Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/outoftouch/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/12
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: You have an interesting idea for a longer story here. I like the setting you chose for the story, and I could easily imagine the robber being chased by the hunter as you described. You have created two interesting characters, both "bad guys", and it would be interesting to see which one would prevail in that instance.
My Suggestions: I would omit "slowly walking" from the first sentence, because your description that he "creeps" allows the reader to infer that he was walking slowly. In the third sentence, "guardians" is spelled incorrectly. In the next sentence, "robbers" should be "robber's". Next sentence, I would omit the comma and change "echoing" to "echoes". I am unsure of what you are trying to say a few sentences later with "instants changing". I think that, in the context of the rest of the sentence, "and the robber was unable to tell" would work better here. In the next sentence, "cowboys" should be "cowboy's". Toward the end of the story, you say "A growl sounded from one of them" after just mentioning eyes. Are you saying that a growl sounded from his eyes? In the last few sentences, "sheriffs" should be "sheriff's" and "California" should be capitalized. Also, at the end of the story, you switch from present tense to past tense. I would suggest changing it to present tense to keep it fluid with the rest of the story. Finally, I would suggest separating the story into different paragraphs to make it an easier read.
Overall: This was a good piece that would be much better after a thorough edit.
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: I enjoyed reading this emotional poem. I'm sure that many of us can relate to the feeling that we'll never be able to stop crying until saved by the one we love. I think your repetition of the title worked well in this piece, stressing the importance of getting what you wanted. Good job.
My Suggestions: First of all, I found that the seventh line was a bit off, because you changed "I'll cry" to "I will cry" in that line, and that made the flow of the poem a little off for me. In the eleventh line, "until" is spelled incorrectly. You used the word "weak" at the end of the eleventh line and at the beginning of the twelfth line. I would suggest omitting it in the twelfth line. In the thirteenth line, "because" and "now" are spelled incorrectly. In the fifteenth line, "until" is spelled incorrectly.
Overall: This is a good poem that would be even better after a quick edit.
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts and Suggestions: I found it difficult to fully understand and appreciate this piece because of the grammatical, mechanical and typographical errors. First of all, you should insert a space after every comma in this piece. Next, I will go into detail of the errors I saw in the first paragraph to give you an idea of what I mean. In the first sentence, "computer" should be "computers" and "has" should be "have". Also, in this sentence, you refer to "its benefits". It is unclear to me what "its" refers to. I would omit "to say" in the second sentence. Since you're referring to nature AND fullness in this sentence, "is" should be "are". Also in that sentence, "and" is spelled incorrectly. In the third sentence, "computer" should be "computers". Also in this sentence "adventurous" is spelled in correctly. Finally, I think "easy living" would fit better than "easy going" in this sentence.
Overall: This is a great topic, and your essay would be much more informative and easy to read after a thorough edit.
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: This is a great spin on the Friday the 13th movies. The story was very interesting, and the first person narration worked perfectly for it. The character was believable, and I actually started to feel empathy for him. The ending took me by total surprise. The thought of those movies never crossed my mind as I read, but after the revelation, I was wondering why they hadn't. Good job!
My Suggestions: A comma should be inserted after "Initially" in the first sentence of the second paragraph. In the second sentence of that paragraph, "overtime" should be changed to "over time". In the following sentence, a comma should be inserted after "first". In the third sentence of the third paragraph, the word "that" should be inserted between "in" and "there". In the eighth paragraph, fourth sentence, "hide" should be "hid" since the rest of the story is told in past tense.
Overall: I really enjoyed this short story and and look forward to reading more!
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: I enjoyed reading this depressing story. It adequately depicts how many lives can change in a matter of seconds following one uninformed decision. I like the topic you chose for the story as I think it is an issue that needs to be addressed. I also like the tragic way you ended the story. It was an unexpected twist.
My Suggestions: First of all, I would suggest changing the rating of this story from "E", because there's a curse word in it and because of subject matter. Half way through the story, the comma after "strong shots" should be omitted. I would also suggest that you 'show' rather than just 'tell' the story. Reveal more of the character's emotions. Don't just tell that he hated something. Show it with your words. Also, this would be such a good story to expand upon and tell the narrator's feelings, maybe describe the accident in greater detail as well as his mental and emotional decline following the accident.
Overall: I enjoyed this read and hope you decide to expand it!
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: I enjoyed reading this haunting story. You adequately described the scene and created the theme of darkness and solitude. It was easy to imagine the scene and the feelings as described them. The last part took me by surprise, because I hadn't guessed that the narrator was a vampire. Good job!
