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142 Public Reviews Given
150 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am a laid back and positive reviewer who will be honest about the good, the bad and the ugly.
I'm good at...
I am pretty good at helping you find the essence of what you want to say. Run on sentences are my pet peeve. Let's cut together.
Favorite Genres
Fiction, YA, Suspense, Horror, Sci-Fi, Articles, Opinion, Drama
Least Favorite Genres
Romance
Public Reviews
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26
26
Review of Pillow Fight  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
We are reading a semi-melodramatic piece about high school lovers reunited at a funeral when we are thrown out of the story into another piece where the author of the melodrama is in the process of reading aloud to her friend, who decides the story is so corny he laughs until he cries.

Good one, Geoff! *Bigsmile*
27
27
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi L.D.R. },

I am reviewing your story
 Little One, Chapter Three  (13+)
A traumatized girl finds a home and forms an odd friendship with a lonely, selfless writer
#2050551 by L.D.R.


As always, remember a review is just one person's opinion. I'm an artist and I am used to receiving critiques and I value a good critique, but not all people share my love of impressionism. Some of them prefer abstract and some prefer the old Dutch masters. Where specific sentences are mentioned, yours are in red and any suggestions I make are in green.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* THEME *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

Your theme is suspense and we are drawn into the life of Amy, a child who experiences nightmares and who recalls being abandoned by her parents when she was very young.


*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* CHARACTERS *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

Amy is sleeping on the couch of her friend Anya, who is older and seems to be taking on a maternal role to care for the child. You begin with a nightmare and it's a strong beginning. I wondered how old Amy actually was. Her thoughts seemed to be those of an older child at times and at other times I received the impression she was five or six.


*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* PLOT AND PACING *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

Some of the text left me confused. I'm curious about what the difference is between a nightmare and a night terror, and why night terror is capitalized. But it's never explained.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* TECHNICAL PROFICIENCY *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*
(such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading)


You used the word 'thin' twice in the same sentence, which is also in your opening paragraph. Try to come up with a synonym.

In this sentence I am confused about what pulling softly away means. Perhaps wiggling out of reach? Try to find the right action verb for the situation; one that describes the action the best. Amy squirmed, mostly awake now and becoming uncomfortable, pulling softly away.

In this sentence, I think you mean to say Anya, where you have Amy's name. She looked at her feet, feeling a bit rattled at Amy's examination of her face and hands.

I don't understand this sentence: She smiled weakly, before the danger of her situation. Why would she smile if she was all alone in the woods, apparently abandoned.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* MY CONCLUSIONS *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*


The part about Amy being left in the car is very good. Lots of action and I can almost see her banging her head against the windshield. I can't imagine it actually cracking but perhaps there is something special about the child that we don't know yet? Like she is Supergirl? :)

You have a compelling tale and are building an air of mystery. I think you'll have an interesting story when you're finished. I'll make a point of looking for more!

I understand this is chapter three, and things I have mentioned might have been clarified in earlier chapters.

This sentence is weak: Anya rocked Amy softly, still humming in a warm motherly way. You have used the adverb 'softly', yet again, to describe the verb rocked. Adverbs steal the action. Try to give more visual clues. Instead of saying "Humming in a warm motherly way", you could say: Anya rocked the child, holding her close to her chest. Placing her chin on the girl's head, she hummed a tune her mother had sung to her when she was Amy's age.

Do you see how this 'action' describes Anya's maternal feelings better than just TELLING us she is motherly? Whenever possible, use actions to move the plot along. It keeps the reader engaged.

My review is just my opinion. Your story is yours and only you know what you are trying to say. I hope you have found it helpful. If you have please review someone else's piece.

Now, go write...and rewrite, and rewrite!

Nora *Bigsmile* }


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28
28
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Steve Storyo ,

You submitted a Review Request to me, so I am reviewing your story
 MANHATTAN Chapter 3  (13+)
A harrowing tale of Soviet and Japanese espionage in the WWII U.S. atomic bomb project.
#2044331 by Storyo
I don't accept all requests, only the ones that have interesting plots and potent possibilities. *Smile* I handle this kind of review in a different way than I do most of my reviews. I will note your strengths, but I will focus on your weaknesses. Please don't allow this to discourage you. I believe the author who requests a review through the writing.com system is searching for a more in-depth critique than the writer who randomly posts their work in a forum asking for a critique. I wouldn't bother to do the review if I didn't think the story was worthy of perfecting. In other words, this is not a fluff review, because you don't want one of those.

Review No. Two for your novel Manhattan

THEME

This is a spy/thriller tale and there is a lot of action! It was exciting from the get-go! I really think that you can have a great novel if you learn how to condense your sentences and make them clearer. Sometimes less is more.


CHARACTERS

We follow Sergey to Canada, where his James Bond/Jason Bourne personna escalates. He's a tough guy. I like that we learn a bit about his background; how he was imprisoned etc. He comes across as a bit of a caricature though, and not quite likable because he forgets about Anna so quickly when his ex-girlfriend appears. What's up with that? It didn't make sense. First he is consumed by grief. Then he starts fancying the new woman immediately. When he finds out Anna is dead he just decides a new life is fine!!??? This is not realistic. Much better to have him be tricked into turning to the new woman over a period of time instead of instantly falling under her spell. Unless he is just a shallow guy with no redeeming qualities. But he is the hero so he needs to be better than that.

CREATIVITY AND ORIGINALITY

This is your strength. You keep the story moving. It is exciting and filled with non stop action. Even getting off the sub turns into an ordeal; it's not straightforward. Suspense is your game and you do it well.

TECHNICAL PROFICIENCY

Be careful using the past tense and overusing forms of the verb "be". You have a lot of places where you use "have been", "has been" or "was". If you rewrite the sentences you can eliminate most of them. See below for a quick edit on SIMPLIFYING, which I talked about in the first review:

There was also the time when, on a mission, Sergey had hidden in a locker for two days. But with a shudder he recalled the closest he had ever come to feeling this confined: That was when he'd been grabbed from his apartment in the middle of the night by the NKVD secret police and thrown into the trunk of a sleek black sedan. That fearsome event had occurred before the war and right after Russia had signed a non-aggression pact with Germany. After being having been crammed inside the trunk for 18 brutal hours--the last six roasting like a goose under the blazing August sun--he had been tossed into a dank, dark cell for over two years until Hitler attacked and America became, instead of an enemy, an ally of convenience. Suddenly Sergey's knowledge of American culture had become useful, though it remained always a serious liability on his life.

There was also the time when, on a mission, Once, Sergey had hidden in a locker for two days. But with a shudder Shuddering, he recalled the closest he had ever come to feeling this confined. That was when he'd been grabbed from his apartment Before the war, he was grabbed by the NKVD secret police in the middle of the night. They tossed him into the back of a sleek black sedan and he roasted for 18 brutal hours.

MY CONCLUSIONS

Reread sentences aloud, thinking about how you can tighten them up and say more with fewer words. Words like just, has been, only are fat. Trim the fat and leave the sentences lean.

Just as he was blacking out, but not before he had filled his lungs with frigid seawater, Sergey felt a tight grip on the back of his collar and a mighty heave up to the surface.

Frigid seawater poured into his lungs and blackness filled his vision. Then a rough jerk on his collar thrust him from the waves. He gasped, retching and heaving, as his vision returned.

Telling us he blacked out is different than allowing us to experience what he feels as he actually blacks out.

One other thing I found annoying was the engine noises you wrote in as the car was starting. Ugh. Just say something like: The car's engine coughed or the motor stuttered and hesitated.



Now, go write...and rewrite, and rewrite!

Nora *Bigsmile* }


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29
29
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
LINK TEXT HERE ▼ Hi Storyo ,

You submitted a Review Request to me, so I am reviewing your story
 MANHATTAN Chapter 2  (E)
A harrowing tale of Soviet and Japanese espionage in the WWII U.S. atomic bomb project.
#2044330 by Storyo
I don't accept all requests, only the ones that have interesting plots and potent possibilities. *Smile* I handle this kind of review in a different way than I do most of my reviews. I will note your strengths, but I will focus on your weaknesses. Please don't allow this to discourage you. I believe the author who requests a review through the writing.com system is searching for a more in-depth critique than the writer who randomly posts their work in a forum asking for a critique. I wouldn't bother to do the review if I didn't think the story was worthy of perfecting. In other words, this is not a fluff review, because you don't want one of those.

As always, remember a review is just one person's opinion. I'm an artist and I am used to receiving critiques and I value a good critique, but not all people share my love of impressionism. Some of them prefer abstract and some prefer the old Dutch masters.

THEME

You're creating a historical novel about World War II. I'm unsure of the plot yet, because I have only read the first few chapters. It's an ambitious project for anyone, but I would bet you're a history buff, maybe even one of those men who spend hours watching the History Channel (like my dear husband.)


