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Review of Do We Exist  
Review by Starling
Rated: E | (5.0)
Title: Review: Do We Exist by Dr. Gunzo - Sci-fi


The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. {/center}


Title and Author: Do We Exist by Dr. Gunzo


Plot::
The author puts across the theory we only exist because we think we exist. They ask many questions which don’t all have clear answers when you are trying to prove existence.

Hook:
The hook is presented in the first sentence. “ Proving existence is not as straightforward as one might think. Looking into a mirror and THINKING we are...therefore we must be, is not proof that we exist.” The reader is drawn into the essay to see if they disagree or agree with the author’s reasoning.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
As mentioned above the first sentence asks a question many have thought about.

Dialogue:
This is an essay. All dialogue is internal.

Punctuation and Structure:
Punctuation is all correct. A few words are redundant, like “really”, “actually and “own” but none of them are incorrect in their usage.

Closing Statement
I enjoyed reading this essay. You did very well asking questions about a complicated subject. I love reading philosophical questions which have no answer. Our brain perceives we exist, but the brain is only a computer, programmed by … If the brain is self-programming then as any computer, it drops information it doesn’t think relevant. It concentrates on information it can relate to as a working possibility. Maybe the information if figures are not valued is the exact information needed. I hope I am making sense here.

Thank you for posting.

Starling


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
77
77
Review of Solstice Day  
Review by Starling
Rated: E | (4.5)
Title: Review: Solstice Day by Words Whirling ‘Round


The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. {/center}


Title and Author: Solstice Day by Words Whirling ‘Round

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
c:black}Your Words:
Review comments
My Impressions as I read:
Editing Suggestions:

Plot::
Grandfather and grandson look for decoration to decorate for Christmas. The grandson finds a clock and can’t understand how to read it. The grandfather explains how to read it and how it works. Since the United States and mostly the world is on the metric system the clock is not relevant.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
The opening paragraphs have the grandson finding something. This leads to the reader to continue reading to find out what he found. Then we are drawn into the story as the grandfather explains how the clock works

Characters Development:
There is not a lot of character development. We know one of the characters is old and one is young. Their actions work with this scenario

Dialogue:
The dialogue is well done. There is no problem telling who is talking at any given time.

Punctuation and Structure:
I have found a couple of problems but not many. I have shown them in the line-to-line review below.

Closing Statement
Interesting storyline. It takes a possibility and explains logically how it could work if it was accepted in society. I like how you pulled the old in with the new as describing the presidency and its progression. You have given a possible date although I get the feeling it is several years after the 2054 year.

Thank you for posting. This was enjoyable.

Starling

----------------------------
“Gee Grandad, what’s this thing?” Jonny asked. They’d been sent to the attic to find lights for the Solstice Day celebration.

“That, my boy, is a clock. A genuine Schoolhouse Regulator with chimes. Your Grandma always loved that clock. It reminded her of her grandmother, but it’s not very useful anymore.”

“Does it work? There’s no display for the time numbers.”

“Well, the numbers are painted on the dial, and the hands tell the time.”

“Hands? You mean these pointer things?”

“That’s exactly right, the little hand points to the hour (need comma) and the big hand points to the minute. A wind-up spring inside the clock makes the hands move around the dial.”

“But where are the numbers? All I see are letters, just ‘X’s and ‘I’s”

“Oh, that’s right, they don’t teach you kids about Roman numerals any more.(one word) Ok, I’ll try to explain it so you can understand. The ‘I’ stands for one and the X stands for ten. So, at the top of the dial (need comma) the ‘XII’ means ten plus two. It stands for twelve. To the right of the twelve is a single ‘I’. It stands for one. The hours count up as you go around the dial, from one to twelve. And see, the minutes are marked in smaller numbers from one to sixty.”

One, two, three, four . . . wait, ‘V’ must be five, right?”

“Smart lad. I almost forgot about ‘V’.(need closing quote marks)

“. . . ten, eleven, twelve. I don’t understand,” Jonny said, looking confused. “Why twelve? Why sixty? That doesn’t make any sense. Days are twenty hours long.”

“Yeah, I know, but they used to be 24 hours when I was your age. And hours were 60 minutes long. The big hand would go around the dial every hour, and the little hand would go around the dial twice every day.”

“That sounds complicated, how did you know what time it really was?”

“We just knew,” chuckled Grandad. “Time doesn’t really change, Jonny, people just measure it differently now. And it wasn’t really so complicated. The minutes were a little longer back then and the hours were a little shorter, but a day went from midnight to midnight, just like now.”

Jonny looked doubtful, still not understanding what Grandad meant. He’d been born after the metric calendar reformation of 2054. The political turmoil of the Terrible Teens had given rise to the Rationalist Movement, and that movement had led to a new age of scientific progress. The pendulum had swung so far over toward sanity that America had finally embraced the logic of the metric system. And then they had gone even further by spearheading the use of a new, more rational timekeeping system and yearly calendar.

The time of day had been rationalized to have 100 seconds per minute, 100 minutes per hour, and 10 hours each of am and pm. The new second was defined as .432 old seconds, so a new minute was equal to 43.2 old seconds, a new hour was 1.2 old hours, and 20 new hours with 200,000 new seconds made a day the exact same length as 24 hours with 86,400 old seconds (200,000 x .432 = 86,400).

The general public had been unwilling to give up their seven-day week, but they did let go of superstition and convert to a calendar with 13 months of 28 days. This allowed every month to begin on a Monday with only one day of the year unaccounted for (13 x 28 = 364). The final piece of the puzzle was to designate the summer solstice as a special holiday not included in any month. The lure of a new day off overrode the objections of calendar companies who feared the impact of a perpetually reusable calendar. And, if one day off is good, then two is even better! Every fourth year would add a second holiday at the winter solstice to correspond to the leap year of the old calendar.

The existing month names were preserved for sentimental reasons and a new month of Kamala was added to follow the summer Solstice Day. It was named in honor of Kamala Harris, the first woman to serve as U.S. President. She’d served out the final months of the beloved Joe Biden’s term and then served two terms of her own. Her calm, but firm leadership had been the catalyst for the larger rationalist movement.

Summer Solstice was soon established as a relaxed time to gather with friends and family and celebrate the return of warm weather. However, the idea that it didn’t count as part of the calendar gradually came to mean an escape from responsibility and accountability. Virtually no one worked on their yearly ‘free day’. The quiet barbeques gave way to wild parties with wild behavior. It became generally expected that people would dress in costume and indulge their deepest, darkest fantasies. Cheating on your diet, or your spouse, didn’t count on Solstice Day.

Winter Solstice, in contrast, became a non-denominational religious holiday. A day when all faiths, from Wiccans to Muslims to Roman Catholics, could celebrate together. It might happen only once every four years, but at least it was a start. For many (need comma) it was a day of reflection, (need comma) iand reconciliation. For others (need comma) iit was an extra day to prepare for the holiday season. For nine-year old (hyphenated age) Jonny it would be the beginning of the biggest, grandest Christmas display he’d ever seen.

“Here we go,” Grandad said at last. “This whole stack is for Winter Solstice. Let’s start getting them downstairs.”

Jonny quickly forgot about the odd, antique clock and grabbed a box. Time to decorate!

“Come on, Grandad," he called enthusiastically. "This is gonna be great!”


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
78
78
Review by Starling
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Title: Review: She Finally Told Me by Paul


The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. {/center}


Title and Author: She Finally Told Me by Paul

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
c:black}Your Words:
Review comments
My Impressions as I read:
Editing Suggestions:

Plot::
Ian receives a phone call while he is rushing to get to the airport to take a flight overseas. The person on the other end tells him she is his dead cousin and gives him reasons he should believe this. The caller also tells him not to take the flight he is planning on taking. He misses the flight and it is good he did.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
The opening sentences give us a lot of information. It tells us it is Ian’s birthday. The caller is calling at 2 am in the morning on a Wednesday. Ian is a writer.

Characters Development:
We get a sense Ian is in a hurry and he doesn’t like being in a hurry. The caller on the phone is a bit strange, but the story moves fast enough we learn the caller is a ghost soon enough to not get confusing.

Dialogue:
Dialogue is broken with incomplete sentences. It gives us a sense of hurried, interrupted speech. Normally it wouldn’t work but this does.

Punctuation and Structure:
I only found one actual mistake, which is fantastic. The word takeoff is one word. The rest of the errors the computer is trying to point out to me are because of the necessary dialogue in the story.


Closing Statement
I enjoyed reading this. I think if I didn’t know you were bringing a ghost into it, I may have been confused with the broken speech, but it worked. A couple of things come to light after some thought. One, it is happening in modern times. Two, Ian is in his 70’s (he traded lockets with his cousin 60 years prior to the date) Three the cousin died and he’s going to her funeral. I think I have this right. If I don’t please message me and let me know where I am wrong.

Thank you for posting.

Starling


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
79
79
Review of The Climb  
Review by Starling
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Title: Review: The Climb by W.D. Wilcox


The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. {/center}


Title and Author: The Climb by W.D. Wilcox

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
c:black}Your Words:
Review comments
My Impressions as I read:
Editing Suggestions:

Plot::
Natasha is in a hole with climbing gear on. George her boyfriend/lover/husband is at the top of the hole. Natasha told George he wasn’t enough of a man for her. He climbs mountains for a living. She needs to climb to the top of the hole in order to save Bob’s life who is on the other end of the rope with it around his neck.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
The opening sentence immediately pulls the reader into an action scene. Why is Natasha standing on a side wall in climbing gear? Why is she in the hole?

Characters Development:
Natasha’s fear is very evident from the first few sentences. George is cocky and mad. Bob is full of fear.

Dialogue:
Dialogue is good and perdictable

Punctuation and Structure:
I found only a few errors and I have listed those below in the line-by-line review.

Closing Statement
We are left with a lot of questions. A couple of them are how did Natasha not know Bob was at the bottom of the hole. Was she knocked out or something? There is nothing to tell us how the whole scenario came about, with all the character placement. I know you are setting a scene and this is just a snapshot of a few moments, but the setup is not complete.

It was a very nice plot twist at the end. You have left a generous amount of space to continue the story. I am a fan of Happy Ever After, and I know you are not guaranteeing that here. Thanks for posting.

Starling



------------------------------

Natasha clung to the wall, her fingers numb, limbs quivering. How long her husband planned to keep her down here was anybody’s guess. He had rigged a long rope and pulley, the one end clipped to the climber’s harness cinched around her waist, the other connecting somewhere down below her in the darkness.

“George? George, are you up there?”

“Yeah…whadduya want?”

“Enough is enough, George…now pull me up.”

“Ha, not on your life! You want out, then climb out!”

“George, please, you’re being silly, all this just because I won’t sleep with you.”

“That’s not the only reason and you know it! You said I wasn’t man enough for ya—less than a man, I think were your exact words.”

“But, George…”

“But, George, nothing! This is what I do for a living, Natasha—I climb mountains! Let’s see if you can do it!”

Her arms were getting tired. “Please, darling, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you…”

“Do you think I’m less than a man compared to all those sissy boys you work with at that designing place? Or maybe you measure manhood by the number of dollars a fella’s got shoved up his ass.”

“George, please! I’m going to slip and fall. I can’t feel my toes!”

“Oh, don’t worry…you won’t fall. The rope will hold you. I got it tied down below. You’ll just dangle there like the spider you are.”

“George Meany! You get me down from here this instant!”

“No…I don’t think so. I’ve been following you around town, Natasha. Did you know that?”

“Following me?”

“Yeah…I betcha didn’t think I’d do that, did ya? I know all about you and Bob Mathews: how you been meeting him secretly at his uptown apartment; how you and him been having a good ol’ time behind my back.”

“George, please…I can explain.”

“No need to, darlin’. I know everything already…Bob was very co-operative (no hyphen).”

“Co-operative(no hyphen)? What do you mean?” Panic gripped her guts. “Listen, George, Bob means nothing to me. I was just using him to get further up the ladder. What have you done?”

“Done?” He laughed strangely. “I ain’t done nothing except bring ol’ Bob down here with us.”

“Bob? He’s here? You didn’t…kill him or anything, did you?”

“No, of course not. I’m not like you. He’s right below you. Of course, he can’t talk right now because I put duct tape on his mouth, but he can hear everything just fine.”

“What do you mean? He’s below me, now?”

“That’s what I been trying to tell ya. I got the other end of that rope tied around ol' Bob’s neck. If you can’t make it to the top, or if you fall…you’ll hang him.”


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
80
80
Review by Starling
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Title: Review: Sophia's Great Catch by The Puppet Master


The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. {/center}


Title and Author: Sophia's Great Catch by The Puppet Master

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
c:black}Your Words:
Review comments
My Impressions as I read:
Editing Suggestions:

Plot::
Dylan, Sophie’s husband, gets hit on by a woman who thinks she can make him cheat. Alice, the other woman, tries hard but her efforts to not pay off for her.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
The two main characters are introduced in the first paragraph and they are put in motion. The questions presented to the readers are where are they going and what’s going to happen when they get there.

Characters Development:
These are two established characters. The story is a character study on marriage fidelity between the two of them.

Dialogue:
Dialogue is good. You can tell who is talking by the phrases they use.

Punctuation and Structure:
I found a few small problems and I have indicated them below.

Closing Statement
It’s not very often you find stories about a man and woman being faithful to each other. Usually one does something and the other begs for forgiveness, sometimes getting it and sometimes not. I have not read the first part of your character’s adventure, but you have let the reader know they still care about each other,

Have you studied this dance or did you do research? Thank you for posting.

Starling
------------------------------
Dylan and Sophia Nelson married after Dylan saved Sophia's life by pushing her out of the way of an oncoming car. The insurance agent and the swing dance instructor drove to a swing class/dance one autumn evening after leaving the kids with their babysitter.

"I can't believe we've been married almost a year already," said Sophia.

It's almost our anniversary?! I forgot about it. Good thing she reminded me! What will I do for her? thought Dylan before saying, "I can't believe it either." He pulled into the parking lot. Upon leaving the car he buttoned his suit jacket, and Sophia smoothed the skirt of her 1950's era dress.

Upon entering the ballroom, Sophia and her teaching partner ran through the moves they planned to teach that night. Dylan watched from the sideline.(need space)She's so beautiful, he thought. I really got lucky ending up with her.

"Now that it's the third week of the class, I think we should introduce the swingout," said her partner, Jack.

"I usually don't teach that in beginner classes. It's more of an intermediate move," answered Sophia.

"I know, but the sooner the students are exposed to it, the sooner they can master it," said Jack. "We don't have to go too into it. I just want to introduce it to them." He tested the stereo system.

"You do have a point," said Sophia. "I figure we can at least touch on it." She tapped on her microphone to make certain it was working.

"It's six o'clock," said Jack, looking at his watch. "Time for class."

"Welcome to class, everyone," said Sophia. "Leads, go over behind Jack. Follows, come behind me." Sophia and Jack stood in the center of the room, facing each other. The students formed lines behind them. As Dylan took his place behind Jack, Dylan looked to where the follows stood. A rather short brunette in a sailor dress caught his eye.

"Leads, choose a follow and then form a circle around us," said Jack.

Dylan approached the brunette. "Would you like to dance?" He offered her his hand.

"I would love to." She took his hand and smiled, exposing bright white, straight teeth.

"First, we are going to review the tuck turn and side pass. Then, we will introduce you to a new move," said Sophia. She and Jack demonstrated the first moves before the class followed suit.

"I haven't seen you here before," said Dylan.

"I just moved to the area," answered the brunette.

"Welcome," said Dylan. "I am Dylan Nelson. What is your name?"

"Alice Andersen." She looked up into Dylan's eyes.

As Dylan pulled her close in the side pass, he told her, "I love your dress. I'm into nautical stuff."

"Thanks, I am too," said Alice.

"What is your favorite type of ship?" asked Dylan.

"Hmm... I would have to say the 18th-century man of war, but I like all sailing ships."

"Time to rotate!" said Sophia. "Leads, move around the circle in a clockwise fashion."

"Nice dancing with you," said Dylan before moving to the next follow.

Later in the class, after the instructors demonstrated the swingout, Dylan ended up with Alice again. "I already know this move," he told her. "My wife is one of the instructors. She taught me a while ago."

"You're married?" asked Alice before letting out a little sigh.

"Yes, in fact, our anniversary is coming up. It's a good thing she reminded me about it today, or I would have forgot forgotten and ended up in trouble."

Damn! Why are all the hot dudes already taken? (add quote marks to beginning and end of this) thought Alice.

The class ended, and the social dance commenced. Sophia approached Dylan to ask him for a dance, but he was already dancing with Alice. The two stayed together for most of the night. Around eleven, the dance ended. Sophia and Dylan went to their car.

Before she had even fastened her seat belt, Sophia asked, "Who was that girl you danced with all night?"

"Her name is Alice. She just moved here. I enjoyed dancing with her, plus she's pretty."

Sophia's eyes widened. "What about me?" she asked, trying not to sound angry.

"You're pretty, too," said Dylan.

"Apparently not as pretty as her," said Sophia, holding back tears.

"I never said that."

'But you think it!" Sophia wiped a tear from her eye.

"No, I don't." Dylan and Sophia rode the rest of the way home in silence.

