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First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: I was captivated by the title of this story, and I was not disappointed with the read! I like the way you reminisced about the early part of your marriage, describing things that were important to you with great clarity. The story held my interest throughout, and I got chills when reading the ending.
My Suggestions: I would suggest changing "newly marries" in the first paragraph to "newlyweds". In the 6th paragraph, I would change "smash the beer bottles" to "stash the beer bottles". In the same paragraph, I would change "less then 10 minutes" to "less than 10 minutes".
Overall: I really enjoyed reading this, and I look forward to checking out more of your work!
You wrote a great short story in one of my favorite genres (horror). The story was interesting, and you adequately introduced Beth and later made it clear who Vhon was, as well as their relationship. You also made good use of the words from the prompt.
Throughout the story, you changed from past tense to present tense. A quick edit could solve this problem. Also, I would suggest not skipping so many lines between paragraphs, but that's just a personal preference.
Overall, you wrote a very interesting story, and I enjoyed the read.
I often wonder how people come up with their username, and it was nice to find this story. The humor you incorporated into the story was also nice. I really enjoy reading your work, whether it be a poem or a short story, and I think you're an excellent writer!
First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!
My Thoughts: You packed quite a bit of raw emotion into such a short piece. The words you chose clearly depict anger, hurt, even disgust. I like your writing style, and I think you have a great poem here.
My Suggestions: In the third verse, I think you meant to write "shattered and buried rather than "shattered end buried".
Overall: I enjoyed reading this emotion filled poem, and I think you'll make a great addition to the WDC community!
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: This is a great idea for a story! While I've heard of an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, I have never come across two bickering angels. You were able to write a complete, interesting story using few words, and you did a really good job!
My Suggestions: Second paragraph, third sentence, you need to capitalize "I". Last paragraph, first sentence, "st" should be "at." Also, I would suggest breaking the sentences where the angels are talking to each other into different paragraphs to make the story read more smoothly.
Overall: I enjoyed the idea and the story. I look forward to reading more of your work!
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: This is a lovely nostalgic piece with a hint of humor at the end. I couldn't help but smile as I read it. Although the story was very short, it was complete, and it left the reader with a little piece of your fond memories.
My Suggestions: I would suggest changing the semicolon in the first paragraph to a comma. Also, in the last sentence of the 2nd paragraph, I would suggest changing the end of the sentence to, "...and if they did, there still were no..."
Overall: I really enjoyed this lighthearted read. Maybe you could incorporate this story with others in your own set of memoirs. I know I would enjoy reading them!
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: This is a beautiful tribute to a lily. I like the descriptive use of the colors in the poem. Until reading this, I didn't realize they could be so many colors. And I particularly like the way you described the differences in the flower during different seasons.
My Suggestions: In the 3rd line, "It's" should be "Its" since you're not trying to say "It is." I would also suggest a quick edit to add commas to make the poem read more fluidly. For example, I would insert a comma between "day" and "it" in the 3rd line.
Overall: I enjoyed this poem that made me gain more appreciation for the lily.
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: This poem is packed with emotion that I'm sure many battered women can relate to. I appreciate how the character is realizing that you do not hurt the ones you love.
My Suggestions: I think "from my eye" could be omitted from the third verse to allow the poem to read more fluidly.
Overall: I enjoyed reading this emotion filled poem and look forward to reading more of your work!
First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time.
My Thoughts: You packed a lot of emotion into this short piece. I'm sure that many can relate to those feelings of lost love. You have done a great job of conveying the emotions and importance of this lost love.
My Suggestions: I would suggest giving the story a quick edit to correct spelling, capitalization, grammar and punctuation errors. For example, "Frank" should be capitalized, and there are a few run-on sentences that should be separated into two sentences. "would of done" should be "would have done"
Overall: I enjoyed this piece and think a quick edit would make it read much more fluidly. I would also like to see you expand upon this very short story.
First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time.
My Thoughts: I just read your story, and I really enjoyed it. It was lighthearted and sweet, things that I appreciate. It seems that you have a knack for writing children's stories and/or flash fiction. There are several contests on the site devoted to short fictional pieces. If you haven't already checked them out, I would strongly suggest that you do so! They're a good way to get recognition and gift points and awards.
My Suggestions: I would suggest editing the piece for spelling errors. A spell check would be a good idea. For example, "balloon" was spelled incorrectly throughout. Also, in the second line, "caring" should be "carrying." I would also suggest changing "...since her dad gave it to her for her 8th Birthday, 2 days ago." to "...since her dad gave it to her two days ago for her eighth birthday.
Overall: I enjoyed reading your story and think you will be a great addition to the WDC community!
First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time. I came across your story in the Noticing Newbies newsletter.
My Thoughts: I know how difficult it can be to write a logical, meaningful story using three hundred words or less, and you did a terrific job here. You covered a topic that has recently been of great interest and added a little lighthearted humor. Great job.
My Suggestions: I would suggest changing the spelling of "calendar" in the fourth paragraph.
Overall: The story was well-written, and I enjoyed the read. I can already tell you'll make a great addition to WDC.
I'm OOT™, and I saw your story listed in the Mystery Newsletter, and I'm so glad I checked it out!
My Thoughts: This is the longest story I have read on the site, and it's also the best. I am thoroughly impressed. You captured my attention with the first sentence of the story and held it throughout. The setting, characters, plot...everything was perfect. Also, as I was unaware of the information included in the Author's Note, I was glad to learn that.
