it. Which - it, which

hard, and – no comma

waiting. Or – waiting, or

asleep lazily - asleep, lazily

He enters - He entered

world. That place - world, which

Cloths laid - Clothes lay

except their - except on their
Nine-year – this is an appositive phrase. Use a comma after sister's, then the appositive phrase, then a comma and Sleeping Room.

Sheet, and – no comma

She waded - She wadded

little, and - no comma

“Your right - “You're right

Your still - You're still

you too.” - do you mean two

Robecca pulled – Robecce pulled

follower Boranna - followed Boranna

fruits, and colors, hung – delete all commas

other. As - other as

asked that. - asked.

Suddenly four - Suddenly, four

to who they - to whom, they

and use - and to use

time we thanks – time, we thanked

and defend - and defended

it HIM - it, HIM

papers Yetti - papers, Yetti

who hide - who hides

kids they - kids, they

house Morcam – house, Morcam

I a reading - I am reading

but he - but, he

Room she – Room, she

did started - did not start

rope and - rope, and

paper she - paper, she

for all - for, all

Robecce’s at - Robecce was at

“they have - “They have

hours but – hours, but

bottom, it’s – bottom; it’s

myself and – myself, and

matter, no – matter; no

played; studying – played, studying

Please ...?” - Please?...”

me and - me, and

tight...too – tight … too

cruise but - cruise, but

didn’t he - didn’t, he

cruises wasn’t - cruises weren’t

the he problem?’ - the problem?’

Hellia. Hellia was the – Hellia, the

It was – this sentence is not needed.

Sorin. Sorin was an – Sorin, an

our guest - our guests

“Her comes - “Here comes

Cruisers. Making – Cruisers, making

had been - had not been

Cruisers too. - Cruisers. - also is at the beginning of the sentence.

room he - room, he

wife he – wife, he

was she - was, she

exactly like his exactly like his wife. - exactly like his his wife.

me you - meet you

weeks Klairon – weeks, Klairon

tried something – tried, something

her the – her, the

her he – her, he

put in - put it

out, to – no comma

to why whole - to my whole

mask. And - mask and

Klairon is - Klairon was

wed the – wed, the

together they – together, they

me.” said – me,” said

having been - haven't been

true then – true, then

your father. - your father.”

twenty they – twenty, they

was she – was, she

burn on - burns on

regrets that about - regrets about

he never - she never

staled her - stalled her

saw.... nothing – saw ... nothing

ended Klairon - ended, Klairon

etc. but - etc., but

then he – then, he

Apparently she - Apparently, she

This is a great story, and I expect the next part of the story will be even better.

cold and - cold, and

cave sending - cave, sending

neck and – neck, and

it had all began. - it had all begun. / it all began.

“Tis - “'Tis

clouds.” he - clouds,” he

jesters and - jesters, and

small but - small, but

develop but - develop, but

The village - “The village

daughter and - daughter, and

journey and - journey, and

located and – located, and

entered she – entered, she

and riotous – you might want to rephrase this. It reads as if the laughter is smelled.

corner; a - corner: a

before and – before, and

door and – door, and

the up portcullis - the portcullis up

everywhere so – everywhere, so

The souls - The soles

nails as they – nails; they

Anomalia?” He - Anomalia?” he

Barristan and – Barristan, and

learner and – learner, and

“Dragons,” her - “Dragons.” Her

sounds and – sounds, and

riding and – riding, and

heraldry and - heraldry, and

who was - who were

temper get - temper to get

features and – features, and

first he - first the

chin and – chin, and

troublemakers and – troublemakers, and

halt! Her - halt!” her

reprobates you – reprobates, you

girl rush - girl to rush

Robert you’d – Robert, you’d

done,” her – done.” Her

ruffians,” her - ruffians.” Her

boy John you called John made – boy, you called John, made

way”, he – way,” he

door they – door, they

ledges and - ledges, and

green dragons, red dragons, golden dragons, and - green, red, gold dragons, and

hand full - handful

espansive - expansive

There are – this sentence is repetitive.

fear, and – no comma

belches, and - no comma

delight and – delight, and

attention but - attention, but

along while – a long while

nosey - nosy

blood and – blood, and

you were - you where

fire and - fire, and

why he's - why he

she can – the story has been in the past tense. Stay with that.

