*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/pager/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
Review Requests: OFF
505 Public Reviews Given
772 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 -2- 3 4 5 6 7 8 ... Next
26
26
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Nice piece. You have not established if this is taking place on earth, but without the definite mention of another planet, the reader will take that for granted.

We have the main character, Domrick, dying of a gash in his side which is bleeding. A stranger shows up and offers him the possible continuation of his life in some form. Domrick only hesitates a bit before taking the stranger's offer.

You did a good job of setting the scene. I definitely am pulled into the story, wondering what will happen next.

I have included a line-by-line review below:
Red - needed changes
Blue - suggested changes

***Domrick wilted over from the pain in his left abdomen. The gash there had begun to bleed profusely and caused him to lurched (no -ed) forward and then lean against the alley wall. He thought back on his recent escapades which had left several people injured and his, not so good (all three words are hyphenated) friend, Dead. (Are these “several people and his friend still in the ally with him?)
***Needless to say (comma) this was not his finest hour but likely his last. That was until a (if you take my suggestion put caps on -A) figure appeared walking down the alley. Domrick squirmed slightly, reaching for the knife on his belt before hearing it murmur something.
***"Poor, boy," it taunted in an ethereal tone of many voices, "Lost your friends, (no comma) and nearly lost your head. What's a sorry soul to do?"
***"You're no guard (comma)" Domrick managed to spit out between bouts of pain.
***"Clever aren't we?" The being grew uncomfortably close to Domrick's face. "Now, brass tax. (I don’t recognize this saying. It is close to: “Now onto brass tacks…”) It would seem, friend, that you have fallen into quite a predicament. No?"
***"Who.., what are you?" (space) Domrick questioned, grasping his open wound.
***"Hmm," It (lower case on -i) replied, "I am merely a patron looking for a worthy Almsman, and you, dear boy, as of late have proven to be quite worthy of my favor."
***(new paragraph) Domrick shutter at what was to come.
***"I offer you an escape from your current fate. In exchange (comma) all I require is your service." It glanced over at Domrick's knife, which was still wet with fresh blood, then back to him. "So child, what, do, you say?" (Is Domrick the only one in the alley with the stranger?)
***The being reached its hand offering an accord and waited for a response. Domrick sat and stared into its the strangers (apostrophe -s) eyes, thinking momentarily before grasping its hand.
***"My dear boy, we will have fun.. (you need one more period)"


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
27
27
Review of NOT GUILTY  
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is just plain cute. You have taken a fairytale and added a “real-life” scenario to it. They say all fairytales started because of something that someone in the world experienced. If you pick through some of the tales and take into account when they were written you can usually ferret out possibilities. Humanity loves a happy-ever-after story, so they take hard times and turn them upside down.

A fairytale may be nothing more than a point someone wants to get across about life.

Congratulations on your story.

I have included a line-by-line review below:
Red - changes to be made
Blue - suggestion

***This whole affair has been shamelessly plugged in the media by the press and has forced my clients to go into hiding since they received numerous hate mails, (did you mean to say emails here? I’m old school and actually received snail mail at one time.) have been stalked, and were subjected to continuous death threats from different sources
***My clients don’t want anything else but to be freed from this horrible feminist approach to an ancient tale.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
28
28
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting. You said this is a piece you are working on. When I write I don’t always start at the beginning. I’ve been known to start at the end and work backward. Where does this part of the story fall in your future writing? I personally could see it as the start, the end, or even the middle happening.

I would love to learn more about Dylan and Trenton. Why does Trenton think they could have been gods? I know it will depend on the back story.

I have included a line-by-line review below:
Red - changes needed
Blue - suggested changes
***Dylan did not recognize the man who knelt before him.
***"It's not for us to be gods (period)"
***As he gazed around the temple hall, he saw the trail of lifeless, blooded bodies of his brethren. Scattered, slashed (comma) and cleaved.
***Draped across the alter (spelling) at the head of the hall, was Sentinel Prime. His throat was sliced with surgical precision.
***His eyes wandered over the mayhem before him, each scene played out in his mind like a sort of grim pantomime. First Sentinel Prime was caught off guard by Trenton's treachery, then it was Finn's turn, carved through the mid rift (hyphenated) as he was unsheathing his weapon. Next, it looked as if Tamsin had put up quite a fight, (period, not a comma, caps on -S) she always had been an excellent sword player.
***"Hand it over (comma)" Dylan announced calmly.
***"Lets (apostrophe s) not make this any harder, (period not a comma, caps on -Y) you know I have the advantage here (comma)" signaled Dylan.
***His outstretched hand was met with a fit of fervent jealousy from Trenton.
***"What did I always tell you, 'brother'... always have a back up." (one word) A sudden flick from Trenton's good wrist saw a shimmering shank appear from his worn sleeve.
***The order was in ruins, one of the sacred relics was stolen and Trenton had hunted down, ensnared (comma) and mastered one of the last remaining Shadow Fell Wyverns.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
29
29
Review of Rain Boy  
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I liked the way this story traveled from mundane to fantastical. You started with a possible everyday occurrence, a boy kicking a can down the street. From there you went to the fantasy world of un-worldly things happening. The way you had the boy “swim” into the sky through the rain was brilliant.

I have included a line-by-line review below:
Red - changes needed
Blue - Suggested changes

***The can chose (spelling) to begin the journey down Blackberry Street and the boy followed.
***The washed out (hyphenated) blue of the sky had taken on a darker hue and now dark clouds could be seen massing above the houses to the west.
***The clouds were racing now, devouring the blue sky as they advanced, and the sun disappeared behind the leading edge of the looming darkness.
*** The boy was soaked in moments but still (comma) he stood there, apparently transfixed by the sudden change in his surroundings.
***The road itself became a river, slightly humped in the middle and frantic with activity as the rain smashed itself in a suicidal rush against it.
***Still (comma) the rain poured down and the boy began to make great arcs with his arms, bringing them down to his sides, only to lift them up again overhead. Then down again they came, (no comma) until his arms were making swimming motions into the water falling in sheets upon him.
*** In a little while (comma) he was almost invisible against the darkness of the clouds, still moving upwards, swimming into the sky.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
30
30
Review of The Cardboard Man  
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Oh my, oh my. This story is beyond creepy. It reminds me of a story you would see on the Twilight Zone television show (I know I’m showing my age). I think a more recent version would be Tales From the Crypt although I never watched that. You never give an age for Alice, but I would be willing to guess it would be early to mid-twenties. Besides Dark and Fantasy I would add Horror to your Genre list.

You have done very well setting the scene. We know she is alone and relatively poor, although she has air conditioning. We know she does have money from somewhere because of the useless non-edible things she purchased along with the cereal.