My Suggestions: The only things I could find (and believe me, I tried hard) were the following, "Suppose I did believe you, Mr.Bell, Holmes..." I would suggest putting a space between "Mr." and "Bell." Then, later in the story, "I have carefully checked his answers and evaluated them,"I began." There should be a space between the closing quotation mark and "I". Yes, it's something that minute.
Overall: I loved the idea, I loved the story, and I loved your writing style. I will most definitely be reading more of your work! I wish I could give this story more than 5 stars.
Thank you for introducing me to the Kyrielle and for sharing this one with me! The poem is beautiful, and I love the style. The rhyme pattern is perfect, and your words allow the reader to feel the emotions of the character. I saw no errors in grammar, spelling or punctuation. Again, thank you for sharing this beautiful poem.
This seems like a terrific contest. The rules are clear and precise, and the prizes are spectacular! I believe it would motivate participants to write something every day, and that is exactly why I am participating. It also seems like a way to bring members of the WDC community together and help us to learn more about each other.
This is a lighthearted, funny piece. It is also realistic - I actually know a couple just like this! Using less than 300 words, you adequately introduced and described the characters and created a problem and a resolution. Great job!
The only suggestion I have is to change "you" to "your" in the sentence "I'll stick that fire extinguisher down your pants..."
I always enjoy a good, funny and believable piece, and this one fits the bill. Thanks for sharing!
First of all, happy account anniversary and Merry Christmas! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: This is a great idea for a poem. I quickly guessed that you were talking about your shadow, but you kept it so interesting that it didn't matter. You made a lot of good points that I would have never thought of.
My Suggestions: I think your poem would read a lot more fluidly if you would make a quick edit. For example, I would suggest changing "sometimes send chill" to either "sends a chill" or "sends chills". I would also suggest omitting the word "more" from "I am more closer to you..." Finally, I would suggest adding commas in certain places. For instance, "when you laugh, I laugh with you"
Overall: I enjoyed reading this, and I think it would be even better with a few minor changes. Thanks for sharing it!
First of all, happy account anniversary and Merry Christmas! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: This is a beautiful, sensual poem. It adequately describes the desire you have for your husband as well as your contentment with his touch.
My Suggestions: I know this is petty, but I would suggest changing the description to "This poem is a birthday present for my husband." Upon seeing the description, I thought the poem was about a present for your husband.
Overall: I really enjoyed the poem and am sure your husband loved it as well. I look forward to reading more of your work.
First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™, and I'm honored to review your work.
This is a lovely poem. I especially liked the way you structured the poem to look like a tree. Although the poem is short, it adequately sets forth a complete thought and is interesting and meaningful. The title caught my attention and the poem itself was just as interesting. I enjoyed the read and look forward to seeing more of your work!
Great choice of topic! Although the story is short, it is adequate and complete. I'm sure that quite a few people can relate, whether they are the woman on the doorstep or the passenger in the car. I also like the point that you made with even the child knowing the situation was wrong.
I think you could make the story better with a quick edit. A lot of the sentences were too long, and the story would have read more fluidly if they were separated into two sentences. There were also some sentence fragments. Regardless, I really enjoyed the read.
I see you're rather new on the site, and after reading this story, I see you're going to be a great addition! If there's ever anything I can do to help you with the site, don't hesitate to ask!
I think you have a great idea here. The story is great as-is, or you could expand upon it in a number of ways. Although at this point, I don't see it has becoming total erotica, I do think there is potential for Chris and Sally to add some passion to the story.
I couldn't help but notice that there were a lot of rather long sentences, especially toward the end of the story. For example: "Course the money wasn't half bad, he managed to live comfortably in a spacious condo at Atlantic Station, an affluent and coveted part of town, and he only worked 20-30 hours a week on average." I would suggest changing the first comma to a period to avoid this problem. Also, in the 9th paragraph, a sentence reads, "...as the corner of right lip..." I would suggest adding the word "her" between "of" and "right".
I really enjoyed the story and, again, I think it's terrific, whether or not you decide to expand it.
I cannot believe you were able to produce such a well written story without using the letter 'e'. Not only does it make sense, but it also has a plot and an interesting character. I'm glad I came upon this, as it should serve as inspiration to anyone. Thanks for the great read!
I only have praise to offer for this one. Excellent choice of words - you made each one count, which resulted in a superb poem. Like you, I appreciate the rhyme, even when it isn't required, and your doing so here only added to the overall quality. I have no criticisms, as I think this is perfect as is. Thank you for sharing this lovely poem!
Loved it! I am a big fan of the horror story, and I know how difficult it is to create a logical story using so few words. You did an excellent job. Using less than 200 words, you managed to establish a setting, introduce the characters and create the perfect twist at the end. The only suggestion I have would be to consider adding the word "her" to make the sentence near the beginning read, "...rubbing her hands up and down her arms." Regardless, great job!
It looks like you've already found her! This is a beautiful poem, and your writing style is impeccable. You're obviously not too busy to care, or you wouldn't have written this. And you obviously haven't lost your touch. I enjoyed reading this, and I encourage you to write more!
haha This is a lovely poem. I needed a lighthearted read tonight, and you provided just that. The poem flowed nicely, and I saw no errors in spelling, punctuation or grammar. As a caffeine addict, I could definitely relate. Thanks for the great read!
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