Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Take a look at the use of that. In many place it can be deleted, and the sentence still is understood.

dying but - dying, but

Instead they - Instead, they

neighborhood. Up - neighborhood, up

home his - home, his

family and - family, and

night, it - night; it

wind, it - wind; it

older the - older, the

Sometimes it - Sometimes, it

arrivals. Sometimes - arrivals and other times,

point it - point, it

away it - away, it

train but - train, but

do, to find - do: find

whistle he - whistle, he

unicorns, or Bigfoot - unicorns, Bigfoot,

Tonight he - Tonight, he

door he - door, he

lifted, then - lifted then

distance he - distance, he

eyes and - eyes, and

went to sleep.- boarded the train - just a thought.

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

There are a few places where a sentence continues in the next paragraph.

There are places where dialogue is related as a narrative. I think dialogue would be a bettter choice.

The story ending is abrupt. What would the character do next?


later her - later, her

Mother - mother

Amy..that's - Amy . . . that's

Amy with - Amy, with

head. - head, runs -

princess, I - princess; I

words we - words, we

seperate - spelling

lighting and - lighting, and

said I - said, I

rhythem - spelling

wipers I - wipers, I

register; - register I

her - her mom

Frank, I said. - this is a new paragraph

moments we - moments, we

kindness Frank. - kindness, Frank.

Frank and - Frank, and

Cynthia thank - Cynthia, thank

couch but - couch, but

goodbye and - goodbye, and

I will Frank, Cynthia said. - this is a new paragraph

words I - words, I

friends and - friends, and

sunrise and - sunrise, I

shower , breakfast to go I - shower and, with breakfast to go, I

today and - today, and

driveway I - driveway, I

it and - it, and

Amy and - Amy, and

down and - down, and

had sit - had sat

should - Should

had past. - had passed.

knew that her - knew her

staff but - staff, but

it which - it, which

the walked - then walked

hand he - hand, he

time but - time, but

call and - call, and

hands and - hands, and

through is - through his

estate and - estate, and

key that he - key he

field and - field, and

knew that the - knew the

eye and - eye, and

out.He - out. He

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birth and - birth, and

crowd and - crowd, and

so, he grew - no comma

knew what his real name was. - knew his real name.

him The - him, The

the wanted - on the wanted

crimes and - crimes, and

gentle old man, with kind eyes and wise balding head. - gentle, old man, with kind, wise eyes and a balding head.

freely son - freely, son

married and - married, and

desires and - desires, and

beautiful - beautiful,

fear, her - fear; her

times but - times, but

gun and - gun, and

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Sentence structure:

http://data.grammarbook.com/blog/commas/connecting...

http://www.learnamericanenglishonline.com/Orange%2...

http://www.youngwritersonline.net/showthread.php?t...

http://cameronchapman.com/the-rules-of-writing-dia...

blue sky, it - blue sky; it

day and - day, and

naan, I - naan. I

smelt the smell of roses - smelt roses

of age, she- of age is an imcomplete thought. She - is a new sentence.

caught) and - caught), and

pale and - pale, and

nine, I - nine. I

eat, I - eat. I

laid in my lap. - need to show a transition from walking in previous paragrah to now - when and where did the walking stop?

"Houma?? - "Houma? - use only one ? ! - two are not not needed.

candle, - candle.

look,"tell - look. "Tell

anymore so - anymore, so

head." Allie - head," Allie

eyes, "you - eyes. "You

go Allie." - go, Allie,"

doubtful, I - doubtful. I

"one day, - "one day,

train..." - train, . . ."

tremble, she - tremble; she

minute, - minute.

"somewhere - "Somewhere

around and - around, and

more, she - more; she

do" she - do." She

eyes, - eyes.

