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247 Public Reviews Given
250 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to pick up on stylistic issues, i.e. passive writing and spurious words like "that." I try to concentrate on continuity and the internal logic of the story. I do point out spelling and punctuation problems where I notice them.
I'm good at...
Offering re-write suggestions based on my (subjective) opinion. and the overall impression the writing leaves me with.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy especially Epic Fantasy. Sci-Fi, Spiritual.
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica, Vore, Shrinking
Least Favorite Item Types
Paranormal romance and anything with Vampires
I will not review...
XGC, Technical writing.
Public Reviews
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51
51
In affiliation with TGDI Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)


Hi Care

Not sure how to review this piece, since I did not understand why the magician is evil. There was no real description of any motive that implied evil.
Having said that I did like the story. It seems, to me at any rate, to be the start of a much longer story, possibly a prologue?
Descriptive writing is very well done you have a flair for descriptive writing it seems.
There are a couple of things:

You wrote:

with an eldritch light. "It is done", as he picked

My suggestion is to add He said to this i.e.

with an eldritch light. "It is done", he said as he picked

Also

A war cry was shouted as the beast dove off the cliff.

would be more descriptive as

The beast screamed a war cry as it dove off the cliff


Just my suggestions hope they help.



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Keep the faith, Keep writing
Norry


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
52
52
Review of Jayda's Honor  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)


Hi Jason,

I liked the story and found it engaging. You have a knack as a story teller, and a good grasp of narrative style. There are a couple of typos and commas and such but i am not an expert on punctuation (I ask my wife to proof read stuff and always get pulled up) So well done although I feel that a longer story is in the making here if you want.


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Keep the faith, Keep writing
Norry


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
53
53
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi there, you have been raided by a spring Elf!!

Hello Douglas you are being raided by a Dark Elf from the CSFS Dark Room BOO!! We are on a spring jaunt through the ports of newbies to the World of WDC.

On with the review:

I liked the story, Rasi reminded me of Doc. Ock from the 2nd Spiderman movie, only meat rather than metal straps. The descriptive passages work well and are a nice read. You have a knack in storytelling. Guess you know that since you are about to be published!!

I may very well get a copy in the fall.

Keep up the writing it seems to suit you!!



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Here is a CSFS Elf Raid Review to celebrate You!

Norry Proud member of the CSFS
Keep the Faith Keep Writing!!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
54
54
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi there, you have been raided by a spring Elf!!



Hi there John!! YOu are a victim of the CSFS Spring Elf raid!!

I like the concept in the title about a Theocracy as the salvationof the dying world, the idea that it is a cruel hegemony also fits with the theocracys that we know i.e. Iran. The total obedience, justified by religion, and therefore having Gods' approval, is a nice idea.
You have started the story with those who have rejected the Theocracy and want to live their own lives. It will be nice to see how this story is to develop beyond the inital couple of chapters that I have read. At sone point the characters will have to interact with each other. Also the questions raised in the opening will need answered and explained to some extent.

YOuo have rated this as 18+, I think because of the use of the F**k word, yet the story, to me at least reads more like Young Adult. My advice lose the obscenity, it is not crucial to the story and will allow you to gain more readers in the 13+ bracket.

All in all, not a bad piece of storytelling, please continue and finish this work

Norry


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Here is a CSFS Elf Raid Review to celebrate You!

Norry Proud member of the CSFS
Keep the Faith Keep Writing!!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
55
55
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi there, you have been raided by a spring Elf!!


Aha!! Kleo, your port has just been raided by me a mischevious Elf in Tree bark clothing, damn this is ichy. (Must find new duds soon.) We are having a raid on newbie ports over the solstice period.

On with the review!!

Taking what you say in the header in to account, I found this to be a very interesting start. You have set up the story well in that you have raised questions in the readers mind that will need to be addressed as the story goes along. This good story telling, because it keeps the reader involved and reading. What every author wants really. So well done! You have a natural style about your writing that I find pleasing.

Keep on writing, and take a look in at the Espresso bar for other fantasy writers, see yoou there.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Here is a CSFS Elf Raid Review to celebrate You!

Norry Proud member of the CSFS
Keep the Faith Keep Writing!!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
56
56
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi there, you have been raided by a spring Elf!!

