There is no really easy answer to this question. Everything we do, even if it is at home and no one else is there has an affect on the world around us and thus the people who thrive in it.
You made some very valid points. Without getting into my beliefs here, I agree it is a very gray area when it comes to who do you protect the mother or the child.
That being said, I enjoyed reading your submission.
Plot:
A young girl gets a new step-father; her mother dies by accident and the girl eventually is made to take the mothers place in all things.
Scene/Setting:
Lisa thinks about what she has to do every day. To her it is all very normal and there is no one around to tell her it is not. She cooks, cleans and takes part as a star in films her father makes in his own private studio.
Suggestions:
Interesting way of showing how things other people see and would consider abnormal can be considered normal by the way the person is and has lived. It was also very interesting how you let the reader form pictures that would, if written have made this piece 18+ or higher. It's sort of like some movies now days when they do the ratings. Thanks for posting.
Title and Author: Large Cup of Tea For Fish by espero:
Plot:
A first hand accounting of what happened at the Boston Tea Party.
Scene/Setting:
A young reporter walks into a meeting hall and discovers a meeting about the British taxation of tea. He watches as "Indians" walk by the room and then follows the crowd to the warf, where all of the tea from three ships is dumped into the sea. He follows a young man to a place where i is quiet and learns how the "Indians" were not real but protestors against the tax.
Suggestions:
This was very well written. I enjoyed how you made it more personal by having telling from a young reporters point of view. Thank you also for posting the threads you used to get your information and make the story more real. Thanks for posting.
Plot:
A steampunk tinker helps her employer win the big race
Scene/Setting:
A tinker helps her boss fix the engine to his airship's steam engine so he can try and win a race. He decides he is too scared to fly because of a previous accident, so she tricks him by giving him a sprocket out of her pocket, pretending it is a good luck charm.
Characters:
Sprocket
Mr. Alexander
Thoughts:
I am new to the steampunk genre but I find it fascinating. I have several authors I read on WDC who write it. Your piece is very well written. I love the fact you have Sprocket pretending the sprocket she takes out of her pocket is a good-luck piece. It was a nice turn to the story.
Title and Author: Sleeping Partner by Corrine Shroud-Published!:
Plot:
Husband puts the last long on the fire and then wife goes to bed, knowing she will be sleeping alone again.
Scene/Setting:
Wife wakes up feeling warm and finds a very large being in bed with her. Her husband sits cowered off in a corner. When she asks her husband for help the beast wakes.
Characters:
Wife
Husband
Large being which I think is a bear.
Thoughts:
This was a very interesting piece. I had no problem following what was happening in the story. I am taking it for granted the being who is snuggling with the wife is a bear, but I could be wrong here. You have most of the elements of the story. You have a definite beginning; you have action and a conflict. The only problem I see is you have no definite ending, which I think is required by Flash Fiction (if you are using the contest on WDC). This might just be me though, not seeing the ending. The story showed a lot of imagination.
A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW
Sponsored by the NEW Novel Workshop The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.
Greetings {huser: jeff is Kylo Ren }
I am reviewing {item: 2095466} today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." . THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH ## ! Title and Author:
In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
Your Words: Bold Black{}
My Impressions as I read: Bold Green
Editing Suggestions:Bold Red
Plot:: A woman who loves to surf operates a detective agency. She is straight forward and very honest.
Hook: Beginning hook has us wondering who is surfacing so early in the morning. We want to find out about the person
Characters Development:
Kenna Kitada - surfer and private dective
Other surfers
Mrs. Ingersoll - client
Dialogue: There was not much dialogue but I definitely knew who was talking at any given time.
Punctuation and Structure:
... be a total douchebag. (two words) We were ...
“That may be true,” Kenna said, “But (word is not capped unless you put a period after ... said) it’s no excuse to drop in on someone’s wave.”
... how many different styles and sizes of house (add an "s") could exist side by side ...
... back in the 1960s (need an apostrophy) when ...
Dressed in jeans and a henley,(need capitalization on name) she completed...
Kenna locks locked up and heads headed (you need to stay in present tense with these two words) to the gray Ford Explorer.
