*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/pager/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3
Review Requests: OFF
505 Public Reviews Given
772 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 -3- 4 5 6 7 8 ... Next
51
51
Review by Starling
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Notes:
I love the name of your Detective agency… perfect.
Interesting take on the story. You’ve been able to set the stage to style it as one of the old detective shows on television or in the movies, nicely done. I have included a line-by-line review.
Red - needed changes
Blue- suggested changes or comments.
***It all started one blue sky morning as I was tossing some acorns to the neighborhood squirrel. A voice spoke, but unlike anything (comma) I had heard before. I learned telepathy was sort of like a mix between speaking to yourself and someone whispering in your ear.
***“Where are you. (question mark, not a period) It feels like your you’re speaking inside of me.”
***“I can’t get through to just anybody, and the only audible sounds I can make is are like the wind blowing. He ignores it.”
***“My programming won’t permit me to take that money. Since you’re dead that money doesn’t belong to you. It would be robbery.” There was a weak drawn out (hyphenated) gust. Her repertoire of sounds was increasing.
***That tripped my circuits. To equate me to Obi Wan (hyphenated) Kenobi was too much. I couldn’t turn her down.
***“Well, my husband, Clint, and I had been out drinking. We took a cab home, (no comma) and had another drink before going upstairs to our bedroom. At the top of the stairs, he shoved me down. …
***“Okay. I get the drift. Do you have any idea on how to pin the murder on Clint?” There was that weak long drawn out (hyphenated) gust again.
***“Her husband has a reputation as a wife beater. (hyphenated) ”
***”He is a wife beater. (hyphenated), but that alone don’t doesn’t make him a killer.”
***A meticulous perusal gave me one thing to consider. What if her neck hadn’t been broken in the fall? The stairs were heavily carpeted, (no comma) and would have cushioned the impact. This would explain why no other bones other than those in her neck were found to be broken.
***“Come right over here.” I felt a chill as she glided next to me. She placed a ghostly finger over the letter g. It went on the g then (I would put the letter “g” in double quotes, or you could write the -g if you want) through the keyboard. Nothing appeared on the screen though it did fog up. That was when I saw the solution to her communication problems.

FORUM
Ultimate Trinket Adventure [Mainland]  (E)
Collect treasures, complete tasks, and win the golden Apple..
#2267246 by GERVIC 🐉 House Targaryen

52
52
Review by Starling
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Notes:
First and foremost, I really liked this story. It’s quirky and I mean that in the nicest way. Makes we want to know where he “skipped” to next. There was no problem keeping up with what was going on.

I have added a line-by-line review. Hope it helps.

***Somewhere, not in space time (hyphenated) neither heavenly nor hellish, something, not solid neither based on carbon, silicon, nor iron, placed its creation on a spinning disc. It deftly laid a needle on the outermost track, (no comma) and observed.
***A shaking as in a(n) earthquake woke me. I was strapped in a seat. In front of me were large glass panes framed in steel. … Next to me, on my left, was a moustached (spelling) man piloting a plane.
***The pilot was yelling at me, but there was no sound. A large black cloud appeared to the left and with it a shocking world of ear splitting (hyphenated) screams, explosions, and all the thuds and cracks of a damaged plane. The familiar smell of charred wood and bodies ripped open invaded the cockpit.
***Rising from my seat, I went to the back of the plane. Jagged holes crisscrossed the fuselage. Blood, guts, (no comma) and dead men were floating on water red with blood. Out of twenty (comma) only three were alive and unharmed. Their eyes were bright with fear.
***“Sarge, I see a farm house. (one word) over there. We might find some food.”
***We splashed through the knee deep (hyphenated) water and reeds and climbed onto a muddy road that led to the farm house. (one word) We were on an island. The Jerries had broken the dikes and flooded the surroundings.
***The Jerries didn’t see us, (no comma) and proceeded to the farm house. (one word) Disembarking near it, they were met by an elderly couple, apparently, the owners.
***The worried and puzzled look on the man made (hyphenated) me take off my helmet and introduc (spelling) myself. “Hello, my name is Aaron, and we’re British soldiers.”
***“Henry’s me (this should say “my” but I wasn’t sure if you were going with some type of accented speech) name.”
***Lovely, that’s when I learnt learned their names.
***When I woke, Liam was standing over me. “I’ve brought a pot of tea and a scone for each of you. Light is in the east(ern) sky. Don’t leave anything behind.”
***All day we’d been hearing, seeing, and smelling destruction from that way. Now, it was obvious the Canucks had won. Five boats, half way (one word) across the bay and filled with Jerries, were retreating our way.
***Feeling sick, I looked up. Thin white smoke was trailing the plane. Someone slapped my back. “Good shooting.” Then, he grunted, (no comma) and fell into the water.
From:
FORUM
Ultimate Trinket Adventure [Mainland]  (E)
Collect treasures, complete tasks, and win the golden Apple..
#2267246 by GERVIC 🐉 House Targaryen



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
53
53
Review of The Last Date  
Review by Starling
Rated: E | (4.5)
***I have no idea what the Capital A’s with the carrot on them mean, so I haven’t marked anything about them.
I was about to ask here why you needed an interpreter but then reached the last sentence. Good final jolt.
I had no problem following the story. You were able to let me know about the characters without the overuse of words or descriptions. Well done. I normally stay far away from reading tragedy, but because of a contest I’m in I have to read from this genre. This story was a good way to get through the requirement.
Below I have added a line-by-line review. Red is for changes that need to be made. Blue is for suggested changes.

*** She did not look down at her bundle; her eyes stared unfocused as she walked. What struck me as the most-odd (not hyphenated) was that although it was mid-January, she only had on a light pink nightdress, faded from continued use, which reached just below her bare knees. She only wore a single slipper on her left foot and a sock like (hyphenated) bootie on her right foot, encrusted with snow and ice; the slipper's mate had apparently been lost somewhere during her journey.
*** Her hands, wrinkled with age and dotted with liver spots, felt (I can see why you can tell her legs are cold because of the tinge of her skin, but how do you know her hands are warmer? You don’t mention touching them.) a little warmer from holding the quilt, but not much.
***…I looked at her with concern and smiled, (period not a comma, caps on -S) she smiled back. Her smile lacked strength, (no comma) but was genuine.
***Her hands came to rest on a man's name sewn with golden yellow thread on to (one word) a black cotton background.
***The traffic was light; however, driving was slow due to the snow on the roads. I caught more glimpse(-s) of the quilt and he the expressions.
***The second time, I paid more attention and made sure the cup landed correctly and the in line for the dispenser.
***I am uncertain how long I sat there, but Stephanie came with the interpreter and we went back to her desk and I began giving whatever information I could to Stephanie.
***I never discovered her last name that night. From Sophia's quilt, I learned her husband's name, (no comma) and the names of her children on the ride to the hospital.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
54
54
Review by Starling
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Well done. You have stated your reasoning, given examples that are possibly believable to the reader, and brought the story to a conclusion.
***Dr. Rhode sat across from the notable talk show host, Oprah Winfrey. The show began who with the audience applauding as the camera moved from the crowd to the hostess and her guest.
***“My guest today is the author of the New York Times bestselling book, Inventing God,” she said. “Tell us a little about your book’s premise Dr. Rhode.”
***The idea is that God only exist (-s) as we give the notion substance. We create God in our minds. But, what we do in response to that creation defines the nature if of God. In essence, we are Gods to ourselves.”
***“That is fascinating. You hold three Ph.D.’s, one in physics, one in philosophy (comma) and one in phycology. How long did it take you to write the book and the steps you made compiling the information. (question mark)”
***A middle-aged woman in a blue blouse raised her hand and was given the mike. “What is your take on death?” she said asked.
***During the break, Rhode had a talk with Oprah about appearing on a follow up(hyphenated) show to fully explain his take of on theology. After the break (comma) the discussion went on about different kinds of “Gods” one can create, whether it be a violent God, a careless God (comma) and so on. He also spoke about suffering which he addressed in his book.
***Rhode drove home in is his Porcha and parked in front of his house. He was tired and decided to take a nap on his sofa. He fell asleep and had a dream.
***“Is there pain in a normal dream?” said questioned the messenger.
***“Atoms hold things together. It is a scientific fact. There is no proof of a God. And don’t forget the human soul cannot be proven. How then do you know of where it goes after death?”
***“Where do you think? This is heaven.”


