***The opening sentence is very long. It would read smoother if it were broken up into 2 sentences, rather than one long one.
*** The second sentence in paragraph two could also benefit by being split up into two.

There are some areas where a comma should have been placed. If you google a free online grammar checking program, and enter your story, it will help you find these areas. I wish WDC had a built in program to help all of us in this area.

***In this sentence, "Her eyes dared him to contradict him." It seems that the word 'him' at the end of the sentence, should have been "her" instead.
***Here, the first letter of the sentence needs to be capitalized. "he didn't look to see if the woman was finished or not."
***Here, the Frist letter also needs to be capitalized. "at least tell us a little about her."
***Here, the first quotation mark is not correct. 'Do tell."

***There were quite a few places that I thought needed a comma, which wasn't there. Because I am not perfect with punctuation myself, I hesitate to mislead you by trying to point them out. There's a chance, I can be mentally adding a comma where one isn't needed. Try running it through a free online Grammar checker like Hemingway. It can guide you in this area much better than I can.

In this sentence, see item highlighted in red:I didnât (should be didn't) even know why I did so...
And the same here: I couldnât (should be couldn't) help but smile...

There are many areas that periods were used where a comma should be, as well as a comma used where a period should be. Also many missed comma's. There are free grammar checking programs available on the internet. If you copy and paste this into one, it could help you to identify where these errors were, and correct them.

I believe the word "king" should be capitalized in all instance, as it is a title.
"None the less" Should be "Nonetheless", all one word.
"... bombarded by his advisers their never ending insistence of an heir." (Consider: "advisers with their" or punctuation after "advisors".
"thrown" Should be "throne" in all instances or its use.
"lifted the cape" Should be "lifts" the cape. Otherwise you have a tense change from the preceding sentence, which is in present tense.
"...as he drew to curved swords..." Should be "two".
"...said the stranger" Stranger doesn't work here, for a couple of reasons. First, it is clear the King recognizes this man right away, then later reference is made as to a past relationship between the two, so he cannot be a stranger. Consider using something like "intruder" instead perhaps. (you also used "stranger again shortly after this first occurrence. Consider a different word of reference to him there.)
"...shake his his elbow loose..." Just one too many "his" used here.
“Which I one.” Should be "won".

Just as a personal observation: if you were to put a space between paragraphs, it would make it much easier on the reader. It helps with keeping focused on where you are , should you lose your place while reading.

*** In this sentence you may want to include the word "had" where indicated, to help it flow a bit smoother: "I had just starting walking on the beach..."

*** A comma is needed (I believe) in this sentence where indicated: "The salt began to irritate my legs, at the same time I..." You may want to double check on that.

*** Here, I would suggest an alternate word, as irritate is already used quite a bit: "It irritates me that I'm letting all of these things..."

*** "The light fades from my outside of my eyelids" Doesn't seem to fit here. Maybe consider a different word here?

Aside from the above suggestions, it could help to try to vary some of your wording that is used quite often throughout the story. Also, try finding some stronger wording for the more intense sentences. Help the reader really feel the depth of you pain and suffering."

"It was there last day in Texas before they go back to Arkansas." There should be spelled "Their". The other section I highlighted in red is written in the wrong tense. Should be "returning to" or "going back". You need to keep sentences in the same tense, as in past tense or present tense, otherwise it becomes confusing to the reader.
"She told my "You realize that your dad might die today." (should read "me" not my.
"My dad would take my sister (Marissa) and I..." Suggest you write it: "My dad would take my sister, Marissa and I..." (Do double check the punctuation I suggest. But it would read better without the sisters name in parenthesis) You can check punctuation on a free online grammar and punctuation checker like paperrater.com. I am still polishing my own punctuation skills
"...to amazing places such as Universal Studios..." I believe you need a semicolon after "such as". (Again, you may wish to consult a punctuation checker.)
"On my birthday (November 1) he was at... " Consider "on my birthday, November first, he was at..."
"...give the absolutes biggest hug in the world." This word is not written in the proper form as used here. Consider "absolute".
"My dad airport base..." Should be "dads".
"...side of the rode in Alaska." Should be "road".
"That flowing night I called..." and "The flowing week..." Should be "following", not "flowing".
"On the plain he kept..." Should be "plane" not "plain"
"April 10, 2012 was a very crappy day the sky was ugly and it was humid." You need to put a comma between the words "day" and "the" or make it two sentences.
"It was during 8 period..." You should always try to spell out numbers in a story. In this case even if you wanted to use the number, it should be followed by "th" as in "8th" but it would be best to write it out "eighth".
"...my mom told me that your father has passed." Should read "my" not "your" Now, had it been dialog, your would have worked. But you were telling us what she said to you, it wasn't her talking to you. See what I mean?
"I saw my dad so pail and ice cold" Should be "pale" not "pail"
"I couldn't believe that was actually happing." "that" should be "this" and "happing" should be "happening".
"A week later we had a moral for him." Should be "memorial" not "moral" Same with two sentences later, with the same word.
There were some other issues with punctualtion, but since I fully admit it is not my strongest point, I really encourage you to copy this and then paste it into paperrater.com or another online free checker. I just do not want to misguide you in this area.

