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26
26
Review of Gossip  
Review by obwan
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Thanks for entering my 100 Words contest!


This is the official review of your entry. Winners will be announced after all entries have been reviewed.

Your Story contained 100 words.

You repeated no words!!!!

This is interesting - kind of a twist at the end I wasn't expecting, but I guess that's the way of gossip - well done!

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27
Review by obwan
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thanks for entering my 100 Words contest!


This is the official review of your entry. Winners will be announced after all entries have been reviewed.

Your Story contained 100 words.

You repeated no words!!!!

One minor error (which will not affect your chances of wiining);

"...people that were very... - "who" instead of "that"

Good one! I hope that you are able to keep the nighmares at bay until I've finished the judging!

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28
Review by obwan
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey Sakeena,

This is AWESOME!

Very well done, well researced, and probably one of the most important topics of our time. I commend you on an outstanding essay.

Because I know how deeply you think, the following comments are pretty detailed - I hope that you won't judge them with your mid-brain and will take them as the constructive commets they are intended to be;

"When we make the effort to perceive others accurately, to understand them as they understand themselves..." - nothing wrong with this, but it makes the assumption that those others percieve themselves accurately too. Perhaps it might be better to drop the concept of "accuracy" and look for some kind of a middle ground, but I strongly agree with your next statement which says "...it is a substantial step toward improving global human relations..."

"...to understand and respect each other enabling ... - should be a comma after "other"

"...our insecurities, fears, conflicts, even the likeliness of..." - I'm not sure about this, but I think that a hypen instead of a comma after "conflicts" would be more effective.

"All of those statements are common stereotypes..." - nothing wrong here either, but you've limited your audience to muslims and americans - consider adding a couple of stereotypes outside these groups - "..blacks are... jews are... hidus are...", etc... Misperceptions fly far beyond the simple examples you've given, and ALL of humanity should understand some of what you're saying here.

"...if one of these statements was applied to you.." - you might consider replacing "was" with "were"

"...The U.S. government and at the time President..." - should be "...and, at the time, President..." (note commas)

"...which they believed to be a threat..." - "they" refers to multiple people, but you are speaking of one person here - should be "he".

"...Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara and ..." - should be commas around "Robert McNamara"

"In doing that, Thompson ..." - might be better to say "In doing so..." or "By doing that..."

"...point here is made by the then secretary of defense ..." - don't need "the" here, and consider changing "is" to "was".

"...it is out of our hands, we the American public, have... - comma should be after "we" instead of where it is - but this is an INCREDIBLY accurate statement.

"...learned from being in our environment." - should be "that environment" - you've already established ownership of the environment ealier in the sentence.

"...an inaccurate perception of the Middle East" - this sentence should just end at the word "perception" - "of the Middle East" is redundant in the context of the paragraph.

"...of people living there experience..." - nothing wrong with this, but I know that you live in the UAE - should that not be "here"?

"...prior to having all known facts." - I wonder about the use of the word "known" here. Might this be better said by replacing "known" with "all of the"?

"...our thoughts and beliefs effect and guide..." - should be "affect". "affect" is the action, "effect" is the result.

"...which involves negative behavior or unfair treatment toward members of a group." - should be "...toward all members of that group."

"...our beliefs and behaviors which in turn effects..." - should be a comma after "behaviors", and should be "affects" instead of "effects"

"...let’s consider how our perceptions influence us.." - should be "...how those perceptions..." - you've already established who the percetions belong to earlier in the sentence.

"...physiological changes, of which we have no control..." - should be "...over which we have no..."

"...If the person withdraws our misperception is ..." - should be a comma after "withdraws" - you sentence says that they are withdrawing our misinterpretation.

"It is important to note that tolerance and acceptance of others is not synonymous with compromising your own identity or beliefs. - this might just be the most important point in the whole work, in my opinion.

Overall this piece is very, very good, and I hope that many people take the time to read and understand what you have said. I do think that you have limited the scope a bit too much in places to the ethnic and religious groups to which you have been exposed, but it's really a very good work.

Thank you very much for the thought provoking read - and Write On!
Robert
29
29
Review by obwan
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello!

I saw this on the review request page and thought I'd give it a go.

This is an interesting story - you did a good job of catching and holding my interest, you made me want to read it all through to the end.

Following are some specific observations I had about the work. Note that many of these are simply my opinion and you can take or leave them as you see fit.

"...a particularly uncomfortable nigh" - "night"?

"...but that precise nigh" - that pesky "t" key must be broken.

