Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/outoftouch/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/17
First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!
My Thoughts: This is a nice poem, alerting the reader that self pity gets us nowhere. I like the way you described those who are feeling sorry for themselves as well as the poem's overall message. Great job!
My Suggestions: I would suggest that you insert periods at the end of sentences and change "&" to "and". I think those changes would make the poem read more fluidly.
Overall: I really enjoyed this poem, and I can already tell you'll make a great addition to the WDC community!
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: This is an excellent idea for a story. You did a great job of stressing the character's fascination with eyes throughout the story. Then, at the end, you told of the horror that the fascination could lead to. I really liked the story, and I especially liked the inference at the end.
My Suggestions: I can appreciate how you wanted to stress things at times with a sentence fragment, but I think you have too many of them in this piece. I would suggest editing to reduce the number of sentence fragments. I would also suggest putting the statement of the guy in your first period class in quotation marks.
Overall: You wrote a great, very interesting short story, and I really enjoyed the read!
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: This story adequately depicts how people can lose their head when they become somewhat famous and ignore or mistreat those who care about them. It also serves as a reminder that the fame may not always be there, but neither will those loved ones (or unloved ones, as the story suggests). The ending was great and fitting.
My Suggestions: There are several instances in which you had run-on sentences or sentence fragments. For example, I would consider the first sentence a run-on sentence. I would suggest a quick edit to separate these into different sentences to make the story read more smoothly. I would suggest changing "that too were now declining" to "those, too, were now declining." In the following sentence, "her" is spelled incorrectly. Toward the end of the story, I would change "addiction of fame" to "addiction to fame".
Overall: I enjoyed this story and the message it relates, and I think it would be even better after a quick edit.
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: You succeeded in getting a lot of punch into this short story! The plot was excellent, and I loved the ending. I'm a sucker for a twist at the end, and this story was right up my alley!
My Suggestions: I'm not sure I like the repetition in the first four sentences. I would suggest that you consider editing to omit a few of the "She is hiding"s.
Overall: I enjoyed reading this short story, and I really like your writing style.
My Thoughts: I enjoyed this short, but complete, story. It was a good idea for a story, and I think you made good use of the prompts. I especially liked the ending and Barney's lack of concern about the incident. Good job!
My Suggestions: I would suggest inserting a period after "road" in the second paragraph. Also, in the second paragraph, the thoughts seem a bit too muddled together. I would suggest editing this paragraph for clarity.
Overall: I enjoyed reading this story and look forward to seeing more of your work!
My Thoughts: I loved the idea behind this story. The title and the story's beginning set the mood for a mystery, perhaps a serial killer. I did have it figured out after a bit, but the mysterious way in which you wrote it still made me have my doubts. The ending was perfect. You wrote a terrific, thorough story in very few words!
My Suggestions: In the fifth paragraph, I would suggest changing "fore" to "for". In the seventh paragraph, "eerily" is spelled incorrectly.
Overall: I love your writing style and really enjoyed this story!
My Thoughts: This is a beautiful, emotion filled letter from a mother to her deceased daughter. You made it easy to empathize with the mother who lost her young child. You also made it clear that the mother continued to mourn the loss of her daughter to the point that it was strongly affecting her life. Good job!
My Suggestions: I would suggest omitting "if you lived" from the first sentence. In the fifth sentence, it should read "...so many years have passed..." I would omit "like" from the sentence "How is it like up there?"
Overall: I enjoyed reading this lovely letter, and I look forward to reading more of your work1
My Thoughts: You told a terrific, complete story in very few words. I know how difficult that can be, and you made it seem effortless. I'm also a big fan of the dark/psychological genre, so I also enjoyed the story in that respect.
My Suggestions: You said Hector had been forced to live next door to his sister for 18 years. I think that made it sound more like she was a neighbor of his rather than a member of the same household. I would suggest editing this for clarity.
Overall: I like your writing style, I liked the idea here, and I loved the story. I look forward to reading more of your work!
First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!
My Thoughts: This is a sweet tribute to a significant other. You set out your feelings very well. However, I wonder about the first line. If it has already been proven so many times that love is fake, then how can you claim that you love this person? It seems a bit contradictory.