I have added a line-by-line review below:
Red - changes needed
Blue - Suggested changes

***Her goal was Harvey Street Supermarket, but between her home and intended destination was a dizzying labyrinth in of streets and building (add -s) and people. The yellow house and the woman who lived there, drenching herself in a sea of yellow clothes; the plastic ring of a deflated swimming pool in one yard, along with a proliferation of plastic flowers. (This is not a complete sentence. I would add it to the one before it with the use of a comma or semicolon.)
***Then, the street corner came (comma) and there, across a road riddled with potholes, was the long, green, sliding glass door in front of Harvey’s.
***She picked it up and held it, scrutinizing its vaguely demonic features. (What is your reasoning for mentioning this statue? In several classes, I have read that you don’t add an item to a story without plans on using the item to further the story. An example would be: Charlie saw the knife on the table. … and then the knife is never mentioned again in any context. Even in my writing I mess up and use a red-herring sometimes and have to go back and figure out if it was necessary or not.) Then, she shoved it in the paper Harvey’s grocery bag and continued her walk home.
***Inside, she busied herself readying her work station, (one word) dusting off the black, scratched up (hyphenated) surface of the table. She lined up the work tools and then helped herself to a bowl of some crunchy, tasteless cereal. She was halfway through the bowl when the phone rang, a hectic, erratic disaster of a ring tone. (one word)
***She didn’t know who it was, so she answered hesitantly
*** She hung up and was prepared to finish her cereal when breakfast was interrupted, this time by the ominous thumping on the door that led to the basement. (You have her finding a cutout at the top of the stairs. Are you saying the cutout came alive enough to knock on the door? This is a bit confusing.)
***The door opened to a deep-set darkness, and she fumbled clumsily through the shadows until her hand brushed against the light switch at the top of the steps.
***By the tumbled stack of cardboard cutouts was a table, unstable and nicked. On the table, is a vast array of artist’s tools- paints, brushes, pencils (comma) and the like.
***Alice took a deep breath in, a deep breath letting it out in one strong puff. From the collection of tools (comma) she retrieved her pocket knife, a precious hand-me-down from her rather bellicose father. … Once it was largely a series of shredded ruins, she places (-ed not -s) it with the others.
***She was finishing the touches on her make up (one word) when a car honked outside; her date, was ahead of schedule.
***She rushed through dinner, almost choking on half-eaten noodles in the desire to be somewhere (comma) and anywhere else. The lights were dim and a soft music swelled from the corner where a violinist stood, all suited up and with half-shut eyes.
***She rode the flow of the music back to her home, sitting beside Roland in his rusted out (hyphenated) truck.
*** “So then,” Roland said, interrupting her from her reverie. “ (remove extra space) This it then? (need closing quote marks)
***[indent}The corners of his lips ran from ear to ear.
***Like every man before him (comma) he did what she suggested.
***Alice found herself sitting on Roland’s lap. Greedy hands began to tug. She turned around, (no comma) and saw his questing lips.
***She felt a shiver of pleasure, pressed a palm into his chest, and she released it through that contact with that poor helpless man that had followed her every whim wonderfully. She pulled away from him and watched, almost hypnotized, as the changes began. (I understand what you are trying to say here, but the paragraph is awkward. Try reading it out loud and see if you can change the wording a bit)
***Every one (one word) was different.
*** Soon, the mouth became obfuscated, muffled (comma) and yet despite that he continued to scream.
*** By then, she had already gotten bored, (no comma) and relegated him to the stack of other cardboard men.
***She could do so it all over with, again and again, until the basement weighed heavy with the weight of her cardboard man.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
31
31
Review of We Are Not Alone  
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Nice story. I think I know the prompt you used here. I couldn’t come up with anything for it. Your story is subtle in how humans realize there is another race living among them. The discovery sort of jells the whole “we and them” scenario. It was smooth reading. I did have one little blip when you were explaining the shield. At first, I thought it was a huge piece of metal, not smaller which could fit into a human’s eye.

To - shows motion (I went to the store.)
Two - the number 2
Too - also (He went too.)

I have included a line-by-line review below:
Red - changes needed
Blue - suggested changes

***The first shield was found in 2029. Over the following 8 (normally any number ten or below is written out, 8 = eight) months (comma) the government learned about it at a high enough level to get involved and a Dr. Phil Ollie worked out how to duplicate it, passed (no -ed) the knowledge on too (only one -o) others to research and manufacture.
***We knew where the first one was found, but we’ve never discovered where it came from, who invented it or who left it. Thousands of hours of historical research has have been done trying to figure that out….. Who cares, (question mark not a comma) (caps on W) we’re different people now.
***Witnesses say they saw the man/woman, etc leave the house and drive away. Whoever it was or the car have has never been found. Seems no one could remember any specific data and there were no pictures of him them or the car.
***There are some very amusing stories about children getting it applied. Infants and non speaking (one word or hyphenated) toddlers looked amazed for a short time but just accepted it and went on as normal. Talking to toddlers and up took longer asking a lot of questions, but all accepted it in a very short time.
***It’s taken over 100 years for people too (one -o) get used too (one -o) them being everywhere and as much a part of the environment as we were. …A few scuffles that led to black eyes, bruises (comma) and broken bones, mostly on their side, they didn’t like to fight and most humans simply tired of picking on them.
***When all the dust settled and it was accepted as “just the way it is” it turned out that almost one half (hyphenated) of our population was not human.
***They’re not frightening, they have a . . . mild(?) face. I think the males look like Dagwood Bumstead from the cartoon, “Bloddie.” “Blondie”. Smooth, flat face that always has a pleasant smile and 3 inch (hyphenated, spell out three) long tufts of hair that stick out over each big, round ear, mostly bald too. Who could ever fear Dagwood. (question mark not a period) The females have more of a pixyish look, a narrow chin with smaller ears and tufts.
***We are two complimentary (spelling) species that do not compete. They were essentially in every profession and job, doctor, lawyer, president (yes one was, and a good one), teacher (comma) and everything else and as frightening as the Stay-Puffed Marshmallow Man, although Stay-Puff did play the heavy in a movie.
***Until we could see the difference there wasn’t one. They’ve always thought we were the other dominate dominant hominid, part of the natural order of the world, so much so that it was never discussed.
***They are a gentler species than us, none of them have ever been part of starting a war, they’re the compromisers, always promoting as a solution to fighting, talking until you gain an understanding of the others (apostrophe -s) position and accepting it as just different. The peace makers, (one word) the always smiling and pleasant people it’s good to meet.
***With A (lowercase) tremendous amount of research into where they came from, a possible genetic split a few million years ago has been ruled out because their genes are very different than ours.
***After the change most of the humans that discovered they were married to a hairy divorced. The harries harry's already knew so there wasn’t a problem for them. The species can not interbreed. Mostly smooth marries marry’s smooth and hairy marries marry’s a hairy, but mixes are occurring more frequently, they don’t have children, they adopt.
***Mixed now has only one meaning, but many of the worlds (apostrophe -s) orphans are being adopted because the mix doesn’t matter anymore.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
32
32
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Interesting premise of being able to dive into the crevis behind your couch cushion and find a whole different world. This is sort of a switch on losing socks in the dryer. You have some problems with paragraph divisions, but I didn’t want to correct those at this time. If you would like to get back to me, I will see if I can help.