The next morning at breakfast, Dylan's phone rang. "Hello?... Oh, hi Alice...no, I'm not busy tonight...yes, I would like that...ok, I will meet you there at seven. See you then." He hung up.

"I don't want you going out with that slut!" Sophia slammed her plate on the table.

"Chill out, Sophia. It's just a friendly thing. Nothing will come of it," said Dylan.

That evening, Sophia watched as Dylan left to meet up with Alice. Why is he paying attention to her and not me? What is wrong with me? Do I need to lose a few pounds? Or wear more makeup? I can't lose my marriage to this whore! (Quote marks at both ends) she thought before crying herself to sleep.

In the following weeks, Sophia began a new exercise program. She also started wearing makeup every day instead of just to dances. She curled her long, blonde hair more often and shopped for sexier outfits. "I have to do all this if I want Dylan to stay and not run off with Alice," she told a friend over lunch.

"I am sure it's just an innocent friendship between them," said Janet, her friend. "Dylan doesn't seem like the type to cheat."

"I can't get the idea out of my head that they are doing something," said Sophia. "I am so obsessed that I am checking his phone every day and deleting her voicemails."

"Like he said, you need to relax," said Janet.

"The next time he sees her, I will go too and tell her to stay away from my man!" Sophia slammed her fork on the table.

A couple of nights later, Alice invited Dylan to her apartment. As he opened the door, Dylan saw that she was wearing a scanty nightgown. "Woah, I don't think I should be here," he said to Alice. "I can't cheat on Sophia."

"Come on, you know you want to," whispered Alice.

"I can't. I have morals," said Dylan. "I promised to be faithful to Sophia when I married her." He nervously smoothed his hair.

"It will be fun," said Alicia.

"No! I don't think we should be getting together any more.(one word)" He turned around and went home.

A week later, Alice showed up at Dylan and Sophia's door. Sophia heard the doorbell and came downstairs to the door. "What are you doing here?" said Sophia.

"I need to explain something to Dylan," said Alice.

Dylan came to the door. "You shouldn't be here," he said. "Since you tried to get me to go to bed with you, I realize this isn't a healthy friendship."

"You tried to sleep with my husband?!" yelled Sophia. "You can go screw yourself for trying to eff up my marriage! Stay away from him!" She pushed Alice to the ground and slammed the door before locking it. "I knew she was no good," said Sophia. "I really appreciate you respecting our marriage and not screwing with her."

"I couldn't do it," said Dylan. "I noticed you've been trying harder to appeal to me since Alice came into the picture. I didn't marry you for your looks. I married you because you're the whole package."

"Aww, that's so sweet," said Sophia.

"You're already mine. You don't have to try to be hot any more (one word)," said Dylan. They hugged.

"Plus, I have a surprise for our anniversary," said Dylan. He handed Sophia a card. Sophia opened the card and found two plane tickets to Paris.

"OMG! We're spending our anniversary in Paris?! What about the kids?"

"My sister said she would watch them while we're gone," said Dylan. "We will have a week to ourselves."

"You're amazing," said Sophia. She kissed her husband.

A month later, Dylan and Sophia boarded their plane to Paris. Dylan showed her around the gorgeous city and treated her to romantic dinners every night. They went to the top of the Eiffel Tower, the St Chappelle cathedral, and the Arc de Triomphe. He showed her the place in Notre Dame where Napoleon crowned himself Emperor. After a wondrous week, they headed home and enjoyed their strong marriage for decades.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
81
81
Review by Starling
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Title: Review: The Potter’s Cup and Saucer By Marilyn Mackenzie


The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. {/center}


Title and Author: The Potter’s Cup and Saucer By Marilyn Mackenzie

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
c:black}Your Words:
Review comments
My Impressions as I read:
Editing Suggestions:

Plot::
A cup and saucer are made but have to take a journey to find each other.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
The opening paragraph gets us into the action of the story immediately.

Characters Development:
Personification is sometimes difficult to use and develop characters. You did an excellent job giving both the saucer and the cup personality.

Punctuation and Structure:
Suggestions below in the story.

Closing Statement
This was very well done. I love personification and use it often in some of my work. Your use of metaphor was spot on. Thank you for posting.

Starling





The Potter’s mighty hands performed a miracle in creating a delicate and perfectly formed saucer. From the Potter’s wheel to the fiery kiln, He lovingly guided her. As her forming process was completed, He stamped His creator’s markings lovingly upon her.

As she sat alone on the shelf, she did marvel at her own beauty. But what good was she – a saucer alone? She envied the beautiful bud vase. Just one rose bud (one word) or one bright daisy placed in the tiny vase transformed it into a true masterpiece. And the large flower vase, filled with a grand bouquet, looked stately and proud.

But what of her? What good was the beautiful saucer without a matching cup? Rather than ask the Potter his plan, she set out on her own to find her matching cup.


**********

Shortly after the Potter finished creating the beautiful saucer, He began forming the perfect cup as well. The same mighty yet loving hands placed a mound of clay upon the Potter’s wheel. The resulting cup was beautifully formed and placed in the fiery kiln for hardening and completion. The Potter’s stamp showed at the bottom of the shiny, new cup.

Just like the saucer, the cup didn’t wait for the Potter’s help. He set out on his own, seeking his partner, the saucer designed just for him.

**********

The delicate saucer couldn’t find her match. The world was full of large cups and even larger mugs. Some shared the same design pattern. But when paired together with a large mug, she was overwhelmed, lost, often chipped (need comma) and broken. Still (need comma) she searched.

**********

The delicately designed cup couldn’t find his match either. Placed upon a dinner plate of matching design, his own beauty and usefulness was were hidden. Without that perfect indentation on which he should rest found only, it seemed, in the saucer designed solely for him, he often toppled over. His exterior was chipped and no longer perfect.


**********


The delicate cup and saucer, once perfectly formed by the Master Potter, wandered aimlessly looking for their perfect match. Each stopped, finally, and asked the Potter’s help. Once He was asked, He offered His assistance, but not before.

The cup and saucer were finally united. No longer brand new, each one with exterior chips and flaws, the two united.

They discovered that they were, indeed, a perfect match. Their designs were perfectly matched. The cup fit perfectly into the grooves of the saucer; it would no longer topple over. The saucer would no longer be covered roughly and damaged by a cup too large and heavy for her delicate nature.

They discovered, too, that where his outward flaws appeared was where she remained intact. Where her chips appeared was where he maintained strength. Where one had chinks in the armor, the other’s shield was still whole.

Although no longer shiny, bright (need comma) and new, the cup and saucer were made to be together. They rejoiced knowing that when his cup overflowed, she would be there to catch the drips.

Each of them had the creator’s mark, stamped upon them by the Potter. FROG – fully reliant on God.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
82
82
Review of Whatever  
Review by Starling
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Title: Review: Whatever by Oakes


The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. {/center}


Title and Author: Whatever by Oakes

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
c:black}Your Words:
Review comments
My Impressions as I read:
Editing Suggestions:

Plot::
Young man is in love with a girl. She has just finally agreed to go on a date with him. All is not well

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
Excellent opening. The reader is pulled into the writing wondering why this word is important.

Characters Development:
You establish early we have two main characters, a man and a woman. The piece is very short but we do know they are young and the boy is in love with the girl.

Dialogue:
The dialogue is well planned out to make an impact.

Punctuation and Structure:
Structure is good. I have made my suggestions below.

Closing Statement
I love a good ending twist. You did a great job in spinning the reader in a different direction with no warning. Thank you for posting.

Starling




“Whatever,” she said with half a smile spread across her face. She was beautiful, with long dark hair and brilliant green eyes. You should have seen her. She had smooth skin as pale and iridescent as the moon shining over a snow covered (hyphenated) (Grammarly is also telling me to remove the word: a)landscape. She moved with a meaning. As she walked away from me I could sense her presence exiting the room. You could feel when she was around without even having to see her. She was wondrous.
“Then I’ll see you later tonight?” I asked her nervously as she turned the corner. (check to make sure you are clicking the “Preserve spacing” under “Advanced” at the bottom of the page where you post. Your paragraphs are all run together and it is difficult for the reader to keep track.)

She said nothing but the grin on her face widened as she disappeared from view.

When she was gone for sure I let out the greatest sigh the world would ever witness. Then I plopped down on the soft red couch in my small apartment and flicked on the TV, surfing through the channels for a while. I was elated that I had finally got a date with the girl I had obsessed over for so long. I had met her six years earlier at a friend’s house and ever since then I had longed for us to be together. When I had first looked into those gorgeous eyes, I knew we were meant to be. And when she first spoke to me, I was sure we were meant to be. It was obvious and I never had a doubt in my mind that it was untrue. The only problem with the whole situation was that she didn’t feel the same way about me; at least not quite the same way that I had been feeling about her. She liked me for a while, and she told me so every now and again, but I was never the spark to her that she was to me.

Time went on and we remained good friends for a long time. Occasionally we would get into a minor argument and stop talking for a few weeks but we would always some how (one word) end up friends again in the end. And I knew why, though she didn’t. Then we got in our biggest fight, don’t ask about what because I can’t remember for the life of me, but it just kept escalating until we stopped talking. And we didn’t talk for nearly six months. Then, one random day, she called me and asked if she could see me. We met at my apartment and talked and talked for hours. I told her how I felt and she told me how she realized that I was right and we were destined to be together. Then she agreed to go out to dinner with me. “What kind of restaurant?” I asked, “Japanese? Mexican? Italian?”

“Whatever,” she said with half a smile spread across her face...


I walked downstairs with a distinctive smirk upon my face and my car keys dangling in my hand. I was so happy. Nothing could ever ruin that feeling I had. It was dark out now and as I stepped out into the city air I could see bright lights flashing wildly. A bunch of cop cars were parked right across the street and a small crowd of people had gathered along the sidewalk. However happy I was, I was still curious as to what was going on across the street. (I would remove this “across the street” because you have already stated it in the previous sentence) I joined the few spectators who were already standing around and I made my way to the front of the small crowd at the edge of the caution tape. I stifled a scream. There only five feet away was the body of the only girl I had over loved laying face down in a pool of her own blood. I fell to my knees and clenched at my shirt and cried. She looked so peaceful yet so sad. No one around seemed to care.

I found out shortly after that, that (I would remove both words) she had been killed by a local gang member as some initiation right. The young man was caught and prosecuted and sentenced then released on good behavior five years early. I bought a pistol and shot him in the head the day he got out.

“I know this sounds strange, but this one seems like he’s actually trying to say something, Doctor.”

“Hmm,” said the doctor examining patient number six through the glass, “This is the one they caught attempting to kill that boy who had just got out of jail. He pulled out a gun but was brought down by some civilians before he actually got a shot off. Listen to him.”

They both stood quiet for a moment listening to the crazed man talk.

“Doctor, he’s just been saying the word ‘whatever’ repeatedly for the past ten minutes.”


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
83
83
Review of Waterfall  
Review by Starling
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Review: Waterfall by Robert Edward Baker



The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.



Title and Author: Waterfall by Robert Edward Baker

Plot::
Leah Clearwater is a werewolf. Her job is to help protect vampires and other werewolves. She saves a girl and finds out she is her soulmate.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
The opening pulls you into the story. There is immediate action. There is also just enough information to keep you reading to find out how it is going to end. The whole story is well structured with easy flow.

Characters Development:
Although there is not a lot of character description, such as looks, there is enough implied through the action and the dialogue for the reader to get a good idea of what type of people are being talked about.

Dialogue:
I had no problem following the dialogue. I always knew who was talking, which can sometimes be hard in a story.

Punctuation and Structure:
I found no problems with punctuation or structure. The author paid a lot of attention to details. There is a good amount of showing versus telling with is a hard trait to do.

Closing Statement
I enjoyed reading the story. Although I am not a big fan of vampires and werewolves the story made sense and held my interest. You show a lot of skill in your writing technique. Thank you for posing.

Starling


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
84
84
Review of Izumi´s fate  
Review by Starling
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)


The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.{/center}

Title and Author: Izumi´s fate by Izumi

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
Your Words
My Impressions as I read
Editing Suggestions

Plot::
Izumi is a young girl that helps save a young boy after an explosion. Later her body starts changing and she gets caught up in a battle.


Opening Sentence and Paragraph:

---Your opening paragraph does well at telling the reader something dangerous is happening.


Characters Development:
I think you could do a lot more with character development. We know basically nothing about Izumi or any of the other characters. We do know she is young because she is still in school.

Dialogue:
I am under the opinion English is not your first language. I applaud your ability to write the story. Some of the phrasings is different than what would be spoken. Maybe you could have some read the spoken words to you in your other language so you could tell what words maybe missing.

Punctuation and Structure:
---If you use a question mark, then you say the person asked.
---If you are going to mention a person said something you use a comma before the quote marks not a period
I would like to suggest you study some more information on punctuation. There are classes you can take on Writing.com to help with this.

Closing Statement
The story is interesting. You tend to leave out information the reader needs to know before you tell what is going on. Izumi is very accepting about all of a sudden being pulled into another world and having to be a superhero. I have also pointed out some questions in the main review.

You have a good start here. Keep going. One of the techniques I use is to read the story out loud to see what I may have missed. I understand this could be a problem for you. As I suggested above maybe you can have some read it to you in whatever language you use in everyday life.

Thank you for posting your writing.

Starling
-----------------------
After school Izumi went up What did she use to go up the building? Steps, elevator, ladder? You need to say how. the tallest building and sat down as it was a place that she would go when she needed to calm down. Then she heard a loud boom that shattered the fragile tranquility of the roof. Clouds of smoke covered the sky and in the distance plums of flames ominously flicked below the black vail. New paragraphShe felt like she should go and see if she could help so she ran as fast as she could as the building wasn't that far away. When she got there, emergency responders were already there. Izumi asked a police officer what had happened and he explained that a bomb had gone off. When the officer wasn't looking, she started to walk towards the building.

"Hey little girl you shouldn't get any closer you need to come back!" an officer said, but Izumi didn't listen.

"Hey there, you hear me!?remove exclamation point and space " Thelower case on the t officer yelled.

"Oh I heard you but I am choosing to ignore it." Izumi said in a sassy tone of voice and uppercase on s she had entered the building. Soon, the entrance collapsed along with the first floor. However, Izumi was already on the second floor that was when she heard crying, so she ran as fast as she could to the crying. When she finally found the source of the sound, she saw a little boy who looked to be six years old. Just as Izumi picked him up, he passed out from exhaustion. Izumi started to run to the closest window. She broke it and jumped out landing perfectly on her feet like a cat as she was part cat.

Izumi was limping and could barely stand but she was determined to get the young boy in her arms to safety. Izumi staggered, stumbled, and limped as she was determined to get to the paramedics. When she finally got to them and gave them the little boy. Comma not a period, lowercase on “s” She passed out and she was immediately brought to a hospital. New paragraphShe needed stitches in her right arm and leg as she had cut them pretty badly when she jumped out the window. She was in a coma for a while. The worst part was that everyone that knew her personally saw everything from the explosion to her shattering the window to her passing out. They were heartbroken as Izumi was the nicest person that they knew and she had helped several of her friends find love. Without her, things wouldn't be the same! So many people would die if she did. Everyone liked her and she was like their little sister. Izumi was the most important part of both of her families. After a whole month had passed, with no signs of waking up, the doctors were about to diagnose Izumi mentally brain dead. She jolted up and out of her month-long coma. Though Izumi's vision kept fading in and out she was definitely waking up.

"Hey, she is waking up!" a doctor said.

Though she was safe, Izumi didn't know what was happening and started panicking. She was scared.

"W-where am I-I? Who's there? W-what's h-happening?" Izumi saidasked while trying to fight back the tears.

Not even a minute passed before Izumi broke down sobbing. She didn't know what was going on.

"My little girl it's alright you're safeneed comma" a voice familier spelling error to Izumi said.

"Mom?" Izumi asked.

"Yes babyneed comma" Inko said.

"Why am I here Mom?" Izumi saidasked trying to calm down but it was really hard.

Then Inko left the room to make a call. "Hey Mitsuki.need comma not a period" Inko saidneed a period

"Oh hello, Inkoneed comma" Mitsuki saidneed a period

"So Izumi woke up today and she was really scared. Could you send Katsuki over here?"

"Oh of course"

Then Inko went back into Izumi's room and a few minutes later Katsuki got to the hospital.

"Hello sir, what can I help you with today?" a nurse saidasked .

"I am here to see Izumi Midoriya need comma" Katsuki said.

"Oh ok, she is in room 201need comma" the nurse said.

Then Katsuki went to Izumi's room. When he got there, just like he had been told, she was crying and looked very scared.

"Hey Izu" Katsuki said, in a calm voice.

"Kat!?" you use either the explanation poing or the question mark, not both together Izumi called out.

Use a new paragraph when someone else is talking. Two people can not talk in the same paragraph"Yeah that's me babeneed comma " Katsuki said and then went to sit on Izumi's hospital bed to comfort his girlfriend.

"Hey Izumi? Do you want a hug?" Katsuki asked and without giving a reply Izumi hugged her boyfriend and cried into his shoulderneed a period

"Yeah, that's it! Just let it out. It's okayneed comma " Katsuki said.

"Kat, I'm scared.need comma " Izumi said.

"It's alright Izu, I'm here. need comma not a period " Katsuki said.

