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471 Public Reviews Given
488 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
If you're really desperate for a review, feel free to email me. Just don't expect a very quick turnaround. NB: I'm happy to review novels. I tend to review from the point of view of a reader rather than an editor. I 'nitpick' on anything that interrupts my reading flow. If you want me to go all out with nitpicking in general, ask me to do a line-by-line. Quite happy to do so - as a copied static or email.
I'm good at...
Getting into the story from the reader's perspective.
Favorite Genres
M/M, romance, horror, western
Public Reviews
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126
126
Review of 12 years asleep  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi JosieGitsune

I've just read " 12 years asleep" , and am pleased to offer this review. It’s in association with House Stark for the wonderful contest: "King's Landing updating " .


*Crown* Reader Impressions
One of my House Stark teammates actually sent me the link because I’m a fan of stories that combine real/fantasy. I must admit I did spend a bit of time puzzled about what was going on and just who (or what) the female character since it is not really until the final few sentences of the first half of the story that you mention she is a cloud-drifter. I had thought briefly if she was a sort of ‘spirit’ type, and I guess she is sort of that.

The second half of the story purports to give an insight into her world and it does. This cloud-drifter can obviously take on a (solid) human form and delights (with a disarming childlike nature) in human things, events, senses. However, she also seems to be part of the weather herself, or rather a cloud. And in this way, she is – as the narrator points out – living a pretty unstable life. I get the feeling she is also misunderstood a lot and never really taken seriously. She’s powerful in her own right and fickle – accepting people and then pushing them away very quickly. When she talks about attitude, that’s when she explains some of her fickle nature. And this sort of to/fro nature explains the ‘lonely’ mentioned at the beginning of this half of the story.

I really liked the colloquial way this story was told (I love first person narrators anyway!), especially with those little aside moments when you brought in the reader (‘you’); it felt like I was being let into a secret of sorts. And being a dreamer, I understood that whole thing about ‘don’t wake her up’. Waking a deep dreamer can be disastrous, as you pointed out.

You know, when reading this, I kept thinking of the poem ‘I wandered lonely as a cloud’, and had to go look it up as the title seemed to convey both the cloud-drifter and the narrator who also seems a bit lonely. The poem is very nature-oriented and also about, I think, how we take things for granted and never give them the time of day. In my more fantastical mood, I think it fits well with your story. Here’s one link I found: http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/174790

She was still sleeping when I met her again – this is a fabulously catchy opening sentence!! It brings up all the right questions – who, why, how long etc, and hooks the reader in. And in actual fact the final words of the story act as a hook too. A sort of ‘lie’ told by the narrator to appease the cloud-drifter, a flash of magic even that he’s seeing the leaf colours in her eyes as if she is the one bringing life to the leaves.


*Crown* Suggestions
I really like the idea of a personified cloud/dream sort of character, but don’t forget to be a bit more clear on where the ‘real’ human (in this case, the narrator) comes into it. Give a little bit of his background – how is he able to wake the drifter, talk to her, be with her? Has he got special skills? Is he sort of like a wrangler, a kind of controller? (For the record, he comes across rather in love!)

Also, as the beginning of a short story this is really catchy but I’m intrigued to see how it grows into that short story, with a beginning, middle, end. At the moment, this little piece feels a bit haphazard and I’m not sure I can see a plot within it, or rather how a plot will grow out of it. Is the narrator her guardian, he is trying to control her, is he just in love with her and that’s why he keeps coming back, does she have a purpose etc. You don’t need those things in this ‘beginning’ but if you’re going to continue it (and I hope you do) then start thinking about where you’ll go with it (and do let me know when you’re there because I’d love to read a longer version!)

I would suggest putting spaces between your paragraphs, just to make reading easier, and I had wondered whether Hazy eyes. should be ‘hazel eyes’? I think I expected a colour here even though I would also expect she has hazy eyes, so am just after some clarification.


*Crown* Closing Comments
This was quite a refreshing change from other fantastical stories I’ve read, and probably quite unique. I would love to see where you take it and do hope you continue writing it. I also can’t wait to see what you name the cloud-drifter (if indeed you do) because it looks to me as if she’ll only accept a name that is just perfectly right!


Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your writing!

Best wishes,
Osirantinous


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
127
127
Review of The Terrible Gift  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi GeminiGem of House Lannister

It is my total pleasure to offer you this House Stark review of "The Terrible Gift"  to celebrate your birthday *Cake2* I hope you have a wonderful day. The review is, of course, for "King's Landing updating " 


*Crown* Reader Impressions
I only have a half personal connection with cancer – my mum had a mastectomy in July of 2013, and I am fortunate that it wasn’t a genetic instance. I wrote two poems on how I felt because poetry was the only format I could find that enabled me to express my feelings (which was a revelation since I’m not a poet). Your poem is sadly a first-hand experience but, you know, the thoughts and feelings, questions and puzzlement that you have written reminded me of how I felt and I draw strength from this. Cancer was once a very ‘alone’ thing but we no longer let it be like that. By writing down your thoughts and feelings you’re giving the disease a kick in the face that it won’t beat you.

The Terrible Gift is a very simple poem, written straight from the heart; powerful and sad and hopeful all in one. And angry too in that you’ve been given something you didn’t want and that you can’t give back. Your life was turned upside down out of the blue and your second stanza very clearly describes what the ‘gift’ has done. You know, it’s odd that people don’t seem to think in terms of money but you’re totally right that there is a heavy financial burden that comes with this disease. I appreciate that you don’t gloss over that, or any of the other facts that result from the gift.

The pairs of statements are superb, Leah, superb! I am sure so many readers have nodded to them and even if they have not experienced cancer they will know someone who has dealt with these feelings, or have even dealt with them resulting from another sort of tragedy. It’s flight or fight; we want to do both and are torn over what to do and what people will think. We shouldn’t hide that, and I hope people reading this poem get that message.


*Crown* Suggestions
Man, who could make a suggestion on a poem written so from the heart like this one is? Hang on, I do have a suggestion – write more poetry. You’re amazing at it!


*Crown* Closing Comments
Leah, this is a beautiful poem about the shock and struggles and fights when one has been given cancer. Gosh, that sounded slightly off but I mean that I love and appreciate how you haven’t shied away from the shitty side of the disease, all those behind-the-scenes things that your friends and neighbours, sometimes even family, don’t get to see and don’t understand. It’s inspiring. *Ribbonp*


Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your writing!

Best wishes,
Osirantinous


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
128
128
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Amalie Cantor - We Got This!

Back again, this time with a review of "That the Blind Might See" , which is the companion piece to The Choice so I couldn’t not review! It’s a House Stark review (surprise!) for "King's Landing updating "  and I once again wish you the happiest anniversary.


*Crown* Reader Impressions
This story begs for a sequel! Not just to tell the story of Binda and Skie as they attempt to make a new life, but also to tell the story of the sprites and the Unseeing and how it all came about. It’s a fascinating premise that could become so much more.

Quite aside from that, this short story stands fully on its own. It’s a well-fleshed plot – we learn about Binda and her life and beliefs, we learn about the Unseeing and see that perhaps they’re not all as unseeing as the world would have us believe, we learn about prejudice and hope, and that sometimes doing what is right is against the rules. Binda is a strong character, dedicated and loyal but also willing to trust her instincts. Yes, part of that seems to be a budding love, but that’s a powerful emotion and needs to be trusted in its own right. (Okay, I’m a romantic; her and Skie’s ‘bond’ hooks me in!). Skie is vulnerable and really at Binda’s mercy. We don’t get to visualise Skie much but that kind of works. If she can’t see colours and beauty it stands to reason that she is a sort of grey-scale to readers and barely there

I found it interesting that in this story Binda has a choice to make, just as Skie does in her side to the story. It is almost the same choice, with the same sort of consequences, and this ties the pair together even more strongly (though, of course, they don’t know it).


*Crown* Suggestions

Binda had been watching her for weeks… – I know who ‘her’ is but since the previous paragraphs are all about the colours and wonders of the world I think when you suddenly get back to Binda and her ‘companion’, you need, in the first instance, to replace ‘her’ with something more definitive – ‘the creature’ or ‘the Unseeing’ for example.

All this had led Binda here, taking aim at the woman as she overlooked a large waterfall. And Binda sat near the now unconscious woman… – nothing wrong with the sentences but they left me confused with the timing. They begin sequential paragraphs and the latter sentence sounds ‘happening right now’ to me, which made me re-read the previous half of the story to see if I’d been reading something of a ‘back-story’. I don’t think I was. It’s possibly the ‘had’ you use that made me think this way. But also, you go from training an arrow to descriptions of beauty to Binda’s feelings about the unseeing and suddenly back to the ‘present’ when they’re on the edge of a waterfall. It’s probably just me but I think a little repositioning of the information would help the reader make sense (if they’re all as easily confused as me, of course!).

This is some serious nit-picking but you have Binda whispering the incantation and the very next thing is her saying ‘You’re alive.’ I did, for a moment, think that that was the incantation. Since I presume it isn’t, I’d recommend that Skie’s relieved comment comes after she’s witnessed Skie’s eyes fluttering open.

"I am that which you long for every night as you fall asleep, that which you see in all your dreams but forget come morning, that for which you yearn so greatly that you longed to abandon life rather than live it without." – more a query here. How does Binda know how much Skie has yearned for her? Does she pick it up from Skie’s dreams? Did Skie speak at the top of the waterfall? Or is the sprite omniscient?


*Crown* Closing Comments
Another wonderful story and really something that could be continued. Especially since there was that tiny reveal that an Unseeing can be cured of the affliction, but it’s forbidden. Little hooks throughout this story to make a reader want more! As already seen in The Choice you have a wonderful knack for description; it allows the reader to ‘see’ the story as if it’s acting out in front of them and that’s a wonderful experience. I look forward to more of them.


Happy two years!! May there be many, many more to come!!
Os


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
129
129
Review of A Choice  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Amalie Cantor - We Got This!

It is my total pleasure to offer you this House Stark review of "A Choice"  to celebrate your two-year anniversary. It is, of course, for "King's Landing updating " .


*Crown* Reader Impressions
This little story is both heart-wrenching and hopeful. Skie’s life has obviously been difficult, though we don’t get to see much of the ‘why’ beyond knowing there are demons, voices in her head, and the most difficult thing to live with – wanting something that you can’t have. The decision to leave life pulls at the reader’s emotions and makes us wonder about that life and how long Skie toiled before making this decision. Hopeful because, firstly, Skie hasn’t died and, secondly, because a whole new world appears to have opened up for her to accept if she has the courage and the desire.

The Choice, tiny as it is, followed an expected story arc of beginning, middle and end, and contained conflict and a cliff-hanger (the choice) to really grab the reader’s attention. Personally, I was also totally pleased it contained a speck of romance mingled with the hope and fresh start.

The writing was beautiful on its own, with rich descriptions that allowed me to visualise Skie’s surroundings and the mystery woman. Was intrigued though that the waterfall didn’t rate a mention in that description of the ‘new’ scenery, nor even its sound.

They resembled nothing so much as a cloud of green smoke, gently shifting to and fro in the breeze, vaguely coalescing in the shape of wings. – just want to point out one of the best descriptions I’ve read in ages. It’s really visual and ethereal.

You ended this story with so much promise I just have to say that I’d love to see a sequel. If you’ve already got it, do point it out!


*Crown* Suggestions
This is more a query than a suggestion and arises from the companion piece That the Blind Might See. Is Skie fully blind and in darkness or can she see but just not see the beauty and colours? I ask because of this sentence:

Day had long since fallen to night when she’d leapt from the dam’s edge; she’d not intended to see daylight again. – it sounds like Skie can physically see, yet I got the feeling from the companion piece that she couldn’t (until Binda had worked her magic). So I’m just after clarification about what form her blindness takes. Of course, if a reader has only read this story the question is moot, but you have linked it to That the Blind Might See and they may end up wondering the same thing.


*Crown* Closing Comments
A lovely little story that starts out with pain and grief and ends with hope and a fresh start.

Since I have read the companion I must admit that I really enjoy reading two sides to a story. I think it takes decent skill to tell two different POVs all the while keeping the speech 100% same. It’s always fascinating to read how one character views another’s reactions and then to see those same reactions from their point of view.


You write beautifully, Amalie. I look forward to reading more now that I’ve finally found my way back to your port.

Best wishes and happy anniversary,
Os


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
130
130
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Cale Fast

I found your item on the Review Request page and the title totally intrigued me so I checked it out. I’m offering a review of "The Days We Won't Complete"  on behalf of the House of Stark for "King's Landing updating " .


*Crown* Reader Impressions
To be honest, when I first saw that the format was one giant paragraph I sat back and went ‘yikes’. These days we’re all about trying to present our work in a fashion that encourages people to read. However, despite that, we also need to tell the story in a format that works for the story. Once I’d read this one, I came to the conclusion that this one giant paragraph is just right. It’s chaotic, frantic, frightened, determined, rushed and final.

The title is one of the most hard-hitting and heart-wrenching I’ve seen, and, as odd as this sounds, it’s really beautiful that the title was part of the story; that the young man thinks of these days he’ll never complete and the life ahead that he will miss. I know you’re probably thinking ‘beautiful? Did you read this story?’ but that’s how it came across to me, how it hit me. This narrator has done nothing wrong bar needing to cross ‘bad’ territory to get home, he has his whole life ahead of him and some bastard has put paid to that. His thoughts as he’s falling reveal a beautiful mind – he thinks of a wife and child, and of his mother. As you say in your description, this is a story of tragedy. And it is. I have never really thought about an early death in terms of not being able to complete the days one is entitled to (and, surely, all of us expect at least 90 years’ worth), so I found the title particularly hard-hitting.

Okay, so going to stop on that subject before I get some tears in the eyes!

As for the story itself… it’s about a young man wanting to do something lovely for his mother on her birthday. He achieves this and heads home. The problem is that heading home puts him on a bad street and that’s when things turn nasty. The narrator is fairly level-headed; he knows he has to run and how to run. Unfortunately, he ends up with just one way to escape. It’s a little bit ironic that he doesn’t want to die and yet as he jumps from the roof he pretty much knows that’s what’s going to happen. Except… this is by his own hand and perhaps that’s the lesser of the evils.