I have included a line-by-line review below:
Red - changes to be made.
***He groaned and threw off empty beer cans of from his body and other stuff he would rather not know or either remember what they were used for.
***He reached deeper, from hand, arm (comma) and to shoulder.
*** He picked up his phone and turned on the flashlight with sweaty hands like butter that stood outside for too long on a hot summer day.
***A room that came straight from the 80's, neon lit (hyphenated) signs hung on the movie poster covered (hyphenated) walls, shelves filled to the brim with- "those are my house keys I lost 2 years ago?!"
***Uress stared at him. "Thats (apostrophe -s) the joint I've lost, "
*** He walked away from his counter towards the upside down (hyphened) hanging Uress and handed the joint.
***"Well, strike me in the bowels and call me jitterbugged, if it ain't some luck, " He (lowercase) said, rubbing his beard in thought.
***"The fairies have been requesting medicine of this calibre,"(spelling)
***Shall you accept?" The (lowercase) old man said, reaching his open palm to Uress. He glanced around the store for a moment before he exhaled.
***"It's a deal," Uress said, reached down (comma) and gave a firm handshake.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
33
33
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a nice short little snippet, showing the power of laughter and high spirits. So many people walk into a place like a nursing home or hospital and think they need to act seriously. I wish we had a world filled with Veronica’s.

The only problem I had was trying to figure out who was talking. Eventually, I figured out it was the nurses but you might want to make this a bit clearer.

I have added a line-by-line review below:
Red - changes needed
Blue - suggestions for improvement
Green - my thoughts

***Veronica was a vivacious red head (one word) with enough vim to revive the oldest of geriatrics at the Sunnydale Manor.
***The nurses were always glad to see her and were eager to heVeronicar (spelling) latest conquests. Veroncia (spelling) was a savvy overachiever who could buy and sell real estate better than most.
***Every Sunday she would arrive, flowers in hand (comma) and make her way to the 'salon'. Her mother would be waiting looking very dour until her daughter arrived.
***"Mrs. Vassir is the straight woman to Veronica's humour. I kind of female Abbot and Costello." (who is saying this?)
***"Well, that's stretching it, but I can see where you're going with it." (who is saying this?)
***When they (who are they?) entered the salon, Veronica could be seen in the midst of a group of residents. Each were was laughing and carrying on as if they were half their ages.
***After her visit (comma) she would call out, "Gotta run. See you next week."


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
34
34
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This story gave me a good hard chuckle. I love how you started out as if it were a person and then snuck in the proverbial backdoor with the knowledge it was a squarial. Thank you so much for posting.

I didn’t correct much of the spelling my computer said you errored because of the different spellings around the world.

A line-by-line review is below:
Red = changes
Green = my thoughts

My Nutty Neighbour

***Every gasp, sudden jump (comma) and increase in my heart rate spurs him on.
***I notice him peeking into my windows with both hands cupped around his eyes , (remove extra space) miming the use of binoculars, and his quivering nose pressed to the screen. How long does he stare before I sense his presence?
*** They scream at each other in ever increasing (hyphenated) volume. I witness fisticuffs, (no comma) and skirmishes. One will pursue the other to prolong their disagreement. They clearly do not practise discretion. All their dirty laundry is aired for all to hear.
*** He has attempted to communicate with me. His body language can best be described as intense, and bristly.
Yes, yes, you are perturbed with me, but I do not parlez vous squirrel. I’m sorry, but is that constant rapid fire (hyphenated) chatter ‘squirrelese’, or ‘squirrelish?’
***I’m certain I’ve never maimed, (no comma) or killed a squirrel.
***Am I the perplexed purveyor to a one-squirrel protest of some kind? Do you feel the passionate need to rant and rave? Have I been targeted as a front row (hyphenated) witness?
*** Even if they natter, chatter (comma) and scatter, (no comma) every squirrel (add -s) life matters.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
35
35
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I love how your muse is helping you stay centered. I have also found if I write something down it helps me remember any given item of words. There is something in seeing the words that help my brain to latch onto them and store them. I will say, my muse likes sticking things in my head just as I fall asleep at night, which can be problematic for writing something the next day.

Ninety-nine percent of my memories are of prose. Poetry is extremely hard for me. We all find our road to writing. I am glad you have found yours.

I have included a line-by-line review below:
Red = changes needed
Blue = suggestions
Green = my thoughts.

***At other time (add -s) a line for a phrase will pop into my head, like a kernel of popcorn in a Microwave. (love the alliteration you use)
***If I do not write it down or mentally repeat it, then it waves good-bye (not hyphenated) and goes off the find someone else.
***I very seldom encounter complete poems that steps (no -s) out of the blue.
***My muse is a gift from God, which means I am expected to join in the process of creation by working through any road blocks (one word) that may present themselves.
***Two of the main roadblocks that I encounter in the creation of a poem or story are fear and past trauma. (You could explain this more with possible examples of something which happened. You don’t have to give your life away, but especially “fear” is hard to fathom, at least for me)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
36
36
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is an interesting piece. Many of the “thought” lines are not coming across as complete sentences, which could work I guess since many human thoughts are not complete. I would personally italicize the thoughts to designate them. I liked the way you ended it, showing the possibility of just talking to someone can get you motivated again to just live outside whatever box you have constructed.

Red = changes needed
Blue = suggestions
Green = Comments

The line-by-line review follows:

*** And she'd written one in counselling (spelling) once. But this time she was doing it for a different reason...desperation. She was searching for a reason, any reason really, to live.
***Linda had known she had nothing to live for, (no comma) but had hoped that perhaps she was wrong.
***Angry at the lies she told herself, she began writing, as her English teach (add -er) had taught her in brainstorming, not censoring herself.
***Maggie (comma) just for being such a sweetheart of a neighbor. (this is not a complete sentence)
***Paul, for being the best brother I could ask for.(this is not a complete sentence)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
37
37
Review of Encoded Email  
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This piece reads as an introduction to a longer piece, such as Chapter One would be the beginning of a story. A short story has a definite beginning, middle, and end. There really isn’t an end to this story, just a suggestion of what comes next. The reader wants to see what comes next … turn the page so to speak. There is a bit of jumping from past tense to present tense which should be checked out.

I didn’t have any problem knowing who was talking at any given point, which is always a plus. I found no major punctuation problems.

Green: my thoughts
Blue: suggestions
Red: changes needed

***Sunday, (end of sentence, caps on ‘my’) my journalist girlfriend is off the Paris to cover fashion week, and my flatmate has been in bed like a lazy cat all morning.
***Wanna prank-call your brother? -Nick (I would put this in italics to mark it as a message, I am a bit confused about who wrote the message. Is the person asking Nick if he wants to prank someone? Is the person asking the “detective” if he wants to prank Nick?)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
38
38
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
I liked this story. I know there are many readers who can relate to animals possibly nibbling on items that are not for eating. The story was easy to follow. Even though you didn’t spend a lot of time describing Boo, you gave us enough information that dog lovers everywhere are now in love with her.