"Kat I-I want to g-go home.need comma not a period " Izumi mumbled. After hearing this Katsuki had an idea and he pulled out a plushie and gave it to Izumi. She squeezed it and she started to calm down.

"Thank you Kat," Izumi said. "So when do I go home?" Izumi asked.

"Soon Izu, very soon.need comma not a period " Katsuki said. Izumi then yawned and her eyes started to get heavy as she was really tired from all her crying.

"You're tired, aren't you?" Katsuki saidasked Izumi yawned again.

"Yeah" Izumi said. And then she fell asleep.

"Ok, good, she's asleep now.need comma not period" Inko said.

Chapter 2 - Change

Izumi was released from the hospital and is now at home getting ready for school. Right as she is about to leave the house, Izumi sees her boyfriend and then runs up to him.

"Hey Kat.need comma not a period" Izumi said.

"Hey Izu.need comma not a period" Katsuki said,

Izumi gave Katsuki a hug and then they started to walk to school together.
"Almost there Izu.need comma not a period" Katsuki said.

"Ok Katneed comma" Izumi said.

After Izumi said that Katsuki picked her up and put her on his shoulders, his actions caused Izumi to giggle. Katsuki continued to walk to school. Halfway there Izumi fell asleep. Once on school grounds, some of Katsuki's and Izumi's friends ran to them.

"Hey Katsuki we saw the newsneed period and capital “I” is Izumi alright?" Denki asked.

"Why not ask her yourself.need comma not a period" Katsuki responded.

Katsuki bent down and woke Izumi up and she got off of Katsukis back.

"Denki has something to ask you.need comma not a period" Katsuki said.

"Ok well, what do you need to ask me Denki?" Izumi asked.

"Oh well I just wanted to know if you were alright.need question mark not a period" Denki asked.

"Well, I'm fine Denki need comma" Izumi said.

After all the questions the group of students went inside to their class. When they got to class the class representative walked up to Izumi.

"Izumi you're not hurt are you?" Ilda asked.

Izumi sighed "I'm fine.need comma not a period" she said.

After even more questioning, Izumi went towards her desk but half way This is oneword not twothere her eyes started to change green to red to white back to green. Izumi collapsed and fell to the ground and her body was very clearly shaking in pain. Then Katsuki ran to Izumi and lifted her head so he could try and see what was wrong with Izumi. When he did he saw that her eyes were changing colors.

"What's happening to her!?" Mina asked. use question mark OR explanation point

"I don't know..." Katsuki responded.

"What do you mean, you don't know.need question mark not period" Ilda repeated Mina's question.

"I SAID I DON'T KNOWneed exclamation point" Katsuki shouted. Normally you do not capitalize all the letters in writing. You say shouted and that would be enough. This is a writers choice though

Then Izumi's eyes went back to their natural green before changing to orange and for a while time seemed to stop. What felt like hours was really only one minute and after the period time stopped Izumi's eyes went back to green but something was off and her pupils were in the shape of a heart.

"What happened?" Izumi asked her boyfriend.

"I don't know?" Katsuki replied.

As Izumi started to get up purple mist or what Izumi referred to as the warp gate started to materialize and it is what Izumi called the warp gate. You are repeating the same thing twice. You need to rephrase the sentance. And Izumi was warped outside and not being used to the warp gates power she was temporarily blinded. When she finally managed to adjust she saw villains that she barely managed to take down, villains such overhaul, wolfram, and nine. But it was different then she had only one person that she needed to focus on then but now she had to focus on 3 of thenthem . Then her eyes turned white and she pulled out a flaregun and pull off a 20 round rapid fire in to into is one word the sky and within minutes news chopper’s where swerming the sky around the hero in training and the three villains.

“Need some helpneed question mark” a voice asked.

“Who’s thereneed question mark” Izumi asked.

“You’ll know only if you say s a specific phraseneed comma” the voice replied.

Being all too trusting Izumi nodded and then she raised her hand and called outneed period

“DEKU MATERIALIZEneed exclamation point” Izumi shouted.

A combo of red and green mist whirled and then a guy not that much taller then Izumi appeared.

“You’reYour wish is my command... Mistressneed comma” Deku saidneed period how would she know his name. He needs to introduce himself to her somehow

Back in the classroom the others are looking for Izumi when they noticed the flair and hear Izumi scream.

“What that…need question mark” Ilda questioned.

“ remove spaceTHAT WAS ONE OF IZUMI’S FLAIRS.need exclamation point not period” Katsuki shoutedneed periodWhat is Izumi’s Flair? You have not explained this before using the words

“Cmon let’s goneed comma” Mina said before dashing out of the door with the others not far behind her. However it wasn’t long before Katsuki ran right past Mina, determined to protect his girlfriend at all costs.

Back down on the battlefield Izumi started to levitate a meter off the ground and only one thought had crossed her mind “I want katsuki” Need caps on name and period after the quotation marks

“Deku do you have any information or a way we can defeat them?” Izumi askedneed period

“Umm... no I do not but...” responded Dekuneed period

“But whatneed question mark” Izumi askedneed period

The two started to use a telepathic quirk to insure secrecyneed period “But form from the information I do have, there’s two traitors in the league of villains but I do not know exactly who they are.need comma not a period” Deku responded.

For a few minutes they were waiting for someone to make the first move and that’s when Deku Made lower case on madethe first move.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
85
85
Review of From Beyond  
Review by Starling
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
"From Beyond" 


The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.


Greetings {huser:Purple Princess}

From Beyond by Purple Princess


Plot::
Michelina has lost her husband Cooper, several months earlier. She thinks she might be going crazy because she keeps seeing Cooper in her dreams and feels his presence sometimes.

Hook:
Michelina visits a medium.

Characters Development:
Michelina - widow looking for answers and valadation
Cooper - deceased husband
Judy - claraboiant
There is not a lot of character development. We know Michelina is distraught at the death of her husband. Judy is being presented as a reliable medium. Cooper is being presented as a visiting ghost.

Dialogue:
Minimal dialogue given. What is written though seems naturally spoken.

Punctuation and Structure:
Great joy on checking for Punctuation and story structure.
… Any crystal ball, gypsy need comma or tarot card reader
… which meant Cooper was here, standing behind me likeas she said.
… because just hearing the word play (one word)}/c} sent naughty thoughts

Closing Statement
I love the insert you added to show Cooper talking to Michelina in her sleep. This was interesting to read. My husband passed away about 20 years ago, and he still visits me in my dreams. Thank you for sharing.

Starling


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
86
86
Review of The Handkerchief  
Review by Starling
Rated: E | (4.5)
Normally I don't read much which is considered poetry. I adored this short poem though. You were able to use very few words to tell a story which easily allowed my brain to picture.

I'm thinking your picture is original also, You have a lot of talent.

Thank you for sharing both.
87
87
Review by Starling
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Review: Would You Adam & Eve It? By Moomintroll

Plot:
Did Adam and Eve actually exist.

Suggestions:
Interesting hypothesis. Have you had anyone refute it yet? I found no errors, but I have not taken the time to check you sources.
Thanks for posting.

Red = grammar mistakes
Green = Comments
Blue = suggestions

I hope I have been helpful. Any suggestions made are my own personal feelings I plan on keeping up with the story.

Aren't they mythological, the remnants of some moral tale bequeathed to the Bible writers in the second century BCE? If the account in Genesis is mythological, as is the general perception, then the overwhelming evidence, in all fields of science, would expose it as false.

Let me apply three tests to the story of Adam & Eve;

1) A statistical analysis, incorporating historical population data
2) A biological analysis, examining what biologists now know of the human genetic ancestry
3) A historical analysis, examining the available records of civilized humanity


STATISTICS

First of these Litmus tests is the statistical evidence available. Because human records only go back so far in history, it is necessary to extrapolate data from known quantities, and then project statistical conclusions.

We can start with the world demographic figures, which are generally accepted as accurate as is possible, when dealing with worldwide historical populations.

The current global population on earth is approximately 7.5 billion. We know, as near as possible, that the population of the world reached approximately one billion in the year 1800 CE. This represents a 700% increase in the space of 200 years. This rate of increase would be decreased the further back in time we go. It has been estimated that the global population in the first century was between 200 million and 300 million. When this is compared to the more recent figures, it becomes apparent that the population of the earth has only recently become significant, in the billion realm. In the ancient times, before the Christian era, the population would have been less than 200 million, reducing to a proportionate level as we count back in time. If we apply the proportionate growth rate, from statistics available, it soon becomes apparent that the population figure reduces significantly the further back in time we consider.

The increase in population between the first century and the 18th was about 75%. Working on reducing totals as we go back in time, we would arrive at an approximate figure of 9% increase per century. Applying that to pre- historical history, we start to see a significant reduction in numbers between 0 BCE and 4,000 BCE.

Although it is not possible to project an actual figure of population in ancient times, it is clearly demonstrated that the population numbers would have dwindled (in a reverse setting) to a mere few thousand within several millennia of history on earth.

If we divide a whole number, we reach a smaller number. We can keep applying this mathematical principle to populations until we reach a certain impasse point. Did the human race start with multitudes, or one, or two? Numbers will regress until they become negative. Since human (or any other biological life) can not become a negative, we can assume that there was a point where the human species started at a handful, or one or two. What these statistics do confirm is that intelligent, civilized human beings cannot have existed for hundreds of thousands of years but, in fact, only a few thousand.

Yet doesn't this data contradict what we know from the fossil record, that modern humans are the product of a series of adaptations to primitive creatures - Primates?

An extensive study of fossil history was undertaken by the “Geological Society of London” and the “Palaeontological Association of England”. Professor of natural science John N. Moore reported on the results: “Some 120 scientists, all specialists, prepared 30 chapters in a monumental work of over 800 pages to present the fossil record for plants and animals divided into about 2,500 groups. ... Each major form or kind of plant and animal is shown to have a separate and distinct history from all the other forms or kinds! Groups of both plants and animals appear suddenly in the fossil record. ... Whales, bats, horses, primates, elephants, hares, squirrels, etc., all are as distinct at their first appearance as they are now. There is not a trace of a common ancestor, much less a link with any reptile, the supposed progenitor.” Moore added: “No transitional forms have been found in the fossil record very probably because no transitional forms exist in fossil stage at all. Very likely, transitions between animal kinds and/or transitions between plant kinds have never occurred.”

Zoologist Harold Coffin concluded: “If progressive evolution from simple to complex is correct, the ancestors of these full-blown living creatures in the Cambrian should be found; but they have not been found and scientists admit there is little prospect of their ever being found. On the basis of the facts alone, on the basis of what is actually found in the earth, the theory of a sudden creative act in which the major forms of life were established fits best.”

Dr. John Rosholt of Miami University, working with Dr. Cesare Emiliani, worked out an age prospectus based on minuscule amounts of uranium which have settled to the bottom of the seas as proactinium 231 and thorium 230. Uranium requires thousands of years to decay, and, by testing amounts found in sediment on the ocean floor, the so called warm period of the earth can be determined. Their tests show that, if man came from the sea as a two-legged fish, or as an ape, it took place 95,000 years ago. The time is too short for the fish (or ape) to have evolved into a two-legged man with a will of his own and the ability to impart knowledge to his young. In the universe, 95,000 years is nothing.

BIOLOGY

“Science now corroborates what most great religions have long been preaching: Human beings of all races are ... descended from the same first man.”—Heredity in Humans (Philadelphia and New York, 1972), Amram Scheinfeld.

The World Book Encyclopedia says: “Scientists state that cells which make up the human body are the same for all people. . . In the same way, a biologist can tell human blood from that of lower animals. But all the many types of human blood can be found among all the stocks and races of mankind.”

“The Bible story of Adam and Eve, father and mother of the whole human race, told centuries ago the same truth that science has shown today: that all the peoples of the earth are a single family and have a common origin.”—The Races of Mankind (New York, 1978), Ruth Benedict and Gene Weltfish.

The book Nanomedicine states that the human body is made up of 41 chemical elements. These basic elements—carbon, iron, oxygen, and others—are all present in the “dust” of the earth. Thus, as Genesis states, humans truly are formed “Out of dust from the ground.”

What of the description in Genesis that Eve was created from Adam’s rib?

In January 2008, scientists in California, U.S.A., produced the world’s first mature cloned human embryos from adult skin cells. The same has been done with animals, to the extent that scientists managed to clone a sheep. If human intellect can manipulate biology to achieve such astounding feats, why is it not credible for the designer of life itself to replicate a human from the DNA of another human? Interestingly, surgeons routinely use the rib in reconstructive surgery because of its ability to regrow and replace itself. No other bone in the body has this property. This is why men and women have the same number of ribs. Was the writer of Genesis simply very lucky to choose the rib as the building material for the first woman? Or was he given this information by someone who knew?

In recent years, scientists have researched human genes extensively. By comparing human genetic patterns around the earth, they found clear evidence that all humans have a common ancestor, a source of the DNA of all people who have ever lived, including each of us. In 1988, Newsweek magazine presented those findings in a report entitled “The Search for Adam and Eve.” Those studies were based on a type of mitochondrial DNA, genetic material passed on only by the female. Reports in 1995 about research on male DNA point to the same conclusion—that “There was an ancestral ‘Adam,’ whose genetic material on the [Y] chromosome is common to every man now on earth,” as Time magazine put it.

HISTORY

Language and writing are peculiar and distinctly human. There are no “Primitive” languages or texts. Neither do animals have language and syntax.

Professor of Anthropology and Linguistics G. L. Trager says: “Historical knowledge about existing languages goes back only a few thousand years.”

Did language really start with simple grunts and barks? An article in Science Illustrated of July 1948 stated: “Older forms of the languages known today were far more difficult than their modern descendants ... man appears not to have begun with a simple speech, and gradually made it more complex, but rather to have gotten hold of a tremendously knotty speech somewhere in the unrecorded past, and gradually simplified it to the modern form.”

Linguist Dr. Mason also points out that “The idea that ‘savages’ speak in a series of grunts, and are unable to express many ‘civilized’ concepts, is very wrong.” He adds that “Many of the languages of non-literate peoples are far more complex than modern European ones.”—Science News Letter, September 3, 1955.

On the origin of language, lexicographer Ludwig Koehler wrote: “There has been, especially in former times, much speculation as to how human speech ‘came into being.’ Writers strove to explore ‘animal language.’ For animals also are able to express audibly by sounds and groups of sounds their feelings and sensations, such as contentment, fear, emotion, anger, sexual desire and satisfaction in its fulfilment, and perhaps many other things. However manifold these [animal] expressions may be ... they lack concept and thought, the essential domain of human language.”

After showing how men can explore the physiological aspect of human speech, Koehler adds: “But what actually happens in speech, how the spark of perception kindles the spirit of the child, or of mankind generally, to become the spoken word, eludes our grasp. Human speech is a secret; it is a divine gift, a miracle.”

In contrast to ancient mythologies, Genesis points to a specific location in the Middle East, naming the four rivers which converged in Eden. Palaeontologists have since confirmed that mankind emanates from a starting point in the Middle East.

The Bible statement, in Acts 17:26, that “[God] made out of one man every nation of men, to dwell upon the entire surface of the earth” is acknowledged by many scholars and scientists to be backed up by the facts. John Peter Lange wrote;

“The greatest naturalists have mostly declared themselves against the originality of different human races ... in regard to the alleged fruitfulness of sexual combinations among the various races, the proof of such fruitfulness is justly pronounced one of the strongest proofs of unity. ... The autochthonic theory [that living things (in this case humans) were formed or occurred in the places where they were found] cannot deny the fact that the origin of the various types of men points back to a common home in Asia.”

And so, despite recurring accusations against the Biblical account of Adam and Eve by critics, science does lend serious credibility to their existence. In light of the above facts, it would be both unscientific and unreasonable to dismiss Adam and Eve as simple mythology. In fact, the evidence here presented strongly suggests that such characters are historical and factual. In conclusion, I can state;

Adam and Eve –Yes, Seriously!
88
88
Review by Starling
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Review: Confession of B.B. by von Wahrenberger

Plot:
What is takes to “cure” an insane animal.

Scene/Setting:
Starts in an insane asylum showing methods used. Ends up in a trailer park with the main characters getting together.

Characters:
Dr. Erica Mae Lamb
Mr. Big Bad Wolf

Suggestions:
I found this very entertaining, once I got into the story. I found your use of modern day names and fairy tale stories all intertwined very interesting. I chuckled several times. The whole tale is a good twist. Thank you for posting.

Red = grammar mistakes
Green = Comments
Blue = suggestions

I hope I have been helpful. Any suggestions made are my own personal feelings I plan on keeping up with the story.

Dr. Erica Mae Lamb waltzed with a false air of confidence as she left her office for the processing suite several doors and a floor away. She liked to jokingly tell everyone she was the director for the CIA’s R&D division, but it wasn’t that CIA. It was the asylum for the Rehabilitation and Detention for Criminally Insane Animals. Today, they brought over the Big Bad Wolf from up state. It took mounds of paperwork and even more red tape but she got him into her experimental program. If the therapy worked, she hoped, she could cure him and he’d become a productive member of society. She knew getting through to him would be a daunting task to say the least. She found him sitting behind a table wearing an orange prison jumpsuit and handcuffs. He didn’t look happy to say the least. The session is recorded by a deer from the AV section.

