~Totally Intense~
Hi .:Rogue:.and welcome to writing.com!!!
I think you should expand this wonderful little piece and make it a short story. Your eye for small details is good. I like the mention of the steel-colored eyes, and the flow of the 3 year old's thoughts. I was left wanting more.
Perhaps you could make it a whole afternoon leading up to closing time. I'd be on the edge of my chair waiting to read That!! (hint hint)
Getting to know this site can seem like it will take a long time...but everyone here is very friendly and helpful. Come by and check out the I remember group, I will leave you a link under my name!
Peace always,
~flower~
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Your title drew my attention. I wasn't sure
what to expect. I thought it would make a great title for a story, but I wasn't sure about a poem.
Actually, your poem tells a story.
You use just the right language to capture the reader's interest and make them want to read the next line...like a thriller. More out of pure curiosity
than anything else. Interesting technique.
Areas to work on:
I noticed you didn't use punctuation. This is a choice, I know. (and I won't harp)
However,... I found a spot or two where emphasis would have worked and could be accomplished with a comma or a well placed word.
Ex.But I am a chalk outline---> Blah...
But, I am a chalk outline. changes the emphasis. Makes the reader pause as they read it. Or...
You could use a different word altogether.
"However,..."
And, later in the poem---> I'm still a chalk outline make the word still bold.
These are just my opinions, of course.
Welcome to this site. There are many wonderful groups to join and newsletters you can have delivered to your email each week. Frankly, I log in every day.
Hope you learn to love it here too.
Peace always,
~flower~
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Hello,
After you visited my port I decided to return the favor. I hope you will take all my suggestions to heart as they are meant to help you grow as a poet.
Title: This is a strong title. It suits the poem.
Structure/flow/format: Your poem appears to be a free verse. It does not have a rhyming scheme.
It flows well. Some of the lines would benefit from a bit of clean-up and tightening which I will address below.
Emotional impact:This poem reaches into your soul and makes you feel sorry for the dying flower, and then happy once it is finally cared for and safe once again.
How to tighten it up
Line 1-- I sit upon a hard....
Line 3-- eliminate the word "that"
Second Stanza
Line 1:Rewrite this line as: Day by day I grow weaker. (it strengthens your verb)
Third Stanza
Line 2: Rewrite as: "Everything swirling..." removing the word "is"
In the second to last stanza:
I am taking take in the energy,
storing it, saving it for a rainy day.
Again, this strengthens your verb.
Then, in you last line. Eliminate the word "but" as it is not necessary!
Overall
I really liked the imagery in your poem. As you grow as a poet you will learn these tricks. It has taken me years and years to learn some of these things I pointed out to you. (sometimes I even forget these things in my own poems.) It is great to have an outsider look over a poem for you and point out what they see. This helps in the re-write stage.
Peace always.
~flower~
(Yours is my first review after
a long abscence due to illness) It is good to be back!
It is hard to tell someone that their story left them
crying, speechless and stunned.
You captured the innoncence of Julie so well I found myself angry with you, angry that it almost felt too real.
As a woman who endured child abuse and some similar experiences I felt you captured the very essence of every tiny emotion Julie would have felt.
Every bit of her anger and betrayal so well portrayed that I could not write out one of my perfect little organized little reviews because I sat here for nearly ten minutes with my mouth agape, wondering how you could know the minute details you wrote for both the father and the daughter.
As the drink emptied you revealed more and more. I really thought that was a great technique.
The intensity of this story will stay with me for a long time. I could have made this a private review, however I wish to share with others how very Powerful your words are and the effect they had.
Bravo. This may be a very difficult read
for those who have abuse issues however I give it
my highest rating. 5 stars. Great Job!
Hello Legerdemain
I am out and about checking out poetry today in my attempt to learn as much as possible while enjoying the poetry of other members.
First Impression
I love the format of this poem. You didn't mention
if it was done in a specific poetic format and I am
not skilled enough to always recognize which one a
poem might be. However, I did notice a few things
about each stanza
Each stanza had one word in the last line.
I thought at first it was 4 words in the first line
3 in the next, then 2 words and finally in the last
line only one word. However, not all of the stanza's
followed that format. Perhaps, it was totally an
accident that you ended each stanza with only one
word. Perhaps you meant to do it for emphasis
Small technical errors
I couldn't help but notice thatall of your
sentences started with a capital letter.
