if it is indeed in the eye of the beholder.
#2078139 by MelanKoliK Ben
I found your piece in the Requested Reviews Forum at WDC.

As always, remember a review is just one person's opinion. I'm an artist and I am used to receiving critiques and I value a good critique, but not all people share my love of impressionism. Some of them prefer abstract and some prefer the old Dutch masters.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* THEME *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

You have written a persuasive essay and the subject is beauty and how it is defined.


*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* TECHNICAL PROFICIENCY *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*
(such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading)


There were a few sentences that need some work. Please see MY CONCLUSIONS for more explanation.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* MY CONCLUSIONS *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*


YOUR WORDS ARE IN BLUE AND MINE ARE IN RED.
In paragraph one:
I would hesitate to start the essay out by using the word ‘beautiful’ to define beauty, because it is such a similar word. Instead I would use a synonym like lovely or attractive.
What one person can find ugly, another can find beauty. I would say this instead: What one person finds ugly, another might regard as beautiful.

Paragraph three:

Beauty can reveal itself in many objects just by observation or in the case of people, through conversation. You miss an opportunity to explain this sentence. How is beauty revealed through conversation? If you don’t explain, I would leave this sentence out.

There is beauty within complexity as it shows the dedication and commitment required for the creator for do you mean of? the beauty to be noticed subliminally among other things. There is beauty in simplicity as it shows a level of understanding from the creator that doesn't need sophistication to be explained and that sometimes the simplest things make the most sense. This sentence makes sense until you get to the word ‘explained’. I’m not sure the second half of the sentence is necessary and it doesn’t really help explain your position or the first part of the sentence. I would leave it out. I would start a new paragraph here. It just boils down to a person's preference. Different strokes for different folks. This is what makes beauty so beautifulcan you use another adjective instead of beautiful, which is too similar to beauty?
: its subjectivity.



Could you name the local brand below that did the study? It would strengthen your position if you could cite it.
For further proof that beauty is a subjective matter, a study done by a local brand revealed that 77% of people said that beauty can be found through a good attitude, a good spirit and other attributes that have nothing to do with physical appearance.

I myself have fallen victim to the needs of the flesh by preferring an attractive woman over what could be considered an average looking woman I would place a period here. not because of the normal woman being average but because the attractive woman appeals to me. But I do not think that have people (for lack of a better word) lust and want the business from you to be a good trait of beauty. I don't understand this sentence at all.

Paragraph five:

From my wasted point of view, most models look the goddamn same. Your wasted point of view? I don't understand.

Most people don't care on how a person looks so as long as the person they are looking for can cater to their needs.
Please check the grammar in this sentence. You could change it to read: Most people don't care as much about a person's appearance as they do about whether the person will cater to their needs.

In light of that, I feel that it is important to emphasize to people that beauty should not be and is not defined by weight, body structure, skin tone, white teeth, fashion sense and certainly not a surgical procedure. Physical beauty will fade over the fabric of time but true beauty (things like resolve, grit and determination) is timeless. This is a nice conclusion and summarizes your opinion about beauty.

In the end, all views have both their merits and flaws but the aim of the article was to further understand each ideology so that we can potentially see the view of the other side and also see the grey between the black and white. I'm not sure this is a good closing. When I read your essay I get the impression you are trying to persuade the reader to look for beauty inside a person. Could you state this as a summary near the end? Or am I completely off in my evaluation of your essay? What I really felt you were saying is: beauty lies within the eyes of the beholder and each of us has been conditioned to view one another with preconceptions that are reinforced by advertising and movies.

My conclusions are mine alone. Only you know what is correct for your own writing and what you are really trying to say. I think your essay could be improved greatly by coming right out and saying something like: I'm writing this essay from the viewpoint of an unattractive man, a man who feels that true beauty is found in qualities like resolve, grit and determination. If you used this as an opening sentence you would be setting up the rest of the essay to explain to the reader why you think this way.


My review is just my opinion. Your story is yours and only you know what you are trying to say. I hope you have found it helpful. If you have please review someone else's piece.

Now, go write...and rewrite, and rewrite!