CHARACTERS

I scanned the other chapters, and you seem to have plenty of characters. We will focus on the two in this chapter, Anna and Sergey. Sergey is in the Red Army. I would clarify his position. Is he a sergeant? An officer? Maybe it was there but I missed it. A good place to incorporate his position is the next to the last paragraph. You have written:
It doesn't matter to her that I'm in the military and have no choice.
You could say:
It doesn't matter to her that I'm a lieutenant in the Army and I have no choice. Orders are orders.

I have found it very helpful to create character studies for the main characters in your novel. If you haven't already done so, I would give this a try. It helps clarify their motives and allows you to develop them more fully. There are lots of these available on the web for free. Here is one that is pretty basic:
http://thescriptlab.com/screenwriting/character/cr...

The more you know about your characters, the easier ti will be to build them into believable people.

CREATIVITY AND ORIGINALITY

This chapter is engaging. I wanted to know more about the orphans and why this couple is taking them in. I hope you delve into this deeper in future chapters.


PLOT AND PACING

I'm not going there yet. This is a novel, and a fairly complicated one with multiple characters and points of view, so I don't have enough information to know exactly how the plot unfolds. I will discuss the issues I have with the chapter under "My Conclusions" below.

TECHNICAL PROFICIENCY

Some sentences need to be re-written to make them easier to understand. Sometimes reading aloud can help with this. Too many commas and adverbs can destroy the integrity of a sentence and confuse readers. Here is a great tool I just found, that really helps simplify sentences. I don't change every sentence it highlights, but I do look at them and objectively ask myself, "Is this really too difficult to understand? How can I make the meaning clearer?" http://www.hemingwayapp.com/beta/index.html

MY CONCLUSIONS

Your lines are in red. Any suggestions I make where I offer specific rewrites, are in green.

You may be familiar with the big concept taught in creative writing classes nowadays. "Show, don't tell". It only works for character driven works. Because you're writing a historical tale there will be many places in your novel that need some background information. From what I can see, you are trying to make it up close and personal, as viewed through the eyes of people living at the tie.

This is your opening sentence:
"No, not Gouzenko! That can mean only one thing." Anna Mirov sputtered a coarse whisper through the fingertips of both hands pressed against her mouth as she sank back onto a kitchen chair, eyes widening.

This is easier to read:
"No, not Gouzenko! That can mean only one thing." Anna Mirov sank onto the kitchen chair. She pressed her fingertips against her lips and shook her head. Her eyes were wide and terrified.

Knowing the words are coarse and whispered do not help us grasp the reality of the scene. Showing us her denial (shaking her head) and her fear (eyes) do. You could add the sentence 'Her voice was hoarse with fear.' before she sinks into the chair.

Thinking about the scene from the view of a spectator, and trying to relate the events as they are happening will help the reader visualize.

Think in terms of simplifying sentences to make them easier to read. You don't want the reader pausing and trying to figure out what she just read.

Your sentence here is confusing:
Thinking deeply about those times, Sergey daze-stared, his eyes fixed on Anna's face--tender still, but as gaunt as he'd ever seen--as his mind blurred away the present, instead harvesting the feasts and famines of 21 years.


Try to avoid using adverbs unless they are absolutely necessary. I don't think this one is: (deeply)

Sergey gazed at Anna's gaunt face, recalling the 21 years they had shared together. She was still the beautiful girl he had met .....

This was just too dramatic for me. Sorry.

As Sergey poured out the grim news, Anna became increasingly distraught and agitated, until he finally had to spin her around and clench her rail-thin form--draped in that loose tattered dress--tightly from behind. He scuffled against her thrashing; flinging one of his legs forward and around in an attempt to restrain hers; pinning both of her arms with his left arm, and cupping his right hand firmly over her mouth, struggling against the hysterical throes of her head. Then, as quickly as she had started flailing, she went limp and crumpled toward the floor. With a short grunt and quick reaction, Sergey threw his left arm around her chest, scooped his right forearm under her knees, lifted, and turned her upper body toward him. Anna's head rolled against his shoulder, eyes open and streaming, mouth agape and hyperventilating.

It could easily be condensed and convey the same information in a less chaotic way. I truly could not visualize what Anna was doing in the paragraph above. Always strive for clarity.

Sergey poured out the grim news and Anna responded by throwing herself against him and hitting him with her clenched fists. Sobbing, her thin arms forced him backward into the wall. He pinned her arms to her sides as gently as he could, feeling the ribs beneath her ragged dress. then he pulled her against him, winding his sinewy arms around her. Placing his chin on her head, he held her close. "Anna, Anna....please, do not make it harder than it already is..."


My review is just my opinion. Your story is yours and only you know what you are trying to say. I hope you have found it helpful. If you have please review someone else's piece.

Now, go write...and rewrite, and rewrite!

Nora *Bigsmile* }


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30
30
Review of Snow Days  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi ZombeeLuv ,

I wanted to return the favor of a review for a review so I am reviewing your story
 Snow Days  (E)
A young boy takes advantage of his mother's heirloom.
#2048057 by ZombeeLuv


As always, remember a review is just one person's opinion. I'm an artist and I am used to receiving critiques and I value a good critique, but not all people share my love of impressionism. Some of them prefer abstract and some prefer the old Dutch masters.


*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* CREATIVITY AND ORIGINALITY *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

A snow globe that controls the weather: hard to beat for creativity!


*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* PLOT AND PACING *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

Every mother's nightmare: multiple snow days with no end in sight. You do a great job with this prompt, envisioning a snow globe capable of controlling the weather. I loved it.

It's a quick read and the pacing is just right, as mom figures out what her son is up to and ends the game with her unfailing mother's logic. If only we could stop the rain here in a similar way. Life would be dry again.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* NITPICKY STUFF *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*
(such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading)

I was tempted to count the number of times you used the word 'looked' in the first few paragraphs. I think you could search for some synonyms to make it more interesting. :)
The same goes for the verb 'set'. I think you could ramp it up a bit by using more descriptive verbs, like 'placed' or 'returned' etc.

"Sighing, she went into the kitchen to make some breakfast, this conversation was going to require food." (You need a period between breakfast and this.)

*ScallopB*{ prompte:ScallopP}*ScallopV* MY CONCLUSIONS *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

A great little slice of life drama with a bit of magic snow tossed in for good measure. The last line is my favorite! I enjoyed this very much!

My review is just my opinion. Your story is yours and only you know what you are trying to say. I hope you have found it helpful. If you have please review someone else's piece.

Now, go write...and rewrite, and rewrite!

Nora *Bigsmile* }


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31
31
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Ruth Draves ,

I am reviewing your story
 The Organic Oregano  (13+)
Based on true events from my childhood. For the Cramp
#2046116 by Ruth Draves


As always, remember a review is just one person's opinion. I'm an artist and I am used to receiving critiques and I value a good critique, but not all people share my love of impressionism. Some of them prefer abstract and some prefer the old Dutch masters.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* THEME *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

Your theme is everyday life and strange occurrences and it's a very funny story I enjoyed reading.


*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* CHARACTERS *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

The grandmother is a sweet character, thinking of her son on his birthday, yet hopelessly naive. You did a nice job of describing her.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* CREATIVITY AND ORIGINALITY *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

I really liked the way you told us the father was a cop by a discreet showing of his badge. We didn't need the girls to mention it at all. Great piece of showing versus telling.

Your title is perfect--and made me chuckle after reading your story.


*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* PLOT AND PACING *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

You moved the scene along with good dialogue and interesting descriptions. I'm not sure we needed to know all the details in the beginning about where the travelers were going and what happened before the car broke down.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* TECHNICAL PROFICIENCY *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*
(such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading)

I didn't see any grammar issues worth mentioning.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* MY CONCLUSIONS *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

It was really difficult to think of any suggestions for you because I think your story is excellent, especially considering the time limitations involved in writing for the Cramp!

I did see one tiny description that could be improved. You write: "The piercing sunshine" in paragraph eight, to describe the heat. I think you could use a better adjective as sunshine doesn't typically pierce people. Would "unforgiving rays" work better? Just a thought.

You've mixed in some relevant dialogue, along with the descriptions and I love your actions verbs. Two of my favorites were: "winged their way to the West", "ground our plans to a
halt".

We hear the strangers speaking to the girls in the shop, but I would have loved to hear a bit more conversation from the grandmother. She is the star of this story, as we learn later. I think it would be funny to listen in on her "pipe" discussion.

An exceptionally well written piece, especially considering you wrote it for the Cramp, which means it had to be done quickly and have less than a 1,00 words. You're very creative and I will look forward to reading more of your pieces.

My review is just my opinion. Your story is yours and only you know what you are trying to say. I hope you have found it helpful. If you have please review someone else's piece.

Now, go write...and rewrite, and rewrite!

