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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/normajeantrent
Review Requests: ON
296 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I like to give friendly advice that I hope will help, not harm.
I'm good at...
I enjoy picking out spelling mistakes. Bad punctuation also bothers me.
Favorite Genres
Fiction
Least Favorite Genres
poetry, fan fiction, fantasy, anything erotic or about death, gay or lesbian
Favorite Item Types
flash fiction, short stories
Least Favorite Item Types
long stories, novels, poems, lyrics. I don't write them so I don't feel as though I can review them.
I will not review...
Anything erotic or with cruelty to people or animals. I will not review anything dealing with the gay/lesbian lifestyle.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Caught  
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi there! Interesting take in the prompt. I just wanted to let you know it was 'John Wayne Gacy', not Gracie.

I'm also confused as to why Amelia ran from the cop. I know you wanted her to do that for the story, but somehow it doesn't work for me.

Also: out to the oversized shoes and took to their heels. There is something wrong with this. Step out of?

Good luck in the contest tonight.


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2
2
Review of ALIEN COLORS  
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Ha! Fun story. I like the lines - So there are aliens up there somewhere. Pass the peas. Like all news stories, give it the allotted time on CNN, then on to the next big deal.

And the last line, the interpretation, genius.

You seem to have done some good research, or know how to write some good scientific information. I find nothing I would change. Well, maybe add comedy to one of the genres, because this is funny in my opinion.

Good luck in the contest.


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3
3
Review of Higher Ground  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Graywriter Thanks for sharing this story. I'm reviewing on behalf of The Talent Pond.

You've done a good job of giving us a rainstorm that will flood a city. Perhaps if I would criticize anything, it would be the melodramatic ending. It seems predictable. But then, how else would this end with the characters you created?

I found no obvious errors in spelling or grammar. Good luck in the contest.

Keep Calm and Write On!!

NormaJean Queen *Crown*

“All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.” Ernest Hemingway






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4
4
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Okay.. here's the thing. I watch TCM - at night sometimes they do 'Noir Alley' - Saturdays at Midnight I think. This story reminds me of those old detective, cop, newspaper, pulp fiction writer stories. It is gritty, it is dark. I see those types of characters I see in those movies. Humphrey Bogart, Robert Mitchum, you know the type of actors I mean.

"Noir’s key influencers in terms of visual style and narrative content were German Expressionism, which utilized low-key, highly stylized lighting and the hardboiled literary genre along with the closely related pulp novels of the Prohibition and Great Depression-era. These tales of murder, mystery and intrigue gave rise to iconic antiheroes like detectives Sam Spade, Mike Hammer and Philip Marlowe.

"Though the stories may change, the mood is always the same in a film noir, and each week Eddie will guide you through the lingo and tropes of this definitive genre. Each noir will include weekly classic cocktail recipes of the era for you to nibble one with or stay for the onset mystery. You can even have your questions answered by Eddie before the film. Whether you're a hardboiled noir addict or newly seasoned to the genre, Noir Alley is your one stop for all things noir every Saturday Night and Sunday Morning. Because you need noir, more than ever." https://noiralley.tcm.com

That's the essence of what I read in this. Boo-yah.




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5
5
Review of Beginnigs  
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Did you intend to spell the title incorrectly? It immediately caught my attention.

So your words 'shot the duck'. As it were.

You got my attention, by misspelling your title.



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6
6
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Okay, kind of strange. I saw an error.

as a bulky alien falling out of the open shaft. Did you mean 'fell' or 'was falling'?

So the bathroom humor gets a chuckle, but somehow for me falls flat. Sorry, pun unintended.

Since this is a big event, seen by many people, to me the humor needs to be big. Sorry, that's all I've got.

Good luck with this.

Queen NormaJean on behalf of The Talent Pond


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7
7
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is some funny stuff. But I'm thinking you may want to change the rating on this before the WDC censors do.

It is hard to write dialogue in accents and idioms. I think you did a pretty good job of portraying a character of a not-all- that-reliable witness.



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8
8
Review of Mr Moonlight  
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Adherennium ! Welcome to Writing.com! I am reviewing this on behalf of The Talent Pond. I found your story in the Noticing Newbies Newsletter.

My Thoughts: Interesting tale of a mystery man and his driver.