"¿Where was the reflected city?" - english doesn't use the upside down question mark at the beginning of the line.

"Because it was doubtlessly a city, and the bus marched beside it as if it was perfectly solid." - this sentence is incomplete, but would be complete if you removed the word "because" from the beginning. Also, consider changing the second "was" to "were" to avoid repetition of the word. Also, the work "it" might be used a couple too many times.

"...checked many times that there was no real town..." - this part of the sentence is awkward. Maybe if you added something like "and was sure" between "times" and "that" - or something else which would explain why she was sure.

"On the first day, a kid..." - in the paragraph before you speak of "the" kid and say that he ran towards her night after night, but with this line you suddenly switch to "a" kid" and continue. Is it the same kid? It's a little confusing (for me anyway *Wink* )

"...but she knew that his name is Noik and the man he was fleeing from is his ... - you do well with the changes in tense and perspective through most of the story, but here you change abruptly in the middle of the paragraph. This might work better if you changed the two "is" to "was" here. The change in perspective at the end of this paragraph works ok.

"To be totally relieved." - this line is incomplete and stands out because of it. Who is totally relieved? Is it Noik or the girl? I think from the context that you mean the girl, but you haven't put in enough information here for that to come through clearly.

Overall, very good story, and a unique concept. I liked it very much, but it does seem to need a little bit of polish. I don't normally like the changing tense and perspective you used here, but it seem to work fine.

Thanks for the read, and write on!
Robert
30
30
Review by obwan
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello!

I saw this on the review request page and had a look.

I think that this is an excellent start for your story. You've done a great job of showing us her character through images, and have set the stage full of turmoil very well.

I have a few thoughts about some specific things in your work, but remember that much of this is just my opinion.

"...across the sidewalk stopping at..." - there should be a comma after "stopping". Without it, the sentence says that the sidewalk is stopping, but you are referring to the can.

"...how she hated him for letting her." - you might want to play with this line a bit - do you mean that she's mad because Zack let her hate Gwen, or that Zack let Gwen take him away - the way it's worded is a bit ambiguous.

"The pier was abandon; there was not even one fisherman here today." - should be "abandoned", and "here today" is in the wrong tense for the rest of the story. You could substitute "there" for hear today, but you've used that already in the sentence. You might try something along the lines of "...there was not even one fisherman dipping a line in the ... waters."

"...or even see anyone she was too angry..." - either add a comma after "anyone", or or break it into two sentences (which might be better).

"...she could punish no one else or maybe she..." - need a comman after "else"

"...the one who ditches school,..." - tense changed again - try something like "...the one who always ditched school..." - and continue with the rest of the sentence - "snapped" - "was". In the next sentence you did it fine.

"...barnacle-covered beams below the pier." - you repeat the word "pier" in this sentence, which is generally considered naughty. You could just end the sentence with "below" and it would work fine.

"...the horizon, endless, dark blue, dangerous." - consider adding "and" before the word "dangerous".

"The wind blew hard against her spraying salt water..." - should be a comma after "her". As it is you are referring to saltwater which belings to her, not something acting on her.

"She had grinned back her front teeth..." - need a comma after "back"

"...walk back to Sal’s place, but she did." - using "but she did" makes a mess of the next sentence bacause these three words say that she already walked back, but then you describe her getting up and walking back. Maybe it would be better to leave that next sentence in here but change these to something like "...but she finally found the will to rise to her feet" or something like that which would fit better.

"She turned and ran ignoring Sal and her father scream after her." - this sentence bugs me but I'm not sure why. Maybe just change "scream" to "screaming" might do it... and try putting a comma after "ran".

"She smashed a snail with her boot... - nothing wrong with this line - I think that this is great imagery based on what we've seen of her so far in the story. It really sheds light on her mood and develops her character.

Overall, this is really good. I'd love to read more when you get it done.

Thanks for the read, and write on!
31
31
Review by obwan
Rated: E | (4.0)
This poll is missing an option. I answered that I would believe in the religion I do now, but I know that most would answer that they would believe in the religion of the country in which they were born.

The issue I have is that I long ago found many holes in the religion of my parents and came to a far different belief on my own. I think that this would class as being "...in the religion I have now" - and I think that I might have come to the conclusions I did no matter what I was taught as a child, but I don't think that your poll clarifies this angle. Granted, the number of people who have come up with their own "religion" is exceptionally small, but there is at least one of us out here...

