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Review Requests: ON
360 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I like to give friendly advice that I hope will help, not harm.
I'm good at...
I enjoy picking out spelling mistakes. Bad punctuation also bothers me.
Favorite Genres
Fiction
Least Favorite Genres
poetry, fan fiction, fantasy, anything erotic or about death, gay or lesbian
Favorite Item Types
flash fiction, short stories
Least Favorite Item Types
long stories, novels, poems, lyrics. I don't write them so I don't feel as though I can review them.
I will not review...
Anything erotic or with cruelty to people or animals. I will not review anything dealing with the gay/lesbian lifestyle.
Public Reviews
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for entry "~Me and Food~
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Thank you for sharing your blog. I am reviewing on behalf of The Talent Pond.

I too have a problem with eating while watching videos. Seems like I have to have something munchy, something crunchy. So If I limit myself to a bowl of the favorite snack of the week, usually crunchy chips, I try to not refill it. Or eat out of the bag.

Several years ago hubby and I started eating 2 meals a day. Breakfast then a main meal at 2 PM. Then a snack about 5 pm and nothing after 6 PM. I can do the main meals okay, but I often find myself eating a snack at 8 PM, 9 PM or later. Not good.

I also went gluten free, for the most part, several years ago. We eat very little gluten in our house. That helps with eight sometimes.

So, giving up for Lent. I'm a Christian. I don't see the value in that. Sacrifice should be daily, all year round, not just a 6 week period before Easter. But that's my opinion. People give up things for Lent then after Easter binge on what they gave up. Makes no sense to me. Jesus never asked us to do that. He asks us to change for the better.

I pray you have victory over your food issues. It is a hard battle, but it can be won. God Bless.
Norma







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2
2
Review of That Chair There  
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Axton Gard ! I am reviewing your poem per your request. This review is affiliated with the Talent Pond.

My Thoughts: I find the rhyming amusing. I am not a poet, so I'm no expert on the rhyming structure.

My Favorite Part:

My Suggestions: There were a few points where I would make changes.
Chairs in all colors: red, blue, white and green. White is not a color. I like the sound of 'red, blue and green'. I'd delete white.
“That chair over there, that big chair that I see Too many 'thats'. Perhaps omit the last one.'
“That chair over there, that one that’s so wide.” Again, too many 'thats'. Maybe change or omit one 'that'.

My Favorite Part: The realization there is no turning back from decisions sometimes. I could see a fun illustration of a little child, boy or girl, turning into a chair.

You have an amusing poem. Reminds me vaguely of a Dr. Seuss rhyme, in a way. I don't know if that is intentional on your part. I would rewrite a few items, take out the repeated words, but other than that, not much else I would change.

Thank you for letting me review your work.

Keep Calm and Write On!!

NormaJean Queen *Crown*

“All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.” Ernest Hemingway








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3
3
Review of The Shed  
for entry "Liam’s Folly
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am reviewing your story on behalf of The Talent Pond.

I think this is amusing. You asked if the punctuation is correct. There are a few times you misplaced the punctuation marks. And once when the muse is thinking, you maybe could use italics or just 'this', to indicate a non-speaking thought.

I will suggest that you use another adjective beside 'nice' in the beginning.

They were dressed nicely, but Gwendolyn worried that they might be grossly under dressed. She had on a light brown leather sports jacket over a cream-colored blouse. Nice designer blue jeans topped the brown cowboy boots she was wearing. Liam was wearing nice jeans, with a cream-colored button-down shirt t

Nice/nicely is used three times in that passage.

Perhaps this: She wore designer blue jeans, cowboy boots and a light brown leather jacket (women don't usually identify with sports jackets) over a cream-colored blouse. Liam wore his best jeans with a matching cream-colored button-down shirt.

The story itself flows well, the action seems believable.

Good luck.

Write on!
NJ


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4
4
Rated: E | (5.0)


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5
5
Review of Memento Mori  
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I am reviewing this contest entry on behalf of The Talent Pond.

Chilling story. I liked how you portrayed the attorney, as well as the main characters. There was good tension, and a satisfying ending. The resolution was not unexpected but yet was. I didn't see that coming. So I guess that is what makes a enjoyable tale.

I saw no technical errors.

Families, so much drama. And an unending source of writing ideas.