I liked how you wove the narrator’s history/life into this ‘happening right now’ moment – about the things he does for fun with his friends, about his relationship with his mum and how his dad up and left, even how the cops are no longer on the street. You could have got yourself mired in a whole lot of ‘tell’ rather than ‘show’ but you didn’t; these little moments slotted right into the story very easily and at perfect times, giving the character depth and revealing him as a rounded figure. I would not ask you to change any of that, but I would love to know what ‘parkour’ is/means?

The final sentence is perfect. Some might ask ‘how does a drowning/drowned first person narrator know this’ but who cares? This story is all about the dress – it’s what starts off our narrator’s journey and it’s sadly apt to be the thing that survives the night. Especially since this has come immediately after thinking about the days that will never be completed. The bag will float somewhere to be grabbed up by someone, and the dress will be used or sold without knowing the tragedy behind it.


*Crown* Suggestions
You may find that other reviewers pull you up on sentence fragments (such as And pulled out a switchblade, where there’s no actual subject, or I found a pipe. About 2 feet long. Thin but dense., where these could make one sentence) but for the most part their jarring nature worked with how the story unfolds so I’m not going to rush in here and make you rework things. The fragments help shape the story just as must as the one giant paragraph does.

There were two main things that hindered my reading flow a bit –typos and the speech moments that didn’t have speech marks or which weren’t italicised to indicate internal speech. In a massive one-paragraph setting, I think you do need to be quite careful in off-setting speech and thought for the reader’s understanding. Most of those issues came in the last quarter of the story, such as s***, I muttered to myself. Breath. Don’t cry, I said to myself…. Even though the narrator is talking to himself he’s still talking and you need speech marks around s*** and Don’t cry. If these were thoughts… then you could put them in italics, and actually leave off the dialogue tags because italics will normally indicate to any reader that we’re in thought mode.

Breath. – you have this twice, when the narrator is trying to calm himself. You need ‘breathe’ here as that’s the verb while ‘breath’ is the noun.

… looking peculiarly at my Air Jordans… – I just wondered if you meant ‘particularly’ as this would mean the lady was looking specifically at the shoes. ‘Peculiarly’ sounds like she was looking at them with her eyes crossed or something.

You’ll be fine. Your tough. – I loved these pep talks, very natural and human. However, ‘your’ needs, really, to be ‘you’re’. You’ve got ‘your’ at the end, too, when the man is taunting the youngster on the roof.

I could here his breathing. Labored. But calm. He had a sick calmness. – ‘here’ needs to be ‘hear’ and I just wondered if it was possible that labored breathing could be calm. I understand what you mean in the final sentence but ‘labored’ seems too puffy to ever be calm. Perhaps something like ‘steady’? That would show that the man is breathing hard but still calm. Does that make sense?

It caught be in the cheek. – ‘me’ rather than ‘be’.


*Crown* Closing Comments
It sounds odd to say that I really liked a story of tragedy and gang violence, but I did. This is a powerful piece. It’s heart-warming and heart-wrenching all in one, and, as I’ve said, that title is just amazing. Definitely needs some tidying up in terms of typos (and even just consistency – such as with the various ways you write out the money) but that’s superficial. You ought to be very proud of this and I hope you get lots of readers and reviews for it.


Kindest regards,
Osirantinous


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
131
131
Review of Crooked House  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Choconut ~ House Targaryen

I spotted your flash fiction in the Read a Newbie column, so I did. And now I’m reviewing "Crooked House"  on behalf of House Stark for the highly frantic "King's Landing updating " .


*Crown* Reader Impressions
I very much like that this didn’t go anywhere where I thought it would!! I was thinking all manner of evil things about to happen to the narrator, and you let nothing slip until the mention of the revered chocolate *Smile*. But even then I wasn’t sure where the story would end up because the narrator is still showing signs of fear and we meet the old, witchy lady. The ending could still be fatal!

In such a tiny piece you have spun a story full of suspense, keeping the reader engaged until the end. Any lover of chocolate will probably understand the pull exerted upon the narrator, and you’ve made it clear why the chocolate is so special and why the narrator’s friend has raved about it. This story was written purposefully short, but you manage to give a wonderful amount of description; I can ‘see’ the cottage quite clearly and I can imagine the witchy woman and her chocolate.

I also thought that writing this piece in first person present was really clever; it heightened the emotions and suspense.


*Crown* Suggestions
I did have a couple of suggestions, with the biggest one being a possible alteration of the title. Now, I normally steer clear of that sort of suggestion but you’ve called this story Crooked House. That’s all fine, but the sign on the gate says “Crooked Cottage”. Semantics, maybe, but to me a house and a cottage are different and they felt like they were clashing here – especially if you’ve titled the story based on the cottage. Hope I’m making sense here, and maybe I’m just nit-picking; probably if you hadn’t used ‘crooked’ in both the title and the sign I wouldn’t really have noticed it.

“Do no knock. I will see you.” – I think you meant ‘not’ here instead of ‘no’

The woman’s description of the chocolate (physical and mystical) is well done; however, I’d like to have seen this complemented a little more by the narrator’s eating of said chocolate. The chocolate appears to promise anything you want, but we don’t get any real sense of this from the narrator. She understands, but what is she understanding? I think this needs to be fleshed out. Of course, a flash fiction piece is short but the narrator has overcome her fears and ignored her instinct for this chocolate, and we only get a couple of tiny sentences about what it’s like to eat. Even though the narrator wants to come back, her reaction just doesn’t seem to balance out the earlier part of the story; there’s no massive savouring of the taste, smell, colour etc etc. Basically, describe the sensations so well that everyone, after reading this story, heads off to get some of their own!


*Crown* Closing Comments
A great little story, full of suspense, and complete too (start, middle, finish; you didn’t leave us dangling with a story going nowhere). I think chocolate lovers would probably relate to the conquering of fear or anything else that might prevent getting one’s hand on the stuff just for a taste. Silky, sweet, magical? For me, that’s Lindt. Yum.


Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your writing!

Best wishes,
Osirantinous


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
132
132
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi DJF

Your port is full of very funny things! This time I’m reviewing "The Man of her Dreams" , again for House Stark in relation to "King's Landing updating " .


*Crown* Reader Impressions
When this first caught my eye, I thought it’d be told from a female point of view because of the title; a sort of wish list a girl might write about her future husband. It was quite a surprise to find it’s actually from the male point of view. Still a wish list of sorts since our narrator is outlining his plan to get himself a girlfriend.

I loved the total ‘I’m god’s gift to women’ attitude; it made me roll my eyes and half hope that the plans comes to reality. The latter because the diarist doesn’t come across as a complete twat! He’s a young man with big dreams, a tad idiotic, but the way he plans everything is quite endearing. He has faith in himself (and in the girl!). The humour (to him, of course, it’s all serious) is at a perfect level for the reader, and I especially loved how his ‘plans’ took off into the realm of being attractive to his prospective girlfriend’s mother! It was a trail of ‘what ifs’ that just kept spiralling ever larger. Priceless.

I must just admit here – I own the full DVD set of the original Battlestar Galactica. That might have been a tongue in cheek mention for you, but the original series was awesome back in the 80s!


*Crown* Suggestions
I have no qualms about how this ‘diary’ is written. Because it’s a diary it needs to be colloquial and rambling and full of odd pieces of syntax we might grumble about in a short story. The first person narrator is expected and so is the mix of past and present tense, as our young man tells his tale and predicts his future.

Nothing in the telling that is difficult to understand, apart from the very last sentence: don’t get your hopes up too high or anything. Because our narrator has cockily said he expects everything to turn out just as he has laid out (ie he’s going to have a girlfriend by Thursday), this final sentence makes it sound a little like the diary might have hopes that everything is going to go belly up. And that’s odd. Is it what you meant? If not, then I’d say the diary would end quite perfectly just with I can’t imagine it’ll be much different than what I’ve laid out.. That would be the ultimate in cockiness and simply cements everything else we read.


*Crown* Closing Comments
You have a wonderfully natural way of writing. This piece flows just like human thought, rambling and jumbled but perfectly understandable. The humour in it is just as natural; and there’s probably many a diary entry out there that bears close resemblance to this one. I would love to see the follow-up Thursday entry!!!

I very much liked this and think you have a knack for understated comedy.

Best wishes,
Osirantinous


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
133
133
Review of Ronnie and Larry  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi DJF

I found "Ronnie and Larry"  on the 'Read a Newbie' link today. Being partial to westerns, I took a peak and am now reviewing it for House Stark in association with "King's Landing updating " .


*Crown* Reader Impressions
This was one of the funniest items I've read here on WDC! I really don't know what I was expecting when I picked it up, even though it was classed as comedy, but it was brilliant. And it all came from the way the story was told - a ramble of random thoughts and vocal projections from a first person narrator. I think much of the humour would have been lost if your narrator had been third person. Ronnie was the perfect foil (calm, straight-up, serious even) and I could just imagine him wondering what he'd done to deserve such a comrade. His "I sincerely doubt it" response to Larry's question about being neighbours is laid back and perfect, but I'm sure we all hear Ronnie's 'other answer' - no way, no hell, not on this planet, hell will freeze first, etc etc.

I thought it was also very clever how you had a faint attraction thing going on, which was probably what Ronnie was worried about, and right at the end came the punch line - Larry was all about having a best friend! The story had a Brokeback Mountain feel to it, though one-sided, and I did wonder where it would end up. Larry's quip was a blind-side and quite a perfect end to his ramble; it was about the clearest thing he'd said through the whole trip!


*Crown* Suggestions & Technical Things
This story is told in such a colloquial manner that I'm not at all bothered that there are commas where I'd normally see full stops, and sentences that seem to combine two or three into one long ramble. These things help give the story character, and help display Larry's character. He really can't 'shut the F up'!! But there's two things I will mention because they disrupted my reading flow.

"What?" Ronnie would often say. - This particular 'what?' is answering a specific question, so the 'would often say' didn't feel like it matched here. There is no 'often' to be seen, if that makes sense. I think you just need to add 'that' to the end. It,to me at least, makes it seem more like a thought of Larry's than a direct connect (like a speech tag) to 'what?'

pretty nasty spill and my leg pretty bad - the double 'pretty' was quite jarring. Yes, it is keeping in line with Larry's babbling type of speech but it still stands out to the reader. I would suggest either getting rid of the first iteration entirely or swapping it out for another adjective. The second placement works as the focus is on the leg and what might result from 'pretty bad' damage (and Larry's imagination running off into wedding territory is a hoot. I almost get the feeling that if his leg had been broken Ronnie just might have shot him like he would a horse!)


*Crown* Closing Comments
You certainly know how to write comedy. I really liked this piece; it was easy to read and understand, understated (Ronnie's long-suffering, stoic reactions), and very funny. Larry sounds like he'd be a solid friend, if he didn't drive you to throw him over a cliff with his philosophizing babble!


I hope you keep writing more gems like this.

Best wishes,
Osirantinous


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
134
134
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi beetle

Thank you for participating in the recent round of "A Romance Contest" . I'm reviewing your entry, "Winter Wonderlands" , in my role as one of the judges.


The Prompt
Despite the statement right above the start of the story that you were writing to the ‘experience snow for the first time’ prompt, the opening lines made me think of the ‘character hates winter’ prompt, because “This… is Hell” was the most perfect opening for that prompt. It is, of course, perfect for your chosen prompt too because one must remember that experiencing snow for the first time is not always a joy!

However, besides this comment, there’s not really a lot on how Robert is experiencing the snow. The main POV for this story is Ryland’s so we only get Robert’s reactions through him. Robert says he’s never had snow on him but we don’t get any real detail of what it’s like for him, not even anything about how the snowflakes are sticking in his hair and eyebrows. It’s not often I’ll say this, because strong dialogue can make a story, but there’s almost too much talking and not enough describing/showing. As well as that, the story seems to follow that second prompt you mentioned far more strongly.


The Plot
A very simple plot – lovers watching the giant tree in the Rockefeller Center being lit for Christmas. At least, that’s why Ryland and Robert are out in the freezing night but they are more focused on bantering with each other. Even though this is a little story we get the full arc of start, middle end: from Robert’s exclaiming about Hell, to finding out why and what can be done about the inexperience with snow; with Ryland dreaming of taking Robert to all the Winter Wonderlands he grew up with (perfect link to title!) and then changing his plans and thinking about Robert’s more-desired warmer climes.

The ‘red-headed stepchild’ comment threw me a bit at the end – if it doesn’t relate to Robert’s auburn hair then it quite stands out! And I would almost, almost say the ending would be better without those pieces of dialogue (though the Rudolph comment is still apt and Robert’s reaction is expected). I think I’m just feeling they’re not very romantic and are quite out of character for what we’ve seen of the two prior, even if it’s just a joke.


The Characters
I’ve read a number of your stories now and you write amazing characters. Ryland and Robert are two more, and we learn so much about them in such a small space. You have a knack for wonderfully colloquial and realistic dialogue, which reveals as much about the characters as descriptions do. Even if I said above there seemed too much dialogue, if you’d have given Robert’s verbal reactions to the snow I’d have been a happy camper. Ryland seems the dominant partner but Robert gives as good as he gets, and he’s the funny one; I think his verbal responses re the snow would have been great. And if Ryland is out to tease him (which seems likely), he’d have been given ample ammo to do so.


The Technical Things
Bar the first mention of Ryland James and a couple of mentions by Robert, you call him James. Now, it’s quite often a character will be called by their surname, but you didn’t do that with Robert, so I think you tripped up here?

This isn’t really a ‘technical’ thing, but I felt the number of pretty endearments Ryland used was quite overpowering – dearest, petal, darling, beautiful petal. I guess I’m just staid in preferring ‘older’ endearments like honey, my love, and the occasional babe. I almost started feeling insulted for Robert that he was having girly endearments issued at him. Yes, right, girly – and yet being a girl I’d not enjoy them myself. So this is totally just my opinion but it did distract my reading and make me wince each time. I did like Rudolph – that felt more real and obviously described the state of poor Robert’s nose. It felt more friendly and more intimate; the sort of thing a lover could say to his beloved as a witty thing and an endearment.

For he is, in fact, more than fond of Robert, he. . . .
…neither noticed when the crowd cheers the event they'd all gathered here to see. – you’ve swapped to present tense in both of these sentences, while everything else is past tense.


Overall Impressions
It might not seem so but I liked this story. I would have loved it to be longer but I guess you can only watch a tree lighting for so long *Smile*. I clearly had issues with how the story followed the prompt but the story, on its own, still remained lovely. I really like how you always allow your characters to feel and project their love naturally and without fear. Ryland’s calm ‘Happy Christmas’ held more love, I thought, than anything else he’d said and I ended my reading feeling very pleased. Romance, to me, is all about a happy ending and you delivered that.