I have submitted a line-by-line review to follow: Red = changes, Blue = suggested changes.

Behold, The Bread Tie Bandit

*** When she was a tiny puppy, she ate little rocks and had to go get xrayed by the Vet. Luckily, the little rocks went through her because they were small enough. The Vet warned us not to let her run loose in the yard because she would probably eat more stuff that would require xrays (hyphen after x and normally capitalized) and big Vet bills.
***So, we built an enclosed area within our big yard, just for Boo. She has a run to go potty in and a deck to sun bathe (one word) on when it suits her.
***We walk her and give her treats that consist of green beans, carrots (comma) and fresh apple slices, on the advice of the Vet.
***Mr. Hooves insisted that was not the case. "It's plastic!" He (lower case) asserted. "She probably chewed it up and will poop out pieces of plastic. I'll find blue pieces in her poop."
*** She seemed fine and eventually (comma) I let it slip to the back of my mind. Neither one of us found any pieces of blue plastic in her poop, but since she seemed to feel fine, we forgot about it, mostly.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
39
39
Review by Starling
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is definitely a five-star contest. The artwork is profection. The different steps, in all six areas, are well thought out and interesting enough to have the writer complete and go on to the next. It draws on most people's love of fantasy and working their way through a treasure hunt, hoping to gain all the keys and get bragging rights they completed the conquest.

I would strongly recommend this contest again. I sincerely hope the time is taken to make sure there will be a new season next year.

My thanks go out to the organizers for giving us the fun included here.
40
40
Review by Starling
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Notes: Interesting story. I have never read one before where the occasional transformation into another object was so accepted unless it was a story about a large group of shifters fighting to be accepted or to hide. I liked the story though. I would suggest you put spaces between your paragraphs to make them easier to read. I have included a line-by-line review below.
Red - needed changes
Blue - suggested changes and comments.
***Today, while she was finishing up her morning shower after she and changed into her clothes. (comma not a period, lower case on -i) It happened.
***Her skin started to shift, changing from human flesh to some sort of metal. (comma not a period, lower case on -c) Colored red and black. "Oh no..." (lower case on -s) She muttered to herself, (period not a comma) and (caps on -S) she looked into a body-length mirror to get a better look at herself. She had turned into Windblade, a Transformer. "Why now?... (caps on -T) thank goodness it's a weekend."
Akemi's adopted mother then found her.
***"So who are you this time? Robot samurai or something?" Akemi's mother said. asked.
***"Thanks, Akemi... and don't feel yourself too much you'll go blind that way." (comma not a period) Akemi's mother said as she left.
***Akemi just rolled her eyes. "Mom... you worry far too much about me." (comma not a period, lower case on -s) She said to herself. "Still... can I access vehicle mode?" Akemi went outside and took a deep breath. She then turned into a VTOL jet. "Yes... I can, and I intend to make the most of this." She then went flying around her neighborhood, yelling with joy at the exhilaration.
***"I turned into Windblade on Saturday. Flew around." (comma not a period) Akemi said, (period not a comma) Akemi looked around the busy schoolyard, then saw a boy. "Oh my- you think he sees me?"
***"Yeah... this has been happening for as long as I can remember. Even before I was adopted by the O'Malley's... well enough about me." (comma not a period) Akemi said awkwardly. "Why don't you tell me a little about yourself?"
***"So how was school today?" Akemi's father said asked as Akemi, with a horse torso under her human torso trudged home.
***"Exhausted... you think spending the whole day as a centaur would've helped with that," Akemi said as she fell on the couch. She then shifted back to her human self, short black hair, chocolate brown eyes, and milk-white skin, her shirt with a jacket, jeans, and boots. "You know, it's sometimes nice to be someone else. But I'm happy being me." (comma not a period, lower case on -s) She said contentedly.
***"I thought that you turn into people. You don't become them." (comma not a period) Akemi's father pointed out.
41
41
Review of Escape From Above  
Review by Starling
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Notes: I liked this. It was an easy read and I could picture what was happening at every point. If something like this ever happens, and humanity makes it through to the other side, I know there would be someone somewhere, who would just be able to follow humanity's norm of taking in the information, accepting it, dealing with it, and continuing on. I have included a line-by-line review below.
Red - changes needed
Blue - suggested changes and comments
***... There was absolutely no denying that beings from somewhere else, be it a planet, dimension (comma) or time, (no comma) were here and they outnumbered us.
***... The Internet allowed me to dive deep into the rabbit hole of what at the time was considered canonical pseudoscience and of which now, I can tell you, is not all pure science fiction, swamp gas (comma) or birds flying in formation. Obviously, I can look back now and see that YouTube videos were hardly a proper investigation and admit that while there were many grains of truth online, it was mostly for entertainment.
***The real mind-blowing stuff was what I learnt learned from my parents who were working in a top-secret underground military facility known as DIME or Defense Intelligence Military Experiment, a programme created for the retrieval and reverse engineering of foreign technology which I suppose would explain my fascination with all things extraterrestrial, although I wouldn’t find this and so much more, out until later….
***.... There was a tremor in her voice that I had never heard before, not to mention the fact that it was 3 am and phone calls at that time were never good.(space needed) I first thought something had happened to dad. How wrong I was.
*** Do you understand?”...

(new paragraph) “I understand.”

(new paragraph) “There’s not much time, so listen carefully. In your father’s office, underneath the top right-side drawer of his desk, is a digital combination lock. Enter the code 9381 and take the book from the top shelf, third from the left, and make your way to us through the door that is opened. Are we clear?”
***‘Do you copy?’, that was how I knew it was serious. She rarely went into military mode around me, and to be honest, I couldn’t even remember the last time. It may have been the day that Keith Richards died. (space needed) Instantly awake, I grabbed the pen and paper I kept by my bedside and wrote down what my mother had told me. … I just didn’t believe in war and the concept of spending money that could be better spent elsewhere, on weapons (comma) and, (no comma) considering how easily everything went wrong, I feel justified in those beliefs. …
***I was ready. I found the combination lock, entered the code (comma) and stood in front of the library of knowledge and fantasy that was my father’s bookshelf.
***Besides the creepy ghost train eerily illuminating the station, the place was lifeless and seemed to have been for some time. There were no other lights (period) and (caps on -O) other than the hollow echoes of my own footsteps, the sound was only silence….
***“A strong handshake is a trusted handshake,” he would always say. I found that to not always be the case, but nobody ever out shook my dad. (I heard this all my life. Being a woman, some told me this didn’t mean females, but I get the creeps when other women barely hold the tips of my fingers or give a weak handshake. My mind says there is something wrong with them or the situation.)
***Some of what I heard I had previous knowledge of, things I had read in school or come across while net surfing (comma) and some of it was some crazy Independence Day meets Mars Attacks type s***. I would have had a hard time believing all of it if not for the people telling the story. Basically, beings in spaceships from other worlds were headed back this way with major reinforcements, retaliation for previously downed crafts, because negotiations with said beings had failed. …
FORUM
Ultimate Trinket Adventure [Mainland]  (E)
Collect treasures, complete tasks, and win the golden Apple..
#2267246 by GERVIC 🐉 House Targaryen

