You do a good job of setting up suspense in the story. The recurring "tick, knock" sets up a nice scary auditory sense. The character is drawn about the room in several directions, exploring the space in the room. Finally drawn to the mirror, the creature becomes interactive.
The end is different from what I would have expected. To wrap the story up with the dog is clever.
Your article is full of interesting facts about television. Certainly, not one person was responsible for the television we know today. You have done a good job of explaining the many people and inventions involved in the development of television.
I have one suggestion. Your article ends abruptly. If you gave a summary of your article at the end, your item would be more well-rounded.
You have included a lot of good details. "multi-colored salad fixings" paint a colorful picture and a strong visual image. The trajectory of the cherry tomato paints a picture across the table and onto the floor. The conversation between friends over lunch is special, despite its everyday happenstance.
You have a lot of details in this short story. The man who comes in with the coin is full of hope and enthusiasm. He thinks the coin may be platinum, and the storekeeper thinks so too. He has an elaborate story about another find and has an elaborate explanation of what he may have found.
The storekeeper doesn't make a big deal out of the find and the man goes away.
Nice story. The old man sees his hair problem and finds a solution. When he goes out to celebrate his good fortune another person sees through his solution and makes fun of him. He gets into a fight and loses his hair solution. He ends up with his original hair situation.
This is a good conversational item. I like the conversational tone in trying the new Julia Child's recipe. The comments about the smoke alarm are very real. This is an excellent item.
I like the quote that you start this story with. You place the character in a space to be writing the letter from. This makes the letter more immediate.
Your passage of time is great. You include lots of details to bring the story to life.
One error. "My bouquet of (flowers) was like the one..." instead of were.
I hope you will edit this. Your first three sentences have sentence fragments. Each sentence needs a noun/subject and verb/action. The quotation marks should be "double quotes." You have a compound sentence with no comma between clauses.
"Quiffed" probably means the spelling of "coiffured."
"Constrastly" probably means "in contrast."
You have some good detailed descriptions. The "lavender tie..." is a good description, but the phrase's neatness gets lost in the length of the sentence.
I like the patience with which he waits and the far-away daydream that he breaks when making his lunch payment.
I hope you will check each sentence to make sure it fulfills the requirements of a sentence. You have several descriptive phrases serving the purpose of a sentence. Leaving out a word keeps the sentence from being a sentence.
You might want to check out the app "Grammarly." It's a free program that you can integrate with your writing. It will help you with your sentence structure and spelling.
This story is a tragedy indeed. A wedding day of future hope is consummated with magical rings for the bride and groom. The drive to the honeymoon location is cut short by a car accident that claims a life.
In the beginning, there is more explanation of who is standing where than is necessary. The names do get a little confusing.
Toward the end of your story, you lose control of your grammar. The first word inside quotes should be a capital letter. Some of your spoken words are not in quotation marks. You shift between past tense and present tense. The neatness of your story falls apart at the last 5th.
I hope you will edit the last section of your story. If you read it aloud you will be able to tell what needs to be edited.
Good job with the plot. You have an interesting story full of details about the significance of the ring and the honeymoon drive. The end is unexpected.
I had trouble visualizing the mountain on the side of the car. Did you mean a sharp cliff or some other geographic structure?
I enjoyed this touching story of an old woman's last night on earth. The sounds she hears and the sights she imagines are well-detailed.
I like that she dies out in nature rather than in a nursing home. The attendants looking for her with their flashlights in the dark contrast with the sounds of nature as the sun goes down.
All the required words and phrases fit in the story seamlessly. The end is peaceful as expected.
A nice poem on overcoming writer's block. The rhyme scheme is perfect. You build a visual story with the bricks, and the bricks falling away to let the muse free. I like the way the muse is addressed, and her warning to use words every day or they may flee.
I enjoyed the read. This is a very well-constructed story. The timeline is well-defined. The descriptions are very well stated. The characters are well described. The red hair and pipe cleaner magician is easy to recognize.
I'm not sure I understood what happened at the end. I needed the conclusion spelled out a bit more.