My Suggestions: As stated above, I would rethink the first sentence. In the second verse, I would suggest changing "You fill my day after day..." to "You fill my days..." Next line, I would change "doubts for love" to "doubts about love". Next line should read "the ways you make me feel Let me know..."
Overall: This is a very sweet tribute, and I enjoyed the read. I look forward to seeing more of your work!
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: You were able to tell an entire story in this short poem. The first three verses gave adequate background and description to prepare the roeader for a superb ending. I was actually saddened by the last line.
My Suggestions: I don't think the comma is needed in the third line.
Overall: I really enjoyed this lovely poem. Thanks for the excellent read!
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: I don't think this sounds sappy, but I'm probably a sap myself. I think the poem is a lovely sentiment to those people who have made a difference in your life. I love the way you describe so many things you have been through with your friends in such a short poem!
My Suggestions: I would suggest omitting the word "next" from the last line of the third verse. I think it would make the poem read more smoothly.
Overall: I enjoyed reading this lovely sentiment to those who have touched your life.
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: You packed a lot of emotion into a rather short poem. I think it adequately describes feelings related to the loss of a loved one. Your descriptive writing allowed me to feel the emotions as described.
My Suggestions: I would suggest that you omit the comma in the first line to make the poem read more smoothly.
Overall: Thank you for sharing this terrific poem. I really enjoyed the read.
My Thoughts: In response to your question in the review request forum, yes, this poem clearly states the way you feel. Unfortunately, I can relate to the frustration of lack of communication. As in your poem, no matter how much you care about someone, when you can't them to listen to you or, if you do get them to listen, they don't really hear what you say, a relationship is doomed. You did an excellent job of describing these feelings!
My Suggestions: In the first verse, I don't think "out" works as a rhyme with "thoughts". In the sixth verse, I would consider changing "How long my feelings locked away" to "And keep my feelings locked away" to make the poem read more fluidly.
Overall: I really enjoyed this poem, and I think you have a terrific writing style. I look forward to reading more of your work!
My Thoughts: This is a terrific story! With a limited word count, you told a complete story with (what I think was) a perfect ending. I could clearly imagine the scene, and I particularly like the way you described the character absentmindedly tracing raindrops on the windows as she talked on the phone. I could see someone doing just that.
My Suggestions: I don't like the line "Even with her admittance, she was accusatory." I don't think "accusatory" fits her. Maybe consider changing "accusatory" to "defensive"?
Overall: I think you did a great job with this, and I really enjoyed the read. Good luck with the contest!!
First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!
My Thoughts: This is a great optimistic poem filled with positivity. It looks as though you took a bad situation and found something positive! I am pleased to hear that, despite being recently diagnosed with cancer, you are now in good health!
My Suggestions: I would suggest omitting the space before the semicolon in the first line and adding a period at the end of the second verse.
Overall: I enjoyed reading your poem and can tell you're going to be a great addition to the WDC community!
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: This is an excellent piece! Although short, it was thorough, and you made a good worthwhile point. I'm sure that a lot of people don't realize what their biases can lead to and this piece adequately reminds them.
My Suggestions: I would suggest adding a few commas to make the story read more smoothly: second paragraph, last sentence, after "power" and third paragraph, third sentence, after "ice".
Overall: I enjoyed reading this well-written, thought provoking piece, and I look forward to reading more of your work!
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: You bring out a lot of good points that I would otherwise not think of. It really makes one think when you set them out like this in a well-written poem. I think it's great that you're attempting to bring this to public awareness.
My Suggestions: I would suggest changing the semicolons to commas to make the poem read more fluidly.
Overall: Thank you for sharing this thought provoking poem. I really enjoyed the read!
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: You packed a lot of emotion into this short poem. You adequately stated all the things you were grateful for in very descriptive words.
My Suggestions: I would suggest changing the semicolons after the first 3 lines to commas to make the poem read more smoothly.
Overall: This is a great first attempt at poetry! I know how difficult it can be to step outside of your comfort zone and write something new, and you did really well here!
