hood, I - hood; I

me he – me, he

date, when she arrived so - date when she arrived, so

Joe, and – no comma

laundering, and – no comma

repercussions so – repercussions, so

know; when - delete semi-colon

Gloria, she – no comma

floor, if – floor; if

optimist, I'm - optimist; I'm

buck and - buck, and

"Look, You - "Look, you

here...see. - here … see.

door, and – no comma

quiet, and – no comma

there Mr. - there, Mr.

boys? " - boys?"

hairdresser and - hairdresser, and

know-- you - know--you

eyes, that – eyes; that

one, I – one; I

Jimbo, was – no comma

window swearing – window, swearing

chair, and – no comma

I'd loose - I'd lose

roof and - roof, and

thug, never – no comma

run, and – no comma`

tape.I - tape. I

office, and – no comma

shattered and – shattered, and

poined to - pointed to

dead." he - dead." He

Pythons, are – no comma

and started - and are starting – compound verb.

Everglades.Joe - Everglades. Joe

County, and – no comma

locker.That - locker. That

me and - me, and

conclusion, and – no comma

night where - night, where

street she - street, she

Joe still - Joe was still

I always - I am always

prey, she – prey; she

own nasty – own against nasty

diesel duly. - do you mean duty?

Mama, safe - Mama was safe

I kneeled - knelt

relieved, and – no comma

Now, parents – this sentence is a repeat of one in this paragraph - Now Big Mama

Leave a space between paragraphs for easier reading.

frigtend - frightened

occuring, - occurring,

unexpectedly! Everyone believes - unexpectedly, everyone believed

he was to do - he had something to do

anouther - another

Velma however had - Velma, however, had

didnt care - didn't care

inside then - inside than

dangers lied - dangers lay

body, she released - body; she realized

strangled and - strangled, and

room, that – no comma

velma shiver - Velma shiver

Luckily her - Luckily, her

trouble, someone - trouble; someone

rose and velma - rose, and Velma

near by. - nearby.

was stroling - was strolling

Its killer - It's killer

her and - her, and

sooner then - sooner, then

thought.a he - thought. She

with relife - with relief

of the table. - out from under the table.

door, she - door; she

ride it - ride; it

Suddenly the - Suddenly, the

light the - light in the

peterson raised - Peterson raised

gun, he - gun; he

to help, - for help;

had got her threw her - got to her, threw her

knife and - knife, and

sergent peterson - Sergeant Peterson

velmas dead - Velma's dead

picture, and – no comma

fire, there - fire; there

one, she released how dnagerous - one; she realized how dangerous

was, her - was; her

set of her – used her

in june, - in June,

of "Wild Kingdom,' - of “Wild Kingdom,”

Forest.This – Forest. This

insinct – instinct

alligtors, - alligators,

elk and – elk, and

"Willd Kingdom," - "Wild Kingdom,"

the janguar, - the jaguar,

poinsoned warts - poisoned warts

pockets and – pockets, and

In 1970. - in 1670.

bison cowered - bison, cowered

happened --- we - happened---we / or - happened - we

cattle and - cattle, and

his padbock. - his paddock.

dirt and – dirt, and

Tourtists - Tourists

fawnand - fawn and

fun but - fun, but

the that class - the class

recongised - recognized

panick - panic

him and – him, and

anything and – anything, and

relatonships - relationships

neck but - neck, but

lessons and – lessons, and

again there – again, there

adventure." This - for internal dialogue, I would suggest italics

night to be waiting - night, waiting

Instantly blinded - Instantly, blinded

forgiving and - forgiving, and

spine and – spine, and

always. "They - always, "they

hole, and – no comma

it," and - it." And

mind and - mind, and

yard he – yard, he

seizure, he – seizure; he

traumatized, and – no comma

furious, and – no comma

neighborhood, a – neighborhood; a

once and - once, and

sad he - sad, he

listen, if – listen; if

happy he – happy, he

Wednesday, we – Wednesday; we

morning, Dad – morning; Dad

Killer," Maria, - Killer." Maria,

office, the – office; the

blanket, and – no comma

There is a lot of extra space between paragraphs. I would suggest to leave only one blank line between each.

energy it - energy, it

to congregated - to congregate

sides whispering - sides, whispering

On the top – missing a verb.

structure created - structure was created

dome he – dome, he

tunnels entrance. - tunnel's entrance.

here!" The - here!" the

possible he – possible, he

fashion, he - fashion; he

difficult, they – difficult; they

feet and - feet, and

generals order. - general's order.

bodies Daniel - bodies, Daniel

Ahead an – Ahead, and

him was – him, was

post and – post, and

door there – door, there

the sites. - the sights.

target looking – target, looking

Daniel listed - Daniel listened

Daniel leans – stay with the same tense as the rest of the paragraph.

cargo moving - cargo, moving

unexpected and – unexpected, and

the moister - the moisture

that, intelligence – that; intelligence

suggest - suggests

threshold, and - no comma

hen, and – no comma

16 they - 16, they

balls, and – no comma

“Who is – I would suggest italics since this is not dialogue.

ended and - ended, and

ladies, and - no comma

maneuver, and – no comma

one twenty – one, twenty

him, the - him; the

counter and - counter, and

Datsun Sunny. - Datsun, Sunny.

other of the warrior. - other warrior. / or - other of the warriors.

chitter sailers - chitter sailers.

meant that he – delete “that”

air, and felt – air and feel - He is the subject – could smell and feel is the verb.