Thank you so much for entering "A Romance Contest" , and we hope you come back again! And - if you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous
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Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi TowardTheFear

I'm reviewing "My Brother's Laptop"  today as part of the judging for November's round of "The LGBT Writing Contest - now judging" . Do note that the thoughts, suggestions and other bits and pieces are my own, one reader among many, so use this review in whichever way you need.


The Prompt
You chose the Laptop prompt, and incorporated it perfectly into your plot. I liked that it wasn't simply a device that your character was using, but something that revealed memory, history and revelation. And your comments about the laptop being archaic and barely starting up brought back fond memories of my old Toshiba Satellite (though light silver) which took a half hour at least to start up at the end of its life. It only had 500MB of RAM. I loved it though.


The Plot
When I first saw the laptop prompt I must admit I didn't think anyone would choose it. After all, how do you weave a story around such an item? Well, now I know, and I really love how you wove the laptop into the plot, how it became the mechanism for uniting (albeit, with a truckload of grief and questions) two brothers.

Walt and Greg's relationship is probably no different to most brothers (or sisters, for that matter) and readers wouldn't really turn a hair about it. However... once we see the photo and start putting two and two together, Walt's attitude and actions start making a lot more sense. It's a sad indictment on our society that people feel compelled to hide their real self, even from family. (And those remembered words of Walt’s are imbued with that challenging, whatya-gonna-do-about-it? tone a bully would use to cover up.)

The plot is very emotion-based, and all of it was very easy to understand – even Greg and Walt’s mum blaming the girlfriend for Walt’s death. Without any other knowledge, what else could the mother think? I am sure a lot of readers will fully understand that complicated feeling of happiness of knowing with the grief of knowing too late. You can’t do anything about it but you will always go back into the past and question why you didn't see something coming or why you didn’t do this or that. Almost a survivor’s guilt, and though Greg was in the dark, it would come as no surprise if he felt this way in some form.

However, I feel you missed a great opportunity to really tug on the reader’s heartstrings. This contest allows up to 3000 words and your story only covered half of that limit. Those final silent questions of Greg’s are powerful and heart wrenching, but you could have made them even stronger by tying them into other memories, by having Greg try to answer them himself or even by having Greg talk to Billy about it. I would really love to read an expanded version…. Hint, hint, hint.

By the way, I am presuming that Greg and Billy are an item. Besides ‘date’ and ‘babe’ there’s actually no way to tell. If your characters were female I’d simply presume this was chat among friends who use that language without attaching any deeper meaning to it. You don’t have to go all out and be in the reader’s face about it but something as simple as “Hey!” My boyfriend, and just that moment I remembered we had a date….

Just want to mention some lines I really liked:

"No," I didn't know what I was looking at. – I love that this line displays Greg’s utter confusion at what he’s seeing. He knows it’s his brother but whaaaat? It ties in perfectly with the analogy of the pine tree in the desert.

She held the laptop as if it was precious simply for having been my brother's. – this is so true of what we do with things belonging to those we’ve lost. It might be trash but because it was once our loved one’s then it’s gold to us. And the line a bit further down regarding the flag really strengthens that sense.

The family was frozen, silent, no one looking at anyone else while Bing Crosby continued to croon. – beautifully visual scene.

My brother in the arms of this American hero. – not sure Walt would appreciate me saying this, but this is really sweet. I wonder if you could change ‘this’ to ‘his’????

I had as many questions as tears. – explains Greg’s thoughts with great clarity (and I’ve already mentioned that the questions are really neat.)

I wanted to know him. I wanted to talk to this smiling man, content in Sergeant Ruiz's arms. But I never would. – this would have been a great ending to the story, if you’d wanted to leave the reader hanging. Totally glad you didn’t as it gave me a chance to hold back the sniffles and read on! This is part of that feeling you’ve described above – the knowing and the lateness of knowing. It goes hand in hand with ‘how do I cope with this?’ The reader is happy for Walt, but also distressed about his life and loss, and also happy for Greg and distressed about the fact he’ll never have answers for his questions, never know the side of his brother that his brother kept hidden.


Suggestions
As I said above, you have a story which is highly emotional and which I think you can make even more so. There’s nothing truly wrong with the sections below but they are a couple of places where I think you can tighten up the reader’s heartstrings even further.

My brother committed suicide last June. He hung himself. – a real kick-in-the-gut line here between the other two paragraphs, but make it more so by joining the two sentences: My brother hanged himself last June. (By the way, I’ve changed that verb because I was always told ‘pictures are hung, men are hanged’.

The attack happened in late May. My brother committed suicide a week later. – How about something like: The attack happened in late May, and my brother killed himself a week later. I’ve changed ‘committed suicide’ here because even though it comes a decent time after the first telling, it’s such a strong group it feels like an immediate repeat. Also – for me at least – ‘killed himself’ is a lot more hard-hitting, carries more grief, seems to carry more questions. Walt seems the sort of person who would ‘kill himself’ rather than ‘commit suicide’, if that makes sense??


The Technical Things
This is where I mention things that disrupted my reading flow, or little grammar niggles I just can’t go passed.

One, eyes closed, peaceful, his blond head nuzzled in the other man's chest and neck, his arms wrapped around the other. – when you read this alone, it doesn’t really make sense. The descriptions give the reader a lovely image, but the sentence itself is disjointed. Try to pull it together a bit more – something like The blonde nuzzled his head against the other’s chest, eyes closed, arms wrapped tight. You don’t need to mention ‘the other’ because that’s apparent. And I've left out 'peaceful' only because the scene describes the peace. I don't know that you need to state it too.

He held the first man tight, kissing the top of his head while looking sideways with dark, almost mischievous eyes at the camera held with his outstretched arm. – I can totally ‘see’ the position of the two men but again it’s a bit wordy. I’m usually guilty of this too, trying to account for all limbs etc, but we don’t have to spell everything out. I have two suggestions. 1. Replace ‘the first man tight’ with ‘his partner’. Partner, here, doesn’t have to have any relationship/sexual meaning, it’s just another way of saying ‘the first man’ in a less awkward manner. 2. Replace ‘held with his outstretched arm’ with ‘positioned in his outstretched hand.’ Mostly because you can’t ‘hold’ something with an arm, but also because this sentence has two ‘held’s and that repeat is a bit awkward.

"No! You, it's like, it's like your not there. …” – I really liked Mary’s dialogue. It’s totally fractured just as if she can’t get her thoughts together to spit things out with good grammar. It’s a great way of showing emotion! I’ve got this line here because ‘your’ should be ‘you’re’.

Walt didn't even seem fazed by it. – change ‘it’ to ‘the breakup’ because you’ve jumped passed the telling of the breakup and ‘it’ might lead readers to go ‘it what?’

In the picture, Walt was wearing a tan military undershirt. – immediately before this line you’re back in the past with the chess game. You need to re-establish the present again. A way to do that might be to add something like I refocused on the picture; Walt wore a tan military undershirt. (with ‘wore’ making the wording a little more active).

Looking for my shoes, "I'll be over in a minute." – is there supposed to be something else after ‘shoes’? It seems to end a little as if you’ve missed off a ‘I told Billy…'

I hung up my cell. – does one ‘hang up’ a cell phone these days? I usually say ‘I closed my phone’ but of course that only works with those you flip open!


Overall Impressions
I really liked this story. I’ve mentioned a couple of times that I thought you could have fleshed out the emotions more but even as it stands now it’s a sad read. Love and loss often go hand in hand and you’ve portrayed that relationship quite nicely here. I easily felt Greg’s shock and grief, and felt all emotional over the American hero, Ruiz, and how his death just may have caused Walt’s. Love is a very powerful emotion and the price to pay for having it is sometimes very high.

I do like that you brought humour to the story – about the laptop itself and how Greg pretends he’s not crying. Who among us hasn’t used that line or ‘it’s just allergies’ to hide the fact we’re bawling? Why is that humorous? Simply because it’s such a cliché in life these days. And it's a bit ironic of Greg to hide his feelings from Billy, when he's just been upset at Walt doing pretty much the same thing.

Anyway, I liked "My Brother's Laptop"  and I appreciate you entering it into "The LGBT Writing Contest - now judging" . 1000 GPs are attached as a further ‘thank you’ for entering, and I hope you do so again. If Greg and Billy are a ‘new’ item, perhaps you could enter them for December’s prompt 2???

Last thing - if you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch!

Kindest regards,
Osirantinous

PS: an extra 1000 GPs from me too.

Tome of Artistry Membership


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Untitled  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Mr. Bean

When I look over the "Please Review"  page, I'm often after a title or a description that catches my eye and all but forces me to select the item to read. Your title and description told me very little about your story, but the description got my attention anyway. It is supremely gutsy to finally put a story onto paper and then to throw it out to the public. I hope you felt a massive sense of relief once you'd done so, and are busily writing up more stories to share.

Let no one tell you that you can't write, but also make total use of each and every review and email/comment you receive (even those that might be negative). To this end, I hope the following review of "Untitled"  is helpful to you. It's all just my opinion so do with it what you will.


Reader Impressions
When you started off with the introductory blurb, I found it a little difficult to move from that 'reality' to the fiction below. In fact, I spent a lot of the time wondering if the blurb was part of the story, or the story more non-fiction than fiction. To that end, I'd actually suggest you put the introduction into your Bio (in your portfolio) and let the story stand straight out, without introduction or reason.

Overall, this is a rather creepy little story that was nicely matched by the cold autumn night during which this tale is told. You labelled this as a suspense/thriller and I thought it worked well within this genre - the creeping lights approaching the house (with obvious mal-intent), the past horror that occurred, and also the fact that someone was up in the room watching that approach. The feeling of being watched has got to be the most scary feeling ever, even if the watcher is the narrator!

It's well written too, so I don't think you have anything to worry about there. There's probably the odd comma issue but since I sort of ignore comma issues myself I won't pick them out for you! I had no problems with the general flow of the story nor with any ability to understand what you'd written.


Strengths
Though part of me wanted more information - such as a clearer idea of what happened to Amy (did she just get lost in the woods, was she abducted etc) - another part of me liked that you didn't give that information. In short, you made the story suspenseful and you gave me enough little strands that I could try to come up with these answers myself. Including discovering why the brother is hiding up in the room - is he seeking revenge, is he actually a ghost (not entirely sure where that came from but it did cross my mind) etc. It's a fine line between making the reader think about the story and making the reader exhausted with the thinking; however, you've done a nice job of doing the former.

This is a tiny story, but you've packed in so many visuals that it feels much bigger. By that I mean that I could visualise quite clearly the woods, the fence, Amy, even the playing out in the woods. Any writer who can create a 3D world in which I can view the story gets my tick! Your use of a first person narrator also pulls a reader in, and I think first person is absolutely perfect for any suspense/horror type of story.

I've a feeling the story is truly untitled, but I think that works as a title in its own right. It adds mystery and suspense, and almost a sense of 'if I give it a real title then it becomes too real'. This is the kind of story we'd hope like heck was only fiction.

It is there I can see the lights peek out from behind trunks and dance their way to hide behind another. - I love this line. It is very visual but also slightly disturbing. The peeking and dancing imply kids having fun, playing games but there's nothing fun about these lights.

Amy, a memory bouncing where nothing but a broken, metal frame remains. - As with the above sentence, you've combined nice and not nice together, and it's really powerful here. The ruins of the trampoline itself lend to the scary side of the story, and I think any reader could easily visualise the narrator's memory of his sister on a trampoline and then that trampoline slowly turning into the wreck it is, even as Amy is still there smiling and bouncing. (I would suggest here that the second comma is removed as it's not required.)

I lost almost every time, after all, is that not what big brothers are for? - a very simple sentence but one that easily shows the love the narrator had for his sister.


Suggestions
This might not be an easy thing to do, but I wondered if you could put a time-frame within the story. I could tell that there'd been some years between Amy's obvious disappearance/death but since I presumed the three men just slithering in the gate are the same three responsible for what happened to Amy, I thought that not too many years have gone by or else there'd be some difficulties with the age of the characters. The house is obviously abandoned so that adds to the 'years', but just how many have gone by?

Another question I have is, why are the men coming back? If the house is abandoned (and clearly is so) why would they be back? Quite aside from me saying above that it's good to leave out some 'facts', this one I think you need to add in; even if it is something so simple as 'to finish what they started' or 'to relieve the house of the final ornaments'. Time has passed yet the men have come back, and somehow the brother is there waiting (actually it's probably that fact that made me wonder if he was a ghost!); the suspense gives way to a giant WHY?

I again hear laughs, but these laughs are not of my darling sister. Her blonde pigtails and red ribbons are many years removed, these are deep foreboding laughs and they are coming in my direction. - I like these sentences but I think they need a slight change because your main topic is the laughter and so the physical description of Amy feels a little out of place (even though it's wonderful). I'm not saying remove it, but rather something like this: I again hear laughter, but these laughs are not of my darling sister; her blonde pigtails and red ribbons are many years removed. These are deep foreboding laughs and they are coming in my direction.

It was that very same gate that the three men just slithered through into my family’s former backyard. - this last paragraph is back in the 'present' again, so I think the 'it was' should be 'it is', since the rest of the story is told in the present tense.


Closing Comments
Mr Bean, if this is your first story, then I don't believe you've got anything to worry about in the future. It's a great little piece, full of strong description and staying true to the genre. I had questions, yes, but that's probably just me being nit-picky.

I look forward to reading many more of your stories, and welcome you to a long happy writing life here on Writing.com. And if you have any queries about this review, please don't hesitate to send me an email.

Best wishes,
Osirantinous

Tome of Artistry Membership


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of the string  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi kristoff N. chester

Thank you for requesting a review of "the string"  from me. Apologies that it has taken me a while to get to! I hope you find it useful and I encourage you to get back to me if I've said something that doesn't make sense or that you want to clarify yourself.

Before I get onto the review, have you considered entering the horror genre contest "Invalid Item" . It's only for works of 1000 words or less but I note that you are a horror writer, and might be up for the challenge.


Reader Impressions
As a dabbler in horror myself, I prefer the creepy, spine-tingling psychological sort over the out-and-out gory type of horror story. So The String was just the sort of story to my liking - mysterious, suspenseful, psychological; making me glad I didn't read it at night. Yep, my imagination would have got the better of me and I'd have started feeling threads where there aren't any.

