I enjoyed reading this short story. Your characters. are well fleshed out, even though you only have one speaking.
I like how you use the passage of time backward and forward. The action only covers a small bit of time, but you spread the story out for a longer time.
If you are inclined to go back and edit, I caught a few things that got by you on your final draft:
Try to be consistent with your punctuation. Sometimes you use it and sometimes you don't. Pick one.
In the 2nd stanza, I don't think you need to use the word "'cause." Reading flows better without it. Also reading the context, it makes more sense not to use it.
When you are talking about The God or His pronouns, capitalize the first letter. This is standard practice.
"travels the world and dances" -- agreement rule
The last stanza has two lines without capital letters. Be consistent and capitalize them also.
This is a good read. I like the ways in which you interpret life. Life in the dust of the earth is a powerful image.
This was a good read. The lines flow into each other as do your expressions of life.
This is phenomenal. The story is simple and well put together. The new doll's nativity is perfect.
I really like the way you formatted this. My eyes aren't so good, but I had no trouble reading this. I greatly enjoyed the read.
This story has a simple style and is very entertaining. I enjoyed the read from start to finish. This would be great for very young readers. There is only one large word, and the surrounding words tell the definition.
Great opening paragraph. You set up the ironic nature of what is to follow,
"I always act on your will as I see fit." Use a dash or make the two sentences one. You have a sentence fragment.
"Tossed his coffee cup over the ledge." maybe you need to say a styrofoam cup. I imagined him tossing a nice ceramic mug--not what you intended for me to envision.
This is a good creepy story, well developed with a strong plot, The surprise ending is great.
I like your use of 'I' as a character in your protagonist's mind. I can almost see the erratic and evil thinking spot in his brain.
I enjoyed the read. I especially liked your use of "fifty-cent words," stretching your and the reader's vocabulary.
This is a 5 star short story. The plot is easy to follow. The development of the story is good. You gives plenty of details so that the reader gets a full picture of the characters and the setting.
The story kept my attention all the way through. The second half of the story does not seem to be connected to the first for a whole story section--at first. You do a great job of putting the two halves together.
The 'dirt gravel road' is a detail that stuck with me, especially the taste of it.
Before I begin reading I note that your paragraphs are too long. It's true that a paragraph is all about one idea. However, the story needs to look balanced on the page. The reader (me) may become reluctant to read your item.
Also, putting a blank line between paragraphs helps to break up the overall visual art.
You need to insert commas according to the rules. You have several "items in a series that need commas between 1, 2, and 3.
3rd paragraph has a long sentence that could easily be made into two shorter sentences.
"Soon, the summer turned to winter, and the Land began to close up its pantry for the season." "
"The Villagers began to starve and become ill."
Unless you are referring to the one God, the word needs to be used in its lowercase.
A similar rule applies to the capitalization of "Pride," but I can see why you used it that way.
You have several capitalizations that don't follow the capitalization rules. Since you capitalized consistently, I would call it writer's discretion, and not call it an error to be fixed.
Your ending is priceless. I never saw it coming. Your use of the vernacular is a perfect ending.
Your article about the Writing.com Convention is very informative and full of details. Your progression from the ride to Pennsylvania to the delayed check-in is well written.
I'm a stickler for errors, as I used to be an English teacher. I have no suggestions for editing. It's perfect as it is. I especially like that you included the usernames of some of your friends
Thanks for sharing your experiences with the writing.com convention.
Alicia is the perfect young rebel. You have portrayed the dialog and her actions perfectly. I have to wonder if you smoke cigarettes because the descriptions are exact and perfect.
You build the mother's worries, never deviating from her problem, except when she judges herself.
I found only one problem. If you say "my mother," you don't capitalize it.
If you use the term "Mother" as a name, capitalize it. In the beginning, you didn't get it right, in the middle you did, and you slipped again at the ending.
This story is perfect. The characters are described in detail most perfectly.
The conflict is well-developed and well-written.
I enjoyed reading your story. I didn't guess the ending--not even when you said she was found in a crack house. Your progression of suspense is very effective.
I wasn't able to read your work. My eyes are not good. If you had put a space between paragraphs and your itemization, I think I could have read it. I can tell by the length that you put a lot of work into this item.
The all capital let6ters make your prayer hard to read, and the print is distracting. There is no reason for all caps. You are shouting the whole prayer. Is this appropriate/
I would be happy to rerate the content of your prayer when you change the print.
I like the poem at the beginning. It sets the mood for your story.
Your first sentence needs to be three sentences.
"Tears dropped onto the cobble stone among the rustling of leaves"
Rustling is what leaves generally do.
"It was never meant to be this way."
"A dream turned in to a nightmare."
"just catching his breath" delete "and"
"He just found nobody there." Remove the "just"
"It was a breakup that hurt" Each sentence can end with a period except the next to last lin. Putting a period make a sentence fragment.
This a good brief writing. Your item followed a good plot. You told a brief story well. Don't let the number of suggestions get you down. I used to be an English teacher.
A story with intensity the leaves the reader with a chuckle.
The "Barb" repetition was kind of annoying, but with two people talking throughout, I can see that there is no other way to figure out who is speaking. All of your quotation marks are good. That's sometimes challenging and distracting to keep up with.
Excellent short story, and the fact that you wrote this item with so few words is a credit you to writing with brevity, a concept that I personally have problems with.
I've been away from writing.com for a while. I discovered I forgot how to write the Writing ML tags. The formats of the entire site have changed so much. It used to be in a clickable box. I can't find the box and I can't find an explanatory item.
I came to your site hoping that perhaps you had written something about Writing ML, or that I could see one of your images and figure out what to do. I found this great folder of Abba items. I wanted to compliment you on how great your portfolio is organized as well as your use of Writing ML.
I'll keep on searching for the information I referred to before. When you read this, if you could point me in the right direction, I would appreciate the help. I found one page with information, but it is formatted differently and I'm having trouble assimilating it.
And congratulations of your upgrade to moderator. From your early works on, I could tell you had a bright future at WRITING.COM.
Your item builds tension and follows a logical course. I enjoyed your description of your "footie pajamas," and how you filled them up over time, and some of the items you added. I didn't catch what the actual period of time was, but it doesn't matter since all the background of your experience happened in your childhood. Your story is a perfect length for a quick read, and I enjoyed it very much.
Thank you for sharing amazing parts of your grandmother's life. She was truly a fantastic woman before Parkinson's showed up in her life. Your piece shows me that I need to take advantage of the time I have before the symptoms overcome me. I have a handful of symptoms now, and no diagnosis yet. It seems the worst part is the fear of what the future may hold.
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