Closing Statement You did a good job at telling us what type of person Kenna is... I found I really like her. You also did a good job introducing her. The one problem I have with the chapter though is you are trying to give all the information about her at the same time. The whole chapter feels like just an introduction. Maybe you could have her unwinding from a stressful job she just finished or something along that line. There needs to be more of a punch to the first chapter, I personally think. Thank you for submitting.
A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW
Sponsored by the NEW Novel Workshop The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.
In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
Your Words: Bold Black{}
My Impressions as I read: Bold Green
Editing Suggestions:Bold Red
Plot:: We are introduced to three sisters. A man pulls up in a Lincoln town car and talks to Tracy and Sheila who are playing in the rain. He gives Sheila a present and tells her not to open it until after dark, then drives away. They go inside and when Tracy tries to take the present from Sheila it gives her an electric shock.
Hook: Nice hook in the opening paragraph. The reader is now wondering who the man is and why he is heading to Middleboro.
Characters Development:
Amanda
Tracy
Sheila
Strange man
Mrs. Wade
Dialogue: I had no difficulty tell who was talking, just by the words the different people used. Excellent job.
Punctuation and Structure:
... little bit startled when she sudddenly (spelling error) started to recite ...
... that your judgement (spelling error) about ...
... that your judgement (spelling error) about ...
Closing Statement I enjoyed reading the story. You have a nice twist going with both good and evil being within the same family. Thank you for posting.
A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW
Sponsored by the NEW Novel Workshop The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.
In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
Your Words: Bold Black{}
My Impressions as I read: Bold Green
Editing Suggestions:Bold Red
Plot:: Sam Rabbit used to be only a deputy, but now he was Sheriff. He took his job very seriously. When he was out checking on the animals of the forest, he was asked by Kat the Ryming Rat to help her find her rymes which had left her. While he was helping her look the was told a small baby mouse had fallen into a ravine. He rescued the mouse and then continued on helping Kat.
Hook: Your hook is making it so everyone wants to know about Sam Rabbit. Very well done.
Opening Sentence and Paragraph: First paragraph introduces the main character. Nicely done.
Characters Development:
Sheriff Sam Rabbit
Mayor Squirrel
Jimmy the Shrew
Ollie, the possum
Kat the Rhyming Rat
Sebastian the Wood Mouse
Cara the Raccoon
Dialogue: The dialogue matches the tone of the book, simple and direct. It was easy to know who was talking.
Punctuation and Structure:
The fact was, he was sheriff (cap) and he took his job very seriously.
Each night he’d polish his star and iron (add ..ed) his vest. Each morning he’d don (add ..ned) his vest and pin that shining star to it.
Closing Statement I enjoyed this first chapter. At first I thought it might be the whole story, but you reminded the reader at the end of the chapter, that there was still more to come. I'm picturing your audiance as say eight years old to very early teens possibly. It is a real cute story. Your personification of the different animals is very well done. I especially liked the idea that Cara had been in some type of special forces so she knew to throw the vine down.
You did a great job with the three prompts I gave you. I love the new world you have created. There are so many possibilities ahead of Samuel Kane. Congratulations!
Title of Work: : I Am You (short Story, Science Fiction) Author of Work: : Beetle Date: : July 31, 2016
Plot:
Everyone on a space ship dies because of a computer's becomes self aware and realizes mankind i totally flawed.
Scene/Setting:
It is decided by a self-aware computer that the colonists aboard the generation ship, Ark, are a flawed experiment by earth, a last ditched effort, to go out into the galaxy and populate it and save the human race. The computer starts to think of itself as a god among the humans. It is their protector. It is the one who has nurtured them. The computer thinks that because of the biological make up of man, it will never learn and will spread slow destruction where ever it goes. It has decided to end the experiment. It is trying to explain to another race of beings, about why it will accept being turned off. It has done its part in protecting the galaxy from the human race, who will now die out on its own small planet.
Characters:
Self-aware computer
Another race of beings
Suggestions:
This is an interesting story. It is reminiscing of several science fictions stories, such as Space Odyase 2000 and even an older Star Trek episode. You have been able to show the reasons why the self aware computer caused the deaths of the people on the generation ship, the Ark, making it sound plausible.