42
42
Review of Niffery's Notion  
Review by Starling
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Notes: This is an interesting thought, that Time is actually a small animal fluttering through the air. I love how you came up with capturing “Time with a memory for the past also. I have included a line-by-line review below.
Red - needed changes
Blue - suggestions, and comments
***... The second idiot jumped from bramble bushes in surprise, snatching it in that spot. Scraped and bleeding as he was."(this is not a complete sentence)
***Niffery waited, and he waited, but Jimmery failed to arrive. "That darn idiot wouldn't know what to do if someone was to tell him. I'll have to go find him to give him the plan again. I'll stick his nose in the ground where I find him, then drag him to the spot I want him to be at the end. There is where I'll catched (no -ed) the beast, and with Jimmery on that spot, I'll push his nose into the soil, so he'll recognize the smell when he arrives there again."
***"I don't know, but I think it has to be something that 'Time' really likes for it to be lured into our trap. Time don't like sugar, cake, or cookies. Hmmm, what would you crave if you were Time?" Niffery said. asked.
***"I don't know, but my Mum always told me that if I wanted to save a moment in time, I should capture it in memory. Then I'd have it frozen for all time." (comma not a period) Jimmery answered.
***With that, Jimmery reached up and plucked a memory from under his hair. It was the memory of his Mum, sitting on a stool, stirring a bowl of cookie dough. "Ummm, that looks good," (period not a comma) so (upper case on -H) he gently pinched the memory between his fingers and pulled it from his mind. "I have it, Niffery. I pulled the memory from me mind. Will that be 'Bait'?" he asked.
***... Finding me a moment in time, but if Time is our prisoner, then nothing will ever come to pass." (caps on -S) she reached down, parting Jimmery's fingers, freeing tiny Time from his trap, and the world awakened again.
FORUM
Ultimate Trinket Adventure [Mainland]  (E)
Collect treasures, complete tasks, and win the golden Apple..
#2267246 by GERVIC 🐉 House Targaryen

43
43
Review of Oh, deer!  
Review by Starling
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Notes: Oh this story is great. I love the way you have given the deer a voice. I read and write a lot of shapeshifter words, and this is right on the edge of that type of story. I have included a line-by-line review below.
Red - changes needed
Blue - suggestions, and comments
***With that, the deer turned and began heading deeper into the woods. Jake stood there, frozen to the spot, his mind telling him to run back to the house, but his body refusing (-ed not -ing) to listen to reason. …
***... It was really just a small outcropping of rock with just enough room for the five of them. (the way this is being said, you are saying there is just enough room for the five deer, but then you have enough room for Jake to enter? He would have been the 6th.) Jake, of course, stumbled in last, falling to the ground and breathing heavily, still wondering why he was even there.
***It was just a few minutes later when he heard a nearly deafening crack and the earth began to roll and sway under him. As the minutes, which seemed like hours, passed he heard more cracks and booms as several tall trees in the woods came crashing down, including one (comma) not ten feet outside of the "cave". When the shaking and nerve-shattering sounds finally stopped, Jake lay still in the dirt until weariness finally overtook him and he slept.
44
44
Review of Christmas  
Review by Starling
Rated: E | (4.5)
Notes: I’m not understanding your reference to T.S. Eliot, but it is not a huge point. I enjoyed the story a lot. Over the years when people have added life to a story that is just words on a page, I have found enjoyment. In the short piece, you have done very well painting a picture of what it must have been like to make the trip. I have included a line-by-line review below.

Red - needed changes
Blue - possible changes and comments.
***Hard enough it was, in winter, that journey in the limitless wastes, and we were old even then, all three of us, settled already in the assumption that our travelling (in the US there is only one -l) days were over. The call, when it came, so urgent and marked in the heavens, was answered with hope suddenly burning in our hearts, (no comma) and bolstered with an agreement between us, so we departed, stiffened joints and watery eyes notwithstanding, out into the cold and bitter sands of the desert.
***And always, at night, the star in the sky, (no comma) set like a diamond in a sable hide cloak. When we spoke, it was only to share our latest thoughts on the course we were following. Doubts there were but our consensus was that we must continue, (no comma) if only to find that we were fools at the last.
***There was nowhere for us to stay, the place being filled with those who come came to make themselves known in the census, and we resigned ourselves to spending the night out in the desert again. …
***And so we came at last to the promised new king. In that humble shack, among the animals penned for the night, he lay in a straw manger, a newborn child attended only by his mother and father. (According to the story wouldn’t there have been shepherds there also?) We knew him instantly, although I do not understand how. …
***The next day we left before the sunrise, having achieved all we intended. We carried with us a memory that would remain with us until death. And, perhaps, beyond.
FORUM
Ultimate Trinket Adventure [Mainland]  (E)
Collect treasures, complete tasks, and win the golden Apple..
#2267246 by GERVIC 🐉 House Targaryen

45
45
Review by Starling
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Notes: You have given us very sage words in this piece. I would put your quotes from other authors in italics and center them on the page. This is up to you though, because the designation of a quote is accepted and written in many different ways. I have often visualized my life as a roller coaster. I have also drawn on the idea life is a game, where the rules keep changing. I have included a line-by-line review below. Other than a couple of things marked I could find no other errors. Very well done.

Red - changes needed

***Inspiration comes from many sources. Just wandering outside, drinking in the ever-changing beauty of God’s world around me, oft times (one word) inspires me. The chirping birds and meowing of neighbors’ cats, or the heat of the sun on my arm might cause my brain to start spewing out endless words, "prose art" a friend called it recently. Reading the Bible or great classical literature or the works of famous poets might also cause my hand to perform in a writing frenzy.
***She also said that there would be downward slopes in our lives, times of true trials, perhaps depression and fears, or the deaths of those close to us. Having gathered strength on even ground and after having rejoiced after climbing treacherous rocks, the depths of despair and the downwards slopes were handled easier.
FORUM
Ultimate Trinket Adventure [Mainland]  (E)
Collect treasures, complete tasks, and win the golden Apple..
#2267246 by GERVIC 🐉 House Targaryen

46
46
Review of A Plant Walk  
Review by Starling
Rated: E | (3.5)
A Plant Walk
*Notes: There is a lot of good information here. I noticed your errors with punctuation. I use a program called Grammarly. It is free and it will check your written work for you. I have included a line-by-line review below.
Red - changes needed
Blue - suggested changes and comments