He began to move lower down – he traveled down.

He knew there - There

clear that this – delete “that”

he knew the - the

run. Ai'Liel – run, Ai'Liel

sheath, and – delete comma

branches, and - no comma

onslaught, and – no comma

branches, Water - branches. Water

concerto...from - concerto … from

that, and – no comma

herself, opened – no comma

light, and - no comma

creak, and – no comma

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

house and - house, and

zombie and – zombie, and

I put – if you read this literally, it is funny. I suggest - I rested my head on my hands

this but - this, but

now but – now, but

together and - together, and

Some of the paragraphs have space after the last period.


voyage— a - I suggest em dash voyage--a - the en dash is voyage — a ; this usage occurs several times in the story.

el-train - El-train

tarmac, yet - tarmac; yet,

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

One thing I noted was that each stanza, except the first, is comprised of two sentences with the first sentence ending in a comma. I would change that to a period in each case.

To search - to search

observe, - observe.

girl toes - girl's toes

a wave, - no comma

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morning except - morning, except

and creeped - and crept

point the - point, the

be conquered... - be conquered....

immediately... - immediately....

seen and – seen, and

uncertainties… - uncertainties.…

limb… - limb.…-

at all... - at all....

weeks... - weeks....

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Alicia, clings - no comma

stands, and – no comma

moment collect - moment to collect

lying lifeless - lies lifeless

lying face - lies face

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plane Italy. - plane to Italy.

God…” - God.…”

feeling that I - feeling I

on, and - no comma

lifted elbow - lifted an elbow

side, and oddly enough caught - side and, oddly enough, caught

blue, he – blue; he

him, he – him; he

through?” He - through?” he

around I - around, I

charge, he – charge; he

though: the - though; the

me is - me was

“Now!’ He - “Now!” he

to!” He - to!” he

up, and - no comma

aisle and - aisle to

pleading, he - pleading; he

space; floating – space, floating

and crashed - and crash

school or let - school, let

And then, he walked back to his seat. And I did the same. - who is flying the plane?

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

So when - So, when

alway said? - always said?

here, that - here; that

right where- - right where--

wall, the - wall, she

couldn’t be- - couldn’t be--

that-” - that--”

“This here, - “This, here,

agreed, “But - agreed, “but

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Note: there is a mixture of present and past tense. I suggest to choose one tense and stick to it.

This site will help to eliminate the over use of “that.”

https://writeanything.wordpress.com/2009/11/09/tha...

I am taking – I would suggest to add more description of sight and sound. Tree shapes, branches fallen, cracking leaves, etc.

worst that I've - worst I've

imagine that they - imagine they

conversation that I - conversation I

afraid that they - afraid they

here that stills - here still

tall, trees. - no comma

audible where - audible were

around, I – around; I

realize that there - realize there

afraid, it's - afraid; it's

chirping, it - chirping; it

one, there - one; there

hoping that it - hoping it

living, slowly so – living; slowly, so

and through - and threw

gone and - gone, and

noise, I - noise? I

running the - running, the

birds, and – no comma

burning, - burning.

Note: I don't know if you have read Robert Bloch, the author of Psycho, but he writes great horror without the graphic gore. If you have a chance, take a look at some of his books. Another writer of scary tales is Dean Koontz, who also write without graphic gore. Although, the movie Jaws has some gore, the scariest part of the movie is the music, which plays when the shark is coming. When the reader can feel that horror coming, it is much more powerful than tossing blood here and there.
Personally, I find the graphic gore unnecessary. The horror is evident without it. Paint your scenes with dynamic words, which are more powerful than blood and guts.

quiet. And - quiet and

quiet and - quiet, and

places that you - places you

wonder...am – wonder … am

alive and - alive, and

within the - with the

corral and - corral, and

streaming from - streamed from – the verb is compound: danced and streamed, and they need to be of the same tense.

years that I - years I

This site will help to eliminate the over use of “that.”

https://writeanything.wordpress.com/2009/11/09/tha...

the since - the sense

ago we – ago, we

charging me – charging at me

tic. With - tic with

stomach and – stomach, and

man who - man, who

woman that I - woman I

know that I - know I

shaking her – shaking, her

you. Back off or – you, back off, or

rifle her – rifle in her

down, and – no comma

something being - something behind

dizzy and – dizzy, and

enough.", came – enough," came

voice, " He - voice, "he

This site is good for how to Punctuate Dialogue.

http://www.be-a-better-writer.com/punctuate-dialog...

ma'am.", one – ma'am," one

said, "Everyone - said, "everyone

"Damn!", came - "Damn!" came

herein time." - here in time."

" I don't - "I don't

eyes but – eyes, but

saw was - saw were

Flash....... Flash....... Flash. - Flash . . . flash . . . flash.