Your opening paragraphs totally threw me off the scent, by the way, and when tied with the genres of 'other' and 'dark' I wasn't sure what I was getting into. I really did start off thinking this was a sort of autobiographical work, especially since you talked about the two poems with the appropriate Chinese titles and gave us some basic facts about China itself. It wasn't until I came to the fifth paragraph where you (and the reader) meet the slightly odd playwright that I finally twigged that this was fiction. I was rather glad, actually, because I didn't really want to read a 'dark' story that had true first-hand narration. *Smile* (By the way, I'm not saying you should change anything here! The puzzlement was my own fault for not looking at your Port first.)

Overall, this was a nice piece of horror which contained macro and micro horror. By that I mean, we had the overall (macro) sense of the god controlling humans, taking away their free will, combined with the fact that hundreds of men and women before our narrator had faced the same fate; and the closer-to-home (micro) sense with the the point of view of the narrator. Having the narrator be first-person brought the reader right into the story, as if was they (me) who was drawn inexplicably up that mountain with a sense of 'doing what's right' but finding out that I'm being directed in every move I make with no possibility of escape. There is the added horror of feeling that I'd managed to escape (For a moment I allowed myself to feel slight comfort.), before realising there is no such thing as escape.


Strengths
Besides being a really nice little story, I think there are three main strengths to it.

1. You drew the reader in by making them part of the story through your first person narrator. The reader experiences the intrigue, the puzzlement, the absolute need to get up that mountain, the fear, the panic, and that final sense of despair. And When, by what I hope was only chance, I came across a name, that stuck out ever so sorely. is a really nice way of the reader going 'um... what's going on here? What 'chance'?' It makes the reader suddenly start to get a little nervous.

2. As the bones of a short story goes, you gave me everything I needed to feel satisfied - a beginning, a middle and an end. The beginning gives the reader a false sense that everything is okay, the middle turns up the nerves with every step up the mountain, and the ending packs something of a punch - in two ways. Firstly, the dog tells a tale that almost convinces the narrator that her entrapment is a tragedy and she should be set free (a perfect example of her pulling the strings!). Secondly, that it ties in with your title and the entire theme of the story - being a physical puppet with that silk string attach that cannot be removed. I did wonder what might happen next but I'm not sure you could ever write that into the story; best to leave that up to the reader's imagination.

3. You've brought in myth and folklore. Even if it is made-up you've written it so well that it feels real, as if the myth exists and you've decided to bring it into the modern world with your own take. By the way, I say made-up because I wanted to read up on the myth myself but couldn't find anything regarding either poem or the god of puppets in Chinese folklore (*Sad*; besides an article from Hawaii's East-West Center Gallery that mentions that man being on a string like a puppet is a very old metaphor. (This gallery held an exhibition on Chinese puppets for the first half of this year.)) I was so intrigued, I asked my Chinese workmate if she'd heard of the poems or myths. She hadn't. Of course, this doesn't mean to say they don't exist (feel free to prove me wrong here). There's actually a point to this ramble. If you're using established/known myth or folklore, make sure you know it from every angle so that someone doesn't niggle at you for inaccuracies. And if things are totally made up, write them like they're fact/myth so that we believe!. Create something that your readers wish was real. I think you've done a fine job of that here.

A couple of parts I really liked:

Something was atop this mountain and I had to see it with my own eyes.- perfect example of the age-old curiosity of mankind, but with a darker twist here since our narrator is beginning to wonder if it's not all his own doing. Also thought this sentence had a really nice feel to the way it is read.

Time had pummeled the place - pummeled is quite a violent word, and it works perfectly here in describing what time has done to the temple. Though you go on to describe some of the pummeled features, the word itself brings forth such imagery without actually having to describe.

I had time only to scream once as I was pulled up into the air, being towed along by Amosia, the god of puppets. - I really like this closing line. Total despair, total knowledge that the entire trip wasn't out of free-will, total control by the gods. As endings go, I thought it one of the better I've read in quite some time.


Suggestions
First person narratives are my own writing preference, but those of us who live for it have to sort out the ever-present I. Too many is disruptive to the reader, and in fact stories often start to read like a bullet-point list rather than a narrative. I'd recommend you work through the story and remove redundant Is and turn other sentences around so that at least I doesn't start the sentence. A couple of suggestions are listed below to show what I mean here:

The trip took longer then I planned. - the I isn't needed here since it's unlikely anyone else planned the trip.

I walked on even has I recounted more of the supernatural lore and tales of mysticism. - several ways you could reorder this to avoid starting with the I. Walking on, I recounted.... or As I walked on, I recounted... or even a total reword, and linking with the next sentence: Supernatural lore and tales of mysticism flashed continuously through my mind, making me wish to turn back...

I sought him out, an elderly ecstatic man. - in the previous sentence the narrator has discovered the playwright. So this 'sought him out' seems kind of secondary. You probably mean that the narrator discovered that there was a man to go and see, rather than he physically discovered him somewhere in town. My suggestion would be to remove at least the first part of this sentence completely, keeping the 'elderly ecstatic man (perhaps as When I met the elderly ecstatic man he was dressed in a suit....). Second query about the ecstatic nature of the man - how did you know? Perhaps describe the flamboyance a little more. How is he flamboyant? Is it just the suit or the red blush making him look this way, or did he act it? If it's the latter then the stiff moving arms and the flat lips kind of don't match with acted flamboyancy.

Inside it was dark, but in the blackness I heard the shuffle of feet. - quite aside from a repetition that the inside of the temple was dark, I think you've missed an opportunity to describe the dark. Blackness is nice, but is it thick or heavy? Is it a total pitch-black dark, or could objects be made out? Did it seem to be sucking into the narrator's lungs? Use the darkness to heighten the fear and panic.


The Technical Side
This where I talk about grammar when it's bugged me to the point that I have to mention it, or anything else that has stopped my reading flow.

My trail came to a climax with the discovery of a play write whom was seeking to produce a play after the legend. - playwright, rather than play write. And I think 'whom' is not the word you're after here. 'Who' works better, and you could make the sentence a little more active in feeling by using 'who sought' rather than 'who was seeking'.

The trip itself was uncomfortable, along with the tedious run around of airport security I was haunted with unsettling dreams. In which I beheld burning ruins and humans dancing. - in a couple of places you mix and match punctuation to add sentences that don't really need to be added together and to cut others off where they should be added. This pair of sentences is an example. I think it would be better with a full stop after 'uncomfortable'. Start the next with 'Along', but after 'dreams' remove the full stop. 'In which' is a connecting set of words not a beginning set. Something like this: The trip was uncomfortable. Along with the tedious run around of airport security, I was haunted with unsettling dreams in which I beheld burning ruins and humans dancing. (And remove 'itself' as that's a bit redundant here. To me the trip can only be itself so it doesn't need to be said.)

Had the monster in the poem, not been called a puppeteer? - no comma here. And I know why you've gone for the 'had not' arrangement of words (which I like) but the ordering feels a little bit unusual, and I had to read this a couple of times to make sense. I would expect to see (and remember this is just me) something more like Had not the monster been called a puppeteer in the poem? (or In the poem, had not the monster been called a puppeteer?) Basically... don't split the 'had' and 'not'.

There was more proof of this has I went. - you've used 'has' for almost every time you meant 'as'. Since this is obviously a word in its own right it will never come up in a spell-check. However, it should pop up in a grammar check. I tend to not use those, but reading slowly out loud will generally always point out where you might have used the wrong word.

The figure reached out to me and waited with it's hand out. - it's is a contraction of 'it is', not a pronouncement of possession, so you don't need an apostrophe here. I'd also like to see another way of calling this black-clad figure. 'The figure' came across much like the use of 'I' that I mentioned above.

Covered in scales with small horns at the end of it's nose and glowing eyes. - a sentence without a subject, so it reads incomplete. You could easily attached this to the next sentence as another way to describe the monster as it rises into the sky, or you could add in the subject. Something as simple as Covered in scales, the monster had small horns at the end of its nose and glowing eyes. But also, really describe this monster. What colour are the glowing eyes? Is it still purple (as the dog was)? This is your opportunity to really freak the reader out.

I looked down and shuttered in fear - shuddered, rather than shuttered here.


Closing Comments
I really liked this story. Your narrator played the perfect part of an unsuspecting puppet, thinking that much of the journey was made with free-will, thinking he had made an escape. The overarching feeling of having the gods act as puppeteers makes a body very uncomfortable, which makes for a really nice spine-tingling, psychological sort of dark/horror. There are certainly some things to tidy up but overall, this is a great story and I am in fact looking forward to reading more of your stories. And certainly to see if I can discover why many of your log-lines talking about being beyond the sight of man!

Thank you once again for requesting the review; I hope that it helps you and encourages you to keep going. And, as I said at the beginning, don't hesitate to contact me if you need any clarification regarding my comments.

Best wishes,
Osirantinous

Tome of Artistry Membership

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138
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Dear Ben Crawford

Thank you for asking me to review "Unbound Words: Chapter 1 - Kenton the Ne" . I'm flattered you asked and I hope this review matches up with what you might be expecting. Since you didn't give me any specifics, I'm doing a general 'everything' review. Do get back to me if you have any queries.


*Sun* General Comments & Reader Reaction
Right from the title of this book (Unbound Words), you had my interest. The title is intriguing and the first line, in fact, really plays into the title. The jiggling carriage is at fault but Kenton also can't control the pen on paper to get his letter written, and he can't control his own words. To start with "Damn it to hell!" was clever. It opened my eyes straight away and pen murdered yet another page is extremely visual, and emphases Kenton's annoyance. You started straight in with action, gave us a character and a location and zipped into a little bit of background that explained why Kenton was suffering a bumpy carriage ride.

I think that the background coming in the form of a letter was nicely done; it felt like I was reading the letter rather than just being given a history lesson. Backstory is so important but it can drag down a plot if it receives too much focus. This letter and, in fact, the later one both provide that backstory in an economical, reasonable and believable way. Your reader isn't likely to glaze over and skip ahead.

My major disappointment came when I saw that you've only got the one chapter up! Please tell me you've got more waiting in the background, especially since you ended this one on such an intriguing warning! I love that you've got a totally inexperienced youngster mingling with old-timers on the magic front, trying to sort out the inner politics that will probably take him ages to sort all the while wondering who to trust and who to stay away from! There's plenty of stories out there with magic groups and battles, but this seemed a fresh idea to me, and I really look forward to seeing where you take it.

As an opening chapter, I think it does exactly what it needs to - introduces the plot, the cast, the location and enough background so the reader won't feel like they've been dropped in the middle of something. And you've given us a start, middle and end, so that it stands in its own right as a story. I think a lot of people forget that chapters are stories in themselves. Whether you were conscious of it or not as you wrote, you followed this 'rule' nicely.


*Screw*The Story's Nuts and Bolts

Plot & Pace
The plot is a fairly basic one to understand - a young 'mancer is coming to take up a new position at a prestigious school, which has five tenured practitioners with strong personalities and a whole bunch of raveled politics. Disagreeable weather has meant our protagonist is on the back-foot when he reaches the city and hasn't had time to rest. He is thrust immediately into his first council and has to cope with his five fellows with only an anonymous letter to guide him.

The action tumbles over like the wheels of the carriage, and Kenton barely gets a chance to breathe. The delay in travelling forces all the action together and means a hot pace. And that is perfect for this chapter. Kenton is new to the city and its intrigues. I think allowing him to have an overnight in the city before the council would have watered down the pace too much, would have removed the spice from the letter and the whirlwind meeting of the other characters. Kenton has to think on his feet and everything in this chapter keeps him doing that. Importantly, the reader is not bored.

Characters
You've done well to wrangle six characters here, especially since they are strong and bolshie in their own right. But be careful to keep them under control or readers could start to wonder who the protagonist is. Right now, your point of view is Kenton's. My advice is to keep it that way as much as possible - unless, of course, you aim to have a chapter dedicated to each of the masters.

One thing you need to get a grip on with your cast is their names. You've got Blyth and Blythe, and Tarsus and Tarsis. The names you've chosen are wonderful (as are the names for your city and buildings etc) but you've got to get them right. Readers will pick up discrepancies here quicker than with anything else.

I liked how you gave a character analysis in the anonymous letter, and matched it to the characters as you introduced them. It was also nice to see the little physical descriptors you gave as we met the characters and, let's be honest, one of the best lines is Torin's "Somewhere between the whore throwing herself at Kenton and the short one insulting me," Descriptive of his fellow masters but also making clear his own feelings.

Having said that, I would like to have seen a little more action from the characters, rather than just have them speak their lines (often with a smile or look). You have so many characters speaking that 'he said' becomes a little tiresome. You do need to indicate who is speaking but you can do that with an action. Let me use my favourite line: "Somewhere between the whore throwing herself at Kenton and the short one insulting me," he said, pulling an apple out of his robes. How about something like: Torin pulled an apple from his robe, and shrugged. "Somewhere between the whore throwing herself at you and the short one insulting me." By the way, I've put 'you' here because Torin is actually answering Kenton's question and to use his first name here doesn't work.

Setting & Imagery
I'm one of those readers who reads visually. I like to see what I'm reading - so the more description you can provide, the happier I am. I liked what you had but I thought you missed the opportunity to really draw me in, especially in the city.

He saw houses, upscale inns, and a few high class shops. They must have entered the upper quarters of the city. As he was admiring the buildings,... - this is pretty much it for the city. I know Kenton's had the curtains closed but this is too minimal for me. Give me some particular sights and sounds, or at the very least tell me what some of the 'high class shops' are. What does 'high class' even mean here?

Likewise with the Archium (very cool name, by the way). You give two sentences to the external structure and then go into more detail with the flowers. That seems a bit odd. I would have thought seeing the Archium the first time would take Kenton's attention a lot more. You don't have to put everything down the first time because that would be overload, but give us enough to visualise the edifice and pop in bits and pieces later as they catch Kenton's eye.

The carriage. I am somewhat confused by the size of this vehicle, since Kenton occupies the interior with several trunks, one of which takes up a seat. How many seats does it have? Is Kenton forced to sit on the floor? Why aren't the trunks on the back, or partly on the roof (though I know you've got 'light holes' in the roof)? And just watch that use of 'buckboard'. I immediately thought of a wagon from a western. If you mean driver's seat, just say it that way for sense.

The magic. I really liked the way you explained/showed the kinetomancy at work, and added the magical lacing to both the letter and the doors of the circular room. Without those, we wouldn't really remember we were in a magical world so it's timely to have the magic pop up now and then.