***Julie and Jerry had carefully planned the Plant Walk This morning each had packed a back pack (one word) for the walk.
***Julie’s held a small first- aide (remove space after -) kit, which held band aides, (hyphenated words) antibiotic ointment, a sprain wrap, and bee sting medication. She threw in several bottles of water. A (comma not a period, lower case on -a) clean t-shirt, and a small package of rubber gloves. As, an after thought (one word) she also threw in a clean pair of socks, some energy bars (comma) and a pair of clogs. Then she added a Plant guide book, a small tablet (comma) and a water resistant (hyphenated) pen. When the red back pack (one word) was closed she tied a cheap pair of plastic shoe covers to one of the rings that hung from the edge of the pack.
***“Be prepared, is what I think.” (comma not a period, lower case on -s) She replied.
***Jerry sobered. He was wearing Jeans, (lower case) a dark blue t-shirt (comma) and red hiking shoes. “O.K., In that frame of mind!” He began by stuffing a wrapped peanut butter sandwich, energy bars (comma) and bottles of water in his pack. He grabbed the solar flashlight he had recently purchased, adding it to the contents (period) of the pack.. Stuffing a light wind breaker (one word) on the top of everything he closed the pack. “Is your phone charged? Don’t forget your phone. And, bug spray.”
***Julie was wearing jeans with a narrow utility belt a green long-sleeved t-shirt, and ankle high (hyphenated) brown leather hiking shoes. Her phone, a small flashlight, a pair of lineman's pliers, and a small can of bug spray hung from leather pouches on the belt. “Yes. Plus, there is a small solar charger in my pack that can charge several phones, before the energy runs out of it.”
***Jerry chuckled. He walked to the drawer on the desk, took out a small pack of matches, then unzipping the pack he added them to the items and zipped the pack closed.” (put a space in front of quote marks and remove the space after the quote marks) Do you think we should take a tent?” he teased.
***There was a small parking lot where the trail started and ended. Now, it was crowded with four other cars. Julie was an herbalist. She often planned and took people on Plant Walks to learn more about the wild growing (hyphenated) herbs in her community area.
***People, four females and two males, (no comma) were sitting and standing by a picnic table situated in a clearing near the parking lot. “Oh good, it looks like everyone is here.”
***Jerry removed both back packs. (one word) while Julie locked the car and stowed her keys in her pack, which Jerry handed to her.
***“ (remove space) Jerry, this is Amy, Mary, Shirley, Susan, Sam (comma) and Buddy. I work with Amy and Mary. I met Sam and Susan at the Plant Conference, and Shirley and Buddy just called one day about the Plant Walk.”
***The group crowded around and were shaking hands with each other. Shirley spoke up. (opening quote marks) I don’t know about Buddy, but I saw your card at the conference Plant Walk table and just called the number on it.”
***... I think he went to the plant conference too. . (only one period) Julie explained about the merits of a Plant Walk (period) Now, I think I might be here to learn something.?”
***Julie began her guide talk. “O. K. Our walk is about four miles long. It begins over there.(quote marks) She (lower case on -s) pointed to a trail head (one word) with a sign on it pointing in the direction of the forest. (quote marks) And it ends on the opposite side of the parking lot. I’ve been on this trail a lot of different times and picked it for today, (no comma) because it is close to where we all live. It seems to have a lot of growing herbs along the edge. Remember, don’t pick anything until we all get a chance to photograph and list the plants. I’ll let you know if it is safe to take samples. (closing quote marks are not needed because Julie continues to talk in the next paragraph)
***(Opening quote marks) The trail is a circular path. We will be crossing small bridges, that transport hikers over smiling creek. (caps for proper name) Smiling creek (caps on Creek) is a very small tributary, about 5 (numbers ten or less are normally spelled out in writing) feet wide and calf deep, (hyphenated) (comma) that drains into a river several miles away. We are fortunate to have really nice weather today for the walk. We will see dense tree growth interspersed with meadows along the trail. (closing quote marks)
***The group walked over to the sign, (period not a comma) Amy took the lead. She was the shortest member of the group. …
***Amy was standing on the paved trail pointing at a clump of yellow blossoms. The others had gathered off the trail around the plant. A sudden roar from the forest, which they were going to soon enter, caused the group to look up.
***Jerry was standing close to Amy, (no comma) when Julie shouted (period, caps on -he) he reached out and grabbed her arm, jerking her toward him off the trail. A motor bike (one word) roared past at the same time. Within split seconds it exited the parking lot onto the road leading out of the park.
***Amy was rubbing her arm. “Thanks (comma) Jerry.”
***“What on earth was that, (question mark not a comma) Motor vehicles are not allowed on this trail. It’s a walking trail only.” (comma not a period, lower case on -s) Stated Julie.
***Buddy was squatted down next to the yellow plant. Now he exclaimed, “ (remove space) I know this, it’s just a weed.”
***His exclamation took the groups (apostrophe -s) attention away from the near accident. They all turned their attention to the plant.
***“Thanks to Jerry,” (period not a comma)
***“Hope I didn’t injure your arm with that quick jerk?’ (double quotes not single)
***(Opening quotes) This plant is a rather common one. It is classified as a weed. I’m sure many or all of you recognize a Dandelion. It is also an herb. Every part of it is eatable and useful as a medicinal plant. The scientific name is Taraxacm (spelling) officianale. The shape of the leaves resemble (add an -s) a lion’s tooth. The French call it “dents de lion.” (apostrophes need to mark this since it falls within speech) It has lots of different names in other countries, Blow ball, because of the seeds that develop from the blossom into a snowy soft ball. (one word) Each seed is attached to a small piece of fluff that allows the wind to carry the seeds and spread them as they disperse. It’s also called canker wort and wild endive... Take some close up (hyphenated) pictures of it so you can identify the leaves and stem. (closing quote marks needed)
***(opening quote marks) It’s rich in vitamins, A, E, C and iron, zinc, and calcium. Speaking of calcium, it puts it’s (no apostrophe) roots down deep into the ground and draws up calcium into the top soil. (one word) One of the reasons you see some places covered with Dandelion is because the soil needs the calcium nutrient this plant is providing. (closing quote marks are not needed because Julie continues to talk in the next paragraph)
***(opening quote marks) Medicinally the plant is a natural diuretic. And, the blossom is used as a pale yellow dye. It is also used as a food. O.K. Let’s move on down the trail. (closing quote marks)
***As they entered the forest Buddy would stop and run his hand up a tree here and there. Finally (comma) he drifted in beside Julie and asked questions about the trees they were passing.
***“Buddy this is a deciduous forest. I’m not as knowledgeable about trees. You should take some pictures. I’ll tell you some web sites, (one word) before you leave, where you can look up different trees to identify them. There are some conifers here.” Buddy was typing quickly, on his phone, writing down words to look up later.
***. (remove period) They were rounding a small knoll where the trail was bending to the right. The forest had receded leaving a rise in the land that was well exposed to sunlight. Mary pointed out a plant (period, caps on -H) her bright orange shirt was highlighted by the sunshine. (caps on -S) she was taking pictures of, a plant, (period, not a comma, caps on -W) “what is this?”
***Julie was turning pages in her guidebook. “ (remove space) I think it’s comfrey, Yes, see how the purple flowers are hanging down like small clumps of bells? The scientific name is Symphytum officianale.(caps on -o) You can buy this plant by the pound from tea houses and places like Amazon. However, its’ (no apostrophe) use is controversial. It contains chemicals, (no comma) and alkaloids that are considered dangerous to the liver if the plant is ingested. Because of some kinds of tests, the USA has labeled it illegal to use in medicines. It has been used for many years by individuals for coughs and sore throats. It has also been used as a healing agent for skin injuries. One of the dangers is that It (lower case) can be absorbed through the skin. A YouTube put out by HerbTV features a lecture by herbalist Rosemary Gladstar, about the plant, its uses, and the controversy surrounding the herb. You can see why it is growing here. Lots of sunshine and the soil is well drained. (hyphenated) It is also called a slippery root. And, it is easy to grow from seed. Take some pictures because I’m a little surprised to find it in this particular spot.
***(Opening quotemarks) Let’s move on I think we are near the bridge over smiling creek. The path straightened out and they saw the bridge ahead. (closing quote marks are not needed because Julie continues to talk in the next paragraph)
***... The stem grows up and becomes long and heavy, then loops down touching the ground to grow roots. This helps the plant to spread across the ground. Pollinator (add -s) enjoy the white or purple flowers. Don’t feed it to your animals, because it is toxic to pets. (closing quote marks)
***The group walked the circular path ending back at the parking lot. They had taken lots of pictures of plants. Lemon balm, lavender, and rosemary were some of the other plants found. Julie told Buddy where to find The American Botanical Council and the AHPA.org (America Herbal Products Association) (the abbreviation should be in parentheses and the written definition out of the parentheses) and cautioned him about not using plants as medicine unless he was sure of the results or risks.
***Jerry rejoined the group as they were moving toward their automobiles. “The park security caught the guy on the motor bike," (one word) he reported.
***" (remove the space) I clued them in to (one word) what happened here to us. He is going to receive a large fine and have to do some community service. He said he was just checking on the Comfrey plants he planted out on the trail somewhere.”
FORUM
Ultimate Trinket Adventure [Mainland]  (E)
Collect treasures, complete tasks, and win the golden Apple..
#2267246 by GERVIC 🐉 House Targaryen