"...she was so overcome of what lay..." ("by" or "with" would be a better word choice in this sentence.)
You are missing a period (.) at the end of the first paragraph.
"An intake of breath..." (If you wanted this to be more powerful, you may consider "Her sharp intake" or "A sharp intake", something like that)
when you are writing dialogue you should be using quotation marks at the beginning and end (") instead of (').
This sentence makes no sense written as it is. I will show needed corrections within the sentence: "Watching, the train flew by and she once again found herself..." There is also an extra space between the words "again" and "found" that you need to remove.
"...countryside consuming her; her plans of hiring a car to meet Alec flew..." In the area I am showing, it would be better to get rid of the semicolon (;) and use a period (.) and begin a new sentence with "Her plans..."
"A walk in the tranquil Irish countryside, inspiration is exactly what was needed." (Doesn't quite flow. Consider the word "this" before inspiration, or somehow phrasing that thought more clearly for the reader.)
"that dream was commonly known around her peers." (Did you mean among?)
In this sentence you need to refer to both parents in the same way, either with or without the s at the end of their reference (I personally would drop the "s" on mothers): "stubbornness was that of her mothers, and her patience and kindness of her father."
The way the words grandmother and grandfather are used in the following sentence, they do not need to be capitalized, as it is making reference to them, not using the words as names (like if you were calling to them): "and her beloved Grandfather and Grandmother""

It would be good to give more vivid description to the countryside to let your readers SEE it for themselves as she does. Not only be told of her reaction to what she sees. This is how you can really bring your story to life and engage the reader. Tell about sights, sound, smells, touch (she felt the winds in her hair), taste (if applicable). Engage the senses, thus giving the reader a feeling of being there with you. Show these things.

It would also help to consider some different word choices in a few areas where The words do not flow well. Consider tightening the longer sentences and using more powerful wording to really grab your readers!

On a last note, punctuation is NOT my strongest point, although I am working to improve it. Some punctuation didn't seem right in this, but without feeling strong in that area, I do not want to ill-advise you. Maybe copy this story, and paste it into a free online grammar and punctuation checker. I like paperrater.com Also know, I still struggle myself with many of the areas of suggestion above. It is by receiving thoughtful and thorough reviews, that I am able to improve. Try reading your story out loud, and that may help you with identifying points of weakness. I do this, and usually I will catch things that reading it silently doesn't allow me to notice as easily.

This being was much taller than I and towered well above me in fact Something about the way this is written, strikes me as being a touch repetitive. Perhaps consider rephrasing it a bit. (Ex: This being, much taller than I, towered well above me.)

I noted heavy use of the word "was" throughout the chapter. It may serve you well to eliminate some of them by simple rephrasing. Example: "His skin was as black as the night surrounding us," (Maybe consider replacing was with a comma, since it can still tie in nicely to the rest of the sentence, without changing the meaning. I think it may be a bit more show not tell as well this way.) This is one example. You may try to use the elimination of some of them, as a way to make the parts show more,less tell.

This sentence doesn't flow well. You may consider rephrasing and tightening it up. He took a step toward me, and I shrank back in terror as far as I could go against Gemma, hard enough to feel the press of the door handle in my lower back.

A misspelling / type-o here: "as well as the silent eradication off all legendary immortals throughout the centuries" I am thinking you intended to say "of" rather than "off"?

Some sentences could use some tightening up, using fewer words, that come across more powerfully. It can transform some sentences into vivid images for the reader, being less conversational. (Not referring to dialogue here)

There is an absence of capitalization in your piece. Each new sentence should start with the first word being capitalized, as well as the word "I" in any form it is used. (I, I'd, I'm, etc.)
You wrote: ...had indeed had his eye on her... It would read much better if the first 'had' were removed.
You wrote: "...above his voice until she reach a place of sheer and veritable enlightenment." (Should be reached, not reach.)
You wrote: "hope left chance behind with a spirit lifts by the wings of... well.... hope" (Lifts, should be lifted.)
Lastly, I think there are places where needed punctuation may be missing, You may want to review this story to check for that.

It would help to smooth out and strengthen the flow of this story if you tightened up some sentences by using fewer, yet more powerful words.
There are several places in this story that have missing punctuation. As an example: “Unfortunately, I am sure." (A comma is needed after the word unfortunately.)
If you were to combine some of the shorter sentences, it would help the flow but allowing it to not seem so clipped / rushed. For example:
"Stephanie and Angie were my only family. I didn’t want to die alone." (You may consider replacing the period with the word 'and'.)

Again, these are only suggestions intended to assist you.