Nora *Bigsmile* }


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14
14
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Well, this is a mooful and it certainly makes a bovine sort of sense, which is appropriate, isn't it?
15
15
Review of February 18 2014  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Unapologetic Poetess ,

I am reviewing your story
 February 18 2014  (E)
The night I learned my sister was sick (1356 Words)
#2074622 by Unapologetic Poetess


As always, remember a review is just one person's opinion. I'm an artist and I am used to receiving critiques and I value a good critique, but not all people share my love of impressionism. Some of them prefer abstract and some prefer the old Dutch masters.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* THEME *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

Your theme is death and illness and specifically, how you react when you receive news that your sister has leukemia.


*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* CREATIVITY AND ORIGINALITY *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

I liked your descriptions here. You have shown us, instead of telling, and I can hear her voice: But even in those words I heard a strange and slurred aloofness, and any buoyancy went out of me. It was a heavily medicated slur.


*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* PLOT AND PACING *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

This is an essay so there wasn't a clear beginning, middle and end. You begin with a memory of a single night. Then you move into the distant past when the first signs of illness might have occurred. The n you move into the recent past before you received the phone call. Finally you move to the actual phone call and that is where it gets interesting for me, althouhg I wished you had used actual dialogue instead of paraphrasing the conversation.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* TECHNICAL PROFICIENCY *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*
(such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading)

For the most part your grammar is good. I did find one incomplete sentence. Par. 2: That they exist in our behaviors.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* MY CONCLUSIONS *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*


I think you need a better opening paragraph. Your opening line is weak. Perhaps you might say: I remember the fear, I remember the despair I felt. Etc. Whenever possible be specific. Each word is important. Don’t waste any of them. Your opening paragraph is very important because the reader decides whether to keep reading after a few sentences, so you need to hold their interest. When you reduce the opening paragraph to one sentence it had better be an important one. The best opening line I can think of for this essay is: I remember the dread that filled me, spreading through my entire being like a dark cloud, the night I learned my older sister had leukemia.

I did not think paragraph eleven was necessary, and I had a hard time following it- even with the explanation, and I’m not sure it helps the essay. I would be more interested in hearing about a specific incident in your past that demonstrates how close you are to your sister.

Paragraph 12:
When you say this: And that makes me helpless, because all I can do is stand to the side and think of all the things that happen, all the things that change, if my sister is no longer here Here it would be good to be specific. Tell the reader what you are thinking might happen. It’s always more interesting to the reader if you can be specific.

I found myself wondering why she was being flown to the hospital and why she was alone. Why wasn’t someone with her? Where were her parents or her husband? Perhaps you could explain?

I have had a nephew and a niece diagnosed with leukemia. both when they were children. It's a terrible disease. One of them survived and one didn't. The pain never goes away and the experience of being in that hospital room day after day with them changes the parents and takes over their lives. But we have to be grateful that we do have treatment now. Not many years ago it was a death sentence when one received the diagnosis.


My review is just my opinion. Your story is yours and only you know what you are trying to say. I hope you have found it helpful. If you have please review someone else's piece.

Now, go write...and rewrite, and rewrite!

Nora *Bigsmile* }


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16
16
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi David,
I enjoyed your essay -- well it seemed to be a devotional really- very much. Welcome to WDC and I hope you'll create many more items in your portfolio. Writing is fun and educational and there are many groups available to help you navigate your way through this massive website, including a few spiritual ones. Here is a group I belong to and one I found helpful when I first joined:
GROUP
The Newbies Academy Group  (E)
Need assistance and guidance. Stop on by!
#1949660 by ~ Sisco ~ Back!

If we haven't faced trials, we don't appreciate smooth sailing, do we?
Best,
Nora


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi J-rod ,

I am reviewing your story
 Internal Affliction  (13+)
A creature that feasts upon lost souls has found another victim. A girl named Hope Summers
#2069109 by J-rod


As always, remember a review is just one person's opinion. I'm an artist and I am used to receiving critiques and I value a good critique, but not all people share my love of impressionism. Some of them prefer abstract and some prefer the old Dutch masters.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* THEME *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

Your theme is addiction and what it does to us. You present the addiction as an evil malevolent force-- an entity that wants to destroy the person it's inhabiting and I love that analogy. You did a wonderful job bringing the spirit to life.


