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385 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am not an expert reviewer, but I have some small amount of talent in the field of writing. I will not edit your work, but typos, grammar mistakes, etc. will be pointed out if I see them. I will give you my impression of your work, encourage you, and do my best to review the work.
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I do my best, whether I am good at it or not.
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Science fiction.
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Short stories and
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Public Reviews
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76
76
Review of Missing  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)


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Hi Memoria,
I'll be taking a look at your story Missing, today.

Initial comments

It's a story of missing someone, how the author feels inside from the pain of missing. You tell the reader how, many times, you are feeling the thoughts of missing, but in your heart, you know they can be reached by a call on a telephone. But the real pain, the loneliness and the despair of a broken heart comes to you when the one you are missing is not there anymore. Whether they are not there by choice, or by actually not being there, or anywhere, the despair feels the same. You can not see them, talk to them, or touch them anymore. They are gone . . .


For the group signatures


Suggested edits

The fiirst sentence of your story is directly below.

You have been ill for years now, dying for months it really was inevitable.

It needs to be, You have been ill for years now, dying for months comma it really was inevitable.

A sentence in the third paragraph is below . . .

... all these people were never truly missing they were always a phone call away.

It needs to be, . . . all these people were never truly missing comma they were always a phone call away.

The last sentence of the story is below.

But you, you're not even missing you're worse than missing, you're gone.

You need a comma between . . . you're not even missing comma and you're worse than missing . . .

I enjoyed your story.

Regards, jackson

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77
77
Review of Daddy's Toolbox  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)


Hi Mad Kitty,
Good morning, I'll be reviewing, Daddy's Toolbox, today.
Congratulations on being a member of WdC another year.

Anniversary Reviews email siggie


A synopsis of Daddy's Toolbox

Daddy's Toolbox is readily seen as a tribute to your daddy, how you miss him a lot and your appreciation of the many things he taught you. You're in the garage going through the toolbox, remembering some details of each tool you see within the box. You are reminiscing how your daddy taught you to do this, or that with every tool you see.
It's a story full of love and memories.

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For the group signatures


Suggested edits

In the fourth paragraph you mispelled allen wrenches as alan wrenches.

In the sixth paragraph you need to begin (get) with a capital letter. You wrote, I can hear him saying, "get me that. . ." It needs to be, I can hear him saying, "Get me that . . ."

In the seventh paragraph, you need spaces between be comma and but.

. . . where you wanted to (be,but) it sure beat the alternative . . .

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Further comments

It's a good story, the details work well.

Regards, jackson
78
78
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)


Congrats on being a member of WdC another year.

Anniversary Reviews email siggie


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Hi Palmetto,
Myself, I once got this telephone call from someone, it happened to be while I was eating. For shame . . . Anyway, this fellow proceeded into his spill. Telling me the John Deere tractor blade I ordered had arrived at his office and he needed my address to send it to me. I thought to myself, Whoa there, pal. I ain't buying any wool today. The day before, I had the brakes on my car replaced, and inadvertantly left some important papers in plain view in my car. Suspicion cast a net over me . . . but I listened. Directly, I told him I did not own a John Deere tractor and I did not order any parts for one.

He kept insisting on getting my address. Finally, I told him where to go. His last words were, "We'll just dump it on the side of the road somewhere if we can't get your address." I replied, "Well, I don't care what you do with it, but I have a suggestion. Why don't you hold that John Deere tractor blade in a horizontal position and stick it up your hind end as far as you can get it."

That was the end of our conversation . . . that fellow hung up on me, and I went back to the table and finished eating my supper.

Your story, Senior Citizens and Junk Mail, made me remember that experience. Ha, ha, ha.

Comments on your story

Your story is great, telling us that senior citizens have better things to do than stand beside their mailbox waiting for their junk mail to arrive. It's funny, and carries in its words a hefty measure of sarcasm for wishy-washy senators and other species of fake do-gooders who think junk mail serves as the only companions of lonely senior citizens.

Suggested edits

You mention telemarketers and how 'if their message is so unimportant, why don't the ever leave a message?' I think you meant, . . . if their message is so important, why don't they ever leave a message?

For the group signatures


Reviewing signature for the B.E.A.R. Fund.


Great writing . . .