My Suggestions: A comma should be inserted after "night" in the first sentence. "see" is spelled incorrectly a few sentences later. "destined" is spelled incorrectly in the first sentence of the second paragraph. In the second sentence of that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "surprise". "a lone" should be "alone" in the second paragraph and also in the story's description. In the last paragraph, "stocked" should be "stalked". The second sentence of the last paragraph should be combined with the third sentence by change the period to a comma. A few sentences later, a comma should be inserted after "again".
Overall: This was a good story and would be even better after a quick edit. I look forward to reading more!
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: I think there are legitimately people out there would would ask such a question. In fact, I have met them. This was an interesting story. I always enjoy stories about humorous things that take place at work, and this was a good one. You gave sufficient background to inform the reader of what your job entails and then told about a specific comical situation that happened. Even though the piece was short, you gave adequate character description, informing the reader of the teasing and joking between coworkers. I enjoyed it.
My Suggestions: I would omit the comma in the second sentence. In the third sentence, I would change "computers" to "computer" since you're talking about each person's computer. I would insert a comma after "table" in the last sentence of the first paragraph.
I believe the following sentence: "The technical support staff had strict instructions to not bother us unless the customer calling in with the problem was so technical that there was no other choice." would be easier to understand if you said, "The technical support staff had strict instructions not to bother us unless the problem the customer was calling in with was so technical, there was no other choice."
I would omit the commas in the first and second sentences of the fourth paragraph. I would insert a comma after "day" in the first sentence of the next-to-last paragraph.
Overall: Thank you for sharing this humorous story. I look forward to reading more!
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: This is a terrific start to a story! The character is believable, and you chose a good setting for the beginning of the story. The story immediately captured my interest, and this is written in one of my favorite genres. This blurb has me anxious to see why Greg is having so many problems with the women in his life! I like your descriptive writing style, and I was able imagine the scene that you described. Great job!
My Suggestions: In the second paragraph, "corner" is spelled incorrectly. In the second sentence of that paragraph, when you're describing the liquid, I would put more emphasis on why he scowled. Perhaps you could describe it as "the burning liquid". In the fourth paragraph, "regretted" is spelled incorrectly. Also, in the story's description, you omitted the word "with" between "people" and "respect".
Overall: I enjoyed this little peek into the life of Greg Holiday, and I look forward to reading the completed story!
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: I needed a good laugh tonight, and you provided just that. VERY creative use of the prompt! I know how difficult it can be to tell a complete, coherent story in 300 words or less, and you made it seem effortless. The fast paced story captured my interest right away, and I was completely surprised by the ending and the way the prompt was used. Excellent job!
My Suggestions: The period after the second sentence should be changed to a question mark since it's asking a question. I would insert a comma after "station" in the third paragraph. In that same sentence, "aisles" is spelled incorrectly. In the next-to-last paragraph, since it's pretty obvious that Michael is the one talking, I would change the sentence to "Michael then realized..." I would also insert a space between the two sentences in that paragraph.
Overall: I really enjoyed reading this humorous story, and I look forward to reading more of your work!
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: I loved this sweet little story! I think it would be perfect for young children. You tell a simple, easy to read tale about the budding friendship between a little duck and a kitten after the kitten helped the duck in its time of need. The ending was perfect when the friends were reunited. Terrific job!
My Suggestions: I suggest changing the comma after "Shyann" to a period in the first sentence and starting a new sentence with "She was a sweet..." In the next sentence, I would insert a comma after "day". In the second paragraph, first sentence, I would insert a comma after "barn". I think you use "the kitten" too much in the last paragraph. I would suggest giving the kitten a name in a previous part of the story so you could refer to it by name sometimes.
Overall: This was an excellent children's story that would be even better after a quick edit. I look forward to reading more!
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: This is a thought provoking piece in which you make some VERY good points. I don't know that anyone could read this and not agree with at least some of what you said. You chose an interesting topic and gave thorough opinions on the same with valid points to back them up. Great job!
My Suggestions: The second sentence of the second paragraph should end with a question mark instead of a period. Later in that sentence, I would set "after some time" off with commas. In the last sentence of that paragraph, "wrong and do so" should be "wrong to do so". In the third paragraph, second sentence, I would insert a comma after "likely". In the next sentence, I would insert a comma after "1970's". In the first sentence of the last paragraph, the word "of" should be omitted. I would set "though" off with commas in the next sentence, and I would set "in matters personal and private" off with commas in the next sentence.
Overall: I enjoyed reading about your opinion on this topic, and I look forward to checking out more of your work!
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: This is an interesting story. Your descriptive writing style made me hold my breath in anticipation of what would happen with the deer. You chose an interesting topic and held interest of the reader throughout. I am not a hunter, but you helped me to see why hunters find killing a deer so rewarding. I particularly like the way you ended the story on a humorous note. Good job!
