Very dark, but very well written (apart from the typos). The bit where he approaches the pyre is a bit confusing. You need to make the remembering bit separate from the current journey; I had to reread to realise it was not the baby on the pyre.
I like the contrast between the caring father making the ultimate sacrifice to the heartlessness of Gorin, who is obviously no god.
Let me just lock the door and check the windows... OK, it's safe. I was there with this guy all the way. I have given witness statements a couple of times myself and although it was nothing this serious I shared some of this guy's feelings of intimidation. Apart from the odd typo I see nothing to correct with this work. I look forward to reading more.
A very good attempt at concrete poetry. First I've seen since college. Not easy to do on computers that don't always keep formatting in tact. I like the sentiment of the work; especially the bit about making memories. The simple things that mean so much at the start of a relationship.
I did not make it to the end of this piece because the words started to blur into each other. To make it easier to read on the screen you need more spacing. From what I did read I got the gist. I like the way this young man takes his personna from the book he is reading. However, you need to make a clear defining line between his way of speech and the language used in the narrative to clearly highlight this. Your writing style is somewhat reminiscent of Martin Ames.
You have made a good beginning. You have your heroes, now you need your protagonist. What goes wrong with this great idea? How does it end and what twists and turns might be encountered on the way? Research some realistic sounding scientific jargon and you are on your way.
Your story reminds me of a real incident when I was at Dartington. My daft IRISH mate staged the kidnap of a female student as part of his piece only to be dragged from his bed by ARMED officers and interrogated for 24 hours.
Philosophy such as the ancient myths are made of; but also humorous. Which animal inspires we writers: the owl who stays up all night thinking, the woodpecker tapping away at the keys, or maybe it's all those monkeys they say could create the works of Shakespeare given time?
A thoroughly enjoyable story. You have really captured the inner turmoil of Joshua and the helplessness of his friends. This is a story that deserves publication. One small detail though; some publishers might think the drug references push it into the 18+ market.
I feel I already know your detective. You have done a good job of establishing his character without the need for lengthy description. I read a lot of detective fiction and so far you are up there with the best. I hope you have already outlined your plot points so that you don't make the mistake I did when I first started writing and get lost half way through. I want to read more...
I can tell that you are an experienced writer. The setting is unusual; not many novels are set in that time period other than biblical ones. Have you told the reader too much in the opening chapter? Will you have enough material to turn it into a novel? I have fallen into that trap myself.
Have you thought about writing this in first person; it would add more drama. And if this is to be a novel perhaps you need a chapter before this to establish the girl's character before the attack to emphasise the changes after.
It did not take long to realise that Charlie was a young creature of some kind although it took a while to realise he was a bee. This piece was very well crafted. My only slight criticism is in the formatting; leaving a space between paragraphs makes it a bit easier to read.
Although your writing is very descriptive, given the nature of the narrative, it slows the pace down too much. Try to keep dialogue snappy and bring in the descriptions only at quieter moments. Think of your audience; those who would be interested in a tale of domestic violence might not appreciate flowery language. This is obviously a modern setting yet the voice I hear is Victorian.