47
47
Review by Starling
Rated: E | (4.5)
Read the Instructions!
*Notes: This is funny. I had a geography teacher who gave us a facsimile of this test once. One other girl and I were the only ones who got up and put the “completed” test on his desk as we were instructed. I loved school and always followed directions.
Red - changes needed
Blue - suggested changes and comments

***I learned a valuable lesson from an old teacher of mine when I was in the fifth grade at Resurrection School—a lesson I carry with me today in most almost everything I do. Read the instructions!
***(new paragraph) Typed in purple mimeograph ink at the top of the first page was the following: Turn to page fifteen and read the instructions before you begin the test. … I’d glanced up every now and then, (no comma) while trying to remember if the Nile River was in South America or England, and I saw that some students had their pencils down and were just sitting there. …
***As I reached the end of page thirteen, I jumped when I heard, “Time’s up. Pass your papers to the front.” Sister Regina collected the tests from each front-row seat, (no comma) as if she were a military drill sergeant—well… in a way, she was. She floated back to her desk and proceeded to form two stacks of the gathered test papers. #3 Write your name in the upper left hand (hyphenated) corner of page #1.
FORUM
Ultimate Trinket Adventure [Mainland]  (E)
Collect treasures, complete tasks, and win the golden Apple..
#2267246 by GERVIC 🐉 House Targaryen

48
48
Review by Starling
Rated: E | (4.0)
Notes: Very true information you have written here. Like you, I hope it helps someone out there in the world. I’m sorry if you have been hurt by the difference between courting and dating. Sometimes life’s lessons hurt. I have included a line-by-line review below.
Red - changes needed
Blue - suggestions and comments.

***Who ever (one word) said “ignorance was bliss” —was probably never in a relationship.
***In a conversation with a person my junior by 30 years or so, I made the discovery that she held that, in her words,(space before the quote marks, remove space after the quote marks) " the belief Courting was a thing of the past." and that "noone (two words) did that anymore! It was too old fashioned (hyphenated) .” I realized instantly that she had had a number of misunderstandings about what courting was, its purpose (comma) and that of dating (comma) and the roles they do, (no comma) and will play in any relationship.
***Now I don't profess to be any kind of relationship guru but Ive (apostrophe -ve) had my fair share of bad relationships (period, remove quote marks) but "I was fortunate in that most of them for me were early in the game before things were explained to me by my Grandmother. So I feel obligated to share a piece of knowledge many have seemed to have never gotten or never applied because it was mis-understood (not hyphenated) or just unknown. So, Allow (lower case on -a) me to explain.
***Let me break this down further. First— Dating has two parts. Going out, meeting new people, having fun, exploring ones (apostrophe -s) own gender role. It is now that you try new things but for the important purpose of learning what you like and equally important, what you don't like.
***Which This brings me to the second part. After all (comma) what are you dating for? Most women Ive (apostrophe -ve) spoken to say "to get married.,"(space after the quote marks, remove period) and most men say "to have fun till they get married." (not a new paragraph) In either case (comma) the second part of dating is to arm yourself with the ability to recognize the characteristics of such an individual. (not a new paragraph) Now it’s at this point, for many, that things go awry.
***Consider, You've (lower case on -y) found someone your you’re comfortable around, makes you feel good, special. You want to," (remove comma and quote marks) go steady, be exclusive, you don't want him or her to cheat on you. Am I right? If I am, for you the the difference between dating and courting at this point will be important to you.
***This can seem unfair and certainly without an understand(ing) of the purpose of establishing a courtship, seem even painful. Leading to headache, (add -s) fights (comma) or worse. But, keep in mind, a courtship is not a thing as much as it is a communication to your partner that you are ready and want more from them. It Is (lower case) a declaration, yes, and an important one so the two of you can get onto the same page. And Being (lower case) on the same page is the whole point. It's why cultures regardless of trappings have alway (add -s) been about both parties being on the same page. The parties agree, the parents agree. While the trappings have never been important.. (only one period is needed) The communication and its reciprocal agreement has have always been the point. Now it's At (lower case on -at) this point he or she is now accountable to you for their actions.
***And you can legitimately inflict all the rage you feel because breaking the trust given in a courtship is in fact, a betraiel. . (spelling, remove one of the periods)
***Let me further clarify what I mean by be(ing) on the same page. . (remove one of the periods) You've been seeing him for a few months. (add space) You think of him as your boyfriend then one night . (remove space in front of the period) (You have zeroed in on it being the girl's problem here. The phrasing needs to be changed so it could be male or female who is messing up) You and your girls go out and you see him with another. They see him or her too. Has he or her she betrayed your trust? Yes, but only if the two of you had talked and decided to stop dating others.. (only one period) If you haven't. (comma not a period) then he or she is within there their rights to continue dating. What do you do!
***This may be hard but, Bring (lower case) it up later with them. With this approach (comma) you can now know where you stand in any relationship.
***Keep in mind the overall purpose of courting or going steady or anything you want to call it is to consider the partner for marriage and building a family. It's not to cultivate any belief that you have a claim to the individual or any ownership.
***Its (apostrophe -s) my hope that a renewed awareness of a very old yet time honored-understanding of Courting and its rules may ease some of the emotional stress that can arise when one is not on the same page with the ones they love.