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
55
55
Review of Tomorrow Now  
Review by Starling
Rated: E | (5.0)
Interesting is all I can say. You have taken hope of the remains of the human race, had it die away without any human knowledge, and then destroyed any evidence of the hope or humanity existing. I like the way you took "hope" from the bright beginning, through a slow death, while still existing and then snubbed it out at the last moment, right when the possibility of everything being ok existed.

There was no problem seeing the scene you painted with words. I found no grammatical errors.

I tend to be a happy-ever-after (HEA) ending person so I was waiting for everyone to wake up out of stasis or something.

Thank you for posting


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
56
56
Review by Starling
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I love this sentence: "In life, happiness is the game; not the final score." It took me many years to realize trying to find happiness is one of the biggest life games everyone has to play.

Your beginning blurb hammers home what can be considered happiness, depending on your circumstances.

I've heard about the Lottery Curse. It is interesting how people can win so much money and end up with nothing.

I found only minor problems. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

***It's a mistake to waste a large portion of your life seeking that one "thing" that'll make you happy, (no comma) as if it was the Holy Grail or the most important thing you can find.
*** We can choose to travel that rough gravelly road either riding the hard board (one word) of a buckboard wagon seat or traveling in a Rolls Royce. It’s our choice to make.
***Sure, bad things happen to good people too, but it’s how you react to adversity that determines whether you'll become a victim, wallowing (no -ing) in self-pity, or be a winner who works through the bad times focused on your life goals.
***(new paragraph)Happiness is not something you can buy or win in a lottery. The old saying that "money cannot buy happiness" is true, especially for those who believe that wealth equals happiness. Human nature will, after all, prevail.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
57
57
Review of Hit or Miss  
Review by Starling
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Need spaces between paragraphs
*Remove the word "that" in as many places as possible to make the reading more concise
*Interesting ending. There was definitely a nice build-up to what you concluded in the end.

***(Quote marks)That party was amazing."
***"Hey (comma) I didn't drink that much."
*** Yes I was only 16 and Ryan was 17 but a little rule breaking (hyphenated) every once in a while was ok right? We were good most of the time.
***The other car had just hit us but no harm was done. (comma not a period, lower case on -e) Except for the paint job.
***"Be safe." He drove away slowly and taking took care to stop at every intersection. I worried (comma) even more (comma) when he was no longer in my sight.
***I walked into my house and saw just enough of my parents to say that my phone had died and that I was sorry for being out too late.
***He asked me out and after a much longer pause of shock that than I'd care to admit, I answered yes.
***(new paragraph) The next night I had another nightmare, only this time, the headlights came even closer.
***It was a relief to have someone who suffers the homework load along side (one word) you. It was even better with the one I loved.
***(new paragraph)The last years of high school came and went. I had to come to terms that when summer ended I was going to college. ***Worse Jason and I were going to different colleges. He wanted to be a lawyer and I wanted to be a vet. Colleges didn't exactly agree with teaching both subjects.
***(new paragraph)After the close call car crash (comma) I worried more about enjoying life so living my dreams had become my first priority.
I also succeeded in doing something throughout my whole college career what that most students couldn't do for a week. I never drank.
***I had heard way too many stories of students waiting years after college for a steady job. now (Cap) I had one. My life had flown by without warning.
***(new paragraph) In that year I mostly saw Ryan.
***The day before Jason was supposed to come home rushed towards (no -s) me.
***(new Paragraph) When I saw his car pull into my driveway it took my me ten seconds to get from my room to his car door. It took him less time to open his door and rush to me.
***I didn't want to mute the movie because than then they would know I was listening in. I gave my boyfriend and dad some privacy. A minute later Jason came in and got down on one knee.
***After my wedding (comma) my friends started to get married too.
***(new paragraph)It was two years after marrying Jason when we had our little baby girl Sophia. She was the joy of our lives. Nothing made Jason and I me happier than watching Sophia learn, play, and grow. Her first birthday came and it was just Jason and I me. We didn't want a big party. because (comma not a period, lower case on -s)She was only one, (period not a comma, caps on -W) we would save the huge parties for her teen years.
*** After a day of spoiling Sophia with new toys and ice cream (comma) we all went to bed. I knew the second I fell asleep I was going to have my final nightmare.
***I felt the car flip and watched in horror through my spinning vision as the other car veer of veered off the road. I was aware of Ryan in the seat next to me. Then it ended.
***(new paragraph) People say your life flashes before your eyes in the last seconds before death comes. That happens every day (comma) doesn't it? Our mind is constantly recalling memories, our life (comma) and our past every second of the day.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
58
58
Review by Starling
Rated: E | (4.0)
This reads as an opening blog on the front of a book or as the description of the story if you are going high-tech and using one of the online book-selling sights.

From what you have written we know there is a race of beings, superior in space travel who visits Earth on a regular basis to refuel their ships. They use water for this. During their many trips to “the little blue planet”, they have decided they are superior to Earthlings in every way. When their “fuel source” is threatened they decide to get rid of humans, except for a select few who will be kept on display in some type of zoo.

*** much to the amusement of the interstellar travellers, as they often play 'catch me if you can' (double quotes needed) with the most advanced of the native's craft.
*** So quickly have the The humans gained in numbers, along with their use of fossil fuels without any thought towards the future is becoming a problem.
***Then, a A decision is made, and as the craft sets off on its mission, there is a degree of sadness among those who have decided the fate of so many.
***And as As the craft arrives to release its payload on the unsuspecting billions,


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
59
59
Review of Earthship  
Review by Starling
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is an article that describes how to build an environmentally friendly house out of tires, glass, and cans.