Nora *Bigsmile* }


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32
32
Review of DOMINO EFFECT  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Donkey Hoetay }.

I am reviewing your story
DOMINO EFFECT  (18+)
An old man tries to settle a score
#2040567 by Donkey Hoetay


As always, remember a review is just one person's opinion. I'm an artist and I am used to receiving critiques and I value a good critique, but not all people share my love of impressionism. Some of them prefer abstract and some prefer the old Dutch masters.


*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* CHARACTER *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

You used a third person limited point of view to tell the story of an old man who comes up with a scheme to avenge the death of his beloved wife. You showed us he was a fisherman by his ability to fashion clever nets and also through his own words. Here is one of my favorite lines in the story that tells us he is good and he knows he is good.: "You are here because I am a fisherman. I am good at it in the sea and I am good at it on land. You just have to know what kind of bait to use.
You create believable characters through action and dialogue. i like that kind of storytelling. You are an excellent storyteller.
This is wonderful because I can picture this young man's confusion.:
"Keep it Inspector. Keep it," said Twig as he left his father's yard and walked into the night. He could not explain the sensation he was experiencing. It was as if all the lies his father ever told him grew wings and were buzzing around his head. Twig had to fight off the over powering urge to physically swat them away.



*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* CREATIVITY AND ORIGINALITY *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

I was invested in the story right away. We have an old man with a plan and we learn pieces of the plan all through the story. We do not find out what Miah has planned until the very end and this part is especially well done.

I love this sentence: . Miah was not just a fisherman but a tinkerer of sorts. He was intrigued by the cause behind the effect of things in life; natural or manmade. He fought through the hypnotic effect of the fire swaying against the pot surface. It foreshadows events to come very well!

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* PLOT AND PACING *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

You use a lot of dialogue between characters to advance the story and the plot, creating a very enjoyable reading experience.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* TECHNICAL PROFICIENCY *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*
(such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading)

There are numerous instances where you need to insert apostrophes to create a smoother flow. If a character says "him" and they do not pronounce the "h", you still need to put an apostrophe in place of the "h", like this: 'im. At first, the slangy way they talked bothered me, but I got used to it fairly quickly and I think it did make the island setting more believable. When you end a sentence with a person's name you need a comma before the name. Commas help separate the words and make them clearer, so the reader doesn't have to think about how they go together.
Here is an example: YOU HAVE: "I am sorry Vernon. I...I was dizzy," said Miah in apology. IT SHOULD READ: "I am sorry, Vernon. I...I was dizzy," said Miah, apolozing.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* MY CONCLUSIONS *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

There are many, many things I loved about this story. It reminds me of an adult fable, where the bad guy gets what he deserves. But you don't let the killer entirely off the hook either, so that's good too.

Here are a few suggestions, which you are free to use or not at your discretion. Suggestions are in green and your words are in red.

The old man walked slowly with beside his bicycle. Every afternoon he stopped peddling at the same point in the village on his way back home from his boat in the bay. They (who? Can you be more specific here?) were setting up for the annual fish festival and he did not care to be a part of that again. His sweaty shirt clung to his back (Sweat ran down his back and he didn’t have enough strength remaining to) as he had no strength left to ride over the small hill ahead. The little stray dog everyone called Scotty always joined him as he passed the shop. Trotting behind, smelling the tires and hoping for a morsel of food from the satchel that swung on his handle bars. Sometimes the old man shared a corner of bread with him, but soon he realized that there would be no gift coming from him today and returned to the shade under the shop.

Here is another suggestion:

He had enjoyed the safety and prestige of living in a brick house in a nice neighborhood. But the beatings. The beatings all but negated those feelings. He noisily unhinged the clasp on the gate and walked past Big Buffer's aging Toyota into the garage. (The rusty hinge creaked as he lifted the bar and ….)
"Who is that out there? Don't come a step further!" gruffed Big Buffer from behind the window in the garage.(Big Buffer’s voice was gruff, as it carried from behind the window in the garage.)
Use the active voice whenever possible to describe what the characters are doing. Instead of saying NOISILY, describe the noise that is being made. It helps us imagine it.

I am left with a feeling of compassion for the old man, but also a vicarious sense of satisfaction, that he was able to get justice for his dead wife and her sister.

Thanks for the review request. I thoroughly enjoyed you story.

My review is just my opinion. Your story is yours and only you know what you are trying to say. I hope you have found it helpful. If you have please review someone else's piece.

Now, go write...and rewrite, and rewrite!

Nora *Bigsmile* }


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33
33
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thank you for submitting feedback about "B for BROTHER!" (#2002076).

Your reviews are stored within your My Feedback area for viewing at any time. This review's ID #4109462. WritingML Review of "B for BROTHER!" yields: Review of "B for BROTHER!"


Hello ♥Hooves♥ .

I am reviewing your story
STATIC
Othello's Adjustment  (13+)
1939 Cat Witnesses the Inhumanity of Humans - Humans Never Change Do They
#2039068 by ♥Hooves♥


As always, remember a review is just one person's opinion. I'm an artist and I am used to receiving critiques and I value a good critique, but not all people share my love of impressionism. Some of them prefer abstract and some prefer the old Dutch masters.


*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* SETTING *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

Right away we know this is an unusual story, told from an unusual viewpoint: a family cat. The setting is Poland and the Nazis have arrived. Othello, the cat, is unlucky enough to experience the ‘stomping’ feet of the invaders. Soon he loses his family \and must relocate.
You give vivid descriptions that help us visualize the area. I like this line because it really gives us a description of what things looked like, adding a just enough reality to this (probably) fictitious feline life.
Besides my living situation, something else changed in 1939 near the IG Farben factory. The sky was its usual yellowish brown. The sun peeked through all the smoke and haze, just like always on a bright day. At least the snow had melted. I'll give it that.

You mention the smell and the fact that the air became thicker and thicker with ash as the years went by. We hear the cries of the people and the roar of the trains.
You’ve done a very nice job of taking us there and helping us visualize the horror, yet you managed to keep us disengaged by using the cat’s viewpoint. Cats are selfish creatures and they look after themselves, so we are able to contemplate the concentration camp and the starvations and the deaths through Othello’s lens and with a degree of complacency.


*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* THEME *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

You take a look at genocide through the eyes of a cat and it’s my first experience reading something like this so perhaps you have written a truly unique piece. It’s very educational, as I hadn’t thought at all about the makers of Bayer aspirin running factories during WWII.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* PLOT *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*


There’s almost a biographical feel to the piece as we follow Othello through his life, beginning in his comfortable house, and transitioning to homelessness and relying on his wits and the good will of others. He has a happier ending than many of his humans as he lives to see Nuremberg. This is a chilling line because I didn’t realize the poor cat was living there until you added it at the end. And very nice as it is the final thing we read, adding to its importance.:
The air isn't so good here next to Auschwitz, anymore.


*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* CHARACTER *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*


Your main character and literary device is a black and white cat named Othello, and you do a nice job of using him to tell the story of Auschwitz. It’s hard to get three dimensional with a cat but we do sense he cares a bit for his people. He’s a good WATCHER, and we discover the happenings in his neighborhood as we look dispassionately through his eyes.
This is a brilliant line, as it simultaneously compares humans to cats, while slyly pointing out that humans are no better than animals on their bad days:

I'm smart when it comes to minding my own business. See no evil and know no evil. That's my motto. It seemed to get a whole lot of humans through a rough time, so why shouldn't it work for a cat?


*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* MY CONCLUSIONS *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*


You have used a kind of omniscient narrator to tell a piece of historical fiction along with a first person (I mean cat) point of view. I think it works well because we need to know some of the history in order to understand all of the story and its impossible for the cat to hear, much less relate everything. *Bigsmile*
I enjoyed the history lesson. No one ever talks about what happened to all the animals people owned when they were taken but you’ve taken on the subject and made it interesting to boot!

I only saw one thing that could be improved. I wasn’t happy with this line—too many “coulds”. Are you saying perhaps, I would swear I could hear a wail?
Sometimes, I could swear I could hear a sort of wail coming from the buildings next to the factory.

Disclaimer: My review is just my opinion. Your story is yours and only you know what you are trying to say. I hope you have found it helpful. If you have please review someone else's piece.

Now, go write...and rewrite, and rewrite!

Nora *Bigsmile* }


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Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello KMH ,

I am reviewing your piece:
 Thoughts on Eternal Damnation etc.  (13+)
Thoughts about Heaven and Hell by a somewhat reluctant non-believer.
#2041277 by KMH


My review is just that, a review.

Your opening paragraph states:

From what I understand, Christians live to die. The primary task is to do what religion (or society, depending on how you look at it) deems to be “good” during our time here on earth so that when we croak, we will go to Heaven and experience eternal joy. Or, if we veer from the path and do otherwise (certainly being a somewhat reluctant non-believer qualifies for this), we will go to Hell and suffer never-ending pain and torment.

