This is a well established baseline for your story. The way it was presented deserves praise for not only clarity, but for imagination! Like most sci-fi stories— there needs to be an understanding of how the future is perceived. This definitely draws the reader into that realm. Sure, this type of storyline has been used before..(like Star Troopers), but so what? It is in our nature to glean from other stories. What really matters is how well it is presented, and you were stellar in that area! In fact, I am giving you a five star rating, simply because you did not disappoint! You definitely have the skills needed, to be published.
Extremely well written. My mindeseye had a good workout! At first, I waa a bit confused with the title. This ambiguity, along with the vivid descriptions within the story, kept me invested to see it's end. (Which did not disappoint). I know the disconnected feeling one gets, when working the midnight shift. Relationships with family, (especially spouses), are gravely affected. Fear and doubt pervades. Nothing about the graveyard shift is healthy for the mind, body,or soul. Coupled with the past experiences of serving overseas, This story has all the elements of a man on the edge. Knowing how to act, on impulse. Yet, the ending waa indeed, a Dream within a dream.
With such attention to the structure of the Rubáiyát— the rhyming could have felt forced. But it did not! Not only that,it also has a nice cadance,(which makes it a pleasant read). The topic was well conveyed as well.The personification brought it alive! All in all, this piece has it all covered. Clarity/Structure/Rhythm/Personification. Which makes it worthy of my highest rating of 5 Stars!
Well written,with a natural flow. When prople just up and leave, it tends to be unsettling. Especially to the authorities. This short story, ends with the police, scratching their heads,and the reader with a smile!
Very nice intro and plot twist. Most pirate tales tend to rely heavily on past plunders and conquests.. yours is unique, in that it begins with the lack of it. I like that. It already sets the stage. It therefore leaves it wide open for many paths to choose from. (I personally would go with satire). Keep this story going!.It has definite potential! (Ps.. needs more pirate jargon!)
Extremely well written!I could easily visualize the pure energy that Flowed on stage. There is a connection between band members that only musicians truly understand. So if you are not musically inclined yourself,you pulled it off quite nicely. But if you ARE musically inclined, well, let me tell you... your description encapsulated the very essessence of what I call a well seasoned band! Write on!
Trusting in God is a beautiful way to begin day. Believing that He is attentive to our needs not only builds hope, it instills a deep settled peace within us.
You express these ideals, in a very humble manner.So much so; that you remind us all, how we should perceive each day, as Christians.
And for this, I thank you for showing me why it's a good life, living for the Lord.
This is a very captivating short story; interwoven with intrigue and romance. It is all about crossroads and disclosures. Each main character is rich with a deep settled peace,(much like the location). Trust seems to be the commonality between the two. The foreknowledge of each other does seem a bit ambiguous, yet this doesn't detract from its overall charm.very well written!
I enjoyed how you presented this story. By this I mean, I felt as if I walked into an already unfolded scene. I had no idea what had happened in the beginning. Because of this, I was drawn into it. Like I had to find out what had happened. Very clever technique! The other aspect of this that I liked, was that it seemed quite believable. They say that revenge is best when served cold. And her being so indifferent of his feelings, that you could not help but feel this was true.This places the reader in the position of deciding if two wrongs make a right, or if she should have just divorced him upon discovery. In any case, it was a good read! Write on!
Such a beautiful story! It conveys the very essence of selflessness and empathy! Better still; to strangers. If everyone were like this, we would indeed live in a kinder world. A better world. A world where strangers become neighbors and neighbors become friends and friends become brothers and sisters~ as it was always were meant to be.
One cannot refrain from the imagery that imbibes upon each line. They permeate like old moss upon decaying logs. Alive, yet not.
Thriving upon death, unbeknownst to its host.
Tethered beyond the Nether...it you will.
If only this dark passage could be embellished greater still;
If only the Late and Great Orsin Wells could recite them.
Then, and only then, could it be said, t'was better.
Beyond this~
May they rest in peace
Entombed
And embraced.
Firstly; it must be said that reading this from the perspective of a dog, was quite endearing!
(Who wouldn't enjoy that?)
Secondly; The ambiguity of the absent, pet owner/swimming buddy, allows the reader to try and surmise his wearabouts.
The only possible clue is that he wore camo.Therefore he may have went off to war. The disclosure that he was adept at swimming, also might point in the direction of Marines, Navy Seal, or Coast Guard.
All conjectures, of course.
But regardless of all above surmisings, I quite enjoyed reading it.
The imagery was quite effective
I do believe I espied a minor spelling error; the/he
Fitting for this world we live in.
One could say, 'Terse with every verse',
in the way, you convey.
With good foundations laid
With hopes and intentions
to seep and pervade.
That the blind, my see
and the deaf may hear
That Our Lord will come
when the end is near.
Pearls of wisdom, my friend...
Keep writing, in the Spirit...