I would strongly suggest you make your paragraphs shorter. This can possibly be done by dividing up your work into sections, such as Description, Beginning Preparation, Walls etc. It is much easier for readers to read and comprehend shorter paragraphs.

*** (new paragraph)We have not changed the type of housing that is generally accepted in society in over a hundred years or more. …
***... The Pythagorean Theory is when you have three sides of a right triangle, the side opposite the right angle is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides (a2 + b2 = c2). …
***(new paragraph) There will also be can and bottle walls created with your tire walls. The cement is placed and formed in the area for the wall with the cans and bottles used as filler.
***Cisterns gravity feed a DC (never use abbreviations without first telling what they stand for) pump and filter panels (WOM) which is make up the Water Organizing Module (WOM) (I moved this abbreviation to here so there is no confusion on what it stands for). A Pump and filter panel (WOM) pushes water into a pressure tank and conventional household water pressure is the result.
***(new paragraph) One thing to keep in mind, do your own research or have someone knowledgeable in plants to help if you are not familiar with them because some plants will grow well together while others will not, you basically will want to plan your garden before planting it.
***I just mention this because there are endless opportunities to create ways getting electricity and living in a green home you can still have WiFi and tv. (I would use the full word - television - instead of the abbreviation.)
***(new paragraph) I am going to concentrate on the Reynold’s experience with electricity here. Energy is stored in batteries and supplied to your electrical outlets throughout the home.
***(new paragraph) An Earthship Power Organizing Module (POM) draws the electricity from the batteries, inverts some of it from AC electricity and supplies it to the home.
***(new paragraph) Some Earthships (spelling) will still use electricity for their stove and fridge or you could go totally off the grid and use a solar oven and fridge with solar power as well; there have also been many who have figured out other ways to use these appliances off the grid, do some research and choose the option best for you.
***(new paragraph) I feel this is the next step in housing, which will be affordable, cleaner for the environment, and much healthier for us to live in.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
60
60
Review by Starling
Rated: E | (4.0)
I loved this piece. The idea behind it is new and refreshing. I would suggest you try and make smaller paragraphs. Readers tend to get lost in trying to figure out where they need to read next.

***(new paragraph) Jack ran quickly down the hillside and caught up with Deb. (NOT a new paragraph) "Why are you in such a hurry to get home, it is the weekend?"
***"You know it is Brad Field's funeral today, (period not a comma, caps on -I) it is being televised at 3 p.m."
***"Oh, I forgot, (period not a comma; caps on -Y) yes we should not miss that, (period not a comma; caps on -G) guess neither of us would have jobs and none of this would exist without him." He waved a hand at the green landscape as he spoke.
***"Exactly," said Deb, "So chop chop let us move", doubling her pace. (Rewrite: “Exactly. So chop chop let us move,” said Deb as she doubled her pace.)
*** (new paragraph)They got to the terminus, at the foot of their giant apartment block, just 5 minutes later, and disembarked, taking the lifts to the 212th floor, to their apartment.
***They rushed into the Living Room, shouting to the Home AI as they did, to turn on the 3D viewer and tune into the funeral. They got pictures of the grand cathedral in Sydney, where the funeral was taking place, (period not a comma, caps on -T) and the commentator was speaking about Brad's life, as they waited for the coffin to arrive, (period not a comma, caps on -M) millions of people lining (-ed not -ing) the streets, with Australian flags in their hands, waiting for the convoy to appear.
***(new paragraph, add opening quotes) “A lake, that previously filled only 4 (normally any number below ten is spelt out, so you might want to put the word “four” here) times a century naturally, became the major inland freshwater sea we all know and love today.
***(new paragraph, add opening quote marks because the announcer is still talking) “As forests and farms replaced deserts Australia started sucking in the CO2, that had been warming up the world for a generation and reversed the greenhouse effect.
***(new paragraph, add opening quote marks) “There has perhaps been no man in all history who was so mocked in the early stages of his life and yet who is so praised, as he is today.
***"Oh look into the sky," said Debs, (no -s) "Oh that is marvelous."
***(new paragraph) It was an amazing unbroken story of success and expansion coupled with clean air, clean energy, an explosion of life, and an end to the toxic wasteful exploitation and desertification of landscapes that had preceded it.
***Brad Field's eldest son, the current chief executive (caps) of the Australia Transformation Project, proudly stood up to give a tearful eulogy.
***"We celebrate the life of my father today, (period not a comma, caps on -W) we remember a man who was written off by the most important people of his time for the vision he carried in his heart. They told him that what he wished to do was too expensive, that it could not be done.
***"I will miss him, (period not a comma) I think we will all miss him", (comma inside the quote marks) he sobbed, unable to hold back his tears anymore.
***And the whole of Australia cracked and cried, in the same moment, so united were they in their grief for this great man, that had changed the world and made it forever green (period)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
61
61
Review by Starling
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very interesting story. I love the aliteration you have used giving human qualities to the cacti. The story read smoothly and orderly. Sometimes this type of story jumps around.

You didn’t have a lot of character development but what you did show was well thought out.
***Many others stood round around the leaders and waited for the big announcement. There'd been word on a major change in management of the arboretum.
***"Walter the cactus wren heard the story. When he flew into the interp (spelling) center the other day he heard the in-charge people talking. They think of us as boring, and uninteresting. We are spiny, hurtful. Dry, dusty, and not of this century."
***"So untrue. So short sighted.(hyphenated)(period)” Murmurs came up from the smallest cacti at Stan's base.
***"So what are we going to do Stan?" Aloyisious asked. He always wanted to please and do the right thing, and smooth things over.
***All the rest cheered and the push was on. For the next month (comma) all energies went into the 'big bloom'.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
62
62
Review of Gervic's Portal  
Review by Starling
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow, I love this.
63
63
Review of The Answer  
Review by Starling
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

"The Answer" 

The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.


Title and Author: The Answer by Sum1

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
Your Words
My Impressions as I read
Editing Suggestions

Plot::
Sara calls the wrong number on the phone and starts traveling a new path in her life.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
The first sentence takes us to a time we all can relate to.

Characters Development:
I liked the character development. It started slow but built as it progressed.

Dialogue:
The dialogue helped to keep the story going. It all fit into the story.

Punctuation and Structure:
I have done a line by line review below.

Closing Statement
I liked this story. It was a slow build and the twist, in the end, was well done. You need to get a little better grip on punctuation and your division of scenes. Think of a scene as what you can see through a camera lens. You can see what is in front of you but not is what is happening over the hill, on the other end of the phone or behind you. You have more than one chapter in this short story.