“Well Mr. Wolf,” she introduced herself (she hasn’t really introduced herself, she hasn’t shaken his hand or told him her name, need different word) as she sat across from him. “I’m glad you’re here…”

“Knock off the pretense babe…And don’t call me mister, that’s my dad’s name. Big Bad is fine…” he grumbled.

“Well,” Dr. Lamb exhaled taken back but not surprised. “I’d like to ask you a few questions about a certain lost goose…A Ms. Ida Honker…Do you remember her?”

“Of course, I do…Not exactly, we never met,” he barked. “Hey babe…Lets do some business. How ‘about a cigarette? They don’t let me smoke in the hole…”

She offered him a pack of cigarettes and an ash tray.(one word) The deer looked nervous as she filmed the encounter. Big Bad took a drag, enjoyed it and exhaled satisfied.

“About the goose?” Dr. Lamb probed.

“Never met her,” Big Bad replied. “I got framed for what B.B. did. Lucky whelp…He never had anything stick to him. Just my luck to have a twin brother eh?”

“You have a twin brother named B.B.?” Dr. Lamb asked surmising that Big Bad had descended farther into madness than previously thought.

“Yeah, and two sisters named Big Biter, Big Barker and a brother Big Bruiser,” Big Bad shrugged it off.
“What’s it to you, honey?”

“So, what’s it like having a twin brother that has the same name as you?” she asked kindly.

“My mother’s not a pig!” he exploded and slammed his balled-up paws on the table top. He then yelled, “Where’d you learn about wolfs? I bet you got your degree from the Bahamas! B.B. is short for Bad Breath Wolf. He was driving the car when the goose got whacked… I wasn’t there…”

“Really?” Dr. Lamb seemed genuinely surprised.

The deer nearly had a heart attack.

“Really, babe. Yeah, the car was mine, but I was off on business so I let B.B. drive it. I gave it to him on a Monday (comma) said don’t dent it and went to Syracuse New York…”

“Why were you in Syracuse?”

“I had to bust a few heads at the Elks…They owed O’Wolf a wad so I went there with the boys to collect,” he shrugged and took another drag off the cigarette. “I haven’t had a cigarette this fresh in years…You wouldn’t believe what you have to go through just to get these inside... Any who (my computer says this is one word) came back a week and a day later and I go to the den and get the car. A nice Duesenberg Model SJ…Black with chrome trim…Get up to 104 miles per hour in second gear…What a ride! Think…” he then laughed. “All I had to do was eat that pipsqueak of a mouse that tried to sell it to me!”

“You ate a mouse for a car?” she gasped. “And ‘O’ stands for what? Or is it an exclamative?”

“That’s ‘o’ as in ‘Oh, he’s from Ireland’. As for the mouse, I’m a wolf, sugar…” he retorted looking shocked at her. “What did you expect me to do? Walk in there and buy it?”

“Okay…As in that’s acceptable as opposed to O.K. the abbreviation for Oklahoma,” (this part of the sentence doesn’t make any sense to me as to why it is included) she slowly exhaled not realizing the slip. “Go on…”

“Anyhow I get the car from the den and take it to the pool hall down on the south-side (one word not hyphenated) of Pittsburgh off Carson…I’m aiming to sink this eight ball…I just raked Slim…”

“Slim?”

“Yeah, he’s the cat that aced out Leroy Brown,” Big Bad chuckled. “Should’ve seen him tear up that moose! Can’t say I feel bad about old Leroy, he had a habit of wearing (I think you meant to say ---- weaving ----- here) this big diamond ring he had on everybody’s face. Make enemies that way, no sense of judgement, he was just another stupid moose. I was about to sink it when Jessica…” (I love the way you put Leroy Brown into here. You might get to know ages of your readers by whether they know who it is, lol)

“Jessica?”

“Jessica de Rabbit, not a bad babe but she was drawn out to be that way…What a sorry story. If I feel sorry for anyone it’s her. Poor thing never stood a chance. I mean after what was done to her on the cutting room floor…Who wouldn’t be like that? She’s a onetime (two words) movie star who’s on the down and out. A real jinx though, Slim should’ve known that after what happened to her ex-whatever Rodger…And then Jessica says something like ‘Cheese it! It’s the fuzz!’ but before anything could happen I got four wolfhounds slamming me to the floor. They say I killed and ate the goose mentioned earlier. I tried to explain it to them but the pack scattered…Couldn’t get a corroboration for my alibi.”

“Do you hold any animosity toward ‘the pack’?”

“No way babe,” he shrugged. “Why? They’re wolfs…It’s what we do.”

“Do you know anything about a Little Red Riding Hood?” she asked and made mental notes.

“That’s a trick question darling. That wasn’t Big Bad me…That was my father Big Bad Wolf Sr. Now you want to hear about some animosity issues? Right there! Little Red Riding Hood, now there’s a half pint of evil…Dad’s between gigs and he needs some kindness and charity and look at her. That wench causes my mother to become a widow. That’s animosity,” he wryly smiled and lit another cigarette. He then looked at the deer behind the camera, blew her a kiss and smiled.

The doe then began to panic and after Big Bad licked his lips, she ran from the room screaming.

****

“Now, this is a nice garden salad and these are roasted acorns,” Dr. Jill Elk told Big Bad as she pointed out the cuisine. She sat across from him and tried to hide her nervousness behind a friendly smile.

“And I’m supposed to eat this right?” Big Bad muttered looking it over.

“Yes, and make small talk…Like we’re on friendly terms,” she smiled and cocked her head off to one side.

“Okay I’ll play it your way, deer,” he chuckled as the medication Dr. Lamb prescribed had him seeing things in color.

He went along with it and found it a different experience. Normally he’d run somebody like Jill down and just eat her or maybe bat her around like a toy. However, he went along and found the situation almost agreeable. Afterward as he shook her hand goodbye he slipped back into his natural wolf with a twist. He laid the syrup on thick and stole a kiss. As he did Dr. Lamb walked in, saw it, and began yelling ‘Bad wolf! Bad wolf!’ and worked him over with a telephone book. (This whole paragraph is confusing to me on what is happening. You have him talking to Dr. Lamb then putting down syrup. Cannot figure out what ---- he slipped back into his natural wolf with a twist ---- means. You have Dr. Lamb walking back in the room and you never said she left)

“You call that therapy?” Big Bad asked Dr. Lamb as he checked his jaw line (one word) for missing teeth. He then grasped at the air muttering something about seeing butterflies. “Therapy for what?”

“You’re supposed to be friends with them first!” she screamed.

“Friends? Why would I want to be friends with a dame? I got friends already,” Big Bad replied wondering where he actually was, and who she thought she was talking to.

“Bad wolf!” Erica screamed and wound up with the telephone book.

“I’m a bad wolf! A categorically bad wolf!” Big Bad winced and then said, “I’ll try to change! But I just couldn’t help myself…Her big doe brown eyes! Reminded me of Jackie O.”

“Well work on it!” Dr. Lamb shouted seething resentment.

She then went into the hallway and became furious when Elk said she found Big Bad charming. ‘He’s really a sweetheart once you get past the rough exterior ,’ (need double quote marks) Elk noted. She then said, while exuding a glowing starry-eyed gaze, ‘I think I could get use to a wolf like that…’ (need double quotes at both ends of this phrase) Ironically, a week later, she found herself reassigned in the hospital as a billing clerk’s assistant. (with the apostroph s you are saying she was an assistant to another clerk. If you leave off the apostroph s then her title would be Clerk Assistant)

****
Six months later Dr. Lamb stood before the Clinical Exploration Symposium for the Rehabilitation of the Criminally Insane, on the dais of the surgeon’s gallery. The gathering entailed the notables of medicine and the who’s who of university circles. Mostly sheep, a few elk, and a white elephant, nobody wanted to acknowledge who stood in the far corner. (got a good chuckle out of this) After her introduction, she showed her final film of Big Bad’s conversion. He looked at the camera and plainly stated, ‘I (double quote marks) eat only vegetables now and I like line dancing. Someday I’d like to write a book of poetry…Yes, I feel guilt and shame over what I did in my past…I intend to devote my life to promoting an inclusive world where the diversity of life is respected, where all animals are treated with equality, admiration and dignity. My hobby is ceramics now…My ideal job would be as a florist as it lets me spread the joy and beauty of the great outdoors with aplomb… ‘ (double quote marks) The scene then showed several figurines from the Wizard of Oz, plus a pot of Bachelor Buttons. Big Bad wore a tweed suit with a purple polka-dot bowtie.

After several rounds of applauds (spelling) and an even longer session of questions, Erica and her esteemed colleagues went to the banquet hall. They stayed, ate and Erica played politics. Later that night after taking the long way home to throw off any tails, she pulled into the trailer park off Route 66. Unsurprisingly, she found Big Bad lounging in his recliner chowing down on a bucket of fried chicken watching Saturday Night Live. He belched as she cautiously looked out the front door for any signs she may have been followed.

“It went great!” she said and immediately began to disrobe on her way to the bathroom. “I had them eating out of my hands like only you would believe! Not only did I get the grant money but they gave me a credit line for more ‘research’. What a bunch of rubes!”

“So how much longer do I have on the lamb?” he asked her and cracked a can of cola and lit a cigarette.
we’re off to Albuquerque!”

Big Bad handed her the bucket of chicken and she nosed through it. She then said, “I talked to O’Wolf and his lizard in accounting…the gecko… you know him?”

“Chris? I thought he sold insurance?” Big Bad replied and flexed his eyebrows. (If you leave the question mark then you need to say --- Big Bad questioned and ---; if you make it a statement by changing the question mark to a comma then --- replied is good)

“No…Wrong lizard, I know him too. Chris is on the straight up,” Erica replied and chowed down on a wing.

“Bob…Yeah Bob’s our gecko and in O’Wolf’s pocket, he’ll handle the transfer of funds. O’Wolf gets his cut, Bob gets his and we get the big easy!”

“Smart move you thinking about how we could get paid for it,” Big Bad giggled. (the word --smirked -- might work better than giggled here.)

“Well, the jail break was your idea,” Erica shrugged slinking off to the bathroom with the bucket of chicken. “Finally, a real meal, oh how I hate having to eat grass all the time!”

“I hear that babe,” Big Bad chuckled even louder. “Want to smooch? Nearly a full moon, we could go out back like old times….”

“I have a headache,” she dismally muttered. She then whined, “We’ll smooch and talk later…I need a shower bad. This get-up makes my pelt mat up…Hey want to get with your sister Big Barker and go take in a drive-in theater movie once we got the dough?”

“You know what she’s like around garbage cans! She puts both my cousins Where Wolf and There Wolf to shame! And that’s saying something knowing those boneheads…Figure that,” Big Bad replied with a contemplative tone. “Remember the last time?”

“Sure do!” Erica happily shouted as she stuck her head out of the bathroom. She still had a chicken wing stuffed in her mouth. “It was fun to watch!”

She then took off the rest of her costume, throwing it and the empty bucket for fried chicken against the hallway wall. Erica Mae isn’t a lamb at all, she’s not even a member of the family ovis. (is this misspelled…. Don’t know what the word means) She’s a wolf to the very bone, wearing sheep’s clothing.

The Author has published in soft-cover 'He Came From Earth' and 'Hunters, Killers, Madmen, Part 1'. Available at Amazon.com


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Review of Maysie  
Review by Starling
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Review: Maysie by Jacky
Plot:
The world from a dogs viewpoint.

Scene/Setting:
Maysie doesn't feel well. She goes outside takes a nap and feels better

Characters:
Maysie - Dog
Mum - her human

Suggestions:
Ah this is cute. Flash fiction can be hard because you need a beginning, a middle and an end. You did very well.
Thank you for posting.

Red = grammar mistakes
Green = Comments
Blue = suggestions

I hope I have been helpful. Any suggestions made are my own personal feelings I plan on keeping up with the story.

Maysie

Maysie’s little doggie tummy rumbled. ‘I shouldn’t have eaten that stuff at the park,’ she thought as she tried to get comfortable.

May was not a picky eater, normally she could eat anything. But whatever that was this morning, she should have let it go. Then she remembered how she’d pulled on the leash so hard that she almost pulled Mum off her feet, causing Mum to drop all the stuff she had in her hands then that runner guy came over to help her pick it all up. That’s when Maysie had gobbled up the yummy mess. She’s had to hurry too because there was a fly eying (spelling) it.

May decided she needed to go outside now. Wandering to the door she stood there looking at it. She’d found out early in life that if you look at the door long enough someone comes and opens it. Sometimes you have to “woof” but today Mum came by after just a minute.

“Do you want to go out, Sweety?” she asked, smiling as she opened the door to the yard. Mum often called her “Sweety,” May liked it.

Outside May went to the edge of the grass and ate some. It was the first cure for a queasy tummy, (I would put a period here and start a new sentence) May learned that from her first Mum, at the kennel. After she’d eaten enough, she went to a sunny spot to finish her nap. The tummy ache should be gone by the time she woke up.

Later, when she did wake up, she immediately smelled something new. Getting up, she zoned in on the smell over near the garage. There she found a goopy pile of stuff that smelled weird. She had no idea what it was, but it really smelled yukky. Without another thought she gobbled it up.


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Review by Starling
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: E | (4.5)

Review: Shadows of Tomorrow by Xanion

Plot:
The aftermath of a nuclear war.

Scene/Setting:
A school yard after a nuclear bomb has dropped.

Characters:
Nadia
Rudolph

Suggestions:
Interesting. I loved some of the way you described the landscape. The story kept me reading to the end, if nothing else than to verify you had two ghost talking. You need to really pay attention to your punctuation though. It made for a hard read, because I wanted to make sure I found them all.
Thanks for posting.
If in your original you are adding spaces between each paragraph but it is not showing up in WdC, before you save it go to near the bottom of the page and you will see +Advanced. Click on it and where it says "Default Spacing" click on the arrow and choose "preserve spacing". This will make the program maintain the spacing you want.

Red = grammar mistakes
Green = Comments
Blue = suggestions

I hope I have been helpful. Any suggestions made are my own personal feelings I plan on keeping up with the story.

A sudden gust of wind swept the park, raising clouds of dust and withered grass. The chains of the swing dangled like a hanged man in the last spasms of agony. (I really like the way you worded this)

Wind from the West thought Nadia. She sighed: it truly didn't matter from which direction the winds came from. The elements of nature told the same hackneyed story of a moribund world that she knew too much well. Everything was part of a movie she had already seen. A movie projected around her in black and grey by the rays of a dying sun, struggling to penetrate the festering duvet of dark clouds above her head.

"Oh, heya Nadia. There you are!"

The girl ran a finger through her hair. Same show, same audience.

"Of course I'm here, Rudolph. Wherever else do you think I could possibly go?"

The man shrugged "I don't know. Perhaps...Hawaii? I've heard the beaches are stunning in this season(need period) "

Her hand hit her forehead like a falling brick. "What season? We've got only one season nowadays. You do know this, don't you?"

"You mean the nuclear winter? Let's go skiing then!"

She rolled her eyes (need period) "You know what? I wish someone could truly kill me. At least I won't have to endure your dumb jokes anymore(need period) "

He chuckled, and Nadia watched him trying to tame a wild lock of hair hanging on his face. You really ought to cut your hair, flyboy she thought. The girl flinched. She was starting to sound like her mother. Her mother? What did she sound like? What did she look like?

Nadia shrugged. She wouldn't recognize her mother, even if she met her in the flesh. One couldn't truly tell the difference of features between a radioactive speck of dust and another.
So, she felt she could forgive Rudolph's lack of concern for his looks. They truly didn't matter. Even for her.

Smirking, Nadia gazed at her refined attire: the same, old uniform worn by students of the Muffley High School. And what about her hairstyle? She was certain it would've turned a lot of heads a quarter-century before.

"Rudolph...why are we still here? Just to suffer?"

"This story again?(need closing quote marks) he snorted. (need opening quote marks) We've talked about this before. It's the nukes. Just like that poor sucker at Hiroshima....or was it Nagasaki? You know...the bomb went off with a flash. And then the only thing left of him was a shadow on a wall. Maybe something like that happened to us"

Nadia pursed her lips in a grin (need period) "What are we, if not slaves to this torment?"

For a minute, they just stared at each other in silence. Only the voice of the wind was allowed to be heard.

"Do you remember, Rudolph...when the bombs fell?" she asked, turning her eyes away.

"As if it were yesterday, darling. We'd been at DEFCON 2 for days, and the seat of my plane and my ass had already become best of buddies(need period) "

She gestured in the air, as if she'd been turning the pages of an invisible book(need period) "I was in the library. I had a tough test the next day. Just the thought of failing seemed to me like...like, (need closing quote marks) she let a sad smile blossom on her lips, (need opening quote marks) ...like the end of the world"

"And then DEFCON 1! Boom! Out of nowhere! Scramble all fighters and take down the enemy bombers at all costs!" shouted Rudolph.

"It was almost daybreak. Line after line, paragraph after paragraph, my brain cells were screaming for mercy, (need closing quote marks) she crossed the fighter pilot's jet, (this part of the sentence makes no sense) (you need opening quote marks) And then the sirens. And mankind gets a permanent F in History"

Nadia watched the pilot's smile melt on his face as plastic in a searing heat(need period) "I had one in my sights... almost ready to drop its souvenir on the city. My thumb was getting sweetly closer and closer to the red button...."