My Favorite Part: I love a mystery. I wonder who and what he is. I also love an unlimited credit card. I hope Maria used it wisely.

My Suggestions: I always look for spelling and grammar, as those problems can quickly derail any writing. So here we go:
Take us there, I’ll call ahead This I would separate into two sentences. At the comma, use a period.
futilely at the silent room it was imprisoned in deep This seems awkward. Perhaps drop 'it was'.
Hotel, and their Again, I would drop the comma, add a period. It would break up the long sentence.
“and this is my assistant Miss Herrera.” I think 'and' needs to be capitalized.

I would enlarge the font on this as well. Make it 3.5. You can do this at the top of the page when you edit. That makes the story easier to read. I try to do this for all my work on the site. In fact, I am now going back to some of my older works and editing for just that reason.

Again, welcome to Writing.com! Good luck with this. It is an interesting little story.



Keep Calm and Write On!!

NormaJean Queen *Crown*

“All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.” Ernest Hemingway




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9
9
Review of Memories of Marty  
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for this wonderful little story of memories. I too kept trinkets from our dog. Who knows why. I also made a memory box with pictures, a collar, and other little items that I can see every day. Wonderful when I think of Bonnie and all the fun times.

Good luck in the contest.

I see nothing I would change in this.



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10
10
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (5.0)
First of all, I don't do poetry. I never read poetry, except you got me intrigued with this one. Good word pictures.

I like "Can't find Glory without focusing on steps,"

Thanks for sharing.


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11
11
Review of Catching Air  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Grin 'n Bear It! ! I am reviewing this story on behalf of The Talent Pond. To learn more about The Talent Pond, click here!

Since you were so kind as to like my little flash fiction tale, I thought I would check out your portfolio. I found this gem.

I, too, hate roller coasters. I get whiplash, scared-to-death fright whenever I go on one. And that has not happened in many years.

I saw nothing in this that I would change. The spelling and punctuation seem fine, the grammar good. You hooked me til the end. I had to chuckle.

Good job. Write on!

Queen NormaJean *Crown*



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12
12
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello BarbetteLouise ! I am writing this review on behalf of The Talent Pond. I am also honoring your anniversary on Writing.com.

My Thoughts: This is a heartfelt poem that resonated with me. I

My Favorite Part:

So I said okay what

He said in order for you to have your one and only!
He has to pray to me


You really found a way to tell readers the best way to pray to Jesus. Conversation with a friend. And the best way to find that perfect man is for Him to send him to you.


My Suggestions: I don't really have any criticisms about this poem. It seems well constructed. I saw no misspelled words.

Thank you for letting me read this wonderful little poem.

Keep Calm and Write On!!

NormaJean Queen *Crown*

“All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.” Ernest Hemingway





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13
13
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)

Hello Jeff ! I am reviewing this piece on behalf of The Talent Pond.

My Thoughts: It seems you have written a very short fiction piece about Jeff, whose beans are missing.

My Favorite Part: You started strong, Jeff looked for food, it was gone. Then 10 meters is not too far, so running for hours and hours is actually a pretty amusing thought.

My Suggestions: Reread this. You didn't capitalize Jeff in two places.
Then here:
"So you've finally arrived" "YOU KILLED MY FATHER", I would separate the two thoughts, since you seem to have Jeff and another speaking. As it stands now, I don't know who is talking.

a sword fell from the sky into jeff's hands and he defeated his neighbour in one attack by decapitating him.

Okay, at this point I'm confused. How are the beans missing and arriving at the neighbor's connected? I need more information. Plus the fact you used the genre 'comedy' three times. Hmm. I don't find this funny or comedic, except for that running for 10 meters.

But these are my opinions. Perhaps I am just missing the point.

Keep Calm and Write On!!

NormaJean Queen *Crown*

“All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.” Ernest Hemingway





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14
14
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello SomaSilver ! I am reviewing your essay on behalf of The Talent Pond.

My Thoughts: This seems to be a heart-felt essay about diaries and betrayal. I too am an introvert, but finally realized too late that everyone is not my enemy.

My Favorite Part: It was me who killed a part of me.
I, myself, murdered a huge part of me.

My Suggestions: I did note a misspelled word.
'pitty' should be pity

I also would use the genres 'biographical, personal, emotional' - use anything but 'other'. This makes sure your writing can be searched by other readers. And who knows, they make recommend you for a Quills award. So be sure to make this as perfect as you can.

