Hello Adi ! I am reviewing your story on behalf of The Talent Pond. It seems this is a spiritual short story of some sort. A philosophical type of treatise is what I read.
My Thoughts: I thought this sentence was way beyond 'run-on'. It really needs to be broken up into more readable bits. One gets bogged down trying to make a way through this.
Ashwin thought, there was a presumption in that quote, a presumption of compassionate act performed, whoever said it, didn't consider that it might have been the help of impure kind, the kind where help is lent in hope of future payback, in this way the foundation that was established of society aptly explains the condition of present society; but yes, its possible that the person whose quote Ashwin thought of might be accurate, that the help was lent out of compassion and if that was the case, then the present society must be the result of corruption imposed upon the foundation, in this case, the help lent was of a pure kind, when one does something just because he feels like doing it, it’s only possible in a moment of total honesty. Ashwin wanted that quote to be true, Ashwin wanted to think that in his uncivilized, unsocialized state, men were once pure.
I perhaps would do something such as this:
Ashwin thought, there was a presumption in that quote, a presumption of compassionate act performed. Whoever said it didn't consider that it might have been the help of impure kind. The kind where help is lent in hope of future payback, in this way the foundation that was established of society aptly explains the condition of present society. It's possible that the person whose quote Ashwin thought of might be accurate, that the help was lent out of compassion, and if that was the case, then the present society must be the result of corruption imposed upon the foundation. In this case, the help lent was of a pure kind, when one does something just because he feels like doing it. It’s only possible in a moment of total honesty. Ashwin wanted that quote to be true, Ashwin wanted to think that in his uncivilized, unsocialized state, men were once pure.
I just broke it up into easier to read bites, so I could digest what I read better. Made more sense to me that way.
My Favorite Part: I didn't enjoy this, sorry. I didn't find any joy in reading this.
My Suggestions:I would perhaps put this in a category of an essay. I don't see this as a short story in its current form. There is no plot, there is no conflict, there is no resolution. A person comes to the shore of a lake, contemplates life, sees a dog. But perhaps you see it that way.
You own this story, not me. I can only recommend some ways to improve it. Good luck going forward.
Keep Calm and Write On!!
NormaJean Queen
“All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.” Ernest Hemingway
|