consider - considering

it he - it, he

child you – child, you

did agree – agreed

mother-to-be the – mother-to-be, the

weeks they – weeks, they

history, or – no comma

wanted then - wanted, then

child they - child, they

live they - live, they

live but – live, but

that were looked - that looked

to very – to be very

day they – day, they

happen a lot, but not that much. - this is contradictory.

village the – village, the

day they – day, they

that they - that, they

landmarks but – landmarks, but

softly that – softly so that

Mostly what she - Mostly she

about what the - about the

Beside it - Besides it

landmarks he – landmarks, he

ten year." - ten years."

village I – village, I

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

us that we - us we

https://writeanything.wordpress.com/2009/11/09/tha...

believe that we - believe we

me that you - me you

year that you - year when you

campus, and – no comma

emotion that was swamping - emotion swamping

you Katie" you – you, Katie," you

knew that we - knew we

Suggestion: italics works well for internal thought.

Ocean and – Ocean, and

ambience - ambiance

building which – building, which

"No…you're – "No … you're

liked, and – no comma

pages which - pages, which

illness and therefore she - illness, and therefore, she

away and - away, and

Suggestion: use the en dash sparingly.

opinion and – opinion, and

glasses, and - no comma

tall, and – no comma

school and – school, and

near sightedness - nearsightedness

with and – with, and

training and - training, and

open and – open, and

did, that – no comma

Occasionally he – Occasionally, he

Normally he – Normally, he

-the * - the

saying…many – saying … many

settlers, and – no comma

he smiled - He smiled

babe,” Ray - babe.” Ray

he winked - He winked

table, and – no comma

hood, to – no comma

<hic> - suggestion – italics works well for sounds - hic

her, and – no comma

laughed, and - no comma

“Off course - “Of course

Suggestion – a space should come after each paragraph – including dialogue, which makes for easier reading.

excited, because – no comma

got dressed – got - not needed

headphones, and – no comma

"What?" She - "What?" she

cereal and - cereal, and

school, and – no comma

class grinning. - class, grinning.

"Hi!" She said. - "Hi!" she said.

week, and – no comma

time, and – no comma

together, and – no comma

"Thanks." Hope – "Thanks," Hope

kitchen, and – no comma

candles she - candles, she

Suggestion: there is a mix of past and present tense. Choose one and stay with it.

to a Ciria - to Ciria

it." Said – it," said

though." Said – though." said

me?" Said - me?" said

Suddenly Thovus hears – Suddenly, Thovus heard

lite. - lit.

were lite - were lit

there." Said - there," said

Flori, said - Flori,” said

seconds he – seconds, he

Love – love – no need for capital.

less." Said – less," said

too." Said – too," said

come I – come, I

be." Said – be," said

nothingness he – nothingness, he

you?" Said - you?" said

no." Said - no," said

go I - go, I

House I - House, I

button, or – no comma

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Robert,” - Robert.”

sting, her cheeks burning - sting, and her cheeks would burn – parallelism - http://www.myenglishpages.com/site_php_files/gramm...

forehead, and – no comma

eyes, the two began - eyes, began

asked, “Why – asked. “Why

asks as she reads. - stay with past tense - asked as she read.

tables. A – tables, a

again, “Sorry.” - again. “Sorry.”

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

party...purple - party … purple

sleep.Susie – sleep. Susie

kiss.Sleep - kiss. Sleep

come!Susie – come! Susie

carefully got dressed - carefully dressed

stairs, and – no comma

today! Susie – is this internal thought or dialogue?

breakfast she – breakfast, she

decorations, and - no comma

broken, and – no comma

her, and – no comma

busy, and – no comma

party? Susie – delete italics and use quote marks.

too, and – no comma

decorations, and – no comma

them, and – no comma

you got to turn - you turned

coming, and – no comma

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Suggestion: leave a space between paragraphs for easier reading.

eyes and – eyes, and

jokes, and – no comma

being, that's - being; that's

Eva, and – no comma

is it." - is it?"