I see nothing else I would change.

Keep Calm and Write On!!

NormaJean Queen *Crown*

“All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.” Ernest Hemingway





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15
15
Review of City lights  
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there! Interesting little tale. I have one thing to suggest. Use other genres for your story.

This one could be classified: relationship, family emotional, even melodrama. Use anything but contest entry as the main genre. And use all three categories. I learned this when I judged for the Quills award. That gives your story more power when people are searching the site.



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16
16
Review of New Edo  
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (3.5)

Upon first notice, I see the font is larger. Ideal for reading! Thanks for that. I am judging on behalf of The Talent Pond.

I believe that you should have a story or essay perfect before submitting for judging. As a result, this review may seem tedious. Call me the grammar police if you will, I don’t like misspelled words or bad punctuation.

That being said, here are my thoughts. Take them or not. It’s your story and your voice we need to focus on.

This competition calls for a story with no dialogue about strength. Perhaps you could work some people into this? Some characters that reflect the strength of the city, as well as their strength living in this sort of situation, may be what this needs. Otherwise, I am just reading a description of a future city.

Well, here we go with what you have so far:

This sentence: The eight-meter-long, A10 steel I beams look like twigs, and the ten centimetre thick high strength steel cables which are all but invisible from street level. Perhaps reword the part about the cables. It is a little ‘wonky’.
‘steel cables are almost invisible’ or ‘just about invisible’.
Maybe, “The eight meter long A10 steel I beams remind one of twigs, plus the high strength steel cables seem almost invisible from street level.”

Now this one: The dome covers the whole of the city and protected them from summer heat and typhoons. Hanging, suspended beneath the dome as it does. The city of New Edo is protected from all future Earth quakes, and their resulting tsunami.

‘Dome covers - protected them’ I think the tenses on the verbs need to match. Dome covers - protects them. Dome covered - protected them
Hanging, suspended beneath - seems to want to be connected to the next sentence. It’s an incomplete phrase.

This one: The highest built levels under the dome are given over to Abe wilderness park. Which contains many Shinto shrines.
I think you should combine the two thoughts. What is the emphasis of those sentences? The park or the shrines?

Here: No people live permanently on these upper levels because at this altitude the nighttime temperature fall too low for comfit
I think you need to say ‘temperatures’ and is it ‘comfort?’. Plus there is a period missing at the end.

About this: There is a large gap to a group of layers that only use during the day, these include the extensive Haru education campuses, High schools to universities. And research institutes. This reflects the value that the population attaches to education and knowledge. As a source of future strength and future prosperity.

I think I know what you want to say. The higher layers of your city are for the better educated, the ‘higher echelon’ of society, as it were. But there are the sentences ‘and research institutes’ and ‘as a source..’ that seem like an orphans. They need to be attached to the thoughts before them. A sentence usually needs a noun and a verb at least. The smallest verse in the Bible is “Jesus wept”, a noun and a verb.

project its self - should be ‘project itself’
Draw a grate circle - should be ‘great’?

'other. Joined together’ - Perhaps ‘join together these two thoughts for better reading.

A trick I like to use is read the story out loud after I write it. Does it read easily? Did I forget a word? I’ve personally found quite a few errors doing this.

I think you have a ‘skeleton’ of a story. It now needs to be fleshed out. Give it some ‘life’, some real people. Introduce me to people that live in the layers: lawyers, and Shinto priests, regular people that live below. Add some drama.

I would like to know the challenges these people living in your city of New Edo face every day. Because the challenges we face make us strong.

Signature for use by anyone nominated for a Quill Award in 2020




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17
17
Review of Traffic Jam  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Chris Breva AKA Marvin Schrebe ! I am reviewing your story on behalf of The Talent Pond.

My Thoug{hts: I would enjoy this more if you had left a line between paragraphs and enlarged the font. That would make this more readable.
Backman and Trollis PLLC And I would perhaps per a comma after 'Trollis'.

My Favorite Part: The entire trick about Daylight Savings Time. Don't we wish that would just go away! I hate those time changes as much as Roscoe...

My Suggestions: As I mentioned, try leaving more space between paragraphs. Right now, it is hard to read. I would also enlarge the font to at least 3.5, again to make this easier to read.

Thanks for the opportunity!