Starling

<>=====<>=====<>
***“Rick, listen (comma) please. I don’t know if you remember me, but we met at lunch yesterday.
***Nick sighed softly, (no comma) but knew he would listen. It was one of his strong suits, just like his father, and brother. They were all good listeners, (no comma) and were often told things they didn’t need to know.
*** I’m a brunette with curly, shoulder length (hyphenated) hair. You commented on my blue eyes, and how captivating they are. Remember now?”
“No Rick, Susan introduced us, this is Sara. Sara McCluskey. I’m the brunette with curly, shoulder length (hyphenated) hair. You commented on my blue eyes, and how captivating they are. Remember now?”
As she spoke, Sara idly twirled her hair with her fingers, slowly pacing in circles around her room. (This is called head-hopping. Nick can not see her doing this so the reader should not know she is doing it. You need to add it somewhere else.)
***(New scene.This is called head-hopping. Nick can not see her doing this so the reader should not know she is doing it. You can make it a chapter break or just some sort of break such as a dashed line. eg. +++++ or <>=====<>)
***At the same time, he felt a connection with her, (no comma) and knew he’d listen whenever she called. “Yes of course. Call me when or if you need to. You have my number after all.”
***(This is the start of another scene from Sara’s point of view. It needs to be divided off, either by a chapter marker or maybe some other type of devider. Eg. ======= or <>=====<>====<> or something of your choice.)

Sara also fell asleep quickly. She had been so distraught over what happened the previous day, talking to Rick had really set her mind at peace. She was asleep in minutes, (no comma) and dreamed of a man who guided her decisions.
***The next morning Sara woke up late. She wasn’t hung over (one word) at all, (no comma) and felt refreshed, ready for a new day. A new world.
***She gasped as she looked at it, and realized she’d misdialed the number by one digit. Horrified, she knew she had to call this man again. Not only to apologize for calling so late, but for thinking (comma) he was Rick all that time.
***"Oh my God, I’m so sorry! I called you late last night, (no comma) and thought I was talking to Rick, a man I’d met the day before yesterday.
(New Scene, needs to be divided)
***Sara called as planned that night, she and Nick talked for three hours. Nick couldn’t believe how much she had to say, much of it stuff she just needed to get off her chest. Finally (comma) she said, “Rick, I’m at a crossroads (one word) in my life. I’m twenty seven, (hyphenated) single, eligible in every respect. But I haven’t found a man I click with (comma) in that special way. At the same time, I’ve finished my bachelor’s degree, and I’m ready to start a career. Any suggestions on what kind of career I should get in to (one word)?”
***“Have you thought about public speaking? This could get you in to (one word) a number of fields in business. A business leader has to be well spoken, (hyphenated) and able to speak in front of the public.”
***“Really? Look how you’ve opened up to me in less than twenty four (hyphenated)hours.”
***The next day he made it a point to look up Sara McCluskey at Columbia. He had fond memories of that school. (This statement is repeated in the next sentence.) It had been a while, but he had fond memories of Columbia University. Seeing her picture on the website, he was pleased to see she was a brunette with short curly hair.
***He made a couple of calls to friends about Sara. He wanted her guided properly, (no comma) and knew these men would help him. Over the next few weeks (comma) he monitored the Toastmasters website, (no comma) and was pleased to see she had joined it. Once in a while he would attend a session incognito and listen to Sara speak. She was always passionate about her topic, (no comma) and presented herself far better than she thought she could. She was a good looking (hyphenated) woman, (Period not a comma and caps on He) he noticed her hair was now cut in a different fashion. She had the look of an experienced businesswoman. She did not appear aggressive, just confident in herself. He found her very attractive, and fascinating.
***<>=====<>=====<> (give a chapter title or a partial break sign. You can center it but don’t have it go all the way across the page.)
***“Hello (comma) again Sara. How are you today?”
***Another lie. Nick didn’t mind crowds, never had. But he had taken to living alone on his estate, having his necessities either sent to him, (no comma) or sending someone to get what he needed.

(New scene, needs devision)

***Sara frowned, glad that Rick couldn’t see her face. She knew she was falling for this ‘invisible man’ (double apostrophe), and wanted to meet him.
***“Well, I know I’ve said it many times to you, but thank you (comma) Rick. Thank you for mentoring me, having faith in me, and guiding me. I don’t know where I’d be without your advice and friendship.”
***She didn’t know what to think of someone who wouldn’t go out anywhere, (no comma) and wondered once again about her true feelings for him.

***Nick pondered the call for a while. He had been waiting for Sara to ask to meet, (no comma) and knew they couldn’t. She had no idea what he looked like, his age, or anything.

(New chapter, remove the devision mark you have)
***They had been major contributors in designing the original I-Pod, and the follow on (hyphenated) I-devices. Now retired from that, he spent the majority of his time working on new ideas. He knew how the new I-Pad (no hyphen, lower case i and caps remain on P) tablets were being designed, (no comma) and decided he would build something similar, but very unique. He couldn’t do it at his estate, (Period not a comma and caps on It) it would have to be done in a factory. But since he was going to make just the one device, he knew he could call in a few favors and have it built without anyone snooping into his plans too much. It took a lot longer than he wanted, but in less than two years, he had a working prototype.

(New chapter or devision)
***It’s not time. But, if you’d like to meet, please come to 66 Brielle Avenue, Staten Island the day you receive this. Bring it with you, open it when directed (comma) please. Be here about 3pm. Tell the gatekeeper your name, and that you are here to meet me. He’ll get you to me. Rick.”
***She wanted to look her best for Rick, (no comma) but didn’t want to look too businesslike. She finally settled on a pair of blue Dockers slacks, a pale yellow top, and comfortable shoes.
***As the gate opened, Sara stepped through, (no comma) and sat in the seat as directed. Sam closed the gate with a button press, (no comma) and put the cart in gear. “Where are you taking me?” she asked.
***Sara still couldn’t understand what was going on, but did as requested. Once past the trees, she stopped, her mouth moving to say something, but no sound could escape. Finally (comma) she collapsed to her knees, sobs wracking her body. In front of her was a simple headstone.

Nick Griffiths
April 10, 1945 - May 5, 2015
He loved many things, even a woman he never met.

***Through her sobs (comma) Sara heard Nick’s voice as it tried to soothe her. “Sara, we couldn’t meet, much as you and I both wanted. I wasn’t healthy enough to get out. My body was frail, my mind was not.”
*** That's all you can do to this (me)(choose one of these words) , the rest is done by me while I'm connected to the Wi-Fi network and on the internet."


Rick Griffiths Jr.
August 12, 1960 – September 11, 2001
Beloved brother of Nick, the real genius behind their projects

Rick Griffiths Sr.
January 31, 1922 – September 11, 2001
The father, the patriarch, the one who made us possible.

***It was quite a while before Sara could calm down and stop sobbing. Her hair was a mess, makeup smeared, eyes red and swollen. Finally (comma) she could think again, and said, “What became your reason to keep on living?”
***Sara sobbed once again, (no comma) but quickly regained control. “I know what to call this gadget you’ve given me. But first, can it be duplicated? Can more be manufactured?”
64
64
Review of I wonder...  
Review by Starling
Rated: E | (5.0)
The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.


Title and Author: I Wonder by HollyMerry

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
Your Words
My Impressions as I read
Editing Suggestions

Plot::
A Regency lady searches for her missing shawl and makes a delightful discovery.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
The opening sentence draws us into the story immediately. We now know we are on the hunt for something important.

Characters Development:
In this short piece, character development is accomplished nicely. Through the names of different items the scene is set.