"...but the nukes were quicker. And the EMP wave fried all your systems" said Nadia, butting in.
"Oh yeah. I lost control of my bird, plunged into the asphalt jungle, nicely lit by big mushrooms, and crashed...."

"...right into my school. The library, to be more precise(need period) "

Nadia grinned at the pilot, who put an arm behind his head "Oh yes...well. Sorry about that"

The girl giggled "How many times have you apologised (spelling) to me in these years? This will be the hundredth...or the thousandth... How much time has passed?" Nadia felt a shiver in her bones that slowly melted in an uncomfortable sense of warmth (need period)

"I've lost the count, Rudolph. For me, I mean for us, time seems always still. Even the world feels static(need period) "

"You know that's not true, sugar. Last night I saw a pack of those rabid wolves tearing a deer to pieces right in front of the old supermarket. And did you know? The snow's finally torn down the roof of the stadium.(need closing quote marks) He smiled warmly at her. (need opening quote marks) Something's changing in the world. People will one day get out of those bunkers and start rebuilding civilization in no time, you'll see(need period)"

"Is that right?" Nadia said sarcastically. "Humankind will get out of their holes, and start digging holes again for each other. Individual against individual, family against family, group against group, tribe against tribe untile (spelling) one particularly vicious son of a bitch becomes king, or even emperor(need period)" She strut back and forth, waving her right index in the manner of that long-dead History teacher whose lessons used to bore her to death (need period) "Then one day the peasants will realize that a pickaxe can pierce a skull as well as it breaks a rock. Therefore, they'll get a new leader. A president, perhaps, with his nice launch codes suitcase. Then he'll get bored to the point where pressing that tiny button won't seem such a bad idea. And boom! We know the rest"

She stopped, opening her arms like a Pop Star trying to hug legions of her fans(need period) "All of this, just for survival. At least we're out of that s*** now, Rudolph (need period)"
The pilot clapped frantically "Ah ah well done Professor! You see? You can crack a joke if you want!"

Nadia threw her head slightly back and smiled coquettishly. She couldn't deny she felt flattered by the pilot's words. If even a single drop of blood had still been running through her veins, she was sure she could've even blushed.

"But, isn't that good news?" saidasked Rudolph.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, if men come back we'll have someone to scare. Isn't that what ghosts are supposed to do?"
Nadia chuckled and reached out for the pilot's cheek. She felt a sting of sadness piercing her as the fingers met no resistance.

"Rudolph, my good Rudolph. Look around you. Do you really think you could ever be scarier than this?"


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Review of Friendship  
Review by Starling
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Review: Friendship by mistermavin96

Plot:
A short psychological writing on a certain subject. (autor's words)

Suggestions:
You have offered many questions and have invited people to answer. I am taking it for granted here this was written for a contest, but maybe it was just a thought you had to try and find an answer to. I do agree with you that companionship can help and that humans start to break down when it is taken away. One of the reasons brain washing can even take place is because of this failing in the human psyche.

Thanks for giving your thoughts.

Red = grammar mistakes
Green = Comments
Blue = suggestions

I hope I have been helpful. Any suggestions made are my own personal feelings I plan on keeping up with the story.


What is it that makes a man search for companionship? Why is man so incapable of solitude? Is it a weakness, that man must be accompanied in order to keep sane? It truly is fascinating that man can survive freezing temperatures, boiling hot climates, high-pressure locations, and the air-deprived heights of the mountains, but isolate him, and he starts to slowly break down. It also intrigues to note how the common person takes for granted such a thing as idle chatter, mistaking such a necessity for luxury. Many times, you ask someone what they need to live, they shall say "Food", "Shelter", (lower case on both words) or "water". Very few shall admit "companionship" into this list of the essentials. Why is this so? As someone who has been through loneliness, I know it is definitely a unforgettable experience, so why do we let it slip our minds?


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Review by Starling
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Review: Aphorisms: This I Believe by runoffscribe

Plot:
The author is giving us some of his/her beliefs.

Scene/Setting:

Characters:
Author

Suggestions:
This is an interesting piece. I can see why it is a work in progress. Keep going. Thanks for posting.

Red = grammar mistakes
Green = Comments
Blue = suggestions

I hope I have been helpful. Any suggestions made are my own personal feelings I plan on keeping up with the story.

Irony is an existential nutrient in a robust diet of ideas.

Voltaire never said, "I may hate what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it." That was his biographer's summation.

We are part-time amateur voters up against full-time professional politicians. We have them outnumbered. They have us cornered.

"I" is the shortest word in the English language, and so the strongest. Use it sparingly.

A child can write to anyone, and often get back a straight answer. Do you want to romance an actress? Serve legal documents by mail? Send some ayatollah a Chrismas (spelling) card? Address the envelope in crayon, lefthanded. (two words or hyphenated)

We teach our children rules so they may grow to live in a society of laws. We teach our children fairness so that they may grow to live in a society of justice. (not a new paragraph)
But rules are not laws, fairness is not justice and we are not children.

Write in the first person. Write for a single second person. Review in the third person.

"Schadenfreude" is a four-syllable word.

To every drinking song there are a hundred lost verses.

It can be hard to tell, from a distance, a pattern from a genuine idea.


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Review of Bottled Love  
Review by Starling
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Review: Bottled Love by The Phoenix Scribe

Plot:
A teenager receives a strange bottle as an inheritance from his grandfather.

Scene/Setting:
We are taken through the summer months with Thomas learning how to handle a genie

Characters:
Thomas August
Lazuli
Various family members

Suggestions:
I corrected all the ones I could find you need help learning punctuation, especially conversational punctuation. You also want to try and not use the word "said" as much as you can. You can show who is talking by what the person does, or even who answers them. I tried to give some examples.

It is an interesting story and there are a lot of directions you can go in if you want to expand on it.

Red = grammar mistakes
Green = Comments
Blue = suggestions

I hope I have been helpful. Any suggestions made are my own personal feelings I plan on keeping up with the story.

My name is Thomas August, and this is the story of how I met the love of my life.
You may think this like other stories of the sort, I met some girl in high school and after a few bumps we eventually got married and lived happily ever after. Well... you'd only be half right. This story actually begins at a funeral, specifically my Great Uncles funeral, (new sentence, period not comma and caps on "My") my family and I were attending the reading of Great Uncle Seamus Patrick O'Brien, c:blue} (new sentence, period not comma, caps on "He") he was a rich man, c:blue} (new sentence, period not comma, caps on "When") when I was a kid I liked him but as I got older I disliked him. Not as much as Grandpa but still, I loathed the guy. Anyway my family, consisting of me, my younger sister Rebecca, my dad Robert, my mom Amber, and my Grandfather Walter, sat down to hear the reading of the will.(caps on Will, you are talking about a specific item)
The lawyer had a giant mustache, this made up for the fact that he was a lawyer. (I don't think this sentance is needed. I have suggested a different place to put it in) "To my Grandnephew, I give this," the lawyer , with the giant mustashe, produced a bottle from the desk. "This is my most prized possession, and despite our growing distance between each other, I have decided that you should care for this. It has been the key to my wealth, it was found along the coast of Israel. As I am sure that you all know, I have never been to Israel. To make a long story short, I stole this lamp to sell it on the black market to help my family (add comma and remove parentheses) (which includes you, Walter). But instead I kept it; it has given me nothing but luck to my financial well-being ever since." The lawyer said read .
It was a fairly normal looking lamp. Sort of like the one on 'I Dream of Genie'... what? There are worse shows to watch then supernatural sitcoms from the dawn of colored TV. At any rate, at the time I thought that the lamp was just some manner of curiosity. Though it did strike me as odd that he would consider something lucky, I mean he's Irish but that's a whole other matter, but he was more than a little skeptical about most things. I did think that the bottle looked pretty... though I did feel cheated as the lawyer continued.
"To my dearest niece Amber, as I have no children, and you're my brothers eldest child you'll receive my vast wealth, and to my son-in-law Robert I grant you control of my holdings, my brother Walter shall receive my estate. You've told me nonstop how much you hate that home you were living in, so now that I'm dead you'll be free to live in it."
"It's about time that lazy half-wit gave me something!" Grandpa Walter said, interrupting the lawyer.
"And to my sweet granddaughter Rebecca, I'm giving you my late wife's collection of porcelain dolls. I know how much you loved them, and I've never really had much use for them since my dearest Rose passed. Just be careful with them, they're extremely fragile." The lawyer said finished reading. , and on (remove comma, caps on "On") the ride home (comma) after the will was read (comma) any admiration for the bottle pretty much disappeared.
Dad gets Grandpa's businesses, mom (caps) gets the money, Rebecca got those dolls, (I didn't much care for them in the first place but that's beside the point) and Grandpa got the mansion, but me...? (not needed) all I got was a dumb decanter! When we got home I was just furious, so out of spite, I kept that thing out of my sight. Things were fairly normal until my mom (caps) asked me to clean my room. Now I normally I keep a tight ship in my room, the point is I don't do much in the way actual cleaning. So I went about dusting... and my OCD (In this day and age everyone knows what OCD stands for but in writing you never give an abbreviation first thing; you spell it out and put OCD in parentheses; the second time you use it in a work you can just put the initials) went nuts when I noticed there was a smug on the lamp.
"And for the big question, when was Rebecca in here to get chocolate on this thing?" I said to myself as I took a cloth to the smudge... then my life was forever changed as the lamp shook, and smoke shot out of the top. Eventually, the magical chaos from the bottle stopped... and on my bed sat a girl. She was clad in what could best be described as a blue belly dancer outfit, she looked about my age, had dark brown skin, black shoulder length hair, and blue eyes.
"Alright kid, I suppose you're my new master. My name is Lazuli, and I'll be your genie." She said bluntly, I was a bit put off. Not only by a pretty girl sitting on my bed but... well, she just said that she was a genie. That kind of raises some questions.
"I... what... who... when... I have no idea what is going on here!" I said.
"Really...? wait (caps) , what happened to that Shamus guy? Who are you, and how did you get my lamp?" The (lower case) genie asked suspiciously.
"WHAT ARE YOU-?! My-my name is Thomas, and I inherited this thing from my grandfather!" I said as I picked up the lamp.
"Is that true? I was wondering why that old paddy wasn't bugging me about magical lore for the last few months. Not a day goes by where he doesn't pester me for knowledge on how to get more wishes." The genie said.
"Wait... if you're a genie, and grandpa Shamus said in his last will and testament, that the lamp gave him good luck. Does that mean-"
"That he used me to wish for fortune, luck, and a couple other things. Yes, that he did ." The (comma not a period and lower case on "the") genie said sardonically.
"I... this is incredible! Magic is real! I..." I said in awe as I tried to grasp the situation before me.
"Dude, take a deep breath and calm down {c:lred), do (period not a comma, Caps on "Do") you have any wishes you'd like to make? Or are you going to keep stammering out questions?" The genie saidasked; it (lower case on "the"; remove semi-colen and replace with a period, Caps on "It") took me a while to calm down.
"So... you grant wishes?" I asked.
"Yep, pretty much anything you would want." The (lower case) genie said.
"How many wishes do I get?" I asked.
"Just the three, though I've heard of a few that stick to just one." The (lower case) genie said.
"Okay... is there any catch I should know about?" I asked.
"Well, there are a few things you can't wish for. Not because I can't grant them of course, but more because of ethics and because our wish-granting powers can be a bit... imprecise." The (lower case) genie said.
"Like what, that I can't wish for someone to fall in love with me, to kill people, or bring back the dead?" I asked... well yes, Aladdin was the first place where I thought to ask about it.
"Well... yes actually. Good guess, also you need to be really; REALLY specific with what you want, otherwise, the wish could backfire horribly." The (lower case) genie said.
"Well... that's kind of the problem... I don't know what to wish for."(comma not a period) I admitted.
"Well take your time... I could use some conversation that doesn't involve wishing. Maybe get out of that blasted lamp, and stretch my legs for more than a few minutes a day."(comma not a period; lower case on "the") ." The genie said.
"Thomas, are you done cleaning up there? Are you skipping out on cleaning so you can watch videos online?" My mom said asked (lower case on "my"; upper case on "Mom") from downstairs.
"N-No mom (upper case}, I'm just... talking to myself!" I said. maybe use another word beside said; try "...shouted back..." or something along that line)
"So you don't want your mother to know about me, ashamed to have a genie about?" The (lower case) genie asked sarcastically.
"Okay, now I got an idea for my first wish. I wish there was a plausible reason for you to live here that my family will accept. You're an exchange student and that as far as they're concerned you're a completely normal teenage girl!" I said.
"Really...? (remove question mark) a chance to live a normal life again. Very well, your wish is my command master." The genie said, she (comma not a period after "master"; lower case on "the"; period not a comma after "said"; caps on "She") then snapped her fingers. She then disappeared in a puff of magic smoke.
"Thomas! There's someone new that's going to be living with us." My mod (comma not a period after "us"; lower case on "my"; misspelling on "Mom" and don't forget to capitalize it) said.
"It isn't Aunt Loreto and Uncle Terry again is it? I only just now got their hair out of the bathtub drain." I said as I left my room and went downstairs. There at the front door was the genie, still wearing her belly dancer get up.
"No, her name is Lazuli. She's an exchange student who will be living with us, and she will be starting school with you next year." My mom (comma not a period after "year"; lower case on "my"; uppercase on "Mom") said, apparently oblivious that the girl was wearing a belly dancing costume.
"Oh... nice to meet you... Lazuli, was it?" I said asked awkwardly to the genie .
"Likewise, now where will I be residing?" The (lower case) genie asked.
"Well, Thomas's room has plenty of space. You wouldn't mind, would you?" My mom (lower case on "my"; uppercase on "Mom") asked.
"Yes... I would not mind having her sleep in my room." (comma not a period) I said awkwardly.
"Now son don't be- wait what?" My mom (lower case on "my"; uppercase on "Mom") said in surprise.
"What? It'd be nice to have someone my own age around... and whom I'm certain is a fairly normal person. Want to come up to my room?" I said asked .
"Don't see why not." The genie said as she followed me upstairs.
"Okay, how doesn't mom (caps) notice that you're a belly dancer?" I asked.
"Magic... really not that hard to understand; besides it was part of your wish, so as far as your family is concerned I don't look any out of the ordinary." The genie said. ( (we know it is the genie talking so you don't have to specify. You want to keep as many of "I said", "she said" and others out of your work as possible. If you have them doing something you don't have to specify someone talking)
"Okay... but will others notice?" I asked.
"Well yes, of course, you didn't wish that no one at all would notice. Please tell me you're not going to waste a wish trying to correct the holes in your first wish? I've had far too many masters who wished to correct a wish before the third one." The genie said. (
"No, no that's fine, I don't know about you, but I want to save my wishes... preferably not on something like make making people think you aren't dressed like a belly dancer... why are you dressed like one anyway?" I asked.
"It's standard for female genies. Though I don't know why trust me I asked around and I've never once got a straight answer." The genie said. (
"Well, then there are two things I've got to say. We need to get you some new clothes and your abs look quite magnificent... seriously! I bet you could grate cheese on those abs of yours!" I said, noting the genies midriff. I'm not even joking, her abs look like an Olympic champion.
"Why is that the first thing people note in regards to my midriff? Even before I was a genie, now what do you suggest on getting clothes?" The genie asked. (
"Not really sure, you might have to talk to mom (caps} about that," I said.
"Your mother's name is Amber, right? I'll go and talk to her. Though... why haven't you already burned through your wishes? Almost every master I ever had burned through the three wishes as soon as meet me." The genie asked. (
"That's... I don't think that's an easy question to answer.(comma not a period) " I said nervously.
The truth of the matter was that... I don't have much in the way of friends. At least not in person, but that isn't really my point. While I'm certain that you think that I found Lazuli attractive... and you'd be right, but I wasn't in love with her, not at first. Heck, I barely thought about her romantically when I first saw her. I was just amazed that magic was real. It was just nice to have someone around who I could rely on... even if she was apparently an ancient magical being that could warp the fabric of space and time on a whim.
Anyway, I think I'm just rambling. It wasn't long before my mom (caps} and the genie returned home from clothes shopping. "Well, it took longer than I thought. But, I got some up to date clothes." The {comma not a period; lower case on "the") genie said.
"Well... where are they?" I asked the genie then snapped her fingers and her belly dancer costume was replaced. Specifically, she was now wearing, a grey shirt, dark blue leather jacket, jeans, and boots.
"Wait... can't you just use magic to make clothes from thin air?" I asked.
"You'd think so, but anything that currently exists on mass and can be bought... well, it can also be magically stolen, and eventually, that theft would be traced to me. Or more specifically you as my master, and besides, this is the first time in decades I've had the chance to acquire my own clothes!" The (lower case) genie said with a happy look on her face.
"What's the other set?" I asked, the genie then snapped her fingers and... well, let me put it this way. She would not have looked out of place... at a discotheque anyway. It was all I could do to not fall down laughing with tears.
"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up; Shamus thought it was hilarious too." The genie said in resignation as my sides started to ache as I howled with laughter at how ridiculous the genie now looked. "I swear, I express a mild interest in disco and that old paddy never lets me live it down." The {comma not a period; lower case on "the") genie said bitterly as she snapped her fingers, returning to her modern clothes.
"I-I'm sorry, it's just... that has to be the most absurd thing I've ever seen!" I said as I got to my feet.
"Changing the subject, you want to make another wish? Or are you going to wait like you said?" The (lower case on "the") genie asked.
"I'm going to wait, you have my word. For now... let's try to have some fun." I said, thankfully (though not for my uncle) it was the beginning of summer vacation. So we had about three months to enjoy ourselves, and let me tell you it was great!
The first thing we did was play video games. Though showing Lazuli how a controller worked was a bit... time-consuming. "So, you jump with this button?"
"Yes."
"And I use power-ups with this button?"
"Yes."
"That everything I need to know? It seems simple enough."
"Well yes, for now. Let the games begin."
And thus began our time playing video games. It was a simple enough game for us to play, and we played that game for most the week in fact... not all at once of course. Then we spent another week playing a different game, and it sort of went on like that for at least a month. It was pretty fun to have someone to play a video game or two with... that wasn't my sister, and I'd spend the entire time trying to get her to not goof around and effectively sabotage the actual fun.
Then we went out to see a movie one night, just me and Lazuli, the two of us alone. "So, this is how courting works these days?" The (lower case on "the") genie asked.
"What, you thought this was a date?!" I asked in surprise.
"It wasn't...? oh well it was a good movie anyway." Lazuli said, and then we were caught off guard by an armed mugger.
"GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY!" He shouted; Lazuli quickly disarmed the thug.
"Oh, you'd like more than that wouldn't you?" Lazuli said bitterly as she magically conjured up a sword.
"LAZULI...! no! We do not kill!" I said.
"What? I wasn't going to." Lazuli said as the mugger shrieked and ran into an alleyway.
"What was that all about?" I asked.
"I... may have lost a master or two to craven criminals a long time ago. And I was not going to risk losing another master like that again. Besides, I really like you kid." Lazuli said as she dissipated her sword and we continued on home. We told mom (caps) and dad (caps) about what had happened, but replaced, 'created magic sword' to, 'Lazuli has extensive knowledge of martial arts'.
"So... anybody interesting that you've had for a master?" I asked as I got ready for bed. As a genie Lazuli obviously didn't really need sleep, so she spends most of her nights meandering around town... this wasn't one of those nights.
"That's a bit of a personal question to be asking." (comma not a period) Lazuli said.
"I'm just curious," I said.
"I'll bet, doesn't mean I'm going to tell you everything about everyone who's ever had my lamp." Lazuli said.
"Can you really blame me?" I asked.
"Not really, first time you've ever actually asked me about former masters." Lazuli said.
"Well, I want to know now," I said.
"Well once upon a time my first master was a king who I loved very much, even before I was made into a Genie." Lazuli said.
"You used to be Human?!" I said in surprise.
"Yep, when that was and who that king was I'm not going to say a word." (comma not a period) Lazuli said.
"Well... anyone else?" I asked.
"Not really worth going into detail. Some were half-way decent, others were bad, and some squandered wishes as soon as meet me on dumb stuff. Seriously, one of my masters wished for a sandwich... three times, with three separate wishes. Not even the handful of children I've had for masters ever wasted wishes like that." Lazuli ranted.
"Huh... well, goodnight Lazuli. See you in the morning; maybe pester you further about former masters tomorrow." (comma not a period) I said.
"Yeah... you remember that we're going to Shamus's beach house tomorrow right?" Lazuli said, (period not a comma) I had completely forgotten about that, that we were going to stay at Great Uncle Shamus's beach house. The next day we were there.
"Oh come on, surely you can have fun outdoors Mr. Grumpy," Lazuli said as she pinched my cheeks.
"It's just... the beech (spelling)is really hot, and I'm not fond of salt water." I said .
"You can't swim can you?" Lazuli asked , (period not comma) I just sheepishly muttered yes.
"Well I can help you, if not to swim, then to at least enjoy swimming," Lazuli said supportively.
"Thomas got a girlfriend! Thomas got a girlfriend!" My (lower case) sister sang teasingly... she wasn't wrong. I mean we were effectively dating anyway. It just wasn't official... not even sure how having a genie as a girlfriend would work anyway. I mean, could that even be done in the first place?
Well anyway, shortly after we arrived Lazuli and I were in the sea, with Lazuli helping me to keep my head over the water. "You know you can wish that you can breathe underwater. That's within my power to do... and even if my back is technically non-corporeal. You're surprisingly heavy in the water." Lazuli said.
"No, I'm fine, REALLY," I said as I struggled to get onto Lazuli's back.
"Come on! It's just that simple. Just say something to the effect of. 'Genie, I wish I could breathe underwater.' Something like that... please... it's getting harder to hold you up." Lazuli said... that was when the fins jutted over the water's surface. "Oh good... sharks and today was going so well." Lazuli said.
"Okay got to keep it together, the-There not inherently dangerous animals. Sharks aren't as dangerous as they're made out to be... doesn't stop them being dangerous all the same." I said nervously, then we got a better look and saw that they were Great Whites... and they had blood around there faces, that really meant only one thing.
"Okay... as long as we do this calmly. They won't harm us, just need to fly out of the water, and hope you don't fall." Said (comma not a period, lower case on "said") Lazuli as she slowly floated out of the water and dragging me up.
"Well... now I have another reason to avoid the ocean." (comma not a period) I said as we flew to the shore.
"Come on, it was at least a freak occurrence." (comma not a period) Lazuli said.
"You... fly?" Said (lower case)Jenifer... who was standing near where we had landed, and looking perplexed.
"What? Flying? That's just crazy." I said.
"Alright, you figured it out kiddo... the secret is out. I'm actually a powerful Vampire, and we're actually all immune to sunlight. In fact, I made your brother a Vampire, weird isn't it?" Lazuli said lying through her teeth. Then she ran back to the beach house screaming.
"I've been wanting that kind of power over her for years!" I said.
"Yeah, kids are really easy to lie to. Of course, you have to be careful with what you lie about." Lazuli said, over (period after "said"; Caps on "the") the next two weeks the time at the beach house went by normally... well except now Jennifer (you used a different spelling here than you did above) was trying to prove to mom and dad that we were Vampires.
So from then on, that summer followed a pattern for me. Lazuli and I played video games, and go out and see a movie. Put simply... it was nice to have someone to hang out with and do things with. Rather than attempt and fail to do things with Jennifer that just leave left me infuriated.
Yes, my summer with Lazuli was one of the best of my life... but as I'm sure I don't have to tell you. Summer Vacation doesn't last forever. It was a tense affair as we were both being registered for High School. "So it's been centuries since I've been exposed to an education system. Got any idea what we're in for?" Lazuli asked.
"No idea... though I can't help but feel terrible." (comma not a period) I said frankly as we were getting our ID cards made.
"Don't worry about it... you could just wish to not have to go." Lazuli said.
"No... no this is something I need to do. If I really want a wish, it'll be for something unique." I said. Thankfully the matter with the ID cards was a brief matter. And then the fateful day came... and it was an exhausting nightmare from the first class. By the time we got home, I was burnt out, and it took all my energy to get to my bedroom and fall on my bed.
"Thomas? Are you sure you don't want to make another wish? Like something that makes High School easier?" Lazuli suggested.
"I don't know... I don't want to wish for anything selfish. Besides, why are you so anxious for me to make more wishes?" I asked.
"That's... a fair question. You remember that movie we watched, the cartoon one with-"
"Yes... you have great power, but you're bound to your bottle, and you can't really use the full extent of your magic unless it's granting wishes. You can't actually use your powers for your own benefit. I said that I'd use my last wish to free you." I said.
"I know... but it's more than just that. Look, how about I do your homework tonight; I'll magically transfer the information into your brain?" Lazuli said, I just mumbled something under my breath. I then heard her mumble something about someone named Solomon. Anyway, the rest of the week went by in a blur. The only things I can really remember is that I ping-ponged back and forth between blind rage and depression.
"Okay... I think I'm ready for that second wish." I said Friday afternoon as we returned home.
"And what would that be my master?" Lazuli saidasked .
"Well... I want to turn into a dragon. But I have no idea how that would turn out if I just ask for it. Will I be stuck as a dragon forever? Will I be forever a giant reptile? Will I only be able to breathe fire, or other elements and powers?" I said in exhaustion.
"You mean... you want to BRAINSTORM A WISH?! It's been so long since I've done that! I'll draw up some parameters to your wish!" Lazuli said, and thus we began to brainstorm my dragon wish in further detail beyond, 'I wish to turn into a dragon', and possibly have it unintentionally backfire on me.