When I read the first two sentences of your essay I was …searching for the most correct word here…. ASTONISHED! I started reading it, thinking I might understand my daughter a little better. She is an atheist but she refuses to talk about her position, except to say, “Mom, I just don’t believe that stuff, OK?” Being the good mom I am—or try to be anyway, I tell her sure, and then I just keep praying for her. Why do I pray for her? Because that’s what Christians do, as you probably know. We are a bunch of people who put our faith in an invisible god and believe that good really does triumph. Also, all the various forms of Christianity I have studied do not guarantee a ticket to heaven by being “good”. No one is that good, least of all people who go to church. I have seen some of the worst sinners you ever want to meet walk through the doors of a church. The difference between them and non-Christians is very simple. They recognize their sin and acknowledge it, and then they ask for forgiveness. However, then they go right back out and sin again. Because that’s just human nature. Hopefully they sin less, but they are never going to be exactly what you call SINLESS—but that’s OK. God doesn’t expect us to be perfect. That’s why he sent his Son. Only Christ was perfect, and for that he was killed, my friend. But that’s another story. Matthew 27:32-61

But because we have the ability to adapt (call it evolution if that floats your boat; go with the God thing if it doesn’t), there is no possibility that we will ever experience Heaven or Hell.

I waited for you to back this argument up! But it didn’t happen. Instead you started talking about adapting to hell, like it was an actual place! Christians know that hell is the absence of God, not a place like Dante imagined. Likewise, Heaven is not a place full of clouds with mansions and earthly possessions. There’s a reason you can’t take it with you. It’s because you can’t. The only thing a Christian leaves on earth is her body: ashes to ashes, dust to dust, etc. But the soul survives, and that’s the key. A soul in heaven is in harmony with other like souls; it is “home” if you will. A soul not in heaven is lost, not in a torturous landscape of fire and brimstone, just lost, alone, like a sheep without its flock.

Suffering is only suffering when we also have joy by which to compare it. Otherwise, how would we recognize it for what it is? A bit daft is the human race—we need a measuring stick by which we can compare things. Without a comparison, we cannot recognize a thing’s place on the grand scale of good versus bad, beautiful versus ugly, kind versus mean, torture verses miscommunication. We must have moments of joy so that we can recognize what is not joy.

Now this paragraph actually made sense to me! I am a logical person and I know that for every reaction there is an equal and opposition reaction. The universe expands, therefore it will eventually contract. God is the ultimate Good, therefore evil exists. I know from first hand experience that evil does thrive here on earth, and thanks to some in-depth Bible study, I know why.

That which once gave joy must at some point become redundant. Heaven dwellers need a bit of pain to recognize the good else joy would become quite a snooze-fest. There must be pain in Heaven, and there must be joy in Hell. So please tell me if you would, what’s the freaking diff?

This part was a bit confusing. How can Heaven be redundant if it is the perfect place? I have no idea what it’s really like, but I’m sure I won’t have a body and I’m sure I won’t feel pain. You have somehow arrived at the conclusion that Heaven is an actual earthly place and not a spiritual realm. Likewise, Hell, as defined by God, who created it so he should know, is not a place, but a state of consciousness the unsaved soul enters when the body dies.

For the record, I have to take issue with the first sentence in your essay too! “Christians live to die!” You tell us this is what you understand, and I scratch my head as I wonder where you came to that understanding. You don’t tell us and I think the essay would be better if you did back up some of your statements with references. I’ve never heard any Christians I know say this. I work in a church, so I know quite a few. If I were going to research something I would read the primary authority on that subject, which in this case would be the Bible. I’ve read the Bible, and I frequently go over the more important parts like the New Testament. I have never seen that statement anywhere. In fact, the main message I receive from the Bible is this: God loves you, so love God, and love others as God loves you. In this way you become more like God.

So living a good life is pretty meaningless if you’re focused on self. It’s always difficult to think of others if your main concern is for yourself. That’s the really challenging part about being a Christian: losing the focus on self. Christians don’t want to die—they want to offer the joy of eternal life to others through Jesus Christ. The gift is free, and just like American Express, it has its privileges. Sharing that knowledge is a requirement, actually the only real requirement, of being a true Christian. So I make that offer to you, now. If you accept the Son of God, Jesus Christ, into your heart and soul, you only need to tell God. He will do the rest. When the Holy Spirit lives within you the difference is a true game changer. It was for me. But that’s another story.

I wish I could believe the definition of eternal damnation and the other as explained by Jesus. I really, really do. But unfortunately, I remain a somewhat reluctant non-believer.

Your closing sentence tells me you have never read a word of the New Testament, of if you have, you didn’t read it in your native language. Jesus taught using parables that the people of his time could relate to. The fact that these parables still relate to our techie lives more than 2,000 years later is kind of miraculous. I shouldn’t be surprised but I always am, at how the Bible is a book about sinners who sin and what God did FOR them. Yet the wisdom it has within it is still relevant centuries later and I always find something new when I reread a chapter.

CONCLUSION:
I thought at first you were writing a serious essay about atheism and why you were a non-believer, but it didn't take long to realize this was more of an opinion piece.

Although it didn't help me understand my daughter and her beliefs better, it was still interesting to read a piece about religion by someone who hasn't really read the Bible. Believe it or not, you're not the only one out there who has some really strange ideas about Christianity. I've even seen a lot of them on TV, calling themselves televangelists, preaching to people on the other end that they had better send money or they won't get to heaven. Talk about some screwed up people! Yikes.

You write an essay that is an opinion piece. You could improve this piece by researching the authoritative book on the subject: the Bible. Or you could read some works by Richard Dawkins or Bill Maher, both of whom are atheists, and use their arguments to support your premise.


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Review of Future Gazette  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I enjoyed this story very much. Poor Peterson. If only he had some faith.

I found myself wondering WHY suddenly one of the newspapers would be printed a week early, instead of a day early. THAT did not make sense to me. And if that newspaper was wrong, what does it say about the rest of the newspapers? Will one of those be wrong too? Are they only right because the money is donated to a good cause?

Just some thoughts that went through my head after I finished daydreaming about finding my own newspaper.


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Review of ABANDONED  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Yikes, gave me chills. The last line is perfect, even if society isn't. I'm trying to figure out what the X on the child's forehead means. Marked from birth and destined to die?

An uncomfortable subject: poverty. Almost a dirty word.

Nice work.


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Review of EPHEMERALITY  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Geoff .

I am reviewing your poem
 
STATIC
EPHEMERALITY  (E)
My kind of love poem I guess
#2037756 by Geoff


As always, remember a review is just one person's opinion. I'm an artist and I am used to receiving critiques and I value a good critique, but not all people share my love of impressionism. Some of them prefer abstract pieces and others prefer the old Dutch masters.

I accepted your request for a review because I love poetry, not because I can write good poetry. In fact, my poetry is awful. I can recognize good writing, however, and I’m pretty good at spotting bad writing as well. Anyway, I decided to give it a try after I looked your piece over.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* THEME *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

The theme of your poem is love and its eternal yet ephemeral nature. I sensed undertones of despair throughout the piece.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* HOW YOUR POEM MADE ME FEEL *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*


A good piece of poetry should touch us on more than one level. Yours succeeds in doing this (for me). I don’t think we always need to understand everything during the first few reads. In fact, it’s more interesting for the reader if we have to think about the words, the phrases and the hidden meanings behind them. EPHEMERALITY does that very well.

Good poetry makes us THINK and FEEL. I felt sadness, as I considered the brief life span of the mayfly, then pondered your comparison to the nature of love, which you compare to a cold, hard stone.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* DESCRIPTION *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*


You have used a description of a mayfly here that I found quite beautiful:
The mayfly creeping up the stem,
crouching, waiting for the sun.
Broaching eternity with its sun-dappled wings of shimmering translucence.
“Broaching eternity”--- I love that image. I am familiar with mayflies. I live near Lake Erie and whenever I visit the area in early June these unfortunate insects cover the buildings and porches of cottages like blankets. Their dying bodies are a nuisance, and I never gave them much thought until today, so you have accomplished something else with your poem: you have educated me. I had to find out more, in order to fully understand your poem, so I did a little research and learned that they live a day or two after they get their wings. They mate, the female lays her eggs, and they die.

Regarding this sentence:

The eternal heart of stone, clutched desperately, unyielding.

This line made me think of a person who is stuck in a relationship where they feel no love for their partner, yet the partner clings desperately to them. Often there is no way to escape, and lovers are captives of their situation or their own lack of initiative to break off the relationship. It’s my favorite line.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* MY CONCLUSIONS *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*


This is a thoughtful poem and one I enjoyed very much. It touched me on several levels and it’s a piece I can read and reread and still discover something new. I admire your ability to create images and relate them to emotions. You have the heart of a pet and I will now read everything else you have written, just as I do when I find an author I appreciate.