Regards, jackson
79
79
Review of Open Spaces  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)


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Hello Jessica Anderson.
I'll be reviewing your story, Open Spaces, today. It's the story of a woman who lives on a ranch, along with her husband, her sister and her sister's husband. She's eighteen years old. The story basically deals with one morning in her life. Getting out of bed, her feet are greeted by the Texas cold as they hit the night-chilled floor. She goes down to cook breakfast, and the stairs creak under her feet. Soon, the others enter the kitchen, one by one. It's a solid story about one morning on a ranch in Texas. The woman's thoughts and words give the reader some insight into her feelings. She's happy and her demeanor shows it. The story is good, and for one who likes details of the day to day life on a ranch, it's exciting. Myself, I find it holds my attention, and I enjoyed reading it.

Suggested edits

In the first paragraph this sentence sticks out . . .

. . . Tanner is a firefighter, and me well I'm just me.

It should be, . . . Tanner is a firefighter, and me, well, I'm just me.

And this sentence . . . I help out don't get me wrong. This one needs to be, I help out, don't get me wrong.

A sentence in the second paragraph, As I lay and breath in the sweet Texas air . . .

The sentence needs to be, As I lie and breathe in the sweet comma Texas air . . .

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Comments

I enjoyed reading your story. The easy and natural flow of its words kept me reading . . . good work.

Regards, jackson
80
80
Review of Canis major  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)


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Hello Memoria,
Dropping in to review, Canis major. Suggested edit . . . Both words of the title should begin with a capital letter.

Congrats on another year here at WdC.
Anniversary Reviews email siggie


Comments

A sleepless passenger on a plane encounters Canis Major while gazing out the window. Suggested consistency edit . . . In the first paragraph, the passenger sits alone, but in the second paragraph, the passenger is surrounded by sleeping strangers. The passenger should be alone, or surrounded by passengers, not both . . .

Suggested edit . . . Canis Major is the name of a constellation, both canis and major should begin with a capital letter in the text.

Futher comments

You do a good job describing what the passenger sees outside the window. The person's feelings while on the trip are expressed well. Good job . . .

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Regards, jackson
81
81
Review of Shine  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)


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Hello Mad Kitty,
You story, Shine, is hilarious. Happy WDC account anniversary. I'm getting ready to send you my review . . .

A brief synopsis of Shine.

So, you were going to spray your rosebushes because bugs were attacking them. You had the proper treatment in a spray bottle. You walked into the yard and went about your business with the roses. This treatment was the second one for your roses. You finished and were proud of yourself, but . . . On the way to throw the spray bottle in the garbage, you happened to examine it, in case you needed more to treat the roses again.

Your eyes bugged out. You feared you had killed the rosebushes. You sprayed all the bushes with water to rinse the mistreatment off. Seems you were lucky, they did not seem to be suffering any ill effects. Later, you called your roommate and told her about how shiny the rosebushes were. Then you told her how, by mistake, you had sprayed the rosebushes with ArmorAll. You both laughed a lot.

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Suggested edits

In the eighth paragraph, you mispelled handy work. It's handiwork.

Beginning in the eleventh paragraph, your dialog is written incorrect. The first sentence is this one below.

When she answered I said, "guess what I just did?"

There are quite a few more dialog sentences below the eleventh paragraph, you can correct them all using this method.

If the introduction to the dialog, or tag, comes before the dialog, put a comma after the tag. Then quotation mark, capitalize the first letter of the first word of the dialog.

When she answered I said, Guess what I did?"

If the dialog tag comes after the dialog, just capitalize the first letter of the first word of dialog, write the dialog with quotion marks enclosing it, add a comma, then who said the words.

Final Comments

I enjoyed reading your story, it had a good plot, comedy and more

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Regards, jackson
82
82
Review of The Grizz  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)


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The Grizz seems to be a sort of synopsis of a longer novel . . . today, I'll be reviewing it.

Hello JP Malan,

A synopsis of your synopsis

In The Grizz, you tell us of a grizzly bear which begins terrorizing the people living on a ranch in Montana. Caleb and Zachary, the brothers of the Clark family, each in turn, encounter the grizzly. It seems they have many misadventures with the grizzly. Zachary, who's
the younger brother, being only ten years old, saves his mother from the bear, and Caleb learns many lessons in how to deal with life as he's growing up in Montana.

Comments

All in all, it's a brief summary of a longer novel, and as such, it works well.

Suggested edits

The first sentence of the first
paragraph needs a comma deleted. You wrote, . . . all of their courage, and love to survive. It needs to be, . . . all of their courage and love to survive.

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Regards, jackson
83
83
Review of The Fence Line  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)


Hi Cherrie,
Good morning, today I'll be reviewing The Fence Line.