The anonymous letter. The letter itself was great, though I thought the I bet you have no idea of what they are truly like. almost too colloquial. But I'm mentioning it here because I was trying to 'see' the letter and got myself confused over the description of the parchment and the magic/seal. Is the letter in an envelope, and does the magic lacing cover the seal on the envelope? Or, is the letter just folded and the seal is over the fold? If neither of these things, then what is the point of the magic lacing if the letter is open for viewing straight off? So, basically, what I'm saying is can you make it clear what format the letter shows up in?

Structure & Consistency
Mostly I use this heading when I'm reviewing multiple chapters for a story. Since I'm hoping you'll put more chapters up that I can read, I'm keeping it here. Aside from the current slight issue with the multiple spellings of names, I thought everything else was consistent. Your characters didn't act out of character, they didn't change hair colour or clothes part way through. We're usually on the ball with these things but often we are only dealing with one or two people. You've got six so you'll need to be careful they don't trick you into changing them or mixing them up.

Three bits popped out that didn't match.

1: He quickly picked up all the wasted paper and put them in one of his trunks. and He saw the pile of ruined letters and knew it might be a while before he could finish the job. The first is just before he applies is kinetomancy, the second is after he's read the anonymous letter. Are the ruined letters packed away or not?

2: "Thank you, " said Kenton as he exited the carriage. and As Kenton exited the carriage and did a few stretches... These are two paragraphs apart.

3: "Yes, but it was a near thing; I just arrived myself for the meeting; shall we walk together?"
"Lead the way."
Blyth walked up the covered stairs of the Archium, and Kenton followed closely behind. This is me nit-picking but when one says 'walk together' I don't expect one to be trailing, even if Kenton has told him to 'lead the way'. I'd read that as a figure of speech, not literally.


*Notepad* Writing Style & Grammar
Despite what is below in Things to Work On, your writing is fairly easy to read and understand. You've done a great job at getting this chapter to flow seamlessly through the various actions and keeping those actions in control. We have suspense, we have funny moments, we have backstory and it all melds together quite nicely.

And I'm one of those readers who appreciate you didn't go overboard with flowery text. I'm a sparse user of metaphors and similes myself and very much liked the fact your story kept a plain and simple face. Kenton seems very down-to-earth and I think the way the story is written complements that. Not that I'm going to be horrified if you do add in some floral language!

Favorite Lines
Well, I've already mentioned that I like Torin's answer to Kenton's "When did you come in?" as well as the opening "Damn it to hell!" They both perk up the story.

I also thought the driver's response to Kenton questioning why it'd take so long to get to the Archium was brilliant: "It's a crowded city, sir." I imagined the driver whisper 'duh!' to himself before he answered.

He let go of the remaining energy collected by the motion of his arms; it rose off him like mist rising from a lake. - this is actually a really nice image, oddly peaceful. I guess one might feel that way once they've had a clean.

Things to Work On
In my 'request a review' blurb I said that I'm not really a nit-picker of grammar. In most cases, this is true because everyone has their faults and quirks. There are a few grammar rules I refuse to follow *Smile* so I don't like to point the finger too much as others. I do my best to avoid being a 'do as I say, not as I do' sort of reviewer/writer.

However, as I read, there were three things that you did consistently enough to end up bugging me into mentioning them here.

1: the semi-colon. I don't believe I've ever seen it so often as in this chapter. You have 34; that may sound minimal in a 4800-odd word piece but it really is quite overwhelming. I think most of them could become full stops. There are plenty of grammar guides on the web and here on WDC, but ~A.J. Lyle~ 's Improving Your Editing Skills: A Pause for Punctuation Identification, Part II from "Invalid Entry"  provides a very quick guide.

2: long dialogue with a 'he said' right at the very end. An example is: "Torin does not attend every meeting; he only shows up to meetings where we decide very important issues; this meeting will be very light," said Eleanor. Quite aside from bearing two ; the reader almost runs out of breath with the dialogue. And reading through several sentences before we get to the 'said Eleanor' makes the 'said Eleanor' slightly pointless. We already know she's been saying it! Break it up: "Torin does not attend every meeting," said Eleanor. "He only shows up to meetings where we decide very important issues. This meeting will be very light."

3: lack of contractions. Now, this is me at my pickiest but I got very tired of reading I will, I am, he is, was not etc. Along with the passive could and a whole bunch of was I felt the story became stilted and rigid, almost like it had to maintain a stiff upper lip. I'm not saying use contractions every time, of course, but let there be more of them just to relax the story and to make it more comfortable for the reader. Here's an example: "If we had more time, I would give you a full tour, but there is no time to lose," said Blyth. Grammatically, no issue but Blyth doesn't sound very accommodating here with the stiffness of these words. Here's just one of may ways you can soften it: "If we had more time, I'd give you a full tour," said Blyth. 'But we've no time to lose." (I changed that last 'there is' to 'we've' because it matches the first sentence about whose time this is.)

I do have other suggestions so I'm going to send them in an email. I don't want you to see them here and worry. They're just things I think you could do to make this story even better than it is but it might seem a bit overwhelming in this review. And because they're my own opinion they don't need to be so baldly public.


*Sun* Conclusion
Ben, I liked this chapter and I can't wait to see where it goes and how Kenton copes with his new life. It seems to me that he might have to continuously fend off a certain Madame Lisadar and probably also Master Tarsus who seemed overly enthusiastic to have the young man join the club. And I want to see how their various forms of 'mancy come into play.

Please do let me know when you post further chapters. Even if you don't want me to review them, I still want to read them!

Many kind regards,
Os

Tome of Artistry Membership
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Review of The Wilted Mask  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Pen Name

When I saw that you had requested a poetry review from me I almost wondered if you meant to pick someone else, since poetry and I are not at all well acquainted *Smile*. However, I do like reading poetry and I'm quite happy to review "The Wilted Mask" , just bear in mind my lack of qualification (which means I'll come at this from a reader's point of view, not a poet's).


*FlowerR* Reader Impressions
When it comes to poetry, I am a big fan of free, unstructured verse. I admire the skill of poets who rhyme and fit to a type of poetry but prefer to read free. It feels like it comes right out of the heart. So, this poem connected with me straight away and I thought the opening sentence was a particularly intriguing one. It's visual but also highlights immediately that this poem is going to have emotional depth to it.

By the end of the first verse, that emotional depth is fully apparent; we're dealing with the death of a loved one and working through guilt and grief (that final sentence here is really strong).

Aside from the loss of a brother (well, I'm presuming a brother because of the final verse of the poem) we've also got the poet questioning their own existence, dealing with their own issues. I like that you've described this seeking 'answers' as a thirst, and it seems that the thirst is both the loss/grief and hope.

The use of the Rubicon meant something to me. This is the river of intent, that Julius Caesar crossed when he came to take control of Rome (with the famous saying alea jacta est (the die is cast; or something like that *Smile*). He'd crossed the point of no return and had made his intention clear. In this poem, the river is 'unseen'. Originally I was thinking - oh, right, the decision's made and there's no going back. But a re-read now has me think the opposite. This lost narrator hasn't made a decision, nothing is final, no dice have been cast; there are still two paths that can be followed. And that is why the river is 'unseen'.

Forgive me, I'm probably sounding like a nutter! The more I read into this poem the deeper I get with wells, hope (which spring eternal like a well), and other things. While you might be secretly deciding to never ask me to review again, I hope this does tell you that this poem has quite an emotional impact and it makes a person think.


*FlowerR* Tone and Mood
I would really hope that this was simply a poem that came to you rather than you writing from experience, because this is really quite heart-wrenching and speaks of a lot of suffering which no one should have to go through. Overall, the tone and mood are sad, with a strong mix of confusion and searching.

The last verse appears to be more upbeat - a light at the end of the tunnel so to speak. However, I was a little puzzled about the having a hand around the brother's neck. That seemed rather sinister, and a little out of place given it seemed we'd started out with a brother who had committed suicide. Or did I not read those opening lines correctly? It really looked like the narrator had been holding the brother under water (physically or metaphorically) for some reason; as if he's been hating him instead of appreciating/loving him.


*FlowerR* What I liked
The two-line verse regarding questions and answers was rather powerful; partly because of its size but also because if its very basic rendering; you've not invoked metaphors, similes or other flourishing poetic devices. And it links strongly to the special words from the first verse. Could that one answer have saved the person? Could saving the person then answer the narrator's questions. The verse had a sense of hopeless too since these answers will not be forthcoming.

The grief, confusion, loss, searching are all nicely strengthened by the words you use. For example: deep enduring craving, cornerstone of my foundation, unimaginable in its possession. And beyond that you talk of the massive universe, and that what the soul is craving is bigger even than those immeasurable things.

I also like that what this poem is about is not really explicit. I think you can see from my comments that I've been reading the poem in several different ways, and I really do think that it can be. But did you intend that? If you did, then the title work wonders too, as if you're still searching for it and also allowing readers to come up with their own!


*FlowerR* Punctuation and Grammar
It always feels a bit off to be correcting wording, grammar etc in poetry. Firstly because I think a poet has more prerogative to play around with words than a prose writer and secondly because I think punctuation rules can totally be disregarded.

However, there were a few things I wanted to mention here because they caused me a little bit of trouble in either understanding or in reading flow. And a few nitpicking grammar things which you are, of course, totally free to ignore.

There is a deep well | Who holds the clearest - I would tend to use 'that' here instead of 'who' unless you're meaning that the well is a person or animate sort of entity.

... I saw the crows | Feat and sunken eyes - I think you might mean 'feet' here?

If we could only have..... |... To you, I may have - you start off with the plural but end up with just I; making it seem like it's the I's fault. I think you need to have either 'we' for both or 'I' for both.

Some Shepard or must - Shepherd

The cold dark night to | Which Thomas spoke of. - I understand the meaning of this pair of lines but they are quite awkward to read. I would suggest changing the 'to' to 'of' and removing the final 'of' so that you have The cold dark night of | which Thomas spoke.

Foundation to which has no - remove the 'to'

The last hurdle that I must | Overcome is to only let - it took me a few passes to get this pair of lines. I think it's because I expect 'only to' rather than 'to only'

Watch it's. Unless it's a contraction of 'it is' you don't need the apostrophe.

I don't know if you would consider this or not, or even if it is allowed, but I'd only use capital letters at the beginning of each line if they start off a sentence (or if you want them capitalised for emphasis). You have a distinct lack of punctuation and as I was reading through the poem again I realised that lack and the capitals were throwing off some of my understanding.


*FlowerR* Closing Comments
I liked this poem; it was very heart-felt and both dark and light at the same time, filled with loss and with hope. It really made me think quite deeply about what was going on and what struggles the narrator was trying to work through.

I'm not sure what you expected from this review but I hope it has given you encouragement to keep writing and posting on this site. I would read more, so just let me know. But if I never hear from you again, that's okay too *Smile*.

And, lastly, if anything I've said needs clarification don't hesitate to ask for it!

Best wishes,
Osirantinous

Tome of Artistry Membership
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140
Review of The Story of Us  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi VickyRafaelChristensen

I found "The Story of Us"  under Read a Newbie that sits on the left-hand side of all WdC's pages, and your logline intrigued me. That and the names. I've always been partial to Rafael as a name. I also almost exclusively write male/male these days so anything like that intrigues me. So, that tiny explanation aside, I'd like to offer you a review.


Reader Impressions
Well, let me be honest here. Male/male, romance, angels, Hell, first person narration - my kinda thing so you can be pretty much assured I was going to like this tiny story no matter how it was written, and I want to keep reading. Rafael and Christensen are two VERY opposite people and it will be fun to see how they get along, whether the angel can cope with Rafael's blatant ogling, whether Rafael will ever take note of anything again that isn't Christensen!

Plot and characters aside, I did feel your writing was a tad haphazard. I do like the way the thoughts flow in both Rafael and Christensen's POV sections but there were sections that did disrupt my reading flow. Nothing that can't be changed, of course - and though I may suggest some here, do remember you're the author and it's your right to tell me to go to Hell (just as long as there's a 7-foot angel coming to get me out!).


Strengths
This story made me laugh. Rafael comes across as a totally erratic, probably unreliable person but full of good humour, friendliness and suffering perhaps from a little bit of a libido problem. All in all, his narration provides the hook for the reader to want more. You know, I didn't even really care that the mission he was sent on never really made it into the story!! (Though, you might need to do something about that because the serious side of me says - don't change the plot half way through a piece. The reader will wonder why Rafael is bored and then they'll go: hey wait, what mission? After that they'll re-read to see if they missed something and realise they didn't, just that you changed the plot on them.

I thought it was extra funny that Christensen is being sort of staid and then when we hit Rafael's POV again, he's not picking up any 'odd' vibe from the angel and is rather in la-la-land. You can practically see his thoughts for the forthcoming days! And obviously I like the split narration. It fits with your title - the story is about both of them and they are both entitled to give their side of it.


Bits I liked a lot:

Anywhooo I think I was making him uncomfortable because I was staring at him and possibly his junk, which was huge!!! - very funny and illustrates Rafael's wide-open nature. And I think 'possibly' is 'absolutely totally' Well, given the angel is seven foot, it's likely eye-level is a lot lower than on someone of a smaller height. *Smile* And some might tell you to kill off the multiple exclamation marks but I think they work well here to emphasise where Rafael's thoughts lay, better than if you'd just italicised 'huge'.

He also had dark brown eyes that look like melted chocolate. - really easy to visualise this but I'd suggest making it a bit more active - something like His dark eyes were like melted chocolate. That seems to me to be a much more sudden, direct thought. They didn't 'look like', they 'were'. It puts more strength into Christensen's panic about how he's reacting.

As I pulled him out he was yelling about "You took longer than 30 minutes the pizza is free!" - poor Christensen! He's probably wondering what he's done to deserve a very odd human such as this. I sense Rafael is very high maintenance, but also very cute with it. I can visualise him yelling about the free pizza and doing a happy dance.


Suggestions
I'm not usually a major commentator on grammar but there comes a point where even I can't ignore some things. Usually they relate to how I read a story, and how it affects my flow. Remember, everything here is just my opinion. Accept, ignore, modify - it's your choice.

