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First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: This is an excellent idea for a story. You have provided adequate background and enough description to set a somewhat eerie scene. A relationship that begins with stalking cannot turn out well, and you have me anxious to find out what happens between Jill and Adam. Great job!
My Suggestions: I would omit "her" from the first sentence of the second paragraph, because the context of the sentence makes it obvious that it's her that's performing the action. In the second sentence "Adams" should be "Adam's." I would change "had seen" to "saw" and omit the comma in the first sentence of the third paragraph. In the first sentence of the fourth paragraph, "had began" should be "had begun." In the sixth paragraph, "brothers" should be "brother's." "tyre" should be "tire". In the seventh paragraph, "Adams" should be "Adam's". In the twelfth paragraph, "hoped" should be "hopped".
Overall: I really enjoyed this short story and am looking forward to reading about Stage Two!
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts and Suggestions: This is a nice story that evidences how much you love you girlfriend. Your love and desire for her really shine through in this piece. As I read, I wondered why she is no longer near you and you're only left to dream about her. It would be great if you would expand this piece to inform the reader of what led to this long distance relationship. Also, you dated the letter "January 24, 1863," yet you mentioned texting her. Since texting wasn't an option during that time period, I would suggest that you either change the date or change the reference to texting.
I would also suggest that you do a thorough edit to correct errors in grammar, spelling and punctuation in this story. There were a few instances where you didn't capitalize the first words of sentences. There were also some run-on sentences. For example, in the first sentence, you say, "It was one of those dreams, it was about her..." The sentence is currently a run-on sentence. It could be remedied by either separating it into two complete sentences - "It was one of those dreams. It was about her." I think it would sound better, however, to change it to "It was one of those dreams about her."
Overall: This is a good story that would be much better after a complete edit.
My Thoughts: This is great idea for a horror story. The story is rather original, and you did a great job telling it with a limited amount of words. However, there wasn't enough character description to help me relate to Hannah. If you want to continue to limit the amount of words while providing more complete descriptions, I would suggest that you focus more on the character than the knife sharpening.
My Suggestions: First of all, in the description of the story, I would change "unexpectantly" to "unexpectedly." In the second paragraph, I would omit the comma after "lights." In the sixth paragraph, "The waitress said..." should be "the waitress asked..." In the ninth paragraph, I would insert a comma after "delicious."
Overall: I enjoyed reading this short story, and I look forward to seeing more of your work!
First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!
My Thoughts: This is a good start to a story. You adequately introduced the main character, Avril, and gave enough information about her and her family to pique the reader's interest. Even though you have not yet addressed the story set forth in the description, you have given a great introduction to the characters and their background.
My Suggestions: In the first sentence, "set" should be "sat" since the rest of the story is in past tense. In the fifth sentence, "dads" should be "dad's". Next sentence, "hes" should be "he's". I would insert "was" between "hair" and "a". I would change "these days" to "those days". "glance" should be "glanced" since the rest of the story is told in past tense. Later in the story, "He knows what hes doing" should be "He knew what he was doing.
Overall: This is a good story that would be even better after a quick edit.
First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!
My Thoughts: This poem adequately describes the consequences when one often acts on impulse. I'm sure that many of us can relate to at least one aspect of this poem. I like the style in which you wrote, and I think the poem flows smoothly. You picked an interesting topic and created a good poem. Great job!
My Suggestions: I would suggest changing "of" to "between" in the first line. In the third line, "your" should be changed to "you're". I would insert "of" after "most" in the sixth line. In the tenth line, I would insert the word "are" between "and" and "now".
Overall: I enjoyed reading this poem. I can already tell you're going to be a wonderful addition to the WDC community!
My Thoughts: Wow! You told a terrific story using less than one hundred words. After reading the first sentence, I thought, "Oh, she misses her boyfriend." Reading on, I realized I was half right. I'm a sucker for stories in the horror and thriller genres, and this one did not disappoint. I could easily imagine the horrid scene that you described. Great job! I would love to read a longer work that you created in this genre.
My Suggestions: Despite my best efforts, the only error I could find was that "refrigerator" is spelled incorrectly. The story is otherwise perfect.