Dialogue:
Dialogue also is used to set the sceens. The words and names mentioned introduce the time period.

Punctuation and Structure:
You need a period after Mrs. and Mr. I normally use Grammarly to help with punctuation and spelling. It is showing me many words which need to be hyphenated. I realize you are probably in Europe, so not sure if the same rule will hold true for you.

Closing Statement
When you post in WdC make sure you add a space between paragraphs to make it easier to read. I love reading period pieces. You kept my interest by adding a touch here and a touch there of mystery.

Starling
-------------------------
Line-by-line review:

*** "I wonder where my shawl can have got to,(question mark not comma)” Lady Noel mused.
***... walk in the rose garden about the manor. Unfortunately (need a comma)the rain returned with typical unpredictability ...
***... tonight’s dinner party as it would have complemented (spelling) her gown so well.
*** ... she called to her spaniel, Tospy.(spelling)
*** ...this odd conduct in her normally well behaved (hyphenated) dog.
*** ... been in here and moved it,” (since you say she asked, I think a question mark should take the place of the comma) Lady Noel asked when the housekeeper appeared.
*** ... She was only just beginning to remember where all the breakfast things were kept in the well stocked (hyphenated) still-room.
*** Once they were safely out of earshot of the sitting room (hyphenated) door, Mrs Early berated,
*** She’s been making the drawing room (hyphenated) ready for the guests, " Jenny suggested.
*** Crestfallen, Jenny fetched down the sugar loaf (one word) from the shelf.
*** “Oh, how lovely!” Jenny laughed, clapping her hands and reaching out to stoke (spelling) the velvety soft puppies.
*** Lady Noel laughed, proudly fussing over Tospy (spelling) and the puppies.
*** I'm so relieved that you looked for her there, (period not comma) I would never have thought she'd hide under the staircase.”
***“I would have finished it had it not been for Topsy’s puppies playing with it. It’s quite unravelled. (spelling) ”


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
65
65
Review by Starling
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.


Title and Author: What We Became - Ch 1 by Doublecat

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
Your Words
My Impressions as I read
Editing Suggestions

Plot::
We learn early in the story Clyde has been a homicide detective for two years. To learn the ropes he has been paired with another detective who is about to retire. The chief has now told him he needs to choose one of the women in the department for his next partner.

Hook:
Pre-existing problem is set in motion almost immediately, the disappearance of his brother and sisters.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
The opening sentences and paragraphs, quickly set the scene and draw us in to find out if Clyde will eventually find out what happened to his siblings. I am hoping this is not just a smokescreen to draw the reader forward. If it is you are going to have disillusioned readers who will eventually give up on the story, before reaching the end.

Characters Development:
Clyde is a believable character. We still don’t know much about him, only what he has told us, in his mental dialogue.

Dialogue:
Most of the dialogue is mental. The little bit that is not is well done. There is no problem knowing who is talking at any given time.

Punctuation and Structure:
I have listed the line-by-line suggestions below. Generally, your punctuation and paragraph structure is sound. I would suggest you have smaller paragraphs in a couple of places. Readers tend to look at the long ones and start thinking they are going to get bogged down. You want to keep them moving through your story.

Closing Statement
This is going to be a good story. There is a good setup to possible roads you can take in future chapters.

Although I have been writing for a lot of years I am still learning also. One of my problems is how to Showing versus Telling. You should look into this also. I have been told over and over I have a long way to go if figuring this out also. In July I start another class on WDC concerning this subject. You write using the same technique I do most of the time. You want to set the stage so you tell everyone what is happening to everyone and the scenery. While this is not bad, I’ve also been told you show what is happening by the actions of the characters. When you get a chance look into it.

Thank you for posting. I would be interested in reading more as you proceed.

Starling
-------------------------------
.... I had to figure it out on my own. I would break this into a new paragraph at this point. Even if you don’t do it here, this long paragraph needs to be broken up somewhere. Don’t know if this will help, but I take a breath and start reading. When I hit a point I need another breath, I know I need to divide the paragraph somewhere close to that point. It turned out I had a knack for it. Some of the crime scene guys were confused when the new guy took the…
… Word got out that I'd handled things relatively well on my own. Soon I'd be set up with a new partner, Suggestion: … relatively well on my own and soon I’d be set up…
… "Clyde," he said. "Clyde Bannon." I wouldn’t repeat his name. Sounds here like the chief is asking if he has the right person. Maybe he could ask if Clyde had a moment to talk with him.
… In the fifth paragraph, you mention the area is called the bullpen. Latter you explain what it looks like. I would move the description up to the fifth paragraph, adding a paragraph break after the explanation.
… too happy about it," the chief said in a hushed voice, period, not a comma, Caps on Leaning leaning in. comma not period and add qualifier ...he continued (comma) "They'll get along, though.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
66
66
Review of Help Wanted  
Review by Starling
Rated: E | (3.5)
Title: Review: Help Wanted by Genipher

The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. {/center}

Title and Author: Help Wanted by Genipher

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
c:black}Your Words:
Review comments
My Impressions as I read:
Editing Suggestions:

Plot::
A man is looking for a job where he can serve as a scientist assistant. He hasn’t had much luck until he applies at Dr. Nobody’s residence. He gets the job and learns his duties quickly. His only job is to do what the scientist says when says it and not question anything he is told to do. This is alright with him because it sounds like a job he’s going to enjoy.

The scientist takes him to his lab and shows him around. He points out all of the jars with weird things in them. He points out the animals that he keeps as pets. He also shows him the Do-Over Machine of Doom button. He has him push it.

Hook:
Mad scientist on a normal day

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
The opening sentence introduces the reader to the main character and lets us know he is purposely looking for a job as a mad scientist’s assistant. The reader now wants to know why the scientist is considered mad, and what experiments are going to take place.

Characters Development:
The characters are smoothly developed through speech and movement. It’s done through spoofs on all of the old mad scientist movies as far back as the 1930s and 1940s.

Dialogue:
When a phrase is used such as “walk this way” we know what is going to happen. The dialogue is campy and mostly predictable, but cute.

Punctuation and Structure:
I found a few problems with the punctuation and have listed them below in my line-by-line review. The sentence and paragraph structure is well done.


Closing Statement
This piece contains a lot of dry humor. It is humor you are expecting but don’t mind experiencing again. It did make me chuckle in a couple of spots. The ending twist got a nod. It was expected but it ended the piece nicely. Without it the reader would have been wondering where the story ended.

This piece is also a “chicken/egg” story. Which came first the chicken or the egg? Which came first the boy dreaming and inventing the machine or the man inventing the machine and going back to grow up knowing he’s going to invent the machine?

I enjoyed the piece. Thank you for posting.