Dan and – Dan, and

fun and - fun, and

are up, - are up;

school, if - school; if

out you'll - out, you'll

got and - got, and

say 'I'm – say, 'I'm

Rivers and - Rivers, and

parents and - parents, and

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Suggest to leave a space between paragraphs.

nights, the - nights; the

sight and - sight, and

opened and - opened, and

darkness causing - darkness, causing

seer and - seer, and

wanted, “ Neviah - wanted,” Neviah

doing, the – doing; the

give and - give, and

stones and - stones, and

room, the - room; the

bed and - bed, and

flame and - flame, and

eyes, and - no comma

brighter and - brighter, and

“But…why - “But … why

health and - health, and

Creator, this - Creator; this

here and – here, and

bed and – bed, and

face and - face, and

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

trees wiping - trees, wiping
quiet and - quiet, and
up firing - up, firing

relaxed he - relaxed, he

arm and - arm in
expect to - except to

had past - had passed
close then – close, then
class he – class, he

Les I’m – Les, I’m

stopped and - stopped, and
limits and – limits, and

they have - they had

leader, I – leader; I

the metal - the medal – this occurs twice in the paragraph.

his ear. - his ear, “You – the dialogue goes here.

someone high - some higher

today and – today, and

career but – career, but

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

I would suggest leaving a space between paragraphs.

noises I - noises, I

room did - room, did

way I - way, I

preparations and - preparations, and

out so - out, so

again. - the dialogue goes on the same line – again, “You're

anymore, and - no comma

hood so - hood, so

time.” he - time,” he

Grim.” he - Grim,” he

happened they - happened, they

hood so - hood, so

uniform and - uniform, and

perks.” I - perks,” I

he leaned - He leaned

there.” he - there,” he

useful.” I - useful,” I

“Yeah.” he - “Yeah,” he

told that the - told the – take a look at the use of 'that'. If the sentence reads okay without it, then delete it.

https://writeanything.wordpress.com/2009/11/09/tha...

army the - army, the

morning the - morning, the

attack and - attack, and

motion and - motion, and

widened and - widened, and

soldier but - soldier, but

"Retreat!" He - "Retreat!" he

them but - them, but

pain curse - pain course

hard and - hard, and

mind he – mind, he

1 – suggest Chapter One

use of had - If you're describing something that had happened in the past as one big chunk, for example, you can omit the "had" most of the time. In fact, all you need to trigger a flashback is one sentence with "had", and end the flashback with another sentence with "had". Everything in between you can just use the simple past tense, although if it's a very long block of text you can also sprinkle it with the occasional "had".

here and - here, and

paper he - paper, he

down however, - down, however,

poeple – people

Leaves and – leaves, and

plants but – plants, but

alive and - alive, and

time but - time, but

heart but - heart, but

area she - area, she

Actually she - Actually, she

Armasin it - Armasin, it

trees making – trees, making

more Ayala - more, Ayala

ground Ayala - ground, Ayala

way, she - italics work well for internal thought.

it but - it, but

life and - life, and

‘Is this – with italics, there is no need for the quote marks.

soul, yet there - soul; yet. there

far, until - no comma

him, and – no comma


before.’ he - before,’ he

unseen - seen

eye and - eye, and

yesterday.” head - yesterday,” head

mistake.” mumbled - mistake,” mumbled

apart and - apart, and

door and – door, and

impasse.” said – impasse,” said

jaw and - jaw, and

reach.” he - reach.” He

it.” he - it,” he

time.” said – time,” said

he stopped - He stopped

Threader." he – Threader," he

noticed. I’m - noticed, I’m

lips.” he - lips.” He

pipe taught - is this taut?

room.” he – room,” he

body and – body, and

wait.” he – wait,” he

McShane.” he - McShane,” he

McShane and - McShane, and

floor and – floor, and

head and - head, and
talking.” he - talking,” he

know.” stammered - know,” stammered

arse.” he – arse,” he

victory.” preached - victory,” preached

minute.” he - minute.” He

part and - part, and

hiccupped. “young - hiccupped, “young

it.” screeched - it,” screeched

it.” he - it,” he

minute.” scolded – minute,” scolded

dat.” said – dat,” said

tell.” said – tell,” said

weaker.” shouted - weaker,” shouted

he leered. - He leered.