Character Count: 1,198 (tags = 173 Characters above this point)
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Title of Work: : Flats and Flaws (short story, Gay/Lesbian) Author of Work: : Beetle Date: : July 31, 2016
Plot:
"While on a road-trip, a couple comes across more than one kind of bump in their road."
Scene/Setting:
Shawn and his boyfriend are taking a road trip. They have just left Touson, where they had stopped to eat. There was a bigoted waitress and manager there. It is never made completely clear if they got their lunch.
When they reach a rather deserted stretch of road they have a flat tire. They discuss the reasons why they are now stuck out in the middle of a hot dusty nowhere, each thinking about blaming the other for the catastrophe. After their disagreement on who to blame, they figure they are not going to get help from anywhere else, but they are going to have to change the flat tire themselves. They started to pull their luggage, souvenirs and other things out of the trunk of the car. There isn't much because before the road trip they had made sure the truck would hold all of their things. Shawn is very surprised his boyfriend knows how to change a flat tire. The only possible problem is Shawn cleaned out the trunk and didn't think to put the jack back in. They were going to be stuck until someone came by.
Characters:
Shawn
Shawn's boyfriend
Suggestions:
This is a cute story. I can picture these two guys standing beside a very long vacant stretch of road. Most people take it for granted that if you are a guy, you know how to change a tire. It would be like if you were a girl, you should know how to cook. You did a very good joy of showing this myth.
Character Count: 1,390 (tags = 173 Characters above this point)
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Title of Work: : 4: A Gift From the Grand Vizier (Serial, Steampunk) Author of Work: : Vincent Coffin Date: : July 31, 2016
Plot:
Letter from His Highness, Grand Vizier of NOble Canals, Salah ibn Falahli to Elias F. Gloriosky, Ph.D.
Scene/Setting:
Elias F. Gloriosky, Ph.D. receives a letter from Highness, Grand Vizier of NOble Canals, Salah ibn Falahli telling about a present he is sending. The present is a Clockwork Cat. The key is being sent by separate post because apparently strange things can happen if they are sent together. Grand Vizier, received both at the same time and now has a wife, who loves him dearly, with blue hair. The Clockwork Cat's name is Constantine. A post script is added stating Gloriosky can carry the key, or the key and the cat, but to never ever carry the cat without the key. Apparently this causes things to happen which the Grand Vizier would not like to remember or talk about.
The Grand Vizier, cannot bring the gift personally because he suffers from eating rich foods, which I am going to guess is the Gout. He does hop Gloriosky can visit with him soon.
Characters:
Elias F. Gloriosky, Ph.D.
Highness, Grand Vizier of NOble Canals, Salah ibn Falahli
Constantine - clockwork cat
Suggestions:
I love the idea of the Clockwork Cat. Since I have read the thirty-fourth installment I it is not hard to realize some of the catastrophes which could occur if the Grand Viziers advice is not heeded. I am having a lot of fun reading this series.
Character Count: 1,318 (tags = 173 Characters above this point)
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Title of Work: : Gryphonis Rex, The 1st Gryphon (Short Story, Fantasy) Author of Work: : Onyx: a Purple Maniac Date: : July 31, 2016
Plot:
The first installment of the life of Gryphos, the first one exist.
Scene/Setting:
First we are in the laboratory tower of Kelzen, a great wizard and the one who brought Grypho's into the world, as the only one. He has been asked by the ruler of the area to make more so that they can help to protect the world. Gryphos I would say is at the stage of an young adult when the story starts. He is starting to state how he feels and what he thinks the world should be like. He tells his "father" that he will not be treated as a slave. He will be his own being. His "father" loves him and is proud of the being he has become. Gryphos can see great distances. He sees poachers off in the distance, going after the unicorn heard. He tells his "father" he will go and protect them. He takes off with a might roar and quickly flys away.
Zyphrern, the great Unicorn stallion, is trying desperately to lead his group away from the poachers, humans who have decided the Nyldraan Forest, is not as scarry a place as they originally thought it to be. Maeryn, a Faerie enchantress who made the unicorns is not around. Zyphrern, wishes she was, because then he would not have to lead the herd away so quickly. He is able to keep the herd ahead of the poachers, but now cannot figure out where to take them.
