This is an exceptionally well-structured story. There are issues of repetition that need attention. For instance, the word "along" appeared three times in the first two paragraphs "road" is misused. I should be "rode."
In this sentence: "You're right! I bet that that Harry would like them," the word that is repeated.
MInor issues but a reminder that editing is important.
I think you did an excellent job of laying out your story in a smooth-flowing fashion. The order of the tale was such that I didn't want to stop reading until I got to the end. Even then, I was hoping for more. Alas, there will be no more. You gave us all that the story had to offer.
You have done an excellent job of showing the confusion that surrounds the whole faux gender drama intrigue. It's amazing how standardized the issue has become. Is there a published guideline for what thoughts are permitted on the transgender routine?
That was no failed experiment. They just approached it from the wrong side of the bed. What they got was succeeded with was a human who could not talk. Or at least didn't dare talk. Buddy now has to figure out how to put a leash on John. Laurie knows how. Just watch her for a while.
Shat a delightful concept for a story. It's too bad that the tense switches are so glaring that they distracted me from the potential of the story. That is a nice use of the Easter Egg buried in the word "crush". This could have been a 5-star yarn with just a bit of planning.
Once again we have a well-crafted story with threads hanging all over it. Just as does Bobby's gift to the story. We see the hidden gem of the story stand with her special child to receive the blessing, while those who know all things are oblivious to the delightful resolution.
You're on the right track, Jack. To build a bio of an action thriller we need to know the character. inside and out. We know that he is 23 years old and living in Russia. Could he have abandoned the US in favor of the Communist system? Or, could that be a ploy to get him into the good graces of the party powerful. And what about the scar on his right shoulder that no one can see but that extends all the way to his sullen attitude?
We know, but he does not that the girl he thinks he left behind in Des Moines is also in Russia planning her revenge. Can They survive the Russian winter and still come across to the reader as a plausible red hot couple?
You certainly have a smooth flowing, short opening chapter. We've met someone we think might be a main character but we don't know yet. That is quite an interesting chapter hook to toss in that "Why do you think he was following you?" line.
Frankly, if I pick up a book dubbed 'A thriller' I prefer a little more action in the opening.
You did an excellent job of following your title by showing us the sounds of the season. Except for the missed opportunity to show other senses when you mention smoke. How about 'smoke in your eyes.' or the 'acrid aroma of burning leaves.' or if you are sticking with sound. 'the crackle of the flames producing the...
We've learned to expect the best in flash fiction from Jacky. Here, we get to enjoy a step from the usual, great. We see a plausible interchange between brothers and it's all dialogue culminating as we might think two brothers would end their mild dispute with the titular word "crap"
If you are setting about to find a career as a sportswriter, I believe You have taken a step in the right direction. Not that I would know what publishers are looking for in a summary of a sporting event, but from a sports fan's view your piece is clear, concise and touches all the elements that I'd expect.
It's a good thing I had my seat belt fastened when Charise took that turn. But then, it should not have been a surprise. We already knew where her loyalties were turning. Dante's last thoughts must have been that she had more imagination and initiative than he thought.
This is a nice job of letting the scene build while the reader is reading on just filling the blanks as you let the cat slowly out of the bag. We don't get to know who the dinosaur is, but we do learn that the advisor is the maternal grandmother.
Welcome to WDC, Tarasankar. After reading this piece. I think you will find the site interesting and that we'll find the works you post interesting.
the heart's door is a fascinating passageway. Perhaps a direct approach is the best way to go.
You left no doubt that Kenna Kitada wears the white hat in this tale.
He's a spot you might want to check Inconsistent tense.
She grabbed a thin file folder from the kitchen counter; the only thing out of place in the otherwise compulsively clean and tidy house. Plucking a set of keys from a side table next to the garage door, Kenna locks up and heads to the gray Ford Explorer.
Writing screenplays is surely the place to write if one wants to earn their livelihood with a pen (or keyboard) as that is clearly where today's market is for the writing craft, whether fiction or documentary.
Thanks for letting us know of "The Screenwriting Group." If I ever try get serious about writing I'll want to be a part of that.
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