Thanks,
NormaJean


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6
6
Review of The Shed  
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am reviewing your entry on behalf of The Talent Pond.

Well then, this has the potential to be a much longer story. I see more adventures with Dave and Clio as a possibility.

Technically, I could find few faults. A misspelled word appeared, I'm sure you meant 'across' = a cross = since you used it correctly further on. A few quotation marks not completed, but these are minor fixes that can be corrected with rereading with an eye for errors.

At times, things read a little passive, I think rewording portions would help.
For example: Standing up, he looked at the walls and ceiling around the gaping hole.
Maybe: Dave stuggled to his feet. Rough, crumbly walls and ceiling surrounded a gaping hole. A plan formed.

So keep on writing. This, as I mentioned, has the potential for a longer story.

Thanks for letting me review your piece.
Write on!
NormaJean


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7
7
for entry "~ Two Hugs ~
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Ah, family. The reality of family dynamics are raw and real in your writing. I think we have in our minds an idea of what we want our family to be. Unfortunately, life doesn't always deliver to us what we want. I don't have a clue anymore what a family is supposed to be, and that is painful for me daily.

You captured the pain that many feel daily. Thanks for being brave enough for sharing.


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8
8
Review of The Ooze  
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello there. I am reviewing this story on behalf of The Talent Pond.

First of all, this is a short little dramatic story. You have a start of a much larger tale, in my opinion.

Some thoughts,
I don't understand this: in his self-consciously cheap, ill-fitting polyester suit,
What does self-consciously have to do with a suit? Perhaps 'obviously' would be a better term? I think I know what you're trying to portray here.

You have the verb 'sat' mentioned two times in the same statement:
sat there and then again sat with
Maybe mix it up a bit. I would change it to 'his fingers steepled' since you already established he is sitting.

Then I would break up that sentence even more:
not quite smiling, his expression too comfortable to be called yet a sneer.
Perhaps: Not quite smiling, his expression was too comfortable to be called a sneer.

I'm not sure about the ending. It leaves me wanting a better resolution. Why were we there? What is going on here? You state there is no plot, just atmosphere. So give us that reason all the players are on the stage.

Good luck in your writing.

NormaJean





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9
9
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I'm still riding my bike and I'm also of a certain age. I like this story. I pray that doesn't happen to me one day.

Good job. No problems I could see.


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10
10
Review of The UFO  
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Fun story. Lots of good drama. And to think it was all a dream. Go figure.

The only thing I would change is the line spacing. It threw me off at first. Perhaps change the font, make it larger. Then keep to single space lines but double between paragraphs. Does that make sense to you?

And you do know you can link your work using this: {bitem:} Then after the : put in the number of your story. It's a faster, easier way to post stories on the site. You can find this on Writing.com Tools - off to the left on your page.
Link to Item (Basic)
Link to Item in "Clean" Format
Link to Item in "Big" Format
Link to Item in "Genre" Format
Link to Item in "Icon" Format
Link to Item in "Time" Format
Link to Item in "Line" Format
Link to Item in "Line Rating" Format
Link to Item in "Line Time" Format
Link to Item in "Line Description" Format
Link to Item in "Rating" Format
Link to Item in "Double Line" Format
Link to Item in "ID" Format

All those tutorials are a big help, I refer to them all the time.

Thanks for the read.

Write on.
NJ


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11
11
Review of Winter Roses  
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Lovely. It reminds me the book 'the lovely bones'. You painted a wonderful portrait of two lost to time. I pray that the grandmother will eventually join those two.

I have no criticism. This is well-written. Just enough drama, no spelling or grammar errors I could spot.

Thank you. I look forward to reading more.


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12
12
Review of Cush-Hero  
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Axton Gard ! I am reviewing your work as per your request, and as part of The Talent Pond. "Cush-Hero is a draft per your portfolio. I note that this is probably a work in progress. The introduction is intended to lead us into the longer story. After the introduction, we are taken to the actual story.

My Thoughts: In the introduction, I would perhaps rework it. As it stands now, it seems disjointed to me. So I took the idea and reworded it:
The Cushion brothers were always wanting to be useful. But Cus, Shi, and On got the Queen’s nerves.

So the Queen sent them to Earth as punishment.

People were fascinated with sitting on them. It relieved their lower back pain and made them happy.

The brothers noticed that the humans could not see the “Pain”. The “Pain” that leeched onto them usually through the spine made them hunched over creatures.