Thanks for making me think a bit with this one! Write on!
32
32
Review of Planet Patriot  
Review by obwan
Rated: E | (4.0)
Bravo! Very well said.

There are a few parts where, in my opinion, you get a little hazy, but overall a very well written, reasearched, and thought out piece.

Following are some specific observations, but keep in mind that much of this is simply my own opinion and you should take my thoughts as just that - mine. If you want to act on any them you are welcome to, but please don't feel obligated.

"Calls for the end of nations has been..." - "have been"

"...under our feet But when..." - missing punctuation

"...without the peak- or purposeful performance ..." - don't need the dash.

"Aneven more dramatic question..." - missing a space

"Kahn, Alexander and Napoleon become..." - should be a comma after "Alexander"

"...not only of ourselves, but the planet we call Earth." - Nothing wrong here, but I would have included "galaxy, supercluster, and universe..."

In the section titled "The World Web" I think you got a bit this. I agree with your views of the universe possibly being holographic in nature, but I think that you don't provide enough substance there to let most readers see that. On a side note - I think that the universe has built in some protection for itself in the fact that humans are free to destroy this planet and it won't have much of an effect on the rest of the universe - this might be an evolutionary development on the part of the universe. Imagine a star system where one individual entity was able to destroy the whole system - wouldn't be much room for anything to evolve...

"Can we truthfully deny that corporations and governments are not responsible..." - this sentence contains a double negative, and that ain't right. *Wink* Should be "Can we ... DENY that corporations ... ARE responsible..."

"...creations and plenitudes of its Being Love is pure Unity. - I'm stumbling here. Is there, perhaps, a missing period?

"There is proof enough in the memory..." - proof of what? I think that I can see what you are saying here, but you don't explicitly say it.

"Our Responsibility to Freedom" - is another section which seems a bit thin to me, but that is in comparison to the rest of the work and it may be OK.

hmmmm.... maybe scratch that last comment - maybe I just missed to difference between major and minor sub headings. Consider changing the way the sub headings are presented - maybe centering or bold text to set them off better?

On the whole, I think that this is an excellent piece, but I think that in a lot of it you might rely too heavily on the assumption that your readers are familiar with the works you quote. The problem is that people who have read all of the works you mentioned will probably have come to a similar conclusion, but the people who NEED to read this will have not seen those works and might get a little lost or confused in places. I realize that addressing this would make the piece longer and it might then not be able to hold the readers attention, but it's something I think you should consider.

Thanks for a great read, and Write On!
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33
Review by obwan
Rated: E | (4.5)
Yes, that's much better.

I am not a professional, as you can see by the fact that I found one or two things I missed on the first read, but I do enjoy reading and writing very much. I've learned that the best way to figure out how to critique my own writing in to give detailed reviews to others. I don't do too many of them, but I like to try reading something from a new author at least once a week or so - this time it was your number which came up on the dice.

Here are a couple of more thoughts on your piece for you;

"Daddy needed consistency at this point in his life" - the grammar gremlins infesting this site ate your period here.

"...and the sisters and I..." - nothing wrong with this, but I'm curious as to why you don't say "my" sisters instead of "the" sisters?

"Mama began to except her..." - should be either "accept" or "expect" - "the word "except" means almost the opposite of what you intended here.

Again, a very nice story. Thanks for the read!

Robert
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34
Review by obwan
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello!

I saw this on the review request page and thought that I would have a look.

I liked this story - you captured a lot of the feelings I had myself when my father died, and did so in a beautiful way.

I found a few gramatical issues that you might want to examin, but remember that these are my opinions and impressions and you should take them as such;

"...my children, that as..." - the comma should be after "that"

"...the kitchen, let you..." - don't need that comma at all.

I see what you are doing in paragraph #4, the way you are listing the things that tell you she is not there, but the last sentence kind of stands out alone.
That she would not show up at the door or answer us if we called out to her. - the sentence is incomplete, which might have been OK if you had not completed the sentence before, but then it would have been a spliced sentence and would have run on. Try adding something to this sentence like "...made you know that..." and see how it works.

"My husband and I had settled in. Unloaded the car, ate supper,..." - consider replacing that period with a comma, or adding something like "We" to the beginning of the second sentence.

"Crickets, whippoorwills and..." - should be a comma after "whippoorwills"

"...so there were plenty items to choose..." - "plenty of items"

"Probably didn’t taste like Mama’s cooking..."
- It sounds a little strange to use "Probably" here. Maybe just "It didn't taste..." would work better?