Keep Calm and Write On!!

NormaJean Queen *Crown*

“All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.” Ernest Hemingway




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18
18
Review of The shoe room  
Rated: E | (3.0)

I am reviewing this piece on behalf of The Talent Pond.
First of all, I am trying to decide if this is fiction or an essay, or a how-to piece. I find evidence of all these in this offering.
So I am going to consider that this is an essay. An essay about shoes.

I would first start by enlarging the font a bit. 3.5 seems to be the best for reading on this platform. Especially with long works of writing, small type is hard to read. So choose 3.5 at the top of the form when loading your work.

Then I would start a new paragraph with this line:
Until one day, when Mindy comes home . Currently, that paragraph seems too long. And in that paragraph, I see that you capitalize Summer. I personally think it shouldn't be capitalized, and Grammarly agrees. But that maybe is your preference.

This line The part when Mindy and Bob were young was small, smaller seems to not read well. Something about it just doesn't work for me.

Perhaps: There is a part in that room, a part that belongs neither to Mindy nor Bob. A part that was small when Mindy and Bob were young. Smaller than Bob's, but now has grown so big that in a few years it might even take over the entire shoe room. I have reworked that, broken it up into a few sentences, gave it a few new beginnings.

Mindy could get over Bob's new pair of shoes, and even though it hurts at first, it hurts so much in fact that her life seems shattered to piece, without meaning, she feels that this is not the end, that somehow all she has to do is to stay strong and everything will be fine. This sentence to me is again another too long statement. A run-on sentence, if you will. And the sentence after that suffers in the same way. Don't be afraid to break up your sentences. Some long, some short. They will have more impact.

These are totally my opinions. You have your own style. Perhaps this is your style. If so, embrace it.

I look forward to seeing more of your work on the site.

Write On!

Queen NormaJean II GreenEyes




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19
19
Review of SESO Ruby  
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (2.5)




Thanks for the request of reviewing your work. I take that as an honor. Perhaps the first thing I would do would be to make this more readable. When you 'create a new item', you can change the text size and font. These are two options at the top of the blank space your work is inserted. A box with "SSS" is the 'size' and the box with "F" is the font. I try to always use size 3.5 and font Verdana. Those make things easier to read. Also spacing between each paragraph, each character's speech makes life easier for the reader.

Okay, now, to the nuts and bolts.
First few lines:
Ben, is coming down the stairs in a white bath robe, "morning. Busy day?"
"Yes." I garb my keys. "I'll be in and out of the office all day. I've got to see about that trip. Herding cats."
I also use Grammarly and it spotted three errors. Ben should be capitalized. Bathrobe should be one word. (Maybe, I'd argue that one.) and grab is misspelled.
How many will you kill this time." Is this a question? If so, there needs to be question mark at the end.
reread the tender I'm not sure what tender is. Probably a paper by the information given so far, but I don't know for sure.

Then I read further:
Leave a card." settling down with my feet I am confused as to how you got from the conversation on the phone, and I am assuming it's one of those 'speak and the phone dials' deals, to your feet on the desk. A few more verbs maybe are in order.
Possessive of Venus is Venus' since the word ends in an S. I think you can safely leave Carbon Dioxide as carbon dioxide.
Two professors, eight taught masters students, three PhD. Students one lab tech/specialist, and two undergraduates.. I am not sure what this sentence is doing here. And Grammarly states it should be Ph.D.
collogues Did you colleagues? As in co-workers?
not wast peoples time." that did not put her on the defensive as much as I would have liked.
'wast' should be waste. Peoples time should be people's as time belongs to the people, a possessive. And 'that' should be capitalized after that quote, I believe.
"tell me professor, when you inspected the ship, did its KATE number match all the safety documents? Do you even know where to find a ships KATE number? Have you even seen the ship. A big part of the role of a SESO is to do all of this boring but essential safety work for you." I could have added you need me, but that would be a bit much.
"I'm sorry about the cat herder quip, I meant nothing by it, You must know that, that you are refired to in academic circles."
Alright, tell should be capitalized, ships should be ship's. Refired is curious. Did you mean 'referred'?
Have you even seen the ship. Perhaps you need a question mark, and perhaps even to ever?