gone Houma." Allie - gone, Houma," Allie

tight but - tight, but

asleep, I - asleep. I

breathing but - breathing, but

breathing, I - breathing. I

CPR, I tried - CPR, tried

up, I tried - up, tried

gone and - gone, and

crying we - crying, we

open, the - open. The

club and - club, and

body, I - body. I

myself and - myself, and

left I - left, I

me, My - me. My

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out, her - out; her

ached and - ached, and

stomach but - stomach, but

running, it - running; it

life, the - life. The

that is - that was

one, no she - one. No, she

adopted but - adopted, but

daughters and - daughters, and

brother and since she - brother, and she

basic's, the - basic's; the

and they - and there

life she - life, she

time it - time, it

time she - time, she

lot and - lot, and

room she - room, she

committee's - committee, - or - committee's decision,

her and - her, and

promotion all - promotion, all

again, each - again; each

heart, her - heart. Her

her, all - her; all

sudden it - sudden, it

her, a - her: a

injustice and - injustice, and

years Stella - years, Stella

it, she - it. She

action, otherwise she - action; otherwise, she

revenge but - revenge, but

outside she - outside, she

Midnight, the clock chimed she - At midnight, when the clock chimed, she

ago she - ago, she

head she - head, she

scream fell - scream, he fell

Suddenly shocked - Suddenly, shocked

her that she - her, she

thought but - thought, but

area a number - area, a number

ambulances in - ambulances were in

area and - area, and

little she - little, she

what cause - what caused

react she - react; she

him but - him, but

shovel was - shovel, was

sealed on - sealed in

"evidence" it - "evidence." It

Suddenly she - Suddenly, she

well, she - well; she

passed - past

cafes - cafe's

in and suddenly the - in, and suddenly, the

tried the - tried, the

events she - events, she

mistake it - mistake; it

mistake and - mistake, and

remorse, today - remorse. Today

shovel and - shovel, and

door she - door, she

made very - made on very

notice and - notice, and

apartment she - apartment, she

through and - through, and

forest she - forest, she

begun and - begun, and

wailed she - wail, she

back, one - back. One

she was used - she would use

night she - night, she

changes - changed

lose she - lose, she

night she - night, she

her she - her, she

years she - years, she

traveler she - traveler; she

Finally tired of running Stella - Finally, tired of running, Stella

view, she - view. She

crowd, everyone - crowd; everyone

her but - her, but

on she - on, she

target and - target, and

gaze a - gaze, a

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curb, I - curb; I

me or - me, or

neck and - neck, and

friends and - friends, and

car, but - - no comma

had …. - had. . . .

me, realize - no comma

frowned, but - no comma

trial - - and - trial - and

“That - “that

it and - it, and

rang and - rang, and

rubber and - rubber, and

voice, but - no comma

open and - open, and

slammed and - slammed, and

tornado - tornado,

tempest - tempest,

wistle, - whistle,

these - these,

everything - everything,

steed grinning - steed, grinning

"C,mon. - "C'mon.

horses rest - horses to rest

hug, then - no comma

grass and - grass, and

soup and - soup. and

But, she - no comma

sinners and - sinners, and

lunch and - lunch. and

cover, it - cover; it

minutes and - minutes, and

finished she - finished, she

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

open and - open, and

it and - it, and

surface and - surface, and

I think - the previous paragraphs, the verbs are past tense.

nothing and - nothing and

while but - while, but

worse; very - worse, very

nothing and - nothing and

while but - while, but

worse; very - worse, very

head so - head, so

again; for - again: for

sorts and - sorts, and

stand I - stand, I

plain and - plain, and

house so - house so

Instead I - Instead, I

went and - went, and

did; headphones - did, with headphones

friendship but - friendship, but

week so - week, so

all so - all, so

half and - half, and

Unfortunately her - Unfortunately, her

floor and - floor, and

ring so - ring, so

things but - things, but

and I - and, I

Toke - Tokes

journals and - journals, and

want but - want, but

year I - year, I

all night - all night,

sheep - use period

to see - semicolon or period

hide - semicolon or period

bedtime - semicolon or period

outside - semicolon or period

for me - use period

away - semicolon or period

eyes - semicolon or period

yawn, you’re - semicolon or period

play - period

walk and - walk, and

property.” he - property,” he

unfamiliar, but - no comma

all, but - no comma

again, then - no comma

size, and - no comma

replied, you’ve - replied, "you’ve

loss and encourage - loss, and to encourage - items in a series.

in, “This - in, “this

volcano, or - no comma

theory and - theory, and - items in a series

visit,” Mink - visit.” Mink

us.” Mink - us,” Mink

This first part is for the poem without major changes.

Fifth stanza - suggestions -

I dream of the narrow alley 
and I walk it's full length. 
I vow each morning upon waking 
I will never return again. 


I dream of the narrow alley 
and I walk it's full length anew. 
I vow each morning upon waking 
I will never return; it's true. 

Punctuation of poem:

alley,

me,

me,

alley. - third stanza

knowledge,

him,

alley, - fifth stanza

waking:

alley, - last stanza

me,

Imagery and word choice. I would suggest to link the type of alley to the single stand alone word. Here is an example: stanza two - evil alley - stanza three tight alley - stanza four open alley - stanza five dark alley - last stanza once narrow alley - These are just suggestions. I am sure you can find better.

