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681 Public Reviews Given
794 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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26
26
Review of Shorty  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a good dialogue between a tall person and a short person. The tall person can't resist some puns. The tall person asks if the small one is afraid of being stepped on. The small person asks the tall person to reach for some food on the top shelf for him. The short person says that when the end of time comes, the angel of death will lop off the heads of the tall people. That isn't funny and the short one gets the last laugh.

Great job. Write on.

Patrice

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27
27
Rated: E | (5.0)
Interesting item about visiting at Grandma's house. You have lots of details which makes the story easy to follow. Being so close to an Indian reservation held many exciting opportunities, for watching, listening, and participating in.

Grandma's house held lots of possibilities for play and for watching wildlife. Dressing up a mother cat got the author in trouble, but it was still a good memory.

Great job. Write on.

Patrice

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28
28
Review of Love  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I was totally involved in a love story about three people, and the ending surprised me. You give lots of details to keep the story going. Hank, Rita, and Randle move around in the space they are given, with Rita moving outside, followed by Randle. Certainly, the cat had been watching the rat with interest.

This is a cute story that totally took me by surprise. Great job. Write on.

Patrice

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29
29
Review of A Single Tear  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A very touching poem. You've included lots of details that bring the story to life. Your rhyme pattern is perfect.

You trace the woman's life from being alone to having a visit from Prince Charming. Since Prince Charming is a proper noun, it needs to be capitalized.

You do a great job of dealing with possible suicide without using the word. She contemplates suicide but doesn't harm herself. I like that the story ends as it started, with one tear.

Great job. Write on.

Patrice

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30
30
Review of Landsgolden  
Rated: E | (4.0)
"It was her first time babysitting." You have a sentence fragment.

"Their mother" --"The girls' mother" to avoid confusion

"It was their favorite -- sentence fragment

"they went down to check the girls' room."

I don't understand the end of your story. It seems as though Jenny is a witch or some otherworldly being. You didn't add enough information to make this part clear.

You did an excellent job with all the quotation marks. Write on.

Patrice

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31
31
Review of The News Article  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Interesting story. You give lots of good details about Ryan and his relationship. I like the way that you started this story with emotion.

When you use a semicolon the two linked phrases need to be complete sentences.
"a 17-year old boy was murdered."

You have built up the suspense. If you can add to what you have written you will have a better story.

Good job. Write on.

Patrice

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32
32
Review of The Twin  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Nice item about having a doppelganger. You include details to explain your situation.

Run on sentence:

"I will never forget the way it looked at me and smiled ever so slowly. It was inhumane."

You refer to your doppelganger as "it" and "they." Use one or the other.

Good job. Write on.

Patrice

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33
33
Review of The Intruder  
Rated: E | (4.0)
You have run-on sentences:
"Time alone was welcomed. She and Darren weren't getting along well and weren't sure why."

"He'd invited her to come, but halfheartedly. They both knew she'd rather be home."

"They had a security system, with video. If only she could get upstairs. She was in the basement laundry room with no cell phone."

"She tried to hide as she saw him, dressed in black with a full mask over his head. But there was no time."

"with an expression of calm on his face at finally being home..."

You need to have one subject and verb in a sentence unless you include a conjunction like and, but, therefore...

I like the story. Was the husband involved in the break-in, and that's why he needed to be surprised?

Good job. Write on.

Patrice

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34
34
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Interesting story. We all hope to find Prince Charming, but this woman has found two wrong types. Her old relationship was with an abuser. At least he asked to be forgiven so he knew he had done wrong in hitting her.

The new boyfriend also beat her. He didn't ask for forgiveness which would indicate he didn't think he had done something wrong.

She gathers herself together and leaves, making some rules to prevent this from happening again.

Good job. Write on.

Patrice

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35
35
Review of Perhaps Myself  
Rated: E | (5.0)
You've done a great job of contradicting yourself. What is stated in one line is opposed in the next.

The tall man is of average height.
A man of wealth with poverty as his problem.
A smart man who is often wrong.
A single man in a crowd.
A man in love with a broken heart.
A bard who doesn't speak.

Write on.

Patrice

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36
36
Rated: E | (4.5)
You've done a great job with details. Every step along the way you have elaborated.

I would have liked to see some conversation between the characters. You have a good story, but you have told rather than shown.

Good job. Write on.

Patrice

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37
37
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I like the way you have formatted this item. I frequently have trouble reading items that don't leave any space between the lines. I can read this without glasses!

