Well. first off, there are some spelling errors I noted - "petal" for pedal - "cyprus" for cypress.
It reads okay, but I am not sure you are aware of the fact of that you probably wouldn't be able to be outside in the Everglades at night. I worked in the Everglades for a time and the mosquitoes were something you had to deal with day and night, so many! They were horrible. One could not go outside without tons of bug repellent and long sleeves and even a netted hat for protection. But you did get the effect of a swamp.
I am not a poetry fan, so I'll start off by stating that. I'm not familiar with the Tanka syllable count. But I guess by doing some counting, you got that part right. Seems like that would be hard to do.
So, then after the technical part of your poem is accomplished, you did a good job with rhyming and capturing an idea of Christmas.
I'm usually not a fan of poetry. Very few poems do I understand. Your poem reads more like a story than a poem. I feel the pain of the lovers being apart.
Perhaps more of the personal life of the narrator could also be worked into the poem. We see only one side of the story here. But perhaps that is your intent? Is the narrator also working temporary jobs? or is the narrator a professional, and remembers what it is like to work your way up.
All I can say is that the angels only appear to special people in this mortal world, or so I believe. God knows you and knows how best you can use your talents to reach out to others with your inspirational stories.
It must have been a wonderful experience to see an angel. Your description is good. But how can you truly describe something so otherworldly? Words cannot tell the glory of God it says in the Bible.
So, there are problems in your piece with punctuation and spelling. But I think as you get more experience with writing those minor problems will take care of themselves. There are programs out there that will help. One is an online program called "Grammarly" and will tell you your errors as you go. I use it all the time.
Thank you for your story. Keep on writing! God Bless....
Nice, warm story. I like the colors you can see in your mind's eye as you read.
Some ideas - I would change checkered board to checker. Then in that same paragraph, the rest of the line after flannel shirt seems awkward. I think you wanted that in there to lead to the next paragraph, as you do the same with the bird reference.
There are maybe a few places I would put a comma, but since this is a child thinking perhaps punctuation is not as important as in another piece? Just wondering.
Well, I did read this story and have some ideas for you.
At the beginning, maybe leave off the reference to teenagers once you have established that they ARE teenagers. You repeat that reference sometimes back to back. Maybe use teens, or young people, friends, or some other reference.
Why are you describing the color of their clothing? It does nothing for the plot for me. I understand why you need to tell us about shorts and such.
In the part where you state 'Dr. Zack had done..Dr. Zack had created..' Maybe leave off the second Dr. Zack? just use Dr. or perhaps Dr. Z? Just an idea. It just read weird to me.
The part about the snow touching their toes with their sandals seemed out of place since we never read they were wearing sandals.
Frosty just rolls his eyes is maybe the wrong tense - should it be rolled?
These are just some notes I made as I read this story. I hope you find this useful. I like to read my stories aloud as I write. It helps me to find any strangeness in my wording or plot.
I think you have a fun idea. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Thanks for the read, Eric. This just seems like a memoir - was it supposed to be a short story? The story seems kind of jumpy - just throws facts at you.
The passage = "I was a snot nosed kid when world events bigger then me and my friends changed everything. The events of the world would take me to the one I would love for all of my days." = has repetitive "events and world". Somehow change the wording to have more impact.
Then there was this passage = "It was another dark night, all you could see was the night sky and all of the stars" = again you repeated night as dark night and night sky. Maybe rethink this passage to make it more meaningful.
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