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Synopsis of The Fence Line

A lone rider nears the end of a hard day, checking for broken fence lines and enjoying their solitude, alone except for the horse they are riding. A hawk stirs near them, the wind whispers and birds rest in the stillness. They listen . . . except for the whispers and an occasional chirp, it is quiet. They rest beneath the shade of a tree. The rider sips water from a canteen . . . and continues riding the fence line.
Later, as the sinking of the sun draws near, the horse stands in a creek and the rider fishes for their supper. Somewhere, in some city, amidst the chaos of a city life, people fret, but here, I am content in my happiness, the rider thinks.

Comments

The Fence Line, is a sweet tale of contentment, far from the usual smog, dust and grime of city life. Almost in solitude, but accompanied by the beauty of the natural earth, the rider ambles along checking the fence. A great story . . .

Recommended edits

In the first paragraph, birds' should be birds.

In the second paragraph, Dan's reins drag across the ground but he is careful . . .

It needs to be, Dan's reins drag across the ground comma
but he is careful . . .

In the third paragraph, you write, . . . he is to hot . . . It needs to be, . . . he is too hot . . .

Further comments

The Fence Line is a good story. Write more . . .

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Regards, jackson
84
84
Review of Somewhere She  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)


         Hi Elby Wordsmith,

I'm looking at your portfolio today to review, Somewhere She. I noticed it's your WdC account anniversary. Congratulations.

Anniversary Reviews email siggie


••••

My comments on what works . . .

The lyrical lines you have written in this are beautiful. The melody within the words remind me of the whistle of a male cardinal songbird singing in the wintertime as he's calling out for his love. The melodic song of the male calling to her across the drifts of blowing snow cast their spell. And somewhere . . . in the far yonder, or near to him, she listens.

She might twist her head to right or the left, catching the song. Then, she will lift her wings and fly to him . . . and together they will sing the songs of love.

It's well-written, full of melody and charm . . .great writing.

Suggested edits

My suggestion is for you to edit in a few more lines as beautiful as the ones you've already created.

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Regards, jackson
85
85
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)

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Hi unowen,
Today, I'll be reviewing First Impressions . . . Happy WdC account anniversary.

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A short synopsis of your item

Joshua is on the bus, coming home from school. He can't wait to get home; in his backpack is a treasure, a curiosity. He keeps fidgeting around, looking out the window, but always his eyes stray back to the backpack, and what is in it.

He'd found it during recess; at first he'd thought it was a bug, but he knew bugs and it was unlike any bug he'd ever seen, or heard of. He'd captured it and put it in a pencil box, then into his backpack. To him, it looked human . . .

But here he was, waiting to get home to examine it more closely. Finally, he gets home. He opens up the pencil box, and yes, it is a tiny human in the box. It is afraid; he comforts it and promises to take good care of it, but in the back of his mind, he wonders how he is going to handle this situation . . .

It's a fine story, told well.

Suggested edits

In the second paragraph, you have a comma before (or) and a comma after (or). You only need the comma before (or).

. . . his mind kept drifting back to his backpack, or, more specifically, to one of its contents in particular.

In the ninth paragraph your sentence is,

. . . he felt that the only question that mattered was "A-Are you okay?"

A suggested edit for the above sentence . . .

. . . he felt that the only question which mattered was, "A-are you okay?"

You need a comma after was, (to separate a description of what will be said, and what is actually said.) Only the first letter of a stuttered word is capitalized, "A-are you okay?"

Summary

As I said above, it's a fine story. It has a good plot, descriptive action and a resolution.

Regards, jackson

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86
86
Review of The Black Rider  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Anniversary Reviews email siggie


J. Lynn Lindsay, hello.

Congratulations on being with WdC for another year. Today, I'll be reviewing your story, The Black Rider.

Initial comments

I chuckled at the name of the saloon. The Rusty Crow Saloon, fits your story well. And the black rider, I felt that his heart was black, seeing as how his wife was murdered by a bunch of no-goods. He extracts sweet retribution in the end.

A synopsis of your story

The man rode into the town of Hell's Bend, appearing dangerous to the observing eyes. Black were his clothes and his horse, and in his heart, black thoughts dwelled.

When he stepped inside the saloon, the bartender tried to kill him, and the six other men inside, tried to draw their guns. They failed, and three, including the bartender, perished on the floor. The other four hid in the saloon.

A Positive Hearts review.

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His business not quiet finished, the man exited the saloon, went to his horse, and from his saddlebags extracted four sticks of dynamite. Taping them together, he through them into The Rusty Crow Saloon, mounted his horse and rode away. Behind him in the saloon, an explosion finished his business . . .

Plot, antagonists and resolution

This story has all three elements of a good story. Fine work . . .

