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247 Public Reviews Given
250 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to pick up on stylistic issues, i.e. passive writing and spurious words like "that." I try to concentrate on continuity and the internal logic of the story. I do point out spelling and punctuation problems where I notice them.
I'm good at...
Offering re-write suggestions based on my (subjective) opinion. and the overall impression the writing leaves me with.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy especially Epic Fantasy. Sci-Fi, Spiritual.
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica, Vore, Shrinking
Least Favorite Item Types
Paranormal romance and anything with Vampires
I will not review...
XGC, Technical writing.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 -2- 3 ... Next
26
26
Review of Red Roses  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Here is a review from the CSFS. Please note these comments are my thoughts only and do not represent the CSFS. You are, of course free to agree or not with them. After all it is your work!

Overall Impression:

A new style of poetry for me, but I like it.

Issues:

I thought that the comma after melancholy was unnecessary and made the rhythym falter at this point

Conclusion:

I really enjoyed this thanks for sharing

Keep the Faith Keep Writing!!

Lord Norry Dragon of the CSFS
27
27
Review of IT'S STILL  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Here is a review from the CSFS. Please note these comments are my thoughts only and do not represent the CSFS. You are, of course free to agree or not with them. After all it is your work!

Overall Impression:

Nice concept, good sentiments expressed

Issues:

a little haphazard, I think you should try to put the expression "It's still" on a separate line to emphasize the point of the poem. Play around with the arrangement until it looks good and sounds rhythmical

Conclusion:

Nicely done thanks for sharing


Keep the Faith Keep Writing!!

Lord Norry Dragon of the CSFS
28
28
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Here is a review from the CSFS. Please note theese comments are my thoughts only and do not represent the CSFS. You are, of course free to agree or not with them. After all it is your work!

Overall Impression:

Nice short poem on a theme that many relate to.

Issues:

Second stanza, third line: leave out the "there are" it will make the poem much more concise. This is important in short poem.

Conclusion:

Nice skills demonstrated, Keep up the good work.


Keep the Faith Keep Writing!!

Lord Norry Dragon of the CSFS
29
29
Review of Tick Tock  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Here is a review from the CSFS. Please note theese comments are my thoughts only and do not represent the CSFS. You are, of course free to agree or not with them. After all it is your work!

Overall Impression:

I'm not a poet so not sure about what this style is called

Issues:

Stanzas two and three spoil the scheme> I think that the rhyming words should be the same then the scheme would be: 1-1-1-1-1-1


Conclusion:

I liked this and thank you for sharing

Keep the Faith Keep Writing!!

Lord Norry Dragon of the CSFS
30
30
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Here is a review from the CSFS. Please note these comments are my thoughts only and do not represent the CSFS. You are, of course free to agree or not with them. After all it is your work!

Overall Impression:

Nice rhythym even though the rhyming scheme is not consistent.
10-10-10-12-10-10-8-9-12-13 seems a little odd.

Issues:

The syllable scheme, perhaps better word choice might have gotten it in a more symetric scheme.

Lack of capitalization, particularly the personal pronoun "I"

Lack of proper punctuation, I know that poetry does not always follow rules of grammar, but it is still necessary for pacing.


Conclusion:

This is nice poetry and deserves proper formatting, Thanks for sharing


Keep the Faith Keep Writing!!

Lord Norry Dragon of the CSFS
31
31
Review of Grimorium Within  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Here is a review from the CSFS. Please note theese comments are my thoughts only and do not represent the CSFS. You are, of course free to agree or not with them. After all it is your work!

Overall Impression:

Nice style, good description

Issues:

There are some technical issues i.e. You wrote:

A boy still at seventeen years old, Phoenix was no longer a child, not yet a man. Flowing blonde hair fell down heavy set shoulders. Upon these rested a strong neck and a proud face. Eyes normally blue as the skies glowed an eerie green as he worked his Craft. However, he was getting it wrong, as he had been constantly for the last year, and the toll was showing, sweat running down his angled cheeks, his powerful legs bending a little with strain. This was his last week of training by the Essence Master and he couldn't fail this time.



I think that the word order and punctuation could be changed here to read:

Still a boy at seventeen years old, Phoenix was no longer a child, and not yet a man. Flowing blonde hair fell down heavy set shoulders, upon these rested a strong neck and a proud face eyes normally blue as the skies glowed an eerie green as he worked his Craft. He was getting it wrong, however, as he had been constantly for the last year, and the toll was showing sweat running down his angled cheeks, his powerful legs bending a little with strain. This was his last week of training by the Essence Master and he couldn't fail this time.


Conclusion:

This is a nice start to a fantasy involving magic. Thanks for sharing your work.




Keep the Faith Keep Writing!!