This poem looks back romantically on a street that seems to be stuck in 1968. The shops have 60s memorabilia. The people are dressed the way hippies dressed. The conversations run along the same vein.

This is truly the stuff made of time travel.

Great job. Write on.

Patrice

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38
38
Review of Imagination  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Clever verse, and so full of meaning. Two young lovers who yearn for more, but wind up being content with their relationship as it stands.

Your rhyme is excellent, and your content covers the subject well.

Great job. Write on.

Patrice

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39
39
Rated: E | (5.0)
Cute story with a good amount of suspense. The main character has an automobile problem and heads out to find shelter from the storm. She finds a cabin that is open, and she enters and then makes herself comfortable in a rocking chair.

A talking dog appears, possibly in a dream, and offers consolation. The girl goes to sleep until morning, and a man with a wrecker finds her because the dog is in the middle of the road barking.

Good job. Write on.

Patrice

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40
40
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Nice story with good vocabulary and plenty of details. You started with an attention-getter by having your main character halfway out of her bedroom window.

She has an understanding father who gives some good advice and then gives her permission to leave the house.

Great job on a short, short story.

Good job. Write on.

Patrice

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41
41
Review of Edna's cookies  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Good story set-up. Edna is described as sort of an unusual character who had met the aliens years before. The townspeople are concerned about the aliens visiting, but Edna makes her chocolate chip cookies and tries to calm the worried people.

When the aliens arrive, they partake of Edna's cookies and become acquainted with the townspeople who had feared them.

You've done a great job with details. Write on.

Patrice

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42
42
Review of Heaven for 7  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A clever story revolving around the number seven. From the hotel's reservation software, to the 7th room on the 7th floor, to the seven-course meals, you have tied the story pieces together.

You do an excellent job with details.

Great job. Write on.

Patrice

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
43
43
Review of Treasure  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Cute story. I love the point of view. You start out with characters that have found a tasty treat--I imagined it to be something like a wild-growing mushroom. The characters have found the treat on the way to Elgon.

The end of the story is a big surprise. Certainly, an apple pie would be an astonishing treat.

Good job. WRITE ON.

Patrice

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44
44
Review of short poem  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Good poem. Your imagery grabs the emotions. You do a good job of descriptive imagery putting the feelings of pain and sorrow into her eyes.

I suggest that you add the word the in the line "she cries in the dark."

I like the phrases "her scars are hidden under her smile," and "she painted her happiness in disguise." You've done a great job on this poem!

Welcome to Writing.com.

Write on.

Patrice

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
45
45
Review of Miracle Shot  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A poem that tugs on emotions. You do a good job of the setting, a person with a bb gun aiming at a yellow canary on a faraway perch. The person takes a shot at the bird, thinking that he is too far away to hurt the bird. Good use of foreshadowing.

The bird's head is hit by the bb, and he falls 30 feet to the ground. The person burries the feathered body in the ground, and God is there watching.

Good job. Write on.

Patrice

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
46
46
Rated: E | (5.0)
You do a great job with the details. Your description of how the two had grown apart is great. The tension in the setting is obvious, and you do a good job of setting it up.

They break up their relationship, and both feel the pain of loss, but also the freedom of being out of their commitment to each other. The ending wraps up the relationship perfectly.

Good job. Write on.

Patrice

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47
47
Review of Reunion  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Gripping story. You give just the right amount of information for the story to play out. You do a good job of expressing the emotions of hate and regret.

Good job. Write on.

Patrice

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48
48
Rated: E | (5.0)
You have a well-developed story. You lay all the information out as the story progresses. The problems that the woman had focused on go away when she meets up with a hungry, dirty young boy. His hunger takes her pain away.

Good job. Write on.

Patrice

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49
49
Review of Happy Birthday  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like the unexpected ending. You manage to convey that the child is dead without using those words.

I also like that you have placed an unlit cigarette in the man's mouth. He doesn't light it but he doesn't throw it away either. This seems to be the attitude about the dead child's birthday.

You have a sentence fragment problem here. Every sentence needs to have a subject and a verb. A couple of times you have created a sentence fragment. A better way to deal with this is to use a dash.

Example: They both wanted Armageddon--not cheerful birds chirping.

"Not cheerful birds chirping is a sentence fragment when it stands alone.

Very good job on the story. Write on.

Patrice

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50
50
Rated: E | (4.5)
Great set-up for the November NaNo. Interesting situation caused by the children.

I found one error.
Karl's telling stupid jokes again.
Karl is telling stupid jokes again.

Good job. Write on.

Patrice

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