If you use microsoft word (as I do) it will auto
matically place a capital letter at the start of
each line when you are writing a poem.
What I do -- when I cut and paste the poem into WDC
I go into the body of the document and put small
letters at the start of the sentences where it is
needed. Of course, a new sentence requires a
capital letter. However, after each of your comma's
you do not need a capital letter.
Yep, it takes a little time. But, in
a contest it can make the difference between a 4.5
and a perfect 5 star rating. Just my humble opinion!
Overall flow, Likeability etc!
This is a lovely poem which keeps the reader's
attention and evokes strong emotions.
Great job!!
Peace always.
~flower~
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Be sure to check out my free verse
Poetry Forum "Invalid Item"
Hello Harry
Your poetry has called me back to visit your port
again! (still chuckling over the hair poem)
Topic
Interesting that you chose a tiger as the focus of
your poem. At first glance the poem appears to be
about the friendship. However, if you read further,
as I did, you might see another message hidden in
the lines of this poem.
For me-- the moral it seemed was one that seemed
to say that we should be careful of the friends
we make in our lives and the close relationships. For we can be so blinded by our love that we
do not see when this relationship hurts us. We are
unable to walk away when it is clear that continued
time in the relationship is dangerous.
Favorite part:
The ending!
However, I do not wish to give it away.
Therefore, you must go read it for yourself.
Tiny Errors:
Then his parents learned of the tiger.
comma after Then
Then one day the tiger turned on him
comma after day
Overall Impression:
Loved this one too.
Made me laugh out loud!
Peace always.
Stop by my new poetry forum for
freeverse poetry if you like.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1046564 by Not Available.
How shall you compare your love?
To a pineapple I guess? Interesting choice!
Being deathly allergic to pineapples, this certainly
caught my attention.
Clever usage of metaphors! I liked these the best:
Better than pure silver,
Your body is my chapel
New and interesting ideas
Pineapple with chocolate sauce.
Hmmmmmm I wish I could try this delicacy.
I am certainly jealous.
I would love to compare my love for someone
to this delicious sounding desert, however
I dare not risk chocking and being whisked
off in an ambulance just to try it.
Peace always.
I look forward to more of your work.
~flower~
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I found this lovely little poem and had to let you
know my thoughts.
Writing a poem can be quite difficult. Writing one
where you must leave out a vowel is even more challenging. You did a good job of avoiding words
with the letter "e" in them.
I felt at times you forced the rhyme a bit. If you
tried to write the poem without making it rhyme it
may have turned out completely different.
So many people think all poems must rhyme.
This simply is not true.
I wish you the best of luck in your writing.
Peace always.
~flower~
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Your story was so touching and sweet it brought tears to my eyes.
As I read the first paragraph, I noticed an error or two. Usually, when I review a story, I begin as soon as I find something that gets my interest whether it is a good thing or an error.
In this case, I kept reading. Something about the story compelled me to continue on with my reading.
Halfway through the story, I sort of figured out what kind of ending it might have (and I was correct) yet it was so sweet it still struck me as such a tender story I was quite pleased with how you wrapped everything up.
Well done.
Peace always.
~flower~
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Hi Becky,
Your poem is sweet.
It is also quite short.
I hope you don't think poetry has to rhyme.
Poetry is more about the images it creates for the
reader.
What I like:
I like the idea--your family is forever
You could build on this by adding lines
they do not need to rhyme or repeat a certain
pattern. There are many types of poetry which do
not follow a format.
Good luck with your future poems.
I'll be back to read more.
Peace always.
~flower~
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Hi Iva Lilly Durham
I found this delightful poem on the
Review Request page and I am glad I clicked on the
link.
I needed a little laugh in the midst of my day.
We all do now and then.
Your poem is philisophical, but not over the top.
It has a lightness to it, a playful nature that made
me feel comfortable enough to laugh at my life and
smile at your poem, yet take it seriously.
Thanks for the smile.
Though some of the lines are a bit cliche,
I wouldn't change a thing.
Peace always.
~flower~
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It touched my heart.
I became a grandmother this year. Eight months ago, a
very sweet little boy with tiny fingers and toes
entered my life. Aren't those firsts wonderful?
I look forward to each one.
The first was so sweet. He opens his mouth
pulls you toward him and gives a big open mouth kiss
with his lips all over your mouth. He loves giving
kisses.