My brother must be feeling very daring today as he came into my room, yelling "Bro! Wake up there is someone here with a mission for you!" and walking out. - in general, a good opening hook but I didn't like the present tense for the brother's actions, or it could just have been the way it was phrased. It felt awkward. And why would Rafael's brother feel 'daring' anyway? I think you need to sort it and I would, in fact, suggest cutting it back. Something like: My brother came into my room, yelled 'Bro! Wake up, there's someone here with a mission for you!' and walked out without waiting for a response. You can still keep Rafael's reaction in the present tense. (By the way, did you intend to have Rafael's POV as present tense and Christensen's as past? It does work and certainly separates the two narrators clearly, but do think about how it works - and keep to one tense for each. Christensen's sort of swaps between present and past.)

Please look over your punctuation. It's there to help the reader. This sentence (well, multiple) is a prime example: "Hello Angela" I say "What is it that you need? She looked at me and smirked and said "Boy, do I have a mission for you!" Here's the suggested punctuation: "Hello Angela," I say. "What is it that you need?" She looked at me and smirked and said, "Boy, do I have a mission for you!"

Watch your 'and' when you mean 'an'. Easy mistake to type but it really screws up your sentences.

longish dirty blonde hair - if the reader is expecting a hot angel, then 'dirty' isn't going to cut it. This makes him sound like he hasn't washed in a week. And what does dirty blonde look like any way? Sandy?

Now I'm hoping some sexy ass angel with some abs and an ass comes down here and is like hey sexy whats your name?? - actually I like this running-at-full-tilt thought, but it's awkward. The way it reads it's like not everyone has an ass! And to be honest, I'm sick of reading 'ass' when it should be 'arse'. Ridiculous, I know but that's just me. I'm going to make the following suggestion: Now, I'm hoping some sexy ass angel with tight abs and ass comes down here and is like hey sexy whats your name??

Anywhore, I have been waiting for 30 minutes now and all of a sudden I hear and angelic (A/N: Angelic=Angel hahaha get it its a pun and puns are puny!! ok bye) voice from behind me say "Hello, are you Rafael?" - don't know if you meant to spell 'anywhore' like that but it kinda works! However, what the heck is with the bit in brackets? It's straight out odd and doesn't really fit. I wonder if that's because you've got hear and angelic when you mean 'an' there but I'd recommend just getting rid of it. It doesn't do anything to the story and I can't see a pun.

And you need to up your rating. Using the good old F-word here means it needs to be 18+.


Closing Comments
Alright, though I've listed a decent number of things I thought needed to change that does not mean I didn't like the story. I did; in fact I really want to see how it carries on so please do keep writing. Maybe it's just me but Rafael comes across as kinda cute and needing some attention. That raises questions of why, and I think back to his brother's 'daring' and also the mission. You've got a lot of story you have not yet explained - probably you didn't quite mean for that to be a hook, but it is and you've got me at least wanting more.

Do contact me if anything I've rambled about needs clarifying, and I'm totally up for re-reading the story if you like once you've edited it (not that you HAVE too *Wink*)


Best wishes,
Osirantinous

Rockin May 2014 Reviewer

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#1980539 by Osirantinous
141
141
Review of Like any other  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi paintmelikeiam

I was just perusing the Noticing Newbies page and came across "Like any other" . Though I didn't know what contest you were writing it for I was intrigued to see just what you were writing. Well, having read the story I still wouldn't have a clue about the contest but that hardly matters *Smile*

I'd like to offer the following review (and wish you luck!).


Reader Impressions
Well, I was ready for fantasy in terms of dragons, magic, castles etc. You know how we judge a book by it's cover? Clearly, I'm like that with genre titles too. Yet fantasy also has several other qualities, including that dream-like quality where we all fantasise about something or someone and when I read this story it's that 'fantasy' that I felt. Who wouldn't want to find a sort of soul-mate as Maria does here? As well as that, there's probably a lot of us who would like to be in a book.

So anyway... I liked this story. It has a complete arc (beginning, middle and end), and the end is satisfying. I'd originally felt a sort of 'oh my god, he's got MY book' kind of defensiveness but then I relaxed and realised sometimes it's nice to share. And I liked that little bit of fate woven in. As Maria says - eight years and they never really crossed paths. It's all about timing, and it's kinda scary/sad to think that it would have just carried on if she hadn't stopped to help her mother. A true 'what if' sort of story here.

I think the fact this takes place in a library, with a favourite book, would also speak to readers. We all have that favourite tome we read over and over again, living in the story. Whether we're trying to escape our own lives or not doesn't necessarily need to be answered; it's the fact we can be safe and secure in a book that's the point. The line I have all the friends I need in my books. probably rings true for a lot of us. For me, my characters are my friends.


Strengths
Ah well, I'm a person who likes romance and a happy ending, and you delivered both those things to me. I wasn't left with any questions or heartache. I also wanted to see what happened next, which I consider to be a strength. Making the reader wish you'd written more is a nice skill to have. (I do remember you've written this for a contest, so it probably has a word limit which prevents more story. Doesn't mean you can't write a sequel though *Smile*)

I love the sentiments of the following lines:
I finally turn into the isle and see it.
The problem is, it's in the hands of a boy in my class.
I stop dead in my tracks. What is he doing here? I think to myself. Nobody from my class comes here, and I can't believe he'd be reading that! - the first is an 'oh my god, someone's got my book' and then it's a 'holy heck, he's in my class!' followed by 'seriously? He reads this stuff?' It's a whole gamut of emotions and they're all beautifully clear. Defence, recognition, surprise/shock (with a little judgement thrown in for good measure).


Suggestions
This is where I mention things that disrupted my flow. Sometimes grammar, sometimes spelling, and somethings things that just made me go 'huh? what?'

At my high school, I feel like an outcast. - I'd suggest taking out 'my high' here. You've mentioned this already in the previous sentence so this is just an unnecessary double up (and if you are writing to a word limit then double-ups can impinge on that).

"It's my favorite book too. There doesn't happen to be more than one copy, does there?" I finally got out.
Ryan looked shocked. "Wow. I guess I never knew we had so much in common." He smiled again but this time it warmed me to my core. He turned and looked back at the bookcase.
"No, sorry. There's only one. But we could read it together. I'm free after work from five to seven, think we could meet up here?" - there's nothing wrong with the sentences themselves but I thought the ordering was a little off kilter. When taken as a bunch like this Ryan's initial response doesn't match with Maria's words entirely. He is simply commenting that they have a lot in common (goes with Maria's first sentence) but it reads like an answer to Maria's final sentence, and of course it doesn't match. And then finally he answers the initial question. I would suggest turning Ryan's responses round. Have him look for a second book first and apologise that there isn't one and then say 'wow, I didn't realise we had so much in common'. (Not that I'm suggesting a rewording here..., though what you do have is a bit less colloquial that I'd expect in a teenager.) If I was judging this contest, the ordering's something I'd pick up as a I didn't feel it was quite right sort of thing.


Closing Comments
I really like that the power of a book can bring people together. I've never read The Secret Garden, though I think I've seen a movie made from it? So many people have mentioned it as their favourite so I really must find myself a copy. Besides a little bit of tightening up on your structure, I think you've got a strong story here. As I said, it left me with no questions, just a sort of longing for more. A pleasant, lighthearted and feel-good story. In fact, something that I would probably come back to again and again for those reasons.


Best of luck for the contest, and don't hesitate to contact me if there's anything that needs clarifying.


Best wishes,
Osirantinous

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Review of Game On  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Maverick Jone

I was looking at the short stories on the Noticing Newbies page and "Game On"  caught my eye. I like a good romance and I played badminton in school so it seemed a good combination for me to read.

And I offer up the following review to you, and ask you to bear in mind that any comments or suggestions are only my own. You are the master of your work so please ignore, accept or totally modify anything I've said.


*Tree* The Big Picture
The overall story is really sweet - two people (one shy, one perhaps lonely and hurting) meeting over a shared love of badminton and then of chicken rolls and forming a growing friendship. One that might develop into a relationship even. It has plenty of conflict - Rohan's shyness, Priyanka's ex boyfriend, the badminton competition - to keep it moving forward, and I very much like that we have a circular sort of plot. We start with Rohan's shyness and we end with it.

Please correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think English is your first language. I say that because there are a few words not used in quite their usual manner and many of your sentences have a old-fashioned formal quality to them, often with an unusual order. To be honest, that could just be how you choose to write and I won't say it's wrong. In fact, I thought that the formal olden-day feel to your writing gave the story a sort of charm. It made me feel, in fact, that this story is not set in modern day 2014.


*Star* Strengths
The plot is simple but you give it so much depth by creating rounded characters. We don't have much of a physical description of either Rohan or Priyanka but we get an idea of their inner characters through their actions and words. I can imagine that for someone as shy as Rohan Priyanka's forthrightness must be quite scary (but possibly also quite thrilling).

It is also nice to have a friendship/relationship develop quite slowly, and how you've displayed it here is quite different to what I've been reading lately. I appreciated the fact there was no kissing or anything of that sort, even though it was clear attraction was felt by both parties.

As someone who has played badminton in the past I appreciated the 'action shots', especially Rohan served. Nitin received, lifted it high, and Priyanka shot it. I visualised this easily, and wished I was still playing now! I would like to have seen a little bit more of the action when Rohan and Priyanka first play though as the game is the background of this story.

Bits I liked a lot:

Priyanka came to him, and simply, without a pinch of reluctance, asked him if he could give her company for some snacks - the latter half of this sentence about the company is understandable though not strictly grammatical, however it's the pinch of reluctance I want to highlight. I'm not sure I've seen this phrase used before but it's really strong, shows without doubt that this girl is not shy at all. Nice use.

"By the way, my name is Priyanka, and do I have to ask for yours?" - more evidence that she isn't shy. I like her forthright way of speaking!

Money wasn't a problem to him, but he disliked people who did not respect their own words. - I like this way of talking about people who don't follow up their own words (or even actions). I never thought about it in terms of respecting themselves but it is quite true!

And it was these events which made him realise that his life without her was not very much more than a silent movie. - I love this way of describing a life without a friend (or lover) in it, without the friendly chatter.


*Apple* Suggestions and Questions
I would suggest you do check out some of the words you've used - especially apprehend and legitimate.

While he was just processing the situation, she apprehended his hesitation correctly - while apprehend could be said to be usable here I think most people would say it's not correct, thinking of it as arrest, detain, capture etc. You use the word a lot but I think you'd be better of (in this case at least) with something like appraise instead (evaluate, judge) which would still give you a lyrical quality to the sentence.

This was something off the usual Priyanka he knew, but was legitimate. I know what you mean - that Priyanka's reaction was authentic but 'legitimate' isn't really the word you want. I would actually be inclined to suggest you take off the last three words; they're not really needed here, as the sentence stands quite strongly without them.

I must admit once I realised the relationship between Priyanka and Nitin, I didn't then understand Nitin's earlier reaction of "Is she shy or what? She didn't heed us." Wouldn't he know why she ignored him?

He cut her off and with prudent intonation asked, "Why is it that he was your boyfriend?" - firstly, what do you mean by prudent intonation? And what is Rohan actually asking here? Is the emphasis on 'was' here, in finding out why the pair aren't together any more? (and you need 'off' there at the beginning, otherwise it looks like he physically cut her).

Priyanka and Rahul, the new champions, - you've suddenly changed the name of the male character (twice actually in this paragraph).


*Tree* Closing Comments
I liked this story. I did find that sometimes the language made it difficult to comprehend some sentences but a slower re-read always cleared that up. I did make some suggestions for wording changes, too, but overall I found your writing to be quite charming. And as I said, I like romance and badminton and enjoyed the combination here (especially with Priyanka taking charge). I'd love to see you write more on these two - such as when they come to defend their doubles title. Will they still be friends? Will they have developed their relationship?

In any case, I'm pleased to have read Game On and I hope you find something in this review that encourages you to keep writing onwards and upwards. Don't forget that I'm just one of thousands on here, so if you don't agree with something I've said don't worry too much about it (every reviewer will have something different to say!). Let me know if I need to clarify anything too.

Kindest regards,
Osirantinous

** Image ID #1988792 Unavailable **

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Review of The parcel  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Alison

I was perusing the Noticing Newbies page and came across "The parcel" . The title combined with the genre of 'mystery' was compelling, and so I read your short story and would like to offer a review. Just note that everything said is just my opinion, and I'm only one of thousands on here. You're the boss when it comes to your writing so ignore, accept or modify my comments as you see fit.


*Gifto* The Big Picture
I think you and I may have found the same prompt because I've written a short story recently that follows along this same route - an unexpected package arrival (mine's a locked box though) and a thoroughly unexpected item in the package. Funnily enough, mine was also a finger! I guess parcels and boxes bring out that sort of response in us. I'd rather jewelry too, just like your character.

Anyway, so I was hooked from the opening lines and using 'It' to describe the package just makes it all the more mysterious. Following on from the arrival, your character's reaction was intriguing. I would do the mental check too but then I'd probably sit it down and leave it. I would possibly be a bit too concerned to go about opening it! Your character was quite clinical, and cynical. When we reach the final lines we go back over the character's thoughts and actions and think holy cow, all that rattling and shaking was a finger. Ewwww. Not to mention, the box has been sitting around for two weeks! Quite aside from 'mystery' you've got a nice bit of horror to go on with.


*Gifto* Strengths
Short stories - especially those under 1000 words - can be difficult to write. Just because it's short doesn't mean you can skimp on a plot or a story arc. This little story doesn't skimp at all, and you've done it all under 500 words! The plot's clean and clear - a mysterious package arrives that eggs on a character to keep anticipation alive. The climax clears up the mystery and probably kills off any desire for anticipation at a later stage (probably also for ordering anything through the web!). The climax also pushes the reader to continue thinking about the story long after it's finished. Who's finger? Why was it sent to this woman? How the heck did no one notice a smell coming from the box? What happened to the son after he opened the box? You could write a sequel, you know.

I also like the humour here, though it's not obvious. Or maybe it is just me finding something funny in how the anticipation turned out.


*Gifto* Suggestions
I'm a bit confused about these two sentences: 'Whatever...I haven't ordered anything.' Teenage son with typical ego-centrical logic.

The sentence previous to these is a comment made by the character's husband, and I thought the speech here was her response. However, the latter sentence makes me think it's the son speaking - except why would he say this? Is he just making a comment? If so, it's a bit out of the blue and I'd suggest just leading it in a little more.