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94
94
Review of Second Honeymoon  
Review by Starling
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Plot:

Scene/Setting:

Characters:
Marie Jenkins
Carl Jenkins
Matt Jenkins - Marie's father
Detective Luke Turner
Tara

Suggestions:
Very well done. I love the way you build the story to the point we know Carl has staged his death and then you kill him off. Only found a few mistakes. Thanks for writing.

Red = grammar mistakes
Green = Comments
Blue = suggestions

I hope I have been helpful. Any suggestions made are my own personal feelings I plan on keeping up with the story.

...No fish tonight.She’d (need space after period) been surprised ...

...Feeling neglected,She thought,t (space after comma, lower case on "she", space after comma, missing the "i" in it, also since you have this in italic you can leave out the words "she thought") would be ...

...It had been at least two years since they’d spent the weekend in the old cabin that had belonged to her parents. I given it t had been given to the young couple as a wedding present (the first part of this sustenance does not make sense) and...

...started to the dock.” (do not need these quote marks) ...

...window. Now, (I would take out the word "now", caps on "It") it was completely...

see? (I would write this as: The boat had no lights. Why had he stayed.....)

“I’m detective (caps) Luke Turner,” ...

...looking at Jenkin’s (since you have an "s" on the end of Jenkins then the apostophy goes after the "s" = Jenkins' ) small boat. ...

...for him!” and she (caps) stormed off to stand on the dock and watch for her father....

...What was he thinking?(not a new paragraph)
She thought about the jovial mood he had been in since he came home from ...


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95
95
Review by Starling
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Plot:
Written for the 7/6 flash fiction contest. Theme: a treasure hunt. (Author's words)

Scene/Setting:
Father and daughter hunting for buried treasure in their yard.

Characters:
Noah Lilly - father
Brooke Lilly - daughter

Suggestions:
This is priceless. I laughed out loud when I got to the last line. I sure hope you won something for it. The story moves nicely and is easy to picture. There were just some minor errors.

Red = grammar mistakes
Green = Comments
Blue = suggestions

I hope I have been helpful. Any suggestions made are my own personal feelings I plan on keeping up with the story.

Nine-year-old (all lower case)

Her (lower case)

She (lower case)

sunburnt, (two words)

it.” (comma not a period)


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96
96
Review by Starling
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Review: Unspoken Part: A Place to Belong by JSWriterGirl

Plot:
A story of tragedy, loss, and finding yourself in a world where it seems impossible (Author's Words)

Scene/Setting:
Starts out with the Author in High Schoole. Then Author goes to boot camp.

Characters:
Author
Mother
Aunt
Military Personnel

Suggestions:
I like the way this is written. Diaries have always been very popular with many people because they show a slice of life not normally visited by others. It would be interesting to know the feedback you get when you get the story completed, feedback from others in the military, those thinking of joining and even parents of the people who have joined. Keep going because it is a good story and will help someone someday, I just know it. Sorry to hear about your mom. Take care of yourself.

Jane

Red = grammar mistakes
Green = Comments
Blue = suggestions

I hope I have been helpful. Any suggestions made are my own personal feelings I plan on keeping up with the story.

Corrections in Chapter 1:
tv (I would spell this out as television) .


ASVAB, (when you use an abbreviation for the first time you spell the full name out and then add the abbreviation in parenthesis afterward: example = Lots of Laughs (LOL) )

MEPS (when you use an abbreviation for the first time you spell the full name out and then add the abbreviation in parenthesis afterward: example = Lots of Laughs (LOL) )


MOS, (when you use an abbreviation for the first time you spell the full name out and then add the abbreviation in parenthesis afterward: example = Lots of Laughs (LOL) )

PT (when you use an abbreviation for the first time you spell the full name out and then add the abbreviation in parenthesis afterward: example = Lots of Laughs (LOL) ) every weekend with my recruiter and took practice PT (since this is the second use of the abbreviation it is correct to leave it as it is) tests.

...except, tell my mother that I had joined the Army. (LOL, what did your mom think you were doing all the time you were working at figuring very thing out on the weekends. I never would have been able to keep it from my mom. It's good you were away at college.)

"Hello", (comma goes inside quote marks) a quiet voice answered.

Corrections in Chapter 2: (needs to be relabeled)

a... and ruck (is this a misspelling or a name for something military?) a twelve mile...

AIT, (when you use an abbreviation for the first time you spell the full name out and then add the abbreviation in parenthesis afterward: example = Lots of Laughs (LOL) )


























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97
97
Review of Touch  
Review by Starling
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Review: Touch by Fountainpen (Anthony Kelly)


Plot:
A Journalist from the future writes about a curious Alien Species. (Author's Words)

Scene/Setting:
Either a classroom setting or a paper written for publiction.

Characters:

Suggestions:
This was excellent. I had no problem picturing the creature or its methods of surviving. It was interesting the way you explained it as an infestations of Earth, that Earthlings were taking in stride and attempting to handle. I found no errors. Thank you for writing. I was wondering if you have taken this farther and written a complete story about the worm and Earthlings.

Red = grammar mistakes
Green = Comments
Blue = suggestions

I hope I have been helpful. Any suggestions made are my own personal feelings I plan on keeping up with the story.


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98
98
Review by Starling
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Review: The Flashes, Chapter 4 by Bruce

Plot:
Morgan decides to settle in town as a guard and Baldwin returns to the Flashes

Scene/Setting:
Morgan and Baldwin go into town to check it out. They help carry some of the food items Dunstrum hopes to sell. Morgan decides to stay and be a guard. Baldwin decides to return to the Flashes to be with Erica. By the end of the chapter Pirates are coming ashore to attack.

Characters:
Baldwin
Morgan
Dunstum
Erica
Anabell
Flora - barmaid

Suggestions:
After the first two or three chapters, you have really gotten into the flow of the story. Everything seems to be a bit smoother. I think you could probably add some internal dialogue if you like to do that sort of thing.

Red = grammar mistakes
Green = Comments
Blue = suggestions

I hope I have been helpful. Any suggestions made are my own personal feelings I plan on keeping up with the story.

Chapter 4
When Baldwin returned from his ablutions at the cascading spring, Erica woke Morgan and began to poach some eggs leaving the two men to chat amongst themselves. They had just finished their breakfast when the family returned from the shore. They The family warmed their hands by the fire and Elfwine went to a shelf and brought out the two swords and daggers and gave them to Morgan and Baldwin.

“I feel dressed now,” Morgan said. “If you direct us to town we will leave you in peace.”

“Me and Elfwine are taking our produce to town,” Dunstan said. “You can come with us.”

“I want to go to town,” Erica said. “I haven’t been for weeks. Can I go instead of Elfwine?”

“You will struggle with the load?” Dunstan said.

“No I won't, (missing closing quote marks) Erica said. "And even if I do, I am sure Baldwin will help me with it.”

Morgan laughed. “And I will help you, Dunstan.”

“I don’t like it,” Elfwine said. “You will be at risk on the way back.”

Dunstan laughed. “I am old, Elfwine, but I can still handle my sword.”

“And I have my sword too,” Erica said.

Elfwine gave a sarcastic laugh. "Your short sword is no more than a large dagger."

"It could still kill a robber," she replied. Elfwine shook his head and walked through the cave to the small bay.

They set off with Morgan and Dunstan at the front chatting. "I must apologise if I seemed a bit mistrusting last night," Dunstan said.

"No need," Morgan said. "You have three women to think of and you invited two strangers into your home. You needed to be a bit cautious as I would have been myself. We are grateful for your hospitality and for saving us from the sea. Had the tide taken us out again we would have surely perished. Thanks to your family we live to fight another day."

"So you really are soldiers?" Dunstan asked.

"You could say that. But we do not belong to any particular force. People pay us for our skills and when our job is done, we move on. Or at least we used to. I think we are both looking for a less adventurous occupation."

"So you want to settle down."

Morgan laughed. "I wouldn't go that far."

Baldwin and Erica followed behind with Baldwin amusing Erica with tales of his adventures. He told her of the disaster at Pavillion but she was more interested in the rescue of Lady Margaret. She suddenly took hold of Baldwin's hand and he responded with a kiss on her cheek, nearly dropping the basket of seafood in the process.

The route started through marshland, then began rising through some woods before opening up as a pass that went through the twin peaks. After that, it started to drop down again through another wooded area and out onto a clearing where the town of Mossley came into view.

The town was protected by a deep ditch and a post fence with the main gate on the landward side, and a smaller access gate on the seaward side. The gate at the seaward side of the town was small, just a people gate. The group stood at the ditch and Dunstan called across. “Come on then, put the walkway out.”

“Only the two of you can come in. The two strangers have to go around to the main gate.”

“They are my guests, I can stand for them.”

“I don’t care,” the guard shouted back. "To get in they must report to the main gate and get checked in by a senior.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“No, that’s security, that's the safety of the townsfolk.”

“It’s okay,” Baldwin said. “We’ll go to the main gate. But can you two manage with the produce?”