Characters:
Kelzen - wizard and father to the dragon Gryphos
Gryphonis Rex - first of his kind
Maeryn - Faerie enchantress of unicorns
Zyphrern - the great unicorn stallion
Draara - Zyphrern's daughter
Suggestions:
I like the set up of this story. You have opened up a great many possibilities on where you can take it. I look forward to reading more.
Character Count: 1,546 (tags = 173 Characters above this point)
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Title of Work: : Samantha (Short Story, Nonsense) Author of Work: : Tammy Date: : July 31, 2016
Plot:
The life and times of a mosquito named Samantha.
Scene/Setting:
We are introduced to a mosquito named Samantha. The author is not sure why the misquito's name is Samantha, it just is. The author is not even sure why she is telling the story in English since it is not her home language. It seems Samantha, visits the author every morning just before the sun comes up and decides to see if she can fill her belly. Oh, by the way the author is not sure if Samantha is female. The author thinks the misquito, might be transgender.
The author tries to convince the mosquito to go away, but to no avail. Apparently the misquito likes to sing which sounds like, "Peeeeeeee - peeee - pee" to the human ear. The author even ends up in the hospital over night with a fractured wrist, because of trying to convince Samantha to go away. She told the mosquito about television shows where she could try out and maybe make a name for herself.
When the author came home from the hospital, Samanta had left, but her sister was now there. After having a good meal, the author found a note telling her to watch Samantha on a television talent show. She did and found Samantha wowing the Judges with a fine rendition of "Peeeeeeee - peeee - pee"
Title of Work: : 3: A Charming Establishment (Steampunk) Author of Work: : Vincent Coffin Date: : July 28th, 2016
Plot:
Advertisement for The Clockwork Teapot, Piccadilly Circus, London, 1896
Scene/Setting:
Since Miss Emily Puryear has been able to secure "... the permanent rights for proprietorship of our new location in Piccadilly Circus at Subjective 3 May 1896 through 5 Jan 1897", of The Clockwork Teapot, an advertisement has gone out to let all of her loyal customers to let them know a permanent sliptube has been set up for everyone's convince. All the specialty merchandise has been moved to the new location and time period. There is a warning in the advertisement that clockwork beetles can still be used, but do not guarantee the purchase in a timely manner. It is recommended to use the sliptube. Because of a happening in 1891 The Clockwork Teapot will no longer carry items from the catalogs of Cooger & Dark, Ltd. A warning is also given that the 1911 graduating class of Miskatonic University of Arkham, Massachusetts, USA will not be able to take advantage of the discount being offered to university faculty, staff and alumni, because of the "incident"
Characters:
The Clockwork Teapot Shop
Suggestions:
Opps... there are two "c" in Piccadilly. Correct spelling: journeys (unless you were trying for some colloquialism here). Excellent advertisement. Does this type of writing just come to you or do you have to think what to write next for this series. I know I get stories in my head and I have trouble sleeping until I can write them down. I know that is strange, but it is what happens.
Character Count: 1,436 (tags = 173 Characters above this point)
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Title of Work: : Is Abstinence the best policy? (Short Story, Other) Author of Work: : Joey says - Loves Always Better Date: : July 27, 2016
Plot:
Newlyweds try and find something to do together.
Scene/Setting:
Newlyweds Susie and Jake are having trouble being together. Jake has started working fifty hours a week and Susie is working also. Jake's only day off is Sunday and he tends to spend most of that day watching football with his friends. Susie's mother tells her she needs to find something that they can do together. Going to church is suggested. That next Sunday the two are sitting in a pew in the church. At the end of the service, the minister asks if anyone would be interested in helping out with the youth group. Susie raises her hand volenteering the both of them. When they meet the minister after the service he says they must pass a test of abstinence for thirty days. This is so they can really relate with what they are telling the kids. Both Susie and Jake agree.
Each week they go back to church and are able to tell the minister they have been successful for the week. When the fourth and final week comes, they tell the minister they were not able to complete the test, as off the day before. It seems Jake got too excited when they were out shopping and saw Susie bend over to get some meet out of the store cooler. The old air accentuated her breast. One thing led to another and the test was blown. The minister said they couldn't take part as youth group councilors and they said it was alright because Albertson's wouldn't allow them back in the store either.