*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* CHARACTERS *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

Your character is Hope, someone who encounters her addiction at the usual place we might find it. And the name is appropriate. Your other character is the addiction himself- who I won't name, so I don't spoil it for others. You add flesh to this character and lots of fangs that he digs into his victim.
This is my favorite paragraph, for it describes exactly what happens when we let addiciton control our lives:
A smirk creeped crept across my tapered face. This girl would find comfort in me. She would wake in the morning with the Ill content that I have saved her from a rather broken hearted and lonely night. I would feed into those lies. "You're not alone" I would say "find comfort in me" a whisper into her ear. I was going to control her every being. She would become my puppet and I, the master, with strings hooked into her flesh. From now on she really won't be alone, just a mindless meat bag controlled by a wicked ravenous monster.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* CREATIVITY AND ORIGINALITY *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

This is one of the most original pieces I have read here at writing.com. You really capture what it's like to have an addiction and what it does to one.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* TECHNICAL PROFICIENCY *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*
(such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading)

You switch tenses quite a bit, going form present to past and back again. I think it would be best to stick with the past tense on this one.
Here is one sentence I didn't understand: She would introduce me to all of her friends in a cheerful manner, though they were not returned. What is THEY in this sentence and what is not returned?

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* MY CONCLUSIONS *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

You've written an interesting and compelling story using an evil spirit to characterize an addiction to (spoiler alert) alcohol. The analogy is believable and you created an interesting short story using very few words. That's never easy to do.

My review is just my opinion. Your story is yours and only you know what you are trying to say. I hope you have found it helpful. If you have please review someone else's piece.

Now, go write...and rewrite, and rewrite!

Nora *Bigsmile* }


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18
18
Rated: E | (4.5)
I loved this poem. Thoughtful, bold and impassioned, it paints a realistic portrait of the American female who is the backbone of our country in times of war, and in times of peace. Great job- and I especially love poetry that rhymes. You did an awesome piece. Congratulations.


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19
19
Review of Dragons' Vale  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I was captivated by your story from beginning to end. Wonderful imagery and dialogue. Teagan is a compelling character and you succeeded in giving her a real 'voice'.


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20
20
Review of Delivery Failure  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear ashkay89

This is a powerful piece of writing. I want to welcome you to writing.com. It is a wonderful place to learn and interact with other writers. There are people writing at all levels here and there is always something going on to become involved in. the community is kind and supportive.

You have written an excellent and piece that tells a supremely sad story in just a few words. Congratulations! You obviously are a gifted writer. Keep up the good work!

Nora


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi ~QPdoll ,

I am reviewing your story
A Walk Down the Aisle  (E)
One ending, one beginning.
#675621 by ~QPdoll


Welcome to the Paper Doll Gang. I am attempting to review all the writers in the Academy and it's your turn! As always, remember a review is just one person's opinion. I'm an artist and I am used to receiving critiques and I value a good critique, but not all people share my love of impressionism. Some of them prefer abstract and some prefer the old Dutch masters.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* THEME *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

Your theme is definitely romance. I was unsure if this was a chapter of a larger piece or a stand alone piece. There didn't seem to be enough of a plot to be a stand alone piece.


*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* CHARACTERS *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

Your character is Janet and you use the third person limited point of view to describe the sanctuary and the wedding party members.


*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* PLOT AND PACING *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*


The pews were made somewhat comfortable for guests, with cushions, hand-made by church members.

The sentence above does nothing to move the story along, nor does it tell us anything we need to know about the ceremony. In short pieces especially it is necessary to whittle down the detail and get to the point. Cushions are not interesting. People are.

Michael was perched at the front of the sanctuary,

Birds perch. People who sit on stools might perch. A man waiting to get married might shift his weight from foot to foot uneasily, he might sweat profusely or he might be frozen with fear. He does not perch unless he is waiting to swoop.

Her own bouquet contained the same kind of roses, but was more regal than those of her bridesmaids.

When you make blanket statements like "more regal than others" you are not supplying helpful details. Different people have different idea about what makes bouquets look 'regal'. I have no idea what a regal bouquet would look like. I think king and queen when I think regal.

Before she realized it, her first journey was at an end. Once again, her father smiled, then gently kissed her cheek. He answered the pastor’s question, turned, and gave her hand to Michael. Her second journey had begun.