Starling
-----------------------
...I nodded, resolved to remembering remember better in the future, as Dr. Nobody flicked a light switch. His lab in all it’s (no apostrophe) glimmering and shimmering glory had my jaw dropping in awe.
...You’ll have to taste test all of them, Minion, (no comma) until we
...“And since the pet store refuses to sell me any more, (one word) you will have to take
...The flashing red button was hard to look away from. I felt drawn to it, (no comma) as if it was calling my name.
...immediately faded from it’s (no apostrophe) brilliant red hue to black.
...From the dark depths (need comma) something was rising
...George scampered back into a corner of his glass cage. (You said George reached out and took the chip. Now you have him in the glass cage. How did he reach through the glass?)
...Fluffy from becoming a bad doggie’s hors’doeuvre. (spelling)
...One of my duplicates, standing in the shade of a regal looking (hyphenated) house,
... Or maybe I was the clone, (no comma) since he had arrived
...I looked for the time traveling (hyphenated) bike.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
67
67
Review by Starling
Rated: E | (4.0)
Title: Review: A Dream of the Past by Marvelous Friend

The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. {/center}

Title and Author: A Dream of the Past by Marvelous Friend

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
c:black}Your Words:
Review comments
My Impressions as I read:
Editing Suggestions:

Plot::
Mrs. Jenkins is sitting in a waiting room to get her third treatment of chemotherapy. There are several other people waiting for her. A child starts running around saying she’s lost her cat. A man pretends to eat the cat. The Uncle of the little girl goes to the man and gets him to cough the cat back up then goes and sits down. He tells his niece she can keep playing because he will take care of the cat. The man pretends to pat the cat. The mood in the room is now more relaxed because of the fun which just took place.

Hook:
Patient waiting in doctors office

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
The reader is pulled into the story to find out if Mrs. Jenkins is going to be alright. I think there is also the hope some might find out what actually happens during chemo, the actual procedure.

Characters Development:
It’s more of a situation development than character development. It is a basic study on the types of people who might show up in a doctor’s office. There are older people, a child and an imaginary pet, all prime ingredients for a good family story.

Dialogue:
There are very few words said, but each one of them counts as necessary. We learn about at least two of the characters by the use of just a couple of words.

Punctuation and Structure:
I found only a couple of errors and those I listed in my line-by-line review below. The paragraph structure was good.

Closing Statement
I have never gone to chemo myself, but I had a best friend who did. I can see where what you describe happening with the child would change the mood of the room. When I sat with my friend the mood was almost fake. Most were sitting there with pasted smiles and pretending to not be down or scared.

I hope you, your loved one or your friend are alright. Thank you for posting your story.

Starling
-----------------
...There was a man sitting a couple of seats down
... If these chemicals didn’t kill her, the cancer would.
...So Mr. Thompson obediently, (no comma) started coughing and acting


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
68
68
Review of Headache  
Review by Starling
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Title: Review: Headache by Words Whirling ‘Round

The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. {/center}

Title and Author: Headache by Words Whirling ‘Round

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
c:black}Your Words:
Review comments
My Impressions as I read:
Editing Suggestions:

Plot::
Lauren is headed for a job interview when she gets a migraine headache.

Also a spaceship gets stuck in some type of gooey substance and has to figure out how to get out of it. The only thing they can do is use their engine to move forward.

Hook:
Space ship is stuck

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
Opening sentence is “She never saw it coming.” This pulls the reader further into the story to find out what came and what were the results. Dropping into the second paragraph is a bit confusing, even though we were given some warning with the mention of a sonic boom mentioned in the first paragraph

Characters Development:
We don’t learn much about Lauren. We learn more about the people on the spaceship who are going about their day, solving problems as they come up.

Dialogue:
The dialogue is all on the ship, what the people are doing to solve a program.

Punctuation and Structure:
I found very few problems. All found are listed at the bottom in a line-by-line review. Sentence structure was not a problem. There were no run-on sentences.

Closing Statement
This is an unusual story in some ways. My only problem with the story is even though the ship was so small why haven’t they realized there are large objects around. Normally spaceships are shown as a lot smaller than suns and other planets but yet we would probably see them. Maybe the ship is in what would be considered “in-between space” but it is still questionable they wouldn’t notice the large gray glob of goo.

Thank you for posting.

Starling
-----------------------------
...She never saw it coming. Lauren didn’t duck, never even looked up. By the time the sonic boom caught up with the out-of-control alien craft, (Suggestion: By the time the sonic boom from the out-of-control alien craft, caught up with it was all over.)
...Do a systems check and let me know when you’re ready, (no comma) Chief.”
...She felt disoriented, (no comma) but managed to sit
...One quarter (hyphenated) thrust.”
...the astronomical odds of being hit by a pinhead sized (hyphenated) UFO. Lauren certainly didn’t have a clue


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
69
69
Review by Starling
Rated: E | (4.0)
Title: Review: Application For Refergee Status by Dr Gomez


The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. {/center}


Title and Author: Application For Refergee Status by Dr Gomez

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
c:black}Your Words:
Review comments
My Impressions as I read:
Editing Suggestions:

Plot::
An alien ship comes to Earth seeking refugee status. The onboard AI system offers Earth help to clean up the planet if they are allowed to stay. When Earth states they need to go through a lot of paperwork and interviews before they can stay, the AI systems states that is not acceptable. It tells the commander they are staying and will not proceed to clean the planet so the citizens in the ship can live on Earth.

Hook:
Aliens arrive and offer to help Earth.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
The opening sentences draw the readers into the story. The reader wants to find out what the astronauts are seeing.

Characters Development:
This is a short piece. Not a lot of character development can take place. We do know Earth has been in space for at least 25 years. We know this is the first group of aliens Earth has encountered. We know Earth is still arrogant. We know whatever the aliens need they will take it for their own survival.

Dialogue:
The dialogue is crisp and too the point.

Punctuation and Structure:
I have listed the few points I have found below in a line-by-line review. The structure is well done. There is no long run-on sentences.

Closing Statement


Starling
-----------------------------------
...“What do you make of it, Sir?” said asked First Lieutenant Mike Barbera.
...and his young second in command is was correct, it is was slowing.
...“It's manoeuvring (spelling) sir, looks like
...they are not the chatty types.(comma not period)” Commander Johnston quipped.
...Debate rages raged (keep it in the present tense) between the members of Common International Delegation.
...Then, your citizen's (no apostrophe) will need to be found places amongst our own,
... We have travelled (spelling) far and we have no other options."
...who have almost destroyed it (need comma) and clean it up to its former glory.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
70
70
Review by Starling
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Title: Review: The Growing Threat by Rima - Sci-fi

The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. {/center}

Title and Author: The Growing Threat by Rima

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
c:black}Your Words:
Review comments
My Impressions as I read:
Editing Suggestions:

Plot::
Two members of a military space team land on a planet and discover the hatchery of a supposedly dead race of beings. They are attacked. Before they can get off the planet they need to fix their ship. Once fixed they take off and head back to the mother ship.

Hook:
One group fighting another group for control.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
The reader is pulled into the action right away. Question presented include why are two beings sneaking through the grass to view a nest. Who are the beings in the next?

Characters Development:
Character development is accomplished first through speech and then through the actions of the characters. We learn they have powers. We also learn a little about the beings they are spying on.

Dialogue:
Dialogue can be followed easy. It is fast paced which pulls the reader along through the story.