Characters:
Susie - Young wife
Young woman's mother
Jake - Young Husband
Minister
Suggestions:
This was just plain cute. I love your comment about southern Baptist sermons going on a long time. I been to one of those churches and you understated the problem.
Character Count: (tags = 173 Characters above this point)
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Title of Work: : Never Underestimate Two Women (Fiction, Contest Entry) Author of Work: : Cheri Annemos - House Florent Date: : July 27, 2016
Plot:
Two women find out they are dating the same man in 1911
Scene/Setting:
The year is 1911. Two women, Amanda and Emily are taking a bath in a local bathhouse. They start off with pleasantries about everyday things. Soon the talk turns to the man in their life. They discover they are both the play toy of the same man, on Mr. James Bechanan. The women have never met before, but when their baths are done they meet on the other side of their respective screens and hatch a plan to get back at Mr. James Bechanan, a cad and a liar.
They leave separately. Within a few days they put their plan into action. Amanda leads Mr. Bechanan out onto a patio below a window in a home. Emily is sitting at the window, watching what is happening. The plan is to drug Mr. Bechanan, and leave him in the cold winter air.
A few days later they are back at the bathhouse. They look out the window at the spot where Mr. James Bechanan, breathed his last breath. Each woman again proceeds to take a bath, knowing this will be the last time they talk or see each other.
Characters:
Amanda - Lady one
Emily -Lady two
Mr. James Bechanan
Suggestions:
This is a nice period piece. I love the idea of using the bathhouse as a starting point of the piece. One question. If the man was drugged and taken outside, was it the drugs which killed him. I don't think he would have parished from the cold unless you explain more about him not having his topcoat, hat or scarf on, which would have been normal for the winter setting. I enjoyed reading the story.
Character Count: 1,458 (tags = 173 Characters above this point)
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Title of Work: : 2. Letter, from the AetherPostiale (Letter/Memo, Fantasy) Author of Work: : Vincent Coffin Date: : July 27
Plot:
Time travels of Dr. Elias F. Gloriosky, Phd.
Scene/Setting:
This part of the grand story is a letter from Dr. Elias F. Gloriosky, Ph.D. to a Captain Spaulding. it tells of a request my the doctor to have Captain Spaulding visit him at a certain time. We are told Dr. Gloriosky will be Deadwood, south Dakota on Sept 20 1877 at 2:30 am. He is having a problem making arrangements for an investment opportunity he wants to take advantage of in Havana, Cuba on March 10th, in 1877. He would like Captain Spaulding's advice on some logistical plans he needs to make.
He is also asking the Captain to possible stop by his office, using the date of July 3rd, 1877 and pick up a clockwork cat which sits on his mantel, if he can. He makes sure to tell the Captain to get there before 1:20 in the afternoon, because apparently there is a fire at that time.
Characters:
Dr. Elias F. Gloriosky, Ph.D
Captain Spaulding
Suggestions:
I am finding this series very interesting and I am glad I started reading it. I adore the way you have set up the time travel abilities. It is not hard to keep track of what you are saying and requiring the characters to do. Again, I do plan on reading more as I am able. Your series reminds me of Robert A. Heinlein's anthology called The Past Through Tomorrow, which is one of my favorite science fiction books.
Character Count: (tags = 173 Characters above this point)
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Title of Work: : 1: The Files of Elias F. Gloriosky, Ph.D (Serial Steampunk) Author of Work: : Vincent Coffin Date: : July 25
Plot:
Introduction to the files found by the author after having them bequeathed by a relative
Scene/Setting:
Vincent is telling the readers a story. He is trying to explain about a box and it's contents.
Vincent has just received a very old iron box. Two keys came with the box. The first keep could be used to in the lock on the outside of the box. Vincent turned it several times, and to him it felt like he was winding something up, like an old toy. The second key fit in the lock that was revealed when the lid opened.
Inside the box were papers in a nice neat stack, a key ring with many keys on it and a letter. The letter turned out to be from Vincent's grandfather. The letter stated some rules for using the papers in the box, and gave a very big hint that time travel would be involved.