I think this poem works well as it is. If you want to give more structure, pick one of the poetry forms to follow.

I tap - I tap,

still.

until - this interrupts the flow as it is connected to next line.

shower - shower,

barefoot - barefoot,

freeze, - this continues in the next stanza. I suggest to find a way to close
this stanza or make it longer.

later I - later, I

three - three.

night but - night, but

head, - head.

sleep - sleep,

http://www.ehow.com/how_2120737_use-ellipsis-marks...

capital… looking - capital . . . looking

distance it - distance, it

when, or - when or

wrist he - wrist, he

push a - push, a

where their - were there

before we - before they

“Not too - “Not two

ago I - ago, I

he know - he knew

“Herodimus, the first Magi, - see # 2 on this http://web.ku.edu/~edit/quotes.html

immortal, and - immortal and

Other says - Others say

He though - He thought

old and - old, and

ago he - ago, he

name and - name, and

before and - before, and

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bag and throw - bag, throw

walls… or - walls . . . or

morning and - morning, and

Its best - It's best

heat I - heat, I

difficult, the - difficult; the

dry and - dry, and

child I - child, I

approach and - approach, and

rivers sandy - river's sandy

the woman - the women

above and - above, and

bridge and - bridge, and

rapidly and - rapidly, and

now and - now, and

kingdom, and - kingdom and

Heights.” I - “Heights,” I

on and - on, and

foolish; sleeping - foolish: sleeping

ears and - ears, and

alone and - alone, and

I…uh…wondered - I . . . uh . . . wondered

flushed and - flushed, and

return my - I return my

Ill pass - I'll pass

my cloths.  - my clothes. 

months and - months, and

hotdogs and - hotdogs, and

smores?” She - smores?” she

breath and - breath. and

right; at least for - right, at least, for

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Asked - asked

Surely if - Surely, if

talk it - talk, it

think, and to - think, to

"Liar!" It - "Liar!" it

faster, after - faster; after

trail she - trail, she

promised!" It - promised!" it

ran, to - ran to

cliff overlooking - cliff, overlooking

me?" It - me?" it

"No!" She - "No!" she

cried, and - cried and

feet, his - feet; his

edge and - edge, and

fought, and kicked, - fought, kicked,

bottom a - bottom, a

sea." it - sea," it

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

He went down - who is this? the narrator is a girl.

slime and - slime, and

closed and - closed, and

water and - water, and

quiet and - quiet, and

red, maybe - red; maybe

floating then - floating, then

grip and - grip, and

day that - day, that

eyes I - eyes, I

I close my - keep voice consistent. Do not shift from past to present.

opening and - opening, and

head I - head, I

sound, the - sound: the

sand ease - sand easing

smiling and - smiling, and

point my - point, my

bed I - bed, I

wrong” My - wrong?” my

computer and - computer, and

haunting beckoning - haunting, beckoning

room; I - room, I

bath and - bath, and

eyes and - eyes, and

air” he - air,” he

rise and - rise, and

windows and knocked - windows, knock

doors and - doors, and

back and - back, and

I can hear - keep the voice consistent. Do not shift from past to present.

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

this, we - this; we

world, a - world; a

place which - place, which

dead which - dead, which

passing and - passing, and

Earth and - Earth, and

here, death - here. Death

this, a - this: a

Earth and - Earth, and

Eden which - Eden, which

planet. Everything - planet, everything

lush and the humans - lush, and humans

Creator and - Creator, and

this there - this, there

time the humans - time, humans

happened she - happened, she

happen Creator - happen the Creator

peace, the - peace. The

Natasha looks - used - looked - to match the voice of the story.

coming and - coming, and

Creator I - Creator; I

story...is - story . . . is

me please - me, please

heart I - heart; I

you, this - you. This

you my dear to - you, my dear, to

children you - children, you

Will you - Will, you

be transformed - transferred or transported seems to be better words.

you the planet - you, the planet

love and - love, and

it they - it, they

forms so - forms, so

this and - this, and

creation called - creation, called

first and - first, and

longing which - longing, which

half you - half, you

path and - path,

this you - this, you

Universe if - Universe. If

them everything - them, everything

well, if - well; if

get, interesting - get interesting

Natasha looks - use looked

dreamer I - dreamer. I

directly on you and - directly on you, and

you sister and - you, sister, and

Sierra and - Sierra, and

experienced and - experienced, and

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

clunky was - clunky, was

elevator and - elevator, and

last they - last, they

purpose; descent. - purpose: descent.

