| Hello! Silver Phoenix I am reviewing this piece of behalf of The Talent Pond. I first saw your request for reviews on the Newsfeed.
My Thoughts:So - as I started to read your work, I instantly was put off by this:
'She was close, she stepped forward, she would have to be, she was ready, she had trained she darted to, all she saw…. She, she, she did this, she did that. And then there was Her heart and her fingers and her dagger."
Pronouns instead of descriptions.
The same thing happened as you got down to introducing Leo. He and his are peppered throughout the paragraph introducting that character.
What if it went like this:
“Quickly glancing around to be sure the position was right, Ashrym stopped forward and edged carefully toward the bush, careful to be silent and stay in the cover…..Her heart was racing and slim fingers gipped the dagger’s hilt……
I think reworking this and eliminating some of the pronoun usage would help alot. More use of verbs show action, move the story along.
Another idea, use contractions for I am and It is - I’m and It’s. When I read the conversations aloud, those two words sound better when they are shortened, in my opinion.
From what I read, you have an interesting idea. Tweaking things a bit just may give life to the story. And wake up your muse!
So, that is my humble review. Take it or leave it. Everyone has their own style.
My Suggestions: Beyond what I wrote above, I would also do some editing on the spacing. There seems to be some work needed on the paragraphs. They seem to begin and end at weird intervals.
Keep Calm and Write On!!
Queen Norma Jean in Quarantine