Below is a summary of what I took away from your piece, which I consider ‘fine art’. What is so magical about poetry is another reader could interpret it quite differently.

A brief interlude, similar to what the mayfly experiences during their mating season, is preferable to a long relationship that wears one down and buries one in the sand. Your imagery is bleak and it tells us that a long, lasting relationship is not a thing of beauty if it weathers the heart and soul. Is it far better to have a few days of ecstasy in the sun than to be turned into a cold, hard rock? That’s something to think about, and you made me do it, so I’m giving you a “5” for your excellent piece.

You should be proud of this piece. It's well written and thoughtful. I can suggest no changes, as I do not write good poetry. I love your poem exactly as it is written.

Nora *Bigsmile* }


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38
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Angus .

I am reviewing your story
 The Treat...And The Trick  (13+)
A Short (and early) Halloween Story
#1955634 by Angus


As always, remember a review is just one person's opinion. I'm an artist and I am used to receiving critiques and I value a good critique, but not all people share my love of impressionism. Some of them prefer abstract and some prefer the old Dutch masters.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* CREATIVITY AND ORIGINALITY *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

You use a folksy voice to draw us into your tale and you lay the groundwork for the events to come nicely. We meet Fritz, a likeable old man whose favorite holiday is Halloween.
This is one of my favorite lines, because it is so visual: “An overstuffed scarecrow and a plastic human skeleton shared the porch, along with numerous pumpkin heads with candles replacing their brains”. You use description to bring us into the scene where the action will occur, and you do it with very few words.
This is not a typical “scary” horror story. We don’t have an inkling until it’s too late. Neither does Fritz. *Smile*


*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* PLOT AND PACING *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

This is a short, short story and you have managed to condense it to the point where it would almost fit into one of those little paragraphs that I used to read in the Reader’s Digest, when I went to the doctor’s office. I loved the entire piece. It is difficult to tell a complete story in less than 300 words but you do it splendidly.
I was shocked at the ending, just as you intended, yet it was the kind of shock that tickled me, too.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* TECHNICAL PROFICIENCY *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*
(such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading)

You’ve got a handle on this and know what you’re doing. MAYBE a sentence or two could use a bit of improvement to help the flow. But I would be called picky if I really thought so. For the sake of recommending something here is one possibility:
Your sentence: An overstuffed scarecrow and a plastic human skeleton shared the porch, along with numerous pumpkin heads with candles replacing their brains to give off just the right feeling of the holiday.

One suggestion: An overstuffed scarecrow and a plastic human skeleton shared the porch, along with numerous pumpkin heads whose brains had been replaced with candles. The holiday atmosphere they created was perfect.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* MY CONCLUSIONS *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

It’s just a classic story, and one I would recommend telling around the campfire with some flashlights. That way, when you get to the ending you can raise your flashlight and stick it under your chin for the spooky ending. Great piece, and I enjoyed it very much. I gave it five stars, which I rarely ever do.

My review is just my opinion. Your story is yours and only you know what you are trying to say. I hope you have found it helpful. If you have please review someone else's piece.

Now, go write...and rewrite, and rewrite!

Nora *Bigsmile* }


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Review of Annie  
Rated: E | (1.0)
Hi carlton607 }.

I am reviewing your story
 Annie  (E)
Winning entry in a 'bad fiction' contest...and Suzanne made me post this! :)
#906139 by carlton607
as part of the Paper Doll's Rockin'Review Academy. Thanks for allowing us to use your story in our classroom. *Bigsmile*

As always, remember a review is just one person's opinion. I'm an artist and I am used to receiving critiques and I value a good critique, but not all people share my love of impressionism. Some of them prefer abstract and some prefer the old Dutch masters.

I read your story and I just had to respond in kind: “Oh, Annie, had I but been there for you whilst you needed me most. I could have swept back your frosty hair and soothed your brow with my rough fingers, condelencing you all the while. Alas, I was not, and you bore the storm alone, yet not alone as Buster the faithful friend who never let you down was there to comfort and hold you as only a faithful dog can and does.”

Those were the words that poured like milk and honey from my pen as I finished reading about Annie’s dark knight. Yes, I also wished for Christian Bale to suddenly appear and kill the demons that haunt Annie’s dreams, but he stayed in the Bat Cave.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* POINT OF VIEW *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

You write your story from an omniscient point of view. Your view is fairly consistent throughout the piece. Perhaps a more personal POV would have been appropriate and would worked better for this type of piece. If you used a first person point of view Annie could describe what happened to her and what she is afraid of.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* CREATIVITY AND ORIGINALITY *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

The introduction to a story should pique our interest, and your opening sentence certainly does that! A “stormy, dark night” and a scream, all in one sentence. We are instantly prepared for the worst. There is a slight disconnect in this opening paragraph when you mention Annie’s sock-knitting skills. I was not prepared for that. As a rule, it’s better to stick to one subject in a paragraph and not wander off into another.

Sometimes phrases become so over used that they turn into ‘cliches’, and I’m afraid that’s what has happened to a “dark and stormy night.” I know, I know! You reversed the adjectives, thinking it wouldn’t be as obvious, but I’m afraid it is. Still. Be creative. Come up with your own descriptions of that night. Perhaps it was eerie, or shadowy. Maybe it wasn’t even dark yet. Maybe it was “twilight”. Maybe not. That could open a whole other can of worms.

Seriously, you know how to describe an anguished soul. You prove that with each description you give us of Annie. We know she is frightened, we know she is a little paranoid and we can almost feel her agony as she recalls that unnamed event that still gnaws at her after all this time. (You know, you could tell us what the event was and you might even explain how long ago it happened. This would help us understand her anguish even more.)

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* PLOT AND PACING *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

There are a few issues here. I could not tell exactly what the plot was. Annie is in bed. She has dreadful thoughts about something that happened in the past. Her dog is a key player and then she dies and the dog is devastated by the loss. Hmmm. OK, I just had a thought. What if you told this story from Buster’s point of view, since he survives? That could be really interesting!

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* TECHNICAL PROFICIENCY *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*
(such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading)

You use some interesting turns of phrase. I’m not saying they’re wrong, just that they could be made better with a little consideration. The winds disturb the poor woman. She is petrified. (In this instance, I would probably remove the reference to wood, as you are describing fear, not the process of turning into a fossil, which is what happens to wood when it becomes petrified.) It’s easy to get confused about words and there multiple meanings. I’ve done this kind of thing myself, many times.
I was puzzled by other images as well. She “woke up in a chilling puddle of worry.” By its very definition, worry is a verb. She worries. She may awake and be worried but I can’t visualize a puddle of worry, much less a chilling puddle of worry. Sometimes more is less. What if you simply said: She awoke, chilled and worried. The adjectives then modify the subject, which is the woman, instead of her worry, which is the verb that describes what she is doing. Geez, I hope that wasn’t too confusing. Sometimes I confuse myself so the best thing to do when that happens is buy a reference book. I really like this book: The Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation, http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1118785568, available at Amazon for just under $11.00. I believe this book will take your writing to the next level. Even if it doesn’t, it will help you learn how to punctuate dialogue, and use adverbs and adjectives effectively.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* MY CONCLUSIONS *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

I think your story would benefit from a good dose of clarity. There are so many things you have done well: you have given us a very good look into the woman’s state of mind and the fear and guilt she feels as she recalls an event. Can you build on that? Tell us why she is frightened, and what happened so long ago and why she awakes actually looking different. Don’t forget to tell us why she dies at the end. We won’t care that she dies if we don’t know her back story, and that seems to be what is missing from this piece. As the author, your job is to make us care about your characters. Yes, she loves her dog, and he loves her, but is it really relevant? The dog takes up a lot of the story but does his presence need to be so prominent? I’m more interested in the woman and why she is tormented.
Her eyes are sky blue, and then they’re sea blue. I think you should choose one color and stick with it. Her hair is blonde but turning gray. That’s fine but again, I’m not sure we need to know this as much as we need to know what the conflict is. Every story has some kind of conflict and we are left in the dark about what Annie’s is. Her mental state is more important than her physical appearance because she seems to be in crisis. That is the focus of this brief writing and when you describe her physical characteristics and the dog’s feelings with such great detail, it pulls us away from what the story is about. I’m not sure the dog’s feelings are important, yet his thoughts and actions creep in and almost steal the show from poor Annie. He could play a lesser role and the story would not be affected one bit, IMO.

My review is just my opinion. Your story is yours and only you know what you are trying to say. I hope you have found it helpful. If you have please review someone else's piece..

Now, go write...and rewrite, and rewrite again!

Nora *Bigsmile* }


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40
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi One }.