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Suggested edits

This sentence in the second paragraph has two periods at its end. His spurs rang in time with his smooth gait as he strode down the boardwalk. .

In the fifth paragraph . . . Fast as lightening the man palmed his Colts and began firing. Fast as lightening, is an introductory phrase for the rest of the sentence, it needs a comma after it.

Image #2332475 over display limit. -?-

I enjoyed reading, The Black Rider, good work . . .

Regards, jackson
87
87
Review of My secret spot  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)

An Anniversary Review review


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Hi Amindthattravels,

Good morning, congratulations on the anniversary of your WdC account. I enjoyed reading, My secret spot.

Note: All three words of the title should begin with a capital letter.

A synopsis of your story

It's a tale of a character who has a special place, not only in her heart, but in her reality. On this particular day, she is sitting, with her feet dangling in the water, enjoying her solitude, her treasure. While sitting, she observes the beautiful sounds and sights within reach of her vision and hearing. Sometimes, thoughts crawl through her mind.

The water of the lake itself is hidden, yet exposed to the knowing eye. To her, it's beautiful. As she watches . . . raindrops fall and sink into its surface. Fizzle . . .fizzle . . . ping, plop.

The lake is in a cave, but it is open to the sky above. The lake is delightful during the day, yet it is terrifying after dark. As she sits there, twilight begins its slow fall, and she prepares to leave. Drying herself with a towel, she stumbles back to the water's edge. There, she peers into the clear water. A hand rises, grasps her wrist and pulls her under. As she goes down, she sees before her, the lights of a city. Atlantis . . . she breathes. Atlantis . . .


The plot, the details

As indicated above, your plot, the details of the story and the telling of it works well for this reader. A good job . . .

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A Positive Hearts review.

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Things which distract the reader . . . spelling and punctuation.

A synopsis of the punctuation/spelling.

In the first paragraph this sentence needs a comma.

You see, the lake is hidden by the stone walls of the cave yet there is no roof.

Yet, in this instance, is a conjunction joining two independent clauses; you need a comma after cave.

You see, the lake is hidden by the stone walls of the cave comma yet there is no roof.

In the second paragraph treasure is spelled as tressure.

These two sentences in the third paragraph need commas.

Sometimes comma it seems like there is a whole other world down there.

One time comma I swear I saw yellow eyes stare at me.

Sometimes in the first sentence, and One time in the second sentence, are both introductory words preceeding the main part of the sentences. An introductory word or phrase needs a comma after it.

In the fourth paragraph a sentence needs a comma.

When I'm done comma I notice the sun has already set.

I hope these suggestions are of help to you.

Regards, jackson
88
88
Review of One For The Road  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)


Hello vondie,
Today, I'll be reviewing your item, One For The Road.

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Congrats on your WdC account anniversary.

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Image #2230701 over display limit. -?-

Let's take a peek inside your item and see what we can see.

What the reader sees in this story

The first thing they see, is that there is no leadup to allow the reader to get some sense of what is happening . . . I mean, out of nowhere, a conversation starts. You need to , in the beginning, give us a line or two about each character, telling us why each character happens to be in the bar. Then, have the man approach the woman and begin their conversation. And I see, there is no conclusion to the story, except the man buys the woman a drink.

What you do have in this item, is the possibility of a good short story. Below is your story, and below that, I will make some suggestions.

Your story as written

What’s your name?”

” I’m Alexandria Simmons.”

” Hello Alexandria, my name is Jackson Willis; may I sit down.”

” Why not.”

“I saw you sitting here alone and decided to stop and buy you a night cap.”

“What are you drinking?”

"White Wine Spritzer."

”Bartender another for the lady; and a beer for me please.”

“Thank you.”

Notes: all the quotation marks need to be snug up against the entire quote, with no space between the quote and the quotation marks.

There is no question mark after the third sentence.

Nightcap is misspelled; (night cap) is your spelling.

White Wine Spritzer needs no capital letters.

Restructured story


"What's your name?"

"Alexandria Simmons."

"Hello Alexandria, I am Jackson Willis; may I sit down?"

"Why not . . ."

"I noticed you sitting here alone, and thought I'd come over and buy you a nightcap."

"That's nice of you."

"What would you like?"

"A white wine spritzer."

"Bartender, a white wine spritzer for the lady and a beer for me."

"Thank you."

Futher comments

What works for the readers of a story? A story must give the reader a sense of what the plot of a story is . . . first thing. Then, the story needs action and
reaction in the guts of the story. These two things, should lead to a conclusion; did the characters succeed in their quests, or did they fail?