What a disappointment. The boy's patience had run out. - there's no previous indication that the son wanted his mum to open the package. The husband is not patient, however, so maybe he should have been the one to open the package? I'd also suggest putting 'obviously' in between 'patience' and 'had run out' here. At the moment, combined with what a disappointment it reads as if the disappointment is at the boy losing his patience. It probably is, but it reads almost mean. I feel like it's a disappointment that the box has been opened, rather than at the boy himself. Putting 'obviously' just makes that latter statement more fact-feeling than a judgement. Hmm, have I made sense here?


*Gifto* Closing Comments
I liked this little story, packed with wry humour, mystery and horror at the end. I especially liked seeing how someone else used that (probable) same prompt - sometimes I get stuck thinking that you can only write something one way, but it's so untrue! I love to see a sequel......

In any case, I hope you keep finding prompts to egg you on to writing (and entering those prompt-oriented contests - at which I think you'd do just fine). Don't forget to contact me if something hasn't made sense.

Best wishes,
Osirantinous

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Review of Dream On  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Sing Me A Story

I found "Dream On "  on the "Please Review"  page and thought the genres combined with the log-line of This is just a dream was an intriguing hook. So I have taken a look and I offer up a little review for you (or, rather, a reader reaction).


*Blockv* The Big Picture
Your opening paragraph was really good, and I thought to myself that yes, sometimes I feel that way. Usually it's the best dreams that you get broken rudely out of; the nasty ones never get caught by the alarm clock!

The single-sentence second paragraph gives us the heads-up that this story is not going to be all sweet and lovely, but as I started reading I really had no idea of where the plot was heading. I liked that fact because it added suspense to the telling and, frankly, what dream or nightmare has ever followed a plot path!

Furthermore it wasn't until that final quarter of the story that we learn the real nightmare - that Celia's younger sister was hit and killed by a train. It appears to be Celia's guilt that is causing the nightmare - presumably she hadn't been able to pull her sister back in time or something like that. It makes the dream go from a mildly unpleasant and wacky dream to a very disturbing one, made more so because it is recurring and ends in different ways. The stress that must add to the dreamer is undeniable. The scary bit is that while Celia is dreaming, she knows she's dreaming. She knows she's stuck in a seemingly never-ending nightmare, and I almost got that feeling she was somehow dead too and suffering this nightmare as a sort of punishment.


*Blockv* Strengths
This may sound kind of odd but the major strength of this story - aside from the suspense - is that it really read like a dream. Random events, random settings, part memories, time travel, reality and fantasy blurring. To my mind, this was a perfectly written dream sequence and when nothing made sense that was perfectly fine because it's how dreams go.

The circular nature of the story heightens the scariness. For someone to have a recurring dream like this it must be exhausting - to know what they're going to dream and what the outcome is likely to be, to know they're going to suffer all the guilt and grief they've been suffering for years. And then to know they're all but forced too - it's enough to make anyone quite crazy.

You have multiple settings in this short story and each of them is nicely described. I'm a visual reader, imagining it all in my head as I go; and I was able to picture all of the different stores Celia and Trina visited, their dresses even so I felt like I was in the dream too. That's a strength here - the more the reader feels like they're involved, the better.

Your title's great too - it has the 'get real' meaning of dream on and also a dream onwards (i.e. recurring) meaning. Nice.


*Blockv* Suggestions
I'm sure someone would tell me off for making this suggestion but I think you could use contractions a little more. Some of the sentences feel quite stiff - At first, I did not realize I was dreaming. and She did not elaborate, and I did not feel the need to push the issue. are two examples. I doubt dreams care about being all polite and correct, and they are fairly colloquial beasts so didn't, couldn't, wouldn't - you won't kill this story if you have a few.


*Blockv* Closing Comments
I really liked the story; it lived up to its genres, had a complete story arc and yet still gave room for reader imagination (is Celia really dreaming or not?). I wish you all the luck getting this published.


Please don't hesitate to let me know if anything I've said needs clarifying!

Best wishes,
Os

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"King's Landing updating " 
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Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Open thoughts

I was looking over the Noticing Newbies page and your short story caught my interest. Dentists and thriller/suspense go hand in hand for most people!! So I've just read "Trapped in Darkness." , and I'd like to offer my thoughts.


Reader Thoughts
Back in my primary school days I don't recall fearing the dentist, though whenever I went I usually came out with a new filling. The fear, for me, was the fact that once I was out of the chair I'd have to go into another class and deliver a note to the teacher who'd direct the next victim on their way. Chronic shyness was worse than the dentist. These days I don't like going to the dentist because of the pain to the wallet!

However, I'm sure there are plenty of readers who'll totally sympathise with Johnny and start reliving their own nightmares during their reading.

I was somewhat confused, though, at who was in the dentist's chair. Firstly I read it as Johnny being in the chair, dreaming as he's under an anesthetic - since the darkness, the opening eyes lead me that way. But by the end I wasn't sure. It turned around to be as if Johnny has been relegated to the waiting room and it was his mother visiting the dentist. However, that sort of didn't make sense if I saw her as the one screaming and then suddenly telling her son that visiting the dentist wasn't so bad. And then... it seemed as if the woman with the dental gauze and the boy reaching for her weren't Johnny and his mum.

I might once have said that you really need to clear up all this confusion, but it actually kind of works! You intended to write something with a thriller/suspense theme, and you have. The plot can work in so many different ways and the reader may just end up as nervous as Johnny trying to figure out what's going on!


Strengths and Suggestions
As above, the confusion hinders and helps all in one and I'd call that a strength here. With the reader unable to quite figure out what's going on, you heighten the tension.

The rambling sentences equate to panicked thought, so even though some aren't really grammatically correct they fit with the story. No one in a panic cares about grammar!

I would recommend making the actual speech sections more clear. I understand that it's almost reported speech from Johnny's view but for reading clarity I'd suggest putting the speech either into italics or with speech marks. Something like: My mom with her Brooklyn lisp telling me, see Johnny the Dentist isn't so bad, is he?

The thoughts filling my mine - think you mean mind here, rather than mine. I would also take out 'the' as you never go on to say what the thoughts filling the mind actually do. Thoughts fill my mind would make that sentence more complete.

As my eyes began to focus I notice - you've written this story in the present tense (which strengthens the panic and fear) so began here really should be begin.

Your opening sentence immediately hooks the reader. And it's not until some time later we realise it's all about a dentist (nice suspense). The final lines give us the outcome, tie the story's plot into a tidy end. However, I think the ! is out of place here - it cuts the last sentence in half, making the final words incomplete (and almost the opposite of Johnny's decision). How about: With a sigh of relief I responded to my mom that it was nothing. But I swore to myself that day, I would never go to a dentist again. I've put the but in there because otherwise the response that it was nothing is totally negated by the final decision and it reads weirdly. The 'but' tells us Johnny's being brave to his mother all the while feeling the opposite.


Closing Comments
An intriguing little story, written to exact serious suspense and panic. And when the reader realises a dentist's involved it's likely to cause memories of their own visits - both in terms of being the 'victim' and in being the one waiting outside while someone else is the 'victim'.

Keep up with your writing, and I look forward to reading more in the future. Don't hesitate to question anything I've said. I'm only one reader among thousands on here and you'll find everyone's got their own opinions! Take or leave suggestions and comments as you see fit.

Best wishes,
Osirantinous

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Review of Legacy  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk

I've just read "Legacy" , and am reviewing it as part of my irregular reviews for "King's Landing updating " .


*Tree*Reader Impressions
Carl Sagan is right; reading is a form of time travel and the quote works perfectly with your story line. Did the quote act as the prompt for this story? If not, you couldn't have found a better fit!

When reading the first couple of paragraphs - immersed in a world of swords, regents and the Outer Realm - I kind of agreed with the narrator. The book seemed a rather out of place gift. But I came to learn just as the narrator did that the written word was just as powerful. To be honest, I didn't expect it to be a journal but actually something like a spell-book or even a book of tales (though, not quite sure why the latter) so this was a nice hook, something that kept me reading to see how the story ended.

Legacy is not only a short story but a lesson to be learned - in any age! We are so very quick to jump on the bandwagon of new and exciting things, forgetting how blissfully happy we were without them not so long ago. Here I am typing on a laptop, hooked to the web. Though I do write my stories pencil on paper, when was the last time I sent real mail? Or frankly, phoned someone? And when the internet goes down we all panic. We could all take a leaf out of your narrator's book!!


*Star*Strengths
I'm not sure readers like being taught truths these days, so I very much think a strength of this story is that the lesson snuck upon the reader. Socked out of the blue, the reader is more likely to go hmmm, yeah, you're talking some sense here, and hopefully go forth in learned splendor.

I really like first-person narrators and to me that was a good choice for this story. Thoughts and feelings are more personal, and the lesson learned strikes home more strongly. The character's colloquial yet miffed story-telling is so what I'd expect of a young man expected to go on a pretty serious journey with a book, when his comrades are getting weapons. He is that classic son finding out that his father actually does know best.


*Apple*Suggestions
That first sentence of the third paragraph is a serious beast at 97 words long. Even with the comma breaks, you need concentration to get through. My first pass consisted of me leaving out the bracketed and hyphened sections. Once I got the gist of the sentence I read it again with those sections added. I wouldn't suggest losing any of the information, because it is very interesting, but is there some way of cutting the sentence in two? I had thought something like: I had tried to convince my mother and father to send my good for nothing younger brother Gaius in my place. However, after hearing... That's pretty basic, I know, but (well, to me) it doesn't really change the sense and does give the reader's brain a bit of help. Then again, maybe it was just this reader with the issues!

I know this is a short story but I thought that the battles through the Outer Realm didn't get enough page time. There was a long lead-up, decent telling of the first 'battle' and night in the keep but the rest of the year's worth of travels in the Outer Realm was relegated to half a paragraph. It almost felt like a long story that's ended in a dream sequence, a quick fix. But I guess that's the only way you can get to the end and deliver the lesson learned/moral of the story. On the other hand, I wasn't at all bothered by the jump in years to when the narrator is having his turn at being considered senile by his son!


*Quill*The Technical Side
I usually comment here on things that stopped my reading flow. I would possibly put that long third paragraph sentence here except for the fact that I wasn't puzzled by it, I was just exhausted by it.

Still, three of us wouldn't even make it to the keep alive, and I noticed – with more sadness than I had anticipated – that I sincerely hoped Lord Damara's third son would succeed where his brothers had failed. - without the hyphened section this reads I noticed that I sincerely hoped... Well, it's nice that he notices his sincere hope but I expect that's not quite what you meant here?

Still, I'm sure the skirmish proved the point they were hoping to make; - 99% if the time this story is past tense. I wouldn't call the present I'm wrong but it sticks out here.


In any case, a nice story with a good lesson that everyone should learn! Well told, easy to read, and totally enjoyable. Please don't hesitate to contact me if you need any clarification regarding my comments.

Best wishes,
Osirantinous

** Image ID #1988792 Unavailable **
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Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi G. B. Williams

I was checking out the items on the Please Review page and your poem "The Sun Peeps Through"  all but yelled at me to read it. I'll tell you why. Where I live, we have really only had four or five dry days in the last four weeks. And by 'dry' I don't necessarily mean sunny. It's absolutely hosing down even now as I write this. I'm so sick of the rain (and it's very heavy combined with a driving wind) that I'm just like you in your second last stanza. I think someone has forecast a fine (sunny) weekend for us but I won't believe that until afterwards.

So anyway, I thought I'd offer you a review. I'm generally not a poetry writer, so I may come at this more as a reader rather than any sort of poetry critique-r (though I am learning).


*FlowerR* Reader Impressions
Well, as you already know, this poem rather loudly spoke to me and frankly when I read it I was overcome with jealously. We've all but forgotten what the sun looks like here! Your final stanza gives me some hope.

In this poem you've made the sun the 'weaker' environmental personality (if I remember the word I'm after I'll come back and change it!). And when you've been dealing with days on end, the sun really does appear the weaker. If it was strong, it'd burn off those clouds and dry up that rain. But the sun can also be seen as you (or even as me) - we're hiding away in our houses keeping dry. We might sprint out to the letter box but we scuttle back quickly. Next time we may be out for longer, and finally we realise we're born to be outside and out we go and all is good in the world again. I don't know if you've noticed this phenomenon but the moment we have a sunny day after days/weeks of rain the streets and squares are full of people as if they've come out from hibernation (just like: A picture of happiness and living large.). The places aren't even that full when we get days of sun on end!

And I agree with you - the appearance of the sun can do wonders.


*FlowerR* Tone and Mood
I'm still learning about tone and mood in poetry - what you felt when you wrote, what I felt when I read. You can probably tell what I felt from the above. I think if I were writing this I'd be all doom and gloom and it'd be quite clear, but I found it a little hard to tell that you'd been suffering so long. The language is really quite upbeat - hesitant in terms of the sun's actions, but upbeat nonetheless. It's not really until Changing everything including me who was feeling so blue. that I realise the lack of sun has had consequences.

One thing I did notice was that the rain doesn't really have a face in this poem. You talk of mist and cloudy and overcast, but the rain itself only shows up in the final stanza. It's almost as if the issue has been the lack of sun rather than the abundance of rain causing the lack of sun. Maybe the rain wasn't as evil to you as it currently is to me.


*FlowerR* Rhyme, Form and Flow
If I'm attempting poetry it's almost always non-rhyming. My brain just isn't good enough to write poetry and rhyme at the same time. However, I love reading rhyming poetry because it helps get me into a solid reading cadence, which somehow makes the poetry easier to understand and to visualise. And to visualise the sky being ablaze and the sun in charge was very, very nice.

However, I couldn't quite get the first stanza into the same cadence as the other six. At first I thought it was their length tripping me up but further reads-out-loud make me suggest it's the morning in the second line. To me it blows out the flow (quite besides being a repeat). Reading that line without morning made that line read more smoothly (for me at least).


*FlowerR* Punctuation, Grammar and Other Things
I tend to not make any comments regarding punctuation in poetry as I feel it's a genre where you can make the rules. Grammar goes much the same way. Other Things for me are bits and pieces that stood up and interrupted my reading flow or irked me. All personal opinions of a non-poet of course!

Besides the morning in the first stanza's second line, the one other thing that niggled a bit was the three uses of peeped and one of peeping. Yes, the sun is known for peeping but having the adjective used so many times in a short poem was quite distracting. On the other hand it lends a refrain to the poem. What a sight to see as the sun peeped through. - is there a chance of changing this peeped to perhaps peeked or even speared (the latter being suggested since the sun was earlier emboldened to cut through the haze; speared kind of gives it that battle-winner type feel).