The Cushions would eliminate the pain. And they decided to become...

CUSH-HERO

Cus, Shi, and On traveled the Earth healing people.

This is how Cush-Hero begins!



My Favorite Part: How you made the names of the creatures from the term 'cushion'.

My Suggestions: I would reread this, correct any spelling and punctuation errors. I like to reread my stories aloud. How does it read? Choppy? Does it flow well?

I'd drop the donut reference with the Detective. Too cliche. Why do you need to include that? Not necessary to the story. Not all police are fat, not all eat donuts all day. Perhaps, a beer? An apple? A bagel?

Make sure you write that story you saw in your head. Get it down on the page so others can enjoy it. It is ultimately your story and only you can make it better.


Keep Calm and Write On!!

NormaJean Queen *Crown*

“All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.” Ernest Hemingway




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13
13
Review of Other World  
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Fun. I like the manipulation of the letters. I feel like I live in that world sometimes. Well, most times. And don't I wish gravity was a myth.

You did a fun job with a genre I have no real knowledge of. Poetry is always a mystery to me. So I appreciate your little poem that tells a story.

Thank you for sharing.



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14
14
Review of The Befana  
Rated: E | (4.0)
So, does the Befana have a different name? There is an area of Columbus, OH known as German Village. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/German_Village. It's quite a historic area, now pretty artsy-fartsy if you know what I mean. But as I investigated the idea of Germantown, there are several all over the US.

I would do some research on couponing, I think now the big thing is stuff like 'Rakuten', where you scan receipts and get money back. And selling your fancy clothes on PoshMark or the RealReal. I could see someone considered a 'Karen' doing those things on the sly.

The premise you present sounds very interesting. I look forward to reading more!





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15
15
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I found this exercise to help me prepare for writing a novel of any length. The information is invaluable. Even if you decide not to compete in NaNoWriMo, you can take this exercise and use it in the future.



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16
16
In affiliation with October Novel Prep Challenge G...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
You've been tagged by a cheerleader!
I do love a good blizzard. And I hear the UP is like another world, as if separated from the rest of the U.S. Just like Montana is another world sometimes. I can relate. Sounds like a fun story.

technology


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17
17
In affiliation with October Novel Prep Challenge G...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hmm. Interested to know wonder how Wright Alexander fits into this web of intrique. Was it a nom de plume for Sebastian? Is it another person?

You've been tagged by a cheerleader. Good luck going forward.


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18
18
Review of The Witch's House  
In affiliation with October Novel Prep Challenge G...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi there! Count me in!
19
19
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Well, I found your story in the "Mystery Newsletter (September 29, 2021). I was intrigued by the title so I had to read it. First of all, check the spelling. 'Courtesy' is the correct spelling. Minor but irritating detail for me.

What is the deal with the aluminum sulphite soup? I did a search - not finding that it is poison?

Well, it is a well-written mystery, as long as I take it on faith that something is poisonous? I like the tension you created.

Keep up the good work.





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20
20
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Aspiring To Be Me ! I am reviewing your short story on behalf of The Talent Pond.

My Thoughts: My first impression is that you need to break up this story into paragraphs. I found it hard to read in the current form.

My Favorite Part: The idea a young girl would believe grandma's story and head out into the woods.

My Suggestions:This is the first time I would start a new paragraph:
I used to feel that way all the time. Hi, my name is Valeria Klak and
I used to feel that way all the time.

Hi, my name is Valeria Klak and...

It is as if you are giving the reader a chance to take a breath. Another instance is here:
grandma lie to me. So one year

...grandma lie to me.

So one year...

My thought is you are thinking of one idea, then you go to another thought. So it makes sense to me to start another paragraph.

broccoli tree so I kept going. As I got deeper and deeper into the woods This is the last place I would start another paragraph. You start the idea of staying in the broccoli forest forever so it makes sense to make this a final paragraph.

..broccoli tree so I kept going.

As I got deeper and deeper into the woods, ...

So those are my suggestions. You write as you see your vision. Good luck going forward. Best wishes as you find your way here on Writing.com
Keep Calm and Write On!!

NormaJean Queen *Crown*

“All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.” Ernest Hemingway


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21
21
Review of Care  
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Adi ! I am reviewing your story on behalf of The Talent Pond. It seems this is a spiritual short story of some sort. A philosophical type of treatise is what I read.