As I said earlier, you have the makings of a good story here, write on . . .

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Regards, jackson
89
89
Review of My life  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)


An


Anniversary Reviews email siggie

review.


         Hello Furball,
Another year for you here at WdC, I see it's the anniversary of your becoming a member, congrats . . . I will be reviewing your item, My life, today. Let's take a look at your story . . .

Your story as written

I was sitting around my house when I noticed something out of the corner of my eye, a door ajar . I was unsettled but I payed it no mind until it kept happening for months. I thought I always closed them

A few months later the same pattern with the pantry doors and food was found missing.

Clothes in my closet appeared that I never bought

Am I going insane

My comments

It's a short story, but within it are the elements which provide the reader the knowledge of what is happening. The plot of the story works for the reader. It's easy to follow as far as the words of the story are concerned. You did a good job on that part of the story. But . . . the punctuation has a few issues. Below, I will rewrite the story with suggested corrections in bold lettering.

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Suggested corrections

I was sitting around my house when I noticed something out of the corner of my eye, a door ajar. I was unsettled comma but I paid it no mind until it kept happening for months. I thought I always closed the doors.

A few months later comma the same pattern began with the pantry doors, and food was found to be missing. Clothes appeared in my closet which I hadn't bought.

I began to think, am I going insane?

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Overall, it's a neat little story, but the lack or punctuation has a tendency to shed readers.

Regards, jackson

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90
90
Review of Sixteen Pickets  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (3.5)


A

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         Hello CrashRandy,

Congrats on the anniversary month of your becoming a member of WdC.

My interpretation of your story

A young boy sits waiting . . . waiting for the dings of the school bell to release him from school for the summer.

The bell rang.

He started home, thinking of his plans for the summer as he walked along. Inadvertently, he ends up on the same side of the street of a house he usually crosses the street to pass. A grouchy old mam lived there . . . always yelling at kids. He walks on. Nearing the old man's picket fence, he accidently damages a picket. Pouncing from nowhere, the old man grabs him, accusing him of damaging not only one picket, but sixteen pickets in the past.

The boy's heart sinks. There went his summer plans, his whole summer lost. Now his dad would not allow him to do anything this summer, except work.

The man drives him home to accuse him in the presence of his parents . . . For the old grouch, it didn't go so well.

Nothing happened to the boy as punishment, and his dad taught him, that summer, all the things the boy had been wishing for.

Comments

It's a good story of the summer hopes and dreams of a young boy. You told it well. The reader can visualize, in your words, the grumpy old man, the boy's fear for the loss of his summer plans and the wisdom of the boy's father in seeing through the old man's treachery.

My Suggestions

This sentence, in the second paragraph, needs a comma.

I was so happy for summer to come comma I forgot where I was.

In the third paragraph, 20 feet, needs to be twenty feet.

In the seventh paragraph, the word (Suddenly) needs a comma after it. It's an introductory word which introduces the rest of the sentence.

In the eighth paragraph, "What's you're phone number?" needs to be, "What's your phone number?"

In the eleventh paragraph, He than grabbed my arm . . . needs to be, He then grabbed my arm . . .

Final comments

Overall, Sixteen Pickets is a good story.

Regards, jackson
91
91
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)



An anniversary review.

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Hello Spititual Dawning,

Congratulations on the anniversary of another year here a WdC. Your poem, Walked A Thousand Miles, sounds great when read aloud.

. . .rhymes are excellent, it has a natural flow, the rhythm is consistent throughout the poem and nothing is forced. You have came up with some great lines, and each line, to me, seems to reinforce the one before it, building melodies.

The only technical thing I can see is: the article (a) in the title does not need to be capitalized . . . Walked A Thousand Miles, but maybe that's preference in poetry.

Your work is not only poetry, within its lines, a story is told. Great work.

My favorite line is: 'And all my loves have been and gone,
and I am now estranged.'

Regards, jackson

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92
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Review of Nurse not there  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.0)


A review from . . .

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         Hello Billy,

Congratulations on being a member of WdC another year. I am here to review your story, Nurse not there. It's an interesting story . . . a recount of a true happening.

Details of the story

You were in the hospital with a broken leg; while you were there, you were helped by a nurse. Later, you found out that the nurse did not work at the hospital.

But you even had a conversation with him. He carried you back from the bathroom to your bed, told you his name, and tucked pillows around you.

When it was time for you to be discharged, you asked another nurse to give your thanks to John. This nurse asked you who was John, you explained he was the nurse who worked last night, but the nurse told you there was not a nurse named John working at the hospital.