Now as you can note, we are not even halfway through your story, and there are many errors. But continuing on:
That it is like him planing and then taking his class on an unsupervised trip to a third world fireworks factory." thinking I might have over done it I added "You're a good scientist. Wide open to all the possibilities, but still able to focus on a minute detail to the exclusion of every thing else. But If the thing you are ignoring is a leopard, you will need someone watching your back. Whilst you watch the butterfly's."
'planing' is planning? Grammarly won't pick that up because it is spelled properly, but used incorrectly.
'thinking I might have over done it I added : I would work on this little bit between the statements:Thinking I might have overdone it, I added,
Butterflies is the plural of that noun.
their professor. How long have you been speaking for? Their is not the word you want, often confused. You want there. And I never, ever, end a sentence with a preposition. Unless you think your character would do that.

Toward the end now:
I am seeing again: not capitalizing the first word in a conversation. The word 'planing' instead of planning, Seamed instead of seemed.
She hung up on me, "Tony. Do you believe that? She hung up on me." Suddenly there is another character in the room. Where did he come from? Previously you stated she went to the com unit.

So my advice, and I know I was very specific on many things, is to go over this again. Change the spelling. Change the punctuation. It has a good basic premise for a story. But the fiddly little problems make it annoying for me to read.

Try reinstalling Grammarly. The corrections it suggests are usually spot-on.

Thanks for asking me to review this. Good luck.








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20
20
Review of hot dog  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I am reviewing this story on behalf of The Talent Pond.

I see you entered this in two contests, the Daily Flash Fiction and The Writer's Cramp. Good for you, gettng your work out on the site!

With this piece, I noticed several things that seemed out of the ordinary.
1. known as Pink Slim - Did you intend to use that term? Or perhaps was it to be Pink Slime? Pink Slim, maybe, but Pink Slime to me would be sillier.
2. that where left - I think you need to use the word 'were' instead of 'where'. Simple spelling and usage error.
3. Salt Peter Paprika or Garlic. - The spices are needed to be separated by commas. And I am pretty sure Salt Peter is one word, saltpeter.
4. Another word I have a problem with is 'inferred' light. Did you mean 'infrared'? Inferred is a completely different term meaning nothing about light.
5. What are 'Mallarded' Onions? I'm not sure what you mean by that term. Perhaps a definition of that would be needed in the story.

I guess what I am reading is more of an essay, a treatise on how to make a 'hot dog', if you will. The idea of 'flash fiction' is to have a character, a setting, and a conflict all in 300 words or less. The Writer's Cramp contest expects the same in 1,000 words or less.

There are some other errors in punctuation, but they are minor and should be caught with careful proofreading.

This essay, while showing promise, does not give the reader a character, a setting, or a conflict.

Thank you for letting me review your work. I hope to see more of your writing in the future. Best wishes.

Signature for nominees of the 2019 Quill Awards Image #2222769 over display limit. -?-



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21
21
Review of Fragility Of Life  
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am reviewing this on behalf of The Talent Pond.

A very interesting and emotional short story. I did find a use of one word troublesome - 'costed'. I think that is a typo.

Then there is the text message part of the story. I don't use a cell phone or send texts. But to my understanding, aren't they usually short bursts of type? With abbreviations usually? Perhaps I am mistaken.

I see that you don't break up this story with paragraph breaks. I found this a little difficult to read because of that. Perhaps you did that on purpose, to add to the drama. I'm not quite sure.

I did find it interesting. Good start.

Queen NormaJean *Crown*



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22
22
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Interesting take on this whole virus scenario. As it morphs and changes, it will be curious as to what history records in ten years.

Perhaps you would like to do an update in a year from your original post. Now that the vaccinations are out, how are people reacting? How are things different? How are countries different?



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23
23
Review of Bye, Dad  
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
What a great tribute. I like the references to the tiny bits of food, the toys, the conversations. It reminds me of the recent visits with my aged mother.

You won a Quills award with this piece. It was deserved. Kudos.

Best of luck going forward. I see nothing in this piece I would change.


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24
24
Review of Imagination  
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Cute story, but I think you got mommy and grandma confused to start. I had to read it a few times to see who was talking.


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25
25
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I love this. I too lost a pet. It is like losing a member of your family.

The rhyme scheme is good. I am not a poet, so I'm not sure what the scheme is, I just see it's 'AABB'.

If the picture you posted is the kitten you speak of, what fun!

Thanks for sharing.





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