My Thoughts: I thought this sentence was way beyond 'run-on'. It really needs to be broken up into more readable bits. One gets bogged down trying to make a way through this.
Ashwin thought, there was a presumption in that quote, a presumption of compassionate act performed, whoever said it, didn't consider that it might have been the help of impure kind, the kind where help is lent in hope of future payback, in this way the foundation that was established of society aptly explains the condition of present society; but yes, its possible that the person whose quote Ashwin thought of might be accurate, that the help was lent out of compassion and if that was the case, then the present society must be the result of corruption imposed upon the foundation, in this case, the help lent was of a pure kind, when one does something just because he feels like doing it, it’s only possible in a moment of total honesty. Ashwin wanted that quote to be true, Ashwin wanted to think that in his uncivilized, unsocialized state, men were once pure.

I perhaps would do something such as this:
Ashwin thought, there was a presumption in that quote, a presumption of compassionate act performed. Whoever said it didn't consider that it might have been the help of impure kind. The kind where help is lent in hope of future payback, in this way the foundation that was established of society aptly explains the condition of present society. It's possible that the person whose quote Ashwin thought of might be accurate, that the help was lent out of compassion, and if that was the case, then the present society must be the result of corruption imposed upon the foundation. In this case, the help lent was of a pure kind, when one does something just because he feels like doing it. It’s only possible in a moment of total honesty. Ashwin wanted that quote to be true, Ashwin wanted to think that in his uncivilized, unsocialized state, men were once pure.
I just broke it up into easier to read bites, so I could digest what I read better. Made more sense to me that way.

My Favorite Part: I didn't enjoy this, sorry. I didn't find any joy in reading this.

My Suggestions:I would perhaps put this in a category of an essay. I don't see this as a short story in its current form. There is no plot, there is no conflict, there is no resolution. A person comes to the shore of a lake, contemplates life, sees a dog. But perhaps you see it that way.

You own this story, not me. I can only recommend some ways to improve it. Good luck going forward.

Keep Calm and Write On!!

NormaJean Queen *Crown*

“All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.” Ernest Hemingway

To learn more about The Talent Pond, click here!



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22
22
Review of Cop Shop Mystery  
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello meduf! Good job with the task of writing a story in 21 sentences. It was easier than it sounded I found.

I like your take on the mystery. It was believable, the story flowed well. I did see a few punctuation errors, but those are easily fixed.

Good luck with the contest!

Write on!

NJ aka ND


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23
23
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Mia. I see this is an autobiographical opening for your journal. I am reviewing your entry on behalf of The Talent Pond.

Congratulations on joining Writing.com. I've been a member for many years, and have to say I've never regretted the choice I made.

I hope to see you 'out and about', entering contests, posting your work, being active on the site.

Welcome aboard.

Queen NormaJean *Crown* To learn more about The Talent Pond, click here!



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24
24
Review of Porch  
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Megabob! I am reviewing your Flash Fiction tale for The Talent Pond.

I just knew you would win the contest tonight with that story. Spare, with a good story told. It is all this genre of fiction should be.

I have no comments on the technicals. The only comment I do have is to lose the extra spacing between paragraphs. For some reason that put me off at first.

But that is minor. Good job.


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25
25
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Paul ! I found your story on the random review generator. I am reviewing on behalf of The Talent Pond.

My Thoughts: Fun little tale about hiding a book. And you know teens, they won't see anything past the 'nose on their face'.

My Favorite Part: I like this line. I swear, we should take them to Arizona, they’d find the Lost Dutchman's Mine in an hour or two.”.

My Suggestions: I had some ideas that might 'tighten' this up a bit more.
This line: Now there’s an idea, we need a week or two away from here. The money would help too.”
Perhaps I would reword it to read: What a great idea. We need a week or two away, and the money we find would come in handy. Somehow make the finding of the treasure more important than it currently is in the story.

I'd end with the line: I'd go with frantic. But if you still need a comeback line, then perhaps just 'Hey!' would be enough.

This is your story, and it is humorous. You can tweak it a bit more and make it even better, in my opinion.

Good luck!
Keep Calm and Write On!!

NormaJean Queen *Crown*

“All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.” Ernest Hemingway


To learn more about The Talent Pond, click here!



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