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: You began the story by talking about your husband, that he had passed away and that your cat reminded you of him. You then proceeded to tell a story about a day in the life of you and your girlfriends from school. I can't see how the two were related. The story was interesting, but after the introductory paragraph, I was expecting you to talk more about your husband.
My Suggestions: Second sentence, "quite" should be "quiet". "With out" should be "without". Seventh line down, I would omit "of" from "of the year". Thirteenth line, "since" should be "sense". "perfer" should be "prefer" Third paragraph, "click of friends" should be "clique of friends". Fourth paragraph, "Catherine" is spelled incorrectly. Next paragraph, I would change the period after "priss" to a comma and add "which, in some cases, she was." to the end of that sentence. Same paragraph, "reluctantly" is spelled incorrectly. Next paragraph, "Her and Catherine" should be "She and Catherine". A couple of paragraphs down, "Throughout" is spelled incorrectly. Couple of paragraphs down, "high heals" should be "high heels". "down fall" should be "downfall". "...fine one tall enough" should be "find one tall enough". Fourth from last paragraph, "like a had earlier" should be "like I had earlier". Next to last paragraph, "opposite" is spelled incorrectly.
Overall: I enjoyed reading this story and learning more about you, and I think a quick edit would make the story a lot better.
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: This is a beautiful, heartfelt poem. Unfortunately, I have experienced those same feelings, and you described them perfectly. I could especially relate to the feeling of being alone, even in a roomful of loved ones. I love your writing style and, although I tried, I couldn't find any errors nor could I come up with any suggestions to make this better. Perfect.
First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!
My Thoughts: I really liked this cute story. I know how difficult it is to write a meaningful, coherent story with a word limitation and a prompt, and you did a terrific job! I especially like you told the story from the perspective of an ant - a great twist at the end.
I like your writing style, and I think you'll be an excellent addition to the WDC community. I look forward to reading more of your work!
First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!
My Thoughts: This is a lovely poem. I can only imagine how a parent feels as a child ventures into adulthood, but I think this poem adequately describes what those feelings must be.
My Suggestions: I think the poem would read more fluidly if you added the the word "The" as the first word of the second line. Also, in the fourth verse, I would insert a comma after the word "conviction".
Overall: I enjoyed reading your poem, and I think you will make a great addition to the WDC community!
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: This is a very good look into the head of a troubled teen, even if it is fictional. I imagine that many teens act out because of something similar to what happened to Josh in this story. Bravo to you for attempting to bring it to public awareness.
My Suggestions: In the 2nd sentence of the 1st paragraph, I would change "rested" to "resting". Toward the middle of the story, the word "I" should be omitted from "...as I the door to my room..."
Overall: I really enjoyed this short story, and I like your writing style. I look forward to reading more of your work!
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: Yes, it is a poem - a lovely one. I really enjoyed the mystery involved, and I was captivated from beginning to end. The bit of humor thrown in at the end was superb.
My Suggestions: The title "curiosity" is spelled incorrectly. I noticed this, because I always have trouble with that word, and I don't understand while the 'u' is dropped when changing from 'curious' to 'curiosity'. In the 4th verse, "serenity" is spelled incorrectly. In the next to last verse, "breathes" should be "breaths". In the next line, I would omit the word "in." Finally, I think the poem would read much more fluidly if, rather than putting a period after every line, you would only do so at the end of each sentence.
Overall: I enjoyed reading your poem and look forward to reading more of your work!
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: This is a cute, humorous, lighthearted poem. I like your writing style, and I enjoyed the read. You noted in the description that you are not a writer. I would have to disagree.
My Suggestions: In the 5th line and the last line, I would change "I'ld" to "I'd". In the 10th line, I would suggest that you insert spaces after each comma.
Overall: I enjoyed reading your poem and look forward to reading more of your work!
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/outoftouch/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/17
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.42 seconds at 7:21am on Apr 24, 2024 via server web2.
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Welcome to WDC from "
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
I'm participating in "
I think the poem is a lovely sentiment to those people who have made a difference in your life. I love the way you describe so many things you have been through with your friends in such a short poem!