Overall: Thank you for sharing this little flash of horror. I look forward to reading more!
My Thoughts: This is a good idea for a story. Even though the piece is rather short, it is full of emotion. The first person narrative that you chose works well with this piece. This would be something you could easily expand upon, telling about other instances in the character's life or even telling more about the character's experiences with Michael.
My Suggestions: Errors were rampant in this story. I'll address the first few lines to give you an idea. In the first sentence, a comma should be inserted after "life". A period should be inserted after "loner." "I never have..." should be "I have never had..." and a period should be inserted after the first instance of "friend" and "The only friend..." should be a separate sentence. "I'm" should be capitalized. A period should be inserted after "two jobs" and "I never see him" should be a separated sentence.
Overall: This is a good story that would be much better after a thorough edit. I would be glad to review again after you edit the story.
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: I loved this comical little poem! I'm sure that most of us can relate all too well to have a mountain of debt. This poem takes some of the sting out of it and allows us to look at in a more comical way. I like your rhyme scheme; the poem flows smoothly. I actually chuckled when I read it.
My Suggestions: The last line in the first verse, "I owe. I owe. So it's off to work I go" fits well, but it's unoriginal...I have seen it on many bumper stickers. I would suggest that you consider changing this line to something more original.
Overall: I thoroughly enjoyed this funny poem. Thanks for sharing!
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: This is a very interesting, original story. I like the concept here. It was one that I hadn't read before. You created interesting characters and gave enough description to allow me to become interested in the story. I really liked the twist at the end. I'm a sucker for stories with a twist, and you did an excellent job.
My Suggestions: In the first paragraph, you say "and none else." I believe you meant to say "and nothing else." I would omit the word "out" from the third sentence. Same sentence, "I watching" should be "I am watching." In the last sentence, I would set "causing her to do what she did" off with commas.
Overall: I enjoyed your story, and I look forward to reading more!
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: This story made me want to hold myself out as being able to read tea leaves! Excellent job. Even though the story was rather short, you managed to create a perfect setting, two believable characters, and the ending couldn't have been better. The story was original and believable, and I like your writing style.
My Suggestions: I would insert a comma after "Already" in the last sentence of the first paragraph. In the ninth paragraph, second sentence, I would insert a comma after "time". Despite my best efforts, I saw no further errors in grammar, spelling or punctuation.
Overall: I really enjoyed this short story and look forward to reading more of your work!
My Thoughts: I love the way you compared your writing process to the process of making taffy. Your descriptions are excellent! My favorite part was where you talked about tasting your words, like taffy, before you write them. Finally, I love the way you ended the story, going back to the beginning with a different thought. You have an exceptional writing style!
My Suggestions: I suggest changing the semicolon in the last sentence of the first paragraph to a comma. In the next-to-last paragraph, I would insert a period after "talk" in the first sentence.
Overall: I thoroughly enjoyed this wonderful read and look forward to reading more of your work!
First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!
My Thoughts: You packed quite a bit of emotion into such a short poem! You adequately conveyed your frustration and dismay and the disappointment that you felt. You set the right mood for the poem, and I enjoyed reading it.
My Suggestions: The first line doesn't flow well with the poem. You start by referring to the person whom the poem is about as "they" but transition to "you" in subsequent lines. I would rewrite the first line to reflect that. I would suggest changing "sunk in you" to "sunk into you." In the fifth line, "somethings" should be "some things". In the sixth line, there should be a space between "over" and "time".
Overall: I enjoyed reading this emotion filled poem, and I look forward to reading more.
My Thoughts: You say in the description that this story isn't finished, but despite some editing issues that I pointed out below, I think you have a complete story here. You adequately describe the setting and the main character, and you describe her problem in detail. I the story has a great ending. Good job!
My Suggestions: In the first sentence, "supposed" is spelled incorrectly. I would insert a comma after "began" in the second paragraph. In the second paragraph, you have "think tha tused". This should be "think that she used". In the third paragraph, I would change the comma after "vein" to a period and begin a new sentence with "pushing". I would change "lied" to "lie" and "aways" to "away".
Overall: This was a good story that would be even better after a quick edit!