It is obvious you love your child.
Thanks for sharing your poem.
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~flower~
"It seems I can never die"
I think you should keep the line pure and not use
"now" or "but" in front of it.
What needs work:
Some people choose not to use punctuation. You
used comma's in some places and left out basic
punctuation. You should make a choice to use it
or leave it out altogether.
I don't care for the use of the "f" word.
I happened to glance at a couple of your other poems
and noticed you use the word quite regularly.
It isn't necessary in this poem. It doesn't convey
a deeper meaning in the way you use it.
I feel you could eliminate it.
Additional grammar issues: But your Your love kept me alive
Do not start a sentence with the word "but"
My rating:
Peace always
~flower~
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Though your poem rhymes quite nicely I found it to be
a bit short. I was just getting a feel for it and it
was over so quickly. It left me wanting more.
It would be nice if you could expand this poem.
I'd love to see you use some alliteration or metaphors
or something as well. This is simple and straight
forward, which is nice, but it could be better if
you strectched your effort a tiny bit.
Thanks for sharing.
Peace always.
~flower~
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HelloMitch
I was in the mood for some poetry tonight so I trotted right on over to your port in search of something great. My Overall Impression:
I love a good pet poem.
What can I say? I'm a dog lover! Awww!
GeneralComments
You capture the life of a dog so well.
I don't know if you read my poem about how
my dog got lost in a cabinet for 20 whole minutes.
eeep! It was frightening.
Things needing attention:
Why, I wouldn't change a thing.
My Rating:
Peace! Keep writing.
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Hi Whew
I'd like to offer you a hearty welcome to writing.com
I hope you have found many of the
things offered here.
Subsribing to newsletters is a fantastic way to gain esposure and meet new people. I highly recommend "Invalid Item"
My Overall Impression:
Your poem is enjoyable to read and has some nice
lines. I would have liked to have seen a bit
more imagery drawn out of the words.
Things needing more attention:
I feel that you focused a lot on making this poem rhyme
I would love to see you play around with some of the lines and see what you could do with it.
ex. Feelings are so fragile.
This is sort of bland.
First thing I would do is remove the word "so"
Feelings are fragile.
Feelings are like an antique crystal chandalier.
This way the reader sees that the feelings are
fragile without you having to say it.
(I'm off this morning and that may not be the
best example but you get the idea)
You did it well with word=scythe!!
My rating:
Peace!
"When a writer talks about his work,
he's talking about a love affair."
-- Alfred Kazin
Hello Donna,
It is so good to read your story.
I don't want to spoil it with all my little ML and emoticons. After all your message is very inspiring and deep. It brought me to tears.
Children have a way of teaching us so many things.
We don't go home from the hospital with a child rearing manual (though my grandson and his momma did
get one at their hospital in North Carolina. 48 page
child rearing manual for mothers)
We learn as we raise our children. Sometimes we come upon hard times and we wish we didn't have to go through those times. However, I think we learn from them and the child/ren learn valuable lessons for their life/ves from hard times.
The only true way to receive unconditional love in the world is through a child. Children do not have the skills yet to play mind games or trick or hurt us. They give freely from their hearts.
Your story is inspirational and I am glad you were able to share it with us.
I simply love your nature c-notes.
The photographs are lovely and you have added such nice touches to each one.
I particularly like how you added your copyright symbol.
I think I will start doing the same thing with all of my graphic images and signatures. I have had a bad experience with another member on this site just right clicking and saving anything she wants without asking permission.
It isn't nice and it hurts the person who went to a lot of time and trouble to create the work.
As I said, your c-notes are lovely.
I will bookmark them for future use.
Peace always.
~flower~
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This is an excellent poll. Violence in society is extremely prevalent. It is our job as parents and teachers to make sure our children are not reading material that is not age appropriate or that contains sensitive subject matters.
While I think there are some subjects that should NOT be written about in great detail, I do believe we have the right to free speech.
We must be quite careful though. Free speech is NOT
carte blance to write pornography for children's textbooks nor is it permission to write anything one desires.
There are implied rules and common courtesy rules when thinking of writing. A person wouldn't write a sleazy poem inside a christmas poem for a child unless they were incapable of understanding the consequences, a criminal or didn't care how much they hurt children.