Lord Norry Dragon of the CSFS
32
32
Review of A Penny Saved ...  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Here is a review from the CSFS. Please note theese comments are my thoughts only and do not represent the CSFS. You are, of course free to agree or not with them. After all it is your work!

Overall Impression:

Good rhythym and use of language, nice pace throughout

Issues:

None

Conclusion:

Laugh out loud funny in the last stanza. Thanks for sharing this on WDC


Keep the Faith Keep Writing!!

Lord Norry Dragon of the CSFS
33
33
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Here is a review from the CSFS. Please note these comments are my thoughts only and do not represent the CSFS. You are, of course free to agree or not with them. After all it is your work!

Overall Impression:

Nicely put, my favourite lines all of verse two.

Issues:

None noted


Conclusion:

Thoughtful and well rounded out piece of poetry.

Keep up the good work and thanks for sharing.

Keep the Faith Keep Writing!!

Lord Norry Dragon of the CSFS
34
34
Review of Scratch  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Here is a review from the CSFS. Please note these comments are my thoughts only and do not represent the CSFS. You are, of course free to agree or not with them. After all it is your work!

Overall Impression:

Nice piece of writing, use of colloquialisim seems well done from my POV as a Brit. I thought this might be a bit of insight in to the stupidity of the Lotto, or lotterys of any sort. I did not anticipate the twist at the end, so well done.

Issues:

None noted


Conclusion:

Nice work that I enjoyed reading, thanks for sharing and well done.


Keep the Faith Keep Writing!!

Lord Norry Dragon of the CSFS
35
35
Review of Just a Farmer  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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Here is a review from the CSFS. Please note theese comments are my thoughts only and do not represent the CSFS. You are, of course free to agree or not with them. After all it is your work!

Overall Impression:

Nice rhyming style and content, though I wondered where you were going with this given the title. Laugh out loud moment with the last quatrain. I still chuckle now.

Issues:

None

Example:

None required

Conclusion:

Terrific piece of comedic writing, thanks for sharing


Keep the Faith Keep Writing!!

Lord Norry Dragon of the CSFS
36
36
Review of Prudent Behavior  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Here is a review from the CSFS. Please note theese comments are my thoughts only and do not represent the CSFS. You are, of course free to agree or not with them. After all it is your work!

SO here is the Review:

Overall Impression:

Very easy to read and vocalise, you have used words in a very rhythmic way, keeping to the rhyming scheme impressively well. So much of the Iambic Hept/pentameter poetry you will read here is not like that, but clumsy and overly contrived.
THe philosophy you are trying to communicate is clear and unambiguous, easy to follow, unlike some that I have read!

Issues:

None

Conclusion:

This is a very nice and beautifully written poem. Hence the 5.0 rating Keep up the good work!


Keep the Faith Keep Writing!!

Lord Norry Dragon of the CSFS
37
37
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Here is a review from the CSFS. Please note theese comments are my thoughts only and do not represent the CSFS. You are, of course free to agree or not with them. After all it is your work!

Overall Impression:

very well written, excellent use of formatting for the two sides of the story until the transplant. Emotion of gratitude beautifully expressed

Issues:

None noted

Example:

Favourite lines: "I live in the midst of dying"
and "He died in the midst of living"

excellent counterpoint

Conclusion:

Well crafted piece of experiential poetry


Keep the Faith Keep Writing!!

Lord Norry Dragon of the CSFS
38
38
Review of Mind&Soul  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Here is a review from the CSFS. Please note theese comments are my thoughts only and do not represent the CSFS. You are, of course free to agree or not with them. After all it is your work!

Overall Impression:

For your first piece in the WDC a good effort. I admire the commitment that it takes to hang your work out in an open forum that allows for reviewing. Particularly on the subject of personal belief.
This is written in a very concise way, you have wasted no words at all, however therein lies a problem.

Issues:

I feel that this works as a synopsis for a longer piece, which would have quotations from secular sources to validate your points and more reference to scripture.
For example, you alluded to Darwin but gave no exact quote.

Your capitalization of God was inconsistent.

I felt that the title was a little misleading since you made no mention of "mind," using instead "Logic." Try to make the title fit the contents better.


Conclusion:

All in all very good for a first posting. Keep on writing.


Keep the Faith Keep Writing!!

Lord Norry Dragon of the CSFS
39
39
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Here is a review from the CSFS. Please note theese comments are my thoughts only and do not represent the CSFS. You are, of course free to agree or not with them. After all it is your work!

Overall Impression:

A nice piece short but very well expressed, you use the English language very well and write descriptively, not many authors have the knack of writing description well.

Issues:

A couple of typos and misplaced commas, nothing a thorough reaad through won't pick up. Tip: after writing a piece, no matter how well you proof and edit, go back and re-read in a week, you will be surprised at how much you have missed.


Conclusion:

I can see you writing a published work, in time, in the mean time apply to Lord Hammerhelm for a place in the CSFS if fantasy is your bag.