Hello Elvinlord!! Your port has been raided by a sneaky Elf from the CSFS.

First aallow me to congratulate you on finding the premier web resource for writers. The only place, in fact, where Elves turn up unexpectedly and review your work.

So on with my review!!

I liked the story you are telling, as always in the fantasy genre You can start a story anywhere and fill in the details as the story unfolds. My biggest problem with your writing, is that this is one HUGE paragraph. You need to break it up into locical portions. Also ypu need to get a grip on the proper use of punctuation.

It seems to me that you have just sat down and written this piece with out pausing to structure the way it looks on the page. This is perfectly legitimate for drafting a piece. I just write (type) as the muse carries me along with no regard of proper sentence structure, punctuation or spelling. This gets the thoughts on the page before they fade. However, I have to review, spell check and edit the piece until I am happy with the way it appears. It is fine to "brainstorm" but you need to realise that the process needs refining afterwards, this is a necessary part of the craft.

The best tip I can give is to write in a quality Word processor and use the tools to refine your writing. You can then copy to the WDC after the editing is done.

Keep writing and, since you are an Elf, join us in the CSFS. See you there!!!


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Here is a CSFS Elf Raid Review to celebrate You!

Norry Proud member of the CSFS
Keep the Faith Keep Writing!!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
57
57
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there, you have been raided by a spring Elf!!

Hello Krowd! Firstly allow me to congratulate you on finding WDC the no. 1 Writers site on the 'net. Where friendly Elves lend a helping hand to Newbies, I know because I have had a lot of helpful stuff from them myself.

My Review of your work.

I like the story that you are describing here, long lived "Humans?" interesting. A threat to humanity, or from them?
Questions posed in the narrative lead the reader to want to have them answered, so they keep reading. Well done!

I notice from your Bio that you are in Sweden, if English is not your first language then doubly well done!!

I noted that you wrote

"Pray tell. To what do I owe the pleasure of your company tonight?" He exaggerated the words in an attempt ...

I think that here exaggerated is not the right word, try embellished
"Pray tell. To what do I owe the pleasure of your company tonight?" He
embellished his words in an attempt ...

Change the to his, this makes the sentence then flows better and sounds less clumsy. Sorry to be critical but I mean to help you write better.
Since Fantasy is in your blood, why not join us in the CSFS, where like minded folks will help you in your craft.



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Here is a CSFS Elf Raid Review to celebrate You!

Norry Proud member of the CSFS
Keep the Faith Keep Writing!!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
58
58
Review of Black Frontier  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there, you have been raided by a spring Elf!!

Hello Seth! Firstly allow me to welcome you to the WDC the best and most supportive writers site on the 'net. We at CSFS are raiding and reviewing the work in the ports of Newbies.

I liked your story. I thought that you nicely led the reader along in the narrative and provided the right level of anticipation as well.
I must admit that I did not see the implied history of raiding by the Aliens, with the revealing of the 1000yr old tooth, nice touch.

My review:

A good editor will have you cut unnecessary words from the story, in other words, get you to tell the story in the minimum of words, an example in your story would be.

You wrote:

The shuttle settled and hovered a few feet above the ground. As soon as he felt the forward motion stop, Jack hit the rear hatch release button and led his three companions down the ramp and away from the tingling repulsor fields. The instant the pilot saw that the four were clear, he pulled the shuttle away from the ground and began climbing back to the safety of space.

You might try:

The shuttle settled and hovered a few feet above the ground. As he felt the forward motion stop Jack hit the rear hatch release and led his three companions down the ramp away from the tingling repulsor fields. The instant that the four were clear, the pilot pulled the shuttle away from the ground and began the long climb back to the safety of space.

This removes the redundant words and improves the conciseness of the reading. try also to keep the paragraphs short, since the modern reader has little patience with long ones.

You need to use Military language in the comms. This is very specific and clear language to avoid confusion.

i.e. You wrote:

“My comm has been jammed but I’m well away from the initial contact area.

Try:

“Comms were jammed and I’m now well away from the initial Evac. zone"

This has the effect of heightening the dramatic element of the story.