My Suggestions: In the first sentence, "It's" should be "Its" since you're not trying to say "It is". The second sentence is a sentence fragment. I would suggest adding a verb to make this a complete sentence. I would omit the comma after "felt" in the third sentence and change "it's" to "its" for the same reason previously stated. The last sentence of the first paragraph is also a sentence fragment. I would suggest incorporating it into the previous sentence. I would omit the semicolon in the second paragraph. In the second sentence of that paragraph, I would change "every one" to "everyone" and change "no ones" to "no one's" or "no one has" in that sentence. I would also suggest writing "male stag" with no capitalization, since it isn't a proper noun.
Overall: This is a good story that would be much better after a quick edit. I look forward to reading more of your work!
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: I loved this little humorous poem. You adequately described what would be considered a disastrous day for a child. It took me back to the days when a snow day off school seemed to make everything better. I particularly like the way you made the last word of every line rhyme. Great job!
My Suggestions: Despite my best efforts, the only suggestion I can come up with is to consider omitting the word "day" from the second line. The rest of the poem makes it obvious that you are talking about one particular day, and I think its use in that line is superfluous. I saw no grammatical, mechanical or typographic errors.
Overall: Terrific poem! I look forward to reading more of your work.
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: This was short and to the point, but it leaves a lasting impression. All too often, people are so caught up in their worries and complaints, they forget to count their blessings. This piece reminds them to do so and urges them not to take their precious lives for granted. I particularly like your statement "someone who can only see the shadows casted by all the blessings..." Great job!
My Suggestions: In the second sentence, "just" is spelled incorrectly and "overconfident" is one word. Also, "guaranteed" is spelled incorrectly in that sentence. In the third sentence, "I" should be capitalized, and I would set "just like everyone else" off with commas. In the next sentence, I would change "Everyday" to "Every day". In the next sentence, "Its so sad..." should be "It's so sad..."
Overall: This is a good piece that would be even better after a quick edit. I look forward to reading more of your work!
My Thoughts: This is a sweet little poem about a bird. Your descriptive writing made it easy to picture the bird as I was reading. The underlying story tells a tale of a dreary day made a little brighter by the colorful bird's song even though the tune is sad. The poem could be interpreted in a number of ways according to the mood of the reader. Great job!
My Suggestions: I am confused as to why the first and third lines rhyme in the first line of the poem, but throughout the rest of the poem, the second and fourth lines rhyme. I would suggest either changing it for fluidity or specifying at the end of the poem what type it is. In the fourth line, I would change "gloomiest" to "gloomy" to make the poem read more fluidly. In the last line of the poem, "birds" should be "bird's" since you're attempting to show possession. Likewise, in the title of the poem, "birds" should be "bird's".
Overall: This was a lovely poem, and I enjoyed the read. Thanks for listing it on the review request page!
My Thoughts: This is an excellent poem! You described the jester in such a way to make any reader relate to and appreciate him. The rhyme scheme you used was perfect, and the underlying story is wrought with emotion. Though I know relatively little about poetry, I know enough to see that this poem is excellent! I can easily see why the poem is graced with the ribbon.
My Suggestions: Despite my best efforts, the only suggestion I can make is to consider omitting the comma in the last line of the eighth verse after "them".
Overall: I really loved this poem, and I look forward to reading more. May you could teach me more about poetry.
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: I loved this short story. Your descriptive writing made it easy to imagine the sweet sounds of the piano that were coming from the apartment next door. I like the way you incorporated the older couple into the story. For some reason, until they kept referring to "son," I imagined that the narrator was female. I especially like the way the story ended. Good job!
My Suggestions: In the first sentence, I would change the semicolon to a comma. In the second paragraph, I kept going over the sentence "Terror flowed through me like blood." Since blood is flowing through you regardless, I don't think that sentence is quite right. I would suggest changing it to something besides blood, but of course, that's just my preference. In the third paragraph, third sentence, I would insert a comma after "day".
Overall: I thoroughly enjoyed this read and look forward to checking out more of your work!
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: This is a good story that children are likely to love. Mr. Wolf and Mr. Rabbit are interesting characters, and the writing is very kid friendly. The plot is something that kids would surely be able to relate to, and the lesson taught by the story is valuable. Great job!
My Suggestions: In the first sentence, I would set "looking out of his window" off with commas. In the first sentence of the fifth paragraph, "than" should be "then". In the next sentence, I would insert a comma after "taste". In the first sentence of the sixth paragraph, I would insert a comma after "ready". In the next sentence, I would insert a comma after "sun". A few paragraphs later, I would set "looking at each other" off with commas. In the last paragraph, I would omit the words "Try to" from the first sentence.