Punctuation and Structure:
You need to put spaces between the paragraphs. You can do this at the bottom of the page where you enter your “static item”. Under advanced choose paragraph spacing, choose to retain spacing. Make sure in your item you have added the space. Without space, it is extremely hard to read. I have listed any other problems I found in a line-by-line review below.

Closing Statement
I liked the story. You give enough information to get the reader interested in the world you are building. I visualize this as maybe the second chapter in the story. (Why are the beings there? What was the war? What is the history of the people on both sides of the conflict?) It could be the last half of the first chapter also if you give a bit more build up.

You have left yourself plenty of room to run with “the war”. Make sure you keep your world building strong.

Thanks for posting.



Starling
--------------------
...Jordan and I crawled till to the edge of the clearing and peeped over.
... It was about a little more than half a mile in diameter and surrounded by waist high (hyphenated) scrubs.
...There was no moving soul around.(Question: It sounds like you are putting the nurseries in the middle of a large field, and the eggs are bright colored. Why is it so hard to see them from the air?)
...All of them. The whole of them (this sentence is not needed. It is redundant).”
...The ground was hot, glowing like a lump of coal on fire
...My head was whining and my ears ringing
... He was more than seven feet tall, wide at the shoulders (need comma) and tapered down at the waist. His arms were massive and his fingers had claws. On the top of his chisel shaped (hyphenated) face and bald head were two twisted horns.
...A full grown (hyphenated) tree flew across
... It was a more than thirty feet
...“That flying hornhead (two words?, or maybe caps) was going to fry you
...The rejuvenating chamber had drugs that could enhance cell growth up to two fifty (you may mean 250% here, wasn’t sure) per cent. (one word)
...My eyes closed in as I slowly slipped in to (one word) the comfort of slumber.
...I chocked choked as I tried to breathe and the mist blurred my vision.
...I cried trough through the growing mist
...Jordan, knowing that would drain him off of his ninety per cent (one word) of his
...“Then we’ll take them head on (hyphenated),”
...He breathed out heavily. “Yes (need comma) Commander.”
...They came in all shapes and sizes.
...My ears were ringing again and my hands shaking.
... The They holler at the Sormanians nursery
...“I think I found the mutagen.(need comma not period)” I said.
,,,“They are cross breeding. (hyphenated) They...


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
71
71
Review of Peaceful Handover  
Review by Starling
Rated: E | (4.0)
Title: Review: Peaceful Handover by SeektheSnark

The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. {/center}


Title and Author: Peaceful Handover by SeektheSnark

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
c:black}Your Words:
Review comments
My Impressions as I read:
Editing Suggestions:

Plot::
A corporation designs computer programing to improve such things as train schedules, airplane schedules, roadway repairs, and other things. It is quickly discovered the main AI has figured out how to install itself where it is needed without anyone telling it to go online. It has started bypassing systems in every part of life. Humans, being who they are, are taking it for granted the company designing software is getting things out faster than expected. The management of companies is taking it for granted the workers at all levels are doing their jobs. No one is watching the AI.

Hook:
The first paragraph has all the top management at a company shuffling into a meeting with no one making eye contact. Nice hook.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
The first paragraph pulls the reader into the story because it poses questions about why management is not happy with the news which will come to light at the meeting.

Characters Development:
There are several important characters. David head of it all, in my opinion, is a little too laid back at what is happening. Granted he can’t do anything about it, but there is no real angst. Although I like him, he comes across in the end as money-hungry.

Dialogue:
The dialogue is believable for the most part. I think there should be a bit more angst in the conversations about what is happening.

Punctuation and Structure:
I found a few simple problems. There were no run-on sentences. I have listed the errors in a line-by-line review below.

Closing Statement
This story is listed as sci-fi and technically it is, but it has many shades of modern-day life. With the expertise in today’s society all it would do was take on think tank kid to push the right set of buttons and this story could be telling about true life. People wouldn’t even know the difference.

I enjoyed this. It is a complete short story. Now you could open it up and tell about some of the things that happen and about how society eventually notices and what they do. Would you be starting a minimalist society?

Thanks for posting.

Starling
-----------------------------
...“All of it. There is a whole host of technical reasons it shouldn't be able to do that, but all signs point that isit has somehow adapted to migrate over there as well."
...You would have to shut down the trains (remove “s’) company and highways (remove the “s”) agency to completely purge their system,


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
72
72
Review by Starling
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Title: Review: You Were Only A Human by PureSciFi - Sci-Fi

The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. {/center}

Title and Author: You Were Only A Human by PureSciFi

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
c:black}Your Words:
Review comments
My Impressions as I read:
Editing Suggestions:

Plot::
Humans are in charge of collecting a valuable mineral on another planet. Shya wants to be treated like a citizen and not as part of the slave labor. The aliens think the humans are stealing in the mineral. They send Shya out with a ship loaded with it to let her prove it is not the humans. She is stopped by another ship and finds out the truth.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
The story starts out with two humans fighting. This pulls the reader a little more into the story until they get to the part where explanations are given on why the humans are unhappy. The way it is set up, each piece of information pulls you a bit further so you keep reading.

Characters Development:
We have one main character. By her actions, it is not hard to see she is in charge. She doesn’t mind being in charge. There are several other characters that will get stronger as the story progresses past the point where it is now. This could be the first or second chapter in a longer story.

Dialogue:
The dialogue is believable. I think some stronger words could be used to show emotions in the dialogue, but it is good.

Punctuation and Structure:
Punctuation errors are minimal. The sentence structure is good and not confusing. I have shown some suggestions also in my line-by-line review below.

Closing Statement
I found this story interesting. It is a good start to a possible longer story. As I wrote above I see this as either the first or second chapter. Each of the separate divisions you have noted could be possible chapters also. You had a nice twist at the end. Well done.

Thank you for posting.

Starling
---------------------
... And Viloni takes it away from me because she he (you have stated about the two fighters above are males) doesn’t want to do it herself himself.”
...“What do you want us to do about them? (caps needed) the humans are your responsibility.
...The faceless (?) head with the long hair of Bounc turned toward Dancun
...But she can’t hear them. (caps needed) all she can hear is their mumbling.
...Shya glanced at the large monitors on both sides of a huge one that is showing nothing of showed nothing but Space on it. (need caps) the two large ones are showing the Colvian scattered all around those very big-looking rooms.
...Suddenly, the darkness on the main monitor in front of Shya becomes became (present tense) a large spaceship similar to the one that she was on.
...She tapped a button on the arm of her Seater there.
...“That isn’t true.” Came the voice of a male that echoed (need a “t”) hroughout that room. The voice of a male echoed throughout the room.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
73
73
Review by Starling
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Title: Review: Based On An Untrue Story by Beholden - Sci-fi

The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. {/center}

Title and Author: Based On An Untrue Story by Beholden

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
c:black}Your Words:
Review comments
My Impressions as I read:
Editing Suggestions:

Plot::
An alien race visits a planet. It takes them centuries to be able to travel in space fast enough to travel interstellar. The first few expeditions do not find any other life. Soon they discover a blue planet where they make contact with the citizen. They help them design large structures. Without any word of goodby, they leave the small planet and return home. The home planet thinks the travelers were crazy for not trying to help the small blue planet, gain knowledge and live better lives.