Keep the Faith Keep Writing!!

Lord Norry Dragon of the CSFS
40
40
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
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Here is a review from the CSFS. Please note theese comments are my thoughts only and do not represent the CSFS. You are, of course free to agree or not with them. After all it is your work!

Overall Impression:

I liked the story and the writing style, nice way to break writers cramp, I find that reviewing can do this on occasion.

Issues:

Just the one in the second paragraph you wrote:


Screwing up was kind of a specialty of mine. I never graduated from college, barely graduated from high school, and was either a spectacular failure or an unremarkably mediocre and just about every job I’ve ever held down.


I think that the red portion could be better expressed this way:

and was either a spectacular failure or an unremarkable mediocre at just about every job

OR

and was either a spectacular failure or unremarkably mediocre at just about every job

Of the two I prefer the former.

Conclusion:

Nice job


Keep the Faith Keep Writing!!

Lord Norry Dragon of the CSFS
41
41
Review of Mist  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Here is a review from the CSFS. Please note theese comments are my thoughts only and do not represent the CSFS. You are, of course free to agree or not with them. After all it is your work!

Overall Impression:

I am glad that I am part of this Dragon raid, since I may not have found your very interesting Port.
I can't express how impressed I am with your style and inventiveness in thise poem it was beautifully done.

Issues:

None noted


Conclusion:

Whatever you do carry on writing you have a real gift thanks for sharing.


Keep the Faith Keep Writing!!

Lord Norry Dragon of the CSFS
42
42
Review of To Let You Go  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Here is a review from the CSFS. Please note theese comments are my thoughts only and do not represent the CSFS. You are, of course free to agree or not with them. After all it is your work!

Overall Impression:

H,i Me again. Another excellent job in this style, favourite couplet, second in the first stanza,

Issues:

None noted

Conclusion:

Keep up the good work!

Keep the Faith Keep Writing!!

Lord Norry Dragon of the CSFS
43
43
Review of When I Was Young  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Here is a review from the CSFS. Please note theese comments are my thoughts only and do not represent the CSFS. You are, of course free to agree or not with them. After all it is your work!

Overall Impression:

You have demonstrated a good understanding of the Sonnet style. Favourite couplet was undoubtably the first one.

Issues:

Nothing serious

Conclusion:

Good work and well done. You have an interestinf style and I will be having a look at some of your other work.


Keep the Faith Keep Writing!!

Lord Norry Dragon of the CSFS
44
44
Review of Forming Addiction  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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Here is a review from the CSFS. Please note these comments are my thoughts only and do not represent the CSFS. You are, of course free to agree or not with them. After all it is your work!

Overall Impression:

This is a nice insight into the addiction process. I particularly liked the line about "A fair warning is never asked" very inciteful. This is a non rhyming poem and well thought out

Issues:

There are couple of issues ato do with spelling and word usage.

Example:

You Wrote:

The full moon comes and

I lose my mind

All reason is lost and my self control is tested nd fails Missed an A in and

Somehow I recruit new ones for this adventure

A clue, they aren't given, just the way I love it

Get mixed up with my plan and getting out seems impossible

Addiction is possible and is common Try probable rather than possible

Say you won't go down in such a way

Not knowing what exactly what's in store

Go in blindly and I'll correct your vision just for a moment, so reality can set in Add a comma after vision it will pace the reading better

Still, you wont let go!

The addition is way too strong for such simple minds I feast on! Replace such with "the"


Conclusion:

you have a nice writing style in this piece and communicate the hunger of addiction by personalising it nicely. All in all a good job.


Keep the Faith Keep Writing!!

Lord Norry Dragon of the CSFS
45
45
Review of REFUSE TO GET OLD  
Rated: E | (4.5)


Hi GW,

Firstly, welcome back to the WDC. I hope you become a an active member and enjoy the communities here.

This is a review from a CSFS member. Please note that I am not a professional editor/reviewer, my comments and opinions are meant to encourage better writing not to criticise. Feel free to discard or adopt any or all of my suggestions, after all this is your work.

Overall impression:

Right, I am 10 yrs younger than you, and know where you are coming from. "Age is a state of mind" If no one has said that before then I claim copyright!
I have the distinct feeling that one has to be of a certain level of experience to "lock on" to your ethos. WE could start an "Old Farts" or "Grumpy Old Men" group and sound off at each other in a way that the feisty youth cannot understand.

Issues:

Apart from your "Run on" sentence none serious enough to comment on.


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Keep the faith, Keep writing
Norry


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
46
46
Review of Born Dead  
Rated: E | (4.5)


Hi Marcus, Firstly let me welcome you to the WDC and, since you write in the genre, apply to the CSFS where you will meet similarly minded individuals.