So the question is . . . who was John? Strange things sometimes happen . . .

Comments

The story itself is conveyed to the reader fairly well, but there are punctuation issues you need to deal with, and a variety of misspellings, to make the story better. Keep working on your punctuation and spelling and your stories will shine.

I have a suggestion which will help with your spelling.

Suggestion

When I write, if I am not certain of the spelling of a word, I use the search engine on my browser. I spell the word the way I think it should be, and click search. The browser usually returns to me, the correct spelling of the word. Try it . . .

Your story

I was hospitalities for a broken leg,
the stay was to be brief overnight.
About 2 am a nurse comes into my room and ask if I needed to use the bathroom. I was able to walk with the help of a cane

I started back with only about ten feet to walk .

" I looked up at him and said I can't make it? "

He reach and picked me up like a baby.
By the way my name is John Walmore. As he laid me back on my Hospital bed . He preceded to pack pillows around me.

I fell asleep to be awaken by a female Nurse. You Can go home now. your Wife is here to take you home,

Tell John "Thank you for me!
Who Is John she ask? The male Nurse that worked last night!

We don"t HAVE any male Nurses on this floor,
Yes you do His name was John Walmore!!

Story restructured with changes in bold lettering . . .

I was hospitalized for a broken leg. The stay was to be brief comma overnight. About two a.m. a nurse comes into my room and asks if I need to go to the bathroom comma but I was able to walk with the help of a cane period

I started back with only about ten feet to walk. I looked up at him and said, "I can't make it." He reached and picked me up like a baby.

"By the way, my name is John Walmore," he said. As he laid me back on my hospital bed comma he proceeded to pack pillows around me.

I fell asleep comma only to be woke up by a female nurse.

"You can go home now comma your wife is here to pick you up."

"Tell John, thank you for me!"

She asked, "Who is John?"

"The male nurse who worked last night!"

"We don't have any male nurses on this floor."

"Yes, you do, his name is John Walmore!"

I hope this helps . . . Good luck going forward. You can do it.

Regards, jackson
93
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Review of Distractions  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.5)


A Positive hearts review,


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         Hello Anastasie,
Congratulations on being a member of WdC for another year.

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         Today, I'll review your item, Distractions. The story is about a girl who has recently broken ties the with the man she loves. It was the man who wanted to fly away; he wasn't ready to settle down. But the girl, her heart is broken, and despair fills it. But she had to let him go. Now, she is sitting and thinking of the day's events.

         A walk in the park, being together, speaking of the future. That is when Matthew broke her heart, basically telling her they had no future by saying how he wasn't ready to settle down. Now she sits, thinking . . . feeling the pain of loss. Her only distraction to stop the thoughts, she thinks, is to return to the computer screen and hope for something better.

Your story

I found myself simply staring off into space, instead of focusing on the task at hand. I couldn't help it after the events of the day. Matthew and I had spent the day walking in the park, discussing our future. He had told me he wasn't ready to settle down, which was rather unfortunate, seeing as I was. Yet, I knew, it was time to let him free. I can't allow myself to be the nail him down, when he is ready to fly away like the birds that I was watching out the window at this particular moment. I will miss him, and I won't allow him to know that my heart was breaking. My only distraction, would be to return to my computer screen, and hope for something better.

Your sentence above . . . like the birds that I was watching out the window at this particular moment: Here, you speak of watching the birds at this moment, but you use the word (was), it needs to be (am).

My suggestions

You need a space break after this sentence in bold letters, because you transition from past events to the present time. Just skip three or four lines to separate the two points of view, then begin writing again.

'Yet, I knew, it was time to let him free.' In the lines below this one, you use the present tense sometimes, and the past tense at others. It is better to choose one tense in a single paragraph, and stick to it all the way through the paragraph. Below, I will show you what I mean . . .

Restructured paragraph

I found myself simply staring off into space, instead of focusing on the task at hand. I couldn't help it after the events of the day. Matthew and I had spent the day walking in the park, discussing our future. He had told me he wasn't ready to settle down, which was rather unfortunate, seeing as I was.
Yet, I knew, it was time to let him free.

In the sentence directly above, (let) needs to be set.


          Space break


Changes in bold letters

I can't allow myself to be the nail which ties him down, when he is ready to fly away like the birds I am watching out the window at this particular moment. I will miss him, and I won't allow him to know that my heart is breaking. My only distraction, is to return to my computer screen, and hope for something better.

You did a good job with the story, it just needs consistency in tense.

Regards, jackson
94
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Review of Words  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)


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Hello Amari Jali,
This morning, I'll be reviewing your item, Words. Happy Writing.Com account anniversary.