"We relish the time we have with Daddy, but Sunday comes ..." - You start this paragraph in the past tense as you did through the rest of the story, but suddenly change to present tense for the next couple of sentences. Should be "relished" and "came" in this part. Look close at the next couple of sentences too.

"On one of expeditions, I sat down..." - missing a word before "expeditions" - "my" or "the" or "these"?

"...the folder was were six sealed..."

"...nor anyone of the sisters..." - I think that "any one" should be two seperate words here.

In the last couple of paragraphs, particularly the one that starts with "On one visit...", it's not really clear that you are talking about what you found in the letter. This might have been intentional, but that paragraph seems a little jumbled to me.


Overall a very nice story, and with a bit of polish it would be great. If you do some re-writing and would like me to re-rate it, feel free to email me and ask.

Thanks for the read, and Write On!
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Review of PB & J  
Review by obwan
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thanks for entering my 100 Words contest!


This is the official review of your entry. Winners will be announced after all entries have been reviewed.

Your Story contained 100 words.

You repeated the following word:
"all"

Though you repeated a word, you story was exactly 100 words and you did a great job of telling a complete story in the space provided.

(By the way - the stuff at the cafeteria counter was never much better than the PB & J anyway, so you didn't miss much! *Wink* )

Don't be discouraged! The contest will be back in September and I'd love to have you try it again.

Write on!



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Review by obwan
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thanks for entering my 100 Words contest!


This is the official review of your entry. Winners will be announced after all entries have been reviewed.

Your Story contained 100 words.

You repeated no words!!!!

Very good! I love the contrast between the first paragraph and the last - it really sets off the message well. Your story flows good too - you've made good use of the limited number of words here.

Write on!

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Review of Hanging Around  
Review by obwan
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thanks for entering my 100 Words contest!


This is the official review of your entry. Winners will be announced after all entries have been reviewed.

Your Story contained 100 words.

You repeated no words!!!!

I like this one - I think that they way you did the dialogue with one and two word statements works pretty good here, and you have managed to cram quite a bit of story into just 100 words.

Write on!

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Review of I Have a Dream  
Review by obwan
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very powerful work here!

This is a perspective not many see or feel, but it comes close to that which I see as a possibility.

I don't know that this is the dream of a monster, more it seems simply like the dream of the Mother.

The only thing I don't like about it is an absense of mention of the possibilities which might be inherent in the human species - albiet mostly unrealized.

Consider the we too are children of that same mother, a part of the world which we are destroying. Would the Mother not shed a tear over that lost possibility or promise?

Thanks for a really great read, and Write On!
Robert
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Review of 100 contest ENTRY  
Review by obwan
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thanks for entering my 100 Words contest!


This is the official review of your entry. Winners will be announced after all entries have been reviewed.

Your Story contained 100 words.

You repeated the following word:
"slip"

I really like the way you worked "100" into this - very clever - and you did a great job of telling a complete story.

Thanks for the read!

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Review of One Hundred Words  
Review by obwan
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thanks for entering my 100 Words contest!


This is the official review of your entry. Winners will be announced after all entries have been reviewed.

Your Story contained 100 words.

You repeated the following word:
"its"

Yup - that's exactly where I've been all weekend - got sunburned too! You did a great job of getting a complete thought through here - and it's one that not too many people notice.

Thanks for a wonderful read!

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Review of Keeping Up  
Review by obwan
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Thanks for entering my 100 Words contest!


This is the official review of your entry. Winners will be announced after all entries have been reviewed.

Your Story contained 100 words.

You repeated no words!!!!

Your use of mostly dialog seems to have worked well to get the story across without ending up in to many grammatical knots - and you were able to get a complete story across. Nice work!

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Review of Victory  
Review by obwan
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Thanks for entering my 100 Words contest!


This is the official review of your entry. Winners will be announced after all entries have been reviewed.

Your Story contained 100 words.

You repeated no words!!!!

Excellent entry! I found no problems with this, and I'm really impressed with the completeness of the story in such a short space. You've done a great job here of not only telling a complete story, but with adding some social commentary as well. Truely a difficult task within the confines of the contest rules. Well done!

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Review of Bad Luck Frankie  
Review by obwan
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thanks for entering my 100 Words contest!


This is the official review of your entry. Winners will be announced after all entries have been reviewed.

Your Story contained 100 words.

You repeated no words!!!!

Though the contest called for a story instead of a poem, this does tell a complete, though somewhat gruesome, story and I like it a lot. Well done!

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44
Review by obwan
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Thanks for entering my 100 Words contest!