All in all a very good start, refine and edit the story and it will improve. I hope you find my comments helpful.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Here is a CSFS Elf Raid Review to celebrate You!

Norry Proud member of the CSFS
Keep the Faith Keep Writing!!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
59
59
Review of DemiGod  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi there, you have been raided by a spring Elf!!

Hello Nat, Fancy me raiding you!! Still it all counts in the Spring Raid.

Firstly I liked the story, you have a fertile and imaginative mind. The mixture of Norse and Greek mythology, nice touch.

There are, however, some issues. Your paragraphing is a bit full on, in that there are few breaks in a large block of writing for example you wrote:

'As I well know Hera' I responded 'but you fail to realize I don't need to be more powerful than you to defeat you, I just needed to be smarter' I closed my eyes and drew in a deep breath concentrating deep down in the earth, bringing my hands together in front of me I curled my fingers up to sky and slowly raised my hands. Pulling the magic up from the earth, I tingled all over and sweat broke out on my face. Hera began laughing at me 'Pathetic child, I will kill you' Almost to the limit of my power I pulled harder. Slowly a tiny shoot appeared on the ground below Hera, then another and another until a hundred tiny shoots broke free, they grew up and slithered over the goddess like thousands of tiny serpents, spreading and growing over her porcelain skin. 'No' she shriek at me, realization dawning on her. The vines covered her whole body and grew thicker and stronger, she was powerless against them. Small thorns grew out from the many steam and pierced Hera all over 'she screamed in agony 'No' she screamed again thrashing as much as she was able. Small pinpricks of blood appeared on her body. The thorns continues to grow longer and thicker pushing though her body like she was not even there. '

This layout seems large and fairly featureless from a visual point of view. You could try:

'As I well know Hera' I responded 'but you fail to realize I don't need to be more powerful than you to defeat you, I just needed to be smarter'

I closed my eyes and drew in a deep breath concentrating deep down in the earth. Bringing my hands together in front of me, I curled my fingers up to sky and slowly raised my hands. Pulling the magic up from the earth, I tingled all over and sweat broke out on my face.

Hera began laughing at me 'Pathetic child, I will kill you'

Almost to the limit of my power I pulled harder. Slowly a tiny shoot appeared on the ground below Hera, then another and another until a hundred tiny shoots broke free, they grew up and slithered over the goddess like thousands of tiny serpents, spreading and growing over her porcelain skin.

'No' she shrieked at me, realization dawning on her. The vines covered her whole body and grew thicker and stronger, she was powerless against them. Small thorns grew out from the many stems and pierced Hera all over.
She screamed in agony 'No' she screamed again thrashing as much as she was able. Small pinpricks of blood appeared on her body. The thorns continues to grow longer and thicker pushing though her body like she was not even there.

This breaks up the narrative into easier to "digest" portions. It also separates the two characters in this section and makes the story a little easier to follow. (I also fiddled with the spelling and punctuation.)
There are also issues with commas (pesky things!! we all have trouble with them *Wink*) Careful proof-reading will pick up a couple of spelling errors.

Well Nat that is all for now, I hope you find my comments helpful. See you in the Espresso bar!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Here is a CSFS Elf Raid Review to celebrate You!

Norry Proud member of the CSFS
Keep the Faith Keep Writing!!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
60
60
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Nat

Chapter 2 ok. Here goes, as far as the story goes it is yours to tell, and is going well so far. You may need to flesh out the characters personalities as this will help the reader to form a liking (or even a dislike) for them. Tah'lon for example, we know very little about how he feels about Airianna. That may, of course, be your intention, in which case, fair enough.

There are a couple of words that have escaped the spell check.

Summery should be Summary (It raised a smile though!)
And one boards a ship since if one bored it, it is not much use as a ship!

Perhaps a little more description may help.
The first line could contain more that gives a feeling of fear. Perhaps Faith could face her death in the nightmare from some unrecognisable enemy then wake. Or You could provide some unrevealed part of the attack in flashback using the nightmare to get it into the readers mind.

I'm having a little trouble with the expression "She would have none of it" I think you could lose the second mention of them without spoiling the piece.

There are a few minor typos and misplaced commas, otherwise nice work.