Ooooh, I like your two opening lines: 'In the word was the beginning. And in it shall be the end.'

My interpretation

In these two lines, even if there were no other words to complement them, this world we are presently living in, lives or dies.

There is wisdom lying among the faint shadows of the internet ink you brushed these words into lines with.

The worlds exists because of words. He who is God, spoke the words of creation, and fixed the worlds he had created into place, hanging them upon nothing in his sky.

Hate was begat by words, and love . . . Laughter swims in words, and joy. Sorrow makes its nest among words, and pity . . .

Pain dwells among the letters of words, and happiness . . .

Words are the sword of sorrow, and the mother of hope. Words create things only we who have experienced those things can realize . . .fear, desolation and despair.

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These few words you have given us to read, hold within them truth. I enjoyed reading your words and speculating on what might be, if there were no words.

Your words hold within them, wisdom . . .

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Regards, jackson
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Rated: E | (5.0)


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Happy WdC account anniversary!

Hello Ms_Write1968,
I've just read a beautiful story, Fort Worth: . . . In it, you tell us of some of your memories of Texas, of growing up in Fort Worth, of your Mom and Dad. It's a delight, for me, to read this type of story. Being from the mountains of Eastern Kentucky, I had no idea that when I was sliding, in a cardboard box, down the mountains in Kentucky, that in Fort Worth, someone was doing the same thing.

In your story, you tell us not only of your memories, but you tell us, of earlier memories, those of your Mom and Dad. . . . way to go, good writing.

I noticed one little thing in your story, it's probably a typo . . . In the second sentence of the second paragraph . . . you need to capitalize i.



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Regards, jackson
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Rated: E | (4.0)


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         Hello ImaLukewarmPizza,

Your story, The Great Ignacio . . . is pretty good as an introduction for a future story.

My interpretation

         A man called Ignacio, exhausted after writing long into the night, can not wake up in the morning. He is aware, just in a deep sleep. He hears Patricia calling his name, others shaking him, and feels the warm sun upon his skin. Dreams fling themselves upon him, monsters shake him, impelling him to awaken. Still, he sleeps. He knows he is late . . . but for what?

Comments

         Many things can happen in the future story. It's well set up to be a fine story in whichever way you lead the words.

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I have a few suggestions on your punctuation; use them as you see fit, as they are only suggestions.

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My suggestions

Your first sentence: In the morning the sun hung like an evil eye . . .

In the morning, is an introductory phrase, a phrase telling us (when), then comes the rest of the sentence, telling us (what) the sun hung like an evil eye . . .

A comma needs to separate the (when) from the (what.)

In the morning, the sun hung like an evil eye . . .


The same as above, for this sentence: In his dream he heard the echoed calls of Patricia . . .

This sentence tells us (where), then tells us (what).

In his dream, he heard the echoed calls of Patricia . . .

Write on . . .

Regards, jackson


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97
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Review of Merge Necklace  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)


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         Hi Kooklis,

Some background for the readers of this review . . . This is the first entry of an interactive item. The interactive item itself, provides participants all the information necessary to make additions. A number of characters can be written about ; these characters can merge into other people in two ways, into the body only, or into the body and mind.

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          My rating for this part of the interactive is five stars. I will average this five with the first entry, Lucky You, for a final rating.

Lucky You


Suggestions

First sentence of Lucky You:

Walking home one day from school you notice a shining green necklace laying on the sidewalk.

You need to make some additions to the sentence to make it a good sentence.

Suggestions

Add (while) or (when) as the first word of the sentence.

You need a comma after (school) as the word completes one action in your sentence. Always separate two or more actions with a comma.

The rest of the sentence:

. . .you notice a shining green necklace laying on the sidewalk.

You need to change laying to lying because (laying) means, to place a thing or object down. Whereas, lying means, an object or thing already in position, such as, on the sidewalk.

Restuctured sentence


While walking home one day from school comma you notice a shining green necklace lying on the sidewalk.

The few other sentences of the entry demonstrate good punctuation. I like the question posed near the end, after they arrive home . . . Should you take a nap, or try out your new piece of jewelry? Good work . . .

Regards, jackson

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Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)


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         Hi LilyMom,
         Congratulations on another year of membership at WdC.

Wow! It's hard to review on this Infinix 11 cellphone, but I do the best I can, typing in a two inch space with a finger that's bigger than the keys . . .

Your story, An Unexpected Meeting, is quite a good story; it possesses the ingredients native to the lines of a solid story. It's a well-written, naturally flowing stream of words which define a good story.