Characters:
Vincent
Suggestions:
I have taken your advice and have started to read the serial. Until August though I will not have much time to do this, but I will get to it. You are an excellent writer and from what I can tell, by just the two parts I have read there are not going to be many errors which I would normally point out when doing a lengthy review. This said, my reviews may get very short.
One suggestion which comes to mind.... Have you thought about call the whole thing an anthology? Or maybe you could have John Owen Coffin, Sr. possibly telling his grandson stories. You could have short scenes in-between each as if they went fishing, were sitting around a camp fire, or some other everyday life experience happening. You could even have him in a rest home or something. Just a thought.....
And yes, I did catch the piece about how, Vincent's grandfather was writing a letter, but Vincent would not have been born yet for the grandfather to know his name. That simple part is brillient, for setting the stage. Congratulations!
Character Count: (tags = 173 Characters above this point)
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Title of Work: : The Paradigm of Paradox Author of Work: : Vincent Coffin Date: : July 24
Plot:
A mystery thriller of about paradox's
Scene/Setting:
On board a airship. A man and a woman enter a cabin and unpack. There is a file box in the middle of the room, which holds the information they will need for their adventure. A Clockworks Cat sits on the box. After being wound the cat walks away and disappears. It reappears sometime later with the grandfather in tow. The grandfather give them instructions that if they see him anytime in the future, in any different clothes then the ones he has on at that time, they are to tell him nothing of what they are doing, where they have been, or what the think they are about to do.
The grandfather and the cat disappear. Shortly after that the grandfather knocks on their door. He is wearing different clothes than he had been a few minutes ago. He seems to recognize Emiliy but not the Author of the piece.
Suggestions:
I can tell right away this is going to be an interesting story. I never have understood how paradox's work. You have all the elements needed to start a mystery. You have set the scene very nicely. It makes me want to find out what happens next. Have you continued the story? Please let me know.
Character Count: 1,183 (tags = 173 Characters above this point)
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Title of Work: : The Night I Ate My Words (fiction, comedy) Author of Work: :capt. hoosie starship bovine Date: : July 23
Plot:
A bull gets closed into the local library building, all by itself.
Scene/Setting:
A writing bull, goes to the local libray in the country with his human. He gets the special animal computer right away, while his human has to wait her turn. The bull gets caught up in the story he is typing and loses all track of time. He doesn't realize when the ten minuet closing warning is given. He doesn't even realize when the lights are turned off he didn't realize he was alone in the library. His stomach(s) started to rumble and he finally realized he was alone and he was hungry. It was time for his evening hay and cider (?) He emailed his friend Bovine Bessie and she said he should print out his story. He didn't see how that was going to get him something to eat, until he followed her directions and realized the paper tasted good.
Characters:
Starship Bovine
Bovine Bessie
Suggestions:
Oh, this is just too funny. I like the way you tell a story. I think it would be tummy's. Cows have four stomachs. I know I'm being a tiny bit picky here, but wouldn't the bulls human make sure the bull followed her out the door. I would think it would be hard for him to be missed. Also I can't see the libraian leaving him in there. Maybe as far as the "human" is concerned you could mentioned she left early, and told him she would see him at home. Just saying.....
Character Count: (tags = 173 Characters above this point)
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Title of Work: : Sadie's Revenge (Short Story, Children's) Author of Work: : Shelley A-7 years at WDC Date: : July 23
Plot:
Sadie is training to be a witch, but she doesn't want to be a witch.
Scene/Setting:
Sadie is eleven years old and she shudders. This is not a good thing for a witch in training. She can't even make it through the simplest of spells without shuddering. Her two sisters spend their time laughing and making fun of her. They can't understand why she prefers dogs instead of cats. They can't understand why she would rather read than going out on Halloween and having some fun. Sadie knows she is a changeling. She hates being a witch.
One day just prior to Halloween, she says a silent spell, which keeps her from shuddering and asks that when her sisters start to say a spell on Halloween Day, then all anyone will hear is barking like dogs. Sadie forgets she thought the spell and is just as surprised as everyone else when her sisters start barking and howling, every time they try and say anything witchy.
Her mother looks at her. Sadie hopes it wears off when Halloween is over, but she is not sure.