Keep the faith Keep writing

Norry
61
61
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Airila,

I liked the piece good description especially in the first part. A couple of things that might connect the story together a little better.

You wrote Line 1:

>He shuffled forward, one dirty boot before the other, mud squelching through the worn cloth<

The sentence works better like this:

> He shuffled forward, one dirty canvas boot before the other, mud squelching through the worn cloth.<

Or:

> He shuffled forward, one dirty cloth boot before the other, mud squelching through the worn material.<

This is more coherent because it connects the cloth and the boot leaving no ambiguity in the sentence.

You also wrote:

>and a single straight arrow, smoothed and fletched perfectly with white goose feathers.<

Could be:

>and a single straight arrow, smooth, polished and perfectly fletched with white goose feathers.<

This is a point of grammar the adjective before the verb it refers to makes the sentence "flow" more easily. Adding "polished" to the description connects the arrow to its end description in a way that concludes the story nicely.

I hope my comments are of use to you. It is a nicely written piece and could form the basis of a chapter long short story, because it raises questions.

Was the killing deliberate?
If so why?
What is the back story to the old Archer?

If you do write a chapter drop me a line so that I can have a read.

Keep the faith Keep writing.

Norry
62
62
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Raiden

Really liked the first chapter, it had a good start and a nice conclusion. There is much to praise here as the dialogue is well scripted and the sense of farce is maintained throughout. there is a give away in the early part of the scene that gives a sense of anticipation about the arrival of Ganondalf, When? How will he react about being impersonated?

One thing though in the line:

> “Oi, common now ‘Ganondalf’! You broke the poor lad’s heart!” one of the patrons called.<
(The one with the giveaway in.)

Is "common now" dialect for "come on now" if so then perhaps putting more dialect in the sentence will make it more obvious i.e.
> “Oi, common now ‘Ganondalf’! You brake the puir lad’s hert!” one of the patrons called.<

Very good parody on the LOTR that so many in the espresso hall have read, and some may be a little put out by the iconoclasm that this portrays, but that is their problem.

Looking forward to Chapter 2

Keep the faith and keep writing


Norry
63
63
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi Nabutterflyblue

I enjoyed reading your story and liked the way you have set up the continuation for the recovery of the Kingdom (If that is your intention!)

There are also a number of questions raised that will need answering
1 Who was the "inside man or woman?"
2 Who is Faith?
3 What are her relationships to the Royal Family?
4 Do faith and Tah'lon have a "thang" goin' on? In the line

Just one little thing. In the line "He had just come from the Lady Amaranths apartments, who was a close friend of the queens."
It sounded like a plural "Queens"
Perhaps "He had just come from the Lady Amaranths apartments, who was a close friend of the queen." may be better and avoid confusion

Anyhow looking forward to reading more

Norry
64
64
Review of Satan's Waitin'  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Short and nicely concice, although fatalistic. Nice one
Norry
65
65
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
Hi Katherine,
The concept is interesting, the preface seems to describe the "good vs. evil" scenario. But your descriptions need to be tightened. The relationship between Peace and Faerie, Peace seems to be the minor partner, are Fae and Faerie the same? Questions arise about the origin of Dragda, Where did Danu come from? Follow the law of "cause and effect" If you are to describe an effect you must imply the cause. This is a logical device that helps to provide an easy to understand sequence in the narrative. I know that this is a preface, But it should allow the reader to be drawn into the story, If the questiolns raised are too convoluted the reader will simply find another story to read. On the positive side, I Like the partnership between the faerie and the dragon, definitely worth pursuing.


Norry
66
66
Review of The Incarnates  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Really good start, seems to be a bit like the bodysnatchers though, with the pods and all. If you intend to expand this into a novel, and you should, please be careful not to follow a similar story line. Try to create a new theme to the "alien takeover" scenario. Ansswer the questions raised in the short story: Why are we being taken over? Where have they come from? What are the "blank" humanoids? Will \the human race survive? Will there be some problems with the transfer process that make the takeover fail or flawed from the alien point of view? Will the humans pose a unique challenge to the aliens ? have they done this elsewhere?

I did really enjoy the story and if I had been browsing flysheets in my bookstore I would have bought it. I would like to read more

Norcp
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