I am reviewing your story
 Introduction to a Story  (E)
This is an introduction I have written to a story. I don't know where it is going to go.
#2039737 by One


As always, remember a review is just one person's opinion. I'm an artist and I am used to receiving critiques and I value a good critique, but not all people share my love of impressionism. Some of them prefer abstract and some prefer the old Dutch masters.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* HOW I FOUND YOUR PIECE *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

I found your piece on the front page of writing.com when I clicked on my Review Option.


*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* POINT OF VIEW *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

You introduce your character using the first person point of view and you are consistent throughout. I read the entire piece before I looked at the header, which explains that you have written the piece as an introduction to a story and that you aren't sure where the story is going. A bit of "Free Writing", which is always fun, and I enjoy it myself.

You may have decided to keep the details about this character a secret, and although I felt a great deal of empathy for his or her painful existence, I did wonder exactly how old the person was and if they were male or female. Sometimes a physical description makes a person more real to the reader.

You do a wonderful job of taking us into the character's mental state.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* CREATIVITY AND ORIGINALITY *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

I was interested in the whole premise of someone withdrawing from the world because they can't deal with change. What would this person do for a living? Would they have any friends? It sounds like very few, if they do. I almost got the impression they have Asperger's or some kind of autistic personality. It's a pretty unique view point and you do a convincing job of describing their feelings.


*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* PLOT AND PACING *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*


Your story begins with a $100 dollar sentence: The best times of my life were the ones where I didn’t have to worry about having an existential crisis every night.

This character is in crisis over his/her very existence. Very compelling. We must read on to find out why.

As you stated, this is an introduction, not a complete story, so I will not critique plot. However, I will say you held my interest through the entire piece. Honestly, I hadn't read the note about it being an introduction, and I was worried that this was a real person and they were having some kind of mental breakdown. I think that speaks volumes for the quality of your writing. The tension seemed to escalate toward the end, and I was quite relieved to find out that it was just a story.

This is something I know after reading your piece: You're a really great writer who knows how to write a convincing character!

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* TECHNICAL PROFICIENCY *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*
(such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading)

You did have a few really long sentences that might be improved if they were downsized or turned into two sentences, but for the most part, you have a good understanding of the mechanics of writing and you do it well.

In paragraph three there is a sentence I had trouble with: As of recent, I have found myself to experience physical pain caused by this sorrow of the mind.

I think you could rephrase this sentence and it would be clearer.

*ScallopB**ScallopP**ScallopV* MY CONCLUSIONS *ScallopV**ScallopP**ScallopB*

You have some truly wonderful writing here. This sentence blows me away:
I feel as if I am always two steps away from reality, looking on it and questioning its dynamics, examining what others don’t see, as opposed to everyone else, who lives in the moment with no regard for the purpose of which they are living.

I can imagine someone feeling this way, but that is only because YOU describe it in terms that make sense to me. YOU bring me the understanding through your writing, and that is a gift.

Your candle analogy, where you compare the period of joy to a candle in an otherwise dark room, is haunting and uses great imagery. Wanting a light to grow and change, as surely as the character wants their mind to embrace reality, gives us a nice visual.

The person talks about their childhood and wanting to return to it. It was the time they enjoyed most and nothing compares to it. I found myself asking the question "why?" What was so fantastic about this character's early formative years that they are now in crisis over the changes that have occurred since? One thing that might improve the piece is explaining what the character valued about their early life and what is missing in it now.

As you think about where you are going with this story you might think about the character's motivation. You've done an excellent job of setting him/her up with some internal demons. What other conflicts will they face? What difficulties do they experience in their life as they turn inward to avoid pain?

As the writer you are the architect of their existence, so only you can answer these questions.

My review is just my opinion. Your story is yours and only you know what you are trying to say. I hope you have found it helpful. If you have please review someone else's piece.

Best,

Nora


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Review of I'm Still Me  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi BIG BAD WOLF is hopping }.

I am reviewing your story
I'm Still Me  (ASR)
My life, with Aspergers' Syndrome.
#1756813 by BIG BAD WOLF is hopping


As always, remember a review is just one person's opinion. I'm an artist and I am used to receiving critiques and I value a good critique, but not all people share my love of impressionism. Some of them prefer abstract and some prefer the old Dutch masters.

HOW I FOUND YOUR PIECE

Your item was on the front page of Writing.com in the REVIEWS REQUESTED section.


POINT OF VIEW

You are writing a biography so you chose the first person POV to write it. This is the logical point of view to use and I like the way you weave stories about your childhood into the telling. Y

CREATIVITY AND ORIGINALITY


Here is a great sentence: Personally, I hope they have an easier time than I did. Basically, I was like a soldier with a flamethrower, who cleared a path on an island, and had to wait twelve years for reinforcements to arrive.

This is some great imagery and I would like to see you use it in other places.

You tell your story in a matter of fact manner, which is what one would expect from a person with Asperger's. My daughter is high-functioning but does not have Asperger's according to the psychologists I have taken her to. That's one of the reasons I chose to read and review your piece. She is still in high school and her days are very similar to yours. She goes to school, draws while the teachers talk, gets good grades, rides the bus home and spends the rest of her time in her room -- on the internet. I think she plays a lot of on-line games and she loves Reddit for some reason.

I thought perhaps reading your piece would give me a bit of insight into her personality and why she acts the way she does. I think you could provide us with a little more detail into why you got in fights and why people picked on you. I know that would make your piece longer but I am interested in WHY. I think others who have kids like mine would be too. Just a thought.


PLOT AND PACING

You do a nice job of describing your life in an abstract way. When you say, "Mom, I'm still me." in the first paragraph I can tell that it's a plea for her to see you and accept you as you are. That's what we all want. As I said earlier, I enjoyed your story but I would like to have some more "meat". What did those kids do to you?

My child was sent to the office once because she stabbed a girl in the arm with her a pencil. Four girls were standing around her desk badgering her and there was no teacher in the room. She served three days of in school suspension and nothing like that ever happened again so she must have learned to control her impulses.

TECHNICAL PROFICIENCY
(such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading)

I didn't see too many thing here, although some sentences would benefit if they were made into TWO separate ones. This one for instance:
College was similar, as I went to JCC, which is close to my place, although, instead of a bus, it was a cab that I’d call up the night before, to schedule times for pickups, and such stuff. .


What if you said this instead:
College was similar to high school. I attended a college close to our home: JCC (the reader has no idea what that is of course). Instead of riding the bus to school every day I would call a cab the night before to schedule my pickups.


OTHER COMMENTS OR SUGGESTIONS

Because of the very nature of your condition, this suggestion will be difficult for you. I think you should try to communicate how you are FEELING when you discuss a situation. You go to your room when you get home from school. What drives you there? Do you need to calm down after all the stimulation of the day? What makes books more attractive to you than talking to people. Your insights would be VERY helpful to parents of kids who have this.

Also- you might tell us why you don't drive. I really had a hard time getting my daughter through driver's education but she finally made it. She still hates to drive though.

Thanks for posting your story. I enjoyed it very much. *Smile*


My review is just my opinion. Your story is yours and only you know what you are trying to say. I hope you have found it helpful. If you have please review someone else's piece.

Best,

Nora


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In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Spring Reviews


Hi I'm DollarDays is painting .

I am reviewing your story
STATIC
Season of Discontent -  (13+)
Finding Comedy At The Post Office
#1602244 by ♥Hooves♥


As always, remember a review is just one person's opinion. I'm an artist and I am used to receiving critiques and I value a good critique, but not all people share my love of impressionism. Some of them prefer abstract and some prefer the old Dutch masters.

HOW I FOUND YOUR PIECE

I have no idea- it just popped up on the side of my screen and I clicked.


POINT OF VIEW

You use a great first person, er BOVINE perspective.

CREATIVITY AND ORIGINALITY

A bull goes to the post office for his human...hard ot get more craetive than that! But it does, he carries a VB purse too.


PLOT AND PACING

The cow held my attention throughout the story.

TECHNICAL PROFICIENCY
(such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading)

No problems here.

OTHER

My favorite line: My modest goals are to avoid dropping my package, and refrain from emitting any noxious fumes from my hindquarters. This requires concentration at both ends.

That was creative. The whole story was a hoot.

My review is just my opinion. Your story is yours and only you know what you are trying to say. I hope you have found it helpful. If you have please review someone else's piece.

Best,

Nora


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Sisters  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi I'm DollarDays is painting .

I am reviewing your story
Sisters  (ASR)
A girl finds out that her best friend isn’t what she appeared to be.
#2032416 by Graham Muad'dib


As always, remember a review is just one person's opinion. I'm an artist and I am used to receiving critiques and I value a good critique, but not all people share my love of impressionism. Some of them prefer abstract and some prefer the old Dutch masters.

HOW I FOUND YOUR PIECE

Congratulations on winning second prize in the Thriller/Mystery contest!


POINT OF VIEW

You use a first person limited point of view very successfully to tell us the story of a girl who is abnormally attached to her best friend.