Overall: I enjoyed reading this little story, and I look forward to checking out more of your work!
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: This is a good idea for a work that I'm sure many of us can relate to. You vividly describe the feelings of one in deep despair, questioning his own existence. Relating the feelings to being trapped is excellent, and you described it in such a way that the reader could actually 'feel' what you were expressing. Great job!
My Suggestions: I would move the comma in the first sentence from after "every" to after "movement". A little later, I would change "never again did you allow anyone..." to "never would you allow anyone..." In the first sentence of the second paragraph, I would change "Trapped are you" to "You are trapped". In the next sentence, "failures" is spelled incorrectly. In the middle of that paragraph, I would insert a period after "escape" and start a new sentence with "You cannot run..." In that same paragraph, "futilously" is not a word. In the last sentence of that paragraph, I would insert a comma after "try". In the last paragraph, "willing" is spelled incorrectly. So is "unfortunately". Finally "disappointment" and "exist" are spelled incorrectly.
Overall: This is a good story that would be much better after a quick edit.
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: This is a thought provoking piece about the questions and uncertainties in life. You adequately depict the problems one faces when searching for truth as well as the knowledge gained while doing so. The fact that more questions arise with each answer is well stated and so true!
My Suggestions: In the second paragraph, "according" is spelled incorrectly. In the third paragraph, "require" should be "required". In the fifth paragraph, I would change "Why I got this life?" to "Why do I have this life?" In the next paragraph, "may be" should be "maybe". Next paragraph, "talking someone" should be "talking to someone". Next paragraph, every word ("Kung Fu Panda") should be capitalized in the movie title. Same paragraph, "which means its you who has to found real you." should be changed to "which means it's you who has to find the real you." Next paragraph, "than" should be "then". A few paragraphs later, I would change "you got to know that nice blood waves are flowing in your vain." to "you have to know that nice blood is flowing in your veins."
Overall: This is a good piece that would be even better after a quick edit.
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: Very interesting venture into the brain of a writer. You provided excellent detail that I'm sure many us can relate to. I like your descriptive writing style, and I really enjoyed this piece!
My Suggestions: You refer to "the writer" throughout the piece, but you often go on to describe the writer as "them" or "they". I would suggest editing for consistence. Also, in the next-to-last sentence, "writers" should be "writer's".
Overall: This is a good piece that would be even better after a quick edit. I look forward to reading more.
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: This is a very thought provoking essay. You chose an interesting topic for the essay that most for which most readers can easily relate. You give some great examples and then follow with your thoughts on the matter. You also begin giving some adequate reasons for your opinion, but the essay ends prematurely.
My Suggestions: First of all, I would suggest completing the essay. You leave it rather open, not even adding punctuation at the end. There are several misspelled words in the essay. These words are as follows: glorious, deceived, personalities, and incessantly.
Overall: I enjoyed reading this informative essay and look forward to checking out more of your work.
First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!
My Thoughts: You packed a lot of information in this short description. It looks as though your book will have a little something for everyone. The description was very interesting and informative, and it has me looking forward to reading the book. Good job!
My Suggestions: First of all, this would be much easier to read if you wouldn't capitalize the first letter of every word. Moving on to content: In the first sentence, "life" should be "lives" because you're speaking of more than one life. In the second sentence, "threw" should be "through". A comma should be inserted between "boyfriend" and "girlfriend". The word "at" should be omitted following "where it starts". "Weather" should be spelled "Whether".
Overall: This is a good description that would be much better after a quick edit.
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: I can see a sequel coming on...at least I hope there will be. I love stories about the supernatural, and this was a very good one. You created an interesting character as well as the perfect scene. Lady Hanna was a good addition to the story. Although it ended rather abruptly, as I said before, I hope there will be a second part.
My Suggestions: I would insert a comma after "part" and another comma after "up" in the second sentence. "overreaching" is one word. In the second paragraph, "mistresses" should be "mistress's" because you're showing possession. There should be a comma after "chambers" in that sentence. In the next sentence, I would insert a comma after "growing". In the next sentence, there should be a comma after "Hanna". In the first sentence of the third paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "still". In the last sentence of that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "moment" and another comma inserted after "power".
Overall: This is a good story that would be even better after a quick edit. I look forward to seeing more of your work!
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: This is a great short story. You describe the character's turmoil well, thoroughly relating her feelings in few words. The poetic style in which you wrote this piece suits it well. Finally, I think the story ended perfectly. Great job!
My Suggestions: In the fifth sentence of the first paragraph, "reckon with" should be "reckoned with." In the forth paragraph, I would change "ground" to "floor" since the character is not outside. In that same paragraph, "disturb" should be "disturbed."
Overall: I really enjoyed this story and look forward to reading more of your work!
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