For these reasons, we have laws. When a person violates the laws, they are punished.
Your poll made me think. Something many of the polls here at WDC haven't made me do in a while.
Thanks.
~flower~
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This poem has a good feel to it. I felt as if you were comparing the ragged cloth to your life from the first line, well before reaching the last line, which gave away the "punch line" so to speak.
You used wonderful metaphors.
I did see a few things I might fix.
Simple things to fix
wore out patches from overuse worn out
Your last line is too long and changes the flow.
what happened to make my life into a useless garment?
Try this:
What happened to make my life
into a ragged cloth
a useless garment?
Overall, I was impressed.
I hope you have entered this in one of the many contests.
Peace always.
~flower~
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Hello Tani
I found your poem "Poison" somewhat intriguing.
I believe I clicked on a link at the bottom of the
page and ended up at your port quite by surprise.
For me, the repitition of the word poison was a bit
too much in the first stanza.
I couldn't help but think you tried so hard to make
it rhyme, I think you lost some of the ability to
weave a story in the reader's mind.
For me, I would rather have a poem be a bit abstract,
something I have to really think about the word meanings than for it to rhyme perfectly.
My favorite line is:
Her spirit rises above a body broken.
In this line you do paint a picture instead of being absolutely literal.
Keep writing.
Peace always.
~flower~
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Well dear,
Welcome to writing.com
It is great to write out your feelings.
It can be very freeing.
Usually you feel much better when you let it all out.
I'm not a big fan of rhmyed poetry when it seems
forced...and this poem feels a bit forced.
I think if you tried using a metaphor or some alliteration or other poetic devices you might like the results.
Just a suggestion.
Peace always.
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In my quest to find amusing stories to take my mind off things from the past few days, I stumbled onto this story. What a find!
I giggled the whole way through reading this.
I recognized many of my friends in your description
Not me (of course)! Fatigue alone keeps me from spending the time blow-drying and primping my own hair. Nope. It is short, and ready-to-wear.
I don't have the energy to mess with half-hour combings and fluffing sessions anymore.
It will have you grabbing your side
and giggling out loud.
Peace Always.
~flower~
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(I'll be back to read more
in your port after a nap!)
Hello Cat
I'd like to offer you a hearty welcome to writing.com
This is a large site. We have many members to meet, newsletters, and even groups you can join. I hope you will read all about these in your Getting Started section. I take 7 or more newsletters and love em.
Positives:
Your poem grabbed my heart!
You used a lot of metaphors (good) Favorite Lines
The time where,
All the lights were suddenly turned off,
In hopes that you may reunite with others
This painted a lovely/sad picture in my mind.
and this one--> fire was dancing in a crystal! Amazing!
A few Ideas for Improvement
Spacing-- you need to decide where stanza
breaks should be if this is a poem... and put some
in place.
If this is a poetic story, you need to put in some
paragraph spaces.
Our eyes need a break. (mine are old hon)
look at the possibility
of every four lines.
Or look for natural paragraph breaks.
Tense. You switch tense in the poem.
After--"the time had finally come...
There are a few usage errors.
That so disturbingly haunted me on these those nights,"
Overall, I enjoyed this piece immensely and look
forward to reading more of your poetry and other
writing here at writing.com
Peace always.
~flower~
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I saw a logo for the group "The Terrace (CLOSED)" at the bottom of a public review and my curiosity got to me.
Positives: concice layout wonderful use of ML including colors easy to read gives credit for where the weekly prompts
are found on the internet. Bravo!!! lays out rules, expectations, and deadlines.
Areas for Improvement:
Under "The Job" you have instructions about:
---story length
---deadline
---explanation of storyline, plot etc.
--- Donation expectations.
I think you should either use bullets for this
section so it is very clear. OR you could make it
bold (easier to read) and each idea as a new sentence.
Overall, I love the idea of your Terrace.
I could use some practice with basics myself... I will keep the group in mind when I'm
not overextended with other obligations.
Peace always,
~flower~
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Your title drew my attention. I wasn't sure
Areas to work on:
This may be a very difficult read
Flower 
First Impression 
Yep, it takes a little time. But, in 
Just my humble opinion!
Topic 
New and interesting ideas 
more of your work.
was so sweet. He opens his mouth
GeneralComments
Simple things to fix 
Favorite Lines 
Spacing-- you need to decide where stanza