CREATIVITY AND ORIGINALITY

I was afraid for her, alone in the woods, with someone apparently chasing her. You did a wonderful job of building the suspense while simultaneously giving us the history of the girls' relationship. Then you turn the story upside down at the end and I did not see it coming! Awesome!


PLOT AND PACING

I was content to go along for the ride. I thought for sure her friend was evil! Then we learn the truth.

TECHNICAL PROFICIENCY

(such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading)
Pretty good, although there are some confusing areas in the first few paragraphs.
This sentence is especially confusing. I had to read it a couple times to understand:

My mother often said so, and was delighted at the gift that Harper brought for me when she came to my eleventh birthday party.

FINAL ANALYSIS

I absolutely loved it!


My review is just my opinion. Your story is yours and only you know what you are trying to say. I hope you have found it helpful. If you have please review someone else's piece.

Best,

Nora


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Peace, Brother  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
What an interesting concept. This story reminds us that people can't make war if they are focused on learning and reaching a goal. If only everyone in the world had the opportunity to learn a musical instrument, what a lovely world it would be.

It is so sad to see so many people who only have a passion for something for trying to force their views on others. I so wish there were a simple answer.
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Review of He Was Only Two  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I was touched by your lyrical poem. Great job.
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello KJ

I read your chapter today and this looks like it will be a very appealing book for the YA crowd. Your heroine is beautiful, daring and loyal. The first paragraph is excellent. I made a few suggestions and observations about her dream walk up the mountain. Most of them have to do with wording and using a more active voice. The suggestions are in parenthesis. I hope this is helpful. You are an imaginative writer and I think you will have a wonderful book when you are finished!

The most important advice I can offer is to imagine you are right there on the mountain with Liaden. Close your eyes and try to imagine what she would see, hear and feel. Would the snow freeze her eyelashes? If she stumbles is there a sudden pain in her ankle? Add the details that help us climb the mountain with her.

Best,

Nora


The Tanet Mountains had always seemed impenetrable. The only creatures that ever seemed to effortlessly climb these green mountains were the sheep. These animals had the determination and the hunger to gain footing on this mountain to eat the green grass others rarely trampled over.

Today, however, they were not alone. Liadan was finally making the climb to the top.

Pushing her dark brown (you could be more descriptive here- chestnut-colored, mahogany-colored) hair out of her face, Liadan hiked her linen red skirt up around her knees as she carefully continued to climb up. The higher she went, the steeper the climb became. Her bright green eyes grew in excitement the closer she was to reaching the peak of the mountain. Legends had said that (according to legends) when you climbed this high, you would be able to see Keeva smiling down on the isles she had blessed so long ago. It had always been Liadan’s dream to climb to the top and to simply see what was on the other side. In all of her sixteen years on this island, she had never seen the other side of her island and to finally do so was the single most exciting thing that had ever happened to her. Despite this, she did wish that she could have done this during the day. Due to the protective natures of her father and brothers though, taking this adventurous climb at night was her only option.

Time passed slowly. Liadan for awhile had tried to keep track of the time with how the sky lightened or darkened but this became too hard (more difficult) the higher she climbed. She knew she was close when the peak of the mountain began to become dusted with snow. Liadan thought the cold would bother her, but instead her skin felt warmer than ever. Her heart began to pound as she began to reach the peak. (Her heart began to pound as she neared the peak.) Getting to (Arriving at) the edge, she gritted her teeth as she gripped it and pulled herself up the rest of the way.(Not sure- edge of what? What did she grip? Be a little more specific.)

Without even waiting to see if she would catch her breath (Not even waiting to catch her breath), Liadan hurried over to the other side and gasped at the sight. The morning sun was starting to rise out of the ocean, which was reflecting the colors of blue, purple, orange, and red from the sky. Though the beauty of it took her breath away, a passing thought came over her. “Red skies in the morning, that’s a sailor’s warning,” she murmured.

As if something heard her, a (cold intense) wind blew at her and Liadan’s breath caught for another reason. The wind was the most intensely cold breeze she had ever felt. Wrapping her arms around herself, she shivered for the first time during her climb up this mountain. Thinking she should leave, Liadan remained standing and staring out at the water, wondering if she would perhaps chance a glimpse of Keeva as the legends said some do after they had climbed atop (climbed to the summit) of Tanet.

Instead, Liadan was a witness( Instead, Liadan witnessed something extraordinary) to something else all together. On the horizon, she saw two clouds slowly swallowing up the fiery red sun. (how did she feel about this? Was she amazed? Horrified? Liadan was horrified as she watched two clouds swallow the fiery red sun. Did the sky go black when that happened?) One was a white cloud that one might see on a bright and clear day. The pale cloud seemed to slowly drift towards her and the breeze that it brought was warm, comforting. The other cloud, a cloud as black as soot, soon grabbed her attention though. In fact this dark cloud made Liadan take a few steps back as the feeling of intense fear stabbed her chest. The dark cloud overtook the white and seemed to swallow it whole. In that moment the sun had disappeared and snow began to pour (snow doesn’t usually pour. What could we say about snow coming down heavily? The snow fell so thickly that she couldn’t see her own hand?) down on the mountain, the black cloud advancing faster and more quickly as it came towards her. Without thinking, Liadan’s foot slipped over the edge and flailed in an effort to regain her balance, panic coursing through her. She glanced back as she regained her footing, but soon discovered it was to no avail. (This is an awkward sentence IMO.) As she looked forward once more, a gust so strong hit her that she fell back and she was falling. The last thing she seen (saw) was what appeared to be a man reaching out as though to grab her before everything became black.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Derek,

Your story is interesting and has a great surprise ending. Welcome to the site. I have some recommendations but I am not a professional so they are just things I noticed. You are a good creative writer who just needs to edit and re-edit so you can perfect your prose. I received a good picture of what the stranger looked like but the priest is an important character too. Maybe a description of him would be helpful, his attitude as he preaches etc. I am new to this site also, but I am trying to get involved by reviewing stories. I asked the leaders of a group what is the best way to learn about the site and that’s what they suggested. I will hopefully get reviews for my own writing if I review others. It also helps me with my own writing. I find mistakes that I make from time to time and sometimes I have to look up parts of speech to actually identify WHAT they are.
I hope my review is helpful.
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The man with the white T-shirt was only twenty feet from the front stairs of the church doors. He looked down at his muddy hands and smeared some of the soil from his fingers onto the cotton fabric. He had been just stooping, tending to the pretty flower beds that bordered the paved entrance to the small Catholic church. Now, he was striding with purpose. He paused and kicked the bottom of the first bricked step twice with each boot to loosen the reddish mud and proceeded to the open door.

Although she was just the treasurer of Our Lady of the Rosary Church, she liked to be called Sister Virginia. The service was just eight minutes old and she came into the well lit atrium to close the heavy wooden door. There was an annoying whir from a weed whacker that she wanted to muffle. A potential distraction from the God sent homily that Father Alvarez was about to deliver. How in the world did the landscaping team not understand that they were to start work after the Mass was over at ten. As she kicked the foot stop away and let the oak door swing shut on its hinges she noticed one of the bearded maintenance crew coming up the church stairs. He had begun to take off his baseball cap and it looked to her (HE APPEARED) as if he was going to enter the sacred house. Surely he was not coming to worship in that dirty T-shirt. Not coming to sit amongst the cleaner parishioners......... Then, in a split moment of clarity, (WHAT IS A SPLIT MOMENT OF CLARITY?) she figured that he was entering to(THOUGHT HE MIGHT BE COMING IN TO) identify the broken pew that was due to be repaired. The base of the long wooden bench had all but succumbed to termites and it was in danger of falling over. The last pew on the right side of the old church was so bad that it had been cordoned off from anyone sitting in it for fear of collapse. Sister Virginia frowned at the poor timing of the worker and (SHE STOOD AT THE ENTRANCE, ARMS CROSSED AND LIPS PURSED, WAITING FOR HIM TO ENTER.) waited for him to open the door with crossed arms and pursed lips.

The man with the almost white (STAINED) T-shirt and muddy boots stepped into the vestibule and paused. He looked up to the rafters and admired the construction of the curved collar beams.
"We weren't expecting you until after mass was over. Can't you see the service is just getting started. The pew that is to be repaired is over there at the back but I'd like you to come back in an hour or so." Said sister Virginia.
"I am sorry Senora, what did you say?"
"Come back after the Mass is over and I'll show you the damaged pew ok?"
"I am here for the Mass Senora, I hope that I can hear the sermon today."