A good plot, opposition, flow, mystery, action and resolution reside in your lines, and at the appropriate times, each of these parts combine to make your story cohesive to the readers. I will have a few tiny suggestions later . . .

My interpretation

A woman buys a pearl bracelet at a yard sale . . . It's beauty is priceless, but she purchased it for only five dollars. She had felt it was calling her name. She's thrilled. It reminded her of her Aunt Lucy for some reason. She knows the first place she will wear it. Didn't it look so good, hugging her wrist? There was a thing at an art gallery about Andy Warhol, she'd wear it there.

After walking down the stairs from her appartment, she notices the lobby is different than it had been earlier, like something straight from the sixties . . . Then, she sees her Aunt Lucy, looking just like she did twenty years ago. Was it the bracelet? Real magic for only five dollars?

Suggestions

In your sentence, There wasn't really a whole lot to buy but I did see a few undiscovered treasures . . . you need to add a comma before but because it connects two independent clauses.

In the third paragraph you write, It was the most beautiful pearl bracelet I had ever come in contact with.

This sentence describes a past event by the use of the word had. You need to change come to came.

Also in the third paragraph, If I remember correctly is an introductory phrase, it needs a comma after it before continuing the sentence.

In essence, you are relating something you thought, then continuing the sentence by telling something she did, the two actions need separation by a comma. In the same sentence, a comma needs to be put before
but because it joins two independent clauses.

Restructured sentence

If I remember correctly, she tried to make it as a fashion model, but things didn't turn out as she planned.

My final comments

You did a good job writing this story; I really enjoyed reading it. I hope my suggestions benefit your story.

Regards, jackson


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Rated: E | (5.0)


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         Hi Tammy,
Happy WdC account anniversary.

One Day At A Time-I'll Be Just Fine has a pretty melody, which sometimes crawls across the page, and sometimes flies, the speed depending on what the reader sees in their mind as they read it. For me, it crawls across the page, delighting the reader with its simplicity. It's a statement from the heart of someone who has lost their sweet love, how they must persevere, never forgetting, but no longer clinging to their memories of that one. One Day At A Time . . . tells us of one person's survival of a loss such as this . . . breaking up after ten years.

First, the person draws out the memories, the sweet feelings of love. Then, one day at a time, they put the pictures away, praying to God to give help that he may.

Time crawls, the sound of a voice is still there, and the smile in the eyes.

And one day at a time, those memories you put in a box, until a new love speaks your name.

And the invisible box is the locked-away memories of the ten years they were yours. But you have a new life now . . . and your heart is just fine.

It's a beautiful poem, excerpts from the heart . . .

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Regards, jackson
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Review of Waiting  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)


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Hello argo000,

I found an interesting tale in your port . . . Waiting. In it, a young boy, Jonah, who's afraid to sleep because of his thoughts, is waiting . . . Waiting for the spiders to come for him in the blackness of night. He is terrified . . . He wants to scream, to call out to his mother. But he does not, because his mother always tells him it's only his imagination. He waits, alone in the blackness . . . He waits for the evil which a young boy believes will come out or the darkness. He waits . . . his heartbeat erratic, his eyes watering.

Happy WdC anniversary.


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I noticed a few things which could improve your story; my recommendations are listed below.

Suggestions

In the fourth phrase of the first paragraph, if you change (clutching) to (clutched), and (curling) to (curled), the phrase will become a complete sentence. . . .

One pair of hands clutching at the bedsheets and curling them around one scared little head, leaving that one head's pair if eyes visible above the covers.

Restructured

One pair of hands clutched at the bedsheets and curled them around one scared little head, leaving that one head's pair of eyes visible above the covers.

pair if eyes, should be, pair of eyes.

The last sentence of the paragraph needs a period at the end, and restructuring . . .

Sentence: One that could not get to sleep

A boy who could not get to sleep.

You spelled connected, (conected) in the sentence directly above the final sentence of paragraph one.

Second paragraph:
(He wanted t call for his mother.), should be, He wanted to call for his mother.

Second paragraph again:

In these three sentences and phrases: She would tell him that there was nothing there. That it was just his imagination. To go back to sleep.

Combine the three parts into one sentence, then the two sentence fragments will disappear.

That it was just his imagination. and To go back to sleep. are sentence fragments.

Restructured

She would tell him that there was nothing there, that it was just his imagination, and to go back to sleep.

In the paragraph above the final line of the story, He lay down in the pillow and closed his eyes. In the pillow,should be, on the pillow.

I hope this helps, write on . . .
Regards, jackson


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