Suggestions:
This story was really cute. I liked the way you worked the idea in that Sadie could mentally cast spells without having to say them out loud. You have shown a very large difference in the powers Sadie and her sisters have. If I project into the future, I can see Sadie much more powerful than her sisters.
Character Count: 1,348 (tags = 173 Characters above this point)
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Title of Work: : Beautiful Voice (Short Story, Romance/Love) Author of Work: : WakeUpAndLive-w8 Date: : July 22
Plot:
Prompt given for story: You have received a bill in the mail and it was incorrect. There was a phone number to call so you give it a ring. The person who answers has a beautiful voice. After several minutes the issue is resolved, but you can't help wondering who this person is with such a beautiful voice so you take a leap and ask the person out. Surprisingly, the person says yes. What happens next?
Scene/Setting:
A woman of fifty five years of age invites the operator on a call she made out on a date. The man on the other end of the phone agrees. They exchange cell phone numbers and agree to meet the next day at 11:00 at a small coffee shop. The woman has a very restless night, wondering first what made her do what she did. She also starts to get nervous about what the man will think of her.
The next morning she tidies up her one bedroom apartment, goes to the store and buys flowers and even steaks and everything else she needs for a cozy dinner for two. She goes to the coffee shop and waits. At 11:15 she starts to think about leaving, when she hears the door to the shop open. A man in the lyrical voice she heard on the phone, asks her if he can buy her a cup of coffee. He is about twenty-five years old and in a wheelchair. She takes him home and has a wonderful time.
Characters:
Woman
Man
Suggestions:
I loved this little story. It's nice to know at least one other person that doesn't have a problem with age differences. I am presently working on a Short Story/Novella (maybe more) about a sixty-five year old woman and a forty-year old man. I also enjoyed the twist of the wheelchair. You have many great elements pulled into the story.
Character Count: 1,543 (tags = 173 Characters above this point)
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Title of Work: : Struggles (Short Story, Inspirational) Author of Work: : Drifter Date: : July 21
Plot:
A man leaves for seminary school and then thinks about going home many years later.
Scene/Setting:
Drifter talks about leaving home to attend seminary school. He marries, has children and grandchildren. He gets divorced and remarries. He travels through the ministry. He wants to go home to where he grew up, but is worried things have changed too much. He questions his present life.
Characters:
Drifter
Mentioned: His ex-wife, his present wife, his mother and father, his brothers, his children and other relatives.
Suggestions:
First, you do not have to have a church, a building or even a limited number of people for a congregation to be a minister. Stop waiting... Through your writing you can minister to others. Through your everyday talks with people you can minister. I know most people do not like to be "preached at" but through your actions and maybe some casual conversations you can mention all parts of religious faith. Just don't push. One of the things I always like about most of the ministers, I have heard and talked to, was the fact they were there to listen. They didn't judge how or who I lived my life with, they just listened. Even if I didn't feel like praying I was confident in the fact they would send some prayers out. They let me know we are all loved by God, no matter what!!! Maybe I'm not making much sense here. I hope I am.
Character Count: 1,303 (tags = 173 Characters above this point)
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Title of Work: : The Wrong Man (Non-fiction, Relationship) Author of Work: : MzSnowleopard Date: : July 19
Plot:
Woman plots to move back in with her parents, away from her husband.
Scene/Setting:
The author is married to a man, Bill, who is selfish to an extreme. He spends money on things when she needs it for just running the household. He doesn't care that there are things his wife needs. He blames two tours in Vietnam for putting him on Social Security. He doesn't see that there is a problem. I would be willing to bet he sees the wife as nagging.
Characters:
Bill
Bryan
Author
Suggestions:
You wrote this as non-fiction. First I am so sorry you had to live through this. I was married to a man for thirty years who was only in Vietnam for one tour. I didn't know him when he went in, but from what I was about to find out when he was alive, he was a different person when he got out. I got him in touch with a Veterans group which specialized in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and it helped. My husband was into drugs, but even with all the problems (and yes he would spend money on what "he" thought was important and I would have to scrounge to pay for the bills and take care of the kids) I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt he loved me.
That war and the ones going on now are doing a real head job on the young men and women who go to protect us. I know it was lethargic to write this piece. I hope you have found happiness, I really do.
Character Count: 1,270 character count (tags = 173 Characters above this point)
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