Sister Virginia put her palms to her chest and looked at the bearded man with unkempt hair behind fluttering eyelids. She watched as he walked forward into the main hall and found a pew row to sit. He knelt with humility in the aisle and made the sign of the cross. He sat at the very end of the row closest to the aisle and moved his lips in silent prayer as he paid attention to the order of service. The well dressed parishioner who he sat next to slid ever so slightly away from him as she looked back to where sister Virginia was standing. She opened her eyes in silent aghast (AGHAST IS AN ADJ., NOT A NOUN.—PERHAPS YOU COULD SAY SHE OPENED HER EYES WIDE, AGHAST AT THE MAN BY HER SIDE.) and sister Virginia returned it with a shrug of her shoulders.

The priest, after reading the third scripture from the old testament (CAPITALIZE OLD TESTAMENT), allowed the congregation to sit and he began his Homily. His message was clear and concise as he paced purposefully behind the pulpit. He spoke about the brotherhood of man and the evils of greed in his green and white vestments that draped to his black shoes. (CONSIDER MOVING THE DESCRIPTION TO THE FRONT OF THE SENTENCE AS IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE DESCRIBING GREED HERE). His voice was deep, fluent and soothing with just a tinge of an accent. (WHAT KIND OF ACCENT?) His dark eyes seemed to pierce everyone's soul and his word was balm for that piercing wound.
When he finished his sermon the choir sang lustily and the people gave very generous donations for both collections. The bearded man in the T-shirt could not contribute to the monetary devotion and he passed the full velvet lined metal plate to the usher. The hour long service was in the fiftieth minute and the slow procession to receive the sacrament of communion began on both sides of the center aisle. The landscaper left his hat on the pew bench were he sat and filed up to the alter (ALTAR). He received the body of Christ into his mouth from the Father, but when he moved to drink from the wined chalice, the seminary student glanced to his left for approval from the Father. He smiled and nodded discretely to the young assistant but the brim was wiped vigorously with a cloth after the man drank from the cup. Not one of the parishioners opted to take this part of the communion after the man with the T-shirt put his lips onto it . He retook his seat (RETURNED TO HIS SEAT) in the pew and knelt and prayed until the end of Mass. The center aisle filled with the exiting congregation behind the receding Father Alvarez and he eventually turned and stood in the vestibule shaking extended hands and offering well wishes.(PERHAPS YOU COULD SAY: THE CENTER AISLE FILLED AS THE CONGREGATION EXITED, FOLLOWING FATHER ALVAREZ.)

The T-shirted man (CAN WE CALL HIM A VISITOR, OR A STRANGER-NOT ALWAYS THE T-SHIRTED MAN?) rose, performed a final gesture to the cross and made his way to the vestibule. (DID HE GENUFLECT? YOU COULD SAY SO, IF HE DID.) He was the last in line to shake the Father's hand and he bowed his head with reverence as he approached. Sister Virginia smiled with anxiety and stood closer to the Father as the man approached to demonstrate to him that she cared for his welfare in case the landscaper man posed a threat. (REMEMBER- SHOW DON’T TELL, SHE CAN SHOW HER WORRY BY HOW YOU DESCRIBE HER ACTIONS- STANDING CLOSER, WATCHING THE STRANGER CLOSELY ETC.) Father Raul Alvarez extended his right arm to the landscaper with a full genuine smile as he walked up.
"Bless you my son... I hope the message gave you spiritual fulfillment today."
"No it did not Padre....I was disappointed." Said the man as he shook the priest's outstretched hand with a strong masculine grip."
"....Well I am sorry to hear that my son.... We try to cater to all needs at Our Lady of the Rosary....Let us know in the future how we can help." Said the Father with a quickly fading smile. With out releasing their friendly handshake the T-shirted man said.
"I need your help right now Padre........ I really do. I have something to confess."
The bearded man with the uncombed hair looked directly into the eyes of Raul Alvarez and increased the vice of his grip.
"Ahh I am sorry........." The Priest began.
"Okay... that's out of the question sir. The Father has no time for confession at this hour. Can you please return to your duties outside." Interrupted Sister Virginia. She attempted to break the extended handshake between the two men.
"No. I think the Padre sees the urgent value of a sinner to reconcile with his God, right Father?" Said the man still holding tightly in the hand shake and locked in stare.
He tugged to retract his hand but it was held firm. Then... a squinting of the eyes. A subtle half blink by the Father and the smile returned.
"It's okay Virginia...I will not deny this man the Sacrament of Confession. He clearly needs to purge his transgressions." He said turning away to her.
"But....." She protested.
"He will be fine. The Savior will cleanse his burdens."
Then and only then was the pressure in the handshake released.
"Give me a moment to get seated in the confessional and you join me on the other side my son."

The man with the soiled white T-shirt closed the varnished cedar door of the confessional chamber and sat on the green cushion.
"Forgive me Padre for I have sinned." He began after a heavy breath.
"When was your last sin and what was it?"
"I last sinned one hour ago while tending the flower bed in the front of this church. I called the Lord's name in vain out loud when I looked up and read the name of the Parish priest for this church on the bulletin sign."
"That is a minor moral failing......say three Hail Marys and sin no more."
"Thank you Padre.......now it is your turn." Said the gardener.
"Excuse me?"
"Now it is your turn to confess your sins Padre." He said calmly.
Silence.
"It is your turn to confess!" Shouted the voice from the other side of the partition.
Sister Virginia heard the out burst and whipped her head around to the source.
"What in the Hell.....?" She thought.
"You know you are in no capacity to receive confession." Said Father Alvarez.
"Oh but you know I am.....You especially know that I am! Do you want me to start it off Padre? Say after me...... 'I am a thief. I have sinned for I am a thief!'"
"Lower your voice Hector, now is not the time......"
"Do not call me Hector! Not me of all people! I am Raul...Raul Juan Alvarez! The same name as that on the big bulletin sign outside. You stole my life Hector! The lie ends today!" Said the trembling gardener with the soiled white T-shirt.
"You have lost weight Hec... All that hair ......I barely recognized you brother."
"Yes.......twelve years in a Mexican prison will get you used to very few calories my brother. It took you a while to remember our special handshake eh."
"What is it that you want from me Hec... Juan?" Said the Priest.
"I want back my life..you bastard. You forced me to give up my identity in Mexico and take the blame for your wreck less (RECKLESS) crimes. You destroyed our family Hector. How could you threaten the lives of our dear mother and sister. You have any idea what was done to me in that prison....eh Hector?"
"I am different now Juan... a changed man. I cannot go back to being Hector. I am a man of God now can you not see that?"
"No! Never! You are a fraud. You are not even a real priest. You never went to seminary school. You stole all of my degrees and crossed the border. Left me to rot you stinking bastard!" The real Raul Juan heaved. "Changed? I doubt that. Changed?.... And there is so much money in those collection plates from those overweight Latinos with big rings...yet your church has rotting pews. How is that huh Hector...Maybe you can make their dirty money clean through the church eh brother?"

The church was essentially empty by now. The staff had all but left. But Sister Virginia stayed. (MOST OF THE STAFF HAD GONE BUT SISTER VIRGINIA STAYED AWHILE LONGER.) Not only did she stay but she lingered. She lingered close enough to hear the heated terse exchanges. Of course she was initially concerned with the safety of her beloved Father Alvarez, but the things overheard....cemented her feet to the ground and spittle drained from her open jaw. But when she heard the gardener say that the other had to die... then she decided that she needed help. She scampered on her wobbly high heels towards the vestibule. She took the corner by the last pew with great speed and had to hold on to the bench seat to steady herself. She forgot about the precaution and applied too much force for the rotting base and it fell backwards onto the tiled floor with a thunderous BANG! The noise was tremendously frightful (NO, SOMETHING ELSE HERE- IT WAS LOUD NOT FRIGHTFUL, PERHAPS IT WAS RESOUNDING, FRIGHTENING, THE FALLING BENCH CLAMORED…ETC.) and it echoed around the church walls with acoustic riot. Three doves in the rafters flapped their wings in aerial confusion and she screamed at her own clumsiness. (THIS IS GOOD- I LIKE THE DOVES)

Two brothers emerged from the confession chamber at the same time from separate doors and one was holding a revolver that spewed smoke from its barrel. Raul Alvarez dropped to the floor..... dying on his way down before he hit the tiles. Blood seeped from his chest through the white material (YOU CAN CALL HIS CLOTHING WHAT IT IS—A ROBE PERHAPS?) he was wearing.

Sister Virginia finally stopped screaming when the police and ambulance arrived. Before they entered the church, she watched as Raul Alvarez crouched down and place the warm revolver into the grip of the dead man. He swiveled to her.
"As you know........ I am bound by Vatican decree to never reveal what is said in the confines of the Sacrament of Confession....... under any circumstances...... with the threat of immediate excommunication."
She nodded.
"And that also goes for anyone who overhears the conversation from outside."
After having disturbed the body, a mix of blood and soil smeared his fingers. Father Raul Juan Alvarez put his dirty thumb on her forehead, made the sign of the cross and walked away. (THAT IS A GREAT ENDING, BY THE WAY)


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