Wow! That was very entertaining! I was amused at how you personified 'Writers Block". It was the ultimate "Dear John" letter, complete with all the reasons why the 'break up' and everything that comes with it. I honestly found myself thinking.."Hey,I KNOW this JERK!" LOL! I think it would have been cute to throw in a P.S. with something like "oh..and by the way..Writing.com has helped me put a restraining order on you..sorry it had to come to this" LOL! Man... I only regret I didn't think of this idea, myself! I did write a poem, entitled, "No Time to Write".. but it pales in comparison to this. I Give you a Five Star rating for two reasons.. Your great imagination, and your creative use of words. Your diction shines here, and I look forward to reading more of your submissions. I am going to add you to my favorites, because I expect Mr? "Writers Block", has left the building, and there a new kid in town.."Mr. Writers Cramp?" LOL!
Oft times we are our own worst enemies, for we battle within ourselves without lifting a finger. Troublesome thoughts that pervade our minds, like shards of unwanted and unwarrented fragments. Not unlike the broken peices of glass that we painfully discover at the tips of our fingers, thoughts can penitrate when we least expect it, and like glass, be difficult to remove. So it continues to hurt, until we look very closely..over and over again..until it is revealed...and healed.
Poems are reflections of what and who we are. They reveal openly, our true thoughts and feelings. I look upon them as bookmarks of our lives.
Poetry helps heal the soul because they help us make sense of ourselves and where we are at the time we write them. If we were to always bottle up our emotions, then we are at risk of loosing touch with them.
Jenn, if for no other reason I would encourage you to write, write for that inner part of you that needs to express yourself.
(The added bonus is that you are sharing your talent with others, like myself!)
Even though the writer clearly states in the first verse that there is no longer a belief in God, there are indications that it still exists...
The mention of "Turning your back" on God, indicates that the writer believes that God exists, because if the writer didn't believe in God, there would be no need to turn away from God. (why would someone need to turn away from something, if there wasn't anything there to turn away from?)
There was no mention that there was ever a time that God had "spoke" to the writer, only that God was giving the "silent treatment". This being omitted from the poem, leaves the reader not knowing if it ever happened in the past. Was the writer writing about how things had changed, or how things always were?
The writer was clearly stating that God was silent and Satan was not. And because of this, decided to ignore both. But with a price. The cost was the absence of guidance from right or wrong.
The over-all theme is one of apathy and abandonment. I enjoyed reading it, because it evoked empathy. It contained contrasting themes of both good and evil, and closed with an ending statement.
This piece inspires courage and hope! It reminds me of the old proverb, "What does not kill me, makes me stronger". I enjoyed the way you compared nature with lifes challenges, as well as a camparison for renewed hope! I oft times include nature with my poems..(like the one you read about "Tears and Rain". It was a very enjoyable read! I hope you continue to write with your heart! Thank you for sharing!
It is nice to read such open disclosures about new friends. As always, you are truthful and candid. (and I find that quite refreshing!)
Lurking in the shadows, amid your well written discourse, you reveal that you are an 'emotional individual'. That is, (in my humble opinion), your greatest tool for writing.
When you harness that 'well-spring' of emotions, that is when your writing bursts forth and comes alive!
I have to admit, your heartfelt poem is extremely touching. It portrays a mothers love that carries no boundries. Through the distance, it conveys a message so abundantly clear that anyone can understand. And that is why I enjoyed it so much. My step-son served in Iraq and many times, my wife would worry, in the same way your poem shows.He is still proudly serving in the Marines and may someday return to Iraq. (We certainly hope that he won't have too!)
Thank you for sharing your well written poem, and God Bless you and your son.
When most people lose their loved one, they oft times blame God for it.
And yet, God brougt people into this world. Therefore, if it was not for Him, we wouldn't have known our loved ones, (nor ourselves, if we were not created!)
God gave us a Heart to be able to Beat every day to literally LIVE..
God gave us a Heart to be able to know what LOVE is..
And when a Heart becomes broken, He gives us the Gift of his Spirit to help HEAL..
I enjoyed this poem, because it grasps the pain and loss of a loved one. AND the fact that God was not blamed for the loss!
I know that not all poems are meant to be cheerful. And I also know that there are several levels of healing that souls have to go through.
This poem in particular, makes me hopeful that there would be other poems attached to it. (To reflect upon the healing progress)
(A part two, three, etc)
When I read this poem, it reminded me of a song from Alan Parsons. (I am a HUGE fan of his!)
One of his songs were about a womans dispair, and her emotions were like that of the depths of an ocean.
I think the name of the song is "There must be more"
(not sure though)
Your poem is, once again, very rich with raw emotions.
I would say that when you write such poems, it draws the reader into that realm... because it places their soul there by your well written talent!
I truly feel that if you follow your heart, it will lead and guide you to your desire. (Your Hearts desire!)
Oft times minds are pervaded with the many cares of this world.(leaving many restless souls in its wake) Yet if we take a moment, to just simply STAND.. Wait, and LISTEN to what our heart wishes, then and only then can we move in the pathways of happiness.
Your poem clearly provides the wisdom needed to understand this very important message. And I am proud to know such a friend..
Sincerely,
Pennman
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