dissolved, the – dissolved; the

below and - below, and

somethen.” said – somethen,” said

I.” he - I,” he

pipe and - pipe, and

something.” he - something,” he

man.” whispered - man,” whispered

hand and - hand, and

day.” said – day,” said

lighter and - lighter, and

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

out I - out, I
suffering - suffering,

records there - records, there

Pond." - Pond. - With a dialogue that extends over various paragraphs, only the first word of each paragraph has the quotation mark, then the last paragraph will have the ending quote mark.

more Kaurin - more, Kaurin

ranging he - ranging, he

things, and – no comma

nature and - nature, and

followed Kaurin – followed, Kaurin

powerful" – powerful.

men Kaurin's – men, Kaurin's

passed and - passed, and

returned he - returned, he

weaponry – weaponry,

Kaurin's and - Kaurin's, and

youngest - youngest,

eldest - eldest,

returned and - returned, and

Eventually – Eventually,

wed the - wed; the

not, and – no comma

returned he - returned, he

mountain, and – no comma

say, grief - say; grief

Aldrik and - Aldrik, and

day the - day, the

him and – him. and

anger he - anger, he

son exiled - son, exiled

turn Kaurin - turn, Kaurin

void knew – void, knew

vanished a - vanished, a

Mountain and – Mountain, and

that is - that it

Aldrik rallied – Aldrik, rallied

valley they - valley, they

enemy and - enemy, and

devour nothing - devour, nothing

died the - died, the

it fled - it, fled

void' as - void', as

himself took - himself, took

devour, and – no comma

Yana had - Yana, had

rage, there - rage; there

fields and - fields, and

vale, these - vale; these

man woman and - man, woman, and

follows; When - follows: when

ground the – ground, the

malice and - malice, and

other and - other, and

nothing and - nothing, and

land, and – no comma

void, he - void; he

gone he - gone, he

desperately he - desperately, he

however - however,

did one - did, one

ones heart - one's heart

Verna he - Verna, he

otherwise, he - otherwise; he

flew and - flew, and

hidden he - hidden, he

"Yes my boy that - "Yes, my boy, that

Void he - Void, he

concussion and - concussion, and

thighs and – thighs, and

one and - one, and

neck and - neck, and

eyes and - eyes, and

swelled and - swelled, and

blurred and - blurred, and

off and - off, and

tissue and - tissue, and

composure the - composure, the

closed a - closed, a

album and - album, and

hitched and – hitched, and

trembled and - trembled, and

face and - face, and

son and - son, and

experiment and - experiment, and

yard but - yard, but

fresh but - fresh, but

engineering and - engineering, and

task and - task, and

in and - in, and

liquid and - liquid, and

recollection and - recollection, and

exist and - exist, and

asked but – asked, but

call, it’s - call; it’s

place, she - place; she

drive but - drive, but

satisfied, Peter – satisfied; Peter

best. Liam – best, Liam

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

needed and - needed, and

greatful - grateful

road which - road, which

dodge and – dodge, and

corner it - corner, it

lines and - lines, and

M G. I - M G., I

back 'Look - back, 'look

sharp and - sharp, and

nerve they - nerve, they

drivers. All - drivers, all

next. The next was - next, was

rocks and down - rocks, down

Regrettably I - Regrettably, I

help, and – no comma

way and - way, and

and......... - and. . . .

own, no - own; no

did I - did, I

handbreak, - handbrake,

book I - book, I

left and - left, and

quickly and - quickly, and

time the - time, the

edge if - edge of

inch I replied its-------------Woa its slipping' – inch,' I replied, it's-- Woa, it's slipping.'

However children - However, children

long and - long, and

noise and - noise, and

corner and it was we - corner, and it was then we

eh' said - eh,' said

Could - could

say'. - say.'

car then - car, then

said 'Climb - said, 'Climb

kids I'll - kids; I'll

said 'Right - said, 'Right

come' I - come.' I

shaking and - shaking, and

where safe! ' - were safe!

said ' Well - said, 'Well

rain' With - rain.' With

bit, we - bit; we

trip we - trip, we

road, some – road; some

Luckily the - Luckily, the