before and - before, and

centuries to - centuries, to

moment, their - moment; their

ready and - ready, and

them and - them, and

Dewar the - Dewar was the

finally understand - finally to understand

at 32, - at thirty-two - spell out numbers less than one hundred.

face and - face, and

career, but - career but

Gradually, however he - Gradually, however, he -

fears he - fears, he

insurance, but - insurance but

beard “Well - beard. “Well

way, it’s - way; it’s

determined still, - determined. Still,

how it’s - how; it’s

know, it’s - know; it’s

knows. . . ." her

off and - off, and

here, it’s - here; it’s

button, that’s - button; that’s

elevator, it’s - elevator; it’s

“I’m in”. - “I’m in.”

you Ben, remember - you, Ben. Remember

here there’s - here, there’s

nicely I - nicely, I

time.” said - time,” said

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Paragraph breaks are needed for each change of dialogue speaker.
The dialogue tags are most "says." Use other words and actions would fine as well.

true, only - true; only,

technically you’re - technically, you’re

fears, and - fears and

others, and - others and

stories they - stories, they

gift, most - gift; most

Benny.”She - Benny,” she

“But...”I - “But. . . . ”I - for a pause at end of sentence use a period followed by three spaced dots.

him.”She - him,” she

mother she - mother, she

messy and - messy, and

whom will - who will

anywhere, Benny - anywhere. Benny

classified.”He says - classified, ” he says

I rolled - the story is being told in the present tense.

outside him - outside with him

Rider, and - Rider and

name, after - name; after

him I’d - him, I’d

alike, he’s - alike; he’s

social, he’s - social; he’s

already and - already, and

birthday that’s - birthday; that’s

hair, while - hair while

them we - them,we

Benny on the other hand takes - Benny, on the other hand, takes

mom, he’s got - mom, he has

me, than - me, then

is because not our - is not because of our

colors, but - colors but

Dawn!”Yells - Dawn!” yells

up and - up, and

powerful?”Groans - powerful?” groans

at me, he - at me; he

hair and...and - hair. and . . . and

has...multi - has . . . multi

brother.”Says - brother,” says

team we’re - team, we’re

screwed.”Says - screwed,” says

“Hi.”I - “Hi,” I

“No!”Snaps - “No!” snaps

Benny.”I say. - Benny,” I say.

“What?”Says - “What?” says

“Thanks.”I - “Thanks,” I

down the street. - this is repeated twice in a row - rephrase or delete.

houses. All - houses, which are all

and the same - and of the same

smiling and - smiling, and

outside and - outside, and

out and down - out and walk down

face and - face, and

forest, a - forest; a

hill and - hill, and

it no one - it. No one

bark it’s - bark, it’s

smooth and - smooth, and

ahead mountains - ahead. Mountains

horizon the sun peeking - horizon, and the sun is peeking

it?”Asks - it?” asks

I turn - new paragraph

Julia.”She - Julia,” she

that.”She - that,” she

forest, a - forest to a

saying NO - saying, NO

run the sun setting - run. The sun is setting

setting and everything turning to - setting, turning everything to

fine my - fine; my

again, maybe - again; maybe

closer and - closer, and

pounds and - pounds, and

here?”Growls - here?” growls

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

flavored, the - flavored; the

noise joining - noise joins -

corner and - corner, and

flight and - flight, and

already... contacted - already . . . contacted

lies and - lies, and

limp the - limp, the

trust and who to listen to and who to shoot, and - trust, who to listen to, who to shoot, and

head and - head, and

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Paragraphs are needed at change of thought and change of speaker. This will make for an easier read.

for’, said Vic, - for,’ said Vic,

Both the victims - Both victims

Vic. ‘what - Vic. ‘What

elevators which - elevators, which

Sophie but - Sophie, but

made her was straight - made her way straight

bun and - bun, and

back ad bit - back and bit

grew wised and he - grew wider, and he

This too, was - This, too, was

together and - together, and

that’ replied - that,’ replied

my identity’. - my identity.’

time the - time, the

fingers she - fingers, she

face and - face, and

remember’, was - remember,’ was

answered ‘Just - answered, ‘Just

me’, said Vic - me,’ said Vic

Vic. ‘Is - Vic, ‘is

school and - school, and

face, and Sophie, fury. - face and Sophie, fury.

apologize for’. - apologize for.’

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

years that - years, that

do this or - do this, or

inscribed Louis - inscribed, Louis

In the evening - you might consider - The previous evening

her." Daniel - her," Daniel

woman and - woman, and

sign of shoe - sign of shoes

pairof - pair of