This is the official review of your entry. Winners will be announced after all entries have been reviewed.

Your Story contained 100 words.

You repeated the following words:
"in" - "on" - "so"

Those pesky little words snuck by you, but your story is very well formed and told.

I found no spelling errors.


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45
Review of Greasy  
Review by obwan
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Well done!

The chickens would be proud!

and I can see it vividly - those greasy drippings - the sense of rot and failure - the loss of hope.

I can't suggest any changes - you've done a great job with this one.

Thanks for the read! Write on!

Robert
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Review by obwan
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This was very cool - an intersting exercise, and one I've thought of doing myself a couple of times. Thanks to you, now I won't have to *Bigsmile*.

I have a bit of a disagreeement with your statement about the character of God not being very well deveolped though - the old testament clearly develops him as an angry and vindictive creature early on - even getting into arguments at times, then he mellows as it progresses toward the new testament.

You might consider adding something about the choice of the word "testament" too - it means, literally, for a man to hold his family jewels in his hand and swear to tell the truth in court. Comes from the courts in the Roman Empire, before the bible was commonly distributed.

I did not find any grammatical or spelling errors.

Thanks for an entertaining read!
Robert
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Review of On the Island  
Review by obwan
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello!
I saw this on the review request page and had a look.

You're right, it's a bit frightening - and gruesome. You do a great job though of capturing the reader right away and left me wanting to know what happens next.

Some observations;

" I wake up and all around me is black." - This sentence bugs me. It's not really a complete sentence - I understand that you are describing the color of the world or of what she sees, but it makes me want to ask "black what?". In addition, she doesn't open her eyes until the next sentence, so how does she know that it's black?

"If feels as if I'm..." - "It feels..."

"...and sadness that I am silenced by it." - shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition ("it"). Also, to what subject does "it" apply? You might get by by just ending the sentece with "silenced", or you might say something along the lines of "...silenced by my embarrasment" or "...by my surprise" (but if you use "surprise" you would probably have to get rid of "astonisment" at the beginning of the sentence. Yet another option would be to start the sentence with "I am silenced by my astonishment at the cries..."

"...voices coming from?" - again, ends with a preposition. Maybe something like "From where are the voices..."

"I struggle in vain to sit up and begin crying..." - I don't think she had to struggle to begin crying here.

"...but he silences them with..." - "us"?

"I expected him to be older than that." - I'm not sure about this - maybe "expect"? or "I had expected..."? - might want to see what other reviewers say about this.

" I struggle to breathe. " - nothing wrong with this, but there should be a line break after the preceeding quote. With it as it is it's a little confusing - had to read the previous line twice because it was almost as if she was saying that instead of Edmund.

"The lights go out and once again..." - the posted version has an extra line break after "lights"

I think that this is an excellent start to your story. Your writing is very vivid and gripping, and you have done an great job staying within a difficult point of view. The treatment of Edmund might upset some readers, but it will probably keep them reading to find out if he's OK.

Thanks for the read, and Write On!
Robert
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Review of BUTTERFLY  
Review by obwan
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very nice flow and meter to this poem, and it tells a good story.

You were right to say that it was similar to mine - but you have kept more closely to the syllable count than I. I only found one line where you broke your rule;

She was too quiet, rather sad. - 8 syllables

- but this line flows well with the poem and does not seem to break the rhythm.

Thanks for suggesting this, I liked it a lot, and I like the story it tells.

Robert
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Review of Beavers Creek  
Review by obwan
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello!
I saw this on the review request page and had a look.

This story has a lot of potential and was good enough to keep my interest to the end, but I had some trouble with structure and repetition.

My observations;

"...dressed in a matching pairs of jeans and a bright red Jurassic Park T shirts..." - don't need the "a" in either place.

"...pretending they was escaping from..." - "were" escaping.

"...called from the porch, as Jim pedaled..." - don't need that comma there.

"... trying to keep up with him" - missing period

"The summer’s day..." - this sort of implies that the summer only had one day. You could probably get rid of the "'s" and it would be fine.

"Catherine had invited Mrs. Pape and her niece, Marion over." - This line has no relevance to the rest of the story, so you could probably just remove it entirely. By mentioning characters like that the reader expects them to be part of the story - but we never hear of them again. It might be okay to just mention that she was having guests over without naming them.

"...something she was relieved about..." - "relieved" is redundant here as you used it in the previous sentence. Try playing around with this and/or the previous sentence and see if you can't say this another way.