This is a review from a CSFS member. Please note that I am not a professional editor/reviewer, my comments and opinions are meant to encourage better writing not to criticise. Feel free to discard or adopt any or all of my suggestions, after all this is your work.

Overall impression:

I liked the story, it read well and you have a natural grasp of story telling. The "Plot" was logical with no glaring jumps in continuity, or in the internal logic of the story.
Well done!!


Issues:

This paragraph stood out to me. You wrote:


Mom was always an optimist. And she always cheered me up when we talked about the future. But Mom hasn’t been able to talk for a long time now. And because of the condition I was born with I may not be able to talk in a few years either.

I felt thet this was weak, because you started sentences with and and but, This spolied the continuity for me. You could try to rework the paragraph to read better

Like this:


Mom was always an optimist.[comma] And she always cheered me up when we talked about the future. But[However] Mom hasn’t been able to talk for a long time now.[comma] and because of the condition I was born with[comma] I may not be able to talk in a few years either.


I hope that you find my comments useful and enjoy the WDC

Norry
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Keep the faith, Keep writing
Norry


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
47
47
Rated: E | (4.5)


Hi Timothy

Firstly, thank you for putting your argument on this site, secondly thank you for writing in a way that avoided inflammatory language that would alienate those who hold to a contrary opinion. I feel it is important to avoid this, otherwise how can we persuade them to our way of thinking? Richard Dawkins utilises an inflammatory style that angers believers, an example that believers should avoid.

This is a very well written and reasoned piece of writing, it appeals well to ligic and addresses the problem of how to prove the existence of a Creator very nicely.

My favourite paragraph was the one starting "the supernaturalist..." very well done!!

I, however, have one serious caveat to your conclusions. This is based on the argument that "supernature" can interact with "nature," as you have defined them, then the conclusion of the Christian belief is that, in fulfilment of the Lords Prayer "Your Kingdom come," for that event will be a direct intervention of the supernatural in to the natural world. THEN everyone alive will know that God exists and has plans for man and this world, and no further "Empirical" proof will be required.

Norry


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Keep the faith, Keep writing
Norry
48
48
Rated: E | (4.5)


Hi Chris

I really enjoyed your treatment of the Dog pee problem, you wrote with Knowledge and humour, it is hard to find anything to "mark down" on. However, I am not to be put off! it may be a technical language difference, but in the UK the term NOD is expressed as "reverse osmosis" which describes the physiological method by which this damage occurs.

Since you are a Lawn ecpert, I am a little surprised that you did not recommend a remedy for the damaged grass, this would have made the article complete.

That aside a very good piece of writing, you should do more. Advice that is reliable is not too easy to come by.

BTW I was a Head gardener in Greenwich CT just down the road in 2000/1

All the best, Keep writing


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Keep the faith, Keep writing
Norry


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
49
49
Review of Dragonbone  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi Sir Paendrag

I am reviewing this piece as a fellow member of the Lords of High Fantasy group.

Overall:

This is a nice poem with reasonable flow and rhyme, although I found a couple of verses a little awkward This versz in particular I felt could be reworked to produce a better flow

At first Will incinerated, caught fire and started to fall
But the Great Wizard's sceptre he'd captured
Turned the great flame into a great wall
As strange blaze left Helfyre enraptured

Visual impact:

You have run two stanxas together creating an eight line verse, also you need to capitalize Will in the first line of the second verse. Second last line last verse Will,s should be Will's apostrophe not comma.

Otherwise Well Done!

The word pictures that you create are nicely done.



Keep the faith, Keep writing

Norry
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
50
50
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)


Hi John

This is your best chapter so far in the story, there is a tangible sense of tension that builds up until the attack on the two remaining Revenent soldiers.
Dialogues and descriptions are good too. I don't see much to critique in this piece at all.

You wrote:

Before her privileged lifestyle was cut short during a Revenant raid on Nu’Jin, no member of the Vauters bloodline would ever be considered less than gifted. Rachel’s was a home of luxury, and her closet showed it; consistently lined with a wide assortment of the finest clothing. Having been born to a famous artist, her family commanded great respect in the culturally diverse city just south of the great lakes.

I feel that the tenses are mixed here and not consistent

You could try:

Before her privileged lifestyle was cut short during a Revenant raid on Nu’Jin, no member of the Vauters bloodline was ever considered less than gifted. Rachel’s home had been one of luxury, and her closet had shown it; consistently lined with a wide assortment of the finest clothing. Having been born to a famous artist, her family commanded great respect in the culturally diverse city just south of the great lakes.

This reads a little better to my eye, but that is only my opinion i am no great judge of grammar.

You have introduced an intriguing new character in the person of Darren, one wonders how he might turn out. I am glad to see that you have not used obscenity in this chapter, it makes for more delightful reading.

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Keep the faith, Keep writing
Norry


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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