My Thoughts: This is just the kind of story I love! You have a believable character and a wonderful, exciting and mysterious plot. From what I read, I am very anxious to see why people would want to avoid Alana. I guess you'll have to write more to answer that question!
My Suggestions: In the second sentence, I believe you mean "scrapes" instead of "scapes." Second paragraph, first sentence, "accustom" should be "accustomed." Third paragraph, "decided" should be "decide".
Overall: I really enjoyed this blurb and look forward to reading the completed work!
My Thoughts: Wow! You packed quite a bit of emotion into this short piece. I know how difficult it can be to tell a complete, coherent story using a limited number of words, and you made it seem effortless. You chose an original scene, and you adequately described the characters. Your descriptive writing style made my tension build as I read this. Great job!
My Suggestions: I would suggest italicizing the thoughts that Gabriel had to help the reader distinguish them from the rest of the story. Also in the last paragraph, she actually screams whereas in the other paragraphs, she is only speaking internally. Does she really scream aloud in front of the entire class, or is the scream internal as well? Also, "breathe" is spelled incorrectly in the fifth paragraph.
Overall: Great story! I look forward to reading more of your work!
My Thoughts: This is a very interesting story. You have left me anxious to read more and find out what happens between these two people! You did a good job of creating both characters and making them interesting to the reader. I can tell that this story is just a small snippet of what's to come, and I will definitely be reading the further adventures!
My Suggestions: In the fourth paragraph, my suggestions are as follows: "she could be in her twenties, thirties for forties, depending upon how she chose to present herself. I would change "looked at his direction" to "looked in his direction". In the next to last sentence, I would change "her" to "hers". I would change "recognised" to "recognized".
Overall: Thank you for this interesting read. I look forward to the continuation!
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: This is a great, rather original idea for a story. You did a good job of describing James and giving details of some of the problems he has faced in his life thus far. The other characters you introduced were interesting as well and will likely make for some interesting conflicts for James in later chapters. You gave a lot of description in a short piece. Good job!
My Suggestions: I would insert a comma after "born" in the second sentence of the second paragraph. In that same sentence, I would insert "asked" after "and." Rather than write the numbers when referring to ages, I would write the actual word. For example, instead of 4, I would write four. "no where" should be "nowhere". In the fifth sentence, "stayed" shouldn't be capitalized. "a orphanage" should be "an orphanage." "none the less" should be written "nonetheless". In the last sentence of the second paragraph, I would change "haven't had" to "didn't have" since the rest of the story is told in past tense. A period should be inserted after the last sentence of the third paragraph.
Overall: I enjoyed the read and look forward to seeing further chapters!
First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!
My Thoughts: This is a well-written story with a rather original theme. You did a good job of creating a believable character and of describing his problem. You also provided an adequate ending.
My Suggestions: In the fourth paragraph, "He gone willingly" should be "He had gone willingly." In the fifth paragraph, "He was had" should be changed to "He had." I would also suggest changing the rating of this story to 18 since it has material that may not be suitable for 13+ readers.
Overall: Good story! I can already tell you're going to be a great addition to the WDC community!
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: I enjoyed this very descriptive piece. You made it easy to imagine the desolate scene that you described. You used a great variation of words to depict the chaotic scene. Great job!
My Suggestions: In the third sentence, "It's" should be "Its" since you're not trying to say "It is." In the fourth sentence, I would change "on to" to "onto." In the sixth sentence, I would change "in to" to "into." I would insert a comma after "land" in the ninth sentence. You kept the entire story in present tense and then changed to past in the last few sentences. I would suggest changing those sentences toward the end to reflect past tense.
Overall: I liked this story and look forward to reading more of your work!
My Thoughts: Great story. You developed the main character very well. I love the way you related the ending back to the first paragraph. You provided a lot of detail in a rather short piece, allowing the reader to adequately picture the scene as you describe it.
My Suggestions: I would insert a comma after "ears" in the second sentence. The third-from-last sentence in the first paragraph is extremely long. I suggest shortening in into two or more separate sentences. Same for the first sentence of the second paragraph.
Overall: I really enjoyed this great read. Write on!