I would have loved to see some conversation in the piece and the sentence above offered the best opportunity for this. Dialogue draws the reader in and makes them feel like they are present much better than describing what things look like. If you had used dialogue to state what the pastor actually said you could have described what her father looked like and how his voice sounded etc. Using the five senses engages the reader on a deeper level.

You do prove that you can do this because in the second to last paragraph you give us nervousness, loud music, and heat! This was my favorite paragraph, because it helped me feel like I was right there with Janet:

With every step she took, her heart beat faster, her hands shook harder, and her lips quivered uncontrollably. The music was louder and the sanctuary hotter. Faces were everywhere, but she didn’t see them. If she didn’t concentrate, she would loose the rhythm with which she needed to continue her walk down the aisle.


*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* TECHNICAL PROFICIENCY *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*
(such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading)

If she didn’t concentrate, she would loose the rhythm

I think you mean 'lose' the rhythm.

You use a lot of adverbs ending in -ly, which makes prose hard to read and slows action. It is difficult to remove these words because we use them all the time when we talk, but in a story they become tedious.

Here is an example: Her stomach fluttered, and her hands shook. Her father quietly walked up and hugged her softly. He solemnly smiled at her, and his beautiful, green eyes soaked in the view of his radiant daughter. She smiled back, and twenty-seven years of memories passed between them as they stared at one another.


Here is one way to reword this paragraph and use ACTION verbs to involve the reader.

Janet's stomach fluttered and she grasped her bouquet tightly to prevent her hands from trembling. Her father approached and smiled as he pulled her into his arms. She closed her eyes for a moment as she relaxed into his embrace. When she tilted her head back and looked up at him her lips curved upward and her eyes sparkled. His green eyes crinkled at the corners as they exchanged an intimate look, each recalling the past twenty seven years. He squeezed her shoulders and her heart filled with intense happiness.

NOTE: Words like radiant and beautiful are subjective. It is best to avoid them and use specific, descriptive adjectives.


*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* MY CONCLUSIONS *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

There is a lot of telling in this piece. We are told what the bouquets look like, what the groomsmen are wearing, even down to whether a suit is single or double breasted. In short, there is a lot of tedious detail. When you tell about Andrea and the Halloween tale and the candy the writing improves. It's a nice story within a story and if you did that with each person you introduced, almost like she was looking at their faces and conjuring memories, your piece would be greatly improved, in my opinion.

My review is just my opinion. Your story is yours and only you know what you are trying to say. I hope you have found it helpful. If you have please review someone else's piece.

Now, go write...and rewrite, and rewrite!

Nora *Bigsmile* }


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22
22
Review of America  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Choconut 🤓 ,

I am reviewing your story
STATIC
America  (E)
Short story written about the subtle differences between US and UK - Prompt Me Musically
#2054707 by Choconut 🤓


Welcome to the Rockin' Review Academy, where reviews are always thoughtful and helpful! As always, remember a review is just one person's opinion. I'm an artist and I am used to receiving critiques and I value a good critique, but not all people share my love of impressionism. Some of them prefer abstract and some prefer the old Dutch masters.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* THEME *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

This is an essay that compares and contrasts the similarities and differences between the U.K. and the U.S. You use a conversation to explore a few of the differences, which is much more interesting than just reading a standard compare and contrast piece.


*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* CHARACTERS *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

Three generations: a grandmother, daughter and granddaughter, remember the grandfather, who was from the U.S. and you tie the memories up nicely.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* CREATIVITY AND ORIGINALITY *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

You have done an excellent job of defining differences between the countries through dialogue and I must add that your dialogue is entirely believable. Poppy talks like a little girl, with the excitement and childishness very evident in her voice.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* TECHNICAL PROFICIENCY *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*
(such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading)

I didn't see any grammar issues. Good job!

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* MY CONCLUSIONS *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

You've created an excellent slice of life story, where we feel as if we are present as the characters talk about Grampy and the way he mispronounced all his words! I enjoyed it very much. I do have to add that I say 'pen', not pin, and I have also always wondered why chicken and tuna salad sandwiches are described as salad. It's never made sense to me either. (By the way, I pronounce that last word 'eether'.) *Bigsmile*

My review is just my opinion. Your story is yours and only you know what you are trying to say. I hope you have found it helpful. If you have please review someone else's piece.