“Yes, we can manage," Dunstan said. "It’s not far to the market from here. Farewell then and don't forget to come and see us some time.”

“I will definitely call in soon,” Baldwin said.

“I’ll look forward to that,” Erica said. “Don’t leave it too long.”

Baldwin and Erica smiled and kept eye contact for a long moment. He took her hand and kissed the back. “I’ll be thinking of you until we meet again.”

The men walked off around the perimeter towards the main gate.

The guard put out the walkway and opened the small gate for Dunstan and Erica. It was a small town of a couple of hundred people. Most of the buildings were single storey with thatched roofs but in the centre there were a few with two floors. The town hall being one also had a spotter's cabin on top where the alarm was sounded in the event of a probable attack.

Dunstan looked at Erica. “It seems that you have a soft spot for our warrior friend.”

“No, just being friendly.”

“It looks more than friendly and you could do a lot worse than Baldwin.”

Why, whatever do you mean, Father?" Erica grinned. “Is it that obvious?”

Dunstan laughed. "It is now that you have called me father. You haven't done that since you were six years old."

Baldwin and Morgan arrived at the main gate. The bridge was down, but the gate closed. They walked up to the gate and were let in by two guards and taken to the guard master’s office.

“What is your business here?” the guard master asked.

“Looking for work,” Morgan said.

"Where have you come from?"

"We were guests down at The Flashes," Morgan said.

"I know Dunstan well, but you couldn't have been there that long. Where were you before?"

"We were guards for The Duke of Lovat," Baldwin said.

“Very impressive. There is always work for good men like you. You look strong and fit. Have you had much combat experience, though, by the look of your swords, you probably have?”

“Yes, and my friend here started his career with the Advent Militia. (remove the space before the quotes and add it after the quote marks) ”Baldwin said. “But we have done our time now and we just want work.”

“I’m looking for men like you. More guards are needed. The pay is good, meals provided and you’ll have sleeping quarters in the guard’s compound.”

“Sounds good to me,” Morgan said.

The man looked at Baldwin. “What about you?”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Put your names on the visitors’ list for now. You can get a bed at The Bull Inn tonight, and let me know if you want the jobs in the morning.”

The men got to The Bull Inn and stood outside. "So this is the famous Bull Inn," Morgan said.

"What's famous about this?"

"I don't know. When I was at Advent the men there used to talk about The Bull Inn at Mossley."

"Maybe there is another Bull Inn." Morgan followed Baldwin into the Inn. There were a few men in there of differing ages and an old woman sitting alone. A fire was blazing with some dry logs in the hearth and the place seemed warm and inviting. "It's a clean place anyway," Baldwin said.

They walked to the bar. A serving girl was filling a jug. "A jug of ale and two mugs," Baldwin said.

{c:lred) (missing opening quote marks) Sit down somewhere and I'll fetch them over," the girl said.

They sat down, the girl brought their ale and Baldwin paid her.

Morgan stared at her as she walked off. "Now that's a woman," he said.

"Your observation skills are getting better then," Baldwin said.

Morgan laughed at the comment. “What do you think then Baldwin? Guarding this place seems the ideal job for us for a while.”

“No, it’s not for me. I think I’ll go back to that cave tomorrow and see if they have work for me.”

“Picking periwinkles! You’re a warrior Baldwin, not a winkle picker.”

“Like I said, I just think it’s time to settle down.”

Morgan laughed. “Who are you trying to kid? It's obvious you are after Erica, but when you have had your way with her a few times, you’ll get fed up and then you will come and work with me.”

“Maybe.” Baldwin drank a large amount of ale from his mug.

Morgan laughed. "Not maybe, Baldwin. It happens every time your heart flutters for a young wench. But the flutter always lasts about as long as a summer butterfly."

"What do you know?"

"I know you, Baldwin."

“Anyway, are you are taking the guard job then?”

“I think I will, but only if he gives me a bit of rank. I’m not being a skivvy." After a pause, he continued, “or a winkle picker.”

"He won't give you rank straight away."

"He is struggling for men by the looks of it. He is desperate and if he wants people with our skills, then it has to be on our terms."

"You mean your terms." Baldwin laughed. “The jug is empty, your turn to get the ale.”

"Wench," Morgan called across to the serving girl. "Fetch us some more ale."

"My name is not wench," she called back.

"Then what is your name?"

"Flora, and if you can't be more civil then you can fetch your own ale."

"Can you fetch some more ale for me and my friend then please, Flora?"

"That's better. I'll be with you in a minute, you great lump."

She brought the jug over. "Why do they call this place famous?" Morgan asked.

"About twenty years ago an old woman went mad and stabbed five men before she could be restrained." She saw Baldwin looking at the old woman sitting alone. "It' (missing an 's') all right it wasn't her. She only stabbed two. Any other silly questions?"

"Can I see you when you finish work," Morgan said. (need question mark in place of the comma after 'work', delete 'said' and replace with asked or some other word denoting a question.)

"That's even sillier than the last question," she said and walked off.

The following day Morgan went to see the guard master and despite him trying to coax Baldwin to join him, Baldwin had no interest in becoming one of the town's guards. Morgan negotiated an immediate promotion to leader and Baldwin set off for The Flashes.

* * * * *


When Baldwin arrived at the cave the tide was in and the cave was cut-off with the waves crashing against the cliff face. He called out and Elfwine’s wife Arabella came to the gate, opened it, and walked out.

“Didn’t expect you back so soon,” she shouted across.

“Oh!” he called. “I don’t want to be a nuisance.”

“Don’t be silly. I didn’t mean it like that. I thought that you might have spent some time in the comfort of the inns after your encounter with the sea.”

“I could have done, but the company here is much nicer. So, Arabella, is there another way in or should I wade across?”

"There's no other way in. If you wade across it can be dangerous. If the waves lift you they could throw you against the jagged rocks at the cliff face. It's best to wait.”

Baldwin just laughed and then jumped into the water and forced his way across before following Arabella into the cave.

“There is a nice chicken broth cooking in the pot, so you are welcome to join us later. For now, you might want to stand by the fire to try and dry your clothes a little.”

“No, I’m used to getting wet. My body heat will dry my clothes soon enough. So where is everybody?”

“Matilda is having her afternoon sleep, and the others are crafting and tending to the crops outside.”

“That end of the cave never gets cut off then?”

“No, it’s too far away from the shore.”

Baldwin walked out to the small bay and was greeted by Dunstan. “Good to see you again my friend, but what brings you back so soon?” He briefly looked over at Erica. “Apart from the obvious.”

Baldwin chose not to comment on his feeling for Erica at this time. “I like the life you have here. I would like to settle down and this seems the ideal place for me if you would allow me to stay. But if you want me to move on I will respect your decision.”

“You are very welcome to stay as long as you please and we can always use an extra pair of hands.”

Elfwine and Osbert made their way over and they both welcomed him. “What of your friend Morgan?” Elfwine asked.

“He has become a guard at the town. He’s happy with that.”

Erica was pulling weeds from the crops and vegetables but was continually glancing over.

Dunstan called out to her. “Erica, don’t be so rude. Come over and greet our new member of the family.”

Erica walked over. “It’s good to see you again, but I’m sorry I look so scruffy.” She tried to brush the dirt off her gown and hands.

“You still look pretty to me.”

“Leave the field, for now, Erica,” Dunstan said. “Take Baldwin round the shoreline and see if any logs or timber have been washed up.”

As the couple walked off to the shoreline, Osbert looked at his father. “We have plenty of logs. Why are you trying to pair Erica off with the stranger?”

“He is a fine specimen of a man and it is time I had grandchildren.”

“But...”

“Enough, you just carry on sharpening the blades.” Elfwine looked at Osbert and grinned before going off to continue making his arrows.

Baldwin and Erica had not walked more than a few steps along the shore when Baldwin took hold of her hand. "You don't mind?" he said.

"I didn't mind before, why would I mind now?"

"They can all see us now."

"I'm not a child, I can do as I please." She surprised him by throwing her arms around him and giving him a long and passionate kiss. Just as suddenly she pulled away and led him by his hand as she continued to walk.

"Well I wasn't expecting that," he said. "You seem like my kind of woman."

"And we will have to wait a little longer to see if you are my kind of man."

Baldwin spent another night on the cave floor. He was comfortable but frustrated knowing that Erica was lying only yards away from him.

It was early morning when Elfwine woke him. “I’m going out to get some rabbits if you want to come along?”

Baldwin jumped up. “Of course.”

Elfwine looked him up and down. “You look about the same size as me. I haven’t seen you out of those same clothes since you came here. I have a lot of clothes that the women made. We’ll sort you some out when we get back.”

They set off through the marsh and into the wooded area. It was not long before Elfwine spotted his first target. His aim was true and the kill was instant. They walked over, Elfwine retrieved his arrow and dropped the rabbit into a bag. A little further on Baldwin whispered, “there, over by that broken branch. It a good way off but we can creep up on it and hopefully, it won’t run off.”

“No need,” Elfwine said and he took aim.

“You’ll never hit it from here.” No sooner had the words left Baldwin’s mouth when the rabbit was killed.

“That’s amazing. Where did you learn to shoot an arrow like that?”

“My father taught me, bless him. He was the best archer in the land. He could shoot an acorn out of the mouth of a squirrel.”

Baldwin was not sure that was true but he kept the thought to himself.

“Two more then we have enough,” Elfwine said and he soon made the number up. "I have a spare couple of bows, Baldwin. Perhaps next time you can have a try at getting some game?"

"I'll look forward to that," Baldwin replied.

Baldwin settled in well with his new friends and his desire for Erica grew ever stronger.

A month later Osbert was sent out to gather some eggs for breakfast. He soon came running back in. “Pirates!” He shouted.

"Don't be silly," Matilda said.

Dunstan looked out from the cave. “It's pirates all right. The pirate ship is in the bay flying their flag and two longboats are heading for the shore. Probably sixteen or so raiders. We have to move quickly.”


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Review: The Flashes. Chapter 3 by Bruce

Plot:
Baldwin and Morgan arrive at the Flashes

Scene/Setting:
Baldwin and Morgan are able to get away from the land where there is fighting. The get into a boat and barely survive days at sea, mostly floating around. Their boat is washed ashore and they are found.

Characters:
Baldwin
Morgan
Erica
Elfwine - Friend of the family
Dunstan - Erica's father
Osbert - Erica's brother
Matilda - Dunstan's wife
Arabella - friend
Sherrif men

Suggestions:


Red = grammar mistakes
Green = Comments
Blue = suggestions

I hope I have been helpful. Any suggestions made are my own personal feelings I plan on keeping up with the story.

Chapter 3


A few hours after they left the inn the men reached a fork in the track. “Which way?” Morgan said.

"The right track looks more used," Baldwin said. "The left track might lead to a dead end through some farmland." Baldwin put a hand up. “Shhh. I can hear some horses. It might be the sheriffs.”

“If it is they will want to question us,” Morgan said. “We'd better hide in the bushes to be on the safe side.”

The two men hid in a ditch behind the bushes. When the riders stopped at the fork they were within yards of the men. “The two fleeing rebels must have passed this fork. But which way do you think they would have gone?”

“There’s only a beach that way and a few fishermen's dwellings. The fisherfolk will let us know if strangers turn up there. No, they must be heading for the port. The defeated foreigners will be trying to flee the country by getting on a ship.” The riders set off on the right fork.

“We go left then,” Morgan said.

“Yeah, but I think it would be better to rest here and only travel when it gets dark.”

"I think we could have taken those two sheriffs."

"Can you ride a horse, Morgan?"

"No."

"Not much point then is there. And if two sheriffs went missing there would be a big manhunt after us."

They rested in an oat field and managed to get some sleep in the sunshine. When the sun was setting they set off and in the early hours they stood outside a small fishing settlement. “Have you ever sailed a boat, Morgan?”

“No, but how hard can it be? Easier than riding a horse I'll bet."

“One way to find out I suppose. But we must be quiet. They are probably all sleeping at this time of night and we don't want to wake them. I don't think that their menfolk are back yet. The women won’t be happy with us taking one of their boats and it would be wrong to kill them.”

"No more talking; we need to be extra quiet. They might have dogs and the slightest noise will set them off barking.

They crept through the settlement extra vigilant. They decided that if they were discovered then they would flee if they got the chance. Killing unaccompanied women was to be avoided at all costs. But they made it to the shoreline undetected and waded through the water to the nearest boat. They clambered aboard but the movement rocked the boat and the oars clattered together.

As was expected, a dog was alerted and began to bark, quickly joined by two others. The men rowed fast and were soon clear of the sheltered cove before raising the two sails. “Which way?” Morgan said.

“We are heading straight out to sea, so it must be the right way. Straight across."

Morgan looked back to the shore. "It doesn't look like they are following us out. Might have been different if the men were back from the battle."

"Then with their sea-skills, they would probably have caught us up." Baldwin said.

"In that case, they would die. Unless one of them was a skilled archer, then we might have had a problem."

"Well it's not a problem now. This time tomorrow we should be on the other shore."

However, two days and two nights later, they were still at sea and they encountered a storm which ripped off their sails, almost overturned the boat and took the oars into the sea. They had run out of food, their two pouches of water were dry and they were starting to weaken.

"I don't understand," Morgan said. "We should be there by now. It only took a day to cross on the ship."

Baldwin looked at the water lapping at the boat. "Can't we drink sea water?"

"No, it'll just make your thirst worse."

"Are you sure," Baldwin said. (need question mark after 'sure', remove the word said and use --asked-- or any other word you think might designate a question)

"It'll kill you quicker than not drinking it. We were taught that at the Militia survival training."

The following day they could just make out the land in the distance.

"If only we had managed to keep hold of the oars," Baldwin said. "It's much too far to swim. So we can either try to swim to land and drown, or we can die on this boat with no water, but surrounded by water. This has not been one of your better ideas, Morgan."

No," Morgan said. "And it gets worse. There is a fog drifting over so we won't see the shore soon and by the looks of those clouds there might be another storm on the way."

Their luck changed though when the following day they were washed up to a beach, but their health had deteriorated and they were only semi-conscious. If they didn't fully regain consciousness there was a chance that the tide could take the boat back out to sea again.

* * * * *


Erica, a twenty-year-old woman walked out from the entrance of her family’s cave dwelling to take in some of the fresh sea air. Inside her family were sitting at a table in the room-sized cave eating bread and some rabbit broth re-heated from the previous night. The fire in the hearth was burning nicely with the smoke dispersing through the roof of the cave. Further along, the sleeping area had alcoves cut into the dark red rock to accommodate bed spaces. It was a comfortable place and as good as any of the better houses in the nearby town of Mossley. Erica loved her life here and felt she could stay here forever. She looked towards the shoreline and saw a boat bobbing on the water. “Elfwine, come quickly,” she called. “There is a boat in the bay.”

Elfwine, a family friend, ran out with his bow slung over his shoulder and a sword in his hand. “Get inside, Erica, it might be the pirates.” But Erica had no intention of getting inside and she watched as he ran across the beach towards the boat.

Her father, Dunstan, soon followed with his sword also drawn. “Be careful, Elfwine," he shouted. "It might be a trap.”

As Elfwine got near the boat it started to drift out and he had to wade into the water to pull the boat back in again. “There’s two men in here," Elfwine shouted. "And they look in a bad way." He turned and called across to Erica. “Fetch some water, hurry."

Erica rushed through the cave and came out at a back entrance to a smaller bay where a spring ran out of the rocks. She filled a jug and hurried back while the two men hauled the front of the boat up to the dry land. She poured water onto her hand and rubbed it on the men’s faces. They responded to her care and she lifted Baldwin’s head and gave him a drink, and then the same with Morgan.

The water and care from Erica seemed to revive the men and after a few minutes, Baldwin was able to stand." Erica and Dunstan helped him across to the cave. Elfwine tended to Morgan until he too was able to walk and he helped Morgan across to the cave as well.

Soon the pair of them were sitting by the fire with bowls of hot broth and fur blankets around their shoulders.

“Where are we,” Baldwin (need question mark not comma) saidasked . “What’s the nearest town?”

“This bay is called The Flashes,” Erica said. “The town of Mossley is just a few miles away.”

“Mossley Town. I’ve heard of it." Morgan said. "The people there are paranoid and have a stockade type fence and a moat as if they were in the Middle Ages."

"It's not a moat it's a ditch," Elfwine said. "Have you ever been there?"

"No," Morgan said. "But I heard about the place when I was living in Advent."

"Well, if you do visit you will find that they are not paranoid. They are good people but have been plagued for a long time by Vialian raiders. They did ask for help from the Militia at Advent, but were told that they were too busy."

"I apologise," Morgan said. "I didn't wish to be rude or cause offence."

“So, have you come round the coast from Advent in that boat?” Dunstan said.

“No, we've come across the sea. We were fighting at the Pavillion uprising.”

"That's some distance," Dunstan said. "No wonder you looked weak, you are lucky to be alive."

“Are you real soldiers then?” Erica said.

“Well, more like paid fighters," Baldwin said. "Anyway, that uprising is finished and the wrong side won. So, Vialians, do they ever bother you here?”

"No," Dunstan said. "There's nothing here for them and it's probably too far for the little that we have. It's the pirates we have to watch out for. We sometimes see them out at sea, but luckily they have not ventured ashore here for years. Even then they were only interested in going to raid Mossley"

Erica's brother, Osbert, came running in. “Elfwine, we are losing the boat.”