By Dayna AKA Ironworker
Offered for your consideration
FORUM
Ultimate Trinket Adventure [Mainland]  (E)
Collect treasures, complete tasks, and win the golden Apple..
#2267246 by GERVIC 🐉 House Targaryen

49
49
Review by Starling
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*Notes:
—If a sentence is broken by a qualifier such as -he said-, -she stated-, and is followed by prepositions such as -but-, -if- or -and- (just to mention a couple), then you use a comma to complete the sentence and make it whole.
—I am getting the feeling from writing you have given two variations of the same story. It is a bit confusing.
—I have included a line-by-line review below.
Red - needed changes
Blue - suggested changes and comments

***“What do you need to start this attempt to save us from starvation, thirst, and eventual death?” (lower case on -a) Asks the female side of Barrina-Yanus. (comma not a period, lower case on -the) The Wultians with the light blue skin from the Space Exploration Region.
***“We have checked out several other possible ways,” says Kinna-Madim. (comma not a period, lower case on -and) “And we believe this is our best chance to do it.”
***The Leaders start talking to each other again. But Madim-Kinna isn’t finished talking to them. “We understand your concerns,” says Madim-Kinna (comma not a period, lower case on -and) “And we will answer any that you have.”
***“It’s true, we haven’t been to any of these planets yet,” says Barrina-Yanus. (comma not a period, lower case on -but) “But we have sent Data Gathers to them. Including the six planets, we can’t live on right now. And we haven’t seen any signs they are inhabited.”
*** “We have been checking out the Data Gathering you have done on these planets too,” says Grayov-Statonia. (comma not a period, lower case on -and) “And we have gone beyond this gathering. What we have found is that none of these planets don’t have any population on them. Five used to be inhabited. But they don’t have any anymore. And they haven’t in a very long time.”
***“As for your concern,” says Statonia-Grayov. (comma not a period, lower case on -if) “If there is any life on these planets it will be destroyed after we re-create Wultian.”
***“WAIT,” shouts Kinna-Madim. “WE ARE SURE THERE IS NO LIFE ON THESE PLANETS.” (Using all caps is frowned on in the writing community. You have used the word -shout- which would signify the importance.)

Madim-Kinna and Grayov-Statonia look at each other. But it’s Madim-Kinna who shouts to the leaving Leaders. “IF WE DON’T DO THIS, THEN WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? AFTER ALL, THERE ARE ONLY ABOUT FIVE MORE BEFORE ALL OF US ARE DEAD.”
*** ##: If I have it figured right, this is where the new version of the story begins.
***“We haven’t approved any of them yet,” says Demmi-Roddim. “But there are quite a few we may approve very soon. Just haven’t decided which one we are going to approve yet. (This has already been stated in the previous sentence) ”
***“You must approval our solution,” says Kinna-Madim. (comma not a period, lower case on -so) “So, that we can continue being Wultians.
***“What is more important to us,” answers asks Kinna-Madim? (comma not a question mark, lower case on -finding-) “Finding all that we can about these planets or solving our overpopulation problem.”
FORUM
Ultimate Trinket Adventure [Mainland]  (E)
Collect treasures, complete tasks, and win the golden Apple..
#2267246 by GERVIC 🐉 House Targaryen

50
50
Review of Frog Song  
Review by Starling
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Notes:
I had no problem visualizing what was happening in the story. By capitalizing the pronouns I am taking it for granted you are saying the man in the swamp is supposed to represent either the devil or god. In this respect, I would say the story is a bit anti-climatic at the end. “He” turns out to be a man who was her father. I expected the man in the swamp to keep her with him and not let her leave. Again, I did enjoy the story. I have included a line-by-line review below.
Red - corrections needed
Blue - possible corrections and comments

***... The deepest I’ve slept were was the nights I heard the frogs singing outside my window as momma read me her bible.
***One night, as the frogs were singing my lullaby extra loud, momma came into my room, climbed into my bed (comma) and held me close. …
*** … She almost burned herself cooking and was slow to respond to anything I said, (no comma) if she said anything. Whenever she wasn’t working, she sat in her rocking chair and clutched her bible. I was scared for her and asking her about it only made her look right through me, (no comma) like she was looking through fog trying to find a spirit.
*** … I stood up and had started back to the house when I heard she’d stopped washing her hands. I turned around to see her standing, looking across the river and into the deepest part of the swamp. The twilight sky made the darkness of the swamp an abyss, and momma started walking towards it. She was waist deep (hyphenated) in the water before I called out for her. As I ran back to the bank I saw her drop and disappear beneath the surface.
*** … I’d seen it before it got too close, grabbed the machete by the door (comma) and chopped the head off. The fire under it had gone out hours ago and left it cold, but I ate it anyways. I couldn’t go into the swamp unless I was ready. …
*** I laid lay on the bank and tried to shake my thoughts away from my near death. The gator was gone, but I could still feel those evil eyes taunting me, warning me of what would happen if I went back in. …
***After a while (comma) I stood back up and grabbed the machete from beside me. Not having the moccasin would leave me hungry, but I could survive without eating.
***A twig cracked under one of its paws as it stalked towards (no -s) me. It knew where I was, my stomach had given me away. (you said this in the previous paragraph) My only chance was to make it to a shallow part of the river. It wouldn’t follow me there, it would be too slow in the water. Judging by sound was dangerous, but it had to have been at least fifty feet from me when I heard another twig snap. My stomach began to growl again, updating it to where I was. If I ran, it’d run after me, but at this rate (comma) it was going to catch me regardless. The sooner I made it to the river the better.
***My eardrums hummed again to the frogs’ song as my feet pounded into the earth, carrying me forward. The cat saw me tear past through a gap in one of the trees and let loose another low growl before sprinting towards me.
***The sound of the frogs enveloped the air. It was all I could hear when I felt the claws dig into my shoulders. I landed face first (hyphenated) into on the ground, my arms thrown to my side. Hot breath grazed the back of my neck as razors pierced into my shoulder blades. The sight of momma drowning played in front of me again as I screamed in pain. I needed to get to Him. I had to save momma. I couldn't die here.

***(new paragraph) The panther lifted its left paw and swatted my side. I tumbled a few feet. (A bit of confusion here. The panther knocked her to the ground face first and then you say she stumbled forward a couple of feet. You never had her getting up) My ankle twisted and gashes opened across my back where the right claws caught my flesh and tore my shirt.
*** … “Silent type?” His voice was gravelly, almost soft, but laced with venom. When it cut across my ears, I knew who He was. “Don’t worry, I know why you’re here,” He spit out when I failed to answer, (period not a comma) “I can smell the sin dripping off you like water. Your cup runneth over, child.”
FORUM
Ultimate Trinket Adventure [Mainland]  (E)
Collect treasures, complete tasks, and win the golden Apple..
#2267246 by GERVIC 🐉 House Targaryen

193 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 8 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/pager/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2