My Thoughts: I loved this story. I noticed the words that were obviously prompts, and you did an excellent job of incorporating them in the story. You did a great job of bringing Bob to life, and I could easily imagine the scenes as you described. I loved his choice of weapons and thought it brought a bit of humor to the story. Finally, I like the way you left the reader hanging!
My Suggestions: I would suggest expanding this story now that the contest is over. I see so many areas that could be elaborated, from the can of prune juice to the conversation with the coworker to the meeting with the boss.
Overall: Thank you for sharing this. I thoroughly enjoyed it!
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: I visited your port and saw that you enjoy writing flash fiction in the horror genre. That's my favorite as well. I must say that you did a good job on this one. You were able to create an interesting and coherent story using few words. Your idea was original, and I really enjoyed the read.
My Suggestions: In the beginning, from your description, I imagined that the rabbit was hanging quite high in the air. Then, you made it seem so easy for the boys to stab it. I would suggest reconsidering the description of "over their heads"in the first sentence.
Overall: I really liked this short, well written story, and I look forward to reading more of your work.
My Thoughts: I really enjoyed this story. The way it was written made it easy to imagine the flood of emotions of both characters. And I like the way you told part of the story from each character's perspective. Finally, I LOVED the fact that you provided alternate endings. I would definitely choose the second.
My Suggestions: In the first paragraph, I would change both instances of "She never knew..." to "She didn't know..." In the second paragraph, I would omit the comma before "Mary." It appears that you were trying to italicize the fourth paragraph, but it didn't work. I would suggest redoing. A couple of the periods in the fifth paragraph should be commas. In the ninth paragraph, I would change "mind" to "minds." I would change "early" to "earlier" in the tenth paragraph. In the first ending, I would change "but knowing" to "but knew". I would also change "live in a life" to "live a life". In the second ending, I would also change "early" to "earlier".
Overall: Great read! I look forward to reading more of your work.
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: This is a lovely story that tells of the effects of the loss of a loved one on a holiday get-together. I love how you introduced the different characters and told of what each of them did to contribute to the story. I especially liked when the youngest started singing "Amazing Grace", quickly to be joined by the rest of the family. The ending you chose was perfect, showing that, although a loved one is gone, she lives on in the hearts of the rest of the family. Good job!
My Suggestions: I suggest capitalizing the word "Thanksgiving" in the first sentence. I would change "taking" to "takes" in the fourth sentence; otherwise, this is an incomplete sentence. In the last sentence of the first paragraph, I would change "was" to "is", because the rest of the story is told in present tense. I would change the semicolon in the last sentence of the second paragraph to a comma. In the third sentence of the third paragraph, I would change "setting sun's" to "setting sun." In the next sentence, I would omit the comma before "now." A few sentences later, I would change "ground" to "floor". Near the end of that paragraph, "grandpa's" should be "grandpas" since you're not trying to show possession. In the last sentence, "in anticipation for" should be "in anticipation of". Also in this paragraph, be careful of staying in present tense. In a couple of sentences ("was a soft whisper" "small talk continued"), you went to past tense. In the last paragraph, I would change "Snores are heard and soft sighs." to "Snores and soft sighs are heard."
Overall: This is a good story that would be even better after a quick edit. Also, I'd love to read more about Lilly and find out what happened to her!
My Thoughts: Awww, man! I loved this story until the ending. I imagined it ending in several different ways, particularly with Mr. Sanders shooting Suzanne. I normally like a story that leaves the reader hanging, but this was a bit of a disappointment for me. Nevertheless, I can't deny that the story was extremely well written, and it had me on the edge of my seat throughout.
My Suggestions: I suggest inserting a comma after "unlawfully" in the first sentence. In the second paragraph, I would insert commas in the following places: First sentence, after "latched" and fourth sentence, after "visit". Also, the last sentence of that paragraph is a sentence fragment. To avoid this, I suggest changing the period after "hair" to a comma and continuing that sentence with the fragment.
Overall: I love your writing style in this genre and look forward to reading more!
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I loved this story. I noticed the words that were obviously prompts, and you did an excellent job of incorporating them in the story. You did a great job of bringing Bob to life, and I could easily imagine the scenes as you described. I loved his choice of weapons and thought it brought a bit of humor to the story. Finally, I like the way you left the reader hanging!