Now, go write...and rewrite, and rewrite!

Nora *Bigsmile* }


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23
23
Rated: E | (4.0)
I enjoyed reading your essay. I agree that the best friends are the ones you can trust to always tell the truth and they're always ready to go anywhere with you.
My best friends have tails and love to shower me with kisses when I come home. :)

I liked the analogy very much! Well said.


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24
24
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Patrece~So busy!!! ,

I am reviewing your story
STATIC
Grammy's Special Lil Man   (E)
A very special 3 year old. A writing of love, hope & challenge.
#1963227 by Patrece~So busy!!!


As always, remember a review is just one person's opinion. I'm an artist and I am used to receiving critiques and I value a good critique, but not all people share my love of impressionism. Some of them prefer abstract and some prefer the old Dutch masters.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* THEME *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

You have written an essay about your grandson and how he and you, as his sitter, cope with his disability.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* CREATIVITY AND ORIGINALITY *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

You share concrete examples of what must be done to keep your grandson calm and in the house by explaining his emotional need for his sippy cup and his proclivity for escape in easy to understand terms. I could picture the little guy trying to communicate and his frustration when he failed.

I have a brother who is on the spectrum and what you said about explaining things to them being very important is so true. I also appreciated the loving empathy you have for him. Your love for him shines through in this piece.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* MY CONCLUSIONS *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

You have done a wonderful job of explaining how one child's battle with autism is slowly being won. There are a few things you might have done to make the story more personal. For instance, you could have described his physical appearance. Does he have chubby cheeks and bright blue eyes, or maybe he is thin with dark eyes. When he is happy and content what does he look like? Is he smiling? One a bad day, when "he throws a temper tantrum" what exactly happens? Does he throw himself on the floor? Does he scream? The part about slapping himself and you was very telling and gives the reader a picture of what is going on. More of this description might bring us into the piece and help us feel what you are feeling when you are with him.

There's another avenue you don't talk about much: you're happy when he says a few words, but what kind of anguish do you feel when he has the tantrums and when you contemplate his future.

I admire you greatly for caring for him while your daughter works. I think it would be very difficult for him to receive the same quality of care even if she could find a place that would accept him into their program. If there's a Best Grandma Award here at writing.com I'm going to find it and give it to you!

My review is just my opinion. Your story is yours and only you know what you are trying to say. I hope you have found it helpful. If you have please review someone else's piece.

Now, go write...and rewrite, and rewrite!

Nora *Bigsmile* }


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25
25
Review of A TEXT-MESSAGE  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Geoff,
Reviewing
 
STATIC
A TEXT-MESSAGE  (13+)
Problem Solving Can Be Tricky. A Situational Existentialist Story.
#2049472 by Geoff
at your request....

It's almost like this man was blindfolded, dropped off the Starship Enterprise into a small town, twirled around to incite confusion, then let go with a communicator that Spock forgot to teach him how to use.

He is the ultimate clueless guy, stranded by his inability to cope with technology and make his own reservations, relying on others to take care of him. Intentionally or not, you created a man who may be in the early stages of dementia or a similar disease, and left him on the street to care for himself, with no explanation.

His interaction with the hotel clerk is a large part of the story so I tried to decipher what kind of information it gave us. We discover he has patience as he is willing to wait his turn, but he is subject to panic attacks, and he proceeds to have one when he is told there is no reservation. The reaction seems extreme, but by this point it almost seems like he is living in a bad dream, especially when (SPOLIER ALERT) he sits next to a wino and drinks with him. Then the news from his son about his wife is the final straw.

I wondered if he didn't have a break from reality at some point after learning something happened to his wife, and this dream situation was a reaction to it.

There are more questions in this story than answers, so while it was interesting to read it wasn't satisfying in the way a clearly plotted story with a definite beginning, middle and end might be. However, it did make me think about our phones and how dependent we have become on them to get through life.

Hope this review was helpful. Remember, a review is only one person's opinion and you may or may not agree with it. Only you know what is right for your story.

Have an awesome day and keep on writing-- I'll keep reading. *Bigsmile*

Nora

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