Hook:
The first sentence talks about giving up on the “thing”. The readers are now drawn to keep reading to find out what the “thing” is. Nice hook.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
Where the opening sentence pulls the reader in to read more, the opening paragraph tells what has been discovered. The reader now wants to know what the alien race did with the new knowledge.

Characters Development:
We know from the beginning it is someone reminiscing about something which has happened in their past or in their planet’s past. We are not told what planet the main character comes from. There are hints the person may be someone important on their planet.

Dialogue:
The dialogue is all internal since it is a story being told by one person to at least one more person.

Punctuation and Structure:
Punctuation problems were minimal and will be listed below in a line-by-line review. The story structure was good and logically put together.

Closing Statement
Interesting story on events the people of Earth have wondered about. It also gives a logical reason why we know very little about how some earth structures came about considering the abilities of the people at the time they were established.

I enjoyed reading how you turned the events into a possibility. It was sort of aliens coming to earth, doing something silly to waste time and then leaving having a good laugh. I picture some grownups going to the beach to party, building some sandcastles, and then going home to continue to party, laughing about the good time they had.

Thanks for posting.

Starling
------------------
...Many, in fact (need comma) most,
...bending and manipulation of the space time (hyphenated) continuum
...it took that long to unravel space time (hyphenated) before we learned the momentous news
...learned the unearthly language (need comma) and proceeded to teach the poor blighters how to build enormous structures out of stone. Huge buildings of incredibly weighty and carefully-shaped (not hyphenated) rock were constructed, enormous creations that served no useful purpose
...Leave me now. I think I may scream.. (remove period)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
74
74
Review of The Broken Planet  
Review by Starling
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Title: Review: The Broken Planet by Kate Connors - Sci-fi

The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. {/center}

Title and Author: The Broken Planet by Kate Connors

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
c:black}Your Words:
Review comments
My Impressions as I read:
Editing Suggestions:

Plot::
A spaceship crashes in the water just offshore. The co-pilot is dead but the pilot is taken in by the inhabitants. He is called a god. He remembers his name but nothing is stated on if he remembers what happened prior to landing in the water. It is hinted at through the story’s progression he has lost most of his memory. After a length of time, he excepts his position although he can’t understand why these people think of him as a god.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
The opening paragraph draws the reader into the story. The reader is left to wonder, why the ship crashed and who the pilot is. Also, where was he originally going?

Characters Development:
The characters are fleshed out as they can be in this short chapter. We have a good idea of what the aliens look like and what their world looks like.

Dialogue:
The dialogue is smooth. We can easily tell who is talking by the words they use. All the dialogue is logical

Punctuation and Structure:
The author has done an excellent job in checking for punctuation problems. The sentence structure is equally well thought out. I have given an abbreviated line-by-line review below.

Closing Statement
I enjoyed reading the story. You have asked for help in fleshing this story out. At the moment you have the beginning of a short story. You have a beginning (Enzel crashes). You have a middle, (explaining over a period of time how he accepts what the people are saying about him. You don’t have an end, like a happy ever after.

Fleshing out what you have could include more detail about the characters you have introduced (background, looks ect.). You can also give some more detail on who Enzel is. We know a little about him, but we have no clue where he was or where he was headed before he crashed. He has also accepted his role too fast after a very minimal amount of wonder in the beginning.

The possibility exists this isn’t the first chapter in a longer version. Enzel would have a reason to be traveling. By the last part, you have already stated he could have been on patrol and had equipment failure. He could be coming for the first time and was being watched for by those already there.

Each area you have marked off can be a chapter in a longer story. You want to answer as many of the normal questions as possible. How, When, Where, Why, is everything happening. At a minimum, I can see this story progressing to the Novella stage of writing (anywhere from 10,000 to 40,000 words) There is also the Novellete stage (between 7,500 and 17,000 words).

Take your time. It can sometimes take an author, even those well established, to take a long time to get a story moving. I personally have several which I add to every so often when my Muse nudges me. Usually, he does it just as I’m going to sleep.

I hope I have helped a little bit. I would be willing to read more or answer questions you may have. I might not personally have the answer, but I can help you find someone who will know. WDC has several reviewing services that are willing to help. Keep checking into the contests also.

Thank you for posting.

Starling
--------------------
...now that the contest is over, i’d (caps on I) like some suggestions
...Hearts in his stomach, he unbuckles their restraints, (no comma) puts on their life jackets, and then he’s alone they’re on a raft at the mercy of an alien sea, his companion’s life bleeding into his hands.
...Everything is white when they open, (no comma) like Shaltet}
...A few minutes pass and whatever it is (need comma) sprouts a sail.
...“‘One with eyes and skin the color of the sky shall fall from her arms, a glorious and benevolent sovereign,’” (remove single quote mark) says the first one to stand,
...settle on either side of his face (need comma) and he’s forced to listen to the voices.
...“Minister, look at me.” She lifts her head, (no comma) but doesn’t stand.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
75
75
Review by Starling
Rated: E | (4.0)
Title: Review: Perspective (Redux) by Chris24 - Sci-fi

The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. {/center}

Title and Author: Perspective (Redux) by Chris24

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
c:black}Your Words:
Review comments
My Impressions as I read:
Editing Suggestions:

Plot::
An intergalactic criminal is tried by the human race. There are several charges he has reasonable (although insane) answers to. Will he be found guilty? The reader may never know.

Hook:
The first sentence is the hook. It pulls the reader into the story with questions on what are the charges and why are there charges in the first place. There is a twist in the end which makes you question if the trial even exists. It is left up to the reader to figure it out.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
Very short opening sentence is the hook.

Characters Development:
The character development is done through mostly dialogue. There is some description of the main character who is on trial, but not of those who are running the trial.

Dialogue:
The dialogue is from the main character who has to explain to the judge why he did the things he did. All his answers are perfectly logical.

Punctuation and Structure:
I found very few errors in the punctuation. The story is easy to follow and is in chronological order.

Closing Statement
At first I thought this was just going to be another space alien bad guy trial. You have been able to pull several psychological questions into it. I love when this is done. You come up with sound arguments on why the main character did what they did and truly believes he has done the only thing he could do to be a true beneficiary to the different races of several planets.

The twist at the end is sort of a head spinner. Were we reading about something that was “really” taking place or were we looking over the shoulder of a young boy daydreaming about possibilities? I’m thinking the possibility exists the child is either going to be a psychotic killer or a brilliant psychologist.

Thank you for posting.

Starling
-------------------
...Whispers from the shadows, (no comma) and the next charge was read, ...
...Those Korlans where were about to open a dimensional breach...
... I took action, graciously commanding my drones to acquire their gateway (need comma) and incorporated it into my world crushing (hyphenated) engine.
... Stupid name, (no comma) if you ask me.”


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
192 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 8 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/pager/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3