I like your formatting. Keeping the conversation to just one line makes the story easy to follow, and easy on the eyes.
You set the story up perfectly, having the doctor and the young girl in conversation. And the slip of the tongue the young girl makes is an excellent example of showing rather than telling.
I was a bit disappointed with the ending. Maybe you could have taken longer with the end, showing instead of telling. Great job.
I like your trial for Snow White, the Prince, and the Wicked Witch. Your tone is serious, and the humorous asides, are smart and well-placed.
I only found one item to edit. If you are referring to a situation that is contrary to fact, use "were." Paul Simon used "was" so I guess it's a rule meant to be broken.
I like your story. It is an interesting read. I have a few suggestions.
"Treasure Island" should be indicated as a book by underlining or putting the book title in quotes.
"college" should not be capitalized. It's not a specific college--which would be a name and a proper noun. "Colleges" in general do not take a capital letter.
Your story brings a knowing smile to my face. I wouldn't have thought of magic mushrooms being an integral part of a story, but you did it with finesse.
"pyramids" should not be capitalized because it is a general term rather than a specific pyramid."
"one must enter the right mine" rather than mind
The first sentence of the 3rd paragraph needs to be several shorter sentences or to have commas where there is a rule for them. The sentence has lots of good information, just not as all one sentence.
The 4th paragraph should be several shorter sentences instead of one long one. A sentence should be as long as it would take you to read it in only one breath.
They saw their destination but you didn't say what happened when they got there, or if they got there.
I like this story, but you left out some good parts, like how did they feel after they took the magic mushrooms, and what happened when they reached their destination.
I like the plot of this story. If you edit, try to bring in more descriptive explanations and phrases.
"Decievement" is spelled wrong. I think you actually meant "deceit."
Your item starts out talking about "him," but ends up referring to "you."
You have some excellent descriptions --"a tsunami of realizations," "breathing in toxicity is more concrete...."
I like that you started each line with a capital letter. You have sentences here that should be ended by a period. The commas seem kind of sprinkled rather than setting off words due to grammar rules.
I like the content of this poem very much. I can follow most of your emotions and symbolism. This would be a great poem with a bit of editing.
"You feel something more" than what? You have a comparison but you don't say what it is compared to--happiness?
"We all have something we would destroy ourselves for." You have two sentences between the capital letter and the period--a run-on sentence.
"but once it's over"--"It's" meaning it is.
"Drug addicts, alcohol addicts..." This is a sentence fragment. I think you need to put a dash instead of making another sentence.
You have run-on sentences and sentence fragments throughout the item. I can't tell where one sentence begins and where it ought to end.
Your image of being hugged by clouds is good--a unique description.
I am not able to review this further because of the sentence problems.
You could go back and look at each sentence to check that it has one subject and one verb between the capital letter and the period. I hope you will edit this because this is good writing from a unique perspective.
You have a good premise, but the execution needs work.
It isn't a short story because it doesn't have a plot. There are a lot of things happening along a timeline. This feels like a note to yourself about an item you're going to write.
The plot is interesting, but it's not a short story, or flash fiction, or anything I can think of.
As a note to yourself, it is good. You capture a lot of life stories.
I'd like to read this again when it becomes a more regular story.
I like your story. You have a large number of well-defined phrases.
As I got to the end, I felt like I missed some important parts. I read it again and didn't find what I was looking for. I wanted more explanation of what was going on because of the money.
I like your description of the food at the beginning and the phrases about the baby--how she was being held and the fact that she had scabs on her body. You do a good job of showing instead of telling. When you referred to the baby as a young girl, I was confused. To me, a young girl is in her teens. I can see you wanted to be a baby instead of a girl. It kinda threw me off.
This was a good read. I just feel like I missed the heart of the story--the why. I can understand your suspense factor. I just wanted to know more.
I like the ending with your one line. It wraps the story up nicely.
This story was an interesting read. I like the formatting. It's a blank verse poem with a specific plot. You build up your story very well with the details of what he keeps.
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