Please understand that this review is based on my own opinion and thoughts. I am not a professional editor or writer, although, I wish I were! Any suggestions made here are made in an honest and caring effort to help you identify possible areas of improvement, and to share what I believe worked well for you in this writing.
A Paper Doll Gang Review
My impression of this piece:
I find this to be written with great descriptive language, thus painting an image for the reader to "see" in their minds eye, as they consume your story. It is a beautiful sentiment, and takes me to the place you are, when writing it. I feel I am there beside you, for the most part.
I find your message easy to follow and understand, however, it would serve this piece nicely to be separated into a few different paragraphs, as I have suggested below. It gets difficult to follow along, when it is all written as one solitary paragraph, and can cause the reader to have to go back and re-read a couple of parts of it, for it to sink in.
Aside from this, it is fantastic! (As long as you are reaching out to a more intellectual audience, that is. IE: A child would not grasp many of the descriptive words used here.)
What works well / Strong points :
It shines through, that you have put much effort into sharing this piece in a "show, not tell" way. Your words paint a vivid imagery that helps the reader to feel like they are there, along side you. Beautiful!!!
*** Here, you might wish to consider eliminating the indicated word, as it only seems to interrupt the flow you have going in this piece. "I don on some clothes..."
***In this area, it would read smoother and easier if you split this sentence into two, where indicated. (again, just suggestions to help). "...and open the door,(Period instead of comma here, beginning a new sentence at the word "the") the soft..."
*** The following, in my opinion, would make a good starting point for the second paragraph. When a written piece is one long paragraph, it makes it harder for the reader to follow along and get into the flow of the story. " I trample through the foliage, " and again, I think the following would work better as the beginning of a new paragraph. "Brushing through the trees..." And then once again, here..."Although this sequence has become a routine..." would serve better as the beginning of yet another new paragraph. By doing so, it really smooths out the process of reading it, and puts it into better perspective.
Final Thoughts / Side Notes:
Thank you for sharing your work. If you have any questions, feel free to contact me. With just a touch of polishing this up, it will shine like the treasure you describe in it!
Just do the next WRITE thing!
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