Elfwine ran out and looked out to the sea. “It's too far out now. The sea is too rough and if I try to swim out to it I could be dashed on the rocks. Shame, but I’m afraid it is lost.” The two men returned to the cave.

“I'm surprised at how you have adapted this cave to live in," Baldwin said. "It's better than a lot of houses I have been in. This huge fire is great and I like the way that the smoke disperses through the roof of the cave. And the space you have inside here is as good as a palace.”

“Yes, I agree,” Morgan said. “But surely you would all be better off living in the town.”

"But you wouldn't," Elfwine said. "If we weren't here you would be drifting back out to sea by now."

“My family have lived here for generations,” Dunstan said. “This is where we earn our living. This is my wife, Matilda, and my daughter and son, Erica and Osbert. Elfwine and Arabella are friends who have moved in with us. Over the years we have dug out the alcove shelves to sleep in so we are comfortable.”

“But are you safe?”

“We have gates which we close up at night and if they are broken we have another defence.”(spelling?)

“And what is that?”

“I'm afraid I can’t tell you that but it keeps us safe should we be attacked from the land or the sea. Anyway, we have an early start tomorrow so we are turning in for the night.”

“I’ll fix you somewhere to sleep,” Matilda said. “I’m sure you could use some rest in warmth and comfort after that sea journey.” She found spare blankets and furs and made the bed spaces up on the floor.

“Our swords and daggers; where are they?” Morgan asked.

“They are stored safely away,” Elfwine said. “You can have them in the morning.”

“Your people have nothing to fear from us, Elfwine,” Baldwin said.

“I know, but we don’t know you well enough.”

“I understand, and I thank you for your hospitality. We will leave for Mossley in the morning.” Morgan was eager to bed down(comma) but Baldwin was more interested in Erica as the rest went to their bed spaces.

“You don’t have to leave so soon, Baldwin,” Erica said. “Why not wait a few days until you have built up your strength a bit? It's a good three-hour walk to Mossley.”

Morgan pulled the fur cover over his head, knowing her words were more for Baldwin than for him.

“Our strength will be fine in the morning and I am sure that you have not seen the last of me if you will allow me to call back to visit you that is.”

Erica gave a broad smile. “Of course I will. I would love to see you again. Good night, Baldwin."

“Good night,” Morgan shouted out from under his cover.

Erica laughed. “Oh, I’m sorry, Morgan. Good night.”

“Erica!” Matilda called out.

“All right, I’m coming.”

Dunstan walked over to Elfwine's bed space. "These men are very tired and I don't think they will give us any trouble. But keep your dagger close tonight," he whispered.

"You should have sent them away after they had been fed, whether they were tired or not. Remember, these men are professional killers, (missing closing quote marks) Elfwine said. But their fears were unfounded and their two guests slept soundly." (remove these quote marks)

Baldwin woke the following morning and looked over to Erica who was loading some logs onto the fire. She had her back to him and he could see the curvaceous shape of her body through the thin gown she was wearing. He smiled as he imagined what was beneath the gown. The logs began to catch alight and the flames gave a flickering light around the cave. He sat up and on hearing the rustle of his covers Erica turned to look at him, smiled and then sat on a bench next to the fire.

“What a wonderful sight, your pretty face picked out by the flickering flames,” Baldwin said. He threw the covers off and stood up, still fully clothed, and walked over to sit beside her.

“Don’t tease me,” she said.

“I’m not teasing you. I have been attracted to you ever since I opened my eyes on the boat yesterday and saw you. I thought at first that I had died and that you were an angel looking down at me.”

Erica laughed. “And I looked down at you thinking what a scruffy sad looking man. Now let’s stop being silly. Would you like some wine and some cooked eggs to start your day?”

“I’d like to freshen up first. Maybe take a swim in the sea.”

"You can if you like. But that's not how we do it here."

He looked around the cave. “Where is everybody?”

“They are out on the shore, harvesting.”

“Harvesting what?”

“Fruits of the sea my father calls it.”

Baldwin laughed. "What sort of fruit is that?"

"It's not real fruit," she said. "Cockles, mussels, winkles and we also get a lot of edible seaweed. Even the odd crab, though most of the shore crabs are too small. She stood up and took hold of Baldwin’s hand. “Come on, if you want to clean up.” She led him out the back exit of the cave where the freshwater spring was flowing from halfway up the cliff. “Get yourself cleaned up and then come inside and we will wake up your friend for breakfast.”

He looked at the cascading water. "I could stand under this and wash my whole body."

"Help yourself, that's what we do," Erica said. "No one will bother you."

"Maybe you could join me and scrub my back."

Erica laughed. "Another time perhaps."

"I'll look forward to that."

Erica gave another laugh. "And so will I."

Baldwin took off his shirt and Erica seemed transfixed on his bulging muscles and his highly developed chest.

"Are you sure you don't want to scrub my back, Erica?"

Erica grinned widely. "I think I'd better go and prepare the eggs," she said. Without another word, she turned and walked off but could not help but to turn her head for another glance (missing period)


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Review: The Flashes. Chapter 2 - The Duke's uprising is lost by Bruce
Plot:
Baldwin and Morgan are trying to make a living as mercenaries.

Scene/Setting:
There is a battle with the Duke looses because he didn't wait for intelligents from Baldwin and Morgan. Now they are trying to head home.

Characters:
The Duke
Baldwin
Morgan
Other soldiers

Suggestions:
Nice touch with the pigeons. I have stopped some of the spell checking because you are using British variations to some of the words. Sorry if I have over done it before this point. Also you need to watch when you ask a question. I have used the word "asked" but there are other words you might consider.

Red = grammar mistakes
Green = Comments
Blue = suggestions

I hope I have been helpful. Any suggestions made are my own personal feelings I plan on keeping up with the story.

Chapter 2


Baldwin and Morgan stood up and began running back up the bank. The enemy warriors pursued them but had no chance of catching the two very fit men. Baldwin glanced back. "There's only four of them, they are struggling and I think they are about to give up. It's a good thing they don't have an archer with them or we could have been in trouble."

Morgan looked back. “They're not gaining on us but it doesn't look like the fools are going to give up; it's a big mistake they're making. If we're not going to lose them we might as well slow down a bit and let them catch us up. Do you think they have tired enough yet though?” Morgan said asked .

“Yes, they don't seem very fit to me. We can take them.”

They slowed their pace until the four men were almost on them. “Let's do it then,” Morgan said. “Time to get these fools off our backs.” They both turned and hurried towards their startled pursuers.

One of the pursuers stopped, stepped back in panic, stumbled and fell. Morgan’s sword went through his throat and he turned his attention to another of the men. Baldwin was keeping two men at bay and laughing loudly which further unnerved them.

Morgan's sword connected a heavy blow across his adversary’s wrist and was able to easily to run his sword through the disabled man’s chest. “Having trouble, Baldwin?” he shouted.

Baldwin’s sword struck one of the men’s neck and he dropped. The other turned and ran but Morgan threw his dagger and struck the man heavily in his back. The man ran another few steps before he fell.

“That’s three one to me then, Baldwin.”

“You picked the weakest two. Best hurry and get your dagger, (period after 'dagger and caps on 'we') we need to tell the duke what we’ve seen.”

The two men set off back towards the camp. They were just approaching the outskirts of the camp when Baldwin put his hand up to stop Morgan. "Look," he said. "The sentry guard is asleep against that tree."

Morgan crept over and wrestled the startled man to the ground before holding his dagger to the man's throat. “Not very good is it?” Morgan said. “If I were the enemy you would be dead now and the whole camp would be at risk because of your stupidity.”

The man recognised (spelling) Morgan when he let him go. “I’m sorry, sir,” he said.

“You have a job to do,” Morgan said. “The enemy is only a couple of miles away and you need to be alert all the time. If I catch you asleep on guard again I’ll kill you myself.”

“It won’t happen again, sir.”

The two men walked off. “How come so many men call you sir, Morgan?”

“Authority, Baldwin, authority.”

“I have the same authority but they don’t call me sir do they?”

“No, sir,” Morgan said. And they both laughed.

They walked out of the woods and into the camp, a large area in a clearing dotted with tents. So many tents that some were erected amongst the trees. "I wouldn't like to sleep in a tent amongst those trees," Morgan said. "An ideal target for a hit and run terrorising (spelling) raid. Especially if the sentry is asleep."

"Or dead," Baldwin said.

They got to the Duke of Lovat's tent in the centre of the camp. The duke's {caps) bodyguard greeted them and took them inside.

“Ah, my two finest warriors,” the duke's {caps) said. “What news do you have of the enemy?”

Baldwin spoke first. “Down through these woods, there is an open meadow that leads down to a brook. Past the brook, there is some denser woods before it opens out onto a large plain. The enemy is setting up on that plain."

"How far is it to their camp?"

"I should imagine it is about two miles away and they look to be about two hundred strong. (missing closing quotes)

“Not that far then. And if they are about two hundred men, then according to figures from our agents planted in towns around the land, that must be his whole army. We have two hundred men as well. We could launch a dawn attack on them from out of the woods and catch them by surprise But we need to be quick. I don't want them coming out of the woods here and surprising us first.”

“You could attack their camp,” Morgan said. “But it may be costly. You can bet that they have scouts out the same as us and they probably know that we are here. Half our men are archers and it would be best if we let the enemy attack us when we are at the edge of these woods. After they cross the brook and come up the open meadow our archers have the advantage of height and could devastate their numbers before we engage in close combat.”

“You might be right, Morgan, but I think a surprise attack on them would be our best option. Go back tonight and let me know if the situation is the same. If it is, we will launch our attack at dawn. In the meantime, I'll put some more lookouts in the woods, just in case.”

Baldwin and Morgan had some hot food from the cook’s tent and went to their tent to get some sleep. "What do you think of the duke's (caps) plan?" Morgan said. asked.

"It has its good points, but the element of surprise would be lost pretty quickly and then they might come under a counter-attack from those young fit warriors. Even if he wins the battle he could lose a lot of men."

"We'll have another look later but for now let's catch up on some sleep," Morgan said. "It's been a long day."

One of the night guards woke them at one o’clock and they set off into the dark woodlands. They worked their way around the enemy camp to get into a copse that overlooked the camp. They were surprised that the enemy numbers seemed to have trebled. Many more were turning up as the night went on and the men remained looking down from the copse until the sun was about to rise.

“We have been misled,” Morgan said. “There must be almost a thousand warriors out there now. And over the back, there's about twenty horses. Those riders though are not soldiers. They belong to the sheriffs. I wonder why they are here.”

“With such a build-up of men, they must be expecting a victory,” Baldwin said. “So the horsemen are here to hunt down and kill any stragglers in flight after the battle. Our camp has lost any advantage we had with our archers and if we engage in close combat our two hundred men will surely be overwhelmed.”

“We'd best get back and tell the duke (caps) that their numbers have swelled overnight. It's best if we withdraw and the duke (caps) may have to have a re-think of his plans. ”

“You go, Morgan. I’ll stay here and watch for any movement. If it looks like they are preparing to attack, I’ll need to try and alert our men.”

Morgan set off but had not been gone long when Baldwin heard a disturbance behind him and thinking it was his friend he called out. “What’s up, Morgan?” But as he turned, he was shocked to see two men with swords drawn and an archer with an arrow aimed at him.

“Well, what have we here then? A rebel spy. And by the looks of it, a foreign fighter working for the enemies of our land.”

“I’m no fighter just a traveller,” Baldwin said. “I stopped for a rest while passing through.”

The stoutest of the men laughed. “You have a drawn sword lying at your side and it looks to me to be a warrior’s sword, and you look more like a warrior than a traveller.”

"I keep my sword by my side because I've heard of all the trouble here."

The man laughed again. “I’m sure you have some information for us, like who is this Morgan you spoke of? Another traveller, perhaps?"

"Just someone I met on the way. He's gone on his own way now."

"We are not fools. In our camp, we have people who will have the skills to make you tell us what you are doing here. Or if you chose, you can die slowly in excruciating pain. Stand up, and don’t touch your sword. My archer has the ability to cause you pain and suffering without killing you.”

As Baldwin stood up a dagger hit the archer in the back causing him to yell and fall to his knees, his arrow flying wildly off target before he fell forward onto the ground. Baldwin swiftly scooped up his sword. Morgan rushed forward and the two friends engaged the enemy swordsmen. The swordfight was soon over; the enemy being no match for these battle experienced mercenaries.their battle experience.

“Thanks, Morgan, I thought I was in trouble there, and I could have been if that arrow had hit me."

“But it would have been the better of two evils had I not returned. I saw our friends heading for the copse and I thought I would follow them, just in case.”

The men were startled when the archer began giving out a large blast on a horn. “I thought he was dead,” Morgan said. He dashed over and kicked the horn out of the man’s hand before running his sword through his back. “Do you think they heard him, Baldwin?”

“Well, there's a dozen or so men rushing towards us. Best get away from here.”

They had just started to make their escape when they heard the sound of multiple horns sounding off and they stopped running. “What’s going on?” Morgan said. “Surely they are not sending hundreds of warriors after us.”

Baldwin ran back and looked over at the camp. “Something’s going on, those men are heading back to the camp and all the others are running out of the tents.”

Morgan joined him. “Look the duke's (caps) men running out of the woods. They are attacking. They're attacking without the use of the archers first. The idiots think they are attacking a few hundred men. Why the hell didn’t the duke (caps) wait for us to get back.”

"I can't see the duke (caps) . No doubt he is leading from the back as always."

"It's a slaughter," Morgan said. "They are swarming over our men in great numbers. They have no chance; most of our archers have no experience in close combat."

"We have some good friends out there and we can only watch," Baldwin said. "There's nothing we can do for them."

The duke (caps) soon realised his error and sounded a retreat but the enemy was amongst them and would pursue them through the woods until they had killed or dispersed them all.

“I feel so helpless, Baldwin. So what do we do now?”

“We can do nothing. It's time to leave this land and go home. The duke's (caps) war is lost and, to be sure, we will not be paid this month.”

"We won't get paid, but we are better off than the men down there," Morgan said.

Reluctantly, the two men set off towards the coast. They passed woodland and farmland and tried to avoid being noticed from the farmhouses. It was late afternoon when they came to their first village. “You know, Baldwin, despite the duke's (caps) uprising this is a much more civilised country than our own. Look at this place, It's pretty isolated but it has nothing to protect it.”

“Not much to protect anyway. A dozen ramshackle buildings with a blacksmith's forge that looks like it doubles as an inn."

"It’s a different culture, Baldwin. They have the horsemen to keep order but more importantly, every single young man in this country is made to serve some time in the army. I think the horsemen rounded up the retired soldiers to re-join the ranks again and fight. I did notice that when there were only about two hundred most of them were young men. Later the ages were more diverse, some of them even seemed to be quite old.”

“So if there is trouble anywhere, the horsemen go to all the nearby towns and mobilise all the men to take up arms with the army. That would explain the surge in numbers because I am sure now that the two hundred figure was right, at the start of the uprising. Whereas the duke (caps) was a paid man, paid by a cousin of the country's ruler. Very few of our men were from this country, so it would be difficult to add to our numbers.”

“Pity we didn’t work that out earlier,” Morgan said. “All our work and now we won’t get paid and a lot of good men have perished.”

As Morgan had guessed, there was a small inn attached to the blacksmith's shop and the men went inside. A woman was behind the serving counter and two older women sat around a blazing log fire. Morgan hit his head on a low bean causing him to curse and Baldwin to laugh. But there was no response from the women. Morgan ordered the ale. "Do you have any food?" he asked.

"Bread and cheese," the woman said.

"With some butter and onions?"

"Just bread and cheese."

"All right we'll have a plate of that, and it better not be stale."

"The thick straw on this floor can hide many things," Baldwin said. "It looks like a stable and smells of horse manure."

"The smell is more likely to be coming from those two old women toasting themselves by the fire," Morgan said. " But going by the size of that back door, it probably is used as a stable as well." He looked at the fire. (missing opening quote marks) It's a wonder this place hasn't gone up in flames by now."

The woman started to fill two mugs of ale. “Strangers round here,” she said. asked.

“Yes, just passing through,” Baldwin said.

“Come from the battle have you?”

"The battle," Morgan said. "What battle?"

"North of here, some foreign invaders tried to take over our country. You must know about it."

“No, we don’t.”

“Our men folk were victorious and they will return soon. So, where are you headed?”

“Too many questions,” Morgan said. “Just serve us the ale.”

The two old women looked over on hearing the remark. They looked away again and began whispering to each other. The serving woman stared at the men and when they looked at her she looked away only to stare at them again a little later. The men sensed the unfriendly atmosphere and soon ate their food and left the inn.

“How does she get the information so quick?” Morgan said.

“Maybe the two old girls are witches,” Baldwin said and they both laughed.

"Evil ones," one of the old women said after they had left the inn. "Up to no good. I think that they are a couple of defeated enemies fleeing from their evil deeds."

"Don't worry," the bar woman said. "They won't get far. I need to let the sheriffs know." She went out to the back of the inn and to a line of pigeon coops. She tied two bits of red ribbon to the legs of a pigeon from one of the four coops and let the pigeon fly off.


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