They say that misery loves company, so part of me was happy to find a fellow blue-weather-sufferer. And it's nice to be reminded that the nasty weather isn't permanent. Finally, that last line says a lot about humans too. We don't remain the same. I hate the rain right now but I bet once I've had two weeks of full-on sun and my plants are dying I'll hate the sun. We are as fickle as the sun and rain.

So I'm going to end this before I get seriously off topic. *Smile* Thank you for writing this poem and putting it up for others to read. I enjoyed it.


Very kind regards,
Osirantinous

** Image ID #1988792 Unavailable **

"King's Landing updating " 
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Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi D I Harrison

I was perusing the items under Read a Newbie and since I have a fascination with all things Japanese lately the title and log-line of your piece intrigued me. I just had to have a look, and now I want to offer a review of "The Hiroshima Bowl" .

I'm not really a dabbler in poetry myself so this review will be coming from a reader's point of view rather than a fellow poet's!


*FlowerR*Personal Impressions
I liked this poem a lot. It almost feels wrong to say that given the overarching subject but I like the way you've dealt with it through an inanimate object. The bowl kind of reminds me of all the objects found at Pompeii after it was buried with lava and ash from the volcano. The people all died but objects from their daily lives remained and they carry so much weight with them now. They are like physical ghosts, certainly reminders of what used to be. And, of course, they're physical reminders of what happened.

To fire ceramics with glaze
the kiln must reach temperatures
of 1300o Centigrade, - I thought this was brilliant. It's delivered as cold, hard fact; almost as if a recorded voice is reading out instructions. For me it was also a good 'break' between the bowl sitting in the cupboard after the first firing and what comes next.

I would defy anyone who says the last stanza isn't the most powerful part of this poem. It critiques humanity in so many ways (the ease of which a deadly bomb was dropped on one nation by another, the monetary value we put on disasters (have you seen how much Titanic memorabilia goes for?)). This double-fired, coagulated bowl with its shabby ten a yen blooms symbolises those deaths. For me anyway. I might be rambling here but I actually don't know how to put into proper words how much this poem digs into one's psyche.


*FlowerR* Tone and Mood (Emotional Impact)
Tone and Mood are still things I'm learning about in poetry but it does feel to me that perhaps you and I are/were feeling much the same thing as you wrote and I read. This is not a happy poem at all and nothing about how it's written tries to deny that. Even the blooms on the bowl itself aren't particularly 'happy'.

I totally don't know if you thought about the words as you wrote, and put them down so they illustrated the mood but it seems that way to me.


*FlowerR* Rhyme, Form and Flow
There's no rhyme in this poem and I think that makes it all the more beautifully stark. This is fact, not fantasy. And, you know, I also like the fact that it almost reads like a short non-fiction prose piece melded into a poetic sort of format. Again, I think that works with your subject. You describe the bowl in a poetic way but the bomb itself and the last stanza - no pretty words, just statements. You don't take anything away from the nasty facts, you don't hide behind flowery words.


*FlowerR* Grammar and Punctuation
In poetry, for me at least, pretty much anything goes, but there were a couple of things that tripped up my reading flow or seemed a little odd. Take my comments as you see fit because they are simply the comments of just one reader.

Thrown, fired somewhen in the thirties,
A cheap bowl is inside a workaday
Bamboo cupboard; it’s white, burnt - firstly, I in fact like somewhen but others might tell you it's just not English. Some time is possibly a better set of words if you were so inclined. Secondly, is in the second line felt redundant if I were in a poetic mood, but I'd much rather see something like lies, resides or hides... - some other verb of being in the cupboard. Thirdly, it's white, burnt took me several readings to get that burnt belonged to Sienna in the line below. I'd suggest either putting 'burnt' on that line, or changing 'it's white' to something like white body, just to avoid confusion.

Dropped out sunny clear sky, exploding - I think you need 'of the' after out in this line.

– the bowl is unpriceable. - I know what you mean by unpriceable but I wonder if this might read slightly better as invaluable. It would go better with the 'valueless' at the start of this stanza. Unpriceable and invaluable can be taken to mean different things, though, so it's only a suggestion.



You might have noticed the lovely House Frey banner below. Just in case you think I'm odd, let me tell you why. I've signed up to the massive "King's Landing updating "  contest and I belong to House Frey, with a bunch of others from P.E.N.C.I.L. (They/we review novels on WDC so if you're ever in the market for that do give us a call). All reviewing that the teams do over the month of May counts towards House points if we include the Banner. *Smile* You can also 'cheer' for us if you like our reviews; just go to the GoT link and follow the 'rules'.

I want to thank you for putting this poem up on WDC for us to read. It's very thought provoking. Do contact me if you need clarification on anything I've written.

Best wishes,
Osirantinous

** Image ID #1920907 Unavailable **
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Review of A Helping Hand  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Charlie ~ !

I was looking through the requests on "Please Review"  and found your short crime story "A Helping Hand" . I rather liked it so I thought I'd go ahead and complete a review for you from my reader-point-of-view. What I've written is just my single opinion out of so many on this site, so feel free to accept, modify or totally ignore anything I say and/or suggest!


*Tree*First Impressions
I thought this was, in general, a nice tight story. You've got a start which impressively puts us off the scent of what the story is really about. This means we're like 'oooooh' when we hit the scene of Mike wringing his hands and staring at the wall, and probably we know what he's done before Rob cottons onto it. There's the whole 'I'm your brother' guilt trip and we then come to the action which is hinted at in your log-line. The ending is magnificent and righteous, just as you say.


*Screw*The Nuts and Bolts

Imagery
I'm quite a visual reader, meaning that I like show over tell because I can picture events, scenery, characters in their 3D glory. Each reader's different, of course, so what I say here is just my opinion.

We probably don't need a good set of imagery for Mike's apartment because there's not a lot of action here. The bathroom's a different matter. It's where Mike and Rob's world has gone haywire but the description is very clinical, almost non-real. Do the girls stay with their father on occasion? If so, would they have some bath toys or other effects in the bathroom? It would make the whole unveiling of Mike's deed all the more terrible if kids' toys were scattered about. Just as making the shower curtain some pattern rather than clear. It gives us a little bit more to visualise, makes the scene more gruesome (though, of course, you're not writing a horror story here so you would be writing a fine line).

When we're in the woods, it is night so we're not likely to see a great deal. In fact the only thing we really know is that the earth is frozen solid because it's November. You could show the temperature a bit more - are they stamping their feet? Are they flexing fingers to keep them from stiffening? Are they billowing steam when they talk? These would be just a few extra things to remind us what Mike and Rob's environment is like, so we'd get that 3D visualisation of the scene.

Since A Helping Hand is narrated in the first person, we don't get a strong image of Rob - besides the fact he's 25 and over six foot tall. He has been married (six years?), and I got the feeling he really wanted a child. We know more of Mike - and your description of his successful/unsuccessful life is really wonderful. I don't know, however, that you've explained why he hasn't been the same since the divorce. We later hear he continuously fights with his ex-wife but we don't really know why, nor do we get any sense of what Rose was like. If we did, both might help explain why Mike tipped over the edge in the final argument. And they might (or might not) make the reader more inclined to give him a bit of the benefit of doubt as to his actions.

Plot and Plot Fuel
Overall your plot and the fuel that drives it is clear and succinct, and it moves through very nicely to the end.

However, when I read the story through a second time the first paragraph, about Rob's own troubles, started to feel a little out of place because it never goes anywhere afterwards. I said above that it's a great 'screen' for the real action. It is also the 'reason' for Rob ending up at his brother's but I think you might need to reorganise it a bit so it doesn't stand out quite so much. You could amalgamate part of it with the second paragraph - starting out with something like My brother and I were a mess in our relationships..... etc etc etc.

The Great Moral Dilemma
You've got two great moral dilemmas in this story, which lend themselves to being 'themes'. The first is - would you help someone in this situation? And the second is - what would you do to help your family (on the premise that blood is thicker than water)? I know you're writing a short story here but it would have been interesting to delve further into these questions. Rob justifies his help, I think, by the fact that if he doesn't Mike will kill him too. Is he then helping his brother because he's blood, or is he helping because his own life is at fault? And if it's the latter, does that justify his helping cover up a murder? Your story might be about how a helping hand goes too far but it's also poetic justice that Rob is found 'red-handed' by the officer. There are consequences, no matter what. Actually, as I write this it seems to be that this is simply a conundrum that would make you somewhat nuts as you tried to sort it out!

A good twist for the reader above and beyond the story itself.


*Wind*Strengths
One of the main strengths of this story it its compact arc. Your telling is succinct; you don't give any fluff.I know I suggested some embellishment to your 'telling' but I don't think that would have any detrimental affect on the story as it stands.

Your dialogue is also strong, believable in the situations and fitting in with what we know of Mike and Rob. Rob's drunk and pumped up on his near miss; his speech is a rambling monologue, with a sense of pride thrown in. Mike's clipped sentences show his shock, as do the occasional bits of repetition (such as “We have to torch it. That’s it. We have to torch her in her car.”). I love the use of 'man' in a lot of Rob's speech; very colloquial and it is far better than using something like God or Lord in this context.

I think the climax of this short story is in fact one of the best I've read lately. Oddly, it is almost comical though I'm pretty sure you didn't intend that. The two brothers are arguing about how to dispose of a body in the dead of night and then the officer appears on the scene without warning to end everything they were trying to do. And it creates a perfect circle with the story's log-line about a helping hand going too far.


*Quill*Suggestions
There was one major thing I couldn't quite comprehend - the tense/time-frame. Right up to the point where Mike is saying that Rose has been a thorn in his side I thought this was a present-tense story - telling as we go. But then there comes two paragraphs where Rob is apparently looking back on the event (an 'if I knew then what I know now' moment) and they broke my flow. If this is a story being told by Rob while he's sitting in jail (or elsewhere) you should make that clear from the outside. If it's not, then you should probably take out that first 'past' paragraph as well as the first sentence of the second one.

I do have a couple of specific suggestions for some of your sentences. These are just my thoughts, remember, but they affected my reading flow so I mention them here.

I moved in with my older brother, Mike, who had been divorced years before and hadn’t been the same since. - the suggestion here would be to simply swap the order of the final half of the sentence: I moved in with my older brother, Mike, who hadn’t been the same since his had been divorced years before and .

I guess it wouldn’t be fair for me to say that for a few more years though. - I would be inclined to delete this sentence. It doesn't actually add anything to the story.

She looked so frail there, so weak and helpless. - Your previous sentence is past tense talking about a past event. This sentence would fit just a little better if it were She'd looked so frail, so weak and helpless. Ie, keeping it a past tense event too.


*Tree*Closing Comments
Overall, I really liked this story. A terrible event, of course, we can't pretend not to notice that but the story is strong, the characters believable, and the end really, really good. And as I mentioned above, the reader starts thinking what they might do in this situation, so you've got the reader fully involved too.


Thanks for putting this story up on the review request page and letting us read and review. Don't hesitate to contact me if you have any queries about anything I've written. And most importantly, keep writing. You're good at it!

Best wishes,
Osirantinous

PDG Jr Leader Review Sig, created by the wonderful Hannah
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150
Review of Leaving home  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi geniusgal

I found "Leaving home"  on "Please Review"  and was intrigued by your request. Harsh reviews are indeed the most helpful, so I apologise in advance for falling short there. I don't think your poem warrants a harsh review at all.

Does it help that I'm jealous of you for two things? 1. you've been here at WDC for ages and 2. you had the guts to be here when you were so young (Not that you're old now! BTW think you need to update your bio unless you're going with the forever-sixteen theme *Smile*)


*Tree*Starting Thoughts
As someone who used to get horrendously homesick just staying next door I can fully understand the wrench you feel/felt when you left home. Your whole life is there and you have to let it go in order to continue on with your life. Your poem comes across almost like the 'life flashing before your eyes' sort of moment. I thought it was made extra poignant by the fact you were holding (I presume) your mum's hand and have to let that go as much as the memories. I imagine she had much the same thoughts in her head!


*Star*Strengths
The main strength of this poem is that it reads just like rushing thoughts, a list of feelings, thoughts and tangible memories. And then it comes to a halt in the final stanza where you take a breath and move on.

There's a couple of lines I especially loved:

Stepping into the ruthless world, | away from my comfort zone; - a very simple statement of where you're going and where you've been. It also gives insight into that little bit of fear/insecurity such a change brings. I was lucky to live at home while I was at university but I still had these feelings when I moved away later.

the pinching, the annoying, the playing tag, - Funny how the most annoying things of your childhood (usually involving siblings) become treasured memories. It probably happens to most of us, and I like that it did for you (and even the chores too!)


*Apple*Suggestions
I'm only going to make a couple of suggestions regarding some odd wording and punctuation because mostly I don't feel the body needs to change much. Apologies if it looks quite like nitpicking!

There are a couple of places where you have a double space between words. Not a grammatical error of course but it is distracting. Oh well, it is to me.

Turning back,
I took a last glance
of the place the where I grew up,
made memories, moulded myself
where I loved and was loved..

Your first stanza has one of those double spaces (between Turning and back) but I also want to comment on a couple of other things here. The third line of the place the where I grew up, has an extra 'the' between place and where. However, you could emphasise your setting by putting a comma after 'place', where the place and the where are two ways of saying the same thing: of the place, the where I grew up. No matter what you do here, I think the 'of' needs to be 'at'. You're glancing at something, not of something.

where I loved and was loved.. and a wave of nostalgia washes over me.. I don't think you need the elipses here (the ..); these would be better as simple hard endings to the stanzas (first and fourth). On the other side, it does work for the final stanza, though I'd add a third . before and after and hers, as an elipsis is usually three dots. Two just looks like you added an extra full stop in error.

And for the sake of consistency, watch what you have capitalised in each stanza. The format looks like it's simply the first word in each stanza (beyond the first which includes I) so Stepping (second stanza) and The pillow (fourth) kind of jump out.


*Tree*Ending Thoughts
I'm not a poet but I can at least tell you how this poem made me feel. It brought back a lot of memories (not always a leaving-home sort but also a total-change sort) which I've never put to paper and frankly don't think I could, not in the wonderfully encompassing and heart-felt way you have. This is a really nice poem and it feels odd to apologise for not being harsh, but there it is.

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to read and review Leaving. I'd like to see a couple of poems down the track once you're settled into college and even made your first visit home. Would be interesting to see if the memories in this poem are the same in a later visit.

Please don't hesitate to contact me if you need any clarification regarding my comments.

Best wishes,
Osirantinous

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