"...buddies, Hal and Jake were out..." - should be a comma after "Jake"

"...down Beavers Street, down Lakeview drive and down to ... - "down, down, down" - you may have done this for effect, but the repetition seems a bit much. Maybe "down, up, across" or something like that would work better?

"...through dark green leaves..." - "dark green" appears twice in the same sentence. Could you replace on of them with something more descriptive? maybe something like "...emerald light filtered down through dark green..."?

"...Michael desperately scrabbled after ..." - "scrambled"?

"...surface of the river where..." - the creek turned into a river in just one paragraph! Flash flood warning!

{b"... he informed Jim" - missing period.

"Mr. Baker told me so, told me he caught a big ‘un las week near the dam, told me it near bit his head off’ said Michael

‘He told me that it eats small kids’ said Michael, sounding a bit scared." - since these are both said by the same character, they should be in the same paragraph - something like:

"Mr. Baker told me so, told me he caught a big ‘un las week near the dam, told me it near bit his head off. He even said it eats small kids!" said Michael, sounding a bit scared.

"A long ripple disturbed the " - looks like the evil creatures ate the rest of this sentence or paragraph.

"Jim picked up a few cones and stuffed..." - I like this sentence, but you use the word "Jim" a bazillion times in the same paragraph - maybe "They picked up..." Also, You have Jim climbing up the bank, then Michael is suddenly with him. Should they not both climb together?

"Jim spun around, crashed through the undergrowth..." - I see that you are trying to show the wild movement through the trees, but this sentence stretches on just a bit too long. Consider breaking it into two or three individual sentences.

"...turning back to fire of imaginary bursts..." - don't need "of" in there, or maybe you meant "off"?

"...He fumbled with his lock and found his rear tire was flat and muttered a curse." - one too many "and" here - you might just get rid of the "muttered a curse" as you have him actually say it next.

"He muttered a quite..." - should be "quiet"

"Michael bent down to tie his shoelace that had come undone.
He got up." - the reader knows that his shoelace is undone or he wouldn't have been tying it. Maybe combine these two something like; "Michael bent down to tie his shoelace, then stood up." - or "He got up to find Jim gone."

"...sob broke from Micahel" - missing period.

"Something flickered in the darkness, in the corner of his eye, on the edge of the path." - This might be personal opinion, and I do see some loginc in your repeated use of commas to break up the action int gasping little bits, but consider the same sentence like this;
"From the corner of his eye he saw something flicker in the darkness at the edge of the path."
There are several places in the story where you might consider getting rid of some of those spliced sentences.

"...and blood drained from his head and he stumbled,." - Maybe "...from his head as he stumbled"? - also, extra comma before the period.

"Jim was stumbled up towards the light, towards the clearing, the..." - "Jim"? Shouldn't it be M.? "stumbled" can't follow "was" - maybe "struggling" since you used "stumbled" in the sentence before? Also, try changing the comma after "clearing" to a period and capitalizing "the".

"Jim stumbled up towards the end..." - again - Jim or Michael? ...and I'm really stumbling over all the stumbling that stumbles through these two paragraphs.

"...his skin crawl Michael tripped..." - missing period after "crawl" - and maybe try "He" instead of "Michael" here.

Overall, good storyline and good idea, but needs some structural work. If you decide to revise and would like me to re-rate, feel free to send me an e-mail. I really think it could be a great story with some effort.

Thanks for the read, and write on!
Robert
50
50
Review of Color Blind  
Review by obwan
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Bravo!
Very well written and expressed. I am a caucasian male myself, but I have seen and been appalled by this too - and it is not just between black and white people - my wife is Italian and I am of English and German descent, and we ran into some of these same issues when we decided to get married. I realize that the intensity of peoples reactions is probably stronger for your character than it was for us, but you're not alone in your sorrow.

A few things I found while reading;

"...living in their home for over fifty years... - should be "...of over fifty..." - or maybe ..."where they have lived for..."

"...do little things to give away an inherent desire.." - "to gove" as you have used it here implies that they give it away intentionally. Might be better to use the word "which" instead of "to".

"...never really paid much attention to it." - maybe "...attention to them."?

"...flush on her cheeks had told me all ..." - "had" is repeated in this sentence - you may not need it in either place, but you might consider at least removing it from here.

"...just your typical all-American male." - nothing wrong with this sentence, but doesn't it inject a bit of the racism you disparage? Of course, that might have been your intent - but maybe not...

Thanks for a thought provoking read! Write On!
Robert
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