For the use of ellipsis, check out this site.

http://grammar.about.com/od/e/g/ellipsispunctuatio...

Flash.....Flash... - Flash . . . flash. . . .

Suddenly I - Suddenly, I

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Note: I suggest to leave a space between paragraphs for easier reading.

programs, to - no comma

rule that I - rule I

realized he - realized I

17, and – no comma

since you - since I

Kong, to - no comma

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

with 6 - with six – numbers less than ten, write them out.

feelings.” Fred - feelings,” Fred

Fred and - Fred, and

Dirk. ” agreed – Dirk,” agreed

day, and all night, long. - delete commas

crapped – is cramped the intended word?

space that they - space they

Zaz, Do - Zaz, do

time she - time, she

was placing – was, placing

afterall. - after all.

Besides there – Besides, there

get her writing - get Her writing

tell her all - tell Her all

with her on - with Her on

action.” added – action,” added

these, that – no comma

chair.” remarked - chair,” remarked

about.” answered – about,” answered

meant that one - meant one

ensure that their - ensure their

This site will help to eliminate the over use of “that.”

https://writeanything.wordpress.com/2009/11/09/tha...

messages, the – messages; the

so to were - so too were

great, that Her - great, Her

her the house! - her house!

meant that he - meant, he

like Liam, - like neither Liam,

chair isn’t – chair, isn’t

time don’t – time, don’t

nobody that - nobody who

know that all - know all

hurting, and not - hurting, not

something, she - something; she

love.” said – love,” said

Or, does – no comma

up.” said - up,” said

helpful.” rushed – helpful,” rushed

“Please let’s - “Please, let’s

Oh…what – Oh … what

song that she - song she

land that she - land she

continue.” said – continue,” said

message.” Patrick – message,” Patrick

time.” concluded - time,” concluded

think that she’ll - think she’ll

it.” Dirk - it,” Dirk

we?”, he - we?” he

hopes that someone - hopes someone

words that - words they

was it?! - was it? - double end punctuation is not necessary.

that what - that's what

are has individual - are individual

is; will – is: will

that?!”, cried - that?” cried

THAT?”, cried - THAT?” cried

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morning and - morning, and

“Yeah!” giggled – new paragraph -

Grammar Rules and Writing Tips for Dialogue
https://blog.udemy.com/english-conversation-dialog...

ears and - ears, and

dreams and - dreams, and

Woof! He said. - Woof! he said.

Aren’t you - “Aren’t you – new paragraph

thing she - thing,” she

I’ll see you tomorrow and - “I’ll see you tomorrow.” And

share but - share, but

conversation he – conversation, he

regulars had – regulars, had

them, they - them; they

After 2 - After two – for numbers less than ten, spell them out.

hours Muggsy - hours, Muggsy

restauranteur - restaurateur

“I think – new paragraph – I think – italics works well for speech that is internal.

think” woofed - think,” woofed

“Man you – new paragraph

dog. Bubba - dog,” Bubba

“Wish away” Muggsy – new paragraph - “Wish away,” Muggsy

“Funny” said - new paragraph - “Funny,” said

full, junipers – no comma

long and - long, and

“Yeah, give – new paragraph

sake and – sake, and

to do. - leave a space between this paragraph and the next.

day Muggsy’s – day, Muggsy’s

that the - that, the

men and - men, and

loaders brake - loader's brake

yards constantly. - yards, constantly.

mushrooms and - mushrooms, and

woof” Muggsy – woof,” Muggsy

“Yeah I - new paragraph

you, I‘ll – you; I‘ll

my money. - my money.”

Woof-Woof? - new paragraph

“Whats that? - new paragraph

Dog? Said - Dog?” said

Til' you - 'Til you

money and – money, and

Smiled then. - He smiled then.

steak” he - steak,” he

insane but – insane, but

again he - again, he

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

3-year – suggest – three year

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Suddenly the - Suddenly, the

Jakob and - Jakob, and

from storm - from the storm

shines through - shines though

now but – now, but

sky and – sky, and

disappointed and with - disappointed with

entrance she - entrance, she

back and – back, and

door Jael - door, Jael

curiosity Jael – curiosity, Jael

alone except – alone, except

instantly she - instantly, she

far door. - car door.

Frustrated she - Frustrated, she

horn but - horn, but

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

There is switching back and forth between past and present tense. I suggest to stay with one tense.


some fear - some, fear

believed that fear - believed fear

thing. Success. - thing: success.

and get - and getting – parallelism

course for - course, for

friends that - friends who

him and – him, and

already that he - already he

"Charlie what – "Charlie, what

said, his – said. His

tomorrow and – tomorrow, and

Charlie says - Charlie said – stay with one tense.

voice. "Well – voice, "well – this is a continuation of the opening dialogue.

mind and - mind, and

Brianna. Or Bri, he – Brianna or Bri, he

up?" He - up?" he

brother you – brother, you

wanted." Bri - wanted," Bri

that and - that, and

thing; fear. - thing: fear.

in, had – no comma